Chapter Five:

Yuuto faced Miruko across the empty parking lot. Izuku and Inko leaned against the side of the building. Bouncing from foot to foot, Izuku had his phone out to record the fight.

Miruko said, "Last chance to come peacefully, White-Haired Menace. Please don't take it! I want to fight you." She raised her fists.

Yuuto had gotten so tired of correcting people about his name. "Must we do this? Can't you at least wait until after the con?"

"Nice try, but I know you'll run off." Miruko grinned. "I know how it is. I used to be a vigilante too, before I was shanghaied into the program. Many of our members join after being beaten into submission by alumni. It's our bonding ritual."

Izuku's eyes widened. "Is THE Miruko about to beat up my uncle? I'm so honored."

Yuuto grumbled, "I might win."

Both Miruko and Izuku laughed at him.

Inko beamed. "You're my favorite hero, Miss Miruko. Can I get your autograph after you're done beating up my brother-in-law?"

"Et tu, big sis?" Yuuto sighed and raised his cane in a defensive posture. If only he had all his hero equipment. The power of One for All crackled down his arm.

Miruko leapt at him. He blocked her punch with the pink cane, twisting his grip so the blow slid off instead of breaking the wood.

Her leg shot up in a kick. Yuuto narrowly dodged sideways, wind whipping past his ear.

Summoning One for All at 50%, he punched.

Miruko blocked the blow with both her hands. She laughed as the blast of air blew her hair backward. "Not bad, White-Haired Menace!"

"I'm just getting started." Yuuto pivoted. With his other hand, he jabbed the cane at her neck. "And it's One for All!"

She shrugged off the blow. "Go with the cooler name for your hero debut." She flung him over her head.

Yuuto landed behind her. Instinct let him feel her fists rushing toward him even without seeing it. He thrust the cane behind himself with full force. This held her off just long enough for him to leap back, putting distance between them.

Izuku cheered indiscriminately for both sides. "Go, Miruko! Nice blow, Uncle Yuuto!"

Yuuto slammed his fist into the ground, creating a spray of debris between them.

Miruko flew straight through it, her lips peeled back and her leg raised for another kick.

Just in time, Yuuto rolled sideways. Miruko's foot broke the pavement. Damn, she wasn't playing around.

Miruko lunged, teeth snapping. He brought up his cane just in time to stop her from sinking her fangs into his neck. "Nice, I've finally met someone else who likes to bite during fights."

She bit clean through his cane.

Yelping, Yuuto tossed aside the broken pieces and used both hands to stop her headbutt. He was normally good at headbutts, but he had an instinct he wouldn't have won that one.

They grappled, rolling across the broken parking lot.

A sudden boom sent them both flying. Yuuto's back hit a tree. He scrambled to his feet.

A muscular giant towered over the convention center. His jaw was jagged like a rocky surface. His nose twitched. "I FOUND LORD'S FAMILY!"

"Oh, dear." Yuuto looked up. "You work for my brother, don't you?"

"I, GIGANTOMACHIA, AM PRIVILEGED TO BE OF SERVICE TO LORD! YOU MUST BE THE IDIOT BROTHER."

"Of course that's what he calls me. I'm kinda busy at the moment, so I don't suppose you could come back later?"

"YOU ARE A NAUGHTY RUNAWAY WHO STOLE LORD'S BELOVED AND LITTLE LORD. I WILL TAKE ALL THREE OF YOU BACK TO LORD IMMEDIATELY."

"Yeah, I didn't think so."

Miruko got off the sign she'd landed on and broken. She brushed dirt off her costume. "Excuse me, but that guy is mine." She pointed at Yuuto.

Gigantomachia looked down at her. His nose wrinkled. "YOU DARE TO STEAL FROM LORD?"

"I have no idea who you're talking about, but that's my newest hero recruit." Miruko grinned fiercely. "The way I see it, you're stealing my prey."

"I WILL SQUASH YOU LIKE AN INSECT."

"Bring it on, big boy."

The young teenager manning the booth looked between All for One and Nana Shimura. Her eyes watered like a small, furry animal caught between two predators. "I'm not sure who asked for the keychain first…"

Hisashi had no time for this. He growled, "I'll pay you double."

"Money is no object for my grandson's present," Nana snapped.

The girl twisted her hands. "I don't have the authority to bargain with customers. I'm just supposed to sell it to whoever asked for it first."

"That's me," Hisashi and Nana said at the same time. They glared at each other.

