PSA: I am batshit insane. Don't judge me. ._. YOU ALL ASKED FOR THIS!
Our story begins like stories often do, with an evil God bent on world domination inviting his pawn to his dungeon. Yaldabaoth was very happy with how the bet was proceeding so far. Not like he had any troubles anyway, as Igor wasted his time whacking off to inanimate objects but he did warn Yaldabaoth not to underestimate the power of the human spirit, predominantly in the nether regions.
Yaldabaoth still wondered what the previous master of the Velvet Room meant but what was the worst that could happen? He was the administrator of the collective unconsciousness!
He was God!
Which pathetic specimen from the race of worthless puppets had the balls to dare defy him-!?
POP-
His supposed pawn woke up in the prison and Yaldabaoth froze, a feeling of eldritch horror surging and creeping up his throat when he realized something was very, very wrong-
His pawn was a danger to-
He took a look to his left and then towards his right and completely lost it.
"Get the hell out of here!"
Akira caught a glimpse of silver and gold and then heard an unearthly yell, one that managed to stun him for a few seconds. The voice blasted him towards the toilet and Akira yelped, numb and blind as his soul was flushed down the toilet and back into the real world but while his vision swirled and swirled, he did catch a peek of a shook hobbit gasping for air and he made sure to remember the face of the False God.
With the cataclysmic danger removed from the room, Yaldabaoth sat his ass on the seat and sighed. Oh boy. Sure, he harnessed the power of deadly sins but nothing, NOTHING was comparable to the horror that would have occurred if he not acted quick. Just thinking about it made the fabric of time and space unstable-
"What's wrong, Master?"
"..."
"Is something troubling you?"
"No..." Yaldabaoth forced another heavy sigh. He had to stop thinking, otherwise his cherished creation, the Meta-Verse would meet a most unfortunate and worthless end. "Just... stay away form that man."
The two attendants tilted their heads, a percent 90 degrees and at the same time, startling the already nervous God.
Was this what Igor had meant?
Oh well. He still had his other pawn.
... Right?
"Hehehe..."
That was the day and the human spirit was hard at work right there and then.
...
"Get the hell out of here!"
Ah, that vision again.
That day was several months ago and Akira still had no earthly idea what the hell had happened in the strange blue room. He remembered a hobbit yelling at him, getting flushed down the toilet and finally waking up in the real world. Huh, he supposed the whole event was symbolic...
Because his life was a hell ever since. Sure, he moonlighted as a phantom thief to steal corrupted hearts but he was also a literal schiz-
"So..." Tae noted down his symptoms and the lick of her lips did not go unnoticed by her patient, sitting on the bed and trying his best not to meet her gaze for more than a second as her intentions were very clear. Too much staring and-
"Is this really true?" Tae peeked curiously at the clipboard and at the top of the long list of symptoms, including and not limited to various STDs, atrophy of muscles and a generally shit immune system, all due to a protein deficiency was the apex, root and cause of everything wrong with his life!
"Phantom stabs?" Tae blinked and let out a small laugh, leaning in his direction and getting dangerously close to her patient, almost too close for sanity. Akira gasped and shielded his eye at once because too much staring and-!
"It's true!" Akira cried. "I get stabbed outta nowhere ever since I saw a hobbit in my dreams!"
"Interesting... Do tell more," Tae urged. She was not exactly a psychiatrist but she liked where this was going.
Akira went on to explain his ailment in great detail, much to the delight of the sly doctor and after an hour of airing his grievances and essential dirty laundry, Akira was finally done, with a load off his shoulders. Speaking off...
"Anything else?"
"Well.. I usually get stabbed on the ass..."
"That's hot..."
Akira scowled, trying to take a peek at what she had written. She started scribbling an awful lot midway through his story and deep down, he was somewhat hopeful while Tae was all too happy to show him what was she was working on and presented him with the clipboard. He snatched the paper and began to read through the contents.
She had noted down most of his symptoms and had theorized upon quite a few mental illnesses that would explain his symptoms, ranging from bi-polar disorder to absolute retardation but midway through the page, the tone and style shifted and it was too late for Akira-
"Stab me with your syringe...?"
What the...? Akira blinked and thankfully did not continue because-
He was reading through a smutty roleplay between a doctor and a patient!
"Oh hell no!"
Too late-
Too much info-
He tried to escape the inevitable but a split second peek at Tae who was lounging luxuriously, minus a few articles of clothing, on her chair was enough to flip the switch-
STAB-
"Ouch..."
After another stab on his backside, Akira stood up from the bed, now a completely changed man and Tae was impressed by what she saw. She wrote down the last symptom with a small giggle, one her guinea that had not disclosed for obvious reasons.
"No wonder you have a protein deficiency," she exclaimed but Akira was not laughing. There was just one thing left to be said by the leader of the Phantom Thieves of Hearts.
"Show me your true form!"
