CHAPTER 104
BELLA'S POV:
When Edward said he had to go prepare for his day at work tomorrow, I was trying to get a read on him. I saw several micro-expressions cross his face in those few words, making me wonder what emotions Edward was trying to keep from the surface. I could guess he was overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, perhaps even angry. But was there more? As I watched him retreat down the driveway towards his car, I couldn't help but worry. I didn't like this distance that was being placed between us, and it's not like he offered a plan of when we would see him next. Would he come over for dinner after his shift like he normally did? Or would the excuses start, giving him even more space? I knew he needed a break but I was more worried what being alone with his thoughts would do.
"Everything okay Bella?" I heard Carlisle ask, breaking me from my perusal.
Turning to look at him, I responded, "Just tired."
"After the trip you guys had, that is completely understandable."
"You heard?" I asked, surprised.
"Edward called yesterday."
"Ah, I see," thinking of when he had time to call. It must have been after his blow up at Tony, when we stopped at the rest stop. When we returned to the car, he had appeared calmer, even offered to stop for the day. "So last night's break was your suggestion?" I asked.
"From the sound of things, I think everyone could have used a break. Edward was quite rattled with how unpredictable the trip was going," Carlisle responded.
This wasn't news to me. Apparently, Edward had a very structured plan for our road trip—a rookie mistake. I tried my best to point out the flaws in the plan of making the drive in a set number of days, but Edward couldn't be deterred. I knew then this trip wasn't going to go smoothly. I just had no idea how many troubles would come our way.
"How are you feeling though? Being cooped up must have caused your body some ailments. Can I get you some of your pain medicine?" he offered.
Truthfully, taking some medicine and passing out sounded ideal right about now, but I was always a parent first. "But what about Tony?"
"Esme has missed him something fierce. Let us worry about him tonight. You worry about you. From all you had to deal with, it sounds like you could use a break too."
"Are you sure?" I hesitated.
"Positive. You can be mom the of year tomorrow. Today, just be Bella, and take care of yourself. Have a bath, relax," he reassured.
"Thank you, Carlisle."
"I've been on a few road trips in my day. I know that sometimes the best medicine is just to check out for a while." Clapping his hands together, Carlisle took us back to the present. "Now, what bags do you need for tonight?"
I directed him to the three bags that would have to come in with us, and he quickly got to work. As I made my way inside, I could hear Tony telling Esme about our journey. Its always interesting to hear a kid's take on things. Some of the disasters, he saw as quests. If only his father could view things the same way. When I made it to my room and saw the bed, I was half tempted just to collapse, and go to sleep now. But a bath really did sound good, and I was worried if I sat down, there would be no getting back up. I prepared the tub, adding some of the specialty salts I found under the sink, and then waited for the water to rise. While that was happening, I reflected on our time away.
This trip back to Forks was filled to the brim. Before I could even think about the road trip from hell, I had to take a moment to reflect on the encounter with Jacob. Thankfully, after our talk at Sam's house, we didn't see him again. He must have needed more time to calm down because he never returned to the beach. I know Tony was upset that he didn't get to catch up with his uncle, but I promised him that he could Facetime and communicate with him when we got back to Chicago. That seemed to appease him, though I could still see the disappointment in his eyes. It helped that Billy made his way back over to spend what precious time was left with us. Tony spent the evening filling him in on all the great things that were going on in Chicago. At one point, Billy even pulled me aside and told me that he thought I was making the right decision because it was obvious that Tony was thriving there. I really appreciated his declaration because I was trying not to let Jacob's words hurt me and make me doubt my choices.
I enjoyed spending the evening with Emily and Sam, just catching up like old times. But it wasn't exactly like old times, as Edward was there at my side. He contributed to the conversation, and him and Sam seemed to get on really well. Emily confided in me that they were trying to have a baby, but with little luck so far. She was worried that she was infertile. I told her to just relax because I heard that stress wasn't good for either ovulation or sex drive. It would happen when it's meant to happen, and instead of worrying about it, she needed to focus on the fun part—the actual baby making part. That at least got a laugh out of her. I really was rooting for them.
A knock on the door startled me out of my reflections.
"Carlisle said you were going to take a bath—I was just checking if you needed any help getting in. I know your leg is getting stronger every day, but when you throw water and slippery surfaces into the mix, it sounds like a recipe for trouble," Esme offered.
While I wanted to be independent, Esme was probably right. My muscles were extra tired and sore, so even if I could get into the tub myself on a good day today was not one of those days. "Sure. Thank you, Esme."
"It's no worries. I've been a bit lost without you all here—the house just felt wrong. I know it was only a couple of days, but I really missed you guys," she said, as she came over to stop the flowing water as I disrobed.
"We missed you too," I told her, though I was distracted by what she just said. "What are you going to do when we move into the new house?" I asked her, curious. Then my stomach clenched, as I thought, are we still moving into the new house?
