Chapter 10

I started basic training at Fort Benning just over one month ago. All my pregnancy weight disappeared by the time I hit my son's due date. My eighteenth birthday was yesterday. Uncle Alex gave me a new locket containing a miniature photo of Stephan. His picture hid his birth and death day engraved into the metal. It read, Stephan Luis 20020103-20020104. Only someone who knows me would understand the significance.

Papa sent me a letter last week. The DNA proved Joseph Morelli was Stephan's biological father. He was the long shot, but I wasn't really surprised. It's exactly my kind of luck. Burg rumour said Dickie got a vasectomy when he turned eighteen after a pregnancy scare when he was younger. Losing Stephan was almost like a blessing in disguise. All Morelli men were abusive rapists but nobody in the Burg talked about it. I guess they all own prime real estate in denial land.

Mama told me Carlos visited just a week after I left. He was furious with Lester. After reading my letter written to him in the journal, he knew I overheard everything. Unlike me, Carlos was going to stick with the original plan. He also gave Mama a letter to send to me. I pulled his letter from my pocket to read it again.

'Stephanie, the love of my life,

I read your letter to me. Why didn't you tell me you heard my conversation with Lester? He's been a player since the day he lost his virginity. I guess he enjoys the variety of women so much that he assumed it would be best for me too.

There is only one woman I want. You. I only want you Babe. Please let me know you're safe. It would kill me if anything happened to you. Keep Abuela's ring. In my heart we are still engaged. I fell in love with you when we first met on the beach. One day I will marry you.

I'm sorry you lost the baby. I read your message several times and noticed you never mentioned your daughter or her name. Since you are a very intelligent woman, I could only assume you had a son... the doctor wrong about the girl? I wanted to add his name to the gravestone but your mama and papa didn't know what name you gave him.

Did you know I visited my Abuelo's grave? I noticed freshly turned soil at the foot of his coffin. I'm sticking with our plan. College for a few years to obtain my business degree then join the Army. Since you're not going to be in college, will I see you in Basic training?

Until we meet again, my love. You are my heart, my soul and my life. I will love you forever. Our love transcends all obstacles. We will cross paths again. I know we are fated to be together.

Don't go crazy,

Love always, Carlos.'

When I return to my barracks, I vowed to send Carlos a letter. I still love him and I'm coping with the loss of my son. Rylie Palmer, Alex's wife, also lost a child during her pregnancy. As a result, she was unable to have children or maybe she just didn't want to take another risk. The doctors assured me I could carry another baby to term without complications. These complications were just a series of unfortunate events.

Rylie really helped me deal with losing my child. It isn't something you just get over easily. She recommended another therapist to help me cope with all the losses I've experienced during the few years. I know it wasn't my fault I was raped. Life is too short to hang onto sadness. I shouldn't let other people dictate what I want in life. The next time I see Lester Santos, I'm going to kick his ass. It would serve him right to have his ass handed to him by a woman and I'm just the one to deliver such a beat down. If Carlos and I are meant to be, we will find our way back to each other. I agree with him, we are fated to be together. It just wasn't the right time yet.

My training squad only had two females. Me and a woman named Jeanne Ellen Burrows. She has long dark hair and warm brown eyes. I noticed she was a cross between Lester and Carlos. Her complexion was somewhere between Carlos' mocha and Lester's olive tone. Her eyes were the exact shade of brown as Carlos' eyes. I learned after a few weeks she was related to both men. Her mother was Ella, Maria and Sophia's cousin. In the adoptive sense only, she was also my cousin. Right now, I needed a friend, not another family member.

Uncle Alex registered me as Fannie Palmer, which was my suggestion. My legal name is still Stephanie Michelle Plum. Even though Ella and Luis adopted me, I wouldn't let them legally change my last name. I assumed their last name, as I'm assuming Uncle Alex's last name. Basically, I was hiding in plain sight. Everyone would expect me to change my last name and wouldn't use it to find me.

