deal with the devil

It was past midnight by the time the pair neared the village.

'Let's do that for now, with that I don't have to worry about him being near Rem. I wasn't lying when I said I trusted him, but that doesn't mean I can trust him completely. I am not dumb enough to base my decisions only on intuitions especially when he admitted that he has something to reveal to me after everything is settled. He said it didn't have anything to do with what's happening, but it would be more than foolish of me to rely on his deductions knowing how incompetent he is. He truly is a bother now. I will have to take care of him at the same time.'

"Subaru. Remember that between killing the shaman and saving you, I will choose to kill the Shaman. Don't interfere too much and be alert at all times."

"I understand your priorities. I will try to do my best. And for me, between killing the Shaman and saving you, I would save you."

Saying that, Subaru struck a pose, somehow while still jogging, and made a thumbs-up sign with his hand.

"Disgusting. Keep those remarks to yourself."

"So, Ram, what are we gonna do? You have an idea about who the Shaman is?"

"When Rem returned from the village this morning, she told me about a 'cute dog' she met, and I saw a bite mark on her hand earlier. I can only come to the conclusion that the dog is related to the Shaman in some way."

A horrified look came over Subaru's face.

'What? Then does that mean that… I was cursed by that dog in the first loop… and the kids were playing with the dog… so the children… They are in danger! I have to save them!'

"Lets speed up Ram, I have a bad feeling…"

Saying that Subaru ran faster.

"What do you mean, 'bad feeling'? Subaru?!"

Reaching the village, both Subaru and Ram's feet were rooted to the ground. Their stomachs twisted as they lost their breaths.

Subaru lost the strength in his legs as he crumpled to his knees. His face twisted and distorted, betraying the deep emotions burning through him. Sadness, horror, despair, but mostly regret.

What laid upon the ground were the corpses of multiple children. The same kids he had played with in his last loop. Surrounding them were their parents, who were screaming and crying- outpouring all the tears in their bodies at their loss.

"It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault, my fault, my fault. I wasn't quick enough… I let them die."

"Subaru."

"It's my fault! How didn't I see this coming? It's the fourth day- I should have understood sooner! That's what must have happened! If I was a little smarter…"

"Subaru."

"If only I returned to the village sooner- I might have seen it. We could have gotten Beako…"

"Subaru…"

He chuckled.

"I knew it. I knew it! Just when I thought I had finally changed. I am still the good-for-nothing NEET who fails at everything. Useless-!"

"... You leave me no choice."

Had the townspeople been paying attention, they would have heard the loud, dull 'thump' of Ram launching Subaru into the air with a kick, followed by an equally loud, equally dull 'thud' as he landed several meters away.

Stunned from the impact, and with the air knocked out of his lungs, he didn't have the presence of mind to register what had just happened.

"Do… Do you really think we have time for this?! I didn't expect anything from you, yet I am still disappointed. We have no time to waste, yet you fall to the ground and babble uselessly! You are useless. Did you forget your dedication from earlier? Are your words truly this empty?"

Ram looked at Subaru with a complex expression, one he interpreted as a hybrid between disgust and disappointment. How dare she. He struggled to his feet, ignoring the pain- he was bolstered by indignant Wrath. If he could see through the darkness better, he might have noticed the faintest hint of surprise on her face, before she suppressed it with additional disgust.

"What do you mean? Do you not see that? Are you not seeing those children's corpses?! How… how can you act like that!"

Just as quickly as it came, the wave of Wrath receded, leaving him only with guilt.

"It's my fault they are like that. If I had– oi!"

Before finishing his sentence, Ram launched herself at him again, aiming a foot square at his chest. He barely had time to move out of the way.

"What is wrong with you!"

"Don't dodge, you deserve it! Tell me, Subaru. How is this your fault? Do you have something to share regarding your involvement?"

He stammered uselessly in response.

