Subaru slipped, falling to the ground and spraying mud everywhere—all over his jacket, his shirt, his hopes, his heart, his will. No tears dripped down his cheeks as he forced himself to his knees. That surprised him. He'd always expected to cry at this moment.
But he'd run out of tears on that first day.
His fingers brushed his cheek. They were still shaking and hadn't stopped since that afternoon in the capital.
Well…those afternoons.
"Ah," he groaned as the sky cried for all that had been wrought. He stared up into the drizzle, hoping to find the sun hidden within the clouds as water washed the mud off. Subaru chuckled; it was empty. Had She brought the storm here for him?
"Always so thoughtful, eh," he whispered, trying to show the world levity.
He pushed himself to his feet, only to lose his balance and topple over again. Typical. What was it going to take this time?
Five hundred tries? Screaming as a deathly hurricane razed buildings in seconds. A lesson learned in the fragility of human structures.
A thousand? His bones scattered across stone tiles, marrow slipping from the broken ones. A lesson learned in the resilience of human anatomy.
Five thousand? Children screaming, somehow managing to shield him. A lesson learned in the nature of this world.
His gaze floated up to that mountain, catching sight of Her. His heart pounded in his chest, then calmed. He heaved a sigh and took off his shoes and socks. What was the point in getting angry?
Anger was for people who didn't shake at the faintest breeze.
Subaru ascended the hill, toes digging into the ground. Some of the water leaking from the clouds got in his eye. His lip quivered.
What had he done wrong?
It was obviously something he'd done. He was Natsuki Subaru, after all.
Maybe if he got to the top of the ridge he'd find what he was looking for. He'd know how he'd caused that hurricane of a woman to rampage across the world.
Forcing a smile, he trekked up the mound, slowly, to keep upright. He stared into the sky, never seeing even a ray of sunlight.
"Did you make this for Her, or because of Her?" he asked the world as it threw rain into his eyes. So much for levity.
The steady drizzle continued, unresponsive, uncaring.
Or maybe it did care, and these were its tears…
That was rich.
It hadn't cried for the sons.
For the daughters.
For the mothers.
For the fathers.
For the cities flattened.
For the world torn to nothing and battered by wind.
But for Natsuki Subaru, it cried.
Truly, he'd been sinful.
"And I'd thought I was the hero here."
A laugh tore from his chest, shaking and jostling his torso, causing him to tumble into the mud again. He wrapped his arms around his body, still shaking from his giggles.
What had he done wrong?
What was it that Natsuki Subaru had done?
Was it just being himself?
He chuckled.
Put on a good front.
Stay their hope.
Don't let it get to you.
Emilia will frown if you don't laugh.
Garfiel will falter if you don't show your confidence.
Roswaal will lose hope if you do.
Priscilla will try to question you, don't let her.
Cecilus will try to joke around, keep him serious.
"SHUT UP, OTTO!" Subaru screamed, voice breaking.
"They're gone already!"
His throat tore as he let loose a yell, "Emilia can't frown!"
Not after the genocide of Gusteko, where she'd earned that twisted, gnarled, pit of blood where her heart should have been.
"Garfiel can't falter."
Not with his face torn off at the flattening of Costuul.
"Roswaal and Priscilla too."
Not with their bodies ripped in half at the battle of the Imperial City Rupgana.
"Cecilus joked to the end."
Then she won out in their battle outside that same city.
Oh…
Who was he joking for? Who was he hoping for? Who was he pretending for?
For the life of him, the lives of him, he couldn't find an answer.
Subaru's lips curled in a soundless howl, and finally the dam broke.
Water poured from his eyes. The rain began to pound the dirt, becoming a steady deluge. The last secure thing came apart. He hadn't run out of tears, after all.
"Who am I even talking to? You're gone, Otto." The man who'd advised him. The man who'd helped him in his crusade for years.
Dead, his blood covering Subaru's coat.
His hand drifted to his pocket, pulling out a little bloody feather and gazing down at it. Somehow he'd found it after Reinhard had chased Her away.
By some miracle, it had survived, floating just above the raging tide released by Priestella's shattered water gates.
Subaru's laughs continued. They were his last cries.
He looked to the top of that hill, "Clear my head? Yeah, right…"
From the moment he'd seen Her standing on that hill, waiting, he'd understood why he was here.
Ever since being summoned, he'd held it off.
His first day here should have been his last.
But for some stupid excuse, that first day had become a thousand.
Subaru wept, and with a snotty nose, continued climbing the hill.
What had Natsuki Subaru done? Was it not being able to make peace with Her? Was this course just bad, or was it something else entirely?
Where had he erred?
