The Heart Won't Lie

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: This is Totally AU; Beckett has left for D.C and the Feds. This describes the activity of each, during the time away from each other, NO PROPOSAL, before she left, but plenty of ANGST. Can they find their way back to each other, or do they even want to? It blends some Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. What were each up to during this time, Taking Literary License to fill in the blanks.

A/N: CASKETT ENDING IS NOT GUARANTEED. : CASKETT ENDING IS NOT GUARANTEED.

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Thanks to reader pmt0622 for the prompt:

A CASKETT ENDING IS NOT GUARANTEED.

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Chapter 20

Heathcote Rd,

Scarsdale, NY 10583

Immediately After

Rick sat and read her letter three times, who was this person? Beckett had NEVER been so open, much less taking the blame for anything in the past? Had she written this when she was under some truth serum or in a trance? Whoever wrote the letter certainly wasn't the same person he had begged, pleaded, and fought with to get her to share her feelings?

The first line that had impacted him was "I'm not going to talk about the good old days, we both know they were far from good for you. I spent a great deal of time with Doctor Tony, and although it took me quite a while, I think I found out where I was wrong. Doctor Burke had hinted, but Dr. T, well you know his style, told me flat out his assessment."

He certainly did know Tony's style, one of the reasons he pleaded with her to attend counseling with him BEFORE they moved any further in the relationship. Every person brings baggage, Dr. T had the art of pulling that baggage out and helping the two people deal with it professionally.

He and Gina had first visited him when they were at war, literally, each of them trying to outdo the other with hurtful comments and slurs. Doctor T only heard about five minutes of the exchanges before he separated them into different rooms. He spoke to each separately, and Rick still didn't have a clue as to what he told his wife at the time, but he tore him a new asshole about being a man, treating a woman with respect, regardless of how you're treated.

That was the main reason Rick begged her to attend counseling with him, he knew her past had skeletons in it, just as his, and he wanted a safe place to tell her everything. She was being her typical self, and refused, actually she got pissed off and moved back to her apartment for three days until she finally came back only if he didn't bring the subject up again.

He agreed reluctantly, and in hindsight, should have stuck to his demands, it was past behavior resurfacing that eventually destroyed the relationship, it almost took him along with it, but he fought hard and thank God for Abby, not the sexual side, but his therapist. It took a long while before he was ready to even kiss her, much less do the deed, even after he had heard Kate had wasted no time.

Abby had told him that if he wanted revenge sex, he knew the numbers of many women that would satisfy that requirement no questions asked but she wasn't one of them. It dawned on him then, that they both had been playing high school games of getting you last, it was time for it to stop and for the adults to emerge.

Abby worked with him, along with a few sessions with Doctor Tony, including a joint session, just to be sure that Abby could be impartial when discussing Rick's treatment. It hadn't taken long for both to recognize the physical attraction between two old friends. Perhaps it was the need for physical touch or the pent-up sexual frustration from both, but each knew as long as she was his therapist, nothing could happen.

Rick found another MALE therapist that Abby recommended, and then the slow courtship of the two began. It had been over three years since Abby had "Officially" been his therapist, she could argue all the advice given since then was from best friends since they had a long history. Her trip to his new home proved to be more than either could stand, the consummation of love-making began at a feverish pitch.

He thought back to Abby's words about revenge sex, she had been correct, he had wanted to hurt Kate as she had hurt him, but decided not to partake in that ritual. It proved to be the turning point in his and Abby's time together, time he didn't regret and cherished each moment. They talked, made love, talked some more, and Abby didn't seem threatened by her. They had the agreement, and when Keith Polson re-entered her life, he knew what he had to do.

The universe had worked it out that Serena Kay came into his life the very same day as it took Abby from the lead role. Serena wasn't shy about what she wanted or when, and they had enjoyed a great relationship, even thru some difficult and honest conversations. He thought what a change from Beckett until he continued to read her letter once again.

He began to read the next paragraph, it sounded a lot like what he had heard before until he read, "Doctor T let me know that you didn't walk away from me to punish me, you had to survive and had reached the depths of what even you could take, which was more than ten times any other man."

Could it be that for the first time since he had met her that Katherine Beckett was considering the other party in her life, and how her actions made them feel? He knew that Dr. T wasn't opposed to responding with words, lie "Bullshit", or "That's a line of crap, back up and tell me the truth", perhaps not textbook style, but very effective nonetheless.

He was beginning to feel hope, perhaps for the first time until his eyes read "I won't bring up the past except where I need to make things right. You gifted me round-trip first-class tickets to anywhere in the world when I was with Motorcycle Boy, I let you believe that he and I used them the year we went to Hawaii, we didn't. I never told you, we used his points. That was a lie I carried forward to even when we were together, please forgive me."

