Weirdo Hyuuga-sama

by Ellis Tobias

Set after 'The Last' movie, Naruto contemplates his history with Hinata and tries to determine when exactly she became his most precious person. He decides that it all started with a list. A reflective, canon-compliant fic that follows NaruHina from childhood and after the moon mission.

A/N: This is my first fic so I'm not sure what to do, but I don't own any of the characters, and I don't own the cover image either. I haven't been able to find a fanfic that left me satisfied as to what happened after Pain or in the two years after the war and before 'The Last'. This is my attempt to explain what Naruto was thinking during the events. Please review to help with my writing, and also let me know if I'm doing something that isn't allowed. I feel like some people might see my Naruto as a bit OOC, but I figure I can get away with a more mature Naruto since he's an adult looking back. So, let me know if I got it right or wrong.

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As I stood in the cold air on top of the Hokage monument, I watched this weird woman hurrying away and leaving me behind. I was suddenly struck by how unusual it was for me to be the one following her. I wanted to ask her to slow down, but I hesitated. I'd never seen her long black hair swishing like that, since she was usually the one watching me. I contemplated how we had managed to get to this point and decided that it had all started that day.

It was the day that I decided I would keep a list of everyone who had wronged me. It had always seemed like the only emotions I knew were sadness and happiness. To me it was simple: if I was alone, I would be sad and lonely, and when I was surrounded by others, I would be happy – for a while. That is, until I realised all the kids always had to go home after a time and their parents would glare at me with their cold and indifferent eyes.

I soon came to realise that happiness was not guaranteed by the amount of people around me. Sometimes all that meant was that they validated each other's disgust of me. They never called me by my name either – which was a pity as I really liked my name. Naruto. The ramen equivalent of the cherry on top. But all they thought was: Naruto – the unpopular topping that no one wanted to ruin their dish. They always called me 'that boy'. For the first time, I felt another emotion start to creep in. Anger. I realise now that it was not truly anger, it was resentment, rooted in my frustration at being unable to get anyone to recognise me.

I was on my way home one day, after a particularly nasty shop owner threw a mask at my head, and I was fully intent on writing his name down on my hate list (even though I did not even know his name), when I thought back to the girl I had spotted amongst the angry crowd. She was one of the only ones whose eyes were not filled with disgust or indifference. Her weird-looking eyes seemed afraid. Of what, I didn't know, but I didn't think she was afraid of me. Somehow, I felt she was afraid for me, or at least confused about why everyone hated me. She wasn't alone. I was just as confused. At first, I thought that all adults just hated children, but I soon realised I was the only one being treated that way. Thinking of the girl's expression calmed me down a bit. I didn't know her name, but I've interacted with her before – and she seemed nice enough, if a bit quiet and weird. She was kind of difficult to notice unless you were looking for her. Hyuuga was the name on her family home. I'd seen it there when I took her home once after she got lost. Honestly, what weird kid couldn't find their own way home in a village of this size? But when I saw her house I kind of understood. She was one of those rich kids who never did anything by themselves. The really rich ones, with the long family history, where even the kids received honorifics. She would be some kind of -sama then. That explained the older guy who always accompanied her everywhere – the one who warned her to stay away from me even after I protected her from some bullies.

She didn't seem to listen to him, but soon she would. It was inevitable. There were a few false alarms over the years when I thought I was making a friend. But then their parents would show up and say something and my almost-friend would start avoiding me and glare at me without even knowing why. I grit my teeth. The Hyuuga girl would get there too eventually. And probably soon too. Whenever I see her, she's always watching me. Soon I'll do something that will frighten or disgust her, and she'll glare at me too. But I frown at the thought. She hasn't listened to her guard so far. Maybe she won't. She doesn't seem like those snotty-sama's. The thought makes me uncomfortable. I didn't notice it at the time, but this was when another emotion became known to me. An unfamiliar one that I squashed down as soon as it appeared – hope.

Don't get me wrong, I had hopes. I had dreams. I want everyone to recognise me. I want to become the greatest Hokage there ever was. But it was scary back then to have real hopes. I had always been stubborn, and the more people told me I couldn't do something, the more I wanted to prove them wrong. It wasn't as though I didn't believe I could reach these milestones. I really believed I would. But just in case, I always hoped for things that seemed out of reach, so that if I failed along the way, I wouldn't be too disappointed. But hoping for something realistic like the Hyuuga girl becoming my friend, that was too close for comfort. It was dangerous. Still, I couldn't get her lilac eyes out of my head. So, when I got home that day, instead of adding what's-his-name to my vengeance list, I tore it up and started a new list. A list of people without those eyes. So far, it was a short list: 1. Old man Hokage, 2. Teuchi-san, 3. Shika-whatever, 4. Chouji (Don't call him Tubby), 5. Weirdo Hyuuga-sama. After a short while of looking at this list, I added a question mark to her name, and felt happier about it. As if that could protect me from hoping. I wasn't sure whether to add that loudmouth Kiba to the list of friends or enemies, so I ignored him for now.

As time went on and I started spending more time at the academy, I found better targets for my hopes. More unrealistic ones. I wanted to surpass that bastard Sasuke. And I wanted to earn Sakura's love. Sakura was the ideal girl and Sasuke was everyone's favourite. If I could get them to recognise me, everything would surely turn out well. That was why it hurt so much when Sasuke left. Somehow, the unrealistic hope of him recognising me had turned into a reality. Somehow, Sasuke had become my friend. He had even sacrificed himself to protect me from Haku and admitted that I was the closest thing to a friend he had. And just as I'd always known – when your hopes are too realistic, you'll be disappointed. Even though Sasuke cared about me, it wasn't enough to keep him here. I was never enough. Everyone would abandon me in the end. So, I stuck to my unrealistic hopes – gaining Sakura's affection and becoming Hokage. But all the while, some part of me was feeling my hopes rising when it came to Hinata.

Hinata Hyuuga. That was her name. I eventually learned it and memorised it, and now it was always in the back of my head. She still watched me. Even after all this time. She was always nice when she finally managed to get two words out when speaking to me, but I didn't trust her. If she could only tell me why she was always watching me. I knew she didn't hate me. But she made no effort to get to know me either. And whenever I tried to make contact with her, she always looked away or slouched or started fidgeting. It made no sense. But since she made no effort, I decided not to make any effort either. I couldn't be entirely sure that I didn't make her uncomfortable, so I decided not to force my company on her. Over the years, I kept the question mark next to her name, even though the list had grown since I graduated from the academy. There was now a 6. Iruka-sensei, 7. Sasuke-teme, 8. Kakashi-sensei, 9. Sakura-chan, 10. Bushy-Brows, 11. Ero-sennin, 12. Tsunade baa-chan and many others, but she remained 5. Weirdo Hyuuga-sama(?).

I learned many things about her over the years, but I never looked at those things too closely. I tried not to analyse her too much, as that was a sign of hope, and she had still not given me any indication of why she always watched me. For all I knew she kept her distance because she was still undecided about me. I considered her a friend, even though I was uncertain how she saw me. I couldn't place my hopes in her or trust her, but I kept an eye on her. And she was a constant presence in the back of my mind.

The first thing I noticed was that she always believed me – something that nearly scared me to death. Everyone else would always doubt me when I said I would do something, and it made me angry, but also determined. But Hinata never doubted me. I was always caught off guard when I tried to show off the way I usually did with everyone else, and she just accepted it. I always claimed that I was not scared or that I would succeed, and she would just believe me. Didn't she know I was lying? Everyone else always did. Sometimes she seemed to show faith in me, and instead of lifting me up it deflated me. Now I was scared to disappoint her. I noticed it first during the Chuunin exams. She offered to help me cheat in the written exam, and after doubting her at first, I realised she had no ulterior motives. She didn't look down on me or think I was stupid. She wanted to help me. That was the first time I realised how much Hinata frightened me. I had almost – almost – given in and showed her how weak I was. I almost depended on her, rather than on my own solution. When I realised that I wouldn't get away with it and that we would both get in trouble, I tried to play it cool and act as if I didn't need help. Unfortunately, she believed me. I thought she would scold me and tell me not to be stupid, and that I wouldn't pass without her. That's what Sakura would have done. And maybe if she had done that, I would have been fired up enough to face that exam. But she didn't. She completely believed me when I said I had it under control. Damn my stubbornness. I nearly failed that exam too. But luckily, scary Ibiki-san challenged us to give up and I was able to get my fire back. But still, it didn't sit right with me.