"Mom…what did I do? Was it because I didn't clean the dishes?"
Like always, she was silent, but he knew he should have stayed and done those fucking dishes.
Rock bit into his toes as he made it to the top of the hill. He had to know what his sin had been.
Was it the pride of thinking he'd come here with a purpose? Was it the wrath of despising his circumstances? Was it the sloth of resorting to blood in this hopeless world? Was it the greed of thinking that even with Reinhard, Puck, Roswaal, Cecilus, Priscilla, Emilia, Garfiel, Vincent, Otto, and so many others, he could even hope to come out on top? Was it the lust of wanting a future without Her? Was it the envy of wishing for something better?
Or was it his idiocy in not being able to figure it out?
Subaru breathed out, trembling, almost falling apart, but he had to know. He was so close, already at the summit.
For a brief second he looked out across the plain. Grass slick with water and mud, flowers dead and gone, the world weeping for his sin, whatever the hell it turned out to be.
Maybe it was just that Natsuki Subaru had been summoned and not Natsuki Kenichi.
He turned to his Enemy, the Entity he'd failed to stop.
She looked up at him, with Her inquisitive gaze that took stock of and analyzed everything. The once white robe, now stained red. Her bearing which rejected all negativity and exuded superiority. A Being which no plan of his mind, no amount of returning by death, no quantity of victory could defeat.
Their short stature which disobeyed all assumptions.
The Thing with a mind rivaled only by Otto Suwen.
The Thing with a dedication rivaled only by Roswaal L. Mathers.
The Thing with a versatility rivaled only by Ley Batenkaitos.
The Thing with a strength only trumped by Reinhard van Astrea.
The Thing that had combined all those aspects into a single body.
God Herself.
She raised Her hands out to the side, using that divine power to split the clouds and bathe the hill with sunlight. Her body caught the radiance in an almost beautiful way.
And his Enemy.
Where he was the average—elevated by handicaps—She was the peak, without limitation.
Unshackled.
"You," he breathed, falling to his knees. Where had he gone wrong? Why couldn't he just wrap his fingers around Her neck and squeeze?
He'd earned that, after so much dying, he'd earned it…right?
After piling up so many millions of bodies—only a tenth his own—he deserved to strangle Her. To choke the life from Her lungs. To rip those smug lips right off her face.
But he couldn't. No matter how much he wished to, something he'd done held it just out of reach.
Her eyes pierced him, glowing the same color as the blood of every child she'd slain.
Maybe his sin was that some of those children had died from him using them as shields. Before he had the chance to claw a new scar into his arm, She spoke.
With that same voice, smug as always, "It's taken a while for you to get up here."
Subaru's knees trembled in the dirt, his hands digging into the mud to keep him from eating the ground.
"Tired, little enemy?" She asked.
"I'm taller than you, Little Enemy," he whispered.
"Not a denial. I assume you've been constantly running since your little surprise attack," She observed, grasping the truth immediately.
Like fucking always.
What had he done wrong to be faced with this Impossible Foe?
Sure, the path to Reinhard on that first day had been paved with the blood of everyone he'd pushed into her way…but…
They'd understand…right…?
He'd died thousands of times by that point.
He whimpered, "Mom…"
She'd understand, right?
Or would she finally kick him to the curb?
He deserved it.
She ignored his thoughts, continuing, "All in all, an idiotic plan. It would have been smart had it worked, but…" She gestured to herself, "still here."
"How'd you escape Reinhard this time?"
"Led him into those sand storms around the tower. He'll be there for a long time," She answered, proud of herself.
Subaru bit his lip, filling his mouth with iron, "Yeah, I get it." His lips twisted and chest ached. "I lost, I understand."
She smiled, that smug look.
He despised it. Wanted to rip it off her face. Wanted to shatter it and leave Her crying. Wanted to destroy every facet of Her being.
Subaru hated that smile so much.
Because he liked it.
Had things gone differently, they could have been friends. She—monster though She was—seemed to feel the same.
So if that was the case, what had he done wrong?
Those kids, screaming as Her magic blasted them to pieces, their brains spraying into his mouth…
He should have made his heart steel. He should have died fifty-thousand times to find the perfect solution, not just five thousand.
"Before we end our time together…" She trailed off.
Subaru wept, but tried to laugh through it, "What's this, You…God…hesitating?"
She didn't reject the moniker of God, "No, you'll die, but I'll ask, what is your name?"
"That's what you want to know?" Subaru asked.
She nodded, imperious gaze softening.
It was only now he remembered he was kneeling before Her. After his loss, only fitting. She'd cemented it, she'd claimed it, she'd enforced it.
She was inevitable.
