The Heart Won't Lie
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: This is Totally AU; Beckett has left for D.C and the Feds. This describes the activity of each, during the time away from each other, NO PROPOSAL, before she left, but plenty of ANGST. Can they find their way back to each other, or do they even want to? It blends some Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. What were each up to during this time, Taking Literary License to fill in the blanks.
A/N: CASKETT ENDING IS NOT GUARANTEED. : CASKETT ENDING IS NOT GUARANTEED.
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
Thanks to reader pmt0622 for the prompt:
A CASKETT ENDING IS NOT GUARANTEED.
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Chapter 15
Castle's Home, Same Morning
Buena Vista Ave, Santa Barbara, CA 93108
"Rick, what I'm about to tell you, I've never told another living soul, not even my therapist. I trust you, and well, I hope when I finish, you'll still feel the same. This is going to be hard, so please, let me finish speaking before you say anything good or bad, OK?" she leaned into his back as he placed his chin gently on the top of her head,
"OK, I won't say a word, but I can tell you now that it WON'T change how I feel about you. I'm a lot of things, some that I may not be proud of, but I'm not shallow. I never enter into any relationship just for physical gratification, so tell me what you want to say," he kissed the top of her head, and then gently rested his chin on her as he pulled her tight against him, wrapping his arms around her for comfort.
She took a deep breath, place one hand on each of his arms, and began to speak,
"Well, you already know that I was a thief, that's how I got my start as an insurance investigator, but it started much earlier in my life. I lost my Dad, he didn't die, he just left one day and didn't come home to Mom, my sister, or me. It was just as well, I think I was four or five, but all I can remember is the yelling, and him hitting her.
"Well, Mom didn't feel the same, she loved him and worked two jobs trying to keep food and a roof over my sister, Anna, and my head. It killed her, she loved that miserable son of a bitch, and it killed her. She had a heart attack at age 29 and died.
"After that, we were sent to live with my grandparents, the only relative we had that would take us. They located my father, thirty-five miles away with a new family, and successful career, he never told his wife about us. It was just as well, I hated him for all the hurt he had caused my sister, me, and mostly Mom, so I didn't want anything to do with him.
"Things were pretty good for the younger years, at least on the outside, but I was shy, and didn't talk much. The only person I really talked to was my Grandpa, he would tell me how he was in the war, and how he had come to the United States after the US Army had freed him from a POW camp in Poland. He once was wealthy, with art, jewels, and a beautiful home, and a successful business, he owned an art gallery in the old country.
"Once the war broke out, he barely got an opportunity to enlist in the Army before Hitler's men had stolen his art, and anything of value, leaving him with nothing. He cried when he told the story about watching them burn his home down, after killing his wife with a bayonet. He wanted to save her and his home but was knocked unconscious and left for dead by the troops.
"He enlisted in the Polish Army the next day but within a few weeks was in a POW camp, wondering if he would ever see freedom, or food again. His eyes misted every time he told me the story, his description of the painting was so vivid, I found it listed in one of the books at the local library. He confirmed it was the one they stole the night they killed my first Grandmama, I never forgot that.
"He was on the ship coming to America when he met my second Grandma, she was young and alone, and they hit it off. By the time they reached New York, they had decided to get married and raise their family north of the city. Grandpa and Grandma both worked and saved, and he managed to buy a small art gallery, in the city, taking the train every day to and from work.
"Grandma wasn't as pleasant as Granpa, and demanded that Anna and I do most of the work, so at age 14 I ran away. I was caught and sent back home, Grandpa seemed to understand, but Grandma made it even tougher on Anna and me both. I met a boy, well a man actually, and I ran away and got married to him at age 17. I was free of Grandma and her tough work, but life just started to get tougher.
"Yan was a local man, about 7 years older than me, and things started out well, we worked and rented an apartment until I got pregnant, I guess he hadn't signed up for kids, so he did the same thing as my dad did, went away and never came back one day.