That was the first time I realised the effect Hinata had on me. At first, I thought that she made me weak. She made me want to admit that I was scared, and I hated that. I was determined to avoid her even more after that. But I soon realised that it wasn't weakness. Right before my fight with Neji in the third exam, I was terrified. I had been so upset to see him hurt her after she had tried her hardest that I had gone and done something stupid. I had set a realistic goal in front of everyone. I had promised him that I would defeat him. This wasn't as unrealistic as my usual goals, because Neji didn't have monster strength. Also, people were starting to acknowledge my strength and they were starting to expect things from me. I always thought this would be a good thing. But it turned out it made me even more nervous. I felt that if I raised their expectations and disappointed them then I would lose them forever. People would turn away saying 'I always knew he was a failure'. My nerves got so bad that not even the obvious doubt from the villagers could fire me up. When I heard people whispering that Neji would defeat me, instead of getting stubborn, I agreed. So, when I met Hinata at the training grounds before the big fight, I was expecting to be further deflated. I pretended to be strong as I usually did, acting tough around her, and she believed me. Again. She said she knew I could win. But that just made me feel worse. How could she have so much faith in me? I needed her to know that I was going to disappoint her. That she shouldn't believe in me. Once again, she made me want to admit my weakness – that I wasn't as confident as I pretended to be. And for once I admitted my fear that I would fail. I looked down, expecting her to believe me, as she usually did. But for once, she contradicted me. She called me a proud failure and finally admitted why she always watched me. I inspired her to keep trying, to keep getting up, and that she had grown stronger from my encouragement and from watching me. And I felt this strange feeling bubbling up inside me. I never liked how I felt weak around her, but if I hadn't admitted my weakness to her, would she have lit this strange new fire inside me? It wasn't the heat I usually felt when pretending to be strong out of stubbornness. It was a slow, gentle burn. It was a different kind of fire – a smaller flame, but a consistent one. It was her faith in me. Instead of being terrified to disappoint her and everyone else who believed in me, I started to feel confident that they might still believe in me even if I failed, as long as I tried my best. It was strange, but suddenly as soon as I accepted the idea that I might fail, my determination to succeed returned. And it was all thanks to this timid, dark, weird girl. She still terrified me, but I started to wonder whether realistic hopes might not be so bad after all. That was the day I decided to remove the question mark from her name in my list.

The second thing I noticed about her was that she was strong. It was so strange that everyone considered her to be weak – but understandable when she was being compared with a genius like Neji. I'd never really seen her fight before the preliminary round of the Chuunin exams, and even though she bit it, I was impressed. I knew those Hyuuga's were snotty-sama's, which Neji proved, and I knew that she was kind despite them. She had even offered me some ointment after my fight. Me. Even though I had been fighting her team-mate. I didn't understand it and I was slightly suspicious, but Kurenai-sensei told me to just take it and so it must not have been such a big deal. Hinata must simply be so kind to everyone. So, I was surprised by how much hatred she faced from within her own family because she was considered weak. It reminded me of the way everyone treated me. I wanted her to keep going – to not let those snotty-sama's get to her. I screamed my encouragement down to her without worrying about appearances, and she seemed to take strength from me. The fight was amazing. But more than her skill, I was impressed by her determination. She kept getting back up, even when it was clear she was outmatched. Part of me wanted to tell her to stop, but the other part of me was frozen by the fire I had never seen in her eyes before. That fight nearly killed her. I was so upset, and I couldn't understand why. Was it the callous way Neji dealt with his own family? Was it that she tried her hardest and still failed? Was it that I wanted her to prove Neji wrong about all his stupid talk of fate and destiny? Because I saw her as a kindred spirit and because I wanted to prove everyone wrong about me too? I didn't think about it all that hard back then. All I knew was that nothing could have stopped from jumping down there and vowing on her blood to take Neji down. To avenge her and make him eat his words. Still, it was strange. The lesson that everyone else took away from that fight was that Hinata Hyuuga was weak. I learned the opposite. I had seen her strength, her determination, her will of fire.

And I noticed her strength kept increasing every time we went on missions together. I was always bored waiting for that pervert to take me with him. With Sasuke gone and Sakura busy training, I never really felt welcome with any of the other teams. I got along fine with team 10, mostly because Shikamaru always knew how to incorporate my personality into his planning. But I enjoyed going on missions with team 8, if only because Hinata was refreshingly nice to me. By then I had learned why she always watched me, and I felt the need to show off and be cocky in front of her, like I always did with Konohamaru and the other kids who admired my strength. But somehow, I got the feeling that my strength and determination weren't the only reasons she watched me. After all, she was pretty strong and determined herself. And although I inspired her, it was not as if she wasn't already putting in a lot of hard work to try and better herself. If she wanted to learn good techniques or get more technically proficient she should have been watching Sasuke like the other girls did. But she had never watched Sasuke, and hardly seemed upset that he was gone. Even though she was the one who suggested the Bikouchuu mission, she hadn't done it out of concern for Sasuke, but because she was worried about me and Sakura. And even though that mission had been a failure, it had helped me fit together a piece of the puzzle that was Hinata. She was strong. She had been labelled a failure and her family had even refused to teach her their techniques. Still, she had trained harder than anyone else besides Bushy-brows until she had even created her own technique. She was amazing. I hadn't even realised it at the time, but the two of us had created a cycle of determination. I inspired her to be strong, and her strength inspired me to keep growing. Neither of us wanted to be left behind by the other and we kept each other strong. But this was true for almost all the other genin, so I never really looked deeper into why Hinata had such a strong effect on me.

I hardly thought about her at all while I was training with Ero-sennin. On the rare occasions that I thought about her it would always be to smirk at how impressed she would be with my newfound strength; and then to wonder about how much stronger she would have become in the three years since I'd seen her. I knew she would be working hard, and I was looking forward to seeing her improvement. She and Lee were my hard-working comrades. I was expecting them to help me prove everyone wrong about our limits.

I had not expected Sakura to improve just as much. When I finally got back to the village, I realised I hadn't thought about Sakura much either. And when I did picture her, it was always as my ideal goal without thinking much about her as a person. I was surprised to discover a Sakura who was stronger and even more beautiful than when I had left. My feelings for her hadn't changed. But that was the problem – my feelings had not grown, nor had they decreased, nor had they been injected with a dose of realism. I was starting to see two Sakura's. One who was the ideal girl, who was the key to me being recognised, and who needed to turn her affections from Sasuke to me. And another Sakura, a more realistic version that I was coming to see as my friend, and whose determination to find Sasuke impressed me so much that I hoped she never gave up on him. I realise now that the two Sakura's contradicted each other, but I never even questioned it at the time.

The first time I saw Hinata after returning to the village, I was excited. I wanted to impress her with how much I had grown. But she was still trying to hide from me as usual. It was kind of a relief to know that she hadn't changed that much since I left. I was still such a hero to her that she could not look me in the eyes. At least that was what I thought. It cheered me to know that there were still people in the village who were inspired by me. I had been half afraid that she and Konohamaru would have moved on to admire someone else. People were fickle that way. But luckily, she did not seem to have changed much. So, when I snuck up to her, intending to stand there cockily until she admitted how much I had grown, I was surprised to find a Hinata who had changed so much in appearance. If it had not been for her weird eyes and her timid mannerisms, I would not have recognised her. Her hair was much longer, and she seemed more feminine, but I couldn't tell if she had gotten prettier because she kept trying to look at the ground. To make matters worse she fainted again, and the thought of whether she was pretty or not was wiped out of my mind. Damnit, it seemed like she hadn't gotten that much stronger if was still prone to these fainting fits. I was kind of disappointed.

But as time passed, I realised that I had just startled her that day. She was much stronger, and she was also smarter and more confident. I already knew that she would not have become a Chuunin if she was unable to take charge. But I was glad to see her improved efficiency during missions. She had always been dependable, but I was starting to trust her on missions. She was no longer hesitant and content to follow Kiba and Shino's lead. She took the initiative and followed orders seamlessly. I had become so strong that I no longer saw Hinata and Lee as being on the same level. I realised that because of the Kyuubi and my massive reserves of chakra, they would never be able to catch up to me. But that didn't stop them from trying, and I admired that about them even more than I once admired their strength. They were still strong, but I started to notice other things about them too. Lee would never stop pushing to surpass his limits; and Hinata was no longer training to keep up with me, but to reach her own potential.

As I realised how much she had truly improved over my three-year absence, I started noticing other changes in Hinata. As a child she had always slouched and tried to remain unnoticed. Now she took pride in herself, straightened up, and her posture was as graceful as her gentle fist. She was making eye contact with me more now and she stuttered less. There was a seriousness to her expression when she was on missions so that for the first time, I could see why she was a -sama. And she never got distracted on a mission. That same faith she had in me, she had it for everyone in Konoha. Sakura, and I, and sometimes Chouji, and always Lee, we all have trouble putting our emotions aside and putting the mission first. The four of us are unable to ignore our fears when our friends are in danger, and we often abandon the mission to help, even when we are not needed. But I've never seen Hinata do that – not unless she can help without jeopardising the mission. She always has faith in her friends to prevail. That is, until Pein attacked the village.

I wasn't there. I arrived late. I was terrified that everyone I cared about was gone. After a quick look in Sage mode to determine who was alive and who was dead, I felt the determination rise in me. I felt the anger too, but I was not going to give in to that. I had trained too hard to rely on the Kyuubi any longer. I attacked Pein calmly and meticulously. I was not going to let anything distract me from this battle. I was not going to let my pain cause me to let this fiend slip through my fingers and hurt anyone else. But it still wasn't enough. Pein was too strong. He had me pinned down and I cursed myself that I could not be stronger. I had all but given up when Hinata came flying down into the crater like a purple tornado. I still don't know what the hell she had been thinking doing that! She knew she was going to be killed. She knew she could not hope to defeat him. Still, she came. And then she told me why. Why she had always been watching me. Why she would willingly come to her death to help me. She loved me. She loved ME. The first thought that ran through my head was disbelief. She couldn't love me. No one would ever love me, let alone her. The second thought was disapproval – what the hell was wrong with her? She shouldn't love me. She was wrong and now she was risking her life because she mistakenly thought I was worth it. I wished she would wake up and run away. The third thought was terror as I realised that no matter how much I screamed at her to leave, she was not going to listen. All thoughts were wiped from my mind as she attacked. Even in my terror and disapproval I couldn't help but admire her strength. That twin lions attack – where did that come from? Surprisingly, I found myself rooting for her. Maybe she could do it. She had managed to break some of the chakra rods holding me down. All she had to do was avoid major damage, keep at it, and then run somewhere safe to let me handle the rest. But it wasn't enough. I felt my fleeting hope fading as Hinata was flung through the air at the bastard's feet.

