He was floating.
Visions of his adventures flowed into him like water coursing through a river.
Having done this same song and dance an unlimited number of times, he let it pass through his mind and soul as flashes of the "past" replayed in his mind.
The transport from another world where he was "picked up" that fateful day.
Meeting the one who took his breath and heart away. His first friend and number one.
His number two, who encouraged him to stand up and be the "hero" she wanted him to be.
Defeating the Great Calamity and putting an end to the Archbishop of Sloth's reign of terror.
His declaration of love for the half-elf on that fateful day.
The brother who cleared his jumbled mind and helped him overcome the impossible trials he faced at the Sanctuary.
The fight he had with the love of his life for being a pain in the ass of a woman, culminating in their "first kiss".
The other brother, who he had to beat up to make him see what an idiot he was for being sulking and afraid of the past.
Blood and burns covered his hand when he begged the little girl to take his hand and choose him.
His celebration and oath to protect his liege and "beloved".
The tearful promise he made to her to value himself more and save her, no matter what, as he grasped his hand gently and with kind yet determined eyes gazing at her.
Indeed, he was filled with pride and joy as he remembered these wonderful times.
...
...
...
But…
The other side of the spectrum shows up and shows its fangs.
The countless deaths, pain, and sufferings he experienced.
Being gutted. Twice. Stabbed at the back.
Died a 'peaceful' death in his sleep. Smashed into bloody pieces after being attacked.
'Mercifully' ended after countless hours of torture. With a smile on his face, he jumped at the jagged cliff.
Getting mauled by mabeasts left and right.
A one-sided beating. Being left behind. Attempted to be brainwashed. Being frozen alive while seeing countless dead bodies all around him. Seeing his second love twisted in different directions and having his head cut off at the snowy plains. Looking at the White Whale in the eye and losing her again to the rest of the world. Cradling his first love after 'crushing' her heart and being berated by his "father" as you slowly lose body heat, being frozen a third time. Possessed by a madman which culminated in his execution.
The second time he committed suicide. Being gutted again. Twice. Millions of white rabbits slowly and excruciatingly ate him alive, piece by piece. In order to be freed from Envy, he committed suicide a third time. A second round with the rabbits.
Even now, he can still hear the noises those little bastards made.
...
...
...
Crush.
Crunch.
Munch.
Squish.
Chomp.
Nibble.
Guzzle.
Slurp.
Gobble.
...
...
...
Scratch.
Scratch.
Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.
Scratch…
Scratch…
...scratch...
...
...
...
"WHY WON'T THESE VOICES STOP?!"
In convulsions, he waved his arms and legs madly, spit bubbled up from his mouth, and his body twitched violently in all directions.
As his mind and senses reached overdrive, he was hit by a new set of 'memories':
Being accused of being an archbishop by his own contracted spirit.
Him, desperately begging and running away, asking for help.
Being caught and imprisoned.
The look in Felix and Julius' eyes.
Constant torture, beatings, begging, crying, and screaming.
The day he was hanged.
...
...
…
Wait…
When did this happen?!
Did…
Have I experienced this before?
Did...did my friends abandon and kill me?
...
...
…
Why?
Why?
Why?
Seeing those visions and memories circulate in his memory and replay over and over, the nasty-eyed boy felt as if he was choking up, and the pain made him scratch any part of his body. He pleaded to every divine being in the universe to stop this nightmare and release him.
But fate smiled at him and gave him another set of "memories":
Ram's vengeful eyes glared at him with contempt once again, and the insatiable thirst for killing was apparent.
In tears, Beatrice apologized for her mistakes.
THEM KNOWING HIS DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
ENVY RAMPAGING, KILLING EVERYONE THAT HE HOLDS DEAR
Them fighting over knowing Return by Death
Emilia looked at him with contempt, sorrow, and despair, labelling him a 'liar'.
…
...
…
Him leaving everything behind with tears and a broken heart.
…
…
…
Please…
Please...
Stop…
Stop...
STOP!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
As the blood curdling scream fills the room, it breaks the tension between the residents.
Everyone snapped their heads around and shifted their gazes to the source of the noise. There was no way for them to comprehend what was happening.
Subaru jumped out of his seat sweating profusely and was shaken up. He was breathing heavily and his right arm was held in one hand as tears continuously fell from his cheeks. He wobbled a few times and almost fell down at some points. Even though he was in pain and confused, he rode the turbulent headache and looked around.
As he surveyed his surroundings, questions began to pop into his head - where was he? Where were the others? And why was there a screen? Slowly he turned around and met their eyes-wait, weren't we supposed to be at the carriage? What is this theater for? Why do they look horrified and shocked?
Was it something they watched?
A sharp pain akin to lightning zapped into his brain as soon as he gazed at Felix's and Julius's hollow expressions.
As his headaches got worse and worse, flashbacks of his nightmare reappeared once more…
Beatrice accused him as the Sin Archbishop of Pride...