Esme must have seen something on my face, because she quickly jumped to reassure me. "This is going to be a great step for you all. I'm sure I'll just have to invite myself over to your place to get my fill."
She helped me into the tub, and said that she would check back on me in a bit. I asked her where Tony was, and she told me that he had talked himself to sleep on the couch, so she left him there to recuperate. The fact that Mr. I-hate-Naps easily went down just shows how hard this trip was on everyone. Lounging back into a comfortable position, I reflected on where things went wrong.
While I haven't been on many long trips with Tony, I knew that he had a short attention span. Being cooped up in a car is hard on anyone, let alone a little one who gets bored easily. I prepared with snacks and entertainment. There was enough in those bags to keep him entertained for more than a week, so the few days we planned should have been fine. But of course, Tony went through most of everything in the first day or two—and then nothing was good enough. I should have spaced out the entertainment—at least I know better going forward. Not that I foresee any future road trips happening.
When I was getting my teaching degree, I took plenty of psychology courses around child development and learning. Thanks to this, I know that the toddler stage is when children start to become separate individuals from their parents. When Tony was two and three, I saw him start to assert himself, communicating his likes and dislikes, and beginning to act as independently as he could. He wanted to dress himself, even if nothing matched. He wanted to eat from the red bowl, not the blue one. It wasn't him being difficult as much as it was him developing into the person that he is today. And he is still learning. Now at four, Tony is beginning to develop self-control and self-regulation. While he's learning the ins and outs of how to calm or regulate himself when he's upset, it makes sense for challenging behavior to present itself in situations when he cannot calm himself down. I was prepared for a few melt downs, and wild mood swings from him. What I wasn't prepared for was the same from our driver. As adults, we have had enough life experience to know our emotions and limits. But this was a new situation, and I don't think even Edward was aware that his limits were easier to reach than planned.
Like I said earlier, Edward's downfall for this road trip was his time limit—wanting to achieve a set number of miles in three days' time. Being a parent, I know that nothing ever goes according to plan. I thought this was a lesson Edward was learning himself, but reflecting on the time we've spent as a family together, things had been going rather smoothly for him. He really hadn't experienced a Tony melt down, minus the pancake fiasco while I was sleeping. So, he wouldn't have even had the chance to watch me guide Tony to the proper way to cope with emotions during these moments. I tried to explain that to Edward on day one of our trip. I pointed out that while he was disappointed that things weren't going according to plan that as parents, we set the mood for the entire car. Tony's crankiness was just him feeding off of Edward's sour puss. I knew when he snapped at me for trying to help that he wasn't willing to hear me—he was already too far gone. And being that it was only day one, I knew we were in for whopper of a ride.
While I planned for Tony melt downs and boredom, I didn't plan for what would happen if Tony got car sick. I had everything else known to man in my Mommy bag, and yet I didn't think to pack the damn Dramamine. At least that mistake was fixable, but it was the start of many other mishaps. If Tony hadn't gotten sick, we wouldn't have needed to air out the car. If we hadn't of left the windows open, the seats wouldn't have gotten soaked and delayed our trip. If our trip didn't get delayed, we probably never would have encountered that stupid garden hoe that popped our two tires. Am I saying this road trip from hell was my fault? No. But I contributed to its breakdown.
Edward's mood didn't help things. I will admit that after that first day, I pulled back. I didn't have it in me to be a supportive girlfriend to him with the way he was acting. I know he was frustrated and out of his element, but regardless of how upset one gets, you really need to think before you speak. He was behaving like a toddler, acting out when he was frustrated. That wasn't the learned behavior I wanted Tony to pick up on. Everything is a learning experience, and this trip was no different. Tony needed a parent to teach him, and since Edward was focused on driving, that role fell to me. I tried to reassure Tony and talk him down when he had minor emotional outbursts. While in that mindset, I caught myself doing the same to Edward at times, but while it seemed to help Tony, it only made things worse between us.
I tried to be strong and not let his attitude get to me, but when he yelled at me for letting him sleep in on day four, I had hit my breaking point. I could only take so much before I crumbled. I was tired of being Edward's emotional punching bag. My body was on fire from the lack of movement from being cooped up in a car for days on end. I was frustrated that everyone else got to be frustrated but me. I can't always be the Zen one. I had hoped that sleeping in would give Edward the rest he needed to start the day off in a new, positive light. I apparently thought wrong. But him yelling at me for trying to do a nice thing really pissed me off. Unfortunately, when I get angry, I often break out in tears, which is what happened. Everyone needs a good crying jag to reset themselves. I got out all the excess emotions and feelings I hadn't been able to cope with as I had been trying to hold everyone else together.