I was frozen. Staring. I wanted to bargain with Pein. She doesn't really love me. She doesn't know what she's saying. Let her go…but all I could do was watch as he killed her to teach me a lesson. And then I couldn't remember much else besides red and black and hate. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of hoping. Hinata was dead. That was what hoping got me. That was what friendship got me. That was what happened when I tried to do things my way. That was what Hinata got for having faith in me. Hope only leads to disappointment. I completely gave in to the Kyuubi. I couldn't remember why I was fighting him in the first place. All I wanted was to cause as much pain as I could.

When I emerged from that hate-filled haze after meeting my father and rediscovering my determination, I was terrified that Hinata had been completely obliterated by my attack. But not only was she still in one piece, she wasn't dead. The relief was short-lived. I had to focus on the threat in front of me. But once the battle was over, and Kakashi-sensei brought me back, I started to look for Hinata. I caught sight of her once, as Sakura was hugging me. She was badly wounded, but she would live. Despite her injuries and despite her declaration of love, she looked happy to see Sakura acknowledging me. And for the first time Hinata was thrown to the back of mind as I realised what was happening. Sakura had been worried for me. She was willingly embracing me. It didn't feel how I thought it would. On the one hand I was shocked and elated that my ideal girl was embracing me. On the other hand, she was my best friend, and that was just what I expected from her considering how close we were. The two conflicting thoughts confused me. But I couldn't linger on them long because now the entire village was congratulating me and celebrating with me. Everything I had ever wanted had finally come to fruition.

I was overwhelmed with happiness. But a few hours after that, something niggled in my mind. At first, I couldn't figure out what it was. Everyone who had been killed was back from the dead. The village was destroyed, but it could be rebuilt. There was no reason to feel so disturbed. Then I realised what it was. Hinata.

I knew I had to say something to her. Not only had she nearly given up everything for me; but she would surely be expecting some sort of response to her confession of love. I hardly knew what to think or say. It used to frustrate me when she kept saving me on missions. Not only with the Bikouchuu, but also on the mission with the magnet-user. I could never seem to return the favour without her finding a way to save me again. And now she'd saved me in a way that I doubted I would ever be able to repay. And I still didn't really understand why. She said it was because she loved me, but I had no idea what that meant. She didn't act like she loved me. She was never all over me the way all the girls had been over Sasuke. She didn't seem like she wanted anything from me. How could she claim to love me if all she did was hide away from me? It was so confusing. She must not have meant it the way it sounded. I knew she admired me, so I assumed that she just meant it as a friend. And if she meant it as more, then…no, she could not have meant it that way. I fooled myself into thinking that. I refused to hope that Hinata could see me for exactly who I was and still care for me. I wasn't really sure whether I felt anything for her in return, but I wanted someone to love me so badly that I refused to hope that it was true. I had given up on that notion a long time ago when I chose Sakura as my ideal even though she was the person most unlikely to return my affection. I was not going to have any realistic hopes. I was not going to be disappointed again. I couldn't think about this anymore. I would just have to go see her and get it over with. There were other things to do, and I couldn't be distracted.

But when I went to see how she was, I was told that she was still on bedrest after the attack. I decided not to go and see her until she was completely better. By then I was aware that I was making excuses and procrastinating. But really there was too much else going on. Tsunade baa-chan was still unable to lead and some bastard named Danzou had taken over as 6th Hokage. And of course, to make matters worse, one of the first things this bastard did was to declare Sasuke a rogue ninja. I was already depressed about that, on top of being beaten nearly senseless by the loud cloud duo, and all I cared about was cancelling the hit on Sasuke. I couldn't believe he had gone so far as to join the Akatsuki. The situation with Hinata completely slipped my mind as I rushed to the five Kage summit. Then something happened which brought it to the forefront of my mind again. Sakura tracked me down all the way to the Land of Iron just to tell me that she loved me and that there was no need to keep my promise to her to bring Sasuke back.

How irritating! I've gone my entire life without any affection and now girls are falling out of the sky to tell me they love me. I knew Sakura was lying of course. She was not very good at it. And I always mistrusted it when reality aligned with my hopes. My ideal woman was acknowledging me and all I felt was sadness and disappointment. If I had any doubts that Hinata's confession was true and that Sakura's was false, it would have become obvious by comparing the two in my mind. I knew now that Hinata truly loved me, as much as she could, and that her love was not dependent on being with me. Whether I chose to be with her or not, Hinata would love me. I knew now why she had confessed to me, even though she would obviously have gone the rest of her life loving me in the shadows. Hinata said it as a way to give herself strength and to say goodbye. Sakura said it to manipulate me. As if her confession, even if it were true, would have had any effect on my desire to bring Sasuke back. I saw through her immediately, but it saddened me that this was what my friendship was worth to her. At some point I had started to see her more as a friend, as who she truly was, than I had seen her as my ideal and as someone I put on a pedestal. I was so angry with her that I hardly knew how to interact with her anymore. She had betrayed me as a friend, and at that point I relegated her back to the category of ideal and teammate. I had already forgiven her, but it would be a long time before I trusted her enough to start seeing her as a friend again.

And despite Sakura tearing my heart out and all her other efforts, Sasuke managed to slip through our fingers again. We returned home knowing that we were heading for war and that we might have to face Sasuke on the battlefield. Sakura doubted that we could bring him back, and I wanted to reassure her, but deep down I was still kind of mad at her and I didn't trust her not to try to kill Sasuke again. I was determined. I would bring him back no matter what!

When we met our other friends to tell them about what happened, I saw Hinata for the first time since Pein's attack. She looked all better now, thankfully. At first, I avoided eye contact with her, ashamed of my absence and my inability to reassure her and communicate with her. I was afraid to look at her knowing that she loved me, when I couldn't understand what love felt like, and wasn't sure whether I could return it to her even if I wanted to. I was such an idiot. What would she want with someone like me anyway? But at some point during the discussion our eyes met and all my uncertainty fell away. In that quick glimpse everything became clear to me. She loved me. But she was not expecting anything from me. She had not confessed as a way to change things between us, but because she thought she would die in the attempt to save my life. The two of us had reached a silent understanding that now was not the time to speak about such things. We were on the brink of war and I was one of the Akatsuki's targets. Who knew if I would even survive this war? I felt such relief when I looked at her, knowing that she was not expecting a reply. But the strangest feeling of safety crept over me too. She loved me. I'd never been loved before, and no one had ever said it before. Not even Iruka-sensei or Ero-senin. It gave me a sense of peace and security knowing how she felt about me. To know that it was possible for someone to love me. She had always had faith in me, but now instead of fearing I would disappoint her, I held her faith to me, and it made me feel stronger. She seemed to have benefitted from the experience as well. There was no need for her to hide or blush or faint when I knew how she felt. She was no longer afraid of me because she no longer needed to fear my reaction. Her secret was out, and she had become stronger and more confident now that she had overcome one of her fears. She stood straight and tall as she looked back at me, and I thought she had never looked more graceful or more beautiful than this moment. This understanding passed between us in less than a few seconds, and when I was finally able to drag my eyes away from hers, I felt I would finally be able to concentrate on the task at hand.

Of course, being the gullible idiot that I am, I wasn't even there for the start of the war. I was extremely busy trying to sneak a peek at the genitals of a giant armadillo. When I found out that the war had started, there was no way I was going to stay on this stupid island while everyone risked their lives for me. Seeing Hinata cut down by Pein was bad enough. I could not let anyone else get hurt in the process. I wasn't expecting to see Hinata again until after the war. I just hoped that she and everyone else survived. I knew she would be fighting hard, not just because she was an excellent ninja and had the will of fire, but because she would also be fighting to protect me. After the incident with Pein, I realised that I never wanted her to be put in the position of trying to save me again. I couldn't let her sacrifice herself for me again. And I knew she would do it given half the chance. She was making me look bad. I thought I was all cool when I finally saw her during the war and managed to save her from those Zetsu bastards. She'd saved me so many times, I wanted to pay her back. But then, not even a few hours later she went and jumped right in front of me again.

And this time I was too slow to stop her. I was weak. Drained. The entire Hyuuga clan had come to my defence, but of course she was the one who did not hesitate to throw herself in front of me. I watched in horror, prepared to see her die horribly, when Neji jumped in front of her and took the attack. A terrible small part of me was relieved that she was spared. That relief was short-lived as I realised the attack was fatal. Despite what Neji said I had no illusions that he had done it for me. He told me that Hinata was willing to die for me, so I hold more than one life in my hands. But if there was anyone on this earth who Neji loved, it was Hinata. He had hated her; made her suffer; trained her; protected her. He had truly become her brother, and now because of me he was gone. Hinata shook next to me as we held onto him tightly. I was shellshocked. It all seemed so hopeless. I would have given up my life in a second to spare Neji, but I was the only one they wouldn't kill. Not until they got Kurama out of me. How could I let this happen? How could I fail to protect him? How could Hinata even stand to look at me when I was the reason her cousin was dead. Terrible thoughts crashed around my head and that bastard Obito just kept taunting me. Everything he told me was exactly what I was telling myself. It was my darkest moment. I forgot everyone and everything around me and started to sink into despair.