Time for some emotional manipulation. Hisashi's face became tragic. He wiped a tear from his eye. "My twelve-year-old son is quirkless. He's admired All Might his entire life. It would mean so much to him to have this rare piece of merchandise from the Only Quirkless Hero."

"My grandson is quirkless, too," Nana said.

"Really?" Hisashi perked up. "If I give him a quirk, then will you let me have the keychain?"

"Nice try." Nana sneered. "You're clearly lying. I wonder if you even have a son, or if you just plan to sell the keychain on eBay."

"Excuse me?" Hisashi drew himself up to his full height. "My son is the most adorable boy in the world. I have pictures to prove it."

Pulling out his phone, he pulled out his favorite Izuku album. The pictures showed Izuku jumping in a leaf pile, studying at his desk with his pencil in his mouth, and petting a llama at the zoo.

"Whoa, that is a seriously cute little boy," Nana said. "Just looking at him makes me want to adopt him."

"I told you so, and not a chance in hell," Hisashi said.

"But I won't lose! Check out my adorable grandson, Tenko!" Nana thrust the phone under his nose.

The pictures showed Tenko yanking his sister's hair, kicking over a trashcan, stealing a phone from his father's pocket, and standing over a pile of boys he'd just beaten up.

Hisashi looked closer. He wouldn't exactly call the kid cute, but there was something about him—that malicious spark in his eye—that bespoke potential. "I have to admit, I've never seen such a natural-born villain before."

"What does that mean?" Nana recoiled. "My grandson wants to be a hero, for your information."

"Seriously? What a waste of talent!" Hisashi's instincts told him that this boy had the potential to make it to the top of the villain world. It would be a shame to let the heroes have him. His own son had been very clear about his disinterest in villainy, and it would be fun to have a protégé. "What was your last name again? Where does your family live?"

Nana glared at him. "Why are you asking such a suspicious question, random stranger?"

"I just want to ensure the kid knows that he has other options in life! It's not like I'm planning on kidnapping him…he's gotten a little old for that. Although if he's just as evil in-person, I might get tempted."

"Ha-ha! Stay away from my family, you weirdo!"

"They're both very cute," the girl behind the booth said weakly, clearly trying to defuse the situation.

Nana admitted, "Your son is extremely sweet and lovable."

"Why, thank you. Your grandson has prodigious gifts clearly wasted on your family."

"I'd be offended, except in the case of his father, you're kinda right."

They grinned at each other.

Hisashi finally broke the moment. "What now? There's still only one keychain."

"Arm-wrestling competition?" Nana offered.

"You're on." Hisashi started to summon his quirks to swell up his arm.

In the distance, a massive voice boomed, "HOW DARE YOU STAND BETWEEN ME AND MY LORD'S FAMILY!"

Hisashi's head swiveled around. "Excuse me, I have personal business to take care of."

The keychain lay forgotten as he ran toward his family.

Yuuto looked between Miruko and Gigantomachia. "Team-up?" he offered.

Miruko spat out a bit of blood sideways. "Sure, but you're still going down afterward."

Did she not realize how serious this situation was? Yuuto wouldn't put good odds on there being an afterward at this rate.

Without any further conversation, Miruko leapt straight at Gigantomachia's right hand and did her best to break his finger. He yelped and waved his hand around, trying to shake her off.

Taking advantage of the distraction, Yuuto summoned the full power of One for All and punched the giant's ankle.

The backlash made him clench his teeth in pain. Gigantomachia howled and tottered.

Miruko leapt off his hand and kicked him in the stomach. She might as well have kicked a rock.

Yuuto punched again. Hanging off the giant's shirt, Miruko kicked him in a dozen different places. Gigantomachia hopped around, trying to grab them. His fingers grazed the rabbit hero a few times.

It was painfully obvious neither of them could do any real damage. Sweat dripped down Yuuto's forehead. Stamina had never been his strong point, and using his quirk took a toll on his body. He couldn't manage more than a few full-strength blows. At this rate, they'd be stuck on the defensive until the giant got in a lucky blow.

His eyes scanned the massive body. He spotted a pipe sticking out of the spikey hair. A pre-existing injury? Right in a sensitive spot on the head, exactly where he'd strike if he wanted to cause a concussion? Had they gotten so lucky? It might be their only chance.

The end came even sooner than he'd feared. Growling, Gigantomachia ripped his shirt entirely off his chest. Miruko went flying.

Yuuto ran forward, knowing he wouldn't make it in time.

"Uncle Yuuto, catch!" Izuku tossed him a rusty chain lying next to an abandoned car.