I figured that would have been the last outburst, that Edward would have learned his lesson. But Edward attacked again—and this time, he went after someone who didn't have the tools to understand it. Yes, Tony was annoying even me in the car. I truthfully will never understand the "Are we there yet?" mentality, especially because if we are still driving, isn't it obvious we aren't there? I tried to explain it as best I could because I saw the questions were infuriating Edward. It was clear that Tony was experiencing cabin fever as he took to different methods to try and distract himself from asking the same question over and over again. I will agree that the noise level got a little loud, but screaming at Tony, telling him to shut up was not appropriate. Edward forgets that their relationship is still new; still tentative. Tony started sobbing, and I could see the confusion on his face. When we got to the rest stop, I quickly scooped Tony out of that oppressive atmosphere, and took him to one of the family bathrooms stalls to try and calm him down. Remembering that conversation though, broke my heart.
"Daddy hates me," Tony wailed.
"Daddy doesn't hate you. He is just tired and frustrated. This has been a really hard trip. And we have to remember that Daddy isn't used to this kind of stuff yet," I said, making excuses for the idiot even though he doesn't deserve my help.
"Is Daddy going to leave now? I don't want him to leave. I just got him back," he asked, working himself up again.
I wanted to tell him that he had nothing to worry about, but truthfully, I had no idea what this trip would do to all of our relationships. Four days ago, Edward and I were joking about marriage, and yet here we are at a rest stop and our futures were so unknown. Not wanting to lie to Tony, I stuck to safer topics.
"Daddy just needs a break. That's why he stayed in the car to calm down, and we're in here. Everyone needs a break sometimes. Remember when you kick the ball around in the park with your friends, and you have to stop and take a breath, or get some water? That's your body's way of telling you need a break. But with the emotions and feelings inside us, we don't always get clues until it's too late. I didn't realize how tired and upset I was the other day until I started crying, remember? Well, Daddy was wrong to yell at you, but he reached his breaking point. As he learns more about being a Daddy, he'll learn to calm down before he reaches that point again," I explained, wiping the stray tears from Tony's cheeks.
"I don't like Mean Edward. I thought he was gone. But I guess he's not," Tony sniffled.
"I know you and Edward had a rough start, but think about all the good things that have come from you guys being close now. The adventure days, the sleepovers—he's been doing a lot better."
"I like that Edward. Not this one," he said, putting extra emphasis on the word that. I noticed we were back to calling Daddy, Edward. Was this a conscious thing? Or were his emotions just confusing the situation?
"Everyone has good days and bad days sweetheart. You have mean days too, but I don't worry because I know my sweet boy is in there and will return to me when he is ready. Daddy is the same. I'm sure once we get home and we all rest up, things will go back to normal." I really didn't want to, but I added, "Since we know that Daddy isn't feeling that great right now, I think we need to be on our best behavior. We are almost home, and I really don't want anymore outbursts. Do you think you can be quiet? Maybe read a book? I think it was all the noise that caused Daddy to scream," I coached him.
"I don't want him to leave me. I will be the quietest," Tony promised.
"Let's just get home," I told him, his promise making me sad. A four-year-old shouldn't have to be the one to change here, and yet here he was showing more maturity than his father.
Tony was much more subdued the rest of the trip. I was hesitant when Edward offered to take him swimming, but the hope on Tony's face sealed the deal for me. Once they left, I couldn't help but cry—between Tony's worries, my aching body, and Edward's behavior—I was at my wits end. I eventually cried myself to sleep, only waking again when dinner arrived. Everyone was pretty quiet that night. I wasn't sure if Tony thought my warning at the rest stop meant for outside the car too, but I couldn't explain myself again in front of Edward. I figured less noise wouldn't hurt anything. I knew Edward and I were going to have to talk things over, but I didn't want to start something that could potentially turn ugly in front of Tony. He didn't need any more on this trip that would upset him.
Today in the car, Tony barely said a word. I caught him watching Edward through the rearview mirror a lot though, almost as if he was afraid he'd blink and Edward would be gone. I'm actually surprised he let Edward leave earlier without a fuss. I almost expected him to fling onto him in fear of his Dad not coming back. But I think his grandparents were the perfect distraction to let Edward slip away. But how long before Tony realizes the absence? Would Edward come over for dinner tomorrow? If he doesn't, will he call? My heart clenched with all the unknowns.
Then, there was us. Where did we stand? As much as I was frustrated and didn't appreciate the way Edward spoke to both Tony and I, can I honestly say I was surprised? Edward is quick to say he wants this—us—a family. However, these last few weeks have been sort of a honeymoon stage where everything was fine with little drama. Parenting is hard. I've only done this for four years, and I'm still learning. New situations are always going to pop up, and it comes down to how are you going to approach this new setback. This trip was the perfect example for Edward to see what he was really getting himself into. Could he hack it? I think with time and practice he could, but again, he was hard to read when he left. Was he already throwing in the white flag?
Edward said he needed a year to learn and decide if more children were for him. While this trip was hell, I think it was necessary for Edward to see all sides of the coin. There are good days, there are bad days, and there are days you just want to drink yourself into a stupor. I have been a parent 24-7; Edward has it in spurts thanks to us not living together. This weekend was more a of a crash course for what to expect. And Edward obviously wasn't ready for it. The question is, can he be? Or more importantly, does he want to be?
