A/N: Some of you will not like this chapter. Please don't hate me.
Chapter 9
We somehow managed to get downstairs in time for dinner. Mama and Papa were smiling when we took our places beside each other. "Well?" Mama asked.
"She said yes," Carlos announced. Mama and Papa were very happy.
"When do you want to get married?" Papa asked.
"As soon as possible," Carlos answered. We were only seventeen one of us had to be at least eighteen before the state would allow us to apply for a marriage license.
"Labour day weekend?" I suggested. Mama grabbed the calendar to check the date.
"Perfect!" she exclaimed. "We'll have to apply on your birthday Carlos, which falls on a Tuesday. Luis can give our permission for Stephanie to marry you. The license will be ready to pick up on the Friday. You can get married sometime that weekend depending on the officiant's availability."
"Is that okay with you Stephanie?"
I'll be a very young bride, but I was ready to tie myself to this gorgeous man. "Yes." We had a plan in place.
The rest of our visit was busy entertaining extended family. My fiancé's family loved to throw parties for every occasion. Lester was surprised but angry Carlos and I were getting married. I was angry when I overheard him trying to talk Carlos into changing his mind. He thought Carlos should have sex with other women before tying himself to me.
Apparently the women in Miami were literally throwing themselves at him. I've always trusted Carlos, but after hearing Lester talk, I was beginning to have some serious doubts. I pretended everything was fine and managed to get through the holidays in one piece. On January second, Carlos said his goodbyes before leaving with Papa, Abuela and Lester for the airport. It would have been too uncomfortable for me to sit in the backseat with Carlos and Lester. They have been bulking up and took up a lot of space.
Carlos has a very muscular, sexy body. I'm almost seven months pregnant and would be completely shapeless if it wasn't for the huge baby bump protruding from my body. Lester should have stayed in Miami. His arguments with Carlos nearly destroyed me. He was clearly a player and wanted Carlos to join in the fun. I really didn't know what I wanted to do anymore. The saying 'If you really love something set it free. If it comes back it's yours, if not it wasn't meant to be' was on repeat in my head.
Mama sensed my mood and sought me out to talk. She found me changing my bedding to erase Carlos' scent. "What's wrong hija?"
I couldn't stop the tears. "I overheard Les talking to Carlos. He thinks Carlos should 'play the field' before settling for me. It's like I'm dog shit stuck on the bottom of Carlos' shoes and he needs to change them before he gets shit on his socks. What do I do Mama?"
She thought for a few minutes before answering. "Live your life for yourself hija. Make your own decisions. Continue on the path you originally planned out."
"Go to college and graduate in under three years then enlist in the Army," I recited my plan.
"Papa and I will raise Julie while you're away. I promise hija."
"Gracias Mama. I'm going to tell Carlos we're too young to get married and set him free. He shouldn't trap himself with a child that isn't his." I was hurting, but I also knew it was the right decision at this time. Carlos needs to find his own way in life and not follow the path I laid out for myself. "I'll call him tomorrow. If we were meant to be, we will find each other again."
"You are very wise hija. I'm sorry your heart is breaking." She gave me a tight hug before leaving me to make my bed. I removed his shirts from my dresser and put them under the bed in the storage tote. The ring was in a velvet bag hidden beneath the shirts. I had one more huge item to check off my list. Transfer to Douglass college for the summer term. I'll have to live in residence, but if I keep my current grades, my scholarship will cover the cost.
I opened a new journal and started to write. 'Carlos, my love. I am so sorry, but I don't think we should get married.' I continued writing everything I decided today, but I never mentioned the reason behind my actions. My daughter wasn't going to be his daughter after all. She was going to have the last name of Guzman. This was a journal I was dedicating to the love of my life. Once it's filled, I'll stop writing to him.
Carlos called when he got home. It was literally now or ever. As difficult as it was, I broke off our engagement and told Carlos to go find himself. I held off the tears until our conversation ended. He kept asking me to reconsider and wanted to know what happened to change my mind.