"Thanks!" Yuuto wrapped the chain around a tree, swung forward, and caught Miruko just before she hit the ground.

"Huh, he is pretty tough," Miruko said, as if for the first time realizing she might lose.

"If we don't finish this fast, we'll lose the war of stamina. I've got maybe one full strength punch left, and I'm saving it to use on his head injury. Can you cause a distraction?"

Miruko leapt to her feet. "I'm on it!"

"GET BACK HERE, RABBIT!" Gigantomachia shook the earth as he ran forward. He reached down.

Miruko leapt on top of his hand and ran up his arm. Leaping forward, she punched him in the eye.

Gigantomachia reeled, howling.

At the same time, Yuuto used the chain to climb up behind the giant. The spiky hair felt like rock. He found the pipe, sticking out of a bloody patch of skin, perfectly positioned in a sensitive spot just below the ear.

Green lighting crackling down his arm, he punched with all strength.

With one last cry, Gigantomachia fell forward. Unfortunately, he fell on top of Miruko.

"Are you all right?" Yuuto cried, running forward.

Izuku and Inko came to help him. Between the three of them, they managed to lift up Gigantomachia's arm and pull Miruko out from under it.

The Rabbit Hero had been knocked unconscious, but she didn't look otherwise injured.

In all honesty, that had worked out for the best for Yuuto. He looked up. "Everyone, time to escape before she wakes up."

A shadow fell over him from behind. Yuuto gulped. He was afraid to turn around, but he did.

Hisashi stood behind him. His lips formed a slightly maniacal grin. "There you three are! I had to leave behind an extremely important battle for this, so I suggest you don't make me any angrier by trying to run away."

At the convention, Nana Shimura handed over her credit card.

As she wrapped up the keychain, the teenager said, "I do feel a little bad for that man."

"If he'd wanted it badly enough, he would have stuck around." Nana shrugged. "Tenko will be so happy."

Yet even the prospect of her grandson's smiling face couldn't explain the feeling of satisfaction bubbling up under her chest. As if the pinnacle of her life's ambition had been realized. Nana wondered why she felt so disproportionally satisfied at knowing she'd beaten that strange white-haired man.

Yuuto forced himself to his feet. He stood between his brother and Inko and Izuku. "You run. I'll hold him off."

The contempt in Hisashi's glare seared him. "I'm already angry enough at you, little brother. I suggest you don't make it any worse. You couldn't last five seconds."

A cough emerged from his throat. This made his brother smirk. Yuuto felt compelled to defend himself. "I might be exhausted at the moment, but under other circumstances—"

"Ten seconds?"

"I'd kick your villainous ass!"

"Shhh," Hisashi hissed, glancing at Izuku.

Yuuto froze. Although under no obligation to lie for his brother's sake, this wasn't how he wanted to break the bad news to his nephew. "Uh…this has been an exciting play big brother and I put on for the Hero Convention!"

"That's right!" Hisashi said brightly. "Now all of you need to return home immediately, because I have a big surprise for you."

"It's a bank vault, isn't it?" Yuuto muttered.

"You shut up."

Izuku looked between them. "I already know about the villain thing. I actually had my suspicions for some time."

"Really?" Hisashi blinked. "And you're taking it so well, too."

Izuku glared like a teacher at a truant student. "No, I'm furious."

"Oh." Hisashi sagged.

Yuuto raised his fists. "Get ready to run—"

Inko pushed past him. "Thank you, dear, but I'll take it from here."

Yuuto gaped.

Inko marched up to her husband and put her hands on her hips. "Hisashi Shigaraki, you are in serious trouble. I'm this close to handing you divorce papers." She pinched her fingers together.

The majestic All for One looked terrified.

"Fortunately, I have graciously decided to forgive you." Inko's eyes narrowed. "On several conditions." She groped for her phone. "First of all: you will immediately dismantle all bank vaults."

Hisashi said, "Of course there's no need for your secondary room if you're planning on staying with me, dear, but what about him?" He pointed at Yuuto. "Look at him over there, acting so self-righteous and heroic! He's so vault-able!"

"Not Yuuto, either," Inko said.

"Why are you picking on me, big brother?" Yuuto grumbled.

Hisashi replied, "Because my relationship with you is already trash, so you have no leverage over me."

Inko said, "You two can work on rebuilding your relationship after Yuuto moves in with us."

Yuuto threw up his hands. "Absolutely not!"

"You may have to compromise a little here," Inko said. "Also, remember that questionnaire I had you fill out? I did some research and it turns out your apartment has a serious asbestos problem. I believe this has worsened your breathing difficulties. I'm afraid I'm going to have to insist."

