Chapter 61: Scared
A/N: And with this chapter, Family by Love (excluding author's notes) has more words than Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
Jane: October, Present Day
Jane dropped back on the bed, completely spent and breathing hard after another mind-blowing orgasm. Maura kissed the inside of Jane's thigh before moving up her body and capturing Jane's lips in a loving kiss. Jane moaned lightly into the kiss, causing a smile to tug at Maura's lips.
Jane reached up to brush Maura's hair behind her ear, and they shared a soft smile as Maura hovered over her. Jane trailed her hand down Maura's neck and shoulder, eventually gently pushing against her back to guide Maura to lie down on top of her. She wrapped her arms around Maura and held her tight as Maura buried her face in the crook of Jane's neck.
"Yeah, I'm definitely never giving this up," Jane quipped breathlessly. Maura just laughed as she pinched Jane's side. "Hey!" Jane exclaimed indignantly.
Maura chuckled as she lifted her head. She rested her chin on Jane's chest so that she could see Jane's face.
Jane lifted her head just enough to give Maura a quick kiss before letting her head fall back on the pillow. "No, you know I don't just mean the sex," Jane said softly. "I'm never giving up on you, on us, on our family."
"I'm never giving up on any of this either, and I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I'm so sorry, Jane," Maura repeated, unshed tears glistening in her eyes.
"I know you are, and I forgive you," Jane said. She rolled them both and pulled Maura up so that they were face-to-face with their fronts pressed together. "And I'm sorry for forgetting that you're still hurting."
"We're both still hurting, Jane. It hasn't even been four months. I think we both forget that sometimes. I-I also think that we're…that we're falling back into an old pattern. For so long, before all this, before I left, before we had kids, before we became more than friends, prioritizing our relationship was so easy. I'm not saying that our relationship is hard. It's not. Loving you is the easiest thing in the world, but remembering to prioritize us can be hard.
"We talked about this a bit a few months ago, and at that time, we decided to start going on actual dates. I think it helped, but I think…I think we should try couple's therapy. I've been thinking about it for the past few days. I know we're already so busy, but…"
"I think it's a good idea," Jane interrupted quietly. "We'll figure out how to fit it in." Jane ran her fingers through Maura's hair a few times as they laid together. Eventually, their bubble was broken by the sound of Jane's stomach rumbling.
Maura giggled. "Maybe we should take a break for dinner," she suggested. "Besides, we technically sent the girls to your mom's so that we could talk, but we've spent more time making love than we have talking."
"Actually, I think we sent the girls to ma's so that we could make up, and making up should always include hot make-up sex," Jane countered, kissing Maura hard. Maura was laughing too hard for Jane to deepen the kiss, and when Jane's stomach grumbled again, Maura's giggles only increased.
"Alright, fine, dinner," Jane acquiesced through her laughter.
A few days later
Jane hadn't realized how much the tension between her and Maura had been affecting the kids until things were back to normal. She had naively thought that they had kept their fight away from the kids, but today the kids were back to their usual happiness and energy. It was the Saturday before Halloween, and the kids were bouncing off the walls in their excitement. They had finally all settled into the family room for a movie night. After a lot of arguing, they had decided on Monsters, Inc. It wasn't actually a Halloween movie, but Emma and Finn had decided it could be since it had the word 'monster' in it. Plus, Sophie hadn't seen it yet.
"Mama, can I change my Halloween costume," Emma asked as Jane navigated to the movie.
"Uh, that depends," Jane said. "Is it something we have at home?"
"I dunno," Emma mumbled. "I just don't wanna be a baseball player cus my cast isn't red and blue like the Red Sox. I want something where people won't be able to see my cast."
Jane's heart broke. She had been planning to say no – finding a new Halloween costume a few days before Halloween was not fun – but how could she turn down Emma now. "Yeah, we can look for something tomorrow, okay, bean. We'll figure out something that works with your cast, okay?"
"'Kay," Emma said.
"Emma, are the other kids still teasing you at school?" Maura asked, leaning around Jane to look at her daughter. Jane turned to look at Emma, too.
"No," Emma replied.
But Finn disagreed. "Yes," she interjected.
"No!" Emma said more loudly.
"Yes! Casey said that no Red Sox player would wear a pink and purple cast," Finn countered.
"Yeah, but that wasn't about me," Emma snapped back.
Jane could tell that Emma and Finn were about to start fighting. "Okay, okay," Jane said. "Em, mommy and I will talk to you about this tomorrow. Okay, sweetie? We'll find you a new costume if that's what you really want, but I think a Red Sox player can definitely have a pink and purple cast, so don't let that stop you from being what you want to be."
Emma nodded, but Finn wasn't done.
"But…" Finn started.