But Hinata surprised me. She was always doing that. She trusted me to do my best, and only intervened when I really needed help. Or in this case, a smack to the face. It didn't hurt, obviously, but it surprised me. I couldn't understand why she would even look at me, but that fire was there in her eyes again. It was hard to see it through the tears and the pain, but it burned there, slowly spreading to me as she told me what I needed to hear. She always knew how to cut right through my misery. Hinata made me realise that it wasn't just about me. They weren't only fighting for me; they were fighting to protect something precious. That if I gave up it would make Neji's sacrifice meaningless. How could she say all these things with tears in her eyes and still make me feel like she was stronger than me. For all her timidity and claims that I inspired her she sure could be assertive and inspirational herself. I had never needed her more, and she always came through for me when I needed her. As I looked at her then I realised that I could come to love her. I was too terrified at the time to scrutinise that thought. I would deal with it later once we survived the war. And she had better survive. I would be so mad at her if she didn't. With her help I was able to regain my determination. There was no way I was going to let her down when she had such faith in me and when she was fighting so hard. I held her hand longer than I should have with a war going on, but I needed to thank her for her strength. No matter what, she kept going, not even hesitating to pop my arm back into its socket just so I could keep fighting. We were in a cycle again. My strength gave her strength; and her strength gave me strength. I could not let her down. I was going to end this war.

And I did. The war was over. I had finally managed to beat some sense into Sasuke, though it nearly cost me an arm and a leg. I would have been much less forgiving if he had taken my leg too. Everyone was released from the Infinite Tsukuyomi. Now all I wanted was to sleep for ten years. But there was no time for that. There was no time for celebration. No time for anything besides grief. Tsunade baa-chan finally realised she was an old lady and retired. Hokage Kakashi Teacher and Shikamaru made the laziest team ever. And the village slowly started to recover from the last year of uncertainty and destruction. I distracted myself with helping out and volunteering for missions, all while waiting for the right opportunity to talk to Hinata.

I wasn't sure how I felt about Hinata, but I knew I had to talk to her. I couldn't put it off any longer, and yet I continued to do so. All I knew was that thinking about her made me uncomfortable. She started to plague my thoughts and my nightmares with equal parts guilt, warmth, and fear. I didn't understand where this fear came from. Suddenly the only thing standing in my way was my own hesitation. And every time I hesitated, it cost me, because we were still shinobi, and our lives were still uncertain. At first, I hesitated because it was too soon after the war and Neji still needed to be buried. I held her hand at the funeral, and she let me, but she could barely look at me in her grief. Back then I used to wonder if she blamed me, and the thought paralysed me from comforting her when that was all I wanted to do.

Then I went weeks without seeing her as she mourned her cousin in their compound, barely leaving. I overheard Kiba telling Ino and Sakura that Neji's death hit Hinata the hardest. That Neji was the only one of the Hyuuga's who had ever believed in her and supported her. Now, the Hyuuga clan had been nearly decimated in the war, and they needed to show that they were still strong. Hinata was under a lot of pressure to become more involved in the clan affairs and take on more missions due to the shortage of those with the Byakugan. Kiba added that if it weren't for her younger sister Hanabi finally starting to form a sisterly affection with her, Hinata would have felt completely isolated and slipped into a depression. Hanabi reminded Hinata to eat and encouraged her to train. Even Kiba and Shino were having difficulty getting through to her. When I heard this I wasn't sure what to feel. Should I try and help? Or would my presence only make things worse?

But there was still much to do, and I had my hands (one hand, technically) full with Sasuke's return and trying to convince that idiot to cooperate and remain in the village. When it was finally resolved and Sasuke decided to leave, I felt I could finally relax a little. A weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I knew that Sakura felt the same way. It didn't matter that Sasuke didn't stay in the village with us. He was no longer lost and that was all that mattered.

The night Sasuke left, Sakura and I went to Ichiraku and somehow, almost instantly, we had returned to a companionable friendship with each other. I finally silently forgave her for playing with my feelings in the Land of Iron, but I was surprised by how long I had kept that grudge. With Sasuke's return we were no longer bound together by pain, and we could just be friends. It was extremely meaningful to me, and it was even better than before Sasuke had left, because then our relationship had always been strained by what Sasuke meant to us both. And now that Sasuke and I were finally on good terms, without pretending to hate each other, I was surprised to realise I felt no yearning to win Sakura over. Instead of seeing the two Sakura's: my friend and my ideal, I only saw her as she was. And it was better. I was happy sitting there, until she decided to ask me when last I had seen Hinata. I could feel my face falling and hoped she hadn't noticed. I wondered why she was asking me this. She had always been too sharp for her own good. I didn't answer, but a lightbulb went off in my head. If Sakura came with me, it wouldn't be so awkward. Hinata wouldn't blame for Neji's death with Sakura there! She was way too polite and proper to do that. Sakura agreed to come with me to check on Hinata, and I knew she was being tactful when she didn't say anything about it other than "what a good idea, Naruto", but her eyes were observant, and she looked at me like she knew something that not even I knew. It made me uncomfortable.

But my hesitancy had gotten in the way again. When we got to the Hyuuga compound we found that Hinata, Shino and Kiba had already left on a scouting mission. We walked back towards Ichiraku, but for some reason I was worried. Sakura seemed to sense this, even though she said nothing at the time. The next day she informed me nonchalantly that she had checked in with Shikamaru about Hinata's mission. Team 8 would be meeting up with Sasuke and splitting into two teams to look for any traces that remained of the white Zetsu, the divine tree, or any other traces of the Otsutsuki. It sounded as if Kakashi doubted anything would be found, but he wanted to be sure, and I agreed. But that sounded dangerous. I knew that Sasuke would be taking the lead on anything related to the Otsutsuki clan, but those bastards were strong, and I wanted to be informed of them too. I didn't say anything to Sakura, and I wondered why she was telling me this. I also wondered why I was so worried. I had so much to do, and there were so many missions to complete, but I realised that whenever my mind wandered, I would be thinking of Hinata. Sometimes when I was on missions I hoped I could catch a trace of them all. Sometimes when I returned from missions I hoped to find them safely returned. But months passed in this way and I never heard a thing about them. I resisted the urge to ask after her at the Hyuuga compound or to ask Kakashi about it. If they were in trouble I was certain Kakashi would have sent me after them, so I wasn't too worried. But having Hinata out of my sight was irritating me in a way that I had never felt before.

This irritating feeling was only compounded as I started gaining fans around the village. A lot of girls had started following me everywhere; never giving me a moment's peace. At first, I found it confusing, then I found it flattering, but soon it made me a little sad. I was now getting the same treatment as Sasuke had when we were kids. But while it had always made me jealous of Sasuke, I could understand now why he had always been so aloof about it. These people did not know me. They loved the image of me. It was actually kind of lonely. Where were these people when I had been looking for recognition? I couldn't blame them for it, and I didn't resent them for it, but it frightened me. I had never really liked crowds, as it would often make people join together in cruelty. When a crowd of fans swarmed around me, all I kept thinking was that they would turn on me one day if I disappointed them. Crowds were fickle like that. It made me realise that I still didn't have the true connection I was seeking. My friends were the greatest part of my life, but even they were coming to see me as someone dependable. As someone who would swoop in and save the day. No one seemed to realise that I wanted someone to depend on too. And unwillingly, I thought of Hinata again. The way she had been watching me from childhood. The way she became fierce when she defended and protected me. The way I was able to show her my weakest side and admit my fears and she would always find a way to cheer me up or bring me back to myself. The thought made my chest ache, and I still didn't understand why. What was this feeling? Why was Hinata popping into my head so often? Why did it hurt to think that I had no idea how she felt about me anymore, and that for all I knew, she hated me for what happened to Neji?

Eleven months had passed when Team 8 finally returned to the village, but it was still two days before I saw any of them. They were exhausted, but otherwise no worse for wear, and all they wanted was to sleep in their own beds for a while. I ran into Hinata quite by accident and I was unprepared for what to say to her. It didn't help that she immediately looked down upon making eye contact with me. I didn't know what to think. She had seemed so much stronger since the attack by Pein, and she had stopped stuttering around me. Was she being shy again or was she angry with me?

"Hinata! You're back. How'd the mission go?" I asked, too loud, as I usually was when I was nervous and pretending not to be.

She took a deep breath and seemed to steel herself to look up at me. Her eyes were kind, as usual, and she wasn't blushing or stumbling like she often had when she made eye contact with me. But still, there was a shutter over her eyes as though she was trying to hide from me. She seemed more reserved than usual, and I didn't know what to make of it.

"Hello, Naruto-kun. It went well, but there wasn't much to find." She answered me, but kept walking, "I'm meeting TenTen-san for lunch."