"Yes, big sister," Yuuto mumbled.

Inko said, "Next, we're going to have to talk about your criminal empire. I'm not happy that you have one at all, but I realize it would take a long time to dismantle."

Hisashi scowled. "I'm not going to dismantle it!"

"But you're going to cut back on the murder and definitely stop the human experimentation. We may have to talk about that horrible doctor of yours in more detail later. If you plan to keep him, then I insist that you domesticate him properly." Inko scrolled down on the list on her phone. "I also have numerous demands concerning the balance between privacy and security for our family—"

Inko's list continued on for quite some time. She finally finished, "I expect a ton of Russian black coffee delivered to me and a new diamond necklace. You must leave the toilet lid down from now on. Furthermore, you must make a sincere effort to get along with Mitsuki Bakugo, up to and including ceasing all thinly veiled insults and complimenting her next pot roast."

Yuuto shook his head. "Now you're just taking advantage, big sis." His big brother looked increasingly depressed with each item on the list. It was hilarious.

To his surprise, Hisashi said, "Agreed. Is that all? Please let that be everything."

Izuku chimed in with, "Is now a good time to mention I want to be a hero?" He made hopeful eyes.

His father grimaced. His mother said, "I'm adding that to the list. You must support your son's heroic endeavors."

Izuku quickly added, "No more trackers on my phone. And you need to give Eri back her quirk."

"You'll have to remind me who 'Eri' is. I have a lot of quirks." But Hisashi wasn't arguing.

Yuuto found this compliance suspicious. He slid over to Inko and whispered, "Fair warning: he's probably lying. He breaks deals and promises with me all the time."

"I've never had that problem with him," Inko said. "It's possible he sees me as more of an equal, although I freely admit that it reflects poorly on him if he thinks he doesn't have to keep promises to you just because you're younger."

Or it might be because of the "sleeping on the couch" threat. Yuuto didn't care to think too much about that. Although he was quite relieved to have avoided a fight in his current exhausted condition, he planned to keep a close eye on his big brother in the future. He still didn't trust this deal to last.

TWO YEARS LATER:

Sunlight shone down on the gate to U.A. Academy. Yuuto waved. "Over here, Izuku."

His nephew ran over, looking adorable in his dark uniform. "Any special reason you came to pick me up from school today?"

"We're going out to dinner tonight. Your dad says we have something to celebrate, but he's playing coy about what."

"He likes the excuse to spoil his family. I'm sure it's nothing important."

"Strangely enough…so am I." Yuuto had held onto his suspicious for a full year before finally admitting that Hisashi wasn't going to break his promise to Inko. It was uncanny. He wanted to tease his brother about being whipped, but he was afraid to break the mirage. Life had been good lately. He'd been able to hold conversations with his brother that didn't end in shouting. He didn't want to lose that.

A passing student waved at Yuuto. "Congratulations on making the top ten heroes, White-Haired Menace."

"Thank you," Yuuto said dully. He'd long ago given up on arguing about the name.

Izuku peered at his face. "Why do you look so downcast? Number ten hero is impressive."

Even his nephew's praise couldn't appease him. "Because I'm not a professional hero! I'm a vigilante!" Yuuto glared at nothing. "Do you know how much effort I put into avoiding Miruko? She never did manage to give me that hero license! And the Hero Commission just ignored it! They registered me as a hero against my will!"

"Does it matter so much?" Izuku asked. "If you haven't changed your behavior but they've stopped chasing you, then you basically won."

"This doesn't feel like winning," Yuuto grumbled. "I enjoyed pissing off the authorities. Now they just ignore me and still take credit for everything I do. It's infuriating!" Whenever Yuuto broke the rules, the government docked his salary, but since he'd never once collected the money, it was nothing but a show. "No matter how many times I explain I'm not a professional hero, no one listens to me…"

"I bet Dad wants us to celebrate your new rank."

"Do you really think he'd celebrate my heroic successes—" Yuuto stopped abruptly. The fact that this annoyed Yuuto so much was more than enough to make his older brother throw a party. "Ugh, that probably is it. He's going to spend the entire dinner dropping snide comments about how I swore I'd never go pro and look at me now. 'Speaking of things you swore never to do, Yuuto, are you going to become a villain next?' The insufferable asshole. I know exactly how to ruin his evening."

Yuuto whipped out his phone and typed: Hey Kaji, are you free for dinner and do you want to help me piss my brother off? He laughed as he hit send.