"Bug, it's okay," Jane said, running her fingers through Finn's hair. "I promise you that we will figure it out tomorrow, but thank you for looking out for your sister. For now, let's enjoy movie night, okay?"
"Alright," Finn conceded.
After the movie, they sent the kids up to get ready for bed while they cleaned up.
"Are you worried about Emma?" Maura asked.
"I don't know," Jane said. "She seemed totally fine all day today. If she'd been off, then I'd definitely be worried, but she was totally normal until she asked about her costume. I think we should talk to Finn alone and Emma alone tomorrow. They do seem fine for tonight."
Maura nodded. "Okay, that sounds good," she said. Then, after a pause, Maura added, "I hope this comes off as genuine and not sarcastic, but thank you, Jane, for including me."
Jane smiled and gave Maura a chaste kiss in response.
They went upstairs to say goodnight to the girls. They went into Harper and Sophie's room first since they could hear the girls talking in their beds.
"Good night, note," Jane said as she tucked Harper in and gave her a kiss while Maura did the same with Sophie.
"Night, night, noodle," Jane said as she gave Sophie a kiss.
"Mama, I'm scared," Sophie said, sticking out her bottom lip.
"What's wrong?" Jane asked, sitting on the edge of Sophie's bed. Maura and Harper turned to look at them too.
"The monsters are going to come outta da closet," Sophie said, pointing at the closet door.
Jane's heart sank. Sometimes it was hard to predict what would scare little kids. Maybe watching Monsters, Inc was a bad idea tonight.
"Sweetie, it was just a silly movie. I promise you that there are no monsters in the closet," Jane said.
"Will you check?" Sophie asked.
"Of course, noodle." Jane kissed Sophie's forehead before standing up and walking over to the closet as Maura took her place next to Sophie. "But I promise you that there are no monsters in your clos-"
"Boo!" Finn and Emma both jumped out at the closet to scare Jane as soon as Jane opened the closet door.
Jane screamed, "AHHH! Shit!" Jane turned bright red while everyone else in the room burst into hysterical laughter.
Jane turned on her heel to look at Maura. Pointing at Maura, she asked accusingly, "Were you in on this?"
Maura shook her head with her hand over her mouth as she tried unsuccessfully to stifle her uncontrollable laughter.
Emma was the first to gain control of herself, albeit barely. Through her laughter, she said, "No, mommy didn't know. We got you, mama!"
Jane had to join in their laughter. She was actually quite impressed with their trick. "You did get me," she admitted.
"Also, you said a bad word, mama," Finn added.
"Yeah, well, you guys scared me," Jane said.
Harper and Sophie were still rolling in their beds laughing. Jane walked over to Sophie, and Maura stood up to give her room. Jane leaned over and tickled the little girl, making her laugh even harder. "You, my love, are a good little trickster."
Sophie laughed as she tried to roll away from Jane. "Stop! Stop, mama! I peed!" Sophie squealed through her laughter.
Jane grabbed Sophie under her arms and lifted her from the bed in the hopes of salvaging the sheets. To be honest, they were all laughing hard enough to make them pee. "It's okay, Soph," Jane said as she set the girl on her feet. "Just put your underwear and pajama bottoms in the hamper and go use the bathroom, okay?"
Maura pulled out a new set of underwear and pajamas for Sophie and followed her to the bathroom. Jane ran her hand over the bed to make sure it was still dry – it was. Sophie and Maura returned quickly.
"Alright, you little monsters," Maura said. "It's time for bed."
They finished tucking in all four girls (who were still having a hard time controlling their laughter). When they closed the door to Emma and Finn's room, Maura's laughter returned in full force.
"Maura!" Jane whined.
"I'm sorry," Maura choked out, not sounding sorry at all.
"No, you're not!" Jane pouted.
"No, I'm really not," Maura laughed.
"Mmm, that's not nice," Jane said, trying to hide her own smile, as she reached out and picked Maura up. She threw Maura over her shoulder and carried her in a fireman's carry to the bedroom.
Maura's laughter was contagious, but just before Jane dropped her on the bed, she said, "You know. I kinda like this view."
Jane dropped Maura on her back onto the bed before climbing over her, straddling her hips. "I think you should make it up to me," she said.
"And how exactly am I supposed to make it up to you?" Maura asked seductively as she ran her hands up Jane's sides under her t-shirt.
"I have some ideas," Jane said before kissing Maura hard.
Maura instantly responded with a moan, her body arching up into Jane's, trying to increase the contact between their bodies. Maura pulled Jane down so that she was lying on top of her. "What did you have in mind?" she asked between kisses.
"Um…" Jane hesitated.
Maura pulled back and brought her hand up to cup Jane's cheek. "What is it, Jane?" she asked softly, dropping the teasing tone.
