Kingdom Come Undone

by secretpen28

When Emily and Alison's eyes meet across a crowded banquet hall, neither of them know their connection or future impact on one another. A tale of love, loss, and the lengths any couple would go to meld two separate lives into one. A completely AU story. T for lang.

23. Made For Me

A/N: Whew. I have literally been planning and perfecting this chapter since posting the last one. This has been a one-month labor of love, and I hope the vision I had for it pays off. There may still be some minor tweaks because it is just me. But I hope you all enjoy this one. It is packed from top to bottom with crucially important back stories, cute Emison fluff, and conversations some of you guys may have been waiting for. :) Thank you for your support. Always.

Buckle in for 17,000+ words :)

---

Light reflected off of the front windows in the pitch black before me, causing me to pull my eyes from the gravel road I was turning into. My mind retreating from the haze I had been in the last hour of our drive, as was typical during times of deep emotional stress. Hidden stress.

"Sweetheart?" I sing-songed next to me, reaching to the right to rub my hand up and down her arm, "We're here, baby."

It hadn't taken long after Alison suggested a mini-vacation that she had it fully booked. A short Saturday night through Monday afternoon trip for the two of us at Deep Creek Lake a few hours outside of Baltimore. Nothing extravagant but enough of a break to re-center. Enough for a pause in the headache surrounding my brain. The thoughts and memories and stressors that I shoved down for momentary increments of time. That only bubbled up when given the opportunity for reflection. For now, it would wait. It would be distracted by the only person capable of distracting me these days.

As I parked, Alison barely moved next to me, completely passed out in the passenger's seat. She had a hell of a week even with Alicia's help from mid-morning until dinner. Even with my assistance from dinner through the next morning. Jacob needed care consistently, and during the time she wasn't taking care of him, she was juggling taking care of herself with everything involved in being a parent, girlfriend, co-parent, and daughter. At night, she tossed and turned, keeping one eye and ear open for the slightest sign of Jacob needing help. All she needed this weekend was peace and quiet that she greatly deserved.

Walking around to her side of the car, I opened the door delicately and brushed hair out of her eyes. "Ali, let's wake up." I placed a short kiss on her forehead, reaching across her waist to unbuckle her seatbelt. "I'll go put the code in the door and bring our bags in. Go on and head to bed."

Her eyes opened slowly as she turned in her seat. Her smile brightened underneath the wave of lights streaming from the front of the house. "We made it?"

"We did. And with time to spare before your usual 10:30 curfew."

Her hand slinked around my waist as we walked to the front door, "Curfews don't apply to vacation."

"They don't?" I reached forward to type in the code as Alison leaned against me.

As the door swung open, Alison turned into the house, walking sloppily backward while calling me forward toward her. "In fact, if I remember the pictures of the house well enough, I think we should plan a little date in the Jacuzzi on the deck tonight?"

"In the cold?" I reached my fingers for hers as she teased me into the living room.

She laughed, "Oh damn, we'd have to cuddle." Alison dropped my hand while turning to the raised ceilings of the swanky little cabin we had rented, "I'll go turn it on in the back while you grab our bags. Okay, Emmy?"

Alison blew me a kiss as I went back to the trunk to grab our things. Despite all the events of her week, all of the ups and downs, she forever made time for us. She was the lived out embodiment of 'I'll sleep when I'm dead'. Alison had spent so much time in the darkness of her own life after her divorce, I figured that since feeling fully lucid she wanted to make every new memory she could.

As I sunk into the hot tub less than 30 minutes later with an open bottle of champagne in tow, Alison pushed her feet off of the bottom step to swim toward me. Water dripped down the bottom of her face as her hand raced up my thighs to lift herself against me.

Her right hand wrapped around the neck of the champagne bottle as she brought it to her lips, "Are we celebrating tonight?

I circled my fingers around her wrist, still placed on my thigh beneath the water. Sliding further into the water to get out of the cold, I whispered, "What would we have to celebrate?"

"Take your pick. We can celebrate everything, or nothing at all. I was simply inspired by the champagne."

She settled into the seat next to mine as we both faded lower and lower around the bubbles rising to meet us. Until only our faces remained above the water. Until the echoing air created by our breath in the midnight sky was the only thing visible in front of us other than each other, "Maybe we start with how amazing you look in this bikini?" I smiled into her neck, kissing her with sincerity, "That's worthy of a celebration to me."

Alison giggled, "I must say that I agree with your compliment there tonight. My décolletage is definitely enhanced in this yellow top."

"Mmm. Definitely one of my favorite parts of your body. And yes, it does look great tonight, as it always does." My palms settled on her lower back as she nestled her body in the crook of my legs, my eyes grazing over her visible curves.

She smirked, kissing me lightly, "You know, the commentary of you saying 'one of my favorite parts' indicates that you might actually have a favorite."

"I do." I said it very matter-of-factly and quickly enough that I realized it may have sounded rude, "I mean, besides literally how gorgeous you always are. I'm talking like hidden favorites."

She blushed, nodding, "No, I understand. I have a favorite too." Alison shivered into my fingers tracing lines up and down her spine. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

"Mmm!" I hummed delightfully while pulling back from her, a frown appearing on her face from the sudden lack of contact, "Sorry Ali, but you'll have to stand for mine. Potentially on a step?"

"A step? In the cold?"

"Yeah, it's on your left leg. Well, hip. You'll get to come right back into me, babe." Alison looked over her shoulder as she climbed up the bottom two steps until her leg was barely raised from the water. "That should be good. It's right… here." I rolled down the side of her swim suit to about half way down her hip.

Though a commonly unknown after effect of pregnancy except to those who had been through it before or doctors themselves, varicose veins tended to stay behind as a reminder of what your body had been through. Small and twisted on the surface level of skin, commonly resembling small bolts of lightning, Alison's lower stomach, hips, and thighs displayed a small smattering of them left. I assumed through the patterns I had traced in her skin that a majority had faded over the past 8 years. An infrequent reminder of the strain placed on her body. But there, on her left hip was one little horizontal vein. Inconsequential to most and probably even Alison. But to me…

"It's the cutest thing." I mumbled, tracing my thumb over the two-inch line while looking up at her.

She twisted her body attempting to see it, "That vein? That little squiggle?"

I nodded, before leaning forward to kiss it, "The rest of you is perfect, you know? Your dimples. Your eyes. Your ass. Your – "

"Okay, Emily, I understand." She laughed before settling back into the water.

"I'm only being honest." I raised my hands in defense, "It's like this. You know how we never see ourselves, right? Not really. We may see a photo or a reflection in the mirror. But I have never seen myself the way that you see me." Alison's head cocked to the side, "Like you've never had the pleasure of seeing the smile that pours out of you when you talk about Jacob. You don't get to experience the way that the blush on your cheeks slowly maneuvers its way into your dimples and down your neck. The beauty contained in the pockets of your eyes when they gleam into a sunset. All I know about you is your beauty. But that squiggle, as you called it, represents to me all of your perceived imperfections about yourself. I know you struggle with your C-section scar and the weight that you claim to be unable to lose despite looking amazing no matter what you wear or what you weigh. But to me, they all amount to that squiggle. A piece of you that you most likely have never noticed. It's my favorite because it's imperfect. It's imperfect, and you don't even know it's there. You and me, the world, we spend so much time worrying about the things we deem to be imperfect. But what you find to be imperfect are all of the pieces and parts of you that I crave. So, I love that squiggle. Because it's a perfect imperfection. One you've never noticed but that I have adored since I first noticed it. It's beauty you don't see when literally every part of you is beautiful." I paused, running my thumb against its perceived spot to me under the water. "So yeah… that's my favorite."

"Come here."

She ushered, lifting my legs to lace around her waist. Her left hand stayed steady, holding me underneath her as her right hand settled on the back of my neck, pulling me into her. Her lips moved with purpose, groaning into me as our tongues connected. She walked us backward until her upper back could relax against the wall, sinking down to keep as much of my body in the water as possible. I tightened myself around her, my hand groping her torso as we kissed. She wasn't cautious or slow as usual. Instead, she moved her body and lips against mine desperately as though my words were something she had been waiting to hear her entire life. Sucking on my bottom lip as we took a short breath, her lips immediately moved to the curve of my neck. She kissed openly, allowing her tongue to barely trace against my skin before continuing down to my collarbone. I could feel my breath growing heavy, my hand placed on the back of her head prompting her to continue for as long as she desired. As Alison reached the base of my neck, she briefly sucked on my pulse point before licking up my jugular toward my ear. The series of movements followed by the husk of her breath falling into my ear, sent chills throughout my body as I sighed out her name. Goosebumps covered me head to toe as her hands left their positions to scan up and down my arms while pulling away.

"That's my favorite." She whispered, kissing just to the side of my lips.

My shot pupils looked at her widely. My legs drifted back down to the floor from her waist. My breath still jagged and lapsed. "What?"

"I told you I'd show you mine if you showed me yours… I got a little carried away hearing everything you said. I mean, God, if you weren't already exuding sex appeal. But, that's my favorite: every time I give you goosebumps, you sigh my name in a way that drives me fucking insane. That combo? The goosebumps and my name? My favorite thing about you, 100 percent."

I exhaled, still trying to cool down, "I thought – " My hands reached to pick my long hair off the back of my neck to let the cold air hit it.