For some reason I didn't want to let her out of my sight even though I felt much better now that she was back in the village. So, I kept pace with her as she walked, and it seemed to surprise her.

"Wow Hinata! You spent almost a year with Sasuke. I mean, yeah, he's strong...not as strong as me, ya know? But he's such a grumpy bastard. I feel sorry for you."

I walked with my hands behind my head, so she could see how carefree and friendly I was compared to that grumpy Uchiha. I don't know why, but I was worried. She was being so reserved, and she didn't seem to want to be near me as she usually did. Had her feelings changed over time? She had spent nearly a year with Sasuke. Had he gotten her under his spell too?

But then she hid her smile behind her hand as her eyes lit up with amusement. She was so pretty when she smiled. Had she always been this beautiful? She had become even more graceful and assertive after the war, where she had discovered her ability to lead. But I had never thought of how attractive she was before. I never really looked at her the way I looked at girls who were confident in their beauty. I was aware that Hinata's face was pretty, her hair long and shiny, and her figure was something Ero-sennin would write books about. But I had never ogled her the way I had other girls. I wondered why. Was it because I had so much respect for her? When I tried to see her only as a piece of eye candy, it made me feel so ashamed that I would immediately stop. Perhaps that was why it had taken me so long to notice how beautiful she was.

"I wasn't on Sasuke-kun's team, Naruto-kun. He and Shino-kun went one way, while Kiba-kun and I went the other way." She replied, and soon her amusement faded as though she couldn't maintain it for long.

There was a ghost of pain in her eyes, and I realised this was the first time I had even seen her since Neji's funeral. I was amused as I imagined what Shino and Sasuke could have possibly talked about for almost a year, but her expression took me out of my amused thoughts. She shook her pain off and continued as though nothing had happened.

"Kiba-kun and I didn't find anything besides some remains of the White Zetsu. We burned them. Shino-kun and Sasuke-kun found some coded information that they reported to Hokage-sama. It's all very secretive. But Shino-kun assured me it was nothing to worry about and that Hokage-sama was keeping Sasuke-kun in the field to keep investigating."

I wasn't really interested in the mission itself, but I was enjoying hearing her talk. I hadn't heard her voice in almost a year, and I was drinking it in. I wanted to ask her how she was doing. And some part of me wanted to know for certain if she blamed me for Neji; and if she still cared about me. It didn't seem like it. But how would I even know? She had said that she loved me, but I still couldn't pick up any specific behaviour of hers that betrayed it. I knew she loved Kiba and Shino and her sister and her clan. Was the love she felt for me different or the same? I didn't know and she wasn't giving me any clues. I knew she was supposed to have lunch with TenTen, and I could see the weapons mistress now waving at us from the teashop; but I wished I could drag Hinata with me to Ichiraku and talk everything through over a bowl of ramen.

Unfortunately, just as I was thinking this, I was bombarded by a bunch of fangirls who all wanted my attention. I was subtly pulled away from Hinata and when I looked to her for help, her expression had shut down and she looked at her feet again.

"TenTen-san is waiting for me. Have a good day, Naruto-kun."

She walked away without waiting for a response, and I felt disappointed. Had her affection for me died? The girls became impatient when they realised I was watching Hinata walk away and not giving them any attention. They started pulling on my arms and I realised I would need to escape. I managed to jump up to the roof and I chuckled as I heard their noises of disappointment. But when I looked back to Hinata to see TenTen embracing her as though she was in pain, I felt my own disappointment emerge. Hinata looked so sad. I wanted to be there for her the way she always had been for me. But it felt like she didn't want me near her. Had I completely lost her? It was with a heavy heart that I dragged my feet back to my cold and empty apartment.

I rarely caught glimpses of Hinata over the next few months. She was constantly out on missions or holed up in the compound helping to rebuild her clan. And when she wasn't sent out on missions, I was the one sent out, as though the fates themselves were trying to keep us apart. I became convinced that she no longer felt anything for me. It was easy enough to believe. It was hard to imagine her caring for someone like me in the first place. But after I had completely avoided her confession, and gotten her cousin killed, it was no wonder that she couldn't stand to look at me. I had disappointed her too many times. It hurt to think about; but it mostly hurt because I knew it was of my own doing. My choices and my actions had caused her to lose faith in me. She had showed me again and again that she cared, and all I had shown her was my indifference. I was never indifferent; but how could she possibly know that with the way I had avoided her? And yet a part of me was relieved that I had never broached the topic with her. I was still clinging to my belief that realistic hopes would only lead to disappointment. I had known that eventually I would do something to make her turn from me, and a part of me was glad that it was sooner rather than later. People were fickle that way, and it was only natural that she would give up on me. Then something happened to make me certain that Hinata no longer felt anything for me.

I was returning from a mission, and I stopped at a town with a Hot Springs. As I was relaxing, I was surprised to hear familiar voices coming from the girls' baths when I was so far from Konoha. I heard the loudest voice first and was able to figure out who else was there afterwards. Ino had always been excitable.

"Man, Hinata! I keep thinking I'll catch up to you in the chest department, but we're still pretty much even!" Came Ino's loud cry of dismay.

"Ha! You wish you were even, Ino-pig." Sakura's voice chided.

"Aww geez, it's always the same with these two, ne Hinata?" TenTen's slightly softer voice complained.

I had to strain my ears to hear, but if there was a response from Hinata I couldn't hear it.

"How are things at the compound now, Hinata?" Sakura asked sympathetically, "Is your father still ruthlessly trying to restore the clan?"

"No…no he's a lot better now," I finally heard Hinata's quiet voice squeak out, "He realised that there are too few of us to keep the old traditions in place. He convinced the Elders to stop placing the caged bird seal on the Branch members. I think he did it in honour of Neji nii-san. Now, he's more focused on securing advantageous marriages for us remaining clan members so that the next generation of Hyuuga can be strong enough to ensure the clan's survival."

"It's terrible that your clan is in such a weakened position. I guess it's because you were all on the frontlines in the war," Ino commented, but then her voice became teasing, "But why are you being so stingy with the details…is your father trying to secure you a marriage too?"

"Of course!" TenTen said with fire, "Our Hinata is the cream of the crop in the Hyuuga clan, and she can have the pick of anyone she wants. So Hiashi-sama better not stick her with anyone old or ugly."

"TenTen-san…" Hinata complained, and I could even hear the blush and mortification in her voice.

I felt my heartrate pick up at the idea of Hinata getting married. I didn't even know why. It wasn't like I loved her. It wasn't like I wanted to marry her. I should feel happy that she was moving on from the limbo I had placed her in.

"But, I thought…" Sakura's voice was softer than before, "What about…? I thought you loved Naruto. You wouldn't agree to an arranged marriage, would you?"

Silence.

I found myself shaking the longer the silence went on. One half of me wanted to swim away from the boundary wall and not hear anything else; but the dominant half stayed in place and strained to hear Hinata's answer. But Ino was the one who broke the silence.

"Damn, forehead girl, why would you mention him now? We were having fun. Now, look at her face." Ino sounded haughty and irritated. "She's been in love with him for ages, but he's too stupid to notice and too immature to love her back. What? Was she just supposed to wait for him forever? When there's a nice, handsome young Lord out there who would count himself lucky to have her?"

"Hinata…?" Sakura ignored Ino and appealed directly and gently to the quiet girl.

More silence.

"Actually, Hiashi-sama did set a condition for the arranged marriage…" TenTen broke the silence hesitantly.

"TenTen-san!" Hinata's voice chided a little louder than before.

"But you're being so quiet, and the silence is killing me!"

"Tell us, Ten-Ten," Ino demanded, "Now that you let it slip, we're not gonna let it go until we know."

Someone sighed, but I couldn't tell who.

"Hiashi-sama is not going to set Hinata up until she talks to Naruto." TenTen supplied in an apologetic tone that I assume was aimed at Hinata. "Their whole clan knows the impact Naruto has had on Hinata from childhood already. Hiashi-sama said it would be unfair to both Hinata and her future husband if she still had unresolved feelings for Naruto. Whether Naruto feels the same or not, at least she will have an answer and can move forward instead of being stuck. Hiashi-sama told Hinata to take as long as she needs if it means she will not have any regrets when she marries. But…" TenTen trailed off.

"But you have no intention of talking to Naruto, do you?" Sakura asked sadly.

Silence.

"And why should she?" Ino was fierce once more. "He's obviously not interested. Why should she have to humiliate herself further? And maybe she's ready for an arranged marriage. It's not fair that her father won't make any arrangement until she talks to that idiot. Maybe she's already given up on him. And talking to him about it any further would be pointless."

"Is that true, Hinata?" Sakura asked kindly. "Are you really willing to marry a stranger without even trying? Won't you always regret not knowing for sure?"

Silence.

"It's not like she hasn't tried before." TenTen spoke up softly. "Hinata is not the same as she once was. Not after the war. Not after Neji. Her clan is starting to see her as a leader, and she wants to do what is best for them. A good marriage would help the clan. But if Hinata refuses to speak to Naruto, and if Hiashi-sama won't arrange a marriage until she does, then there's no point trying to force her to do anything. Maybe she doesn't want to be married to a stranger or to Naruto. Maybe she's giving herself time to fall in love with someone else? Did you ever think of that?"

There was a depressing silence from all the girls.