Jane gave her head a little shake. "Nothing, never mind," she said before trying to kiss Maura again, but Maura stopped her gently.
"Jane, you can ask me whatever you want," Maura said, searching Jane's face. "You know that right?"
"Yeah, I…" she rolled off of Maura and moved up the bed, pulling Maura with her. "Let's have this conversation up here," she said as she settled with Maura in the middle of the bed. They were both lying on their sides, facing each other with their fronts pressed together and their arms around each other.
"I know I can say anything to you," Jane said quietly. "I don't really know why I got weird about it."
Maura brought her hand up to push Jane's curls off her face before she gently stroked her finger down Jane's cheek. "It's okay, Jane. I would never make you do anything you didn't want to, and I know that you would do the same for me. I do think we should talk about whatever crossed your mind though, but I won't push the issue if you don't want to."
"I..ah…I, um, thought that maybe…maybe you could…maybe you would wear the strap-on," Jane said the last part so fast that Maura barely caught it.
Maura kissed Jane lightly. "I would…I will," Maura started. "I've thought about it before, you know. I guess I was hoping to wear it a bit first, but I'm comfortable enough with the idea that I'm willing to try whatever you want. I do wonder what's making you uncomfortable about talking about it. We're you unsure about asking because you were unsure of how I would react or were you unsure if you actually wanted to try it?"
"I do want to try it – although maybe not tonight. I kinda feel like I ruined it. But I also wasn't afraid of your reaction. Like, I knew that you wouldn't be upset that I asked even if you didn't want to do it, and I would have been totally fine if you said no. So, I don't know what made me act weird."
"Can I suggest something?" Maura asked.
"Always," Jane said.
"I think we should try it, but not tonight. You didn't ruin the mood, Jane. You could never ruin the mood by being honest with me. But I think we should talk about it a little more until we're both equally comfortable with the idea. I'd also like to start slow because I am a little nervous. Maybe one night, I could just wear it during foreplay. Then, the next time, I could keep it on a little longer."
Jane nodded and smiled. "I like that idea. Actually, I think that mighta hit what I was feeling weird about," Jane said, thinking hard. "The first time I wore it, we went so fast, and that is absolutely what I needed. But we've always been different in that way. I think, on some level, I was afraid you would go fast again for me."
"Honestly, I would," Maura said. "Not because I felt pressured to. It's not that at all. I trust you so deeply and intensely…I've never once felt pressured to do something I wasn't comfortable doing. But both in life and in bed, we both have a tendency to put other people's feelings above our own. You do the same for me all the time."
"I get the difference," Jane said softly.
"I love you, Jane," Maura whispered before kissing Jane again. "I'm so sorry about everything that's happened over the last week, but how I'm feeling right now – how I've been feeling all day – just emphasizes to be that we can get through anything. I know we still have things to work on, but I have no lingering resentment or anger from our fight. I realize that I was really the one in the wrong, but…"
"You're right," Jane interrupted. "I feel the same. We're so much stronger together, even when we're at our worst." Jane kissed Maura before adding, "Like tonight," with a smirk.
Maura laughed. "Oh, my god, they really got you," she said through her laughter. "Honestly, I jumped too, but your reaction was absolutely priceless."
"Hey!" Jane pinched Maura's side, causing her to try to squirm away. "We're in big trouble though," she added, joining Maura's laughter. "I can't believe how convincing they were. Like, did they even set it up so that we'd watch Monsters, Inc tonight, or was that just a coincidence. And Sophie apparently didn't inherit your inability to lie."
"I know!" Maura agreed. "It makes me wonder what else she's lied about. Should we be worried?"
"About Sophie? No. About the four of them working together against us? Absolutely," Jane said.
Maura: October, Present Day
"Okay, so um, how're we supposed to do this?" Jane asked, her voice laced with anxiety. They had had their first couple's therapy appointment this week, and both of them had taken the day off on Friday so that they could spend the day together while the kids were at school.
"I don't think there's a right way or a wrong way to do this," Maura replied. "But Trina suggested that we try not facing each other at first. We could sit back-to-back." Maura wasn't sure how she felt about having a difficult conversation without being able to look at Jane, but their therapist's point about being able to focus solely on the other's words made sense. Still Maura wanted to at least be touching Jane. Maybe it was irrational, but it made her feel better.
Jane nodded and dropped onto the couch. She shifted so that she was sitting sideways on the couch with her back towards Maura's side of the couch. Maura quickly followed suite and leaned her back against Jane's.
After an awkward pause during which Maura stared at her hands in her lap, she said quietly, "We're supposed to talk about the times we were the most scared or afraid during out time apart – or the most upsetting times in general, I suppose." Maura pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them with her back still pressed against Jane's.