"Awh…" Alison slid closer to me, pressing herself against me as her hands settled around the back of my neck, "I'm sorry for teasing you; it wasn't intentional. And thank you for your words, baby. Even if I'm not the most confident in my body all the time, it makes me feel incredibly good that you're confident in it."

Dropping my hair and sinking my hands back underneath the water, I pulled my fingertips up her sides from her upper thighs to the tops of her shoulders, "Oh, I'm confident in it, Alison." And as my fingers pulled back, I attempted the sigh she had previously described.

Alison raised her finger, "Eh, close. But no, not the same." She shrugged, laughing at me now being visibly upset. "It's the combination. And it has to happen without you thinking about it. If you're in your head, it won't sound the same. Like, it's linked to the fact that you say my name instinctually as if you're just taking another breath."

She mimicked my earlier movements, wrapping her legs around my waist as her hands re-linked behind my neck. Resting her forehead on my shoulder, I slowly spun us around through the water, now enjoying the difference between the nip in the air and heat radiating off of the hot tub. "I love you, Ali."

Her eyes dreamily looked up at me before leaning forward to barely lick the tip of my nose, tightening her forearms around the back of my neck so that we were impossibly close to one another. "I love you, too, Emmy. Always."

"You know what I'm most excited for over the next few days?" Alison's head tilted to the right as I continued, "Talking. Just uninterrupted hours of us." I kissed her lips briefly, "It's how I know that we're doing well, you know? I could spend all weekend getting to know you more. Asking you any and every question on the tip of my tongue. It's all I ever want for us, for us to never stop learning each other."

She nodded, "I completely agree. I have no questions about us, and I'm secure in knowing that whenever we have our check-in this weekend that all it will do is bring us closer. And I don't know how many times I can tell you that I've never had that before. This. I've never had security; I've never had the innate knowledge that I am unconditionally loved."

"Without question." My body settled on the back of the jacuzzi as I rested Alison on my upper thighs. My left hand rested on her torso while caressing her skin back and forth. Alison duplicated my cuddling as her fingers intertwined in the hair on the nape of my neck and the strap of my swimsuit.

"Anything in particular you had wanted to ask? I said this from the beginning, but you can ask me whatever you'd like."

I chuckled, a question immediately coming to mind, "Most of my questions are innocent. But one I've always just wanted to hear the answer to..." I hesitated, kissing her cheek for increased assurance, "When we met in October, I made first couple moves. With my eye glance, the cheers, buying you a drink, asking you to dance. I've just always wanted to know what you would've done if I hadn't done those things? I mean, I caught your eye regardless." A small blush reached my cheeks at the vulnerability of the question.

"You did." She smiled, lovingly, "You definitely did."

It moved me how thoughtful she was being. Alison paused for a long time, finding her words while still looking directly at me. I watched as her eyes peaked upwards on their edges. Her grin ebbing and flowing as she processed through that evening.

After a few more seconds, Alison chuckled, "It's funny, you know? I would say that we're both confident people in different areas of our lives. But you were far more confident the night we met than I would say you are in our relationship day to day."

"Probably overcompensation."

"Maybe? But it makes it trickier for me to attempt to do the opposite, now. Imagining a world where you weren't confidently pursuing me is hard. And honestly, I'm not even entirely sure if I've ever pursued a girl I was interested in. I've always been more shy when it comes to girls."

I nodded, connecting my hands behind her lower back to help secure her in conversation. To let her know that in her own vulnerability, I wasn't going anywhere. "That makes sense with coming to terms with your sexuality."

"Yeah, I'm sure that's it. And in the setting of the gala and its publicity, I'm just sure I would've been more hesitant."

"I mean, you looked at me pretty unabashedly, Alison."

"Baby, hesitancy doesn't mean that I don't have eyes! You're far and away one of the most stunning people I've ever met." She cupped the side of my face, "I mean, there's no way I wasn't going to come and talk to you. Even if you never looked up at me, I would've come up to the bar. Like I told your parents, I instantly knew that you were someone worth knowing." My face softened as she continued to speak, loving her detailed recollections, "But if you hadn't recognized me as well, if you hadn't let me know that you saw me too, I think I would've been shy. Most likely, I would have ordered my drink next to you at the bar and then asked you a question about the event." Her right hand had fallen to my back as she aimlessly played with the string around my bikini top, nervously fumbling as though the same would have been true with her making the first move. "And then, when you replied, I would've complimented the light of your eyes. How they effortlessly connect with your smile, just so I could've seen you smile again."

"Awh, your shyness right now is so cute." I pulled her closer to me as I met her in a kiss. Delicately forceful while allowing my lips to linger on hers. Her hand, still on my cheek, gripped the side of my face, bringing me in with a soft moan. Nipping at her skin while retreating, I slid the tip of my fingers into the top hem of the back of her swimsuit bottoms, soothing her skin while continuing to stare. "Would you have gotten my number that night?"

She looked up in thought once again, "I'm not much of a dancer on my own, so there's a chance we wouldn't have made it to the dance floor and wouldn't have run into Emmanuel and his wife."

"You're right. There's a chance you wouldn't have known what I do by the end of the night at all. Are you saying that's a yes then?"

"I just can't imagine a world where I met you, you maybe even lightly flirted with me, and I didn't attempt to go for it. Maybe it's because of where we're at now. But even though I was nervous, it took me less than 30 second to know that letting you go was the dumbest decision I could ever make. So yeah, Emmy, I'd like to think that I would be confident enough to ask for your number, or even ask you out for food that same night."

"Could you imagine if our first date was the night of the gala?"

"Of course. I'm extremely confident in the fact that I would do my life a thousand times over to make it to you. Whatever it took. Whatever ridiculous steps I had to take to be in your life for any amount of time, I think I would do them. So as much as I'm grateful that you were so confident and persistent and poised, I knew from the time you told me your name that night that it would be nearly impossible to let you go. Even though I was nervous and even though I ran away, hearing your name felt like I could finally catch my breath. As though every moment before then was suffocating."

"I remember." I interrupted, "I remember you saying my name for the first time extremely clearly. Because I knew then that if you were the only person to ever say my name for the rest of my life, I'd be content. You said it like it was the first word you had ever learned. Like it was the only word you ever wanted to continue knowing." Alison shivered in the water, causing me to bring water up from the tub to cover her shoulders that were barely peeking out into the chilled air, "Hanna said the same thing last month, too." I smiled as her ears obviously perked up, "She mentioned that when you first told her about me that you said my name like Hanna should've already known it. As if she was meant to be on board with your perceived destiny from the get-go. You always say my name with purpose; it's probably why you love hearing me say yours the same way."

She leaned forward, slowly tracing her bottom lip against the pulse point of my neck. Alternating between soft puckers and swirling her tongue against my skin, Alison wrapped her forearms tightly around the back of my head as I cupped her back passionately. Her back arched against my chest while removing her lips from my neck to whisper, "The fact that somehow our worlds crossed for any amount of time makes me the most fortunate woman in the world, Emily."

There it was. My name again, and she said it the same as she did the first day we met. "You did it again."

"I know I did, baby." She kissed my cheek before whispering in my ear once again, "Can I tell you a secret?" I nodded against the side of her face, causing her to continue, "I know it's only been a few months. But being here, with you, like this, there isn't a doubt in my mind."

She pulled away to lean against my forearms, keeping her hands wrapped around me. Her lips curled at the edges before biting the side of her bottom lip. In fact, it appeared as though tears were coming to the edges of her eyes. Alison reached up to wipe the corner of her left eye before reaching over her shoulder to grab one of my hands.

"You okay, Ali?"

She nodded rapidly, lacing our fingers together at our sides. Raising our handhold, Alison kissed the back of my hand, "Yeah, Emmy." She inhaled, nervously, "I'm sorry. This feels harder than like even telling you that I love you."

Keeping our hands together, I kissed her gently to relieve the stress building inside of her. "You're okay." I whispered, pulling away.

"I just – I just want you to know that you're my best friend." Her eyes fell down sheepishly as my heart soared into my chest, causing my head to gently fall against hers.

"What?" My voice raised in pitch as I let our hands go to raise her chin toward me.

Tears fell from her eyes without trepidation. "You are. You're my best friend, baby. I trust you so, so much, and just our conversation tonight… You ease any and all fears, and I can just be with you. No thinking involved."

"Yeah." I nodded, reaching up to wipe her tears as my eyes slowly started filling with tears as well. "You're mine, too."

Alison appeared to be surprised by my reply, "Yeah?"

"Of course." I wrapped a link of her hair around my finger. "Why are you crying, sweetheart?"

She laughed, "Why are you?"

"Because you are!" I hugged her, sweetly, spinning us slowly around the hot tub. "You're so fucking adorable. You're crying at me being your best friend? You're okay, baby; I'm right here!" Her head fell against my shoulder as she continued crying, "Cutie! You're okay!" I laughed again, trying to comfort her. Rubbing her upper thighs, I worked on setting her back down. "Hey, look up at me. I know these are happy tears."

She nodded up at me, tears still falling as I kissed her cheeks repeatedly, "They are happy. I think it's just my period. I'm just overwhelmed."

"Okay…" I smiled, holding her upper arms in the water as she wiped her face, "You're allowed to cry. You wanna go inside? We can take a shower? Maybe I can start a small fire before bed? We can cuddle and get ourselves together?"