Felix demanded him to answer on how to cure Crusch…
Julius and Felix beating him up senselessly, with the former using his brute force while the latter either manipulating his blood and other fluids or healing him, just to repeat the torture process…
The image of his body swaying at the gallows…
No…
...no way…
... did they just…
Though most of them wanted to run up to him, call his name, and embrace him, the black-haired's response both confused and terrified them:
"No...no, no, no, NO! NO, get away from me!" he mumbled as he slowly backed away from them.
"Subaru?" Emilia cried as she was terrified by the current situation her knight was in.
"I'm not...I'm not... I'm not Pride! Get away from me!" Subaru shouted as he frantically bolted out of the theater, running away from them. "There is no way this is true." Subaru thought. They now know. His secret is out. They know what he promised Satella. He will certainly be arrested and killed.
As they were initially stunned and confused at the current situation, some of them shook their surprised expressions and followed the black-haired boy. Julius, Wilhelm, and Garfiel sprinted ahead until Reinhard and Felt caught up to them. The group pursued Subaru until they finally grabbed him from every angle.
Subaru desperately struggled against them. No. Not again. "I'll be tortured, beaten up and die." he frantically thought as he struggles to break free. Because of his agitated state and some of them grabbed him too tight, some of his wounds on his arms started to open up again. He screamed and pleaded to the royal knights, scared that what he dreamed would become a horrifying reality.
"PLEASE, LET ME GO! PLEASE! LET ME GO! I'M NOT AN ENEMY! SO PLEASE! DON'T KILL ME, JULIUS! WILHELM, REINHARD, PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU, DON'T KILL ME!" He continued wailing and pleading at them, his heart racing and his breathing hitched as it overlapped with his cries and gasps of air.
They were shocked and terrified by what they had heard. Such implications cannot be by chance. Did he...did he experience anything of what they have seen just moments ago?!
Julius was shaken by this thought that unconsciously and unintentionally, he tightened his grip on Subaru's arm. The nasty-eyed knight winced at this action but when he traced the source of the pain in his arm, his eyes dilated and amplified his screaming. Subaru was terrified; violently shaking and desperately trying to yank off his limbs from the knights. However, this caused a lot of unnecessary bruises and reopened wounds.
"Damn it! If this continues, we'll be hurting him more and more. FELIX! Come quickly." Wilhelm shouted at the corridor, ordering the healer and the others to come quickly to help calm and ease Subaru.
"NOOOOOO! PLEASE! DON'T KILL ME! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I DON'T WANT TO SUFFER!" PLEASE DON'T LET FELIX GET NEAR MEEEEEEE!"
The screams of the black-haired knight echo through the corridors. Subaru's screams and wailing reached the other cast members, sending shivers down their spines even if they hadn't yet arrived at the spot where the knight attempted to subdue him. When the healer heard his name laced with fear and terror he shuddered. No. That can't be...
I tortured someone using my magic…
I did... kill...someone...
I killed...Subaru…
As a result, Lugunica's greatest healer's mind broke.
"No...no...no...no... NO!"
"I really did it. . . I..really...killed...Subaru.."
*SMACK*
"FELIX, I order you to compose yourself! Keep it together! Now's not the time to lose yourself, we have to save Subaru!" Crusch shouted with tears in her eyes as she momentarily stopped and slapped some sense at her knight — and continued to follow the remaining people to reach their destination.
The demi-human was baffled and for a few moments a bit dizzy at how strong his master's strength was in hitting initial shock overcame him —as for a moment he was in a daze. With guilt consuming him within, he urged himself to continue chasing the knight."They never call her Valkyrie for nothing, I guess."he mumbled as his fear, guilt, and despair amplifies with each succeeding step.
"PLEASE, I BEG YOU, DON'T KILL ME..."
"SUBARU!"
Subaru heard a series of voices calling his name, prompting him to look at what was in front of him. As much as he heard his name, due to his frantic and paranoid state, his mind was still clouded by his nightmares, making it impossible for him to comprehend what was really going on.
Imagine the Great Spirit and Half-elf's surprise when they saw his expression at them. In Subaru's mind and heart, he was filled with mixed emotions as he looked at them:
Shock.
Fear.
Dread.
Sadness.
Betrayal.
No…
No…
NO!
As the knight's heart pounded so rapidly that he could hear his heartbeat, it was too much for him to cope with. The loss of blood from the unintentional gripping of his arms to keep him from escaping, along with his exhaustion from running, began to take their toll on his body.
Hyperventilating, he occasionally choked from his forced breathing until dizziness and darkness enveloped his mind, fainting once again…
Emilia and Beatrice cannot forget the last gaze Subaru gave them; a pleading look that was laced with sadness and fear. It was as if it cried to them:
"Why? Why did you forget about me?"
As the others finally slowly approached, the Librarian fell down on her knees, crying and bowed down to the floor while Emilia tries to hold her ground, forcing her wobbly knees to stop shaking and in a fruitless effort to fight the tears to fall, despite her heart breaking as many times she could count, she vowed to herself:
"I have to be strong for Subaru. I have to be THE ONE that will save him."
As they arrived, questions were bombarded at the royal knights and Wilhelm; a mix of concern and hostility.