She had let him think he was funding a week in Hawaii with her lover, a week-long fuck fest as she described it in vivid details upon her return, and even after committing to him, had not come clean about the lie? That was sounding like the real Beckett was emerging, and what he had hoped were changes were her just learning how to say the things she needed to say, rather than how she felt.

His anger boiled over, she hadn't changed, she had just learned to play the game. She had learned a great deal in a short time in Washington DC, he was stupid to think she could ever change. He reached over, poured another three fingers, and then, just looked at it.

"No More," he said to himself, no more alcohol trying to treat the illness of Kate Beckett's memory. He got up, glanced out of his window, paced around his suite a few times, and then returned to read the rest of the propaganda.

His eyes returned to the letter, but his spirit was now in a much different place than it had been a few short minutes ago. A LIE, a fucking LIE, she had even let it carry over to when they were working their way towards a life together. WHY, HOW could she do something like that? Did she have ice water in her veins? Of course, she didn't he knew she bled as his thoughts flashed back to a gunshot, a cemetery, and the start of a very dark time in his life.

"I was alone and went to the Virgin Islands to work on the journal assignment for Doctor T. I'm sure you know the assignment, and I did get a laugh when he used your words 'the universe' I could almost picture your smile."

She remembered his smile, he remembered her ridicule, "It's not the universe Castle, there's a logical explanation to what happened, when we find it, it won't have anything to do with your silly universe theories."

It wasn't the first time, nor the last that he would be the target of her ridicule, someone who was supposed to be his partner, or at least she agreed that he was when he was trying to protect her. Then the argument came,

(The following courtesy of Quotes dot net)

Castle:
Kate, listen to me -

Kate:
Listen to you? Why should I listen to you? How am I even supposed to trust anything that you say

Castle:
How are you s- Because of everything that we have been through together! Four years, I've been right here! Four years just waiting for you to just open your eyes and see that I am right here. And that I'm more than a partner. Every morning, I-I bring you a cup of coffee, just so I can see a smile on your face. Because I think you are the most remarkable... maddening... challenging... frustrating person I've ever met. And I love you Kate, and if that means anything to you, if you care about me at all, just don't do this.

Kate:
If I care about you? Castle, you cut a deal for my life like I was some kind of a child. My life. Mine. You don't get to decide.

Castle:
You keep going with this. They're gonna decide. They're gonna come for you, Kate.

Kate:
Let them come. They sent Coonan and he's dead. They sent Lockwood and he's dead. And I am still here Castle. And I am Ready.

Castle:
Ready for what. To-To die for your cause? This isn't a murder investigation anymore, Kate. They've turned it into a war.

Kate:
If they want a war, then I will bring them a war, straight to their doorsteps.

Castle:
Well, I guess there's just nothing I can say is there?... O.K. Um. Yeah, You're right Kate. It's your life. You can throw it away if you want to, but I'm not gonna stick around to watch you. So, this is, uh, over. I'm done.

He remembered going home, then to Alexis's graduation, she gave a remarkable speech that made him proud. He declined calls from the 12th precinct, and then later, Beckett herself. How much could anyone take; he had reached his limit. It was the first time in three years he had summoned the courage to walk away from her, the first being with Gina after she lied about the Hamptons.

Then, as she always knew how to reel him back in, she showed up on his door dripping wet, no sense remembering all those lies. She had shown her true colors when she allowed Eric Vaughn to kiss her, weeks after he had spent hours with her standing on a bomb to try, and eventually save her life. If she needed any more of a profession of love, then, it was better to end the way it did.

As he was having his jeweler design a custom engagement ring for her, for him to give to her when she was ready, he wasn't pushing, she was secretly interviewing for another job. Well, wake up Rick, how many times do you need to see your value, no matter what she said, his eyes drifted back to her letter.

"I never thought for a second, how my actions would impact you, or to quote Dr. T, "the emotional currency you would need to spend to offset the hurt," At least she had gotten that much out of seeing Doctor T. She was absolutely correct in her assessment of the hurt she had caused him, more than anyone else in his life.

He began to read the next paragraph and almost threw up as his eyes took in the line "That leads me to perhaps the most embarrassing moment I need to apologize for, not even two weeks later and I found myself in the bed of my boss. There is no excuse, I accept the responsibility"

He needed a break if he could continue at all. She had rubbed other men in his face, BUT that was before she swore, he was her one and done. He didn't know at that time there had been a sell-by-date on her emotions, and her feelings would disappear so rapidly Vaughn, then DC, and her boss.

