The Heart Won't Lie Chapter 16, a castle fanfic

The Heart Won't Lie

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: This is Totally AU; Beckett has left for D.C and the Feds. This describes the activity of each, during the time away from each other, NO PROPOSAL, before she left, but plenty of ANGST. Can they find their way back to each other, or do they even want to? It blends some Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. What were each up to during this time, Taking Literary License to fill in the blanks.

A/N: CASKETT ENDING IS NOT GUARANTEED. : CASKETT ENDING IS NOT GUARANTEED.

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Thanks to reader pmt0622 for the prompt:

A CASKETT ENDING IS NOT GUARANTEED.

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Chapter 16

Saint Thomas Island

United States Virgin Islands

Later Same Day

Kate knew it was going to be emotional, just how emotional she hadn't any idea. Perhaps that was why Dr. Tony suggested her trip be alone and to a place they hadn't been together before. She could understand now, how it would be hard not to do anything but relive the good memories, rather than trying to put in the work to move forward.

The one statement that gave her any slice of hope was Doctor T's comment "You'll never have another opportunity to convince him you're worth another chance, he's already seen the original version of Katherine Beckett, and it didn't end well for either of you." He was right, if she had any prayer, any sliver of a chance, even to regain his friendship, he would have to see a new person in her.

Doctor Tony had provided her his CDs to listen to if she grew tired of reading, so she inserted one in the small player she always carried with her along with her favorite broken heart songs, she would cry herself to sleep to some nights.

His voice was similar to Rick's smooth, baritone, slightly higher in pitch, but he didn't have the experience that Rick had in throwing influx into his voice, to drive home a point. He was good, but God, there she goes again, talking, actually thinking about an ex. Listen to the damn tape, and pay attention.

"We've all had an ex that we can't seem to get out of our minds. A harmful friendship we hold on to even though it exhausts us. Or even a family member who is toxic. Why can't we learn how to let go of someone, even when we know they're not good for us?

She remembered the nights she had wished she had been anyone's daughter other than Jim Beckett, the drunk. She had tried to help, but she finally grew tired and told him she was through, then his change began to happen. Maybe Doctor Tony was on to something, after all, it had worked for her and her Dad.

"Holding on is a natural human instinct, BUT, and this is a huge BUT, it's also a critical way that we stop ourselves from reaching our goals. Because ultimately, not knowing how to move on harms you: It prevents you from achieving your true potential."

Again, she thought back of the frustration she had felt, so many times she had to bail her Dad out of jail or pick him up at the hospital after he hurt himself, if she had held on to that version of her Dad, she would have enabled him to continue with the bad behaviors.

"WHY IS LETTING GO SO HARD? Hell, when you find the totally true answer for every occurrence tell me, we can both retire rich."

"Why do we have so much trouble learning how to let go of someone we love? Every situation is different, but everyone is the same, sounds confusing right? We like to hold on to things, situations, and especially people because it fulfills our need for certainty.

"Certainty is one of the six human needs that drive every decision we make. Ask anyone you meet if they prefer a situation with certainty or uncertainty in the outcome, and if you receive any less than 99% of those preferring the first, I would question what tavern you conducted your survey in.

Kate listened and jotted down notes, occasions where this had applied to her life, with Rick and others including Maddie, and her Dad. She remembered the saying jumping from the frying pan to the fire, meaning you were making a bigger mistake by acting without thinking.

She and Maddie had gone almost 16 years without speaking, for what? Kate knew her friend, although she wasn't a slut, she did like sex, and when Brad Decker approached her, she couldn't help herself, even though he was Kate's boyfriend at the time.

"Letting go and moving on from a relationship often entails a large amount of uncertainty. Even if your relationship had reached its conclusion or one or both of you were very unhappy, there was still an amount of certainty there that was comforting."

She played this part over three times, she could almost hear her Mom's voice warning her about settling for less than she deserved. She had settled with Will, about to do it again with Tom, and Josh, God what the hell was she thinking, those men had been her source of certainty. A bad boyfriend was better than no boyfriend, what a fucked-up premise she lived by. She was more upset with herself now that she saw what she had done, than anyone else.