"What happened to Subaru?!"
"Is he okay?!"
"Why is he soaked with blood?"
"Did you hurt him?!"
"Why has he passed out again?!"
" Did you do something about this?!"
"Did you hurt him?!"
...
...
...
"MOVE! Let me heal his wounds!" Felix screamed as he pushed some people away to make a path towards the passed out knight. "I'll save him, this time for sure." his agitated mind echoed his sentiments—as he desperately tries to drown his self-loathing thoughts. As he was about to touch Subaru, a hand gripped his arm, squeezing it tightly to make her point come across. Rem looked at the healer with a deathly glare and her horn slightly protruding.
"As much as I want to heal Subaru-kun by myself, I'm aware with my limitations with healing magic..."
"But..."
"If you so much as try to make him suffer or make his blood come out of his pores, I will crush your bones slowly and skin you alive."
The blue-haired oni seethed at Felix while Otto and Garfiel tried to hold her shoulders to back off. As much as both of them wanted her to do what she implied, now's not the time to be blindsided as their own brother is bleeding out.
"Rem-san, PLEASE! Now's not the time for this, let my knight heal Subaru!" the Valkyrie ordered while tearing up seeing the man who had taken her heart —unintentionally— in a bloody mess. The blue oni immediately let go of her grip but didn't falter her hateful glare at Felix. The healer proceeds to cast healing magic—under the meticulous supervision of the Emilia camp.
Moments later, the wounds of the black-haired knight were fully closed and the bleeding stopped. Julius, Wilhelm, Reinhard slowly let go of their grasps and looked at the once-again sleeping knight with remorse. Now that scenario has passed, the discussions could finally start.
"What the hell happened to him? As soon as he woke up, he started screaming, as if he saw a ghost or something?" Anastasia looked around at everyone; some were horrified by the blood stains from Wilhelm and the Royal knights, while some tried to comfort Emilia.
"It would have seemed that the boy saw the same things we saw at this "theater". Priscilla mused as she started to analyze the situation, slowly deducing and piecing out some ideas and hypotheses in her mind. "This may be a problem, the boy may assume that he lived those lives." she internalized while playing with her fan.
"That's impossible. He was asleep during all the viewing. Unless..." Slowly, Julius grew whither as the possibility grew more to his mind. "No, no, no. Please, for the love of the Great Dragon, please, It cannot be..."
"...Betty's Subaru may have lived that hellish experience after all, in fact." Beatrice slowly mumbled through her sobs. Her sanity as well as her heart slowly fell apart from thinking such reality. "Useless, in fact."
Subaru put up with her mean demeanor from the beginning and accepted her with all his heart. In order to save her from the loneliness of the Forbidden Library and the shackles of her own 'promise' he died many times. All of that and she throws him away like trash, not only breaking his heart, but also sending him to his demise. Like Emilia, as much as she wants to shower Julius and Felix with Minya crystals, she knows that she has her fair share of the blame as well.
"No...that couldn't be...Subaru couldn't..." Emilia desperately tries to formulate her words through her incoherent sobbing. As much as she wants to deny with all her soul, the look on Subaru's face before he fainted proved otherwise. "If he does go through all of the things we saw, does that mean his last memory of me was..."
"As much as I want to continue this discussion, I humbly suggest that we should adjourn and place Subaru-dono somewhere 'clean' and comfortable while we let ourselves clear out our thoughts." the old butler suggested as he felt so disgusted with himself. The trauma of being covered with the blood of his allies was not a fun experience for him. Especially to someone that he cherished as well. "This is like the time when Theresia..."
"I agree with Grandfather." Reinhard continued while wincing and snapping Wilhelm from his despairing thoughts while trying to calm his own self-deprecating thoughts as well. "We should place him in one of the rooms so that he can lay down and fully relax."
"We can ask our questions as soon as he wakes up. By then, we shouldn't overwhelm him." Frederica concluded while consoling the teary-eyed little maid by her side. As much as she wanted to hug all of her pain and anxieties away, she knows that Petra will not be the same after seeing everything that they have seen.
As the majority of the cast agrees to this decision, another query pops up: who's room will they lay the nasty-eyed boy's body?
Don't get them wrong, while it was obvious that the Emilia camp wouldn't allow any of them to have and take him away and it was somewhat true that most of them wanted to have him —on his own volition—. Seeing what happened earlier plus the assumption that Suabru many had lived those terrifying lives, they carefully think of a way not to agitate him again and make him relax and calm enough to hold a conversation
Although I hate to admit it, it comes down to either Felt-sama or Priscilla-sama." the green merchant exhaled as his brain began to eliminate all possible candidates to lay his brother's 'bloody' and sleeping face.
"I WON'T ALLOW IT!" the half-elf immediately snapped back, feeling betrayed by this.
"As much as I really, REALLY, want to disagree with him, think about it, Emilia-sama. What would happen if he saw someone that could trigger his trauma?" Crusch lamented as she understood where Otto was thinking, as much it frustrates her.