I was worried that due to this trip, the answer was going to swing heavily in the direction of no. But until he and I sit down and hash things out, I could only speculate what was going on in his mind. I was glad we had a therapy appointment in two days. It was definitely going to be needed. My question was—would we see him before then?
A knock brought me back to the present. "Bella? Are you ready to come out? It's been over an hour. Alice and Sophia are on their way over. I wanted to give you enough time to dress and prepare before they get here."
"I'm ready, thanks Esme. Sorry, I got lost in my own head."
Esme made her way over to me, towel at the ready to wrap around me. "Nonsense—between those two boys, you haven't had a moment to yourself these last few days. You're entitled to some me time in your head."
Getting out of the tub was far more difficult than getting in, but between the two of us, I safely made it back to my bedroom.
"Tony still sleeping?" I asked, as I picked out an outfit for lounging. Even though we were expecting company, I was still too tired to care about how I presented myself. Truthfully, I just wanted to put my pajamas on and go to bed, but that would be rude.
"No, Sophia called looking to see if he was back, so I woke him so they could talk."
"I'm sure he'll sleep good tonight," I said. Before Esme reached the door, I added, "Do you need help preparing lunch for everyone?"
"Everything is already done. I just got a bunch of cold cuts for sandwiches, nothing too fancy. I figured everyone would be more focused on talking than eating. You just get yourself ready, and we'll see you when you're all set," she said, before exiting the room.
Alone once again, I dressed for our company. I toyed with asking Alice her opinion on things, but decided I really should talk with Edward first. For now, I would just leave it in his court. He'll come to me when he was ready.
The visit with his cousin was just what the doctor ordered. Tony was acting much more like himself, and I was hoping that things were on the up and up. But then he asked the dreaded question.
"Is Edward coming back tonight?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Carlisle glance my way before answering for me. "Your Dad needed to get ready for work tomorrow. He had laundry and lots of boring chores to do, so I don't think we'll be seeing him tonight. But you've got all of us."
And just like that, I saw Tony withdraw again. I slowly made my way over to Carlisle, wondering if he knew more than I did. When I had his attention, I whispered, "Do you think he would talk to Tony on the phone? I don't want to offer it if you don't think he'll answer. Things are a little too unsettled right now," I trailed off. But it looks like Carlisle understood my worry.
"I don't think a phone call would hurt anything, but why don't you text him first? He could be sleeping, showering, etc—you don't want to call at a bad time," Carlisle offered.
I figured a text wouldn't hurt anything. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I sent him a quick message.
Now that Tony has caught everyone up on the trip, he's looking for you. I told him you weren't coming for dinner tonight, but I think a phone call might be necessary. Do you have time? –Bella
I was starting to get worried when I didn't get a response back. But finally, after two hours, my phone vibrated.
Fell asleep. Will call at bed time—Edward
Short and to the point, but at least he responded. I decided not to tell Tony about the call, just in case Edward changed his mind. But he kept his word, and spoke to Tony briefly before bed. Tony went to bed with a smile on his face. If only all things could easily be fixed.
Edward did not make it to dinner the next night. He blamed it on a chaotic first day back at work. I tried not to read between the lines. I kept a smile on my face, and acted as if everything was normal even though on the inside I was starting to worry. Thankfully, Edward did swing by to do Tony's nighttime ritual with him. They talked about their days, and Edward read him a story. I let them be, not wanting to distract them from each other's attention. Edward looked beat when he came out of Tony's room later that night. Usually, this was the time we devoted to couple things, but I didn't want to keep him when he looked so ragged.
"Rough day?" I asked him, though I already knew the answer.
"We were short-handed. I felt like I was in the weeds all day, and no matter how hard I worked, I could never catch up on the number of patients I had to see, or my charting. It was brutal," he sighed, sitting down on the living room couch. He looked like he could pass out if left alone.
"You look like you need sleep, Edward. Go, take care of yourself."
"Do you," he started, then stopped himself. After clearing his throat, he continued, "Do you want me to go?"
Sitting next to him on the couch, I put my hand on his cheek in what I hoped was a reassuring measure. "That's not an easy question to answer. There are some things we need to talk about—but I think you're too tired for that conversation tonight. While I hate prolonging this uncertainty between us, I want you to take care of you. We can't have our discussion if you're not all there."
"We can talk now," he offered, though it wasn't as convincing with the yawn that snuck out. He chuckled at himself, "Or not. I just, I don't like this feeling either Bella. I feel like your miles away even though you're right next to me. I feel like if I leave right now, everything is just going to fall apart."
"Nothing is falling apart, not tonight anyways. And truthfully, with how tired you look right now, I really don't think you should be driving. Why don't you sleep here?"
"With you?" he asked, that damn smirk back on his face.
