Author's Note: This Fic contains bad spelling, Fódlan slang, mentions of vampirism, clueless people, and Out-of-Character Black Eagles. Reader discretion is advised.

It was rare for Rhea's audience hall to be so crowded. Most of the teachers at the officer's academy and two-thirds of their students were there, as were her most trusted leaders of the Knights of Seiros. The door was closed and barred, and the guards had been instructed to take care of anybody who loitered outside. Rhea had only realized after they'd shut the door that she should have been clearer not to kill them, but at this point she would just have to hope for the best.

"So then, I understand that there have been some… issues… among the students this year?" Rhea asked, doing her best to maintain her well-practiced tone of regal calm and hoping everyone ignored that she was currently holding an unopened bottle of red wine. She might need a few sips of it before this meeting was over.

"'Some issues'? SOME 'ISSUES'!? Manuela asked. Her makeup had barely covered the redness of her eyes before it had started running again. "What we have here is well beyond 'some issues'!"

"I concur." Hanneman added. "What we have here is a situation that has no known precedent in the history of Fódlan. And what a fascinating incident it is! This could completely alter everything we thought we knew about Crests."

"This is pretty annoying" the third professor, Byleth, added. He was once again as expressive as the average corpse.

Seteth cleared his throat. "Perhaps we could start from the beginning. Manuela, if you would."

Manuela took several deep breaths before she began, "It started about two months ago. I was having class like always, but when Edelgard asked me a question, she called me "Manual". I don't think she actually noticed. I tried pointing it out to her, but she just got testy with me and insisted that she'd gotten it right. At first I thought she was making fun of me, but a bit later she called me "Manuela" again. I though it was just a mistake she didn't catch, and figured it was nothing."

"If only we had been so lucky." Seteth lamented.

"Two days later, Caspar called me 'Manolo'. I don't even know what that means, but he didn't seem to notice. I was thinking I had become the butt of some class joke, only for Linhardt to call him 'Custard'. And somehow neither one realized that wasn't the right name!"

"And that was hardly the only problem. Everyone's mood seemed to get worse and worse. Edelgard started getting mad and countermanding me every time I corrected her. Dorothea seemed to scowl all the time. Caspar seemed to lose his enthusiasm. Hubert… well, actually, aside from getting words wrong he pretty much stayed the same. Even Bernadetta snapped at me. At first I thought it was just, well, you know… But it didn't get any better. Her mood just got worse and worse."

"Hmm." Rhea said thoughtfully. "This can be a rather… difficult time in a person's life."

"Unfortunately, this goes well beyond the usual issues of teenagers. Continue, Manuela." Seteth said.

"Around this time, everyone started losing interest in class and started getting more interested in… well… each other…" Manuela said.

"Sounds pretty normal." Byleth said. "Sylvain thinks about girls far more than any of his studies."

"Guilty as charged!" Sylvain added.

"Well, yes, that does happen to some extent, depending on the person, but among my class, things got a bit… excessive." Manuela said. "Edelgard was always more interested in class than romance, but suddenly we found her glued to one or another of the boys in her class. Dorothea and Petra didn't seem any better, except for the times they were following Edelgard around. We even found Bernadetta making out with some of the boys." Manuela shook her head. "I'd like to think that was just her getting less shy, but with all the other weirdness I doubt it. And for that matter, most of the boys suddenly seemed far more interested in the girls. And each other."

"And these were some volatile relationships. I could barely keep track of who was dating who at what time. I think at one point Edelgard started dating and broke up with all of the boys in a single day, but they seemed to keep getting back together to."

"Maybe they were just learning from you." Felix said, earning a glare from all eight of his classmates.

"That certainly sounds difficult," Rhea said, "But I still don't see why this would be so strange."

"Their language kept getting worse. They went from just mangling names to getting words wrong at random. It seems like they can't get through a sentence anymore without getting at least one word wrong." Manuela said, "But things entered a whole new stage about three weeks ago."

"First of all, everyone was late to class." Manuela said. "I was waiting by myself in an empty room for two hours. I didn't know whether to be furious or worried. Then Edelgard finally got there, and boy did things get weird after that."