This time he did drink the alcohol, that had been staring at him in the face, he needed something to settle the revolting feeling that was overtaking him. He hit the play button on the stereo remote, and out came the song she had mentioned without even knowing its name. He glanced at his playlist as he listened to the female part, then came Vince Gill, fantastic voice but what the fuck was he saying, he mumbled his lyrics. The Heart Won't Lie by Reba and Vince Gill.

He downloaded the lyrics to the song, from Google, and finally found out the true words being sung.

Long after tonight
Will you still hear my voice through the radio?
Old desires make us act carelessly
Long after tonight, after the fire
After the scattered ashes fly
Through the four winds blown and gone
Will you come back to me?

You try to live your life from day to day
But seeing you across the room tonight
Just gives me away

'Cause the heart won't lie
Sometimes life gets in the way
But there's one thing that won't change
I know I've tried
The heart won't lie
You can live your alibi
Who can see you're lost inside a foolish disguise
The heart won't lie

The heart won't lie

This verse was more fitting for his life than hers, substitute TV for radio, she had admitted watching him as much as she could. Old desires make us act foolishly, not in a million years he thought. He had already had a few trips on the Beckett Love Train, and it always ended up the same, heartbreak for him.

He had settled the sick feeling in his stomach now and decided to finish the read of the letter before he put it away for a memory. He knew he still had feelings for the woman Kate, but also that he wasn't willing to risk his heart based on one letter and the encouragement of two ex-lovers.

The next paragraph, along with Gina's challenge of why he wouldn't forgive Kate, pulled at his heart as he read. "You're probably wondering if I already know, then why take the time to write this. It's because I want you to know, to hear it from me if that's at all possible sometime in the future, just how very sorry I am. It was like turning on a light after I completed working with Doctor T. If I would have agreed as you had suggested, I can't go back, no matter how much I wish I could.

Why indeed? Perhaps he didn't want to relapse into the emotional state he was in after she first left, then slept around, or was it because he was really over her. They hadn't met face to face since, well since it was over.

That brought the question to his mind, was he kidding himself, was he really over her enough to pledge his full self to someone new? Serena knew he wasn't, or at least she couldn't be convinced that he was. Even if the girls hadn't needed her, it was a matter of time before she would have called him on his shit, he knew it. The physical part he could block out, he had done it hundreds of times, but the emotional connections, that he could only fake for so long.

He glanced down at the final page of the letter and read, "I only have one wish left in life Rick; I think you know what it could be but in case you don't. I wish I could spend one more evening, go out to dinner in a nice place, maybe even include dancing, but have the opportunity to speak to you face to face.

"If that opportunity never comes, then I'll be forever grateful for the memories you've given me of a man who loved me when no one should have. Thank you for that, thank you for everything,"

The letter wasn't from the same Kate Beckett that had left him wondering what in the hell did he have to do to prove to her his love. This version said Thank You, a term Kate used in general company but never in deep personal discussions, hell they never had any. As he thought back, he remembered several times he brought up discussing some things, all met with the same objection.

She had many things that were "off the table" to discuss, if he had been firmer in his discussions with her, perhaps he could have avoided some of the heartaches he had endured, or he could have ended things before he went into it full throttle. Water over the damn now, BUT he wasn't about to repeat himself, not again.

He knew that Gina, Serena, and even Alexis would be on him subtle as possible to at least grant her a goodbye meeting. Gina had said, "For God's sake Rick, even I have to do exit interviews with the idiots I fire, the least you could do would be to see her face to face. Look, I know she hurt you, so what, that's on her, you're putting this behavior on you and you're better than that." She had said before he was out of her earshot.

He picked up her card, she was correct, he had deleted her contact information years ago, and entered a new text, a phone call might interrupt her, at work, so a text was safer.

"Gina delivered your letter, a surprise, but if you want to talk call me when you are free" Rc

His phone rang almost immediately, since he didn't have her in his contacts or a ring tone assigned, the caller ID just displayed the number he had just texted, with a generic ring.

"Castle," he decided to play it cool, too many times he had been on the wrong page, this was her move, he was going to let her make it.

"Rick, is it really you, I mean, it's me, Kate, eh Beckett" she stammered over her words,

"I know who you are Kate, I just need to know what do you want? I read your letter, it was a lot to take in, and a lot of the memories you mentioned aren't the fondest, so I ask, how can I help you, Kate?" He wasn't bitter, nor was he cruel, it was his emotionless voice she had heard him use to dismiss the Press when he was finished talking about some topic.