"I was thinking here on the couch Edward. No need to confuse matters when things are confusing enough."
"Will you stay with me for a while?" he asked me. "I just want to spend some time with you."
"Lay down. I'll stay with you for a bit," I told him. I really wasn't doing him any favors. I wanted to be in his arms, even if for a few moments. I needed to feel like everything was going to be okay—just in case it wasn't. Just in case. God, are we back to that?
Edward molded me into his side, and in no time his breathing evened out. I knew his body didn't have any gas left between the trip and the crazy first day he had. I was now pleased he decided to stay here. I settled in and just enjoyed the peace between us.
Movement under me startled me out of my own slumber. When did I fall asleep?
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, but I have to be in for my shift in an hour. Come on, I'll help you off to bed, and then I'll head out," I heard Edward's gravelly voice underneath me.
I tried to tell him okay, but I still wasn't fully functioning quite yet. He chuckled at my unintelligible response, then laughed louder at my startled cry when he lifted me into his arms in a princess carry.
"Shush! You're going to wake up the entire house," he got out between his chuckles.
"What are you doing?" I asked
"Carrying the lady to her bed. If you barely can get words strung together, I doubt you could walk the distance to your room," he explained as we made our way down the hallway.
"I can walk fine," I tried to say, but we had already arrived, and the point was moot.
"Oh well, you can prove that point next time. Into bed you go," he said, placing me easily on the mattress.
"Are you coming back for dinner?" I asked, wanting some clarity on where things stand.
"I plan on it—though we saw how well that worked last night." Asking my next question for me, he probed, "Do you want to try talking later? Or would you rather we have our discussion tomorrow with Dr. Siohban?"
"Maybe tomorrow would be better? With fewer witnesses?" I replied, though my answers were more like questions as I wasn't sure what he was thinking.
Running his fingers through my hair in a soothing gesture, Edward answered, "Theres no right or wrong response Bella. That works for me. I'll see you later then."
"Love you," I said, already being lulled back to sleep.
"I love you, Bella. Always," I heard before succumbing back to sleep.
I was nervous when I met Edward at the therapist's office the next day. While he hadn't completely disappeared, there still seemed to be this wall dividing us. I wasn't sure where things stood, and while I was dying to understand him and his feelings, I was also worried to learn the truth. I was glad we waited to have this difficult conversation with the professional.
"Bella. Edward. Welcome back." Dr. Siohban said, opening his door to let us into our session. "How was your time in Forks? Did you get everything handled during the long weekend?"
"Packing their things, and preparing the house for sale was the easy part of the weekend," Edward answered.
"That's good. But what was the hard part?" the Doctor asked in return, curious with how Edward phrased his response.
"We ran into Jacob in Forks," I offered, figuring we should start there before getting into the worst of it.
"I was under the impression he was incarcerated. Did I miss something?" Doctor Siohban inquired.
"You and us both," Edward added.
I shared what Sam had told us, "He served most of his sentence, but since he helped get the main culprit, he got out early for good behavior."
"And you were not aware of this?" Dr. Siohban asked.
"Being in Chicago, it wasn't a high priority. My lawyer didn't realize we were coming back to Washington to pack up. If he had, he would have warned us."
Now with a better understanding of how we ended up in that situation, Dr. Siohban asked, "How did that encounter go?"
"He told me he was sorry, and that he wanted things to get back to normal. I told him I couldn't just forget it since he really hurt me," I explained.
"He also didn't take the news of your moving very well," Edward supplemented.
"I imagine he wouldn't," the Doctor said, jotting a few thoughts down on his pad.
"He accused me of rushing things. He thinks I'm putting all my eggs in one basket, and I'm not being smart," I explained.
"And how did that make you feel, Bella?"
"It hurt. I hate that he sees me that way. But when I look at him, he isn't the same person anymore. He'll never be my best friend, regardless of whatever we are able to salvage from this."
"Did his words hurt Bella? Make you doubt your decisions?" Dr. Siohban probed.
"They hurt because I don't like being attacked by someone I cared about. I think I was worried everyone agreed with Jacob, but Billy quickly pointed out he thought this was a good move for Tony. That made me feel better."
"How did the reunion go for you, Edward?" Dr. Siohban asked.
"I struggled not to jump in and protect Bella. But she is capable of fighting her own battles. I may have interjected here and there, but I mainly just tried to show my support by just being there at her side."
"That is a huge step, Edward. I know that is something you've been working on. I'm sure Bella also appreciated that," the Doctor pointed out.
"Immensely," I added, wanting to emphasize my gratefulness.
"What was Tony's reaction to all of this?" he asked us.
"Tony ran to him and hugged him as if nothing had changed. My heart stopped watching my son hug the man I had a restraining order against. We quickly removed Tony from the situation so we could hash things out without little ears around. But the conversation upset Jacob, and he never returned which hurt Tony. I promised he could keep in touch with him through video calls, but I know it's not the same," I revealed.