Sharp pains radiated throughout my body. I called out to Mama when I saw blood pooling between my legs. She called emergency and I was taken to the hospital by ambulance. I gave birth to my son, Stephan Luis Plum-Guzman on January 3, 2002. The doctor was wrong. I was expecting a boy, not a girl. My son was so handsome but he only weighed 3 lbs. I was told if he could make it past the first 24 hours, he'll have a better chance of survival. Just after midnight on January 4, 2002, Stephan joined the angels. All my plans went out the window. Life as I knew it was over. Papa decided to take a DNA sample to compare to my rapists. I really didn't care about anything anymore. My baby, biological family, my friends and Carlos... all gone. Only emptiness remained, leaving behind holes Mama and Papa would be unable to fill. My sacrifices no longer had a purpose.
A few days after college started, I met with the dean to return my scholarship. He assured me it would be issued to the next person in line. I decided to withdraw my application too. Papa drove me to the Army recruiting office at the mall where I found my Uncle Ace. I know Papa wanted me to reconsider, but I needed to do this for me.
My uncle was in the storefront this week. I entered his office and officially joined the Army. The next training camp didn't start until fall, so Uncle Alex... I mean General Palmer... decided to take me under his wing to prepare me for basic training. I had 30 lbs to lose from my pregnancy. "I'll call you after I talk to Mama," I promised Uncle Alex. She needed to tell me what the doctor advised after I gave birth. I barely heard a word he said.
"You have my number Fanny?" he asked. I quickly recited the number I memorized and deleted from my phone. "That's the one."
At home, Papa and I talked about my new plan. Mama wasn't happy I joined the Army, but she understood I needed something to give my life meaning again. "Why did he have to die? Did I do something wrong?"
"You did everything right hija. The umbilical cord was too short and the placenta wasn't as firmly attached as the doctor thought. When the your baby rolled over, the placenta detached. There was nothing you could do." When I read the medical report, I learned the placenta was spanning the opening near the Fallopian tube. Losing him was inevitable. It wasn't anyone's fault. Placing the blame won't bring my son back.
"How long before I can exercise?" I wanted to know.
"Between four and six weeks. If it's rigorous exercise, then you need the maximum time to heal," she recited the doctor's instructions.
"Mama, Papa, I need to ask for a huge favour. I want to live with General Alex Palmer. He'll prepare me for basic training." I could see the hurt in Mama's eyes. "Please Mama, I need this. If I don't go soon..." I couldn't finish my thought. I started crying too hard.
"Ella, General Palmer says she needs somewhere else to go. She was raped, discovered she was pregnant, disowned by her family, adopted by us, engaged to her teenage love, broke up with him and just lost her baby. All of this happened within eight months. It's a lot for her to handle right now. I agree with General Palmer, she needs something else to focus on, to distract her from losing her son and giving up her love. His wife is a psychologist and will help her work through her grief." Papa was really selling it to Mama, but he was right. I needed something to give me a reason to live.
"I'm going to miss you hija." She pulled me into her arms and held until I fell asleep from exhaustion.
I woke up the following day on the couch. Papa didn't want to carry me upstairs to my room. "Morning Stephanie," Papa said as he handed me a cup of coffee.
"Thank you Papa." He understood I was thanking him for more than just the coffee. "When is he picking me up?"
"1400 hours. Mama packed your bags and your journal for Carlos." I originally planned to write in it, but after losing Stephan, I changed my mind.
"I don't need the journal anymore. I'll finish packing." He nodded and accepted the nearly full cup of coffee I gave him. Mama had my bags on my bed. They were still open so I could approve the contents. "Thank you Mama. I can take it from here."
"Let me know if you need anything else."
"I will. Mama?"
"Yes hija?"