"I've thought about it a bit since our session," Jane admitted softly. "It…it made me sad. I know that sounds lame, but it wasn't even the events themselves that were making me sad. It was the fact that you weren't there. You know, everyone thinks that the worst day of your disappearance is the first day you were gone, and in some ways, it was, I guess. I was scared…I was terrified, but I had hope. I was going to do anything I could to find you. For me, the worst day was the day they told me you were in witsec. I know that's selfish. I shoulda just been happy that you were safe, and I was. I just…that was the moment I lost hope of ever seeing you again. I think up until that point, the fear was numbing the pain, but then, it felt like I had nothing left to distract me. Please don't think that I wasn't so incredibly grateful to find out that you were safe, Maura. I…"
"I know," Maura said through her tears. She reached her hand out behind her, and Jane instantly took it, threading their fingers together. "I don't think you're selfish. Not even close. Honestly, that makes sense because I remember how I felt when you were kidnapped. I was terrified, but you're right, I had hope."
Maura felt Jane nodding behind her.
"You know, the other day that I think a lot of people don't realize how hard it was is the day I adopted Emma and Finn," Jane continued.
Maura's breath caught in her throat as she momentarily returned to her years of fear that Jane would resent her for leaving the girls with her, but as soon as Jane started speaking again, she was once again blown away by how wrong she was.
"I will never understand how a single day can be one of the best days of my life and one of the worst," Jane said. "God, Maura, you have no idea how much it meant to me that you chose me. How much is means to me still. I was completely in love with them the second I laid eyes on them. No one can ever tell me that that feeling isn't the same as what I felt for Harper when she was born. Except, my body didn't hurt as much," Jane added with a laugh.
"But at the same time, I knew that was I was gaining, you were losing, and I hated that. I hated it so much," Jane said through a choked sob. "I felt so guilty for a really long time."
Maura couldn't stand it anymore. She turned and wrapped her arms around Jane, pulling the other woman into a bone-crushing hug. "Why…Jane, why would you feel guilty? I understand that you might be sad or upset for me. I know I feel that way when I know you're hurting. But what could you possibly have had to feel guilty about?"
Jane buried her face against Maura's chest and effectively curled into a ball in Maura's arms. Maura always felt honored when Jane allowed her to see her vulnerability, but this was a step beyond anything Jane had ever let her see before. She was holding onto Maura as though Maura was the only thing holding her together.
"Because I was happy. I was happy that they were mine. I was happy that they were here and that I got to be their mama."
"Oh, Jane," Maura whispered. She brought her hand up to cradle Jane's head as she kissed her hair. If it were possible, Maura would have sworn that she could actually feel the dam break inside of Jane. She could tell that Jane had been holding this in for years. "You have no reason to feel guilty. It's not like you were happy that they were with you instead of with me or that I wouldn't be there to see them grow up. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being happy about becoming a mother."
Maura wasn't even sure Jane was hearing her anymore. Jane's entire body was shaking as she sobbed against Maura. Maura could feel the warm tears soaking through her shirt, and it only made her hold Jane tighter. She ran her fingers through Jane's hair to try to comfort her, but otherwise, she just let Jane get it all out.
When she felt Jane starting to calm down, Maura shifted them so that she could take Jane's face between her hands. She kissed her hard, trying to infuse as much love as she possibly could into the kiss before she pulled back and looked Jane in the eye. "I wish I knew what to say to make you understand that you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about," Maura said. She paused and swiped her thumbs across Jane's cheeks to catch the tears that escaped Jane's eyes when she blinked.
Maura bit her lip as she thought about her next statement. "I have to admit that this conversation actually makes me very happy," she said. When Jane's face scrunched in confusion, Maura continued quickly, "Not that you're so upset or that you've felt guilty about this for so long. I hate seeing you this upset. Of course, I do.
"But do you know what else this tells me? It tells me even more how much you love our children. I didn't doubt your love for them for a second." She dropped her hands from Jane's face and grasped Jane's hands with her own before adding, "Even when I was being a bitch."
A hint of a smile tugged at Jane's lips at Maura's last comment, but it didn't last long.
"I actually didn't think it was possible to be more confident of your love for them, but somehow I am. Jane, I love that you were happy. All I ever wanted was for you and the girls to be happy. I haven't felt this way since being home, and I know I already told you this, but for so long, I was worried that you would resent me or be upset that I threw such a huge responsibility at you without you getting a say. I never thought that resentment would reach the kids, but I hated the fact that I made your life more difficult."
"I just can't imagine how terrible it must have been for you," Jane said as she leaned against Maura again.