"For once in your Oddamn life, use your head first before shouting. No wonder Natsuki-kun has to carry your camp on his back. Such a waste of a candidate spot." irritated, Anastasia wasted no time insulting the rival candidate. Emilia is cut off before she can reply to her own retort.
"We already know that you won't let us take him and want him to stay in your room. You can shut your trap on that."
"As much as that's logical, you don't take into account what he would feel when the first ones he saw were the ones that accused him as a sin archbishop, a LIAR, and basically anyone that killed, murdered, or forced him to leave. Considering you all are incompetent to begin with."
"That of course, if we follow the assumption that Natsuki-kun really did experience and die in those 'futures'".
Crusch-san may be in alliance with your camp, but because of Felix and his 'fun interrogation sessions' with Subaru, her camp is out of the question.
"Same as my camp. I'm not self-absorbed like YOU in not seeing my knight has his faults that need amending. So you can just stop whining about that Emilia."
"With that in mind, I suggest that Subaru Natsuki's sleeping body should be laid in Priscilla's room. AND BEFORE YOU START YELLING AND THROW ANOTHER TANTRUM, HEAR ME OUT! It's true that her demeanor is that of sewage, and her personality urges me to slap her some sense, but of all of us here, she's the only level-headed person here with most of us are high on our emotions."
"She's the only one that didn't overreact to all of this. So, as much as it irks me to admit it, she's smarter than all of us at the moment and she's the only viable choice."
Anastasia pointed out everything—while taking opportunities to jab at Emilia, which infuriates her to no end at her own naivety and stupidity— and deduced a logical explanation for the others. Some begrudgingly agreed to her while some were still stunned and amazed that the opportunist didn't use any underhand tactics to lure Subaru to her.
However, the red-eyed blond candidate cries her displeasure to the lavender-haired merchant.
"Why did you just leave me out and not consider my camp?! Reinhard and I didn't hurt Big Bro! Also, do you think we'll allow that bitch to have him rest with all she did to him?!"
"Well, it's true that you and the Sword Saint didn't add to the boy's suffering. But you may not notice your knight's… odd behaviour lately."
"What do you mean?"
"That commoner implies that your knight is unhinged, maybe less the same—in a sense with that boy. One wrong move, and we'll have a senseless and emotional monster rampaging with little to nothing to defend ourselves."
All were shocked at Priscilla's statement and looked towards the red-haired knight. It was evident that he too was not feeling well, as his eyes were dilated and his breathing irregular.
Then again, can you blame them despite everything that they've seen all this time?
"Let's stop this useless babble and let a goddess such as mineself start her 'charitable' work for you, hopeless commoners."
"You there, maid and butler. Take the boy to my abode. You commoners, as well as the gutter rat, accompany me. Be grateful that I selected you plebeians to entertain the boy and help him wake up."
"Jester, entertain the others and make sure none of them will try to kill each other again."
"Yes, princess." The one-armed knight bowed as Priscilla ordered Frederica and Wilhelm to carry the said sleeping visage, as well asked Otto, Petra, Anastasia, and Felt to join them as well.
As those not included were about to voice their own resentment, someone finally joined in and mediated the situation.
"As if I'll agree to any of this! Captain's ours! He should be with us and his lady!" Garfiel growled as he stared at the baroness with contempt. However, the said princess just massaged her temples and sighed at the threat. At this point, she wished her Yang sword could manifest itself and she could "slap" the disrespectful demi-human with some common sense.
"Garf, now's not the time to snap out. I know you're concerned about them taking or absorbing Suabru to their camp. We'll discuss it later as soon as everything settles down. Besides, Frederica, Petra, and I are right with them and we'll not let them happen." Otto pressures as he tries to calm Frederica down —who was infuriated by her brother's shameless act of disrespect to royalty.
Slowly, he understands why the Sun Goddess chose these particular sets of people instead of just all of them.
"Aldebran, stand down. Thy jester is oozing with bloodlust. As much as mineself desires thy fool to be incinerated where he stands, time's of the essence." Priscilla orders her knight — who was so close to slamming the golden tiger to the floor and continued "Mineself is not petty enough to use such cheap tricks to bewitch the boy to be mine akin to the half-wit, but if you all wish to save him, mineself suggest to shut thy trap and bow."
"Thy sooner mineself and the others patch him up, thy sooner we can start our assessment."
"Priscilla-sama has a point. I suggest we comply for now to let Subaru-kun relax." Roswaal agreed as he observed from behind — as most of them are a bit of shock on how serious his tone was. "Emilia-sama, we should discuss what we'll talk to him once he wakes up."
"I know, but I want to be there when he wakes up." she tiredly sighs. Must she always be away from HER knight and do nothing in this situation? She sulks as most of them slowly move away to let Frederica and the others pass through and proceed towards the Sun princess's room. As they were about to turn a corner, Priscilla stopped and without looking at the remaining others "a penny for their thoughts".
"Unless you're decent enough to hold and control your own emotions, mineself will not allow any of you to enter. If you can't even think straight and start making a mess at my abode, then you're never going to see him when he wakes up from his slumber."