"No, no- If I- If I- If I was-"

"Only you… Only you. Stop being such a moron! It's the Shaman that killed them! This crime is his responsibility, and his responsibility alone. Do you think the world revolves around you? How typical. Following your logic, then it's my fault, your precious Emilia-tan's fault, or even those parents' faults that those children are dead. That's their job- to protect and care for their children!"

Was she mocking him?

"No, but… but I-"

"You are not a hero Subaru. You are no one special. You are just some weak boy who can't even read or peel a tato properly. No one expects anything from you. No one will hate you for not being able to save those children- you can't even save yourself."

Another wave of Wrath poured into him. She was mocking him.

"Then what am I supposed to do!? Am I supposed to just accept their death like nothing happened? Walk by it unconcerned? I guess I'm just not like y-"

The moment Subaru locked eyes with Ram, his rage again fell away. He could see it now, in the moonlight. If her expression portrayed barely restrained fury, her eyes betrayed her raw, barely restrained grief. She was on the verge of crying, only able to hold her emotions in check by taking them out on him.

"I will tell you what you, no, we are supposed to do. We have to kill the Shaman. Not because anyone expects that from us, and not because his crimes are our fault or responsibility, but because we want to. Because we chose to. We are not heros that have to be perfect, we are just people who would do everything to protect the ones they care about. You took a wound to your gut on such pretenses. So stand up. Get off the ground, Subaru, and instead of looking for an excuse to despair and give up in those you failed to protect, look for a reason to continue in those you still need to protect."

"But… but what the hell! Wouldn't that be wrong? If you know you could save someone and fail to, if you can save someone and just don't, aren't you responsible for that?"

"Who is the moron who gave you that idea? Knowing you, you probably came to that conclusion yourself. Are you this egotistic to believe you can save every person you meet? Don't be foolish. Life is about choices, and you have to choose your fights. You lost this fight, and you didn't even have an opportunity to make a choice. What, pray tell, are you going to do to save people who are already dead?"

"Sorry… but, I can't accept that. I can't just forget about the children… How could I continue knowing I could have done something… If I don't save everyone I can, what's the point of me even being here?! Why am I even here!? How could I continue on without them…"

"You still think that you could have saved them? You think you can save them? You are insane. I am going to tell you what you need to hear, Subaru. Even if you returned to the past, even–"

"No- don't say it. I don't want to hear it, you don't get to say that to me! You have no right-"

"No- you do need to hear it. You have no rights as my subordinate. Even if you knew everything that was going to happen, you wouldn't be able to save them. Because you are weak. Useless. You don't even have the strength to save the ones you actually care about, and you want to save children you have never even met? Don't make me laugh."

"No. No… no no no no no. No, I can, and I did, and I will. You- you have no idea what you are saying!"

"Ha. I guess it is no use arguing with someone as disgusting and delusional as you. And I thought your words from earlier were sincere. You are a liar and a disappointment, Subaru. Don't follow me. I am going to save my sister, and I don't need you and your insane delusions to slow me down. Have fun in your fantasy playing hero. Leaving me to do the work- pathetic."

And with that, Ram began walking towards the village chief- the townsfolk oblivious to the argument occurring just out of earshot.

"No… she is wrong. She is wrong. She is wrong! That can't be true. She is the liar!"

Repeating that endlessly, Subaru began running towards the woods opposite to the village.

He kept running.

And running.

And running…

He didn't care where. He just needed to get out of there.

Until… he reached a big cliff.

"Yeah she is wrong… she is wrong! If I jump… if I reset… I can save them. I can save them all! I… I- I can do it! That's something only I can do!"

Subaru walked near the edge of the cliff, but was unable to keep his breathing even, his heart rate spiking. Fear ate into him, consuming his resolve faster than he could reinforce it.

He was trying to walk but his body became sluggish and heavy. It refused to move past the edge of the cliff. Tears began flowing out of his eyes again.