"Tony has experienced a lot of change in a short period of time. But he is very resilient. He will bounce back. You have to remember all that he is gaining with this move—his family tripled. You've mentioned he'll have more male role models here. Just because you relocated doesn't mean he loses his friends and loved ones from Forks. You all will just have to work harder to keep those relationships."
"We plan on it," I said.
"Now, I'm picking up on some tension here. Is this still to do with Jacob, or am I missing crucial information?" Dr. Siohban questioned. Neither of us responded, which only helped prove his point. "Okay, well, something is happening here, and I cannot help if I don't have all the facts."
"The trip back was an eye-opening experience," Edward offered.
"Eye opening how?"
"It made me doubt if I could do this," he added.
"Do what?" Dr. Siohban asked, at the same time I did.
Edward looked at me, before responding to Dr. Siohban. "Parenting."
"What happened? Please, from the beginning."
"I thought we could make this trip in three days, but I was mistaken. Between the traffic, Tony getting sick, two flat tires, and me losing my sanity sometime throughout the journey, I'm surprised we all made it back in one piece," Edward bellyached.
"That sounds like a very stress-filled few days," Dr. Siobhan replied.
"And I didn't handle it well. I snapped at the ones I supposedly care the most for. I almost didn't recognize myself. Then I started thinking, is this what parenting is like all the time? I know I'm new at this, but maybe I truly haven't experienced what it all is yet. Then I started freaking out that maybe I'm not cut out for this. Here I was, driving a truck full of belongings for all of us to move into a house together, and I started second guessing things," Edward rambled, pulling his hair in frustration.
"Before you make declarations like that, you need to understand that you are not alone in your feelings about parenting. All parents have their doubts; add in fatigued parents and it's a whole new ball game."
"But do they scream at their kids? Make them cry? Wish the world would open up and swallow them away so I can enjoy a few moments in peace?" Edward criticized.
"Fatigued parents show more frustration and irritability towards their kids. The physical exhaustion of a road trip, coupled with the mental exhaustion of always having to be on in your role is very draining. The very act of taking care of a child drains people emotionally, cognitively, and psychologically. I'm sure Bella can reiterate my point."
"I am always a parent, Edward. It's something you cannot just switch on and off. Even when you and I are spending time together alone, I'm wondering, 'Did he brush his teeth before bed?', 'Do we have groceries for school lunches tomorrow?', 'Which day did he need that red shirt for the Fun Center?'. Parenting is certainly exhausting. I too experience fatigue, even on this trip. But I also know how to handle it, or in this case, hide it better."
"Like you've said Edward, you are new to all of this. And there are going to be situations and experiences that you won't know if you can handle until you experience them. I heard you say Tony was sick. Was that also a first for you?" Dr. Siohban asked.
"Yes. He was just so whiny and miserable. I felt bad for him, but I also was annoyed that it set us back. And let's not forget the throw up. Thinking about it and the smell makes me have to throw up. How do parents handle the gross stuff?" Edward wondered aloud.
"For me, it's more the mindset of there isn't anyone else to handle it. Do I want to wipe down seats filled with vomit? No. But the sooner I rid the car of the mess, the sooner we could start on cleaning it, and getting back on track," I explained. Seeing that Edward wasn't feeling reassured, I added, "The first time Tony threw up, he was about 11 months old. Of course, he threw up all over me. So here I am, holding a crying baby, covered in spit up pears. I was gagging at the feel of it oozing down my clothes. All I wanted to do was shower, and get cleaned up. But I had to figure out what was wrong with Tony first and take care of him. Once he was settled, I scrubbed every inch of me clean. It's an uncomfortable feeling that will get easier with experience."
"I think that's what hit me most this weekend. There is still so much that I haven't experienced, or even know yet. I thought I was pretty good at this. Now I'm not so sure," Edward agonized.
"When you started to have these feelings Edward, how did you respond?" Dr. Siohban inquired.
"I was worried I was going to say something before I had time to think things over, so I kept quiet until I could get away. I didn't want to insert my foot into my mouth and ruin things," Edward told him.
"How did that make you feel Bella?" Dr. Siohban asked.
"The quiet scared me a little. I had no idea what Edward was thinking. I tried to get a read of him, but the uncertainty of the situation worried me. Then he left, and I wasn't sure if he was going to disappear."
"I needed a break, Bella. After that trip, I needed to gather my wits about me," Edward rationalized.
"Don't you think I wanted a break too? But like we said, parenting doesn't stop. Thankfully, your parents were there so I could get a reprieve as well. But Edward, you can't just run off when things get tough," I tried to explain.
"I was trying to distance myself. I wasn't sure how you felt with my behavior on this trip. I thought you hated me. I needed time to go over everything. I'm sorry if you felt shut out, but I didn't know how else to handle the situation," Edward retorted.
"Bella, have you ever heard the term burn-out?" Dr. Siohban asked me, reclaiming control of the session.
