Narcissa rushes to the bathroom on the train, slamming the door shut before sinking down to her knees, trembling. What was this, this overwhelming feeling? She couldn't stop her hands from shaking and it felt like her heart was trying to pulsate its way out of her chest.
She had gotten on the train that morning easily, their suitcases packed away for the Christmas break, and Narcissa had felt fine. Well, not exactly fine, but such a strange blur of contradicting emotions. She felt elated one instant and then terrified the next. She didn't even know what terrified her. Her body would simply become overwhelmed in a deathly terror that she couldn't place.
When this most recent one had overcome her, she had done her best to hide it from Lucius. He was so eager for her to make a good impression on his parents; she couldn't allow for him to see her like this: weak, out of control, vulnerable. So Narcissa did what she did best. She shut down all expression of her emotions and had excused herself until she was alone before letting herself become overwhelmed.
She had never felt like this before. This lack of control. She felt like she was dying, like her body was shutting down. All this… What was it? She closes her eyes tightly, trying to shut it all out, but with her eyes closed, her vision becomes overwhelmed with shots of the night before. She could feel Augustus's hands on her body, bruising her, touching her. The air caught in her throat and she felt like she was suffocating.
This had to stop. She had to do something. She couldn't live like this, shutting down without control.
Narcissa breathes deeply, trying to filter through the emotions. "Breathe," she tells herself, palms over her eyes. "Just breathe. You're safe. You're here. Lucius is just a few rooms away. You're safe. So breathe."
It took another five minutes, but eventually Narcissa felt her body calm and the shaking come to a stop. She could breathe again, the air no longer lodging tightly in her front. She gets up from the ground and goes to the mirror, splashing water in her face. She had to keep this hidden, this new weakness. She couldn't afford for anyone to know. She was weak. Dreadfully weak. So fragile and breakable. It showed clearly in her reflection. A sudden fear grips her heart. Lucius wouldn't love this broken version of herself. He wanted the perfect girl for a wife, and this trembling thing she had become was far from perfect. So very, very far from perfect.
He could never see this part of her. Narcissa would never allow it. It would kill her to see the love drain from his eyes. This would be her secret, her burden to bear. Narcissa stares at her reflection, carefully cleaning up all traces of her episode. She made a vow to the mirror-version to herself that she would keep this a secret from him at all costs. Lucius would never know. Narcissa gives her reflection a bright smile. She could do it. She could be perfect. She would do it, because that's what Lucius wanted and that's what he deserved.
Narcissa kisses Lucius goodbye and sees him off before joining her sisters and parents. Andromeda smiles at her and wraps a loose arm around her shoulder, hugging her.
"Did you say all your goodbyes?" Andromeda asks with an easy smile. She had a look in her eyes today and her lipstick was smudged in such a way that Narcissa assumed she had a special goodbye of her own.
"There was only one goodbye that mattered," Narissa replied, looking out of the crowd at the disappearing blonde head of Lucius. The small sight of him brings a smile to her lips. Narcissa catches a scowl on her sister's face, but Andromeda turns from her to try and hide it. Rolling her eyes, Narcissa breaks away. "I have to talk to mama."
She excuses herself and goes to take her mother's hand. Druella turns to her with a smile. Druella Black was a cold and restrained woman in all regards except for her youngest daughter. She was proud and calculated, but Narcissa always managed to bridge her restraint and bring a smile to her face.
"How was school, my darling?" Druella asks her as they head out to their portkey.
"It was good, mama… There's something I must tell you."
"At home, darling." Druella kisses the top of Narcissa's head. "I'll help you unpack."
Narcissa nods and lets herself be led along with the rest of her family. Andromeda had pulled out a book, only half paying attention to where she's walking, and Bellatrix was glowering along beside her. Cygnus led the group, strutting forward with confident strides. It didn't take long for the family to reach their portkey and be transported back to their mansion.
Narcissa smiles upon seeing the sprawling mansion. It felt like home and filled her with a sense of relief. She loved Hogwarts, but she missed the privacy and retreat of being home. Bellatrix and Andromeda immediately went to their rooms, not one to spend extra time with their parents if at all possible.
Druella orders the house elves to unload the suitcases and then follows Narcissa up to her room. "Come sit for me, darling," she says, picking up Narcissa's comb. "Tell me what it is that's on your mind."
Narcissa takes off her Hogwarts' cloak and sits in front of her vanity, smiling as Druella unplaits her hair and starts combing it. It had always been an intimate tradition of theirs and Narcissa felt more at home here, under her mother's careful care, than anywhere else in the world.