"First of all, she had dyed her hair black. She was wearing far too much makeup and far too little of anything else. I just… snapped. I started reading her the riot act over all the trouble she was causing, especially flouting the dress code like that. And that's when I found out she'd changed her name along with her appearance."

Rhea frowned. "The von Hresvelg name is one of the most important in all of Fódlan. What could she have wished to change it to?"

Manuela sighed. "Midnight Edel'gard Melancholia Void Madden."

"What" Rhea said. It was less a question than a reflex. "What kind of a name is that?"

"I admit that I am quite confused by the decision as well." Flayn interjected. "I do not see why Edelgard would feel the need to add a glottal stop to her name."

"How should I know what kind of name it is!?" Manuela asked. "The rest of the class eventually arrived, and it turns out that Edelgard wasn't the only one who had given herself a makeover. Everyone-" she hiccupped, her composure starting to break down again, "Everyone was either covered in leather or barely covered by anything. Faces were made up like a gang of clowns who'd never heard of comedy. And it seems there had been a contest to see who could give themselves the worst name."

"Hubert was 'Nosferatu'. Caspar was 'Oni'. I don't even know what either of those are supposed to mean. Ferdinand became… 'Loose Fur', I believe. He seemed to like shouting it as much as his old name. Linhardt… well, he was still 'Linhardt'. Whatever was going on hadn't made him less lazy. Dorothea was now 'Bloody Rose', Bernadetta was 'Tombstone', and Petra… honestly, between her messing up so many words and her grammar still being bad I can't understand anything she says. Of course, none of them could get their new names right to save their lives, either. I… got a little angry… and started calling Edelgard 'Madnoot', but I don't think she even noticed.

"When I asked them what they were doing, they said it was because they'd all become 'Goffs'. "

Rhea's face contorted in a confused frown. "I don't believe I've ever heard anything like that in all my life. What, precisely, is a 'goff?'"

Ashe raised his hand. "I read a book once that mentioned an emperor fighting a tribe called the 'Goffs'- or at least, something like that, around the year 600."

"That wasn't the exact name, and they were hardly this insane." Seteth said to himself.

"Manuela, what happened after that?" Rhea asked.

"Well, I wish I could say that was the worst part of the day. But it got worse. It got so much worse. I started on a lesson in tactics, but partway through the lesson…" Her breathing became labored, and her voice starting cracking. "Edelgard and Ferdinand… they started… they started…" Manuela began sobbing. "Why would they do that? Why? Who does that in the middle of a classroom full of people? WHY?"

Rhea looked to the other members of the faculty. "What happened during that class? What did they do?"

Hanneman cleared his throat. "The two of them climbed up on one of the tables and then began, as the young people say, 'having an Almyran debate'".

The wave of embarrassment that washed over the room was palpable. Faces turned red. Nervous coughs erupted left and right. Eye contact was suddenly at a premium. Rhea uncorked her bottle of wine and downed its entire contents in a single gulp. Awkwardness was everywhere. Except for Flayn.

"I am sorry, Manuela, but I do not see why them debating during class would be so distressing. Certainly, that is disruptive and disrespectful to you as a professor, but this hardly seems worse than their proceeding conduct."

Rhea pulled Seteth to the side and whispered angrily in his ear, "Have you had the talk with her?"

"Don't be absurd." Seteth whispered back. "We had that centuries ago."

"Well, you see Flayn," Sylvain said, "The first thing you do for an Almyran debate is you take your clothes off and-" Sylvain was cut off by a sudden, odd feeling, as if gravity had just become many times stronger and the earth itself was trying to swallow him. It was probably just the result of Seteth glaring at him, but it was enough to convince him to be quiet.

"That is enough, Felix." Said Flayn, suddenly red-faced. "I believe I understand what you are currently implying."

"I don't." Cyril piped up. "I don't remember anybody back in Almyra getting naked just to argue with each other."

"Would you like me to have the Talk with him?" Seteth whispered to Rhea.

"If you don't mind." Rhea whispered back. "Manuela, could you please-" she stopped when she realized Manuela had collapsed into a crying ball on the ground. "Take some time off for your health?"