Maura sighed. "It was," she said. "It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I have no doubt that it was the right choice. I shut down completely after I left the hospital that day. I think that that is the only way I survived. I just kept repeating to myself that they were so incredibly lucky. And they were…they are, Jane. They are so, so lucky to have grown up here with you. Most importantly, they have you, but they also have a large, warm, loving family. They will never know the kind of loneliness I felt as a child or in witsec, and I will forever be grateful for that.
"It will never not hurt, but I'd do it all over again just to get to where we are now. Do you remember when I first returned home?" Maura asked.
"Which part?" Jane asked softly.
"What Emma said to me when she first came downstairs," Maura said. "At the time, it hurt, but I've thought about it a lot since then, and now that moment feels entirely different to me. You told me at the time that you hated that that was our first interaction, but I'm not. Did part of me hope that they would throw themselves into my arms, happy to see me? Yes, a small part of me did, but I always knew that that was unrealistic. Besides, what happened was so much better."
"I don't really get it," Jane said.
"Their initial reaction showed me how happy, safe, and loved they felt," Maura explained.
"Uh, except they were crying, and Emma screamed at you," Jane reminded her. Maura couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped – it wasn't something she was likely to forget.
"I know," Maura said. "They were upset about the idea that the family that they loved so much might change, but they had everything they needed to not only be okay, but to accept me and Sophie with open arms. Jane, that was entirely because of you. Within, what, 30-45 minutes of getting here, I got to see how much they loved you and felt loved by you, I got to see them and Harper accept Sophie without hesitation, and I got a glimpse into how you kept me a part of their lives. Jane, I couldn't have wished for anything more than that.
"I missed them – and you – every single minute of every single day that I was gone, but you being happy to be their mom makes that time hurt just a little bit less, so please don't feel guilty."
"So much for not knowing what to say," Jane quipped, and Maura smiled before kissing Jane's head. After a pause, she added, "Can I show you something?"
"Of course," Maura replied as she started to stand.
"Wait, you should get a turn first," Jane said, pulling her back down. "I can show you after."
"Okay," Maura said as she tucked her feet underneath her body and leaned against Jane. She had honesty forgotten that they were even doing their 'homework.' Jane wrapped her arms around Maura's shoulders. "This wasn't what I had originally planned to talk about today, but after hearing yours…anyway, one day that hit me a lot harder than I had been expecting was your 40th birthday."
"Well, you were also pregnant and hormonal," Jane countered.
Maura turned her head to face Jane. "Maybe," she said. "But I don't think that that was really it." Maura dropped her head back against Jane's arm and the back of the couch so that she was looking up at the ceiling as she thought back to that day. "Jane, you…you were my best friend. You meant everything to me. Obviously, I knew right away what being in witsec would mean, but I think that day – your birthday – is when it really hit me that I would probably never see you again."
Maura lifted her head as tears started to cloud her eyes. "I also think it had a little to do with the fact that that day was and always will be your day in my mind. Up until that point, even though I knew that losing you was so much bigger than everything else I'd lost, I could sort of lump everything together. It was a defense mechanism. Thinking 'I lost everything' was somehow easier than thinking 'I lost Jane.'"
"Honestly, I get it," Jane said. "I mean, I'm not claiming to know how you felt, but…"
"I know, Jane," Maura whispered as she grabbed Jane's right hand in both of hers and gave it a squeeze.
"Do you want to share more?" Jane asked. "I feel like I took up all of our time."
"Not today," Maura said. "We'll do this again. But Jane, all of these stories are about both of us, so it isn't possible for you to take up all of the time."
"Yeah, I guess," Jane said, sounding unconvinced.
"Can we go see what you wanted to show me?" Maura asked.
Jane chuckled. "Yeah, come on. It's in the basement."
When they got to the basement, Maura stood back and watched as Jane pulled down Emma and Finn's boxes. Maura still hadn't gone through them, so she wasn't sure what Jane wanted to show her.
"Of course, they're on the very bottom," Jane mumbled as she dug through Emma's box. She eventually pulled out a smaller wooden box the size of a shoebox before switching to Finn's box from which she pulled out an identical smaller box. "We can take these back upstairs," Jane said as she handed them to Maura. "It's kinda cold down here." Jane put the larger boxes back on the shelf before taking the smaller boxes from Maura.
"The table might be easier," Jane said, carrying the boxes to the table before turning the light over the table on. She sat across from Maura instead of next to her. "These are their baby boxes," Jane said. "I mean, you can look at everything, but…hold on…"
Jane pulled one of the boxes towards her and started searching for something. She handed Maura a wrinkled envelope before looking in the other box.
"What are these?" Maura asked with a hint of nervousness in her voice as she looked at the two identical envelopes.
"Thank you letters," Jane said simply, and Maura's eyes snapped up to meet Jane's in surprise.