"Hinata, you can stop all our speculation by speaking up, you know?" Ino added slyly.

"Uhm…I heard that Hokage-sama is upgrading our mission gear." I finally heard Hinata's quiet voice as she changed the subject, "What do you think it will look like?"

"Probably something pervy and revealing that will suit Ino-pig's loud personality well." Sakura added, and that was all it took for their conversation to degrade into insults and guesswork.

I immediately felt ashamed that I had tried so hard to overhear their conversation and swam away from the edge. In fact, I was suddenly feeling cold despite the hot springs. I decided it was time for me to leave anyway. I didn't want to be at this inn or in this town. I wanted to go home to my tiny and lonely apartment, where I deserved to be. I rushed home and didn't slow down until the door closed behind me. Why did the apartment suddenly feel colder and quieter than it had been before? I suddenly saw myself as an old man still living here, completely alone. Why was I struggling to breathe? My chest felt so heavy. Everything felt so dark and cold. What was causing this? Why did I feel so upset? Was it just because Hinata had moved on? But I didn't care about her that way. And it had always made me uncomfortable when I thought that she cared about me. So why was my stomach writhing in knots? Why was my head so heavy? Why were there stabbing pains in my chest? I couldn't understand it. I had always known that Hinata was deluded or mistaken and that she would eventually find someone better. So why did it hurt?

I realised that I needed to see her. I just wanted to look into her eyes and really see her. To know once and for all how she felt. How I felt. I didn't know if I was smart enough to understand what I would see, but a part of me needed to know. No. It shouldn't matter. Not if she was determined to move on. I shouldn't be hoping for her to still care about me. I shouldn't be standing in her way. I should be a good friend and stop holding her back. But all I knew was that in some weird way I felt that Hinata belonged to me. She was the only one who saw me. I didn't want to lose that. But I knew it was selfish to think that way. How could I want her to keep looking at me when I was never offering her anything in return? And Hinata was a free and wonderful person who didn't belong to anyone. So why did I feel so betrayed? This selfishness just proved that I was a monster. Hinata was better off without me anyway. I resolved to stay away from her.

It was times like this that I was glad Kurama and I had made peace. In the past the Kyuubi would have taken advantage of all these negative emotions I was feeling and made me do something regrettable. But the damned fox was sleeping, pretending like he didn't notice my turmoil, and wasn't going to offer me any advice. So, I decided to sleep. The next day when I went to report to Kakashi-sensei he gave me my new mission gear and sent me out on another mission. Usually, I would have moaned about not catching a break. But now I was just happy for the distraction. I made sure to get a haircut before leaving. My spiky hair was too long and reminded me of childhood. It didn't suit my new black jacket or the strange new emotions I was feeling.

I carried out my mission seamlessly and when I returned to Konoha the snow had started to fall. Hinata had just returned from a mission a few days ago as well. Not that I had asked. For some reason Sakura liked to keep me informed of Hinata's movements. The Rinne festival was coming up soon, and I sighed at the thought. I always had a lot of fans from other villages approach me whenever we had big festivals. So, I was bombarded for a few days. And of course, Iruka-sensei demanded that I give the academy students a special demonstration class as a Rinne festival gift to him. The sly bastard. I was always nice to my fans, even though they irritated me sometimes. But they were extremely tenacious now, coming up to me with gifts, bothering me when I was out with my friends. And for some reason whenever I spotted Hinata there were always fangirls around who distracted me for a split-second, only for Hinata to have used that to disappear. Was she avoiding me too? The thought made me sad.

That's why I was so glad when Sakura called Hinata over as we were all eating at Ichiraku. Even though the fangirls were there, Hinata couldn't disappear as she usually did. I was happy to see her, especially when she came to sit with us. Even though I had vowed to stay away from her, it still brightened my day when I caught sight of her. I'd never eaten with her at Ichiraku before and for some reason I was excited to share a meal with her. But she wouldn't look at me again. And before I knew it, the fangirls were demanding my attention and Hinata was walking off into the night. I sighed inwardly as I realised that Hinata still didn't want to be around me, and I couldn't understand why Sakura tried to get me to walk Hinata home. It was obvious that Hinata didn't want to be here, and I wasn't going to force my company on her. Sakura was so upset at me for that, but I didn't get it. Sakura knew that Hinata was done with me and didn't want to be around me. Why was she trying to force things?

I mulled their behaviour over as I walked home that night. But then I felt my heart stutter as I saw Hinata talking to herself near my apartment. Did she come to see me? Was she coming to talk to me like her father had stipulated? I felt excited at the thought. Then I calmed down. Why would I get excited? Even if she was coming to confess to me, I wouldn't even know what to say. What if I was only going to hurt her? But the excitement wouldn't disappear. I waited for her to say the words, but she wouldn't look at me. She seemed surprised and embarrassed to run into me. Why? Wasn't she here for me? There was no one else she knew in this vicinity was there? I invited her up for some ramen, hoping to have some time alone to talk things through. But then she stared at my neck, at the scarf my mom had knitted, and something seemed to upset her so much that she ran off with no warning. I was puzzled. It took me a few seconds to realise that I couldn't just let her go when I was finally getting a chance to talk to her alone. How had she disappeared so quickly? Even for a shinobi she was swift. I walked around leisurely, looking for her. I was just debating whether I should go into Sage mode and search for her chakra when I heard her scream.

Now, it was a whole mess. Hinata had been attacked. Hanabi had been taken. We were on a mission to find some weird guy and get Hanabi back, and Kakashi was worrying about the moon. The good part about it was that I finally got to go on a mission with Hinata and spend some time with her. In fact, my duty in the mission was to protect her, something I always enjoyed doing to pay her back for all the times she protected me. But she was so worried about her sister that I knew now was not the time to be having a heart to heart with her. So, I kept my distance. She was professional and gently determined and I found myself enjoying her silent companionship.

But then we entered that weird lake and fell into a Genjutsu, and everything changed. When Sakura came to fetch me from the illusion, I was still not sure whether what I had seen was real or not. Everyone else seemed to be trapped in their own memories. So was I, at first. But then I had seen what could only be described as Hinata's memories, and it terrified me. I was terrified that it was not true. That it was a trick by the enemy to have me lower my guard. But as I came to realise that I had truly seen Hinata's memories, I became even more terrified that it was true. That Hinata had loved me since childhood and loved me still. That she had been and still was willing to die if it meant protecting me. That she had seen every part of me, and nothing had ever put her off, not even when she learned there was a monster inside me. That she had never given up on me and had been trying for so long to get me to see her true feelings, but I was just too stupid to realise it. And that the feel of her memories felt so similar to mine that I suddenly knew I felt the same way as her. Was this love? Sakura was right when she'd told Hinata I knew nothing of love. I hadn't recognised it when I felt it. But the way I felt about Hinata was so different and so much stronger than the way I felt about anyone else. What was I supposed to do now? It seemed Hinata wanted to talk to me after all, but she just couldn't seem to work up the courage. Could I bring it up first? Should I even bring it up when her sister was in danger? And what if I was wrong? What if I was too late and her affection wasn't strong enough to survive all the pain I had put her through?

My head had been spinning throughout this mission. Now that I realised that I had feelings for Hinata suddenly I was the one who couldn't look at her. I watched her out of the corner of my eye. But when she looked at me, I had to look away. My heart started to race and some heat rushed to my face, and I was terrified that if I made eye contact with her she would see right through me. Was this how she had felt all the time? Was this why she had always looked at her feet and blushed and stuttered and fainted all these years? I couldn't believe how stupid I had been to not understand how she felt. I had never felt this way before. Somehow, I had given in to hope. It was new and scary and exciting, and it felt as if a new world was open to me.

Hinata seemed to notice the change in my behaviour. I couldn't explain it myself. I relaxed around her. I stopped putting on fake confidence. I felt calmer, and my voice became gentler as I spoke to her. I wanted her to know more of me. I wanted her to stop being so reserved around me. She seemed to relax around me too. I made her giggle and I wondered at the sound. Had I ever heard her laugh before? And why did the sound go straight to my chest and make me feel like I was floating? I almost forgot we were on a mission. But Hinata never did. There were sombre reminders everywhere, and something seemed to be bothering her. She grew quieter. More reserved. She pulled away from me and I could feel it. I knew there was something on her mind, and I didn't know what to do. I stole a glance at her once while she was so preoccupied, and the quick glance turned into a stare. I was mesmerised by her. She was so beautiful. Her new mission gear made her beauty and grace so obvious that I would have noticed her even if she wasn't all I was thinking about lately. Her eyes were faraway, but I could see the strength and determination in them. But there was also pain and isolation. Hinata never depended on anyone. She had always been alone, and I could see that she was suffering alone now. Something was bothering her, but instead of asking me for help, she pushed me away. Suddenly, I wanted her to depend on me. I wanted to belong to her. I needed her to know that I was hers.

But she was amazing. I would never be allowed to keep her. People like her and people like me just didn't end up together. Why did she love me? It made no sense. I was terrified that one day I would wake up and it had all been a dream, or a joke, or a trick. I couldn't take that risk. I couldn't tell her how I felt. But of course, the more I determined to keep it to myself, the easier it was for me to spill the beans accidentally. Damn. And then she asked me to repeat myself and I had to say it again. And then she just stared at me. And then she was silent. And I had never felt a moment last so long. I silently begged her to rescue me. I was terrified that my love would never be enough for anyone, but I still told her I loved her. I made the decision to trust her. I'd taken the leap. She was supposed to catch me.

