A/N: I am so sad to share the final chapter of this fic with you. It completely took on a life of its own, and it was so much fun to follow where it lead. Thanks so much for sticking with me, and for all your kind words and reviews.
Before reading this chapter, I suggest you read "Second Choice" for some background on Elliot's journey. As always, reviews are very much appreciated. See you for my next one! xoxo
Elliot sits in Central Park, watching natives and tourists alike wander lazily in the quickly setting sun. The days are getting longer, the air warmer and sweeter. Today was one of those days that reminds you that winter doesn't last forever, the kind that makes you want to open your windows and finally leave your jacket at home. Olivia hadn't mentioned why she wanted to meet him here, not that it mattered. The anticipation of seeing her had him feeling like a teenager- butterflies in his stomach, but desire burning in his bones.
When he sees her approaching, he stands and meets her part way, eager to be close to her. The other night had broken their relationship wide open. He was no longer confused about where he stood in her life, no longer hesitant to reach out and touch her, to call her, to kiss her. And so he does.
She smiles against his lips, "Hi," she says, and she can hear the lightness in her own voice. After a decade without him and so many years longing for the freedom to love him, she will never take a greeting like this for granted.
"So, why here?" he asks casually.
She smiles and extends her hand to him. "Walk with me?"
He raises an eyebrow and takes her hand, "Anywhere."
Olivia chuckles, "You going soft on me Stabler?"
They walk hand-in-hand, slowly, casually, falling immediately into rhythm with one another. Elliot smirks, "Old age."
"Oh, is that it?" she says, leading him around a bend, toward the water.
"Could be. Or maybe I've just gone too long stopping myself from saying what I want to say." They catch each other's eyes for a moment, and she guides him across a grassy area. They've seen fewer and fewer people as they walk, the sky fading quickly from orange to grey. They come upon a bench under a small copse of trees, and Olivia moves to sit down. Elliot looks around curiously before he sits next to her, "This is...remote."
Olivia's eyes fix on the water, "After you left, I'd walk the park a lot. I couldn't bear to sit too long in my apartment with my own thoughts. One day I happened to find this place. No one ever seemed to be around here, so it became mine. I would sit, and I would," she sighs, "remember you. Miss you."
Elliot's brow furrows, "Liv, I'm sorry-"
"No, El," she interrupts, "That's not why I wanted to bring you here. You've apologized. This isn't about you, it's about me." The sun has disappeared, and with it the warm, early spring air. She shivers a bit.
Elliot unzips his old grey hoodie and wraps it around her shoulders, "Ok," he says, "I'm listening."
"That first year, I would sit here for an hour at a time. So many days I would close my eyes and let myself imagine that you were sitting next to me. That somehow you would've just appeared. But, when I opened my eyes it was always just me."
Elliot knows exactly what she had been feeling all that time. He'd felt it himself, day after day. "I had a place too," he says quietly, "Just like this, actually. I would sneak away, and look at the water, and think."
Olivia is caught off guard by his confession. "About me?" she asks. Sometime during that first year she had given up believing that he took time to remember her.
He looks at her, "Of course, Liv. I thought about you every day."
"Then why?" her voice is soft, curious, "What happened?"
He clears his throat and leans forward, elbows on his knees, "After Jenna, I fell apart. I left the precinct and crawled into bed for days. I didn't eat or sleep, Honestly, I don't even remember most of it. Like time just stopped the moment I pulled the trigger." He feels Olivia's hand on his knee, firm and grounding. "I wanted to answer the phone, Liv, I did. I just wasn't ready to talk. Not to you, not to Kathy, but she couldn't understand that. And suddenly it was like everything she'd been angry about for 25 years caught up to her. She just couldn't take it anymore. So she gave me an ultimatum; stay in the city and on the job, or leave with her and Eli," he shakes his head at the memory of the day, "I was so numb and confused. I couldn't lose my son, and the thought of going back to work…" he trails off, "I wasn't in the right state of mind to make a decision like that, but I felt like I didn't have a choice."
"You had to be with your son, El. Eli was lucky to have you so much growing up," she dips her head to try and catch his eyes, but he doesn't look at her.