"Sometimes we use the past to justify our current decisions, and that's why we can't figure out how to let go. Remember when you were rejected by one or perhaps even several people you were interested in in high school or college? Those instances could make you hold on to a partner – even one who is not good for you – because you are afraid you won't find anyone else. Those memories justify everything for you. When you're unable to let go, those memories become a part of your "story" and work against you."

What had Rick said early on in their working relationship, that she had never been dumped by any man? It was true, not because she was so perfect, but because she always struck first, she broke up with them before they had the chance. She wasn't going through the Brad Decker humiliation and shame again.

Oh my God, she thought, at first, she had serious doubts that this would be anything more than a trip away from New York but she had just hit two solid discoveries explaining why she had acted the way she had in her earlier years. If they could reveal this to her, she held hope that she could discover why she had always had to hide her actions from those who truly cared about her.

The memory of Rick standing there as she screamed her defense of a lie, a trip to Washington DC, and an interview, the look of hurt on his face she didn't think she would ever forget. Perhaps the most hurtful thing she said was, "It's not about you Castle, It's my life, my decision" as he took his sport coat and walked out the door.

The only thing shared after that was the terse meeting when she told him she got the job, he told her to let him know when the trucks would be at the loft, and then left for the Hamptons. It wasn't the way it was supposed to go, he was supposed to be happy for her. This was her life, didn't he understand, then it hit her, it was she, that didn't understand. Rick had understood completely and he was no longer willing to allow her to stifle his happiness. She rewound the tape to hear Doctor Tony say,

Rick really had no choice, he had to let her go, for his own sanity, and for any potential happiness, he could find in life. It wasn't being punitive towards her, it was survival for him, God, why had it taken her so long to wake up, and now what could she do. She recorded the discovery, and underlined, Action Plan needed, knowing that if he had moved on, she had lost her opportunity, no doctor or amount of therapy would change the facts.

XxX

Castle's Home, Same Time Frame

Buena Vista Ave, Santa Barbara, CA 93108

In the two weeks since Serena had bared her soul, revealing the complete backstory to Rick, things had only gotten better between them. She had moved clothes and her personals into the adjoining suite to Rick's, she didn't want to pressure him but still wanted to be close as he worked through the hurt from the past several years.

He had reciprocated and also claimed her adjoining suite, the only time either was used so far was when they had to be somewhere, and knew if they shared a shower, they would be late or miss the event altogether. She had conducted her business remotely and had accompanied him to the studio on the occasions he went on sight.

Gina was flying in today to discuss the fate of the Nikki Heat Series, she thought it would be premature to end the series now, especially with all of the research that Rick still had not used. Rick didn't know, but she had called Serena to get her opinion, and it was going to be two against one when they met in a few hours.

Rick was searching for a new topic to write about, Serena turned him down flatly, saying her life wasn't an open book, and her success was one of the few women like she who had survived in real life. He respected her wishes, especially after hearing about the heartache she went through.

The additional risk was he might open pandora's box for any unsolved crimes someone wanted to try to associate with either Serena or her mentor Doris Payne, he couldn't afford to lose her now. For the first time in as long as he could remember he was happy, and he wasn't messing with it.

She was feeling the same, and on their first trip apart two weeks ago, actually flew home to be with him for the weekend before flying back to Seattle for two days. It was expensive but she wanted to show him, he mattered to her. He was surprised, it had been a very long time since he was treated as a woman's prince as she said. She couldn't stand to be away from him, and it didn't matter the cost, she had to see him.

"Rick, I was miserable, and I couldn't stand to spend a weekend away from you when I could be here, holding you, and spending time with you, please don't be upset. I should have called you" she said as he opened the door when she had rung his doorbell rather than entering the home with her key.

"I'm not upset, hell, I'll pay for you to fly home every night if it wasn't too much stress and strain on you. No one, I mean no one, has ever shown me that dedication, Princess, thank you." He said with tears in his eyes, as they made their way to their bedroom.

If he thought he was glad to see her when he opened the door, he was floored when she opened her jacket to reveal she was wearing just a sexy pair of baby doll pajamas under her coat. There was no denying what she wanted, and he supplied her every want and need.

She mumbled low in his ear, "Don't worry, I had the screen up and a bright light shining toward the driver as I changed in the limo, your face was priceless," as she kissed his ear and neck and it was on, a marathon of sessions of lovemaking, and speaking from the heart.