Dimitri raised his hand. "May I speak, Lady Rhea?"

"You may." Rhea said.

"My housemates and I became aware of the Black Eagles'… sudden eccentricities right away." Dimitri said. "Not long after, we had a minor incident with out laundry, as you can see." Dimitri said, gesturing to the pink uniforms all of the Blue Lions save Flayn were wearing.

"And I am so super extra sorry about that, you guys." Annette said.

"Unfortunately, Edelgard and the others seemed to take it poorly, and they became very hostile towards all of us." Dimitri said.

"They really have it in for my singing." Annette said. "And for some reason they all think my name is Brittany."

"They keep picking fights with me." Felix said. "They're also way behind on practice, so it doesn't work out very well for them."

"They're hogging all the library books about ghosts." Mercedes said. "I offered to try telling a few stories for them, but they said I can't do it right because I'm a 'prep'. I don't even know what that means."

"After this point, I became concerned about them myself." Flayn said. " And so I attempted to get closer to them. I made an outfit in a style that resembles theirs," She gestured towards her current outfit: A shirt with the words DUSK FOR NIGHT written across it, a skirt as brief as a conversation with Dedue, and stockings she had made from a discarded net from the fishing pond. Rhea suspected the whole outfit would meet a fiery end as soon as she took it off. She was wearing makeup, applied at the instruction of Annette and Mercedes in a careful, tasteful way that was completely at odds with the way the Black Eagles wore it.

"Sadly, my efforts have been for naught. Although I have repeatedly come to them saying that I wish to become their compatriot in recusancy, they have repeated rejected me."

"I think you're a little too… well-spoken to be like them, Flayn." Annette said.

"Or maybe it's because they're obsessed with black, and you're wearing nothing but salmon pink." Felix said.

Flayn frowned. "But this is such a lovely color! Surely it looks better than black." She said.

"I've had some trouble myself." Byleth said. "I tried inviting them to choir practice to improve relationships, but all of them refuse to attend. They say they can't attend any worship of the Goddess because all of them now worship some god called Stan."

"I have been asked about it before," Dedue said, "but there is no god among the pantheon of Duscur with a name like Stan. Or any of their other misnamings."

"When I was working the kitchen the other day," Gilbert said, "'Nosferatu' came up to me and demand that I give him blood because he's a 'vrompir'."

"It's a sort of monster from rural folklore." Seteth said. "A dead body that comes back to life and eats people. Sometimes they can turn into wolves."

"Naturally, I couldn't serve him actual blood, so I mixed up some spinach-and-tomato juice while he wasn't looking and told him it was blood. If he's figured it out, he hasn't told me yet." Gilbert said.

"Catherine and I were leading a detachment of knights through the woods the other day. " Alois said. "We'd heard reports of a massive, dangerous beast in the area. While we were looking, we found Midnight and Oni… uh… having a very spirited debate against a tree. Catherine got mad and upbraided them with some very colorful language."

"What?" Catherine said defensively. "I had a headache. I mean, before we found them "debating" in the middle of a monster-infested forest." She let out an annoyed sigh. "Back when I was a student, when we wanted to "debate", we'd sneak into the larder and do in on the flour sacks-"

Seteth cleared his throat angrily. "While Edelgard and Caspar were being lead back to the monastery, Edelgard became sullen and announced her plan to cut herself. Alois became concerned, and immediately reported the matter to me."

Rhea frowned. "That is certainly cause for concern."

"Indeed." Seteth said. "While I believe in respecting the student's privacy-" he tried to ignore the angry snort Flayn gave- "I mounted my wyvern and attempted to observe Edelgard through her window. I did, indeed, witness Edelgard attempting to cut her wrists. With a piece of raw beef."

"What" Rhea said. Again.

"Wait a minute, didn't you just drink a whole bottle of wine a minute ago?" Felix said.

"Thankfully, she was unharmed, though I imagine her wrists were rather greasy. Unfortunately, she became aware that I was outside her window. She then proceeded to accuse me of… improprieties… and attacked me with magic.