His voice shifted as well. Boy definitely had a whole 'nother personality, triggered by a stab from the shadows after prolonged exposure to indecent material.
This was a marvel of science!
SMASH-
...
"Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!" Akira scowled all the way back to his home, walking through the backstreets of Yongen-Jaya while trying to wipe off the lipstick from his now bruised face. This was a recurring theme for several months now as whenever he was exposed to anything remotely attractive and sexy, Akira went berserk with lust, open to each and every kink but when it was all said and done, Akira was left to deal with the consequences, including and not limited to bruises, fatigue, shame, blackmail material and last but not the least, diseases.
Any more of this and his noodle was going to fall right off and he was already on probation-!
"Oh my God, that's him!"
A girl giggled past him and Akira, despite having his brains screwed out a few moments ago turned to face the source of the voice. The otherworldly feeling came over him again when he went over the length of the skirt on the girl-
STAB-
"..."
A few streets later, the same girl was grabbed from behind, one arm wrapped around her waist while the other held her in place by her shoulder. Her assailant was right behind her and with the same voice, he spoke ever so eloquently into her ear-
"Show me your true form!"
"KYAAAAAAH!"
That fangirlish scream only turned him on more but before he could bang a very willing girl in open daylight, with a police officer right around the corner, while on probation-
SMACK-
"Get it together, dude..."
Akira got back to his senses and his savior quickly pulled him out of the alley before the punted girl could throw a tantrum. Akira ran alongside his only friend in the world, all the way to his home, a one room apartment even worse the attic in Leblanc. Sojiro had kicked him out of the cafe after learning about his several nights with Futaba and how? Why, because of Yusuke of course!
Questions for later as currently, Ryuji had to drag his sorry ass all the way towards to the couch as Akira had collapsed midway during his run, lack of stamina and all. After putting him down, Ryuji left to get a drink and Akira was left alone to process his the past few minutes. He sat up and tried to catch his breath, thinking over the close call in the alley-
SMACK-
"GAAAAAAAAH!"
"Ooops," Ryuji shrugged when Akira was knocked right off the couch by a soda can to the face, launched by Ryuji in hopes he would catch that in a cool bro moment but nope, Akira was far too slow and weak and now he had another bruise on his face. Ah well, at least this was not a hickey of shame from a chick wanting to bite his face off.
"Are you out of your mind!?" Akira got off the ground and glared at his friend.
"Yeah, I keep forgetting you aged 80 years in 6 months, my bad," Ryuji apologized after a sip of his soda. "But seriously, you need to get it together. There was a cop right around the corner!"
"I know, dammit!" Akira hissed back, cracking his back when he tried to grab the can off the ground. "Ouch, but it's an ungodly habit..."
"That girl will be after you and you know it," Ryuji said. "You wanna head over to Mementos to steal her corrupted lust?"
"Hell no," Akira remembered his last trip there and paled. Without Morgana, who had left him the minute he had screwed Ann, the team had to walk through the never ending dungeon and while he was able to manage that with plenty of energy drinks and rest spots, the shadows were after his ass too, affected by the human thought and all.
"Oh right, I forgot that place is female exclusive now," Ryuji chuckled but he had to fell sorry for his pal, especially after his lethargic walk to the futon after a number of rough coughs. He had really aged 80 in a couple of months but at times, even Ryuji could not help himself. "Well then, that girl will be coming from that Joker dick."
"It's not funny," Akira shot him a dry look from his futon. "You wouldn't last two seconds in my world."
"Well, with girls like Ann, Makoto, Teach, that shady Doctor and that banging Shogi player, I'm sure," Ryuji admitted with a sickening look of perversion on his flushed face. "But that would be the best two seconds of my life."
"Still not funny..."
...
Even with the split personality looming over him, ready to take over at any moment and his failing health, Akira was still a student and given his past record, attending school was essential to get off probation. After a pitiful jog from his apartment to the station, he came face to face with the detective prince, Goro Akechi.
"Oh God, first face I see in the station is yours," Akechi did not hide his distaste towards his fellow Wild Card and scowled at him from a mile away. "Why don't you drop dead already? Just look at yourself!"
"Yeah, yeah," Akira waved him off, sticking an inhaler into his mouth to get his breath back. "Go investigate about my dick, like you've been doing."
"You cannot investigate something that does not exist!"
"I am balls deep in your head and you know it!"
The angry back and forth between the hot transfer student and the detective prince got the nearby girls talking and Akira was the one to back off, knowing most of them would be traveling alongside him in the train but dealing with the detective was infuriating on so many levels. The guy was a loser through and through and despite having a fanbase of his own, he could not last two seconds without screaming mommy and so he found it fit to blame his troubles on Akira, the center of everyone's attention and the trickster was not ready to take his shit-
Akira moved into the train but something was not quite right. He was hit by a splitting headache and lost his vision before passing out in the train. He woke up a few seconds later and he was back in the station for some reason-
"Wait... Wasn't I just here...?"