"If the boy's mental state is in shambles, then all your wishes and desire to aid him will be for naught."
And with that, Priscilla Barielle takes her leave.
…
...
...
Despite the parting words, Rem slowly followed them, prompting the Royal Knights to restrain him.
"Woah, calm down maid. Princess won't be so kind to those who disobey her." Al raised his hand and blocked the corridor. He can remember how many times he had to experience being killed by Priscilla when he tried to persuade her in doing something else—culminating in him resigning and preparing himself for the upcoming trouble, or using his "loops" to gather bits of information to get the Sun Princess to agree.
"If what the warden said earlier was true, then..." his thoughts snapped back to reality while Rem yelled at him.
"NO! Please let me go. I really want to be with my hero when he wakes up! Let me be by his side...
…
...
...
"...how dare you...if you think you're the ONLY one...that's entitled on that, I suppose?"
All eyes were slowly focused on the sobbing Great Spirit as she glared at the blue-haired oni.
"He's Betty's Subaru! He's my foolish, hopeless, yet beloved contractor! You don't know what pain and suffering he has gone through! What inner demons he had to fight within while keeping a smile on his face! What nightmares he had to endure and wails of despair I have to comfort as his sanity slowly withers away."
"And what makes you think you're special to even have the audacity to demand such? Lest you forget maid that we saw how you tortured Betty's Subaru for hours, in fact."
"He may have forgiven you and you may have even helped him initially get back up from his self-loathing, but don't you think that Betty will forgive you, in fact.
Beatrice continued her tirade —glaring at the blue-haired maid with contempt—causing Rem to shake like a leaf, as her regrets and tears threaten to fill her once again...
"If it wasn't for his love for you, that half-elf and everyone else, Betty would have crystallized each and every one of you, I suppose."
"Useless, in fact." Beatrice ends as she looks down and loathes herself for not doing anything from the start. Even though she didn't know what was the cause of her contractor's "nightly episodes." She should have insisted — or rather begged - to ask and shoulder his burdens and stopped him when his urge to cut himself overcame him.
"Beatrice..."
All looked at the proud Great Spirit of the Forbidden Library with sadness and understanding—how long was it when they experienced happiness and a sense of catharsis ever since they arrived at this wretched place? Although they despised this theatre, it led them to discovering many mysterious enigmas such as Natsuki Subaru.
Though it nearly broke some (maybe all?) of them from the hellish conditions and unfair ramifications the poor soul had to endure, it also unravels his heroic efforts and sacrifices to both his loved ones and his friends.
As they all desired to make up or even be with the said knight, the succeeding viewings grew doubt in their hearts.
What if they already failed from the start?
What if Subaru just kept quiet and just carried this burden with him, loathing himself for not preventing and saving them?
What if it only amplified his self-harming tendencies even further?
What if he decided to just give up on them, not wanting to be a part of this vicious cycle of suffering in which his own allies are the ones inflicting on him?
What if he truly desires to leave them?
Emilia dreaded the thought of Subaru giving up on them— and the horrified and betrayed facade he gave them increased that thought. Make no mistake, she —as well as all of them— won't blame him if that would be the case, but it still breaks her heart on the possibility of her dunderhead of a knight — her warm, kind, and awesome knight— that took her hand from the lifeless abyss and showed her a bright and colorful world, would simply realize that they weren't worth the hassle and decides to save his life instead.
The situation was quite difficult. Emilia didn't want Subaru to suffer and lose his sense of worth in his life. As selfish and disgusted of her to even think about it— she yearns for his warm affection and bright light that it was so hard for her to let go of it. It was soothing and somewhat addicting.
But fate had other plans for them. To have the peace he so desired, he had to leave them and have nothing to do with them. He had to run away from them and not look back. He had to cut all ties and save his own life. He had to never turn back and prevent any contact with them.
As much as the viewers have already spelled it out loud and clear to them that her camp is the greatest factor in turning Subaru Natsuki's life into a living hell and that they had taken his efforts for granted…
She really, really doesn't want Subaru to leave her.
As the silver-haired Royal Candidate was wallowing in her thoughts, someone wrapped her in their arms and gave a tight hug to her. Though initially shocked as it came out of nowhere, the soothing effect of that hug warms her up and lets her dam to be released—crying her heart out for the umpteenth time.
Crusch tries to comfort the half-elf as she desperately tries to compose herself as well. The duchess was also heartbroken at the state of the poor boy that she feared that it was too late to repay him for all the amazing feats he had done for not only for his camp and hers but to all of them.
She hoped for once that she's wrong and they can still have a chance to protect, save, makeup and prove to Subaru that they love him and will be on his side.
Emilia clenched on the duchess uniform as she let out her remorse and regret to her. Her heart cannot take the pain her knight endured just to save everyone present— just to end on giving it all up just because they were so persistent to know his suffering and let him spill his curse.
She didn't want Subaru to leave her…
She didn't want him to leave him…
Her heart cannot take it…
Mother Fortuna…
Juice…
Subaru...