Alison curled into me, "Yeah…"

"Okay, baby. Give me one second, I'll help you get out. Let me grab your towel." I shivered hopping out of the Jacuzzi into the midnight air. "Don't worry, beautiful. No coldness for you." Extending out my hand, I lifted Alison out of the hot tub to immediately wrap her in a towel. "You got it?"

"Emmy, you haven't even grabbed yours yet!"

I looked over my shoulder while placing the towel over my shoulders, "Gotta take care of the bestie, you know?"

"Quit being cute…" She mumbled as I opened the sliding glass door.

"Come here. Kiss?" I whispered to her approaching me from the right. She smirked, kissing me softly, "I love you."

"Nothing attached."

---

Alison fell back asleep almost immediately after our shower. Both of us in simple sports bras and shorts, her head rested on the center of my chest with our hands interlocked to my side. Though I loved our conversation, it partially wracked my brain. Without a question Alison was my best friend. It went without needing to be said. But it also terrified me because it was just another thing I potentially stood to lose.

I can never escape the thought of loss. The idea of losing all that I know and all that I love. Because once you experience loss of that magnitude once, it's all that you think you deserve. No matter what Alison could ever say. It wasn't up to her; it was up to me. And all I could do with the added pressure of being Alison's best friend is start the potential grieving process ahead of time. And so as I laid wide awake, all I attempted to do was not let grief become me. But all my mind was able to do was ruminate. Over and over again.

There are things no one tells you about grief. Things that our society deems unnecessary to tell its next victim because 'we all have to learn about it some time.' The first thing I learned was that grief wasn't about death at all. Not really. Sure, I've grieved death. But more than that, more than grieving the passing of my actual relatives, I grieved their absence. Grief is coming to terms with absence. With a hole, now gone, never able to be refilled because no one will be them. I grieved the blank spaces in our future memories. Spots on shelves I had built to last my entire life, only half full. Parts of me that I prepared for eternity, left behind to sit empty. Lessons and moments where I was meant to learn and carry and grow that would never become a reality.

Even though I hated to say it, I grieved Ash.

Not for the time we were together but the time that would never come to be. I grieved the good in us. The parts of us that broke in the process. I grieved how she saw me. Because if I was worth leaving behind, what am I actually worth at all?

Beyond the physical and visual grief though, I learned that grief is cyclical. At first, it's constant. It haunts you like a dream, breathing down your throat to prevent you from screaming. But soon, you forget. Sometimes only for a moment. But overtime, grief begins to fluctuate. It pops up in pockets of time. In passing restaurants or street corners, or the way you hear your name shouted across an open area by a stranger. It lurks, waiting for the guard to drop just enough to pounce. And this is the part of grief that stuck with me the longest. It's the reason the past few weeks had made me increasingly more jumpy. Why I internally questioned Alison in our kitchen. Why I pictured the worst when Alison only meant to move us forward.

Because February 26th was cyclical. The day she abandoned me was cyclical. It returned like clockwork to haunt and lurk and pounce and breathe.

But even that doesn't actually equate the burden I carried through the end of January, because it discredits how much I missed it. Not her. But that time. Realizing what love actually feels like, not the surface level shit that was felt in high school. Real and palpable and world-shattering love. Your first lover and best friend. The first person you are ever able to see forever with. That moment you finally understand that forever with one person would always outweigh even a day without her. My relationship with Ashton may not have ended well, but at the time of our breakup, I had been with her for almost a third of my life. And we were happy. When I walked through the weeks leading up to the memory of heartbreak in present-day, I mostly remembered our happiness.

---

My footsteps quickened rounding the third staircase up to our apartment. The sweatshirt I left with at the start of the day for labs was beginning to become too heavy in the face of a March afternoon in Austin. It was almost time. Not just for me but for tens of thousands of medical students around the nation. Friday night would take on a whole new meaning come 3 pm. We were either celebrating with liquor or with despair. So as I opened our front door, I took one last gulp of fresh air before stepping into the space where life was changing one way or another.

Our loft apartment had become a haven over the past year here. We had been able to decorate and add and subtract exactly as we wanted. It's where we each felt fully seen and heard. A place of complete belonging. I opened the front door to find my favorite lavender essential oils filling the kitchen, immediately sending me into a state of relaxation. As I walked further into the space though, she is caught my eye more. Because in the middle of our living room was a lump covered into a white blanket, slowly moving back and forth.

"I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna – ooh! You're so big. Such a big boy. Get my hand, Cas. C'mon, get – "

"Ash?" I called out, smiling as I leaned against the pantry door at her effortless adorability. "Sweets?"

The increased volume in my voice, caused her to poke her head from the side of the blanket, "Yes?" Her eyes were wide while a small pout crossed her lips as if caught in a compromising position. Casper wasn't far behind her, popping his head from around the side of her elbow and biting her forearm.

"Whatcha doing there?" I shook my head walking toward her.

She popped right up from her spot, throwing a small cat toy Casper's way before wrapping the blanket around her back, "He's gotta pick up some of his natural hunting instincts, Ems. It would be a disservice to just baby him all day." She turned her head to speak in a whisper, "Don't tell him this, but babying actually is on the schedule later tonight after dinner."

"You don't say?" I smirked as Ashton extended the blanket out in front of her to wrap it around us both to sway in the kitchen.

"I mean, I just said to not say, so…"

Standing just barely shorter than me, I loved the way she always stood on her tiptoes to kiss me. Her arms enveloped my back, trailing her fingers up my spine as her sweet and slow kiss manifested into something deeper and more needy. A need that hadn't subsided over the course of our four year relationship. A desire linked between fingertips.

"You ready, Ems?" She cupped the back of my head while looking at me intently. The worry dissipated nearly instantaneously behind her eyes.

My head barely shook 'no', "I honestly thought I might pass out before I walked in here. Maybe we can sit here in this moment and never find out."

Ashton kissed my temple gently before walking into the kitchen and pouring hot water from our electric kettle into a mug. "No can do. If there is one thing we have to do today, it's figure out where in the hell we'll be next year." She looked up with the sincerest of smiles gracing her lips while opening the tea packet to start its soak.

"So, you're still in for next year?"

"You always ask like you're unsure. Emily, relax." Her arms fell to her side before stretching her left arm across the island to barely link the tips of our fingers together, "Physical therapists can move anywhere, and I'm willing to go anywhere that involves you being right next to me. Especially for a future you're so passionate about. I'm there every step of the way."

"I love you." I whispered between us as she reached behind her to place the cup of tea she made in front of me.

Already turned around to face the cabinets, she looked over her shoulder, "Any honey or lemon today?"

"Honey, please."

Without asking further, she squeezed my perfect portion of honey into my mug, stirring it briefly with the spoon already in the cup, "There you are, Ems." She winked while placing the spoon into the sink and turning back around, "I love you too, by the way. Time to log-in?"

She poured herself her second or third cup of coffee of the day before walking behind our couch where I was already seated to stare over my shoulder.

The ticking of the clock consumed us while I quietly clicked into the NRMP website for the listing. After over a year long process including applications, interviews, and sleepless nights, I had been notified on Monday that I had been placed at one of my top choices. But those extended from Yale to Berkeley and back to UT Austin. Our future hanging in the balance of a refreshing screen. Ashton settled on top of the back of the couch behind me, circling a lone finger in the palm of the hand I had resting on my shoulder. She knew to remain quiet. That any words would be muddled by the speeding sound scrambling through the eaves of my brain. She understood my obsessive nature. My ability to lose myself the moment before the pieces fell together. Comfort found in the answer. Peace discovered in the solution.

Opening the final log-in page, Ashton readjusted herself to be kneeling on the ground. I looked over my shoulder causing her to lean forward for a short kiss. As we pulled away, she whispered, "Baby, it's time."

"I don't think I can do it, A." My eyes opened desperately, letting her know that I couldn't turn back to the screen.

Her lips pressed against my temple once more, my eyes closing against the serenity beside her. "You can though; I know you can." My head shook back and forth, a choking feeling creeping up into the back of my throat. "Okay, okay. How about this? You click the button and just watch me? I'll look for you."

I exhaled into the flecks of brown smattered in her light green eyes. "You sure?"

"Are you?"

My nod left me before I could even process her question. The click of my forefinger my only answer. I pulled my head back to watch Ashton carefully as her blinks processed it all. But as I stared, the reflection of the screen in her pupils became smaller and smaller. At first, I thought it was due to my lack of focus, but it was because the view was becoming muddled. In her tears.

She licked her lips, raising her thumb to wipe a drop from her tear line. A short gasp escaped, "Is it bad?"

Ashton's mouth opened, but no words left. Her head shook rapidly to not betray me, "No, not at all. You got it."

"I what?" My head snapped forward only to see '1. The University of Texas at Austin – Dell Medical School'. It's all I saw. Pixels swarmed the rest of the black and white area surrounding those words. We were staying; we were already here. "No fucking way…"

"You got it!" She squealed, kissing up the back of my neck behind my ear.

My head fell against her forearms which were effortlessly draped around my neck from behind, "I got it, Ash. I got it." Tears gingerly fell as full breaths hit my lungs for the first time in months. "We're not going anywhere." Her hands rubbed up and down my arms as the news settled in my spine.

After a few moments, I finally stood, turning toward Ashton who was already ready for what came next. My feet pranced excitedly before I ran toward her to jump into her arms. "I'm so fucking proud of you. So fucking proud." I tucked my head into her shoulder as her forearms crossed across the back of my scalp. Her hands resting delicately on the top of my head, as if covering me from head to toe in pride.