Jeanne and I trained hard to get through our year of training. I managed to get through the first anniversary of my son's death. They gave me a few days to grieve so I visited a tattoo shop. I heard rumour a man named Flamin Fred does tattoos, but this was one I needed to do on my own. Training kept me from wallowing too much in self pity. Crying over his death wouldn't bring him back. The words 'it must have been God's plan' or 'he's in a better place now' even 'it just wasn't meant to be' or 'it's for the best' all make me want to scream. Maybe one day those words won't incite anger, but until that day, keep your opinion to yourself.

My therapist says feeling anger over his loss is progress. We all move through the stages of grief at different rates and order. I've been channeling my anger through my training. It's keeping me focused and I know exactly what I hope to achieve. I can think about Stephan without crying now. He'll forever have a place in my heart.

A small box was on my bed when I retired to the barracks after dinner. I opened it to find several letters from Carlos, one from Hector, a few from Mama and one from my bio-dad. His letter was the one I chose to open first. Valerie married Steve late last year and just gave birth to their first daughter, Angie. I quickly did the math and discovered she was pregnant when they got married. Joe Morelli was discharged from the Navy and was now working for the Trenton police department. Apparently he got into a lot of fights. Random men would kick his ass for no reason. That piece of news made me smile… thank you Uncle Alex. I really didn't care what that creep was up to and I didn't want to know. The Burg was being the Burg... in other words, still spreading lies... about me. BD (bio-dad) was upset I didn't call him after my baby was born and he wanted to meet his grandchild. Sorry… not going to happen.

I read a few letters from Carlos. He was celibate, so he says, and hated college. I was surprised to learn he's fast-tracking and will graduate in June 2004... next year. His marks were still in the top percentile. Carlos is a very intelligent man. Lester was planning to join the Army with him. He said it was to make up for all the crap he said about me. I can't wait to kick his ass… I mean spar with him. His relationship with Carlos became strained after I left.

Mama's letter contained a secure phone number to call my BD. He's been calling them for months to check in. His patience was starting to wear a little thin and my anger started to increase. Jeanne Ellen walked into our shared barracks and saw me crying. She wrapped her arms around me for comfort. "What's with all the tears?" she quietly asked. Her eyes swept across the letters spread out over my blanket.

"They're happy and angry tears, if that makes any sense. My ex-boyfriend keeps writing. He's still in love with me and I know I'm still in love with him. I haven't seen him since a year ago January and I really miss him. BD was asking about my baby," I answered. After I lost my son, I started referring to Frank Plum as my BD for biological dad. Jeanne Ellen loved the acronym. I had already told Jeanne Ellen the entire story from the rape to when my son died. She was raped by her boyfriend's best friend the summer before she enlisted. Joining the Army was her way to regain some control without having to make all the other tough decisions. I understand exactly what she means. Making decisions was difficult after my traumatic incident. It was more challenging after my son passed away. I second guessed everything. Training, following rules and protocols kept me focused on my goals. We attended a group therapy session to cope with being raped. It was amazing how many women get raped and it isn't reported.

"My cousin Carlos," she said, recognizing the writing. "I've been telling him all about you in my letters. He commented how much you reminded him of his fiancée Stephanie. I'm sorry, I had no idea you're his Stephanie. I thought your name was Fannie Palmer."

"It's okay Jeanne. My real name is Stephanie Michelle Plum. I'm sorry I didn't tell you last year. It isn't a secret, but please don't tell him who I really am. Fannie is my name here. It's actually a nickname my uncle gave me when I was little. Palmer is my uncle's last name. Only the top military officials know my real name. BD used to be in the Army and still has contacts in the area. I don't want him to find me or know I enlisted. He sided with my incubator and put me up for adoption when they discovered I was pregnant. Now all he wants is for me to tell him about Stephan... a child who no longer exists. I'm still not ready to talk to him about my son."

"Shhh..." she consoled me. "Everything will work out for the best. All your secrets are safe with me." I knew I could trust her, just like she knows I'm trustworthy and will keep her secrets.

"Thanks Jeanne. You are a great friend." I could feel her smiling against my temple. We sat embracing on my bed until our commanding officer told us it was time for lights out.