Please don't leave me…
Meanwhile, the others accompanying the Sun goddess arrived at her room and placed the 'sleeping' visage in her queen-sized bed. As instructed by the baroness, Frederica and Petra cleaned and treated Suabru's wounds and tidied him up while Anastasia, Felt, Wilhelm, and Otto discussed how to approach the black-haired knight without him losing his own mind.
As they removed his jacket and shirt, his scars and freshly cut wounds on both arms were visibly presented to everyone, earning wincing and pitied looks on the poor boy's condition.
Petra slipped a few tears as she slowly started to disinfect and clean one arm while Frederica did the other. She cannot believe what has become of her hero— the nightmares from all of his deaths and the betrayal he has felt to all of his friends. As much as from all that she had seen, the chestnut-haired maid was still a child. Like most of them, she was devastated at her crush/hero's broken state that she truly wishes that she was capable enough to whisk him away from all the scheming candidates and his so-called 'friends'.
The village girl wanted Subaru to live his life out and see how much of a wonderful individual he truly is.
And be away from all of the pain and suffering.
As the maids are busy doing their assigned tasks, the remaining representatives discuss with one another how to interact with the black-haired knight.
After what seems to be a fierce discussion— with Anastasia and Felt furiously state their points and at times slanders Emilia's incompetence and her camp together with Felix's "tendencies" while Otto and Wilhelm try to defend their respective camps and point out their deficiencies as well— being that of Julius and Reinhard's fragile mentality.
Finally, it led to a compromise formulated by Priscilla —who was both amused by the chaos but also slightly irritated and desperately holding the urge to burn all of this—even the damn theatre itself— to cinders. In a surprising turn of events, she'll be asking for assistance from all the other royal candidates.
Now to tell the other emotionally fueled fools to have the decency to have a sane and clear head.
With the plan being set, Priscilla called the maids—who almost finished with changing Subaru's shirt— and with that, all of them left the room to discuss the others on how to confront the nasty eyed boy.
Half an hour later…
"Mmmm…"
As he adjusted the brightness of his surroundings, his eyes fluttered. Damn, his eyes hurt at the sharpness of the light. He blinked a few times until slowly he opened his hazel brown eyes.
"Aahhh…"
His body felt so numb and painful—it was as if he got hit by a truck or something. He felt so heavy that he might as well be magnetized with the bed. Each movement was more burdensome at every moment. He can feel his arms being restricted with something, thinking that some bindings are wrapped around them. Why does it feel like every inch of his body hurts? Why does he feel so fatigued and sore?
Cough, cough, cough.
Subaru's dry throat cries out for moisture as he gasps for air. Why does everything hurt so much now? His wheezing cough continued—as it mildly shook his aching body— until it made him jolt up; his head off-balanced from the dizziness and nausea.
"Uuuugh..." he grunted in pain as he massaged his temples with both of his hands. Seriously, why does everything so painful and heavy?!
"What the hell happened?"
…
...
...
"It seems you've finally awakened from your slumber, Subaru Natsuki."
Subaru immediately raised his head to the owner of the voice— and regretfully so as his dizziness hadn't settled down yet and the stiffness of his neck sent a slight jolt to his already pulsating headache. He winces and tries to focus his gaze and was surprised at what he was looking at: Priscilla was gazing at him intently—her fan covering half of her face but Subaru can see traces of the outline of her chin. Anastasia was beside her with a small yet tired smile on her face as the merchant queen slowly rubs her scarf to ease her inner tension. She gazed at the black haired knight with pity and a tinge of frustration.
Felt was on the other side of the baroness and Subaru was surprised that the ex-thief had bags under her crimson eyes— as if she was crying for long periods.
"Subaru..."
A voice like silver bells entered his ears. But something was off. Why does she sound in so much pain? He felt that someone was holding his right hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
Subaru slowly turns to look into her amethyst eyes. His first reaction to seeing her was to be overjoyed. He loves her dearly. His worries and anxiety began to build up as soon as he saw Emilia.
Why?
Emilia's facade was a mess. Like Felt, her eyes were swollen and dried traces of tears are still apparent on her cheeks. From the looks of it, she's completely distressed and anxious about something - it breaks him seeing her this way.
"Emilia? What's goi...!?"
Subaru tries to ask the half-elf what happened to them when he noticed his right arm.
Why is it completely wrapped with bandages?
When did he change his attire?
Why does every one of them look depressed, pitiful, anxious and a bit disappointed?
Why do Felt and Emilia look full of remorse?
Subaru looked to his left and saw Crusch staring back at him. The duchess' expressions were the same as the others: guilt, remorse, pity, and sadness. As he looked at his other arm, he noticed the same condition.
…
…
…
Wait...
Why are his arms exposed!?
Why are they looking at him with guilt, despair and pity?
Did...did...did…
...did they see them!?...
...no…
No..no…
NONONONONONONONO!
...
...
...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Suddenly, Subaru felt like the world was spinning. The sense of dread and fear filled his being as he trembled. As his heart raced and his breathing hitched, he was feeling pain, despair, betrayal, and anger, all switching through his mind like channels on the television.