Spinning around that living room, Casper watching us from his new-found spot in the corner of our over-sized chair, there was a moment that passed my vision in realization. Curled into her right now, feeling the security in her arms, the strength she contained holding space for my dream between us. This memory was ours. The accomplishment was mine, but Ash was just as much a part of this as me. All of our time and dedication and focus leading to what we both had worked so hard for. For the next step we both saw before us. And because of all that, we would forever be linked through this time. Peace settled through me knowing she would always be with me. That this would always be shared with us. A life-changing, future-leading, time-bending moment. Her grasp. Her security. Her whisper. Forever a part of me.

I had been right. She would forever be a part of that moment, while I remained unable to separate the highlight reel from her. Even as time passed in and out, I struggled to figure out a way to cut her from the memory because I still saw it through her eyes. Literally saw the page refresh in the glow of her irises. It was impossible to divert because her pride was the first thing I felt. Her tears the first thing I saw. Her words the first I heard. Celebrations all up and down the start of my medical career deterred and devastated because in them, she was an impossible part to forget.

---

But the hands on me now felt lighter. The stakes less severe. The moment not as palpable, but ever as important. My eyes stayed closed trying to decipher where I was. The light shining into my face was from a different angle. The sheets on my body heavier than the ones I thought I had left behind. But I remembered her lips, and the way they lingered up my side from the night before.

"Breakfast is ready, Emmy." She whispered against my neck, having worked her way up from my waist. "I let you sleep in knowing how tired you must have been following work and then driving us here last night. But it's time to wake up. Vacation awaits." Her tongue gently swiped across my bottom lip as my face turned toward her. "There you are." Her voice remained calm as I returned the kiss, feeling her hand crawling up my torso. "Good morning, best friend."

"Morning, best friend." I finally returned her words, fluttering my eyes open to seek the blue of Alison's eyes. The heaviness of every memory resettling onto shoulders the moment my mind returned to reality.

"I love your sleepy face. How are you this morning?" Her left hand moved up to hold the side of my face as I spun underneath her.

I sighed, my heart swelling underneath her for the first time that day. "Good." My hand settled on her lower back as she straddled my left leg, cuddling into me, "What's for breakfast?"

"French toast. Eggs. Fruit." She paused, looking up at me from lying on my chest. Her hand rested underneath her chin as she continued, "We can go to the table, or we can eat in bed. What's your pick?"

"Table." I smiled, leaning up to kiss her again. "What plans do we have again?"

"None." She replied, "Well, nothing explicitly planned, but I don't know about you. This seems pretty ideal for the next 24 hours."

I chuckled, tucking hair behind her ear, "You know I'd lay here forever if that's what you asked of me. It's inevitably one of the perks of being absolutely in the middle of nowhere for two days." Despite the understanding of breakfast being on its way to becoming cold, we both stayed in our positions, looking at one another endearingly. No intention of moving if not pushed to do so.

The tips of her fingers extended and retracted next to her chin, butterflying her touch across my chest affectionately, "What were you dreaming about last night?"

She whispered the question into my sternum which made me nervous. The hand resting on her lower back, moved up her ribcage slowly, spreading my fingers from the front of her torso to the back. Reassuring whatever preconceptions Alison's question contained.

"The way that some of my life's biggest celebrations have been permanently stained no matter what I try to do." It was honest, but I bit my lower lip to hide the gulp traversing down my windpipe. "Why do you ask?"

She breathed out through a small purse in her lips, shaking her head briefly while speaking, "It's really not a big deal. I mean – I mean, even your description there explains it. But, uh, when I got up this morning – for breakfast, you know? You were smiling as you turned over to face me. So, I leaned forward and kissed your cheek." Her hand raised, touching a spot just beneath my right eye. "Right here. And I told you I loved you before ghosting over your lips just enough that I could feel them pucker a little bit." Her grin let me know she had done this before. Enjoyed the small power she still held over me even in sleep. "Your smile grew a little bigger and your hand opened as if seeking me, but then – " Her eyes dropped back to my chest, " – you whispered 'Ash' and hummed." I gripped her torso with my palm, ushering myself up with my left elbow in attempts to explain. But, she continued speaking, "No, Emmy, it's okay. I've had dreams about Carter since being with you; I get it. I'm not upset or anything. I was just surprised that you held onto memories of her that still make you smile like I make you smile. Like when you said her name, I felt like I was intruding."

"Let me – "

Her palm rested flush on me, "Emily, please don't. I don't care if you kissed her or reminisced or whatever the fuck. It made me realize that as much as I want to learn about her to learn about you… I don't really want to learn about you together. How she took care of you. The ways she made you happy. I don't like thinking about someone else giving you the same feelings I do. I'm telling you to be honest with you, and let you know that you can tell me as much or as little as you feel you need to."

I smirked at her slight jealously seeping through. "So tell you anything and everything other than the positive?"

"Well, no." She kissed just below my breast, "I want to hear the positives." Alison groaned, "Okay, can we use your dream as an example?"

"Oh." My head tilted, "Now, you'd like to hear about the dream?"

Her short laugh made me lean forward to kiss her forehead, "For scientific purposes."

"Okay, okay." I linked my left hand with her right just next to my head, "Only for science."

"Exactly." She nodded. "Go like one thing at a time."

"Well, it's not long, Ali. I dreamed about getting accepted to Medical School, like relived a memory. That's it."

"But she was there?"

"She was, baby. We lived together then, so she was with me when I opened the email."

My thumb traced the lines in her palms as her eyes finally reconnected with mine, "But Ashton was like still good in this memory?"

"She was… supportive? Is that positive without being too happy?"

Her hand swatted at my side, "Shut up."

Blush coated her cheeks while I kept speaking, "It's what made moving forward so difficult for me. Because even though our end was tragic, most of the time our relationship was pretty beautiful."

Her eyes closed as she nodded, taking in some of the first positive words I had ever said about Ashton. "That's close to too much, but I'm happy that your time with her doesn't feel completely wasted."

"Not at all. It broke me and my self-worth more than I'd like to admit. But, as far as we know, the first time we could've met is when we did, so there was no time that could've been wasted in my twenties. Like you said last night, it was all just whatever it took to get me to you." The words left my lips like a cascading waterfall. Nothing could stop or hide from the fact that no matter if I muttered Ash's name earlier this morning or not, Alison was the only person who actually consumed me.

Alison smiled up at me. "So it's hard because of that lack of complete closure?"

I nodded, feeling the reality of my dream flooding back straight to my eyelids, "And that the annual observance of being walked out on is in like three weeks." Tilting my head backward, I hoped to prevent any heartbreak from spilling out.

"Three weeks? From today?" Her calm position lying against me altered as she became more frantic, scooting up my body to be closer to eye level. "Oh, Emmy…" Her left hand wrapped around the base of my neck while she kissed all over the side of my face to drown out the noise in my head. "I'm sorry for bringing up the dream then. Pretend I said nothing at all."

"It's okay." I replied, though the tears escaping told a different story, "It's better to be out there instead of trapped in my head."

"What's been trapped up there, sweetie?"

"Memories –" I tried to speak more but felt the crack in my voice as tears willingly fell. " – Sorry."

"It can be your turn to cry now…" Alison whispered before ushering me to sit up against her as she maneuvered toward the headboard. "I'm sure it's hard with your OCD, right? Like it's difficult to turn your brain off to it all?" I nodded into her shoulder. "Yeah, I bet it's nearly impossible to just shut off entire years of your life, especially around this time. As the years go by though with me and you and Jake, we'll start building memories around this time every single year. And soon enough, these days won't be filled with memories of her. It will be us and our family and our love." Her fingers ran through my hair, scratching my scalp ever so slightly as she went along, "Like this trip! This time next year, you can think about the hot tub or all the good food we're going to eat or even this moment. All we have is time to make memories, Emmy. And if we need to do something rash like sky dive or adopt a dog or buy a new car around this time each year, we can do that, too."

I laughed out loud against her, "Was that you trying to be sneaky about wanting a dog or something?"

"No! It was honestly just an example! Promise."

I knew she was right. That the more memories I made, the less that actual day would stick out in my mind. My hand settled on top of hers as she clung to my side. Reaching to her left, she pulled a tissue from the nightstand to help wipe my tears.

"I'm fine hearing more about her, babe. If that's what you need, like if you think that would help somehow, I'll listen. Even to the nice things…" Her voice trailed while kissing my forehead.

I took a deep breath attempting to regulate what might be worth saying. Alison had been vulnerable for much of our relationship, opening up herself and her relationship with Carter for scrutiny. Whereas I had only provided minimal information even though the chances are that my previous relationship impacted Alison and I more often than Carter ever did. So no, I didn't want to say anything, but at the same time, part of me believed that Alison deserved to know because she was willing to listen.

"She was confusing? I think that might be the best word for her. I mean, she was incredibly shy when we first met, just coming into her sexuality. She needed a lot of guidance at first in our relationship because she struggled finding her place. We met doing swim team Freshman year, and she kind of clung onto that identity through our Bachelor's degree. But then, she really came into her own once we graduated. I loved watching her blossom when I wasn't around because in some ways, I think I held her back. Don't get me wrong; Ashton's attractive –" I felt Alison flinch beneath me. "Would you? Would you like to see her?"