He couldn't refuse her, but he could delay her a bit, "Before that, tell me why you did all this?"
She tilted her divine head, "To kill."
"That's it?" he demanded, "What, is it fun for you?"
She only ran her hands along that blood-stained robe of hers. There wasn't a hint of joy there, "Part of me wanted to kill, to relish it, while part did not. I came to an agreement."
She reached forward.
That was it?
Well…was he any better?
A breeze caressed his skin, there it was…the same one he'd felt that first day.
"Please, one last thing, before I tell you my name," Subaru whispered, shaking once more.
She scowled, yet her voice was a tad warm, "Speak."
"What did I do wrong?" he asked, staring up at Her radiant profile.
Her smugness grew, "You didn't plan for me trapping your Sword Saint in sand time."
"Is that really it?" he said, voice breaking.
"Yes, that is all. Now tell me your name, let us end all this."
He couldn't laugh at Her impatience, only cry, only wish to know what he'd done to deserve all this.
"Tell me your name, and it will end quickly."
He looked up at Her, meeting those eyes that always glowed like blood in battle, "My name…is Subaru."
He wasn't worthy of the Natsuki part.
She cast Her hand out, "This has been…something."
Magic flowed from the atmosphere, infusing Her.
The steady drizzle turned to dusting snow. As the little flecks of ice landed on him, Subaru asked once more.
What did I do wrong?
And in this last moment, after so long, his life flashed before his eyes.
He'd walked out of the convenience store, arriving in a wonderful world. Humans and demi-humans, fantastical walking dragons, and a rustic glory to the world. What an idiot he'd been… Subaru only made it to that appa stand before realizing he couldn't read.
Only moments later he'd realized death wasn't the end for him.
Nor the second.
Nor the third.
Nor the eighty-eighth.
People exploded left and right, wind blasting apart from the inside.
He'd faced God that day, and She wasn't merciful.
But if She hadn't come…
What would have been?
Would he still have pushed those children into Her way? Would he still have used grandmas as shields, or husbands as battlements to slow Her? Would he have become that monster?
"You know…no matter what happens today, you were a brilliant and wonderful friend. Natsuki Subaru. My buds agree with me."
"Thanks for the leadin' Cap'n, let's go defend us a city."
"Soooooo, you've come. It seeeeeems you will help me after all."
"Hah, what utter pig's greed. But you are dedicated to this endeavor, so much that nothing I will say can stop you. Let us be on with it, this will be entertaining."
"Welp, it's been fun bro, but it looks like the stars were just bad, get out of here while you still can. Hopefully only my stars have to be bad today."
"Ey big bro, let's stop this windy bitch."
"You'd be deliciously Gourmet, ~tsu. But we agree, she is more so. Very well then, you give us the best shot at her, and if we survive we get to consume you, deal?"
"You're a wonderful supporting character for a protagonist such as myself."
"Goodbye Subaaaaru, you were a great friend. Sorry that I couldn't…"
"For everything we've done to reach this point, for all our sins…I don't think we'd have become the men we are if not for her. Or maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself now…we'll both probably be dead tomorrow… Get me another drink will you, Natsuki-san?"
A scream tore from his throat, like a child throwing a tantrum.
"You were right Otto, we could have done better."
Those children…
If this Bitch hadn't gone on a rampage, he wouldn't have died five thousand times. He wouldn't have had to hide behind them.
It was Her fault for deciding to murder millions, not his for trying not to be those millions.
He'd committed no sin to deserve this.
Subaru threw himself to his feet and proclaimed, "It wasn't my fault!"
Two horns bloomed from her temples, illuminating pink hair, and showing the pity in her eyes, "No, it wasn't."
"So no matter how much I do, how much I struggle, it'll never end any other way." Rage coursed through him, he wanted to scream at whoever had brought him here, and at the entire world.
Something within Her seemed to lament his anger.
Her pity turned to sadness, "You don't have to die guilty. This outcome was never your doing, Barusu."
Subaru's heart ached at that name, one he wanted to share with a friend. Why couldn't this have ended differently?
"I didn't do anything! You're just a monster." Why couldn't they have been friends?
Yet, he understood the hard truth.
He'd done no wrong, struggled endlessly through no fault of his own, and failed. All of it wrought by the doing of someone else.
For no reward but survival, for no reward but the world free of Her, for no reward but endless dying to stop Her, Subaru had fought and struggled.
And for a time, breathed hope into the world.
Only to realize, at the end, there was nothing better. There was no reason to strive. No reason to return.
And after five-hundred-thousand deaths, Natsuki Subaru met his final end as Ram's blade of wind chopped through his neck.