"What?"
"I…uh…they also have some things about each of the girls' first few days, but um, basically, they're thank you letters," Jane said nervously. "To you, I mean. In case that wasn't obvious."
"You want me to read them?"
"Well, only if you want…" Jane said, clearly unsure about Maura's reaction. "The first page is the same in both, but the second pages are different."
Maura nodded and opened the first envelope with shaking hands.
Dear Maura,
Today, our daughters are ten days old, and I swear, they've changed so much in such a short time. They are absolutely amazing. I can't believe how much I love them. Seriously, how is possible to love two little noses, twenty little fingers, and twenty little toes so much?! I don't really know what I'm trying to say. Mostly, I guess, I'm trying to say thank you, but those two words just don't seem like enough. My heart is breaking for you every single moment of every single day, knowing what you lost. I wish more than anything that I could hold you close and protect you from the pain, but since I can't I promise to hold these sweet baby girls close and to protect them with everything that I have.
Maura stopped reading for a moment as the tears got too thick to see through. She tried to wipe them away until she realized that what she really needed was to be closer to Jane, for Jane to hold her. She stood up without a word and walked around the table.
Jane looked up at her in surprise, but when she sat up, Maura slipped into her lap. Maura wrapped her arm around Jane's neck and rested her cheek against Jane's head as she sat sideways in her lap. Jane responded instantly by slipping both arms around Maura's waist and holding her tightly as Maura continued reading.
I wish I could find the right words to tell you how much it means to me that you trust me enough to love them. And I do, Maura. I love them so much. I'm also going to make sure that they know how much you love them. I promise to make sure that they understand that you gave up everything just to keep them safe. You are the strongest and most selfless person I've ever met, Maura Isles, and I love you and our daughters more than anything in this world. Please know that even though I adopted them, they will always be both of ours.
I'm not entirely sure if I've even slept a total of twenty hours in the last ten days. I'm exhausted, but I'm exhausted in the best way possible. I'm honored to be their mama. Don't worry, though, I have lots of help. Your mom flew out here immediately, and of course, ma has barely left my apartment. Everyone else has done what they can to help, too (I'm sure you're not at all surprised that my favorite help from everyone else is real food that I don't even have to warm up). Everyone here loves them so much, but no one here loves them more than me. Even though I find it hard to believe it's possible for anyone to love them more than I do, I know that you probably do, especially knowing what you've done for them. Alright, maybe we could share that title. 😊
I also wanted to tell you a little bit about them, but I wrote those things on separate pages. I named baby A Finley Grace Rizzoli and baby B Emma Angela Rizzoli. I hope you like their names. It's crazy how much they love each other. I guess, it kind of makes sense since they just spent nine months together, but I promise to always treat them as individuals instead of a unit.
I love you so much, Maura.
Love, Jane
Maura flipped to the second page in the first envelope.
Finley Grace Rizzoli
March 20, 2017, 8:52pm
6 pounds
19 inches long
Finley is quiet and sweet. She rarely cries unless her sister cries, but she always cries if Emma cries. She absolutely loves to look at everything around her. She lights up when she sees something new or fun, and the look on her face reminds me so much of you when you're excited. I know they're only ten days old, but I think that both of them are going to be smart like you.
Finley is a good little eater. I think she's determined to gain that extra ounce to catch up to her sister. She's not a big fan of tummy time, but she puts up with it.
I wanted to tell you more, but the girls are sleeping now, and I don't think I'm going to be able to stay awake much longer. I want to make sure I write about Emma before I go to bed. I've included a couple of pictures in the envelope.
Emma Angela Rizzoli
March 20, 2017, 10:04pm
6 pounds, 1 ounce
19 inches long
Emma isn't afraid to let me know what she wants. I'm pretty sure she's also figured out how to tell me what her sister wants, too. She hates getting her diaper changed. She seems just as smart as her sister, and she reminds me a lot of you, as well. They both do.
Emma loves to eat. She also really likes her sponge baths. I've also learned that she likes tummy time a lot better if she does it at the same time as her sister and can look at Finley. She's always kicking and moving around. Was she really active when she was in your womb? Okay, it's officially weird to write about your womb…and I did it twice!
Okay, sorry, back to Emma. She always wants to be able to see her sister. She cries when they're not near each other, which of course makes Finley cry because even when they're not next to each other, they're within hearing distance of each other.
I absolutely love getting to know both of them. I love seeing how different they are, but I also love seeing them interact with each other. I made sure to include a couple of pictures from tummy time and bath time.
Maura put the papers on the table before turning towards Jane. She wrapped her other arm around Jane and buried her face in the crook of Jane's neck. They held onto each other like that for a while, their occasional sniffles the only sounds in the room. Eventually, Maura lifted her head just enough to talk.
