Disclaimers: I do not own CM or the characters. I do own all OCs.
Spoilers: none
Rating: T

Notes: This is a very important chapter! Sandra comes to a realization that will change the behavior she has exhibited towards her children and husband.

Friday, March 16th, 1979

*Jareau Residence*

Today is the day before what would be Lexie Jareau's fifth birthday. Tomorrow will be 1 year, 8 months, and 2 weeks since their disappearances.

Today was preparation day for the Balloon Release they will do for Kevin and Lexie; get the balloons ready, the photographs picked out, the letters written to Kevin and Lexie gathered.

As the Jareau family finishes up the last preparations for the Balloon Release tomorrow, Sandy is over at the house she no longer shares with her husband or children. She was invited over for a late-lunch, and accepted.

Sandy immediately heads upstairs immediately upon arriving home. She stops at the first door to her right.

It used to be the boys' bedroom, but they and the girls switched after Emma and Roslyn were no longer able to sleep in the same room as their no-longer-there baby sister.

She pictures the room as it would be were Lexie still here.

Would she still be using the crib-turned-toddler bed, or would she have her very own "big girl" bed? Would she have books on her bookshelf like Emma, or stuffed animals and other trinkets like Roslyn?

Would she be in gymnastics, or soccer, or another sport? Would she still like to sing along to the radio, on long car rides? Sandy wonders all of this and more.

Her eyes fill with tears and the sadness she has kept inside of her for the last several months, as Lexie's birthday got closer, finally is let go.

Sandy lets the tears fall as she remembers how much of a Daddy's Girl Lexie was. Would she still be that way, a year later? She remembers how Lexie's hair was impossibly curly, and long, and so, so beautiful.

Would it still be that way? Would her hair still be blonde, or would have darkened to light brown like her siblings?

Her heart aches and her mind plays back, like a loop, of the last time she saw her youngest baby girl.

When she slapped Caleb in the face. When Lexie was crying. When Caleb took Gabe and Lexie outside. When she was yelling at him for, once again, making a mess.

Lexie was wearing a pink dress with purple and blue flowers. She had on shorts underneath and white and pink tennis shoes. Her hair was down, curly and to her middle back. She had pink and blue butterfly clips holding pieces of her curls back from her face.

She tries to remember that; to hold onto to the way Lexie's high-pitched, three-year-old voice would yell, "Mommy!" whenever she came into a room.

To hold onto how she loved to be read to at night. To how she loved to paint, but not color, like her older brother Elijah. To how she had the bluest eyes ever, and was probably going to need glasses in a few years.

Lexie was 3 years old. She would have been four this year.

And this year would have been filled with firsts.

Her first Fourth of July she could actually enjoy. Her first Halloween where she would understand just how to say, "Trick or Treat!" to get candy.

The first Thanksgiving that she could articulate what she was thankful for. And the first Christmas she could open all her presents all by herself, without any help at all.

A sob escapes Sandy. She just can't help it. All those thoughts, the memories, the what ifs, the I wonders, they flood her mind.

What if she had made Lexie be in a sport? Then she would have been with Sandy, Roslyn, Elijah, and Emma that day 1 year and 8 months ago.

What if she had forbade Caleb from leaving the house?

What if she had made sure he knew not to go outside the front gate while she and the kids were not home?

Goddammit, why couldn't Caleb just do as he was told? Why did he have to be so caught up in his own world, that he stopped watching Lexie? Took his eyes off of her and Kevin, payed more attention to the stupid trivial things he finds interest in.

But then she thinks…

What if she hadn't made Caleb so upset that day?

What if this really wasn't his fault?

What if she had better control of her anger, what if she didn't slap him, what if he had no reason to be upset? What if she recognized that he was only 11 years old, and therefore would be overwhelmed with so many kids to watch?

God, she thinks. My poor, sweet little boy. Her anger got the best of her, and she blamed him for Lexie and Kevin's disappearances. She said she wished it were him who had been taken. She has treated her little boy so terribly, and not only Caleb!

But Gabriel, too. And Jennifer. Sweet, sweet, innocent Jennifer.

An infant who cannot defend herself towards Sandra's horrible mistakes, her horrible behavior.

Why would she do that?

Her child, her baby boy; Caleb hated himself so much, thought he was such a burden that he tried to kill himself. He tried to end his life so no one would have to deal with him anymore.

And what did she do?

Sandy refused to see what was happening. She refused to let him get treatment, to get help so maybe he would know he was loved enough so he never had to feel as though he had to do it again.

:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/:/

She turns from her daughters' bedroom and rushes downstairs. She reaches the bottom of the staircase in the living room and sees no one, but she does not have to worry for long as she hears noises coming from the kitchen and dining room areas.

Sandy heads in the direction of the noises.