"Yes, I've heard of it. Stress that leads a person to feel less satisfied with their work or their ability. It's common in healthcare professions, and social workers, teachers, etc."
"Parental burnout is also a thing. Imagine feeling overwhelmingly exhausted due to one's parental role, and you start to think you weren't good at it, or couldn't do it anymore. Wouldn't you understand why escape ideation would be appealing?" the Doctor pressed.
"I understand the ideation—not the act. Tony thought Edward wasn't coming back. And he internalized that. Daddy hates me, Daddy doesn't love me anymore. I get that Edward needed time to process things, but I got saddled with all the consequences of that action," I threw out there.
"He thought that?" Edward asked, horrified.
"At the rest stop, after you yelled at him. He was worried 'Mean Edward' was back. The first night when we were giving you time, he wanted to call you, and I didn't know if that was ok. I had to ask Carlisle his opinion, because I didn't want to make things worse. Then you didn't come to dinner the next day—I know—that was work. But the timing wasn't great, and only added to his fears. He's taken to calling you Edward again. Not daddy."
"I noticed that when I spoke to him on the phone the other night," Edward said quietly. I think he was truly seeing that his actions had consequences.
"Just like you are confused Edward, Tony is too. You're learning how to be a parent, just like Tony is learning what it means to have a father," Dr. Siohban explained. "What you need to remember is all that you were feeling and experiencing during that trip Edward, you were not alone. Feeling overwhelmed happens to all parents at one time or another, and everyone is doing the best they can right now. The trick is to learn how to manage stressors and remain the best parent you can be should situations like this arise again."
Wanting to make him feel better, I added, "Parenting is hard on a normal day. Then you throw in a routine change, and you have even more responsibility on your shoulders. You were at a disadvantage as I couldn't really help you out with the driving. So, you were just getting more and more stressed and tried, and not taking care of you. And if you don't take care of you, you cannot take care of others."
"But when I tried to take care of me and take a night off, I made everything worse," Edward stated.
"You could have very easily taken the night off with no worries, Edward if only you explained things better. If you told Tony before you left that you'd call him at bed time, then the doubt wouldn't have festered," I explained.
Speaking for me, Dr. Siohban added, "And if you had explained to Bella that you needed some time to yourself, instead of blaming it on getting prepared for work, I'm sure she would have been less worried about the state of your family." When I didn't dispute Dr. Siohban's argument, Edward looked even more gutted. "These points aren't meant to make you feel worse Edward. You started these sessions in order to open communication between the two of you. And in some areas, you guys have really dissected topics, and gotten to the depth of your issues. However, old behaviors are hard to break and there will be times when you clam up and stop talking, like with this trip. I'm here to point out why it doesn't do you any favors."
The session was coming to an end, and I still needed answers to a few questions. "Edward, I know you said this experience made you doubt parenting. I need you to explain that more. Are you changing your mind? Because if you are, I need to start regrouping."
Edward adamantly said no and scooted closer to me on the couch. "There is no going back for me Bella. You guys are it, and I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove that to you. The doubt comes from my own perfectionist tendencies. Being bad at something makes me want to stop immediately, and throughout my life, I've grown skilled at knowing when to throw in the towel on things that I'm awful at. Learning violin in high school was going nowhere, so I stuck to piano. I suck at parallel parking—so much that I avoid it to this day. I would rather circle the block seven times then try to parallel park. So here I was thinking I had this Dad thing down, only to learn that I've barely experienced anything. And when I saw myself getting frustrated and angry and even not liking my own son, I panicked. My usual response would have been to walk away, but that wasn't possible here. I love Tony too much to give up. But I let my disappointment shine through and for that I am sorry."
"You can learn a lot about yourself from being bad at something Edward. The trick is to find any tiny morsel of pleasure nestled within whatever activity that you are doing badly. If you focus on that pleasure, then you'll have an easier time continuing with it when you feel like quitting.," Dr. Siohban offered.
"I think that is why I cannot quit here. I love Tony and though there were times I wanted to strangle him on this trip, I could never hurt him," then added, "Consciously, at least."
"Sounds like you've got parenting down Edward. I think that this trip was your first exposure at non-stop parenting. Between work and living in separate houses, you have only been getting it in small doses. With more practice, your tolerance level will expand, and you'll find yourself getting less aggravated, or at least will not react as strongly," Dr. Siohban added. "Now, we're just about done here. I think the tension has died down some, but I wanted to check in with each of you. Do we need to schedule another session to continue with this topic? Or are we good to wait until our normally scheduled appointment next week?"
Edward looked to me to answer that question. "I think that now that we've started the conversation, Edward and I should be okay to continue it together outside of these sessions. I think we should be okay until next week. But we'll call if things escalate before then."
"How about you Edward? Would you perhaps be interested in a single session to talk more about your fears?" the doctor proposed.
"That may be something I would like to explore in the future, but for now, I think Bella and I just need to talk things out. She is the expert when it comes to parenting—I can really learn a lot from her."