"Umm…" Her voice wavered. "I wouldn't mind knowing what she looks like. You said you typically dated jocks and have described her haircut and tattoos, so I have a faint idea. But, sure. Whatever you think, Emmy."

"Well, I blocked her across social media years back, but I'll text Maya. Maybe she can search Ash's Instagram for a photo of us or something?" Pausing briefly, I sent off a quick text before curling back into Alison. "I'm surprised you've never looked her up."

"Why would I?"

I shrugged at her answer wondering how it was so easy for her to stay away from someone that I was long addicted to, "Curiosity?"

"She's your ex though. You've never given me consent for that. I'm not going to snoop on someone who hurt you. She's not worth the time in my eyes."

Looking up at her, I smirked, "So? I delete my text to Maya?" Alison shook her head rapidly not wanting to revert backward now that I had opened up this door. I chuckled, "Okay… where was I?"

"Holding Ashton back, I think?" Her arms tightened around me, subconsciously holding me closer in a story where Ash and I inevitably fell apart.

"Right. I think I held her back when we both were in swim team because even though she is attractive, I stood out more? I'm just like conventionally more attractive based on the close-minded perspective of everyday society. God, is that horrible to say?"

Alison laced our hands together on my hip, "I haven't seen her yet, but I'm going to say no? I understand what you mean. Are you taller than her?"

I nodded, continuing to speak, "She's maybe a little taller than you, but with broader swimmer's shoulders. Made her a far better swimmer than me. In long distances, especially. But because we dated all four years of undergrad and into medical school, she kind of clung to me. We shared similar friends with minimal exceptions and did the same things day in and day out. So, to the outside world, I think it seemed like I was in control of our relationship? Like I guess the word would be the more dominant one? But I think I was just an extrovert in comparison to Ash. She – " My phone buzzed next to me.

The conversation you're having with Ali sounds toxic as fuck, but who am I to judge? Here's a cute one I found of the two of you. Think it's from your birthday Senior year. Good luck with whatever's going on over there. Love you, babe.

Laughing, I showed Alison the text over my shoulder as the photo was loading down below. "Are you being toxic as fuck, baby?"

"Nope!" Alison answered with immediacy, tightening her arms around me like a short hug, "I'm learning more about your life. You can stop anytime you want."

I watched the screen of my phone from my peripheral vision as the image was loading. Moments before the loading bar finished, I willingly passed the phone to Alison, "Here we are." I hadn't seen Ashton's face in nearly 5 years, and the thought of ending that streak now made me sick to my stomach, so I decided to not look at all.

"Okay!" Alison's voice raised as she took in the photo. "She's cute, Em! You always made her seem more masculine."

"If Maya's right and that is from Senior year, she didn't hadn't started getting tattoos or anything else. But she frequently towed the line between masculine and feminine dress throughout our time in school. Ash always had fabulous style though, so whatever you're seeing I'm sure is a good depiction of her typical attire."

"I must say, you look incredibly hot in this black dress. It's like very form-fitting. Damn." I whispered a 'thank you' as Alison continued. I barely looked over my shoulder to see Alison with two fingers on the screen, zooming in specifically on my figure before pulling away. I shook my head at how lovestruck she was. "This does help though. Thank you."

"Mmm-hmm. Can you delete it?" I asked as Alison met my eye.

"Just delete it?"

"Yeah, I don't want to see her. I don't want to see us happy. I assume we look happy there?"

Alison pressed a long kiss into my hair, "You do, baby. You looked happy." She exhaled, tapping on a phone a few times before passing my phone back to me. "There you go! All done. Even permanently deleted from the 'deleted photo' folder. Love you, Em."

"Love you, too." We sat in silence for a few moments. Alison didn't push me to speak; she understood enough of my brain to know not to push. Never to push. "So, to our friends and in public, I think that she came off as meek or passive, but behind closed doors, Ashton was definitely more in control. Not in a scary or actually controlling way, but I don't know. In front of others, she kind of doted on me. But in private, she was actually pretty selfish. Especially at the end of it."

A quick scoff escaped Alison's lips, "You don't say? The woman who moved out in 12 hours without an inkling of notice or demonstrated remorse is selfish?" She turned to me with her mouth agape as I kissed her cheek. "Trust me when I say that I believe you, baby."

"To be fair, you sound more bitter than I am…" She rolled her eyes, tucking me into her further. She felt impossibly close. Impossibly consistent. Mine through and through. "But like I mentioned, I think she spent so much of our early years focusing on me and feeling secure in our relationship that by the end, she was consumed in finding herself. Which, in turn, I guess led her to someone else. My time was incredibly limited by residency. Three or four 12-hour shifts each week, a majority of which were spent in the emergency room closest to Sixth. Some days were torturous, and I spent recovery days simply recovering. So Ash decided that she wanted to spend time that I wasn't there training for a triathlon. She figured that she was a third of the way there with the swimming, so I promised to help her with the biking and running. But just like I get obsessed with most things in my life, she got obsessive about this too, and before I fully realized it, we were losing each other."

Her hands traced up and down my sides to console me, "And this was after like 6 years?"

"A little more than 7." I sighed, "But I guess she started talking to that other girl before our seventh anniversary, so I usually don't count it. For accuracy's sake though, sure, seven years."

Alison pushed hair away from my face while replying quietly, "I – I hope this isn't an insensitive question. But you're terrified of marriage after everything that happened. You're nervous about even the possibility of it. Why aren't you that way about cheating?"

I chuckled at her forwardness, "That's a good question, baby. That was a fear, definitely. Especially in the beginning, but it was also a lot easier to get over in therapy. Ash cheating on me has far less to do with me directly than it does with her being unable to communicate. My circumstances with work couldn't have changed, and I did everything in my power to spend time with her and be a consistent partner. So yes, that took time, but I can only control myself. It may take longer for me to fully trust someone I'm dating. But now that I trust you implicitly, I trust you to treat me the same." Alison nodded subtly as I rotated to sit fully between her legs with my back leaned against her, "With the whole marriage thing though, umm, it's just a lot trickier to navigate. Marriage is fully coming together as two separate people, and I just – I thought we had talked about it. I thought Ash was on the same page…"

Alison's hands rested on my crossed legs, "But you initiated wanting to get married? I'm just confused about how you both could've been on the same page and then, she goes off cheating simultaneously. Did she ever express wanting to get married, or was it just the supposed next step?"

She wasn't wrong for asking, and part of me stuttered because the answer didn't immediately come to mind as I assume it should have. If Ashton's desire to be married was overflowing and abundant, shouldn't I have known? Shouldn't it be one of the happiest moments I know from that time?

"Is it terrible that I'm not sure?"

"No?" She attempted to reassure me though her voice indicated hesitation. "Take your time, love."

My mind scrambled. It cycled and circled like a whirlpool, until it rushed to the only place where the answer could be. It rushed to six and half months before she left me. It rushed to her birthday. To July 25th.

---

" – Happy Birthday dear Ashton. Happy Birthday to you."

Despite how much I knew she was looking forward to this ice cream cake due to her strict exercise regiments, it made me shine how she looked at me first. As my singing at 12:01 AM subsided, Ashton rested her chin on the tops of her fists glowing up at me in the light of the '24' candle in front of her. We stared at each other for a long series of seconds before she turned to blow out her candles.

Pushing the knife toward the center of the cake to get no edges, she placed her hand on mine, briefly, "Hey. Thank you, baby." Lifting herself up from her seat at the counter of our island, she kissed me gently, "I love you." Ashton's eyes screamed enamor. Her lips pursed once more to kiss my nose before pulling away and glancing down at the cake. "Were you able to get Oreo?"

"I was. A cookies and cream ice cream cake for the most deserving girlfriend in the world. No edge piece, right?" She nodded as I lifted both of our slices onto a single plate in front of us. "Eat what you'd like. I'll finish whatever you don't want."

"I can do half." She stated, causing my eyes to shoot open in disbelief, "What? You're surprised that I'm willing to indulge on my birthday?"

I shook my head toward the granite, turning to place the remainder of her cake in the fridge to our left, "No, not at all. You've just been so strict that I was surprised you asked for a desert in the first place. I mean, you didn't even want a friends and family dinner tonight."

"You're right." She nodded, mouth full of cake as she replied, "But if I know that I could spend the entire day with you instead? I'd take that over and over and over again, Ems." With my tongue barely poking out of my smirk, she chuckled while continuing, "I have so many days to spend with friends or family, but my Emily has the day before my birthday off? Oops, so sorry, my schedule has suddenly become completely full." She licked her fingertip to pencil in a date on an imaginary schedule as my head collapsed in laughter in front of her. "In all seriousness though, you finish residency in less than a year. I won't lie and say that it hasn't been a lot for us because it has been. But it's taught me to appreciate the nights we do have together. Because they mean more to me than any day in between."

Finishing the last bite of cake, I dropped my fork to round the corner of the island, my hand reached for the newly shaved undercut of her hair beneath her ponytail. My fingers trailed the short growth as her hands wrapped around my waist, "They mean more to me, too. You mean more to me."

She nodded upward as our lips connected. My fingers trailed down her short ponytail as her hands flattened against my lower back while she stood, pressing us against one another. Her tongue found a cake crumb on the edge of my lips, "Mmm. Chocolate." Ashton's smile into another kiss weakened my knees. Happy and strong and here. "Anything else planned for the evening?" I raised my eyebrow while her head shook just beneath my eye line, "Besides that, baby…" She whispered as my lips trailed up her jawline.