Izuku asked, "Aren't you still a vigilante too? I still see your same friends coming around the house, so they don't seem to mind."

"Yeah, the other vigilantes all think it's hilarious." At least Yuuto's friendships and underground alliances hadn't been affected. But on the other hand, he'd received no sympathy when he'd complained to Hypatia, his vigilante inventor best friend. "Hypatia laughed in my face when I told her that I'd been forcibly added to the hero rankings. Then she organized all the vigilantes to vote for me! I'm pretty sure they're the reason I made it into the top ten."

Izuku said, "They're proud that one of their own got recognized."

"Huh. That could be it." At least for some of them. Yuuto remained quite certain that Hypatia just enjoyed his suffering. "Still, no power on earth can drag me to the Hero Billboard Chart JP—"

"Yo, White-Haired Menace!" Miruko waved from her place perched on a lamppost.

Yuuto stared up in dull resignation. "Why do you keep chasing me? You've won. Everyone thinks I'm a professional hero no matter what I say or do."

Miruko grinned. "I don't care about that. I just want to finish our fight!"

"I don't." Yuuto had gotten very, very tired of being pursued all over the city by a feral blood knight. He wondered if this was how she made villains feel. If so, he had a sudden sense of sympathy for the other side.

"Who cares what you want? Today's the day we settle our score!" Miruko leapt down.

Yuuto paled. "Sorry, Izuku, I've got to run. I'll see you at dinner!"

He took off at top speed, a rabid rabbit on his heels.

Alone, Izuku continued down the street, wondering what his father might be celebrating. Despite his assurances to his uncle, he remained a tad suspicious. His father's surprises were inevitably either wonderful or disastrous, with little middle ground.

Attending U.A. had been everything Izuku had ever hoped for. He felt so fortunate that both Katsuki and Shouto had ended up in his class, and he'd made so many new friends, too. Having All Might start teaching the same year he enrolled had been a real stroke of good luck. Izuku still could barely believe that All Might had recruited him to help design his equipment and even started training him in quirkless heroism. Though Uncle Yuuto had hinted to him about passing on his quirk someday, Izuku felt confident he could become a hero with or without a quirk. It was a great feeling.

As he passed a bank, Izuku came to a screeching halt. Something was off. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but the silence…the ajar door…

Izuku moved forward quickly but quietly. He peeked through the crack. Two robbers with dinosaur face masks and quirk-large muscles stood over a terrified bank cashier, waving guns.

Unfortunately, one of the customers huddled together noticed Izuku. A squeal escaped his lips. The robbers turned around.

Then they promptly dropped to their knees and offered up their hands for cuffs. "We surrender, All for One's rival!"

Izuku's eye twitched. As soon as he'd entered U.A., his father had publicly declared that Izuku was his archnemesis and he would destroy any villains who "stole his kill" by attacking him. Izuku had to admit that it was a pretty clever for his father to protect him without revealing their connection. It was also very, very annoying.

Keeping a careful eye on the robbers, Izuku pulled out his phone. "You stay there while I call the police." He raised his voice to address the hostages. "You're safe, now."

The robbers cowered even lower on the floor. Because of his father's declaration, most minor villains were convinced he was actually some sort of insanely overpowered monster capable of defeating even All for One.

Speaking of the devil: a familiar voice purred, "Impressive accomplishment, my archnemesis."

Izuku turned around. His father leaned in the doorway with an amused smile on his lips. A skull mask covered his face, meaning he was in-costume. Although Izuku knew from experience that he'd also be using another quirk to disguise his features underneath.

"Did you arrange this to make me look good?" Izuku asked.

Hisashi smiled. "No, my plan to increase your heroic reputation was much more elaborate. I had explosives rigged around this bank—all fake, don't worry. You were going to pass by and save everyone. Then these two fools took it into their heads to rob the same bank I was targeting. My hard work was wasted, but the end result was the same."

"You don't have to keep doing this," Izuku sighed. During his tenure as a hero student, his father arranged villainous schemes only Izuku could stop on a weekly basis.

Hisashi's grin widened. "But I promised to support your heroic endeavors. I gave my word to your mother."

Izuku was fairly certain his father did this 50% to protect him, 50% to annoy him.

A siren announced the approaching police.

His dad held out his wrists to imitate the robbers. "Even though most of my plan had to be canceled, you can still arrest me. Don't worry—I'll escape in time to make it to dinner. We have two things to celebrate. First, your uncle making tenth ranked hero." He grinned in anticipation of annoying his younger brother, with no idea about the surprise guest Yuuto had planned. "Secondly, I have it on good information from my contacts inside the Hero Public Safety Commission that you're about to receive an award for arresting the notorious villain All for One yet again."