"I love you." She pulled me into her arms and whispered the same words to me. I was going to miss her, but I needed to take charge of my life. For too many months, everything was out of my control. I removed the journal and tore out the page I wrote to Carlos. On a new page, I wrote a long letter to Carlos, using all the words I heard Lester use. There will be no mistake where I heard these words.
'Carlos,
Please find it in your heart to forgive me. Breaking our engagement over the phone was a very cowardly move. I wanted you to know making that decision broke my heart. I'm completely devastated. Lester was right, you shouldn't settle for me. You should go have sex with other women to find out exactly what or who you want. Be his wingman. Give yourself to those stacked, gorgeous women who are constantly throwing themselves at you. Why would you want to marry a round pregnant woman who's carrying another man's child? You should be sowing your wild oats. Taste all the fruit available to you.
I could go on, but I can't because my heart is completely shattered. Today is January 5, 2002. My beautiful baby was born two days ago and died yesterday. The funeral is in a few hours. Only me, Mama and Papa will be in attendance. I'm not going to college after all. Losing my little one changed the trajectory of my life. I hope to see you again some day. I will love you forever. You own a piece of my heart, but the part my son held is now completely empty.
Goodbye. Stay safe.
Steph.'
I placed the journal in the storage tote with everything Carlos gave me, including the locket and the photo of us together. A small picture of Stephan was added to the empty window. The only pictures I kept was of my little boy and Carlos from Christmas. Carlos was sitting at the table eating the pie I helped Mama bake. My little boy was in the incubator attached to a bunch of tubes and wires. I carefully folded the pictures and shoved them into the small wallet I was taking with me. It would be the only reminder I have of him and my son.
Papa drove us to the cemetery. I watched as they buried my baby in the smallest coffin I have ever seen. He was lain to rest at Ricardo Manoso's feet. His great grandfather will watch over him. I opted against a grave marker with his name. Maybe someday I'll change my mind. Mama and Papa left me alone to say my final goodbye. I felt familiar muscular arms wrap around me. "I'm so sorry," Hector whispered in my ear.
"How did you find out?" I wanted to know.
"My friend saw you go in an ambulance and leave the hospital crying yesterday. He followed you here and saw the small coffin." Hector held me as I sobbed into his shoulder.
"I'm leaving today and won't be coming back. I broke up with Carlos before I lost my son. Carlos doesn't know."
"He said you were having a girl. Why did you break up with Ricky?" Hector has been a very good friend and deserved an answer.
"The doctor was wrong about the baby's gender. Lester is the reason I broke up with Ricky. He said Ricky shouldn't settle for a woman pregnant with another man's child. Lester had the nerve to insinuate I wasn't really raped. Now I understand why Carlos insisted on hearing the story multiple times. I was such a fool," I confessed.
"Ricky... Carlos is the fool. You are a beautiful and kind woman, hermana. Where are you going?"
"Where I can't be found, hermano." Hector had become my friend and surrogate brother since I met him. "I promise to write. If you write back, mail it to the Guzman's and they'll send it to me. I love you hermano."
He hugged me tight and said, "I love you hermana." I let him walk me back to Papa's car where I gave him a final hug goodbye.
My uncle was waiting for me when I got home. He was a few minutes early, so I wasn't worried about disappointing him on my first day. Papa set my bags in the trunk and pulled me into his arms. Mama quickly followed suit. "I don't want him to know, but if he comes here looking for me, give him the tote under my bed. An explanation is in the journal." They understood I was talking about Carlos.
"We will hija. Please stay safe and write or call us," Mama requested.
"I'll try my best Mama," I said unsure what I would be able to do. I didn't want to give her false hope or disappoint her. Currently I own majority of the shares in false hope. Retreating to the land of denial would only cause me to face my issues later in life. It was the only vacation destination I wanted to avoid.
I sat in the front passenger seat of Uncle Alex's car and waved to my family as we drove away. We were catching a flight to Columbus Georgia.