"I waited tables and worked as a housekeeper up until two weeks before I delivered my baby, then got help from the state after she was born. It was humiliating, to say the least Rick, but the worst part of everything was the night I went to check on Alina, her name meant bright and beautiful in Polish, but I couldn't wake her up.
"I ran to the neighbor, who had a phone, and they called the rescue squad, but they pronounced her DOA at the hospital. I was investigated by social workers and women from the county, almost accusing me of killing her to be free to start my life over. I was only 19 and they brought up the runaway charges from my Grandmother's house until finally, the autopsy revealed she died of SIDS or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
"By this time, I had spent over two weeks in the detention section, another name for Jail, and when they cleared me of the charges, I could finally bury my daughter. The only problem was I had no money, and the county stopped aid to me, the day she died, all I could afford was to have her cremated. This locket contains part of her ashes," she pulled the locket up for Rick to see, who had fought the urge to speak but remained silent, just holding her tighter when she was about to break, even gently wiping a few tears from her face silently.
"So, I was 19, now a divorcee, with a deceased child, and no education. I wouldn't lower myself to turn tricks, but I did do nude model shoots for magazines, even that wasn't covering my bills. I passed a bad check and got locked up, my cellmate happened to be Doris Payne, you might have heard about her."
Rick couldn't hold back anymore, "Are you talking about the world-famous jewel thief from West Virginia who stole millions of dollars of jewelry and never got caught?" Rick asked,
"One and the same Rick, but she did get arrested, several times, they just couldn't convict her. I was her cellmate in New York, peopled didn't realize that she was actually a licensed nurse as well, a great accomplishment for an African-American woman at that time.
"When she was released, she bailed me out and taught me the art of becoming a jewel thief, on one condition. I had to get my GED, and college degree, no ifs ands or buts about it. Doris was quite a bit older than I, so I got to do the acrobatic portions of the heist, but she was always fair, the split was always 50-50, and after a few years, I was able to afford clothes, food, and nice hotels.
"We made it a point to retrieve, not steal, my Grandfather's Rembrandt from the museum in Berlin, I won't say where it is now, but we did get it back to the states without issue. Doris got busted about five ago when she drank too much before a gig, and I decided, I had enough in the bank and needed a career change.
"Three years ago, I approached National Mutual, American Casualty, and a few other insurance companies with my proposal. I would provide the security checks they needed for their clients, and for a 1% finder's fee, a minimum of 100K plus expenses I would retrieve the lost articles. My home is paid for, I have my retirement covered, and my police record has been expunged, so I think I've done pretty well.
"When the Fist was stolen from the NY Art Museum, I knew it had to be an inside job, and when I met you, I felt alive for the first time in a long time, even more after we kissed. When I told you I meant the kiss, that was the truth.
I'm not the saint or high-class lady you thought I was, but this is me, where I've been, and where I'm at now. I am a retriever of lost articles, working on a fee basis only, with a past that wouldn't fit your lifestyle. The last thing I want to do is embarrass you, I came from nothing, and have done some things I'm not proud of, but I never allowed men to use me for my body, no matter how tough times were.
"So, now you know the backstory, I can understand if you don't want to
She was silenced as Rick turned her head gently, and kissed her, with passion, love, and feeling for her she had been missing for a long time.
"Why don't you let me worry about how your past is going to impact me, I don't give a damn what you were, I care that you're here with me, and I only have one question for you," he said,
She looked frightened, but finally squeaked out, "I'll tell you anything Rick, just ask"
"Will you move enough of your clothes in so we can spend three or four-night here without interruption, I mean I like being locked in our private suite, getting to know you." She smiled, tears came to her eyes,
"I will, on one condition," she looked very coy, as Rick tried to anticipate what the condition would be,
"OK Princess, what's the condition?" he asked smiling into her eyes,
"That you do the same, I want to be able to go home sometime, BUT I want you with me, is that crazy?" She asked, blushing slightly,
"No, not at all, it's sweet and I accept. Serena, you know it doesn't matter to me what happened in your past, I just want to be your present and your future." It was her initiating the kiss this time, one that lasted far longer than normal.