"I don't know what to say," she said thickly. "That was absolutely beautiful, Jane."
"You don't have to say anything," Jane whispered, bringing her hand up to cup Maura's cheek. Maura leaned into the touch for a few moments before leaning forward to capture Jane's lips in a soft, loving kiss. When they separated, she leaned her forehead against Jane's.
"I love you so much, Jane," Maura said quietly.
"I love you, too. I have for a long, long time," Jane replied. "Do you want to look at the other stuff in the boxes or do you want me to just put them back downstairs for another time?"
Maura thought about it for a moment before answering, "I'd like to look."
Maura: October 31, One Year Ago
"Let's change your diaper before we go," Maura said to her two-year-old.
"Mommy! No! Twick-o-tweat! Pease, mommy!" Sophie whined.
Maura sighed and nodded down at the adorable toddler dressed as Minnie Mouse standing in front of her. She knew that she was stalling. The truth was, she was terrified of taking her daughter trick-or-treating, but she had promised herself that she wouldn't let her fear stop Sophie from having normal childhood experiences.
The idea of going house to house, of her daughter 'meeting' a bunch of strangers, scared her, but she knew she was being irrational. There were tons of families out tonight, and they lived in a safe neighborhood. Sophie was getting to the age where Maura knew that she couldn't continue to keep her in such a small bubble. The last two years, Sophie hadn't understood the concept of trick-or-treating, so Maura had gotten away with just dressing her up and doing something fun at home just the two of them. She had even bought Sophie candy last year.
This year, though, all of the kids at Sophie's daycare were excited for trick-or-treating, meaning that Sophie wanted to experience the tradition as well. Maura had to push past the deep-seated anxieties that being in witsec had brought to her life at some point for the sake of her daughter; she might as well start with trick-or-treating.
She plastered a smile on her face. "Alright, Sophie, darling, do you have your candy bucket?" she asked.
"I'm Minnie Mouse!" Sophie corrected her mother. "Minnie has da candy bucket!" she added excitedly, holding up the pumpkin shaped plastic bucket to show Maura.
"Okay, let's go," Maura said, holding out her hand for Sophie to take. She held onto Sophie's hand as she locked their front door and centered the candy bowl in the middle of the porch for visiting trick-or-treaters.
Sophie dutifully held Maura's hand as they walked to the house across the street, but when they were halfway up the front walk, Sophie darted forward to join a group of kids already standing on the porch.
"Sophie!" Maura called out in a panic, but Sophie didn't hear her above the noise of the excited kids around her. Instead of calling out again and risking scaring Sophie or any of the other kids, she just hurried up to stand behind Sophie.
"Twick-o-tweat!" Sophie said when the woman holding the candy bowl looked at her.
"Oh, aren't you an adorable Minnie Mouse," the woman cooed as she dropped two pieces of candy into Sophie's bucket.
"T'ank you!" Sophie said happily.
"Thank you," Maura added quietly to the woman as she and Sophie turned to walk back down the sidewalk.
"Mommy! She called me Minnie Mouse!" Sophie said excitedly as she skipped along next to Maura. She was beyond ecstatic at the success of her first 'trick-or-treat,' and Maura couldn't help but feel some of her daughter's happiness.
Sophie only made it up and down their street before she became too tired to continue. While Maura would definitely consider tonight a success, she was grateful that they weren't out too late. In fact, Maura was surprised to find that they hadn't even been gone for an hour.
"Can I eat my candy, mommy?" Sophie asked as they walked in the house.
"You can have a piece for each year old you are," Maura said. "How many pieces is that?"
"I'm two!" Sophie answered excitedly, holding up two fingers. "I gets two candies?"
"Yes, you get two pieces," Maura replied, unable to stop herself from correcting Sophie's grammar.
"Yay!" Sophie said, stopping in her tracks to dig into her candy bucket.
Maura almost tripped over her daughter in the middle of the hallway. Maura laughed as she picked up Sophie and the candy bucket. "Let's get all the way inside, and look at what you got, okay? Why don't you spill out your candy on the table?" she suggested as she set Sophie in one of the chairs next to their kitchen table before turning on more lights.
"Mommy, look how much candy I got!" Sophie said in awe as the candy spread out all over the table.
"Aren't you a lucky girl!" Maura said, sitting next to her daughter. "Which two do you want?" she asked, grabbing a fun-sized pack of M&Ms for herself.
"Mommy, dats my candy," Sophie protested, looking at Maura with a look of innocent horror at her audacity.
"You're not going to share with mommy?" Maura asked.
"Okay, I'll share," Sophie acquiesced.