Gasps came up from those assembled.

"She used an odd version of Sagittae that produced far more projectiles than normal." Seteth said. "It was also far weaker than normal. None of them had any effect, but it seemed prudent to leave. I asked her about it later, and she claimed that she, too, is a 'vormpir' and can only be harmed by a steak. Unfortunately, it has become very difficult to talk with her further."

"I've gotten some mixed messages from her." Claude said. "She started calling me and the rest of the Golden Deer 'punks', but she seems to mean it in some affectionate way? She said we were allies against the 'preps'. And then she just started ignoring us. Or at least, I thought she was. Yesterday I walked up to her at lunch, took all of her food, and ran away. She didn't even notice. I went back and stole everyone else's lunch too, and none of them noticed either. I'm not sure they can even tell we exist anymore. Can you imagine? The Golden Deer are such a loveable cast of characters. Who would want to ignore us?"

"The last time I saw Edelgard, she was running around with an empty scabbard, claiming it was a machine that could send people through time." Catherine said. "She thinks she's gone back to when the Four Saints attended Garreg Mach."

"But that never happened." Mercedes said. "All of the Saints predate Garreg Mach. None of them ever set foot here." There was a sudden chorus of awkward coughs from Rhea, Seteth, and Flayn.

"Yeah, I think it's pretty obvious that Edelgard and reality aren't on speaking terms right now." Catherine said.

"But just earlier today, we had a breakthrough." Hanneman said. "With a little help from the Blue Lions, I was able to give Hubert a proper examination."

"When you say 'a little help'…" Seteth said.

"Felix punched him out, and Dimitri carried him." Annette said.

"No, seriously, Rhea just drank a whole bottle of wine. Why is nobody else talking about this?" Felix said.

"And I believe that I have found the culprit for their behavior. For you see, Hubert tested positive for a Crest." Hanneman said.

"Impossible." Seteth said. "He was tested when he first came, and he was certainly Crestless. It would take some very unusual circumstances for him to develop one." Seteth said, looking at Flayn for some reason. Flayn simply shook her head.

"It should not be possible, and yet he did." Hanneman held up a scrap of paper triumphantly. It had a pentacle drawn on it. "Just like this. A Crest that has never been seen before in Fódlan."

Rhea pulled Seteth aside again. "Were there any of our siblings that had a Crest like that?"

"No, and I can't imagine mother putting up with that sort of behavior." Seteth answered.

"While it has long been theorized that Crests have some effect on behavior, I believe that I have proof of it. Of course, I will need to test the other Black Eagles to see if they have this Crest-"

"Just give the word." Felix said while popping his knuckles.

"In light of the unusual religious ideation it seems to spur, I have dubbed it the Crest of Stan. Once I have samples from all of the Black Eagles, I hope to better understand its unusual properties." Hanneman said.

"I see. That does sound interesting." Rhea said. "But will you be able to get the Black Eagles back to normal?"

"Er, well, I think I might be able to figure something out in maybe… six or seven years?"

"SEVEN YEARS!?" asked every non-Hanneman person in the room.

"At most. I think. But I promise you, Lady Rima, that I will do everything that I can to help." Hanneman said.

"Pardon me, Professor Hanneman," Dimitri said, "But I believe you got lady Rhea's name wrong."

"I did not! Shut up, you stupid prep!" Hanneman said.

The silence in the room was palpable as everyone came to the same unpleasant realization.

"And now I've got a real headache." Catherine said.

"Brother," Flayn whispered to Seteth, "Does this mean that we will have to fake our deaths and move to Dagda?"

Seteth sighed. "Most likely."

Flayn frowned. "Not again."

Author's Note: I like this story, but on a conceptual level it's probably one of the dumbest things I've ever written. Three Houses has attracted a lot of comparisons to Harry Potter, so naturally my brain came up with a connection to the most famous of Harry Potter fanfics, My Immortal. My initial idea was more of a multi-chapter pastiche of My Immortal with the cast of Three Houses, but this concept seemed more original- inasmuch as this idea can be called "original"- and funnier.

Thanks for reading!