"Please stop, Dad. I want to become a hero on my own merits." Izuku had to try even though he knew it wouldn't do any good.

Hisashi winked. "You'd better stop talking. The authorities have arrived." He collapsed to the floor, faking unconsciousness.

A policeman and a policewoman rushed into the bank. Upon spotting All for One, they gasped.

"Whoa, I'm so impressed! You've captured him so many times. It's not your fault those idiots at Tartarus can't hold onto him." The policeman pumped Izuku's hand. "I'm voting for you in the next hero ranking. At this rate, you'll make top ten before you even graduate."

Izuku's eye twitched. "Joy," he said, trying not to sound as bitter as he felt.

OMAKE TIME!

Omake: If Miruko Saw Chapter Two

Miruko: (Watches Inko tase the man trying to take her hostage.) I approve, my fan! Hit him even harder!

#

Omake: Irony

Nana: Planning to give my grandson a quirk? It had better not be something dangerous.

Hisashi: Oh, please, why would I give a cool power like Decay to the relative of someone who's defying me? I was thinking about giving him sticky fingers.

#He might offer a powerful quirk now he wants to recruit Tenko as a villain #But don't worry, Tenko isn't interested

#

Omake: Izuku Finally Gets His Merch Signed

Izuku: Nana Shimura! I'm so excited to meet you! I have so many things for you to sign…

Nana: Aw, you're even cuter in-person. I'm happy to meet a fan. Also, tell your father that if he doesn't stop trying to recruit Tenko into his shady organization, I'm totally kidnapping you to adopt you as my new grandchild.

Izuku: I'll make him stop, then you can adopt me anyway!

#

Omake: The War of the Family Dinner Begins

Hisashi: Congratulations on making tenth ranked hero, "White-Haired Menace." If you'd joined the regular way you could have picked your own name. What a pity your stubbornness backfired on you yet again. On the bright side, the worthless Hero Commission somehow picked the perfect name that describes you in every way.

Yuuto: Big brother, this is my boyfriend, Kaji. We're going to spend the entire dinner calling each other pet names and displaying public affection in front of you.

Hisashi: PUT THAT THING BACK IN THE GRAVE HE CRAWLED OUT OF.

#

Omake: Izuku Makes His Dad Give Eri a Quirk and Everyone Lives to Regret It

Hisashi: (Pouting.) My beloved son says that I need to give you your quirk back. Unfortunately.

Eri: I actually have a lot of mixed feelings about Rewind, so if you'd give me some time to think about it and work through my trauma—

Hisashi: Great, I didn't want to give up Rewind because I love it. Here's another quirk instead. Bye.

Eri: Wait! What did you just do to me?

Hisashi: I gave you Decay. It's super-inconvenient and I hate wearing gloves. I've been looking for some loser to unload that obnoxious ability on.

Eri: Hey! I have mixed feelings about Rewind because I'm afraid of hurting people. The last thing I want is another destructive power!

Hisashi: Ugh, fine. Something nice and harmless, got it. How about a bunny quirk?

Eri: If you'd stop and listen to me— (She sprouts bunny ears.) Why am I suddenly filled with murderous rage?

Hisashi: Whoops, that was Monty Python's Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog quirk. Basically the same thing, right?

Eri: Not the same thing at all! I'm going to bite your head off!

Hisashi: Whoa, what a lack of gratitude.

Eri: Give me a different quirk before I surrender to the murderous impulses of the Legendary Black Beast of Arrrghhh. I want a healing quirk. Something I can use to help people.

Hisashi: Jeez, talk about demanding. Do you know how rare those are? Here you go.

Eri: (Sprouts muscles all over her body.) What's happening to me?

Hisashi: Whoops, that was a regeneration quirk with body-strengthening properties. Now I remember why I never used that one—the muscles look so silly. On the plus side, that ability is probably the only thing stopping your body from exploding since I forgot to take back any of the other quirks I gave you.

Eri: Argh! I'm going to kill you! I'm going to tell Izuku!

Hisashi: Wait, no, my son doesn't need to know about any of this. I'll give you a nice quirk you can use for healing, I promise. Here you go.

Eri: Did you just give me Overhaul's quirk?

Hisashi: Consider it compensation for his crimes. It can definitely be used in a medical context. Yup, I've nailed it this time.

Eri: So much trauma…entering PTSD flashback…murder death kill!