"I'm not an expert Edward. I just have had more practice. I make mistakes every day. I just don't let them derail me," I explained, not liking this good and bad model he was following.
"Exactly Edward. Don't put Bella's parenting on a pedestal. That will only make your own foray into it much harder to succeed at as everyone does things differently. Alright, thank you for being so open with me today. I hope your conversations go well beyond these four walls. Call me if you need anything," Dr. Siohban said, rising from his seat, causing us to follow suit.
"Thank you Dr. Siohban. We'll see you next week," Edward said, leading me towards the door.
We were relatively quiet as we made our way to the vehicle. I wasn't sure where to go from here. Thankfully, Edward took control, and offered for me to come spend some time with him at his condo. I figured we had another hour or two before Tony was expecting us for dinner, so I agreed.
Once inside, we made our way out to his patio, which seems to be our spot for intense conversations. He grabbed a blanket on the way so that we could snuggle together, and hopefully continue to ebb out the distance between us.
"I'm sorry for abandoning you Bella when we got back. I really thought it was safer for me to calm down some before we talked. I was worried if I stayed, I would say something that would set us back further. I can see that if I explained myself better, we wouldn't have had such a shitty couple of days in limbo."
"I appreciate you explaining things better now though. Did the time away actually help?" I asked, wondering what he did.
"I truthfully just crashed as soon as I got home. I'm sorry that I didn't even think that you needed just as much of a break. I can be a real selfish ass sometimes," Edward muttered.
"Not selfish—just learning. And I had your parents. I got my time off to relax and regroup. I'm sorry if my text disturbed you."
"You could never disturb me. I had planned to call at bed time anyways, but again, I didn't share that with anyone else. I didn't mean to leave things so uncertain."
"It really wasn't so bad when he was distracted by your parents and your sister. But when the appeal of those distractions wore off, your absence was noticeable," I pointed out.
"What do you think I should do about the Daddy thing? Should I address it, or just leave it be? I don't want to make things more awkward with him," Edward asked.
Truthfully, I didn't have the answer. That is a question we probably should have asked Dr. Siohban. Not wanting to seem rude for not answering, I simply replied, "I don't know. It might be better to leave it be for now. Tony worked so hard to make you his father before he even knew the truth—he probably isn't going to last long before switching back to calling you Daddy."
"I hate that I made him doubt this. I hate that I made you doubt this. I'm going to try and be better Bella."
"Edward, I was worried you were going to disappear, and pull away. This was why I didn't want to tell Tony you were his father so soon—in case something like this happened which caused you to walk away. But seeing how much Tony has thrived with this knowledge, I could never regret how quickly things have progressed here. I just worry that maybe this was too fast for you. We just committed to being a family and moving in together. Is that something that you are ready for now? Or do you need more time after this week?" I asked, my worry for our future shining through.
"I still want it, Bella. I have no doubt that it isn't going to be easy, and there are going to be days that I want to run away and hide. But I've worked too hard to make our family a reality that I can't back out now," he declared. I didn't like his phrasing 'can't back out now.'
"Edward, I hope that this isn't a sense of duty you feel to us. I'm not saying you can't be his father, or see us if you aren't ready. I just don't want you changing your mind down the line once we all settle in together if this isn't for you," I offered him an out.
"I'm not here because I feel like I have to be Bella. I want to be. I missed out on so much time, and I know I can't get it back, but I can make new memories with you all by being under the same roof. And I can only get better at parenting by actually doing it. If I was there every day, I could do that. I truly want this Bella. And I will work on how to handle the stressors better. And talk to you when I'm frazzled. And together, as a team, we will lead Tony through a great childhood. And any that may follow after him."
"You're still considering more?" I asked, his comment surprising me.
"I told you I would take a year, and I'm thinking about it Bella. Just like one fucked up trip isn't going to scare me away from you guys, it can't make my decision for me either. I will admit, it certainly added a few more cons to my list, but I haven't ruled anything out. I want to give you the world Bella—why wouldn't I really consider this for you?" Edward asked, pulling me in for a sweet kiss.
But I couldn't get lost in his romance right now. "But it shouldn't be for me Edward. It's about us—what works best for us. I don't want you doing this just because you think it's going to make me happy."
"I just meant that I understand that this is important to you Bella, and I am giving it the level of scrutiny it deserves. If I was just doing this to make you happy, I would say yes today, and be done with it. But I'm not doing that. So, bear with me. And just continue to love me while I try to navigate this parenting world with you."
"As long as we're together, I'm sure we can handle things. I love you, Edward. Thank you for coming back to us. I'm sorry I doubted you."
"Let's be done with the apologies and move on. We have a lot to plan for. We close on the house the end of this month. Soon we will be together always. What do we need to do to make that happen?"
And just like that, we shifted gears and planned the logistics of what's to come, the uncertainty now out the window. We were back on track, and I was excited for our future.