But she just let me fall. I don't know what she would have said if that bastard Toneri hadn't shown up at that exact moment. I hated that guy. I still do. All my insecurity around Hinata is wrapped around him. He came for his bride, and she went with him willingly and then I was being blasted back to earth and the pain was still not as bad as how it felt to watch her leave with him. When I woke after three days, the pain came back to me immediately. I froze. I couldn't do anything. Shikamaru and Sai were trying to cheer me up, but I was in a pit of despair. For the first time in my life I had chased a realistic hope, and this was what I got in return. A small part of me knew that the Hinata I knew would not go with the man who had hurt her sister without a reason. But mostly all I could think about was how I had lost her. Every doubt, every insecurity that I had ever felt came to the forefront of my mind. Toneri was probably cooler and more handsome and stronger and less childish. He was from the same kind of clan as her. Even Hiashi-sama would probably approve. It had never made any sense for Hinata to love me, and she had finally woken up. I didn't care that I was on a mission. I wasn't even aware of anyone around me. Hinata had abandoned me, and that had opened the door for all my old pain to return. I realised now how long I had actually been hoping for her love; how long I had actually come to see her as someone who would always be watching me. I felt empty inside.

The only thing that was able to snap me out of my depression was the realisation that Sakura was injured. I tried to pull myself together and be there for her. But she was the one who ended up being there for me. She was so calm. She had so much faith in Hinata's love for me. She snapped me out of it completely and I had never been more grateful for her. Here I was wallowing in self-pity when Hinata was probably in danger. That thought got me all fired up! Yes, how could I let her down again when she was taking all the risks once more? I was not going to lose her. I understood now. If Hinata felt even half of what I felt for her, then I should never have doubted her. I let my insecurities get in the way. With renewed vigour we set out to get Hinata and Hanabi back.

But when we got there, I could barely contain all the emotions I was feeling. I was so distraught to find I was almost too late to stop Hinata and Toneri's farce of a wedding. I was angry and disgusted to see how she was being controlled. And I was happy and relieved when she came back to herself and reassured me that she had not meant to abandon me. After that, it all became laughingly easy. I had Hinata on my side and I was certain that she would stay there. Nothing would get me down. Not Toneri's giant creepy Tenseigan eye-thingy. Not Toneri's creepy puppet thingies. Not his sudden boost in power, or the fact that we were basically destroying the moon. It was a difficult battle, but all my insecurities had disappeared, and nothing bothered me anymore. When it was over Hinata offered to let Toneri come back to earth with us. I tried to hide my distaste, but I was so glad when he refused. Never before had I disliked an enemy so much. Usually, I could find something in common with them. But when I looked at Toneri, all I saw was the man who tried to take Hinata from me. I was glad when we left him behind and made our way back to earth. I had Hinata's hand in mine and I was not going to let go of her again. I had wasted so much time with my stupidity. Really, Hinata should have given up on me ages ago. I had no idea how I got so lucky.

When we shot back to earth and into the sky, I was so overwhelmed with gratitude for her that I kissed her. I was surprised that she let me, and I was surprised by how instinctual it was, and how good it felt. Of course, our momentum slowed, and I had to let go of her as we dropped to the ground. Luckily, the others hadn't seen anything, but I could feel the heat in my face as I took her hand. Aww man, I was so forward. I didn't even know how things worked in her old stuffy clan, but I was sure I was supposed to ask her father for permission to court her first. Here I was kissing her before we'd even gone out together. But she was smiling at me, and her eyes twinkled happily.

Something came over me then as I looked at her. What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I suddenly so shy and warm in the face? My stomach was all in knots. She was supposed to be the shy one. And I'd just kissed her! I couldn't just go around being shy now. What if she thought I was weird and changed her mind?

"Naruto-kun?" she asked hesitantly, responding to my awkwardness after I'd just made a big speech about wanting to be with her forever.

"Uhm…I want to ask you on a date, but I dunno how to do these things." I admitted, laughing awkwardly, and scratching the back of my head. "Is your dad totally going to kill me?"

Hinata giggled at my expression, and I pouted at her. This was the second time I'd made her laugh, and both times she had been laughing at my expense. Unfortunately, the more I pouted the more she giggled at me.

"How can you be laughing at a time like this?" I demanded, miffed, and folded my arms, "If your old man finds out I took advantage and kissed you, he's going to put Kurama's head above the Hyuuga fireplace."

I felt Kurama bristle inside me and I laughed at him inwardly. It was amazing how much lighter I felt compared to a few hours ago. Hinata looked the same. I had never seen her look so happy and light. Hanabi was safe, we were back, and she was confident that I felt the same way as her. She giggled one last time at my words and then calmed into a small smile.

"My father certainly would not do that. I'm sure he'll be happy for us, Naruto-kun," her eyes sparkled, and she activated her Byakugan for a split-second to see where the others were, before she leaned in and shyly placed a soft kiss on my cheek. "There, I've taken advantage of you too. Now, father will have to take my head as well if he wants yours."

I was surprised and amused. I had never seen her so playful before. It was amazing what a boost of confidence could do for her. I was eager to get to know this side of Hinata and I wanted to get back to the village and take her on a date immediately. She giggled when I told her that, but she had no idea how serious I was. Or maybe she did, because she did not seem that surprised when I went with her to the Hyuuga compound on our return to the village. We left Shikamaru to make our report and we went to drop Hanabi at home. Hanabi and Sai had been teasing me all the way home because I would not let go of Hinata's hand. I only let go of her when we were in sight of the compound. I left her to freshen up and get Hanabi settled back in, while I marched straight to Hiashi's office. I was polite, but a bit more defensive than was necessary because I was working on the assumption that Hiashi would be against the idea of me dating Hinata. The old man surprised me by only asking me a few questions before giving me his blessing.

One of his questions puzzled me. He asked what my intentions were with Hinata, and first he had to explain what he meant by intentions. I accidentally called him sama-san, which made no sense, and I'm surprised he didn't ban me from the compound for such a loss in composure. And then of course when I understood what intentions were, I told him I had all the intentions. I got all excited as I explained that I wanted to be with Hinata forever. I couldn't say for sure, but I think he found me amusing. Still, his facial expression never changed, so I might have been imagining things.

"Well then, Naruto-kun, you may return to me when you feel the time is right to ask for my blessing to marry her."

And then I frowned in confusion and stroked my chin in thought.

"Hey, Hiashi-sama, wouldn't it be easier if I just got your blessing now? That way I know I can just ask her when I feel it, ya know? Without having to worry that I'm stepping on your toes."

Hiashi-sama looked so taken aback. But after a second, he gave a reluctant chuckle and I watched him suspiciously. I hadn't found what I said to be so funny. Was he laughing because he didn't think Hinata would want to marry me?

"Fine, Naruto-kun. Usually, people enter a courtship first for several months before they ask for a blessing. But if you want to ask for my daughter's hand before you have even started courting, who am I to stand in the way of such dedication. You have my blessing."

"Yes!" I pumped my fist in the air excitedly before I realised how undignified that was, "Thank you sama-san…I mean Hiashi-sama."

I bowed awkwardly to appear more polite, but when I was finally dismissed, I nearly skipped out of the room. Hinata was waiting for me, and I wasted no time in taking her hand again. She smiled at me, and we made our way out of the compound. We hadn't returned too late and Ichiraku was just over the usual dinner rush. It was automatic. As easy as breathing. We walked together without once questioning where we were going. We both headed for Ichiraku and sat down before we even knew what we were doing. Hinata asked me how things had gone with her father, and I told her how I had embarrassed myself. She giggled and told me it wasn't so bad. I had a wonderful time with Hinata. And since we had barely spoken to each other in two years before this mission, we had a lot to catch up on. I found myself falling more in love the more she spoke. She was no longer shy and hesitant with her speech, because she was confident in my feelings, and I realised how many interesting things she had to say. She had a kind word about everyone, and a great sense of humour. No wonder she put up with me for so long. Most people would always get irritated by my antics, but Hinata enjoyed a good laugh. She giggled whenever she spoke about Kiba's antics, or the way people reacted to Shino, and even when she described some of my funnier moments. But her favourite moments involved Gai-sensei. When TenTen complained about him, or when Lee emulated him, it always entertained her. She laughed out loud as I recounted some of the funnier Team Gai moments I had witnessed. She smiled sadly at that, and I knew she was thinking about Neji.

"I'm sorry I didn't come around to see you after Neji." I acknowledged the sombre thought, even though I didn't want to sour the mood. "I wanted to. But I felt so guilty. I blamed myself for a long time, and I really thought you blamed me too."

She was shaking her head and smiling even before I had finished.

"It wasn't your fault, Naruto-kun. Neji nii-san died for what he believed in. He sacrificed himself using his own free will. For you, and for me. I miss him so much, but I never once blamed you, Naruto-kun. Neji nii-san fought his destiny all his life because your words gave him the strength to do so. He was so grateful for you Naruto-kun."

She smiled at me, and I felt the clench in my heart lessening. I had no idea how long I had been carrying that pain and worry around. I should have known that she would have alleviated the pain, not compounded it. She always had.