They eventually had to shower and eat, they had spent the entire day, making love, and both hadn't eaten anything. Rick ordered her favorite food, built a fire in the grand fireplace, and they sat in front of the roaring embers, eating, and just feeling close to each other.

It ended far too soon, but this time Rick flew back with her, in his private plane, and when she returned from her meetings, he was there to greet her. She was working on a case where the insurance company suspected one of the executives of embezzling funds, a bit of a stretch for her line of expertise, but they wanted her to get the first opportunity to prove their suspicions were true.

They were in the suite the first day she returned, she was telling him about the case, leaving all names out for privacy, when Rick just asked, "Has anyone looked at his secretary's financials? He would know he would be the first one suspected, if I were writing it, I would have him involved with someone who he could use as the clearinghouse for the monies he embezzled."

Serena looked into all of his female employee's financials and it wasn't his secretary, it was his intern from Yale who had a bank account in the Caymans worth over two million dollars. The transaction dates matched the dates of the forensic accountants' discovery of the misappropriated funds, and her signature on bank records was forged.

Within a few hours of interrogation, the CFO admitted he forged his intern's name to supply his mistress all of her wants and needs, without his wife's knowledge. A marriage was destroyed, a promising career ended, and all because once again, a man was willing to do what it took to enjoy the fruits of a woman's loins.

"This was really sad Rick; I mean they had been married for almost thirty years. If he wanted to have an affair while married to her, I would have thought he would have hired a high-priced escort, not destroy his life over a woman who already has her next target lined up." Serena said sadly as she held him,

"Hey, it is sad, but look we agreed, IF there ever comes a time when either of us has an urge to stray, we talk to each other first, that's been our deal, right? I am around women all day, movie stars, ladies that young men have their pictures pinned on their bedroom walls, and all I can think about is when can I get home to you. Corny, I know but"

"It's not corny Rick, I think it's about the most romantic thing a man has ever said to me. Every woman needs to feel wanted, and not taken for granted, so thank you, my prince. Please tell me if you feel I'm not reciprocating the attention to you, God knows I've seen women act foolish and lose you." She said, locked on his eyes, both knowing the woman she was referring to.

Serena had kept track, Rick had mentioned her three times since they had been together, twice was about the case and once when Roy called him about someone attempting to imitate the jewel theft case in New York. Rick had told him to work with Lieutenant Garvey in Robbery, and leave Beckett out of it.

Three days later the case was solved, the would-be robbers made the mistake of advertising for a driver in the paper, an undercover cop applied and was hired. When the job was done, he drove them straight to the 45th precinct, to be greeted, booked, and jailed. The case brought a lot of smiles, and even made a local radio show's "Knucklehead in the News" segment.

XxX

Saint Thomas Island

United States Virgin Islands

Friday, Last Day of Vacation.

Kate had listened to Dr. T's tapes over and over, each time learning something new from the concepts he was teaching. She had worked out a deal with the bartender by the pool, she didn't need the sign anymore, Halvor spread the word that she wasn't healthy enough for anything sexual unless they wanted to see a doctor, and for many months. Needless to say, she was never bothered, not even by those consuming too much alcohol.

They laughed, she even had dinner with him one evening just to break the habit of eating alone and learned his background. He was the Rick of her story, head over heels in love with a local girl in college, who hadn't given him the time of day. Then one day she asked him out, and stood him up in front of most of the school as part of a big joke, as the college dorm laughed, big joke for his classmates, to him it was the ultimate betrayal.

She felt his pain, but he was far too young for her, even if she were in a place to begin dating, which she wasn't but she saw the human pain, caused by a woman much like herself.

"Kate, why do women think it's necessary to put one man down to make another look better? I mean women call men pigs, but the only difference I see in our actions is that men are more overt than those of females. WHY do they think they need to hide things to keep their identity?" he asked,

"I'm afraid you're asking the wrong woman on that subject Halvor, I'm one of the guilty women who have done just what you described, and even after therapy, I still don't know why," she said sadly,

"I'm sorry Kate, I shouldn't have brought it up, it's just that it, eh it eh,"

"Hurts you so badly you want nothing to do with her anymore Halvor?" Kate asked. "I'm afraid I'm here as part of that therapy to try to get over a man I hurt just as badly as you were. I'm ashamed to admit it, but the joke was on me. He's moved on and is very happy, I'm miserable, no matter where I am." She said as a tear came from her eye.