XxX
Saint Thomas Island
United States Virgin Islands
Two Weeks Later
Kate awoke with the sounds of the ocean lapping the shore, and the breeze gently blowing the curtains from the window she had left open last evening upon arriving at her hotel. She had found a couples counselor that Rick had suggested they see once when they were getting together, just to set ground rules and clear the air of past events hurtful to one or the other. Of course, she had refused, she hated even talking to Doctor Burke, but now that she had gotten to know him, it was almost routine.
That was why when she realized that she stood little to no chance of ever getting Rick to even talk to her, much less rebuild what they once had, she sought Dr. Tony Parrilla, a therapist who specialized in couples and individual relationship counseling. He had more letters behind his name for degrees than would fit on one line of his business card.
He was the best, or at least Rick thought he was when he used him for the divorce from Gina. She had kept the card, and recalled Rick pleading with her, to start fresh, let Dr. Tony help them avoid what could come back to hurt one or both of them. He had been right; Castle was always right.
She had been afraid to go to another doctor, thinking that she had everything under control, and as usual, had been the cause, instigator, and catalyst for two people with broken hearts, her and Rick. It appeared that Rick was doing a much better job now than she was in moving on, although she suspected her affair with her boss in such a quick time frame only gave him more incentive to forget her completely.
She had been seeing Doctor Tony, as he asked to be called for the last three months, first once a week, but lately three sometimes four times weekly. To say she was having a hard time dealing with the loss of Rick would be an understatement. Two weeks ago, she had hit rock bottom, as she watched on TV Rick's new life, even if he wasn't there. She had seen enough of the paparazzi shots to know Serena hadn't stolen him from her, she had chased him away for good.
That was the reason she was here, in beautiful St. Thomas, as Doctor Tony had said, she needed to learn to let go and move on, for not only her health but also for that of any chance of a relationship in the future. He suggested she get away, alone, if possible, to a sight she enjoyed, somewhere they had not been as a couple, and for her to use the time to journal her thoughts about life without him.
FLASHBACK DR. TONY'S OFFICE
"Kate, I'm not going to lie to you, this will probably be the toughest part of moving on with your life than any of the next steps I give you. Remember that refusing to let go will not bring someone you care about back. Continuing to hold on only hurts your emotional and physical state, keeping you from fully enjoying life. Embrace living in the moment and understand that uncertainty can be beautiful if you look at it from the right perspective.
"The key to letting go of someone you love is facing what has happened, accepting that you can't change it, and then moving on. Once you're able to move on and appreciate the growth that came from the relationship, better opportunities will present themselves. You will have successfully learned how to let go of someone you love and can begin writing your new story.
"Don't look at me like that, Kate, I know what you're thinking, you'll never be over him, but you're wrong, Let me re-phrase that statement, you'll never have another opportunity to convince him you're worth another chance, he's already seen the original version of Katherine Beckett, and it didn't end well for either of you.
You have to be the NEW Kate, and if he's truly the one and done as you say, then you must be patient to let him see the new qualities in you that he desires. No one ever gets over someone they love completely, no matter how much they swear they are. The heart scars, although the source is gone, the scars, thus the memories remain.
"It's time to forgive yourself, without that, nothing else we do will matter. I want you to take a trip, someplace that will allow you to think, and journalize your actions, what you did wrong, and what you THINK would take to correct them, IF I could place Mr. Castle in a trance to receive them. Any ideas?"