"I'm okay now," she continued, "I think TenTen-san is feeling Neji nii-san's absence even more than me because now she has to deal with Lee-san and Gai-sensei all by herself."

I chuckled as her eyes twinkled with humour. How had I never noticed this side of her? I was quickly becoming addicted to it. I made her laugh even harder as I mentioned that Neji wouldn't have been much help. He was too dignified. Neji was just as helpless as TenTen to stop the antics of Gai and Lee. I impersonated some of Neji's facial expressions when Gai and Lee were doing something embarrassing, and I had her in stitches. Then her laughter faded as we heard cries of recognition from some of my fangirls who were passing by.

"Naruto-senpai!" some of them called, and I noticed Hinata stiffen.

My shinobi instincts kicked in automatically as I summoned two dozen shadow clones to shield us from my fangirls. Hinata looked up in surprise, but I just smiled, trying to ignore what was happening behind us. The shadow clones made a semi-circle around us and gave us loads of space so we wouldn't be bothered. They folded their arms and offered autographs here and there, while we heard the occasional cry from one of them:

"I already gave you an autograph the other day, didn't I?"; "Hey, Hey, stop trying to sneak a peek, I'm busy, ya know?"; "Can't a guy eat in peace?"; "You can't interrupt a date, ya know?"; "Move along, move along."; "The great Naruto-sama is not entertaining anyone but Hinata tonight."

Damn, they were loud, and difficult to ignore. But Hinata didn't seem to mind. She found it all very amusing. She seemed to like it when I chased my fangirls away.

"I'm sorry about them," I noted as we slurped our ramen (I slurped; she ate daintily), "They keep following me around. But I know you usually disappear when they come around. I've been trying to talk to you for weeks, but they always got in the way."

She looked surprised, and her cheeks turned adorably red.

"I had no idea you wanted to talk to me, Naruto-kun." She looked down at her bowl and her fingers twitched as though she wanted to fidget but stopped herself, "It was difficult for me to see other girls fawning over you when I didn't know how you felt. I thought maybe you would end up liking one of them…but…but they don't bother me so much now that I know…"

The thought that any other girl could awaken such intense feelings inside of me was preposterous. I chuckled at the thought and looked around so no one could hear my confession. I hoped she wouldn't think I was weird. I told her the truth: that in all honesty, I'd never really considered girls before. That I'd seen Sakura as my ideal because I knew love was something to strive for. But I never really knew what love felt like until I realised that I was in love with her. She turned redder at my confession, but I enjoyed how easy it was to talk to her about my feelings. I wasn't the type of person to hide my emotions. I was an all or nothing type of person. I had Hinata's love and Hiashi's blessing, and I could already picture coming home to Hinata every day. It was probably way too early to consider marriage, but I was ready. I was more than ready. Besides being Hokage, one of my biggest unrealistic dreams was having a family one day. I couldn't wait to count Hinata as my very first living family member.

Our ramen was finished, but I didn't want the night to end. I knew she had a sweet tooth, so I wanted to take her for some dango or cinnamon rolls, but my father's face caught my eye and I changed tactics. I nodded for her to follow me, and we were able to sneak away from the clones and the fangirls without drawing attention. We were shinobi after all. I took her to the top of the great stone faces and stood on my father's head. She looked confused as to what we were doing here but the view distracted her. I wasn't suave. I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say. But I just went for it.

"Hinata, I'm sorry I never gave you an answer after that thing with Pein," I admitted with my eyes on the view, refusing to look at her, "Everything kept getting in the way, and then I kept postponing it, and then I was just being a coward. Really. No one scares me like you do. I just didn't believe you. I know it's not an excuse. I just…I was…I still am…terrified that you're going to wake up one day and realise you're too good for me. People are fickle, ya know? And no one has ever wanted to stay with me before. I couldn't believe someone like you could want someone like me."

I could sense her frown as I admitted my weakness. I felt her hand slip into mine, comforting me.

"You are not fickle, Naruto-kun. And neither am I. I never go back on my word, Naruto-kun. I…I love you. And I want to be by your side. If you don't have faith in my feelings, have faith in our ninja way."

This girl. I nearly had tears in my eyes. She always knew just how to calm me. How could I have ever gotten by without this girl? This feeling that I now knew was love, it was so much stronger now that I recognised it, but I had no idea how long it had actually been there. When had I fallen in love with Hinata? Right now, it seemed like I had always loved her. How could I have gotten so lucky for a girl like this to want me? I tried to do as she said, to have faith in her word, and found it easier. But still, there was a shred of doubt that I wouldn't get to have her. I didn't want to give anyone or anything else a chance to take her away from me.

"I don't want to scare you Hinata, but I was serious when I said I want to be with you forever. I already got your father's blessing to marry you." I snuck a peek at her expression, but she didn't even seem surprised. Perhaps she knew me better than I thought. She knew the all or nothing person that I was. I babbled on, encouraged by her expression. "I don't know how to do this thing formally. And I'm not very good at romance. At least, I don't think so. You'll have to tell me if I am or not someday. But I want to marry you, Hinata. I want to be by your side too. It's not too soon for me. I guess…I'm kinda proposing. But you don't have to accept now if you don't want to. If it's too soon for you. I don't want to be confident that you'll say yes…but all my life I've had this strange feeling that you're mine and mine alone. I want you to know that I'm yours too. Believe it! So, now you know where my head's at. So, if ever you feel you're ready to marry me, you can just go ahead and tell me the date you have in mind."

Hinata was shaking, and I thought maybe she was upset, but then I saw she was laughing.

"Naruto-kun," She chuckled at me, "This is why Hokage-sama calls you the number one ninja in surprising people."

I was deflated, but at least she wasn't rejecting me. I pouted at her as I waited for an answer, but she just chuckled more.

"Hey, hey, Hinata. I never knew you were so mean. That's not an answer, ya know? I'm trying to propose here!"

She giggled once more and wrapped her arms around me in a surprisingly comforting gesture.

"I know. I'm sorry, Naruto-kun. It was just so unexpected," her chuckles died down and she looked up at me with her eyes twinkling happily. "Would you really be ready to marry me right now?"

"I'd be happy to marry you tonight if that's what you want." And I was dead serious. In fact, I tried to keep myself from getting too excited at the idea.

"Maybe not right now," she replied hesitantly, "But what if I said I'll only be ready in a few years?"

She looked at me as though I was supposed to be upset by her words. I knew most people needed to court for longer to feel more secure. And I knew that great houses made big deals of weddings and her clan would need time to plan a lavish one. I didn't mind if she needed more time.

"Hinata, we can have a ten-year long engagement as long as you say yes. And don't just say it willy-nilly, because you know we don't go back on our word…"

"Yes," she interrupted me seriously.

And I paused as the word registered in my mind.

"Yeah?" I asked, excited.

"Yes, Naruto-kun. I can't imagine a world where I would ever say no to you. I've loved you for as long as I remember. And I want to walk beside you always. I just need some time to prepare myself and my clan. I don't know how to be a wife. I'm sure I still have a lot to learn."

"I don't know how to be a husband either. But I'm sure we're going to be awesome at it. Believe it!"

She giggled and snuggled closer to me.

"Naruto-kun, you are so weird. Only you would propose on the first date."

I grinned so wide I could feel my cheeks hurting. How strange that I had always thought she was weird, and here I was being weirder than her. I didn't care if it was weird. It took me long enough to figure out I loved her. I wasn't going to waste any more time. I rubbed my nose sheepishly as I decided then and there to be a little forward again.

"Hey, Hinata. Even though it's only our first date, would it be alright if I kissed you? I mean, we are engaged, ya know?"

I tapped my fingers nervously at the request, wondering when I had suddenly gotten so shy around Hinata. She giggled at my hesitancy and her eyes lit up as she nodded. I smiled as I took her face in my hands and placed my lips on hers. Who knew that a kiss could fill my soul so completely? I felt all warm and tingly and complete. I thought she would let go, but she hesitantly wrapped her arms around my neck and stood up on tiptoe to press more firmly against me. Well, look at her being as forward as me and taking the initiative! At this rate I would have to see if I could convince her to have the wedding sooner rather than later. I was quickly getting addicted to her company, and we were both Jounin now, so we were constantly being sent out on missions. We wouldn't see much of each other, so I really couldn't wait to have someone to come home to after a mission. She pulled away as she shivered in the cold air and smiled at me.

"I don't want to go back to the compound yet." She admitted.

"How about some cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate?" I offered.

If possible, she looked even more excited now than when we had gotten engaged. Damn, I loved her. I suddenly thought of that list I had drawn up. It had been compiled in order, not in terms of impact, but I suddenly had the urge to move this weirdo Hyuuga-sama to the top of my list.

My thoughts were wiped clear as my weird soon-to-be wife left me behind in search of sweet delicacies. I watched her long hair swishing as she led the way and contemplated how we had gotten to this point. I hesitated for a while so I could chastise myself properly. I had been so stupid by making her wait for me for so long. She stopped a few metres away and turned to look for me in confusion. She had only just noticed I was not following her. So weird. As though she thought the cinnamon rolls would simply get up and roll away if she didn't hurry. I smiled at her behaviour, congratulating myself on finding someone so wonderful.

She giggled once more and held her hand out to me. Without hesitation, I took it.