"At least you're working on making yourself better, and if he'll listen to the things that weren't right, you can make them as right as they could be between you two now that you have changed. Good Luck Kate, now excuse me, I know you have much to do before you leave tomorrow. It's been a pleasure meeting and talking with you." He said as he bowed and walked away.

He had been a nice distraction for a few hours, but that was what every man would be, distractions until she resolved her feelings. She had managed to write two letters, one to Lanie, one to Jenny, not excusing her behavior, rather owning it as she should have all along.

She informed each, on a high level she was out of town working on herself and asked to meet for lunch, for her to formally apologize to each. She had done all she could do now, forgiveness she was learning wasn't easy, even when you tried to forgive yourself. Tonight, she had to prepare to see Doctor Tony as soon as she returned, she wasn't regretting the meeting now.

She opened her notes and began to review, marking questions, or more information needed notations in the transcript of his tapes,

Knowing you need to let go and actually letting go are two very different things. These tips will help you discover how to move on once and for all.

"Learning when it's time to let go is often the most difficult part of this process. But in many cases, it's necessary to let go in order to unlock the life you deserve. Though each relationship is different, most find it's time to end things when the relationship causes them more pain than pleasure or when trust has eroded to the point where the romance cannot be rekindled.

Deciding how to let go becomes easier when you are certain the time has come and that your future happiness depends on a new start."

She wrote below this, "what if you don't have a say in letting go, what if it was the other party's decision, or in plain English, you got dumped. Then What?"

"Do thoughts like "I could never be alone" or "I'll never find someone else who loves me" constantly run through your mind? Understand that these are not facts, quite the contrary, they are limiting beliefs, and while beliefs have the power to create your world, you have the power to transform them.

"Replace them with empowering beliefs like, "I am open to what the universe has in store for me" and "I love myself and deserve the best." You may feel silly at first, but when you use these positive incantations as part of your daily routine, you will see results."

She smiled for a moment, no wonder Rick liked this doctor, he was very good, but she could almost picture the little boy's smile coming across his face at Dr. T's use of the words The Universe. She did feel silly, but so far, the good doctor had opened her eyes to more than one area she desperately needed help in.

"Your story is what you tell yourself to justify your decisions and is based on your limiting beliefs. For example, you tell yourself you can't have a successful relationship because of how you grew up. Your parents argued in front of you all the time and eventually divorced.

"You can't let go of the belief that all relationships are bound to fail, and this is why you can't maintain a healthy romantic relationship. You use this past experience to justify your current life state, that's a cop-out. You and only you can change your story so that your past empowers you instead of holding you back. Your past is not your future unless you live there.

This paragraph more than any other hit her deep inside. She knew that happy relationships were possible, hell her mom and dad were the best examples she had ever seen. Had she used her mother's death merely as a cover for her bad behavior? She had hurt many people, but the one that really kept her awake was Rick. She knew she threw away the chance at happiness equal to if not greater than her parents, and for what? She still didn't know.

"Letting go of someone you love doesn't mean you have to contradict the truth, but don't let it influence your current path. It's human nature to point the finger at someone else, a past incident, anything but to ourselves when we try to assign blame. In most cases, it's why you blame your significant other at the end of a relationship or another person for something terrible that happened to you.

"No matter how bad an experience you have endured, even when the facts are terrible or heartbreaking, you can't let bad experiences dictate your future. Rather, examine those that survive even traumatic events and relationships, then use your experiences as a tool to push you to learn and grow so you can create a healthy relationship with someone else. Remember, it's your story, and you it's only writer.

Kate thought back to the harsh words that had been exchanged, she was sure she was in the right when she hurled them at a man whose heart shattered right before her face. She thought of Rick's experience for the first time since the breakup, My God, how did he move on so quickly, or really had he?

Was he just trying to write another story, using new facts with Abby at the time? To even think Rick didn't love her was foolish, but she had managed to turn his deep love into resentment, especially after sleeping with another man so quickly.