"Rick, did you read all of it, I mean the part where I said I wanted"

"I read that part as well Kate, but you still haven't answered my question, what do YOU want?" Rick repeated, cutting her off mid-sentence.

Kate realized that as much as she had changed, so had Rick, he wasn't the same man fawning over her as if he were a schoolboy chasing his first sexual encounter as he had been in their beginning. He was, eh, not cruel, not, harsh, indifferent, that's the word she was searching for.

"I'm sorry Rick, so sorry for so many things, and I know putting them on paper isn't the same as looking you in the eye so you may see I am sincere. I know now the hurt I have caused, Doctor T didn't mince words, and if only"

"Kate there's no sense reliving things from the past, they aren't going to change no matter how much you or I want them to. The best you can do is learn from your mistakes and move on,"

She knew it was wrong, but she said it and was immediately sorry for it the moment the words had left her mouth. "Move on, like you did Rick, not once but twice?" there were moments of silence then Kate, crying, "I'm sorry Rick, I had no right to say something like that, it just hurt so damn bad, I mean"

"You mean like hearing about how you lasted ten days before you were fucking your boss, I guess I really meant a lot to you didn't I. First Vaughn, then your boss, I think you need to rethink who moved on first. Hell, you created a whole new life for yourself, without even considering me.

"Do you want to know what was funny about all that Kate? The day you flew to DC to interview for the job, I met with my jeweler to have your ring designed. The day you fucked your boss, he delivered it, and I placed it in the safe as a constant reminder of your love and fidelity, guess the joke was on me," His voice never wavered, never showed one hint of emotion, it could have been a computer-generated speech.

That brought out the tears in earnest from her, he remained on the line, just waiting, not saying anything, not offering any encouragement or comfort as he would always do in the past, no matter how pissed off at her he had been. This time was different, very different.

She composed herself, and then started to speak again, "Rick are you still here?"

"I'm here Beckett, what do you want?" He repeated, oh God back to last names again, she thought

"Rick, I want to see you, even if for one last time, is that too much to ask?" She was almost begging now,

"You've apologized more times in your letter than you did the entire five years we were associated, so why do you want to meet, why is this so important to you?" He asked, back to the dry emotionless voice

"It just is, can you humor me one last time, and I promise, I'll be out of your life for good, if that's what you want Rick," She said half crying,

"What I want? Since when do I get a vote in things Beckett, I seem to recall you telling me that you ran around with the funniest kid on the playground for three years, and it wasn't enough for you. When did you give a rat's ass about how I felt?

"I know you didn't after Vaughn, and I'm almost positive you didn't after becoming a notch on your boss's bedpost, something you accused me of for the first three years I knew you. When did this transformation occur Beckett? I heard you had been working hard on yourself, congratulations, you've joined the human race of decency" He said his bitterness finally showing through,

There was silence, neither wanting to hang up, neither wanting to risk saying anything more to erode what little they had left. Finally, Rick spoke,

"The book signing for Final Heat is coming up in a few weeks, contact Paula for a meeting, one hour, in a public place such as a restaurant for LUNCH, and I'll meet you then. I don't control my calendar, so that's why you need to go through Paula, I'm not trying to punish you." He said, softening a bit,

"OK, I understand. If I have to go through Paula, I can do that, it means that much to me." She said softly,

"Oh Beckett, you included song lyrics to a song in your letter, the song title is The Heart Won't Lie, and I'll text you the lyrics from Vince Gill, you had them totally wrong for his part. I'll talk to you soon." Then hung up,

XxX

Three Years Later

Epilogue

Kate had completed her studies for her law degree and passed the New York Bar association. In a surprise move, she didn't open a practice with her Dad, but chose a small office in upstate New York, about 10 Minutes from Rick's home.

She had purchased a home, about 15 minutes in the opposite direction from Rick, and they continued to date, although he would not commit to her moving in, only to agree to an exclusive relationship. She spent most nights in her home, some with Rick, but mostly alone, reflecting on what life could have been had she listened to her heart.

Rick, true to his word put his pen away for good, spending time with his two grandsons whenever Alexis would allow. Gina as the Nana spent many nights there, and if Kate didn't like it, she didn't voice it. Rick had made it clear she had a path back to his heart, but it wasn't going to be easy. If she didn't agree with his rules about him and Gina, or any other for that matter she could end the relationship now.

The one song that played on loop in both households, more often than normal was The Heart Won't Lie, Kate thinking about what could have been, Rick thinking should he risk it, time would tell if the heart got what the heart really wanted, he always was leery of the old Beckett suddenly appearing. He had learned to manage heartache, now he had to learn to manage love. Time would tell.

The End