"I'm not making any excuses. It wasn't entirely Kathy's fault. I chose to go with her. I chose not to answer your calls," finally, he raises his eyes to her, "And that was so selfish. But it wasn't you, Liv. My god, I wanted so badly to say goodbye to you. But if I saw you, how could I ever have left?"
Olivia smiles sadly, "You know, a few years ago, Noah's maternal grandmother turned up out of nowhere and tried to take custody. I've never felt anything more terrifying than the possibility of losing him. Eli needed his dad. You never would have forgiven yourself if you had missed that much of his life."
Elliot looks at her, dumbfounded. With all of the pain she has experienced in her life, she still has the ability to see the good in people. "I know deep down Kathy was a good person, but there were days- there are still days- that I resent her for what she did. There are days I resent myself for giving her so much control. I never wanted to leave you, Liv. You need to know that."
She nods slowly, looks at him, "I never wanted to cause any trouble between you and Kathy. I would never have- I mean you would never have-" she falters, "I hoped Kathy would've known that."
"She was scared," he breathes deeply, "and maybe she had a right to be. I thought I wasn't cheating on her because I never stepped over the line, but that wasn't true. I gave every piece of myself to you because I wanted to. I showed you all the things I shielded her from. And when I realized that I was more yours than I was hers, that I hadn't been the husband I thought I'd been… I figured living without you was what I deserved."
Olivia reaches out and takes his hand. His eyes shine when he looks at her, "Kathy was my first love. And then suddenly there was a baby on the way, and it was so easy to get swept up in it. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do, but we were just kids playing house. I was happy. I thought it was normal."
"What do you mean?" she asks, sliding closer to him, eager for the warmth from his body. He lets go of her hand and wraps an arm around her.
"You know how it is. You grow up in a home where there's no one to show you what love is supposed to look like. So I thought, just because we were more stable than my parents, that it was enough. I thought that's what love was. And then," he kisses her temple, "I met you."
"Wrong place, wrong time," she says quietly, and rests her head on his shoulder.
He nods, "Mmm," he agrees. "Kathy saw it. She knew. That's why she made me choose."
"She just wanted to be with the man she loved," Olivia says.
"We never got back there. At first we were resentful, then comfortable, then content. Eventually, the more time passed, the more I gave her what she wanted, I started to see the real Kathy again. We were happy. Not in love, but happy."
Olivia leans away from him, studies his face, "You're a good man, Elliot."
He squints at her, "I don't know how you can still think that, after everything I've put you through."
She smiles, thinking back to her son's words, "Y'know, a very wise 8 year old recently told me 'Even good people do bad things sometimes. The important thing is that they don't do it again'," she shifts her body and faces him, "Are you going to do it again?"
He smiles back at her, "Never." He lifts her hand and presses his lips to her fingers. Olivia turns and looks out at the water again. The sky is dark, the trees shadowed, the water's surface sparking in the lights of the city.
"Sometimes it's still hard for me to believe that you're really here. Like I'll open my eyes and I'll be back on this bench alone."
Elliot smiles softly, "Close your eyes," he says and moves his arm from her, creating space between them. She looks at him incredulously, "Just do it."
Olivia closes her eyes slowly. They are silent, the night is still. She lets herself remember those days she sat here, wishing she could see him again. Hoping beyond hope that he would come back to her. She remembers that dull ache in her stomach, the empty space in her heart, the way she thought she would never feel whole again. She feels tears well in her eyes and she opens them, tentatively. And unlike every other time before, Elliot is here next to her. After all those years of imagining, of hoping, the reality of seeing him here with her is overwhelming. She feels something inside of her start to heal, a door to that dark time slam shut, and she knows this will be the last time she visits this lonely place.
"I'm here," he says, "And I'm not going anywhere." He places his palms against her cheeks, warming her cool skin, then leans in and kisses her fully, as though proving to her that he is truly there. Never will he take for granted the luxury of touching her, kissing her, calling her his. Elliot stands and pulls her up with him. They both look out of the water for a few seconds. Then, holding tight to her hand, he leads her away from the bench, "Let's go home, Olivia."
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