Why?
Why?
WHY!
WHY DID BEATRICE TELL THEM ABOUT HIS "SECRET"!?
SHE PROMISED, DIDN'T SHE!?
THEN WHY?
"Why did she tattled this to everyone!? She promised me, didn't she!?"
He yelled in anger and frustration as he felt so betrayed that Beatrice told them of his wounds. "I have to redo so that this will all fade away." His twisted logic turns the gears in his mind as he tries to find a way to restart.
As the boy's emotions are in turmoil, 'hurt' was an understatement. He didn't want this part of him to be exposed and he, begrudgingly, only told Beako his "nightly excursions" because he thought that he could trust her on being silent about it. But now, his heart broke into a million pieces—similar to his trust in his contracted spirit. Fury, despair, and betrayal swirled within him as he struggled to breathe properly as tears started to form and fall through his eyes.
The shaking visage of the nasty-eyed knight was apparent to the royal candidates. As much as they don't want to agitate the nasty-eyed knight, they really wanted to ease his inner tension and encourage him that they are here for him. But seeing him holding his head with his hands while slowly hyperventilating, the last thing they want is him hurting either them or himself.
As his vision started to blur— from his tears, nausea, and his thoughts running through his mind— a series of scenes flashed back to him again.
Wait…
Were these my nightmares before?
Then why...
Wha...!
Don't tell me…
The nightmares weren't just dreams, were they?
…
...
..no…
..please God…
His anxiety and paranoia reached new levels as these mysterious visions made him even less inclined to trust them in the first place.
Why does this always happen to him!?
Why can't he for once be happy with his life and live a simple and normal life!?
Why does everyone want to make him suffer, torture, and die!?
What did he do to them to deserve this cruel fate?
Is his life that worthless? Useless? Insignificant?
Is even saving them all really worth it now?
When in the end they'll stab him in the back and leave him to rot?
Why?
...why?...
WHY!
Why must he be the only one, THE ONLY ONE, who needs to suffer and die, again and again, and again and again and...
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
His blood curdling scream shocked all of them the second time. Emilia covered her ears as her tears started to fall again while Felt stumbled back from fear and shock.
While this was happening, Crusch and Anastasia immediately tried to restrain Subaru again as he tried to get out of the bed and run away.
"LET ME GO! LET ME GO!" His screams echoed throughout the room as Anastasia and Crusch desperately tried to hold on with tears streaming down through their eyes.
"It seems that he has the same knowledge as all of us. The main question is whether or not he has experienced it or not." Priscilla mused as she analyzed the situation while not dirtying her hands. "If he does, then..."
"SUBARU!"
Different iterations of his name were called as the others barged in through the baroness' room as they heard his wails.
As they watched their friend/captain/love interest be distraught and afraid, they broke their hearts for the umpteenth time. Otto, Rem, Garfiel, and Wilhelm tried to restrain him while Frederica and Ricardo consoled the little maid and the twins-who were crying as if they felt his pain.
Beatrice could only kneel and cover herself as she cried with the little ones. Why was she a useless spirit, in fact? Why can't she save the one that took her out of self-isolation and take great care of him!? Why must she always fail, in fact!?
Julius, Ram, and Felix froze from the doorframe as their guilt once again splashed their soul.
From the looks of things, then one thing is true: they did hurt and kill their ally/friend.
Subjected to harsh, cruel and unfair torture and pain, they tarnished a pure innocent soul and rendered it to a broken fragmented shell of its former self. The one that only wanted them to live and have a happy life, they repaid it with their own blood.
As the trio was busy with their self-loathing, Reinhard mindlessly helped his lady to stand. The screams of agony of Subaru echoed throughout his soul as it reminded him of yet another sin of his:
Why can't he be a HERO for once, Oddamnit!?
What's the use of being a Sword Saint if he can't save even one life!?
Why!?
Why was he so slothful!?
Was his grandmother's demise in vain as he cannot fulfil his own role in this world!?
A broken smile etched to his face as tears fell through Reinheard's cheeks.
And his broken and empty eyes complemented his overall state.
The Sword Saint finally broke. Cracked. Unhinged.
...
...
...
Al and Roswall watched the others from behind the scenes. The former was both fuelled with rage and sadness for his brother-from-another world as he pitied his countryman for being subjected to this harsh and confusing situation. He truly wished that his bro could finally have the peace he so desperately desired.
The latter looked at the scene with overwhelming guilt as 400 years worth of sins crawled over his back. To see someone broken and not desperately wishing to die really put the nail to the coffin of his guilt and despair.
The price of his crimes was not paid by him but by someone else—someone that wasn't even part of their world. Seeing a pure innocent soul reduced to fragments of insanity and remorse was truly too much for Roswaal.
The thought of him getting beat up, tortured, and killed by the Royal Knights once they returned to their world can't even compare to the suffering and pain Subaru is feeling. "Truly, the fool was me all along. You are stronger than I, Subaru-kun. To carry everything and not leave one behind..." he muttered as a tired sigh escaped through his mouth before continuing "...but at what cost? To be either killed or left behind? What a demented twist..."