Jeanne Ellen told me a few weeks ago she was a lesbian. I didn't really care what her sexual orientation was. She's a kind, generous woman and my best friend in the Army. I accepted her flashlight so I could quickly pen a response to my BD. Calling him was not something I was willing to do. I don't have to hear his judgement when he reads my letter.

'BD (biological dad),

I'm not sure what to call you. Are you my dad? Not anymore, you gave up those rights. I know I promised to call you after I had the baby, but I wasn't in the proper frame of mind to do so. It took several months to finally move past the pain of burying my son. Surprise... the doctor was wrong... it was a boy, not a girl. I didn't call you because I gave birth in early January 2002. My son lived for exactly 24 hours before he died. There is no baby for you to meet. Oh and just in case you really wanted to know... his father is also known as the 'Italian stallion' throughout the Burg. Raising his child after knowing what his father, uncles and grandfather was like would have been an uphill battle for me. I know it completely brings forth the whole 'nature vs nurture' argument. Losing my son was really a blessing in disguise (I don't really believe losing a child is a blessing). If my incubator ever stumbled across this piece of information, she would have insisted I marry that abusive bastard. Did you know she promised his mom that I would marry that vile man if I wasn't already married by age twenty-five? No? Well, I overheard the conversation the day after I was raped by him.

Why was she so desperate for me to marry him? Was she secretly in love with his father? Is the only way to have the name Morelli associated with her was for me to marry that... that... I don't even know what to call him... thing… it? I discovered some interesting information recently... when Valerie was conceived (plus or minus a few weeks) you weren't in Trenton. Public military records show you were deployed. I asked my OB a few questions when I was pregnant. Even twenty years ago, it was impossible for women to be four or five weeks late for childbirth. The longest she's ever heard was a baby being fifteen days late. Valerie couldn't have been born four or five weeks early either since she wasn't covered in that whiteish stuff. She also weighed over 10 lbs which is not likely a pre-term baby weight. If I were you, I'd be checking to see if Valerie is really your daughter, because I have serious doubts she is… compare the sample to the Italian Stallion… let me know if I'm right.

I decided to get my own paternity test. My buddy got a Trenton lab to test my blood against the sample your doctor collected a few months ago. I am your biological daughter, but that's all I am. You are the sperm donor, Helen my incubator. My parents are Ella and Luis Guzman.

Please don't write again. Stop calling my adoptive parents. I'm safe... even though you have no right to know. Each day I get stronger and happier. I need to move forward with my life. You are a painful part of my past. Give me time to heal. One day I'll be healed enough to renew our relationship... maybe, but I wouldn't hold my breath. With that being said, I want you to know I forgive you. Life is way too short and unpredictable. I'm living my life the way I feel is best for me.

Goodbye.

S'

I used the flashlight to quickly read Hector's letter. It was short and to the point. He confirmed Carlos was indeed celibate. Hector wanted me to wait for Carlos. Then he reassured me Carlos never asked him to write on his behalf. He said he loves and misses his hermana and wished me the best.

Jeanne Ellen slipped out of her bed and crawled into mine. "Stop crying Fannie," she whispered. Her arms wrapped around me.

"I'm sorry Jeanne. I had to write a difficult letter."

"I know sweetie. Take deep breaths. That's my girl." She pulled me tight against her body. I know she found me attractive, but she would never cross the line unless I gave her permission.

"Thank you Jeanne." I rolled over to kiss her cheek. She kissed my lips, testing the boundaries. I needed to have a physical connection to someone, so I kissed her back.

We tentatively touched each other's bodies. I liked how she felt under my hands. She pulled my shirt over my head to kiss my breasts. Her mouth was warm and she applied the perfect amount of pressure. Jeanne Ellen kissed down my body and removed my pants. She spread my legs and placed her mouth on me. I felt her tongue enter me before her fingers followed. Squeezing my mouth closed, I managed to muffle the moans. I felt my body shake as she curled her fingers inside me and sucked on my clit before I came on her mouth.