"You have other ideas?"

"Would you dance with me?" I sighed as her head fell against my chest. Not because I didn't want to but because my version of dancing drastically differed from Ashton's. Though her pale complexion would suggest otherwise, Ashton's mother was Hispanic, and her childhood consisted of her learning dance after dance at family functions. In comparison, I was barely able to keep up with a simple bachata past where my feet should begin and end. "Please, Sweets?"

My eyes stayed closed as I felt her head raise, "You'll have to lead. I am physically incapable." Her boisterous laughter filled the space as her hands quickly assumed starting position, looking up at me with a sarcastic smile, "Okay, fine. You've convinced me. C'mon."

I ushered us to the middle of the room as she held me gently, reexplaining the steps delicately before bringing my chin up to face her. "You've got it, baby. We'll start open. Just look in my eyes and trust me. You trust me?"

"With all I have." I smiled sincerely back as Ashton began to move to her left, staring at me intently.

"Two. Three. Right. One. Two. – Perfect. And now just sway your hips." Her hands fell from the traditional open positioning as they fell to my waist to assist with the hip movement.

"It's doing both at once, Ash. I can't coordinate the steps and the hips."

"Okay. Move into me then." She whispered while pulling me into closed positioning, "Follow the same movements but move your hips with mine. You know the steps, Emmy. Close your eyes and keep your hips pressed against mine. Follow me."

And as her palms centered on my upper back, she slowly counted out the steps until ever so carefully, we started moving together. She didn't acknowledge it for fear of tripping me up, but I could feel it. For some reason, this hundredth time around caused it to click until we were slowly circling around our living room without pause. She gently kissed my cheek in reassurance before placing her temple against mine.

We danced for a few minutes. And as our minds drifted in and out of our embrace, I started talking absentmindedly, "You looked at me super specifically tonight before blowing out your candles. It was like you were thinking something."

She spoke back in kind, "I was, you know, like putting an intention out into the atmosphere before making my wish."

"Hmm." I lightly questioned with my sigh, "Would it be a faux pas to tell me what you wished for?"

Ashton's lips placed a small peck just in front of my ear as she replied, "Only if you believe speaking your wish out loud prevents it from occurring."

"You know me, babe. I'm not superstitious; I'll leave it up to you."

She readjusted her arm positioning so that we were more relaxed, still temple to temple, but in a hold that suggested she thought I may want to pull away once she said it. Her lips pressed against my jaw once more before she stated quietly yet plainly, "Marry me."

Her hands fell to her side as she felt me pulling away, "I'm sorry. What?"

"You heard me, Emily. I'm ready." She cautiously bit at the edges of her fingers, knowing the can of worms she had opened.

My fingers etched through the side of my scalp as I started immediately pacing, "So when we last talked about this and you said – "

"Forget about a year ago. We had no idea what residency was going to bring us, and I just – I don't know. I'm ready now."

I walked toward Ashton with a faint smile, wrapping her face in my hands. My thumbs brushed across her cheeks while kissing her, "Okay, I hear you. I'm confused because we talked about this. You know I had money saved. You know I was ready to go pick out a ring with you. And last year, despite me not wanting to initially, you told me that we should wait a few years."

She nodded into my palms, "I remember. Get married during our tenth year together." Her eyes closed, reflecting on her words back then.

"Baby, I don't know how to say this. But I'm not getting paid like I was a year ago, and we used that savings for you to start training. You know, buying a triathlon bike, working on your sleeve and neck tattoos, getting all of your – "

"Ems." Ashton sighed, starting to walk away toward the other side of the room, "It wasn't just me. You got a new car, and we went to Hawaii. You can't put this on me." Her voice was attempting to rise even though mine was steady.

"Wait." I held out both of my hands. "Please come sit with me. I'm not angry with you, Ashton. We're talking this out." Settling into the back of our couch, I let her fingers tuck around mine as she leaned against the corner to wrap her legs into me. I rested my head on my hand, looking directly at her, patiently waiting for her returning gaze. "First, I love you, and I can't wait to marry you. Don't get my intentions twisted, Ash.

"Okay…"

"And I'm so happy you're ready. I'm happy you wished for us, you know? I'm just not sure if this is feasible for us right now." My thumb traced just over the top of her left ear between her longer hair and her shorter undercut while Ash's fingers fumbled with the hem of my shirt.

She muttered toward my chest, afraid to look me in the eye, "So marriage is about economic feasibility for you now?"

"That's not what I said."

"It's not not what you said. Our engagement not being 'feasible'? What does that even mean, Emily?"

Her eyes finally flashed toward me, causing me to lock eyes with her desperately, "Look, I just want our engagement to be as great as we are now. We're great right now, aren't we?"

She kissed me gently, "We are."

"So if we're great right now, imagine the stress that might be on us if I proposed without having the ring we've discussed. Garnering those funds while engaged and saving for a wedding? I don't – I don't want to put us under that stress, Ash." I could tell by her nod as she leaned against me that she understood, despite not agreeing with it. "Can I make a promise to you?"

"Sure, Ems."

"By this time next year, I'll propose. I'll make sure your wish comes true. I just – I need time. Can you give me time?"

Her lips pressed against my neck, "Okay." She sighed, kissing further up my neck, "I'm sorry for ruining my own birthday."

"No, no. Don't say that, love." I turned to have our eyes meet again. "We're okay; give me time. You haven't ruined anything. How about this?" I paused, grinning up at her, "Dance with me?"

Ashton popped up from her seated position without a second thought, smiling from ear to ear, "I love you. I love you. I love you." She jumped back and forth on her toes, while slinking my arms back and forth at my side as I stood.

"I thought that might get you…" I pulled her back into me. "I'm sorry. You know I get into my head about things. I want things controlled and in order. But thank you for telling me. You surprised me; I just got worried."

"Worried? In what world would you need to be worried about marrying the girl of your dreams?"

I squealed into her neck, "You're right, Ash. When it happens for us, it will be the perfect time. I'll get it all figured out."

"Never worry about us, baby. I wanted you to know I was ready; it's as simple as that." Our hips began fading into the silence of the night, leading into the deepest hours of night. Her hands held me closer than possible, as Ashton's singing voice faded in and out into my ears. Her subtle way of letting me know that, for her, all was right with the world. "Don't you worry 'bout a thing. Don't you worry 'bout a thing, darling. Cause I'll be standing by your side – "

Ashton sang Stevie Wonder to the beat of our swaying hips into the night. Though, now, looking back on it, I'm still unsure if she was consoling me for being hesitant, consoling herself in the wake of my hesitancy, or simply setting up the ironic end to our relationship. Where I would have nothing to worry about except for the fact that Ashton wasn't standing by my side at all.

---

All I could do was nod as I came back to reality. I tried to stay as far away from these times as possible, but when confronted with the question directly, it was impossible to not reflect.

"Yeah, Ali. The last I knew, we were on the same page." My breath was growing heavy in my chest as I fully reconciled with the fact that the last we had spoken about it… Ash had actually asked me. Beyond being in my head it the days and weeks leading up to our last moments together, I hadn't been crazy. It wasn't in my head. Ashton dropped me with five months left for me to propose. I technically had time. But I only had time in the façade that had been painted for me. I only had time in the dream world I was living in. A world separate from the woman I had believed to be the love of my life.

And that's why this had been raw for me. Because I had been ostracized from half of my own life. Without knowing it. Bits and pieces of my life had been pulled away at the seams until all that remained was a life I could no longer afford. A life that required me to sell back a ring I thought was bound to be accepted in order to pay for an apartment meant for two. Because being left behind would forever hurt more than Ashton finding someone who made her happy. Even if the idea of that initially hurt me, her being able to blindly leave would always hurt more.

A small clink of porcelain plates rang next to me. Tilting my head to the left, Alison was crawling back to me across the bed. "I brought food here instead." She whispered, kissing the side of my face. "I – uh – tried to ask you another question, but you were all in your head. So, I figured re-heating cold breakfast might be our best course of action at nearly noon."

"Sorry, I just hadn't thought about that in years."

"You okay now though?" She smirked before kissing me softly again.

I nodded, "I think so. But to better answer your question, I was more afraid of marriage after the split because that's what I associate with Ashton leaving me. Because I found out about the cheating simultaneously, the trauma of an idealistic view of marriage compounded with being dumped just kind of…" I mimed a plane taking off my forearm.

Alison sheepishly chuckled into my shoulder, "How did you make something so terrible somehow look so cute?"

"It's a talent?"

Leaning backward to pick up a plate, she passed it to me before sitting cross-legged directly in front of me. "That's a devastating answer." Alison leaned back once more, "Hot sauce with your eggs, right? I put our French toast on a separate plate so that you don't mix your hot sauce with maple syrup."

I couldn't prevent the smile that danced across my lips, "I love you. I don't think I've said that today." I kissed her delicately while grabbing the small bottle of Tabasco from her hands. "Sorry about that."

"You're okay, Emmy. I love you, too." She bent forward to take a bite of French toast.

"I'm honestly surprised you remembered hot sauce ahead of time."

"You puth me in tharge of foog. Why wool I forget your fabrit conniment?"

I laughed into shoulder, "Yeah, babe? You enjoying your French toast or something? No time to finish chewing?"

Her voice raised as she swallowed her first bite, "I'm fucking hungry! You got me drunk last night as then didn't let me eat until noon!"