As Subaru was struggling with most of them holding him down, a desperate and crazy idea popped up in his head. "If they won't leave me and let me go, then I'll have to..."
"!"
...
...
...
Slowly, Subaru stopped resisting, which concerns most of them. As questions started to bubble up within them, it was replaced with alarm bells when they saw a thin line of red dripping from his lips.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Emilia screamed as she finally realized what her knight was doing. It was the same thing he did at the witches' tea party…
Subaru forcefully swallowed his bitten tongue to prevent it from being healed back. If he'll not die from the blood loss, then suffocation from the blood build-up and clogged throat would do the trick.
As the information finally sank into them, the room erupted into full chaos and disorder.
As if in slow motion, everyone frantically called Felix to come and rescue him but the said healer was still shell-shocked and downtrodden that he even didn't realize what was happening. Those who were restraining him were trying to expel the clogged tongue to no avail. Those who were close to the black haired knight screamed in despair and agony as they cried their hearts out, feeling useless, betrayed, and horrified to finally see him die in front of them.
Despite all the carnage and cacophony of noises, Subaru's consciousness slowly fades away—signalling that his time in this "loop" is coming to a close.
"Well at least, it beats being tortured to hell. I hope the save pointis farther from all of this. They shouldn't know all of these. I really should contemplate whether to run away again or not..." his thoughts echoed as his eyes dimmed into nothingness.
...
...
...
He was floating. Again.
The endless black void surrounding him, deafening him and numbing him by each passing second. It was as if he slowly dragged down to a bottomless ocean.
He tried to scream with all of his might but nothing came out of his mouth. If he had one.
Emptiness...
Despite dying a slow and gruesome death, the pain could not exceed the incomprehensible numbness of that after dying.
A weird and draining conundrum, really…
The feeling of drowning —gasping for air and clinging to something to hold on to in order to arise from this suffocating situation.
But at the same time, he can't feel the sensation of drowning. Or any type of pain and emotion.
Anger, sadness, guilt, betrayal, and fatigue…
It was as if it was erased within him completely…
Together with his physical body…
A floating consciousness…
An unnatural phenomena that slowly gnaws his soul and sanity...
...
...
...
...please...let..me...die..
...
...
...
As if being played fast-forwarded, his senses and emotions immediately slammed into him as he found himself jolting back at the room again.
Gasping for air, Subaru's breathing was laboured and forced as he desperately tried to breathe properly and relax. He clenched above his heart as the imaginary pain started to wrap itself within. His ears were ringing and nausea and dizziness started to take effect on him.
Before he could adjust and assess what—or rather where—his checkpoint is this time, he was mobbed with arms as each of them either clung onto him, held on to each of his limbs, or hugged his body…
"NO, PLEASE SUBARU...DON'T DO IT!"
"Please, stop! Please listen to us, Subaru! We don't mean any harm! Please give us a chance to explain what's going on!" Emilia wailed as each word was harder to voice out as her sobs blocked and delayed her intended message.
"Please Subaru! Give Betty a chance to redeem herself!" the drilled haired Great Spirit sobbed as she hugged him tighter, afraid that he'd fade away…
"Please Subaru-kun, please give us a chance! Let your Rem save you this time!" the blue oni pleaded despite the overwhelming scent of the witch's miasma clogging her nasal pathways, making her want to gag.
By then, each and every one of them voiced their pleas to Subaru to give them a chance to explain and— in a way—redeem themselves. From the crying mess of Petra, Mimi, Felt, and Crusch, to the shaky voices of Otto, Frederica, Ram, and Tivey, to the empty and desperate cries of the Royal Knights, Wilhelm, and Ricardo.
Confusion, shock, and a sense of anticipation surged within his mind as he somewhat had an idea of what caused this display of despair.
"Even when I Returned by Death, I'm still stuck in this situation, am I?" he mumbled to himself—unaware that particularly everyone heard him, prompting them to further cry their hearts out and fill them with despair and guilt even more.
A loud snap broke the depressing atmosphere as Priscilla closed her fan and gave a tired sigh. This will be a tremendous, complex, and difficult task. But a goddess such as herself is only fitting to accomplish this role.
"You may be confused, disturbed, frantic, and scared, Natsuki Subaru. Especially when all of these mongrels throw themselves onto you like loose women. To ease this confusing situation, let mineself explain everything..."
...as so, the story begins again...
Author's Note: And I'm done! First, I want to thank my beta readers: Ewent and James Sider. They endured my hellish draft —with the numerous grammatical errors and spellings—and polished it. Sorry again for the multiple aneurysms I've caused to both of you guys. Also, please check their works as well, as they are both talented writers with amazing works—so please read their works as well.
The next chapter would probably be the final chapter of this series and I hope to end it on how I wanted/envisioned it to be. With that, it'll take a long time for the next chapter to be released, as I'm really excited on it. So please be patient on me. Hehehe.
Please leave a comment and thank you for the love and support.
See you on the next chapter. Take care.