"Thank you, darling," Maura said as she opened the M&Ms. She leaned forward and kissed the side of Sophie's head as Sophie fished through her candy. "Did you have fun tonight?"
"Yeah," Sophie nodded without looking up from her candy haul. "I want these two," she added, holding up a fun-sized pack of sour-patch kids and a fun-sized Twix bar.
"I'm not sure if you will like the sour-patch kids," Maura said. "They're sour."
"Can I try?"
"Sure, if you don't like them, you can pick a different one," Maura agreed as she took the candy from Sophie to open it for her.
Sophie bit into a red sour-patch kid and instantly made a face. Maura couldn't stop herself from laughing at her daughter's reaction.
"Icky," Sophie said, handing Maura the bag.
"Okay, here, I'll open your other one, and then, you can pick a new second piece."
They sat together eating their candy at the table. Maura absolutely loved moments like this – moments where it was just the two of them enjoying their time together, moments when they felt like a normal family.
Maura: October 31, Present Day
Maura wouldn't trade her crazy family for the world, but she had to admit that getting one toddler ready for Halloween was infinitely easier than getting four over-excited, opinionated kids ready for Halloween. Luckily, they had gotten Harper and Sophie into their Anna and Elsa dresses before Emma and Finn got home on the bus. Otherwise, Maura was pretty sure they never would have all been ready before trick-or-treating started.
After a long conversation with Emma on Saturday, she had decided to still go as a Red Sox player. She wanted to be a sports player like her sister – Finn was going as a soccer player from a team Maura didn't know. Emma was still adamant that the other kids weren't teasing her – that they were just talking about their costumes – and Finn was still convinced that Emma should be offended. In the end, Maura and Jane just decided to keep a closer eye on both of their moods.
"Okay, that was really fun but also really exhausting," Maura said to Jane as they followed the kids back into the house.
"Wait, have you not tricker-or-treated before?" Jane asked as she helped Maura out of her coat before taking off her own.
"No, I have. I took Sophie last year. It was fun, but she was only interested in doing one street. I don't even think we were out for an hour," Maura said.
Jane laughed. "We never really got those days because when the girls were younger, we would go with TJ, and of course, he wanted to go forever. I definitely ended up carrying one or more kid every year for a while."
Maura followed Jane to the couch. All four kids already had their candy dumped on the floor. Emma and Finn were sorting theirs while Harper and Sophie just continued to show each other what they got despite the fact that it was basically all the same.
"How many can we have tonight?" Emma asked.
"Your age!" Sophie answered.
"You remember that?" Maura asked in astonishment.
Sophie clearly missed Maura's surprise. "Yeah, so I get three, Harper gets four, and you and Finn get…more."
"Six," Finn said.
"That's not fair! I get the less candy than everyone else," Sophie said with a pout.
"Well, you're the littlest," Harper said.
"You're little, too!" Sophie countered.
"Okay, hold on, no," Jane said, stopping the impending argument. She looked at Maura, and started to ask, "Do you…?"
"Whatever you think is best," Maura said quickly. Honestly, she really wasn't sure what the right answer was in this case. The age thing had seemed easy last year, but she had to admit that it didn't seem right for Sophie and Harper to get different amounts. She'd be fine with it, though, if that's what Jane decided.
"Alright, you each get four pieces," Jane said.
"But Finn and I are older!" Emma protested.
"And the next person that complains or argues loses a piece," Jane added.
"Fine," Emma huffed, turning back to her candy.
Maura watched as the girls each ate their candy. She was vaguely paying attention to how much each of them was eating, but she wasn't keeping track closely.
"Mmm, Soph, not that one," Finn said through a mouthful of chocolate.
"Why not?" Sophie said defiantly.
"Cus look," Finn said, picking up a piece from Sophie's pile. "This is the same kind, but it's bigger. So, you get more!"
Maura tried to hide her laughter behind her hand as she looked between the mini-Twix bar in Sophie's hand and the fun-sized Twix bar that clearly had two mini bars in Finn's hand.
"T'anks!" Sophie said excitedly, unceremoniously dropping the piece in her hand and taking the piece from Finn.
Jane leaned towards Maura and whispered in her ear, "See, trouble."
Maura laughed, but she didn't disagree. And she wouldn't have it any other way.
A/N: Sorry if you were disappointed with the way the bedroom scene ended, but I promise you'll get to see what you wanted to when they're ready.
Alright, I've committed. I added the total number of chapters to AO3. There are 15 chapters left, for a total of 76 chapters. I expect we'll end around 325k words* (that's an estimation – it's not fully written, just outlined in excruciating detail lol).
*Excluding author's notes, which are included in word counts on FFN (FFN also adds to the wordcount for those lines between sections, so I've found that overall FFN word counts are just way off).