"Mmm-hmm. You definitely have those pronouns mixed up, Ali." I placed my hand against my mouth to whisper, "Cause I'm pretty sure you're the one who made breakfast in the first place."

"Shh. Don't distract me from the toast."

"Did you want eggs?" I asked, lifting my fork up to offer.

Her mouth grimaced, "Not covered in hot sauce." She reached forward with her own fork for me to taste some of the French toast. "Good, right?"

"Yes. Everything is perfect. Thank you." I spoke out of the side of my mouth.

Alison raised a finger poignantly, "You know that you need go brush your teeth after basically gargling with that shit. I'm not fooling around with you today with your mouth burning off."

Despite her words, my eyebrow instinctually raised, "Fooling around?" I started placing my plate on the bed next to me before moving toward the restroom, "Don't say another word. Your wish is my – "

"You're such a teenage boy!" Alison exclaimed, grabbing onto the edge of my shorts before I could fully swing my legs off the bed. "I don't mean right now! Just like – before dinner or something?"

I kissed up Alison's cheek softly, causing her to tuck her chin toward her shoulder, "I need about an hour before dinner to cook the adobo. Ready to learn a new recipe?"

"Now that I have pancit down?" She cackled, remembering her over-salted version from a few weeks back.

"Whatever you say, baby."

We shared a simple smile while finishing up our breakfast, and I relished in the fact that Alison was my present. Someone patient and kind and endearing. But more than that, Alison was selfless. Her love was a devotion I could feel staring back at me in her smile. It was compassion lingering through her every gentle and delicate word. Loving Alison was waking up and falling, willingly falling each morning because she was bound to catch you in her every action, thought and word over and over again.

---

Just as the smell of garlic and onion was begin to waft through the cabin air, Alison's hands began to snake around my torso. Her fingers crawling underneath my shirt as faint kisses lingered up the back of my upper arm.

"Hi sweetheart." I smiled over my shoulder, "Were you planning on watching or just enjoying tonight?"

"Probably just eating tonight, if that's alright with you." She slapped my ass lightly while rotating to my side, trying to ensure that we didn't part from each other's touch for too long. "I do have a couple questions though from an ingredients stand point."

Adding the marinade and additional ingredients next her, I replied with a slight bump to her shoulder, "Ask away, love."

"First up, I would literally never buy chicken thighs. But you were adamant."

"So, the thighs give us our fat content. The heat will cause the fat to reduce and thicken the marinade into sauce. It's kind of like how bacon becomes crispy when you cook it because the fat melts. If we used chicken breast or another lean cut, then we would have to add oil or some other fat, and I've found it's harder to fuck up this way."

"Okay… makes sense. And if you're making chicken, rice, and a sauce, why in the world did you say this would take an hour?"

I turned to kiss her temple, "Trust me on that one. Adobo takes patience and time. You can go relax if you want to. I'll come to you in about 10 minutes." Alison pouted while connecting our hands together, "Baby, you said you didn't want to help. It's about to get trickier, and I'd love to be able to focus."

Alison turned her back toward the counter so that she was facing me, slowly trying to work her way between my body and the stovetop in front of me, "Oh? You find me distracting?" She whispered, dragging her fingertips up my left arm from our handhold.

I stepped to my right as shivers extended up my spine, "Ali, please go lay down." I laughed, pointing toward the living room.

She continued the laughter as she walked away from me, pulling out her phone to occupy her time instead. Sticking true to my promise though, I waited until the chicken was simmering which gave me close to fifteen minutes for a living room distraction. But as I walked over to sit next to Alison on the couch, Alison looked up at me as though deep in thought.

"I just saw this online, and I need you to answer honestly, Emily." Her voice was serious.

Picking up her feet, I sat down beneath her, enjoying the feel of her woolen socks in my palms. "Okay? Should I be worried?"

Alison propped herself up with one hand, "Would you still love me if I was a worm?"

"I'm sorry. What?" My head snapped toward her as I listened to her repeat the same exact question. "A worm? I mean – I'm not attracted to worms, baby."

She sighed, "That's not the point. It's me, but I'm a worm!" Alison's voice sounded exasperated, despite me still not seeing a difference. "The guy is this video said the same thing. How do you not get it?"

"What part don't I get? You'd be a worm? And I'm meant to love you the exact same way?"

"Yeah!" She sat all the way up to be near my face, "Emmy? I'd love you as a worm."

I looked around the room for a hidden camera before turning back to her, "Is this a test or a prank of some sort? I'm just confused about this." Placing my palm against Alison's chin, I continued, "You as a worm? Like this big? And me as me?" She nodded, "But like I can't even kiss you as a worm, baby. How can I love you the same?"

"Whatever. You don't get it." She sighed, leaning back against the couch.

"I'll be honest, I definitely do not get it." I kissed her cheek, "Let me check on the chicken. I'll be right back."

Instead of staying at the couch though, Alison started walking toward me, "The girl in this video was crying because of her boyfriend's answer, Emmy. Be happy I'm not that devastated. I just don't understand why you wouldn't be open to the idea."

My left hand waved confused while turning the chicken in the pan. "Of dating a worm?"

"But it's me!"

I started laughing, not believing the conversation at all, "Alison, if you want me to love you as a worm, I'll love you as a worm!"

"That's not the point! I want you to want to love me as a worm."

"Baby, this conversation is wild." I set the spatula down, while reaching to wrap my hands around her waist, "If we truly believe in loving each other with nothing attached, then sure, I'd love you as a worm. I know we discussed this last night, but I don't want this to come off rudely. Does this have anything to do with our cycles only being a few days apart from each other?" I squinted my eyes tightly, waiting for any potential backlash. But instead, I felt her sigh into my chest.

"Probably… I'm getting really worked up."

I massaged the sides of her shoulders while speaking, "You are, and we're only discussing worms. This is probably hormones or something."

"But it's like. Emily? I would love you as a worm." She encircled my hair between her hands, pulling it over to my shoulder, "Picture it. Your cute little smile. Your perfect light brown eyes."

"On. A. Worm. You're consistently forgetting that part. Sure, my smile would be smaller and probably pretty cute, but it would also be on a worm body! Those legs of mine that you love? Gone! My abs? Gone!"

Alison started leaning back from against me, looking down straight at my chest, "Your boobs?" Her previous smile started to fade while taking everything into consideration.

Shrugging simply, I replied, "They'd be gone, baby. Worms don't have boobs."

She turned away from me swiftly, sticking her hand behind her as though the conversation was now settled, "Okay, fine. You can't be a worm."

"No, no." I snickered, "You've actually convinced me, Ali. What if I want to be a worm?"

"Nope. Won't allow it." Alison brought the tip of her tongue up to her teeth, "What can I say? You brought up some excellent points."

"Wow. So excited to discover that you're now determined for us to not be worms just so you can ogle my body." I mixed up the rice on the stove before tossing it into a bowl on the counter.

From across the room, she raised her hand for a correction, "Not ogle. Savor."

"Well, fuck me, then." I answered. My eyes now wide in instant arousal. "Savor?" Alison nodded across the room as I swallowed thickly, "You know, that's a pretty fucked up thing to say when we already planned out tonight for talking. Now, you have to lay in my arms all calm and shit, despite having this conversation in the back of your mind."

She scoffed, "You act like you're not the initiator in this relationship nine times out of ten."

"Bullshit! You're a damn tease, Alison." I pointed at her as her mouth attempted to open, "Don't even dare try and refute that. Think about our favorite things about each other last night. Mine was a little squiggle. Yours was a tease!"

She copied my earlier shrug, "I guess I just have more self-control."

I could feel where this was headed as I started speaking, "Nope. I'm not getting in an argument about this. It'll lead to some dumb withholding sex bet." Taking the chicken off the burner after checking to see that it could be easily shredded, I walked toward Alison urgently, "We're too old for that nonsense. We will fool around whenever we both want to and are able to consent." I laid my left hand on her hip bone, while my right hand held her lower back, keeping her in place in front of me as I looked her directly in the eye, "Understood?"

Alison might as well have had her legs already around me based on how quickly her lips found mine. I clung to her tightly, arching her back over my hand as I massaged my hand against her. My tongue plunged into her mouth as she quickly reciprocated before moving to kiss up my jawline while my left hand explored her chest. Her brief groan elicited one out of me as I realized we were getting too carried away with adobo having just been completed behind us.

"I would like to make it explicitly clear that you were the initiator here." I whispered into the air as Alison's lips devoured my neck. "Also, dinner is ready." Her sigh against me as she pushed away indicated defeat. While walking toward the kitchen though, I scampered toward her to wrap my arms around her waist, "I'm so lucky to love someone the way I love you. Never forget that, Ali." I kissed the side of her head quickly before walking around her to organize our plates.

Following our usual dinner roles, Alison gathered wine glasses and silverware for the table as I brought our plates right behind her. We settled in nicely, Alison saying a brief prayer before we each took our first bites.

"How's ebryfing you coog so damn good?" Alison asked, again with her mouth still full.

"Family recipes are always better. But I must say that I really killed this one."

"You did! The sauce is like a glaze?"

I nodded, swallowing my second bite, "That's the fat." Before eating more, I raised my head to look at the clock, "Did you need to call J tonight?"

"Nope." She shook her head, "Car and I discussed that we'd be back Monday, but I've been texting with them off and on."

"Good. How is he without his A-plus caretaker in town?"