"I… I don't want to die. I don't want to die! I don't want to start over! But I can save them… I have to save them, she…"

At this moment he heard her harsh voice in his head, berating him.

'Even if you knew everything that was going to happen, you wouldn't be able to save them.'

'You have no right…'

'You have no rights. You are weak. Useless.'

'No, that's… that's not true…'

'You don't even have the strength to save the ones you actually care about.'

'No, I saved Emilia… and… and I do… I do care…'

'Don't make me laugh.'

He tried to force himself over the cliff edge, but his feet would not budge. He fell backwards.

'I… I can't do it. I can't even take a single step. I can't do the one thing I am good for!'

'You are a liar and a disappointment.'

'Why… why can't I do it? Why am I not strong enough… it's just one more step!'

'Have fun in your fantasy playing hero.'

Something deep within his mind cracked.

"Why… Why am I even here?! Tell me! Tell me how to save them! Why can't I find the strength I need?! Answer me!"

He heard her voice behind him.

Ram watched the boy walk towards the cliff edge and then collapse back away from it. He kept trying to crawl closer but was unable to do what he seemed desperate to do- willingly die.

'... I was trying to prove a point, but…'

She heard him begin to sob.

'Driving him to suicide wasn't… what I had in mind.'

She had never seen someone behave like this. The boy was insane, or at the very least incredibly damaged.

'What… happened to you, Subaru?'

Despite the circumstances, she couldn't help but feel… no, she had priorities. She needed him to cooperate. Him breaking down at every perceived failure was unacceptable. He needed to be set straight.

'Still. Seems he won't go through with it. I can salvage this. A carrot to follow the stick.'

"-Answer me!"

She smirked.

"I don't know about saving the dead, but if you want strength, I can show you how to become stronger. I'll need something in return- as is customary, of course."

He was still sobbing. Whatever she had said had far more of an impact than she was expecting. Gone was the enraged, prideful man, and in his place was a broken child.

'Why?'

"I… I- If you could give me the strength… to do what I need to do… I would do anything. But I have nothing. I'm empty. I haven't changed at all. I don't even have any money to give you."

Something clicked in her mind. The strange familiarity he had with people and things he had never laid eyes on. His distorted perception of time. His odd phrases. How he didn't know things that should be common knowledge. His insistence he should have known things he could not know. The fact that, sometimes, it seemed he did.

'The witch cult?'

Rem had mentioned his strange scent- the scent of the Witch. Ram had heard about people abducted by the cult, who were experimented on and tortured. If he was such a person, perhaps…

'Did they do something to him? He acts like he knows of future events… some kind of seer? Prophetic visions? How would he have escaped? He looks… are they unpleasant? Can he even tell between reality and whatever visions he receives? 'The fourth day'? 'Something only I can do'? He seems so confused… Is that why he wants to die? He wants the vision to end, not knowing that it isn't just a vision? Working theory… regardless. All the more reason to not allow him to throw his life away.'

"I have no need for money. I want something more valuable than that."

"What… what could I possibly offer you?"

"Give me your will. Give me your life. Give me everything you have to give… and this demon will make you strong enough to protect the people you care about."

Subaru paused, momentarily deep in thought.

"Let Nee-sama take care of everything. Be grateful."

He stopped sobbing, and looked at her strangely. Some glimmer of his recently dispelled determination seemed to return to him.

"I… I... accept."

"...Good choice, Subaru."

'That… that's it? I reduce him to suicide with petty insults and then he just…gets back up? That's all he needed to get back up? I was expecting… What are you, Subaru?'

She shook her head. There would be time enough to think later.

"First of all, get off the ground and away from that cliff. A dead Subaru is even more worthless than a living one. I have the perfect plan, and I'll need you for it."

thank you for reading the chapter

"some guy" (its his name) helped me correct the grammar mistakes thank you for the help

anyway I waiting for your reviews (I read all of them it helps me improve ) thanks