"Oh God, first face I see in the station is yours," Akechi did not hide his distaste towards his fellow Wild Card and scowled at him from a mile away. "Why don't you drop dead already? Just look at yourself!"
"How the hell!?"
"Die, die die!" Akechi started yelling when Akira did not give him attention, horrified and confused over the mind and time fuck up that had just occurred-
STAB-
Akira had only two seconds to curse and howl over his rotten luck before his alter ego took over, stopping every female in a hundred mile radius with a godly wave of swag. Akechi on the other hand was stunned into submission, unable to comprehend the godly being before him, only able to gawk in response to the haughty smirk Akira gave him and then, the real Wild Card of the two spoke-
"Show me your true form!"
The uproar in the station was deafening and the nearby females quickly tackled the two Wild Cards, smashing their heads together. Akechi was horrified but Akira, open to every kink and preference made the detective his wife for a few seconds, legit scarring the poor boy until the fangirls ripped the two from each other. Akechi was only able to last a grand total of 2 seconds before he broke down in tears but Akira reveled in the attention and lust, laughing like a psychotic bastard until the very end.
...
After the scandal in Shibuya station, Akira escaped the cops and ran all the way towards school. He was sure his organs were about to come out after the long route and the day had barely begun.
"Ah, you are here," the voice snapped him out of his nightmares when a limo stopped next to him. Akira was suspicious until the owner rolled the window and voila, Yusuke was there, rocking a thick gold chain, sick shades and a high quality cigar in his mouth, puffing out smoke in shape of a beautiful bouquet of flower, such was the height of his artistic motivation, all thanks to-
"While my old socks are worth more than your entire worldly possessions, I must thank you once again," Yusuke admitted. "Your repeated outbursts of depravity and lust never fail to grant me new motivation."
"Wait, you were there?" Akira blinked, clutching his chest as he was still out of breath. "Couldn't you give me a ride to school?"
"No, you reek off bodily fluids and depression,"
"..."
"Regardless, here is my latest piece," Yusuke held out a portrait for Akira to see and the Wild Card paled upon seeing the new work of his old team mate, depicting him amongst a swarm of naked females, with no less than twenty all over him at the same time but the Akira in the picture was grinning, fist raised in victory. Meanwhile, Akechi was knocked out unconscious on the train tracks, crying in his sleep.
"Huh, huh, huh, huh," Akira threw up a little in his mouth and knocked the picture out of his sight, otherwise... he didn't fucking know... maybe a stab this time would lead to him tackling Yusuke into the limo and driving off into a honeymoon. "It's not funny!"
"This piece is already published and is being sold to the masses in the millions," Yusuke shrugged and held a hand to his chin. "Although I do admit I cannot capture the complete power of your reproductive organ and such a shortcoming drives me to madness!"
"..."
"I just cannot comprehend it for some reason, especially since it is never out in the open for long,"
"..."
"And so I say to you," Yusuke grabbed Akira by the shirt and smashed his head against the window of his limo. He shot a very intense and serious gaze towards Akira and then peeked down below. "Lowly creature of lust and retardation, I command you to-"
"Strip!"
Akira's horrified shout only resounded in his own head and with a flicker of blue flames, he gained a flash of his strength and pulled himself away from the now billionaire artist. He made a run for the school building in a mad dash to get away but Yusuke reminded him-
"No matter!" the blue haired artist yelled at him. "My people are everywhere and this time, he have cameras. The school is the perfect place for more inspiration, especially with your fellow persona users waiting for you there."
Akira heard that and crashed into the door of the school, falling face down and ass up. Fuck, he was right. The most feisty females he knew were the females in his own group. Ann, Makoto, Haru and Futaba, yes, even Fuatab attended the same school and with the new work from Yusuke already made public, he knew getting through the day was going to be hard.
But thankfully, with his genius level intellect, lionhearted guts and transcendent proficiency, the leader of the infamous group was able to evade the lust of the female student and for the first time in a long while, he escaped the school without a single bruise, hung out with Ryuji, had a nice dinner and went home early for an excellent night of sleep with a smile on his face...
Pft.
Nope.
STAB-
STAB-
STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAB-
Akira woke up and found himself on the ground, just inside the school building, face down and ass up. This time, he was caught in the position by a number of females waiting for him right beside the door, grinning at the boy toy of the whole school with every exit blocked.
Akira took a few seconds to process the events and remained silent for a while minute afterwards-
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
His screech distorted the very fabric of time and space but nope, nothing stopped the females from pouncing on him.
Ah, just the way to start the day.
First chapter done. This will have three as well. The previous fics had shit jokes only but I'm trying to tell a shit story here too and well, this was the build up. Props if you can get what is going on. This is the last installment in the pimpsona series, there will not be a pimsona 6 so I want to give this the proper ending.
I hope this was funny enough. Do tell me if it was.
See you guy around! Cheers!