"When a relationship ends, it's common to feel incredible amounts of anger and resentment, especially if you weren't the one who decided to end it. Perhaps you were justified, at least internally, and at first, you felt righteous about it, like the anger was helping you move forward. However, after some time has passed, you start to see that it's unhealthy for you, and you're not sure how to let go of someone you love and move on with your life.

She noted, "see the note above" since even though it was becoming clearer to her, she still held on to the slimmest of hopes it hadn't been what she knew already deep inside to be a fact, it was 100%, totally her fault.

"Negative feelings take a toll on your emotional and physical health, anger is even associated with heart disease, and will affect your future relationships. Perhaps you just had an Ah-Ha, moment, realizing why one or more of your relationships truly failed. Congratulations! You're one step closer to being able to maintain and enjoy a healthy happy relationship in the future. This will never be possible until you control your emotions, rather than allowing them to control you.

She could only note, I need to focus on this area, Dr. T I need some help here.

Learning how to move on from a relationship that once brought you joy can be very difficult. When you're letting go of someone, it's helpful to think of both sides of the story and see the situation from their point of view. Look at this person from the same place of compassion and empathy that you did when you were happy together. Yes, your ex may have hurt you, but they likely didn't do it out of malice. They felt their needs weren't being met in your relationship and they decided to take action in order to improve their own emotional state.

Kate began to cry, here it was in black and white, Rick didn't need to give her a reason, Dr. Burke had been close but here it was staring at her straight in the face, The words, they decided to take action in order to improve their own emotional state.

If nothing else, the reason was very clear, without a shadow of a doubt, now abudantly clear for her why Rick did break up with her. He had no choice, he had already reached the end of his rope with Vaughn, this made the knot he had tied to try to hang on unravel and kill any opportunity to move forward.

"When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears. That's why practicing gratitude is the antidote to the sadness and anxiety you feel when you're learning how to let go of someone. Let go of your expectations and focus on gratitude for what you once shared. This small shift in your perspective will help you realize that life happens for you, not to you. When you're able to find the lesson in every experience and be grateful for it, you'll reduce the anger you feel toward the other person and instead appreciate what you gained from the relationship.

Kate penned, Dr. Zeus, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" then she burst into tears, no longer trying to hold them in. The week had been good, it was a beautiful island, and she kept herself busy enough to see the sights she wanted, but the cold reality of what she had lost was just beginning to set in. After composing herself she returned to the transcripts.

Letting go of someone you love is a process. You won't learn how to do it overnight, especially if you've spent your life holding on to things you loved, even if, deep down, you knew they weren't right for you. Focusing on moving forward and creating a new story for yourself will help you deal with the inevitable pain that comes after a breakup. It will also help you eliminate blame, develop empowering beliefs to live by, and move on with an open heart.

Even if you know how to let go of someone you love and follow all the steps, don't expect to feel better immediately. Grieving is normal and you need to allow yourself the necessary amount of time to feel your emotions. Treat yourself with compassion and don't allow anyone to guilt you into "just getting over it." You and only you will know when the time is right to return to some social life, in whatever role you are comfortable with. The main caution is don't isolate yourself, the world is busy, and everyone has more to do than they can handle. Don't put yourself into a position of the forgotten one.

How do I get back in the game, now that I'm already forgotten? Kate penned, truly recognizing now that her self-imposed periods of isolation had done more harm than good.

"Once you're able to move on and appreciate the growth that came from the relationship, better opportunities will present themselves. You will have successfully learned how to let go of someone you love and can begin writing your new story, it's not a cure, nor a remedy, this is a process and will take time and work, Good Luck, you've taken a huge first step."

Kate closed the transcript binder, packed it gently in her luggage, and stared out at the waves lapping the shore for the last time. The only thing she could think about at this time was the letter from Mike Royce when Rick and she went to Los Angeles. He had warned her, she didn't want to have to do exactly what she was doing now, looking at her life and whispering, IF ONLY

TBC

A/N: The rebuilding of Kate Beckett has begun. Many concepts are from actual clinical experience, mine, so getting over a broken heart does take work, from both parties. This hopefully will begin the road back to redemption for Kate, allowing her to have a meaningful relationship, even if it's not with Rick in the future, Still undecided how this will end, stay tuned. Thanks, Tim