Jeanne Ellen gave me a tight hug and started climbing out of my bed. I pulled her back and had her lay on her back. Emulating her motions, I removed her shirt and sucked a nipple into my mouth. She felt nice and her body molded to my touch and hands. I removed her pyjama bottoms and repeated her motions on me. It wasn't enjoyable for me at all. In fact, it didn't feel right. Sex with Carlos felt right. This... I wasn't sure how to explain it. After I drew an orgasm from her, I gave her a hug and a kiss to her lips. She gave me another tight hug before returning to her bed. Quietly excusing myself, I went to the washroom to brush my teeth and wash by face. There was no way I would ever do that with her again.

I quickly packed away the open letters and sealed the one I wrote in a new addressed envelope. After I affixed the stamp, I set it on the table where someone will take it to General Palmer. Uncle Alex will ship it with the brochures and general mail bound for the Trenton recruitment office. One of the soldiers on duty will mail it.

That night I dreamed about my reunion with Carlos. I really miss him. We were only together for a few months, but he was truly the love of my life.

One of our primary rules prevents us from dating our fellow recruits or superiors. We're permitted to date someone outside the base. Jeanne Ellen started dating a waitress at the local coffee shop, but they haven't had sex yet. She was a tiny, pretty blond with silver eyes. They met during our first off base leave a few days ago. I couldn't see them lasting. The girl was too flighty for an intelligent woman like Jeanne Ellen.

Training kept my mind occupied. The weeks seemed to fly. I had been taking computer programming courses during my afternoons. My mornings were filled with training drills and exercises. I loved the toned muscles I was developing. Jeanne Ellen was looking quite badass too. We were starting to sport our own six-pack abs. She was taking computer courses as well, but she mainly tested programs I wrote with my classmates. If the program contained bugs, Jeanne Ellen would no doubt uncover them.

It's already May 29, 2003. Jeanne Ellen and I would be leaving tomorrow for our first deployment. I wanted to reach out to Carlos, but I didn't have enough time.

Our next leave isn't until after Christmas when we're scheduled to return. We'll be spending our Thanksgiving in some overseas camp as we collect intel to enter into a database. I was planning to visit Mama and Papa for a few days between Christmas and New Years day. There's a small chance I'll encounter Carlos during my visit.

Jeanne Ellen and I earned ourselves quite the reputation among our fellow recruits. They called me Wonder Woman and Jeanne Ellen Cat Woman. Together they called us Wonder Cat. It was too funny. There wasn't anything a man could do that Jeanne Ellen and I couldn't. Our speed was marginally slower than their speed, but our precision was dead on. We've been asked to train on long range weaponry... sniping using rifles, crossbows, rocket launchers just to name a few. It was intriguing, but I was really enjoying my computer courses. We had until after our first deployment to decide.

The time we spent overseas was relatively quiet. A few squadrons passed through our camp. Several soldiers flirted with me and Jeanne. We mostly ignored them. Whenever I wasn't on night watch duty, a few men would ask me to join their poker games. I had my eye on Jefferson's stash of Tasty Kakes. It's been a few years since I had one. Instead of using money, we played for snacks. I only had granola bars, Gatorade and peanut butter crackers to play. On our last round, it was me against Jefferson. I purposely played poorly so he'd underestimate my skill, claiming ignorance when I lay down a winning hand. It was a tough round, but I won all the snacks in the pool. Jefferson went all in with four of a kind. I won with a full house, aces over king. He quickly realized I was a card shark.

A few days after Christmas, Jeanne Ellen and I boarded a plane to Newark New Jersey. We were still wearing our Army fatigues. Papa was picking us up from the airport. He will drop Jeanne Ellen off on route to our home. I wanted her to visit with us, but she wisely said it would give away my location if Carlos happened to visit. She knew I wasn't willing to disclose that information yet.

My hair was hanging down my back. It was nearly to my waist now. During training and deployment, my hair was pulled into a low bun at the base of my skull. It was the only way I could style my hair and still wear my helmet. I was planning to cut my locks and donate it to a charity where they make wigs for cancer patients. Jeanne Ellen was planning to do the same.

"Your hair is longer," Mama said when she saw me. "And you get more beautiful every day."

"Thanks Mama. I missed you," I hugged her tight. This was my last visit with her until I complete my specialty training.

"Carlos is coming over for dinner tonight," she thoughtfully warned me.