"Well, I still have a gift certificate Rick gave me for Christmas for two tickets anywhere, first-class, it seems a shame to waste one airfare, but if I don't use it, soon, it will expire," Kate said,
"OK, it was a gift, what better way to get to a place where you can begin the transformation, that even if Rick doesn't see and want, you will open your heart for the possibility of joy. It's going to be work, a great deal of work, but you can do it IF you really want to." He said,
"I always wanted to go to the Virgin Islands, it always seems so peaceful in what I have researched," Kate said,
Doctor Tony laughed, "It's beautiful the only shortfall I had was there is a water shortage there, and it caused me to drink Rum instead, I didn't remember a day or two according to my wife" he laughed, along with Kate,
CURRENT TIME
She had used the gift certificate that Rick thought she and Josh had used the year before they got together, another lie she thought, but stop, it's time to begin the transformation into the better version of Katherine Beckett, one that Rick could at least bring himself to talk to.
She rolled out of the luxurious bed and stepped into the shower. Dr. T was right, there was a shortage of water, so the showers only ran so long before they turned off. She had to hurry, but she managed to get all the soap and shampoo rinsed off before it shut off. She dressed in a casual dress, white sandals and pulled her hair back into a sloppy bun.
Her plans for the day were to have breakfast, find a lounge chair in some sun, and some shade near the pool, and begin her journal. Dr. T warned that the beginning was going to be hard, but also told her nothing she wrote would be wrong, it was more important to start.
She had a light breakfast, well toast and 5 cups of coffee, was still more than she normally ate at home, and made her way to the pool, with pen and journal in hand. She re-read a paragraph from the previous session with Doctor Tony and began to realize it was more than words on a paper. It was truly something she needed to enact, starting right now. Tears filled her eyes as she read,
"Going your separate ways does not always have to be an experience filled with anger or judgment. When you recognize that the person is preventing you from growing or achieving your dreams, you can forgive them and also forgive yourself for any pain the separation may cause and wish them the best for the future.
"Sometimes you get caught up in who is at fault, rather than to determine WHY things didn't work out. It's important not only for your ex but also for yourself to reach the level where you can forgive. Remind yourself that to create space for a new, healthy relationship, you must learn how to let go of the old one. Practicing forgiveness is a chance to grow and live in the mystery of what's next."
Kate was aware that she had been eyed by several young men, but she didn't come here looking for anyone, she came here for herself. She knew it was cruel, but she took a large piece of cardboard from the trash bin and used her sharpie to write, "Sorry guys, HIV Positive, enjoy your time here, and allow me privacy" and placed it in prominent view, the whispering began, but she wasn't approached by anyone the entire time she was there.
She focused on one of the worksheets the doctor had provided to help her start the journal correctly. She swallowed hard when she read the heading, and ordered a triple vodka neat, from the pool bar waiter walking by.
She thought, well here goes: (Kate's thoughts in Bold Italics per Bullet Point)
SIGNS YOU HAVEN'T MOVED ON
Learning how to let go of someone you love someone you've built a deep connection with and whom you've shared your life with is likely one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. That's why so many people break up, but never truly discover how to move on. If these signs are familiar, you may be one of those people:
You're always wondering what could have been "That's me, all the time"
You think of the person constantly, or at times when you'd rather not "God how do I stop thinking about him, I love him so much"
You spend a lot of time reliving memories or looking them up on social media "I haven't been to the Richard Castle website in two days, I'm so screwed, my only memories are those with him"
You bring them up often when talking to friends "Well the boys know how much I mention him, I wish I had Lanes to talk to"
When you're feeling down, they're the first person you think to call "If he only knew how many times, I had my finger on his speed dial, but what would I say?"
You make changes to your life or appearance to get them back "I thought the sight of me with the dress he purchased for the first ball would get some reaction, God was I wrong"
You feel anxious or even angry when you see the person "Does throwing things every time I saw him with Abby count? Serena, that is even worse, he looks happy, like he used to with me"
You blame them or want to get revenge for perceived slights "If he had only understood, it was my life, my choice, we would still be together"
Letting go of someone you love isn't easy, but holding on only holds you back from the possibility of an extraordinary relationship. To focus your energy on living positively and proactively, you need to learn how to move on. Are you ready to let go of relationships that no longer serves you?
She finished her drink and returned to her room, she fought the tears until she was just outside her door, but seeing things in print, in black and white was so final, it was truly over.
TBC