Michael has set up the paint easels for their youngest set of twins, 6-year-olds Rosie and Gabe, while their older children, 12-year-old twins, Caleb and Emma, and 10-year-old Eli, work on drawings and painting, and arts and crafts at the dining room table.

Michael has one of his old records playing, and is cooking a late lunch of, what smells like, spaghetti and garlic bread.

Sandy doesn't hesitate one moment.

She heads straight for the table, where CJ is currently trying to "paint" his twin sister's face. He has already done so, it looks like, as she sees streaks of pink and blue and black and red.

They are laughing. They are smiling. She hears Gabriel let out that usual 6-year-old little boy giggle as Emma shrieks at CJ getting more paint on her face, and Elijah is trying his best to just breathe because he is laughing so hard.

She places a hand on CJ's shoulder and the young boy jumps, whipping around and then frowning when he sees his mother standing behind him.

Her heart sinks as she realizes he probably thinks she is about to scold him, to say look at this mess! and ask, Why can't you be more like your sister?

He has no other reason to suspect for her to be there, she also realizes, as she tries to remember a time she has approached him to do anything other than to scold him, to yell at him, to cut him down until he is two inches tall, and has to rush off to hide the tears of pain, of sadness, of why doesn't my mom love me, too, in his eyes.

She takes a deep breathe, and gently places a hand on Caleb's cheek. Her heart nearly stops as his flinches, as her child mentally prepares himself for her slapping him in the face, because, once again, he has no other reason to suspect for her reaching out like that.

But she doesn't do that.

She just rests her hand on his left cheek, looking into his eyes and wondering where did I go wrong? What happened that made me hate him so much that I treated him so differently than his siblings? All I see now is my beautiful, kind, oldest son.

"I love you, my Little Man," Sandy whispers and, vaguely, she registers that the other sounds in the room have stopped.

No more record playing, no more giggling, no more distant sounds of Michael cooking lunch.

Just silence.

Caleb's face is exact definition of massive misunderstanding. She wonders when the last time she said those words to him. When she spoke this softly to him. When she was this close to him for anything other than to blame all the things that have gone wrong in her life, on him.

"I love you so much, Caleb, and I hope you know that. I haven't been a very good mother to you lately. And I am sorry for that. I-…" She pauses, looks off the right. "I have no excuses for how I have treated you, especially this last year and a half."

And almost as if he knows exactly what "last year" means, Caleb rushes to interrupt, rushes to stop her, says,

"Mom, you don't have to say it. I know that you think it's my fault, but it isn't ok? I was… I was 11 years old, and I was too overwhelmed. I shouldn't have brought Kevin and Will to the park, but I did. I just got distracted and I know — I know — you think that isn't an excuse, and maybe it isn't," His voice breaks, however he powers through.

"But the truth is, Mom, I had too much to do, — I had too many kids to keep up with, I was overwhelmed, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life, and no matter what — no matter what you think or do or say — it was not my fault."

And God, how true those words are. She just wish she would have realized it before now.

"I know." She cuts Caleb off from saying anything more and it seems to take a second for him to register that his mother just agreed with him on this subject.

"I know, baby, and I am so sorry I ever thought otherwise. You were only eleven, and you were just a child yourself. You thought you could manage it, but you were wrong, and instead of seeing that, instead of understanding, I let my anger get in the way. I blamed you, and I am so, so sorry for that."

Seeing that he may interrupt, she shakes her head.

"Please, sweetheart, just let me say this," And he numbly nods his head. "I never should have blamed you, I never should have said the things I did. That I wished it were you, that it was your fault your siblings and cousins were taken."

She cups his other cheek, and looks straight into his eyes.

"My beautiful boy, I cannot say anything other than I am sorry. I never, ever should have said those things, I never should have treated you the way I did."

"I will try, every day from now on, to make up for the last 12 years of your life. But, Caleb, I want you to know, to understand one thing, ok?"

Caleb nods silently, tears streaming down his face, but he doesn't care.

He does not care at all because his mother says the words he has wanted to hear for over 620 days; since the moment he had to confess to his mother about what had taken place at the park.

"Lexie and Kevin's disappearance is not your fault, Caleb Jeremiah. And I hope you are able to know and understand that."

This took a lot of courage from Sandy. She had to realize her mistakes, confirm them aloud, and then apologize to Caleb for them. That isn't easy for someone who has grown up with her mindset.

I will have individual chapters for Snapshots where Sandra speaks and apologizes to each child. This includes Emilia, and Michael, as he does know she has been going to therapy and has been working towards bettering her behavior, however, he did not know she would do this today.

Now, part 2 is up next. After that, another chapter in Barcelona, Spain. Then, the balloon release for Lexie and Kevin will take place on Lexie's fifth birthday.

Please review and let me know what you thought. :)