Hisashi: Whoa, that killer rabbit quirk came with some very, very sharp teeth. Yikes, stay away! Don't try to bite my head off!

Ten years later:

Decay has turned this area into a barren wasteland. Hisashi runs as fast as he can to keep ahead of the deadly touch. A very buff bunny-eared Eri runs after him, with her ten rows of sharp teeth gnashing at his heels.

Hisashi: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why does everyone I force quirks on end up hating me?

#Sadly Hisashi is too sociopathic to understand why Overhaul's quirk would be traumatizing for Eri #Eri's a total powerhouse now with four OP quirks and a major grudge #Hisashi may be in a lot of trouble

#

Omake: A Future Wedding

Hisashi: Hey, Kaji, I'm here to arrange your bachelor's party.

Kaji: You can't possibly imagine that I'm stupid enough to let you do that.

Hisashi: There will be strippers and hookers.

Kaji: I'm not going to cheat on Yuuto with a prostitute, no matter how badly you want an excuse to call off the wedding.

Hisashi: But I arranged for all of them to have STDs, just for you!

#All the heroes in Japan held their breath waiting for a disaster on the day of the wedding #But luckily Hisashi had already tired himself out trying to stop it from happening #He seemed in a dazed state of denial throughout the ceremony

#

Omake: This is More of an Epilogue Snippet, But Once the Idea Seized My Brain It Wouldn't Let Go

As Yuuto headed to the kitchen to refill his tea mug, he nearly stepped on a Lego tower. Looking down, he saw his daughter had created a series of castles surrounded by grey walls. They sprawled out from the living room and invaded the rest of the house. Her creation was a strange mix of science-fiction and fantasy, with spaceships and dragons alike guarding the walls. A pit in the middle held numerous Lego people captive while villains from different eras loomed over them.

Glancing over his shoulder, he called, "Hanaka, I told you not to put your toys where someone might trip over them."

"Sorry, Dad." A five-year-old girl poked her head out of the living room. She had blond hair, green eyes with white pupils, and a gap-toothed grin. "My empire got too large to be contained in one room."

"It looks amazing, kid." Yuuto patted his daughter's spikey head. "You built all of this in a few days? I'm proud of you." He couldn't bring himself to dismantle her creations, even if they were in the way.

Little Hanaka had come as a complete surprise. While fitting against a villain, Kaji and Yuuto had been hit by a strange quirk and ended up holding a baby with both their genetic material. It had been a huge adjustment and required Yuuto to take a leave of absence from heroing, but it had most definitely been worth it.

The doorbell rang. Hisashi called, "I brought presents for my adorable niece."

"Nice! I just ran out of building materials." Hanaka's eyes lit up as she barreled for the door. She stood on her tip-toes to open it. Then she hopped up and down, chanting, "What did you bring me? What did you bring me?"

Ruffling her hair, Hisashi cooed, "I'll buy my little princess anything her heart desires." He let her peek into his shopping bag. "I've got more Legos, a sparkly makeup kit, and figurines of all your favorite villains."

"Uncle Hisashi is the best!" Hanaka cried, clinging to him. He bounced her up and down, then spun her in a circle.

At one time, Yuuto had been worried that Hisashi might treat Hanaka differently because she'd turned out to look so much like Kaji. But Hisashi had never even seemed to notice where her ash-blonde hair and adorable little fangs came from. In fact, Hisashi appeared to be in a deep state of cognitive dissonance that Kaji had anything to do with his beloved niece's existence. This beat him trying to murder Kaji, so Yuuto would take it.

Hisashi doted on Hanaka and gave her more gifts with each daily visit than could fit in the house. Yuuto could barely donate the old toys to charity fast enough. Hisashi volunteered to babysit so aggressively that Yuuto often worried about getting his daughter back afterward. Ever since Izuku had left home, empty-nest syndrome had turned All for One even more clingy than usual. In turn, Hanaka loved her uncle so much that she'd cry if she didn't see him for longer than a few days.

As Hanaka opened all her new toys, Hisashi sat down on the sofa across from Yuuto.

Yuuto said, "Congratulations on Izuku becoming number one hero. Genetics sure are funny, aren't they?" He laughed.

It was Yuuto's greatest pleasure to needle his older brother as Izuku achieved greater and greater heights as a hero. Normally, he at least got a twitch in response. But lately, Hisashi only smiled mysteriously. Maybe it was a good thing that he was coming to terms with his son's chosen profession? But it gave Yuuto a strange feeling.