"It's about that boy of yours, isn't it?" Druella asks with an amused smile.
"Lucius," Narcissa nods with a smile. "Oh mama… He's wonderful. And he… he wants me to meet his parents. To get their permission. Mama, he wants to marry me."
Druella's hands pause in her hair. "Are you certain, Narcissa?"
Narcissa nods again. "He's invited Bella and I to his family's Christmas party," she explains. "So that his parents can meet me. Once he has his father's permission, he'll ask papa proper like. He's going to marry me, mama."
"Are you certain?" Druella asks her again seriously. "We've had requests, Narcissa, for your betrothal. We don't want to throw away promising prospects if this boy isn't serious."
"He is, mama," Narcissa says, turning to her and taking her hands earnestly. "He's serious and he's perfect. Papa will have to approve. Malfoy is a good name, a wonderful name. And Papa works with Mr. Malfoy, as well. He knows that they're good stock. Don't give me away to someone terrible, or someone I don't know… I love Lucius, Mama. And he's the most perfect thing for me."
"Narcissa… Sometimes boys are not as serious as they claim to be. They'll say certain things in order to get favors out of a girl they have interest in."
Narcissa turns her head, doing her best to keep a blush from rising to her cheeks.
"Oh… Narcissa…" Druella says sympathetically. "You haven't-"
"Well, that just proves he's earnest, doesn't it?" Narcissa says sharply. She didn't mean for it to come out so cuttingly, but she wouldn't apologize for it now. "If he was only after sex, he would have left already. He loves me, mama. Truly loves me."
Druella's hands remain frozen in her hair as she takes a long moment to think. Eventually, however, she resumes combing Narcissa's hair. "We won't speak of this to your father," she says. "He won't be understanding on that front. I'll have to write to Mrs. Malfoy, of course. We can't allow this to escalate to a scandal…"
"We're taking the proper precautions," Narcissa promises her. "Please don't speak to Mrs. Malfoy about this… I want to win her over on my own. I don't want Lucius to marry me because he has to, mama. I want him to marry me because he loves me."
Druella contemplates further, her brush strokes long and purposeful. "He'll have to ask your father properly," she says firmly. "Make a proper bid for your hand, Narcissa. None of this… fooling around before marriage. This boy should know better than to treat you in such an improper manner. You're a good girl, a pureblood lady. Taking your virtue without having a betrothal-"
"It was a decision Lucius and I made together," Narcissa tells her firmly. "And I do not regret it, mama. I love him. Surely you've felt like this before." Narcissa looks at her mother's reflection in the mirror and sees a distracted and distant look in her eyes. "Mama?"
"Once…" Druella admits. "Yes, once I did feel like you, Narcissa. But that was a lifetime ago." She lets out a long and heavy sigh. "This boy of yours. He has until summer to speak to your father about a betrothal. If he hasn't by then, we will go ahead with one of the proper proposals you've had. You'll tell no one of your… indiscretions. Understood?"
"Yes, mama," Narcissa says with a smile. "And he'll ask Papa, I promise you. I can't wait for you to meet him. You'll see why I love him so."
Druella leans in and kisses her head. "This is a deal, do you understand? If he does not come to ask for your hand properly, you will marry a man of your father's choosing, do you understand?"
"I do, mama," Narcissa says, having no doubts that Lucius will ask properly. "But Lucius will ask."
"I hope he does," Druella says. "For your sake."
Narcissa turns to her and takes her hand, looking at her insistently. "I know you're worried and I know you have reason to be, but mama… Lucius is perfect for me. He's rich and handsome and even Andi has seen it in the tea leaves that we'll be together. I know you can't trust him yet since you hardly know him, but trust me. I would never take this gamble if he wasn't worth it. You'll love him. And we'll give you the most beautiful grandbabies. I promise you."
Druella leans forward and kisses her forehead. "I trust you, my darling. And I cannot wait to meet him."
"You must think me a fool… But I'm so happy, mama. He makes me so happy."
Druella pets her hair. "We've all fallen foolish for love, my darling. And occasionally, one gets lucky. Perhaps you'll be one of those lucky ones."
Narcissa nods and throws her arms around her, hugging her tightly. "You'll let me go to his family dinner, yes? With Bella to supervise?"
"Only if you promise to dazzle that family," Druella smiles.
"Of course I will," Narcissa smiles. "You've taught me well."
"We'll have to buy you a dress. Something stunning."
Narcissa smiles, knowing that her mother was the only other person in the world that understood the importance of a proper dress the way that she did.
"They'll love you," Druella promises, squeezing her hands. "They'd be fools not to."