"Okay. I've missed him, but Mama, I don't want him to know where I am yet. I'm not ready to tell him," I admitted. Mama followed me to my room so I could change my clothes. She grabbed them to wash immediately. I already told Papa I was wasn't ready to reveal where I've been hiding.

My body tingled before the front door opened. Our connection was stronger than ever. I was helping Mama set the table. He was as handsome as ever. I could still see the boy I fell in love with. "Querida," he said as he pulled me into his arms. "You look beautiful. I've missed you."

"I missed you too Carlos." I returned his hug. My love for him was as strong as ever. He took my hand and led me to my bedroom.

"Please, my love. Let me make love to you," he whispered as he locked my door.

"Yes, you can make love to me." I was taking birth control so I knew I couldn't get pregnant. "Are you still clean?" I had to ask.

"Babe. I have not kissed or had any form of sex with anyone since our last time together," he confessed. I let him strip me bare. He was very appreciative of my new muscular body. I noticed his was equally muscular. My body instantly reacted to him. He gently lifted me and placed me in the centre of my bed. I moaned as he kissed every inch of my body he could reach. His tongue licked my clit as he pumped his fingers into me. I came hard. It's been so long since I've had a Carlos induced orgasm.

He crawled up my body, licking, kissing and sucking along the way. I was surprised when he suddenly stopped. His fingers touched the blue teddy bear I had tattooed over my left breast, the day after my son's first anniversary of his death. Underneath the bear were the initials and numbers SLP 0103-01042002. "What was his name?"

"Stephan," I replied without providing the other names. I wasn't willing to share the other names yet. In time I would, but I just wasn't ready yet.

"I'm sorry." He kissed the teddy bear and lined himself up to push into me. I felt so full with him inside me. We stared in each other's eyes as we made love. Neither of us wanted the moment to end, but it was getting dangerously close to dinner time. Our connection was stronger than ever. I felt the pull to him as though a magnet was controlling us. "I feel the magnetic pull towards you. It's like we're destined to be together. Maybe our timing was a bit off. I love you so much Stephanie. No other woman could ever replace you in my heart. Please be my woman. Be my fiancée. I'll wait for you."

"I love you too Carlos. There is no other man for me. I will be your woman, your partner, your lover and your fiancée again. You're very important to me. Please be patient with me."

"I'm sorry for not being there for you. I'm sorry you lost your child," he said during our post-coital snuggle.

"It wasn't your fault," I whispered. "We need to get ready for dinner."

"You're right Babe." He climbed out of my bed and dressed. I used my ensuite washroom to clean myself before pulling on clean underwear and clothes. "Where have you been hiding?"

"Carlos, I'm not ready to share that information yet. I promise to tell you when I'm ready," or when I'm about to be deployed next, I answered to placate him. If he had his suspicions, he kept them to himself. Being with Carlos after not seeing him for nearly two years was bringing back memories of losing Stephan.

"You will tell me, right?" His hard look took me by surprise.

"Yes, I promise I will tell you soon. Just not today," I reiterated.

We held hands as we made our way to the dining room. He was working for the remainder of the holidays, so I wouldn't be seeing him after he leaves tonight. Our pre-dinner sex hookup will have to get us through the next few months until we see each other again. It's more like it has to get us through to the beginning of August when I have my next leave. I get to spend a week with family before I'm deployed.

Dinner was relatively quiet. It was difficult to avoid topics involving the Army. Carlos complained about his courses in college. He didn't feel it was beneficial to continue, but he wanted to finish what he started. I nearly choked on my wine when he mentioned the possibility of joining the Army for the next basic training session in May 2004. I'll be deployed to finish my specialist training when he begins basic. I wonder how long it would take for him to discover where I've been all this time.

He kissed me tenderly before leaving for the night. I went to bed thinking about my life. My dreams were filled with Carlos and our love making.

The following morning I crawled out of bed to take a cool shower. I found Jeanne Ellen waiting for me in my bedroom. She decided to visit with me after seeing her family. I shrugged my shoulders, dropped my towel and proceeded to get dressed. We've seen each other naked all the time in our barracks, so I wasn't embarrassed today.