"Genetics are indeed a crapshoot." With that same smile on his lips, Hisashi called, "Hanaka, my angel, who are your favorite cartoon characters?"

Sitting on the floor, Hanaka listed off, "Poison Ivy, the Riddler, and Catwoman. But especially the Joker. He's so cool."

Hisashi raised an eyebrow. "Do you notice anything in common between those characters, little brother?"

"They're all Batman characters?" Yuuto shrugged. "She's gotten into old cartoons lately. I've been having so much fun sharing all the shows we used to watch in our childhood with her."

"I love the Hero and the Demon King," Hanaka said. "The Demon King is my favorite."

"Ha…ha…" Hisashi had doubled-over laughing. Honestly, what had gotten into him?

"She likes characters who wear black," Yuuto said. "That's her current favorite color."

"I'm going to wear a super-cool black mask someday," Hanaka said.

Yuuto perked up. "Oh, you're interested in becoming a hero?"

"Nah. Too much work." Hanaka flicked back a lock of hair falling over her eyes. "Someday, I'm going to have other people to do my fighting for me. I'll need guards to watch over my future billions of yen."

"It's great that you're so ambitious. You're such a smart kid." Deep down, Yuuto was a little disappointed, but he took care not to let it show. Of course it would thrill him if his daughter became a hero, but he didn't want to pressure her. Besides, she was too young to decide her life course. No matter what she chose in the end, he was determined to be equally supportive.

Why was Hisashi still laughing like that? What had gotten into him? Had he accidentally inhaled laughing gas?

A buzz from Yuuto's phone drew his attention. His eyes widened as he read the message. "Hanaka…" He wet his lips, trying to figure out how to break the news. "Your kindergarten teacher has been in an accident. She fell down a flight of stairs and broke her leg. You'll be getting a substitute while she's in the hospital. I'm sorry. I'm certain she'll be just fine—"

Hanaka rolled her eyes. "Relax, Dad. I never liked her."

The humor had dropped off Hisashi's face. He said, "I'm proud of you, my perfect princess, but at your age, you need to be more careful. You could get yourself into serious trouble."

"I'm not stupid, Uncle Hisashi." Hanaka pouted. "I didn't lay a finger on her. It was some high school delinquents I know."

All color drained from Yuuto's face as he realized what his older brother had implied and exactly how his daughter had responded. Weakly, he asked, "You're friends with some older kids? I didn't know that."

"I wouldn't exactly call us friends." Hanaka shrugged. "I give them some advice, and in exchange, sometimes they do me favors. Tit for tat."

Yuuto whispered, "Your teacher…"

"She called me an unnatural abomination of nature because I have two fathers and said our whole family ought to be driven out of town. After I told my acquaintances how this hurt my feelings, they took care of it without me needing to do anything. Wasn't that nice of them?" A smug smile curved on Hanaka's lips. "Now she won't say mean things about you and Papa anymore." She resumed building her Lego empire across the living room floor.

Still shaking, Yuuto saw his older brother wearing a smug grin identical to his niece's. With false sympathy, Hisashi said, "Guess who you've got in your genetic material, little brother? I was going to let you figure it out for yourself, but someone had to step in before it went too far. At this rate, you were going to let her get away with murder, possibly literally."

"Urk," Yuuto said.

Hisashi patted his stunned little brother on the back. "If you ask nicely, I'll give you advice on what she's up to and how to get her to stop doing it."

With dawning horror, Yuuto realized he was going to need to rely on his older brother for parenting help.

Author's Note:

While writing up the epilogue part of the chapter, I thought about what would happen if Yuuto and Kaji started a family in this AU. A mad notion seized my brain that if Hisashi had a son who wanted to be a hero, clearly Yuuto needed a daughter who's a high-functioning sociopath and loves villains. From there, I wrote that last snippet as if possessed. It didn't seem long enough to be a chapter so I stuck it in the omakes. It's glorious to imagine the future resulting chaos.

Small Easter Egg: Hanaka was named after the historical hero I mention briefly in the last chapter of "A Life Not Lived," because she was a good friend of Yuuto's.

Don't worry too much about Hanaka. Yuuto is actually in a great position to successfully raise a child on the sociopath spectrum because of his past experience with his older brother and his ability to love such a child unconditionally. Furthermore, Hanaka is a total Daddy's girl, so she's unlikely to do anything too evil because it would upset her fathers—or at least, nothing she thinks they'll find out about.

My next story in the Tuesday update slot will be a change in pace: a dark Vault Time story called Let Hope Not Be Lost.