"Seems to be doing well. Carter was confused about the head wrap for a minute, so I sent the video you made for us to him again. Thank you for doing that. For the thousandth time, thank you."

"Of course. After our nearly horrid first lesson, I figured that you both may need a variety of teaching strategies other than just the use of our son's head."

I watched Alison's head perk up in front of me, "You said 'our son'."

"I know…" I replied apprehensively, wondering where she was going with this. I had considered Jacob to be partially mine before we even traveled to Chicago. After our big discussion with Carter after Halloween, we worked as a team. A unit. A family. "Why?"

"You've never said it before, Emmy."

"That can't be right."

She shook her head, smiling into her next bite, "No. I'd remember." Alison's blue eyes looked at me intently as she chewed, "I've said it. Carter has asked about what you would do if he was your son. But no, you've never used the words 'our son' before."

My mouth dropped because of how engrained that belief was into my subconscious. How much I didn't think about possessive pronouns when it came to him. Jacob had never been something to possess. He was an entity blessed to be alongside the woman I fell in love with. "That feels impossible to me. I hope you know that. I've considered him ours for months."

"I know." She whispered back, "I've never doubted that. Just been waiting for you to say it out loud." Her thumb reached up to her eye to catch a small tear, "Love you."

"I love you, too." Leaning forward, I stole a quick kiss.

Little did Alison know it had been 'our' since before the museum date. That in my eyes she was a permanent fixture in my life before I even knew of Jacob. From the moment Carter or Alison used the phrase for the first time, I had adopted it as my own. It's why I was so stunned. Of course, Jacob was our son. I had treated him as mine from the moment he trusted me with even an ounce of recognition in his world. Even if Alison had never heard me say it aloud before, I was nearly positive she knew it to be true. That very quickly my world had become simply ours.

---

"So tell me, how are you feeling about only having 12 hours left in this little bubble we've created here?" I asked, leaning back into the daybed on the cabin's patio.

Alison reached over her shoulder to grab my recently filled glass of wine and passed it to me before snuggling into my side with hers. "Bittersweet. I miss Bug, a lot. Even though our past few weeks have been him sad and upset and whining about everything not being perfect. I miss the energy he provides my world. Don't get me wrong. I love the energy of being a girlfriend. But being a mom, especially to him, is a role I know I was meant to play. It's weird to say that, but I know that Jacob was meant to be my son."

"No, I agree with that." My arm wrapped around Alison's back as her feet slid between my calves. "He's exactly the son you needed. No arguments from me."

Alison's right hand slid into the pocket on the front of my hoodie, "Good." I could feel that she was smiling. "Back to us? This month has been a lot. Not much time for just me and you."

"We knew that though. That's why we're here, right? Just getting back to us a bit."

"You know, I'm very proud of us. The day in and day out has been strenuous, but looking back on it from here, we've been pretty impressive."

Connecting our hands in my pocket, I continued, "We have been. No big blow-ups. Just a few late night conversations. I know we talked almost a week ago about me helping out more when I get home on weeknights."

"Yeah, I'm happy that went well actually because I know how strenuous your job is, and you do so much on the weekends…"

"You were right though. I needed to start contributing more to dishes and laundry and everything after helping J before bed. It may have felt like a big conversation to you, but it would've only been an issue if I couldn't recognize it in myself."

"I hate that I've been hardwired to think that any potentially difficult conversation should be accompanied by an argument. But like here we are nearly four months in and beyond necessary relationship conversations, the biggest discussion we've had was about a worm."

We laughed together as I pulled her closer. "Welcome to adulthood, babe."

"So, it's okay that we never fight?" The wariness in her voice let me know it was a concern.

"Well, think about it and answer honestly. How do you feel about never fighting?"

"Sometimes I just worry that there are things we're not discussing. Not like we're hiding anything from each other." I gulped. "Just maybe not talking about passing things in our day."

"Beyond that worry though, how does our relationship feel for you? Do you still feel loved and secure with me?" I scratched her back in reassurance, no matter her answer.

"I do. Do you?"

"Every day, Ali. If I didn't, I would say something." Her kiss against my chest let me know she agreed, "So, about our convo? How are you doing with everything?"

"Say it for me." She whispered up into my ear. "Please, Emmy. This is the only time I ever get to hear you say the words."

I inhaled, silently smirking above her while forming my words, "How are you feeling about marrying me?" Part of me cringed not knowing if those felt right, if any of my words to follow would be the right ones either.

"Thank you." She replied, squeezing my hand, "I feel the same as I did last month, I think. I would love to be marrying you. I want to be your partner, your spouse, your wife. I don't doubt that we're headed that way either. I know that you're who I am meant to spend the rest of my life with, whatever that looks like to you. But I also know that that time isn't right now. That in a world where you're my forever, this is perfect for right now."

"I agree with that." I said it simply, letting the words linger in the air. Alison's palm flattened against my stomach as she processed my words.

Her hand moved from my pocket up toward my cheek, "What was that?"

My cheeks started instantaneously blushing, "What you said. I agree with it."

"What do you mean?" Her eyes pinged back and forth trying to figure out my words.

"Well, you told me to tell you if I ever got to the point that I knew I never wanted to be married again. So, I figured you'd expect me to tell you if the opposite ever became true. And, I've been considering it." Her eyes bulged causing me to laugh, "The first time I thought about it was the day of Jacob's surgery, actually. When you told me I'd feel incomplete until Jacob was in remission. And I hated that answer, Ali. The idea of feeling broken for so long. The understanding that the weight on my chest was semi-permanent. But I realized that if there's anyone I want to be incomplete beside, it's you. Because you make me feel better about everything. Literally everything. And so that day started cementing for me that you're someone I can't stand to lose." I shook my head, feeling tears build. "Um, I can't lose you. So, I agree. Right now isn't the right time but – "

"Wait. Wait. Wait." Alison sat up, fully rearranging herself on the day bed. "I will be looking directly at you when you say this." As she started moving, she looked over her shoulder, "Are you fucking serious right now?" She asked, incredulously, "I have so many questions, Emily Fields. I'm – I'm, baby?" Alison began blinking rapidly, squeezing her eyes to stop my tears from being replicated. Once turned toward me, she held both of my hands in hers, "Okay. I'm so sorry."

"You're okay." I whispered, leaning forward to kiss her lightly, "I'll start from the top?" She nodded, making me giggle, "I agree. Right now isn't the right time. But whenever we do decide it makes sense, I want to be your wife." Alison had pulled our hands underneath her chin as she looked up at me awestruck. "You hear me, baby? There is no world where I don't see myself married to you. It's 100 percent an option. Ten out of ten."

"Ten out of ten?" She whispered, leaning down to kiss my knuckles adoringly, "How long have you been holding this in? I just – shocked."

"I can tell." I laughed again, pulling her in for a slower and longer kiss, "Thinking about it? Since Jacob's surgery. Officialized it? This afternoon, really…"

Alison launched herself forward in laughter, hugging me broadly and rolling us onto her back as she cackled in exaltation. "Can you say it again? Literally say it over and over again, as many times as you want. I will never get bored of those words."

"I want to be your wife." She laughed again, curling her fingertips into the roots of my hair as she kissed my face repeatedly.

Wiping more tears from her face, she looked up at me wild-eyed, "I'm so fucking surprised. We went from best friends to future fiancées in a day?"

"I mean, I'm not surprised." I replied facetiously before continuing, "But earlier today it just kind of hit me for sure. Umm, finishing up breakfast. I had mentioned that I found Ashton selfish near the end of everything, but as we were talking today, you were nothing but selfless. And time and time again, you show me all that has made you amazing since we first met. And it's just not worth fighting anymore. I could sit here and dream up every scenario in the book that might happen, or I can trust that we'd see each other through it.

She sat us up once more, "Earlier after your dream, you said you were more afraid of marriage though. How is that suddenly not the case?"

I thought about it for a moment, "Let me put it this way. I am afraid of marriage and what it has represented in my life thus far. But like I said earlier, I trust you implicitly. I trust our relationship, and I know how different it looks compared to what I had." I inhaled, thinking about it all truthfully, "Maybe I will be scared when we get closer to actually being engaged. I can't promise you that I won't be. I just wanted to be fair to your request way back in October. And so I wanted you know that I want to be married again. I am there."

"This is so much to process." Alison truly looked to be panicking. Her thoughts racing while simultaneously trying to keep herself in the moment. "Wait. I'm sorry. Repeat it for me. Emmy, you're ready to be married?"

"Sure, that is a key take away from the conversation we're having right now, sweetheart. But that question is missing the most important factor."

"Which is?" She looked up at me once more, her eyes shining under the night sky.

I laughed, placing my forehead against hers, "Don't be silly…" I kissed her nose, "I'm ready to be married to you. You, Alison. The only important factor is you."

---

A/N: Oh, hey there. How ya doin'? How ya feelin'? This chapter was a doozy to write, so I can only imagine how it feels reading it all in one go. I hope you can see parallels from a variety of different points throughout the rest of the story leading us to this point. Progress is being made! But there is plenty more headed their way.

How do you feel about Emily finally coming around? Is it too soon? Too sudden? Too little too late? Exactly right? Let me know! (I know the answer, but it's more fun to have a conversation about it.) As always, thank you for the support. Thank you for the patience. And thank you for trusting me to write for these characters. You all make it worth it.

Sending you much love along the way,

secretpen28