So. Um. Hi.

Apparently some people have become alarmed because I essentially disappeared from writing for about four years. Those people have no reason to be alarmed because this is the internet and of course I'd bugger off eventually. I don't have a good excuse. Here are my bad excuses:

- I did get into a car accident but it was me getting slowly rear-ended by a bus and the only bad thing that happened was that my car needed a new back bumper and the trunk wouldn't open all the way.

- I also did discover that I have a series of really dumb birth defects because my birthmother was not the brightest 15-year-old pregnant lady in the world, but it's really fun to be able to say that I'm missing two small parts of my skull and that I have a mutant wisdom tooth and that my lungs hate humidity and low altitudes (which is why I continue to live in Calgary, which is 1048 metres/3483 feet above sea level and also why I never travel anywhere).

- I had to get a police check done because I wasn't allowed to volunteer for a band class until I got one. I got a ticket because I forgot my transit pass one day but I paid it and subsequently a warrant did not go out for my arrest (turns out if you don't pay the fine they'll put out a warrant for your arrest, which would be a very pathetic story to tell your children one day).

- I dated a boy and then broke up with said boy (except it is possible that he broke up with me, but there was a lot of yelling and quite frankly I am not particularly torn up about it).

- My older dog died and so we got my younger dog a kitten in order to compensate for the sudden lack of a companion and now I have a dog that grooms herself forever and a cat that begs for food in the kitchen when I bake things like the delicious rainbow cake you'll see in my avatar.

- I think I spent too much time being a good student and trying to maintain a reasonable average and I forgot how to write so I'm easing back in. Baby steps!

- I (hahaha, no, my mother) decided that another degree was my best career option so here I am in a new city being super happy with all this sudden freedom I have to make my own choices and also wildly dreading going home in a few weeks.

- I started the most inconveniently-timed long-distance-relationship with GreyJedi after an on-again-off-again crush that persisted for years. So there's that.

I promise that I'm not dead and that I'm gonna post something soon! I've been trying real real hard so please be patient with me while I remember how to do things that I love. :)

Roses only last a couple of weeks, and that's only if you leave them in water. They only really exist to be pretty. So that's like saying, "My love for you is transitory and based solely on your appearance." But a potato! They last forever, man! Not only with they not rot, but if you leave them they'll start growing stuff! That alone makes them a good symbol. Wait, there's more! There are so many ways to enjoy a potato! You can even make a battery with them! It's like saying "I have many ways to show my love for you." Potatoes may be ugly, but they're AWESOME. So THAT is like saying "It doesn't matter at all what you look like, I'll still love you."

Trotter's Law of Percussion Music:

Percussionists will consistently lose their music as a concert approaches
Corollary: All parts will be lost at least once, and percussionists will not admit to losing any music until they are caught faking the parts.

The Uncertainty Principle:
The location of all auxiliary percussion instruments cannot be known simultaneously
Corollary: If a lost percussion item is found, another will disappear.

Percussion Will Travel Principle:
On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the school

Percussion Won't Travel Principle:
On every band trip one important piece of percussion equipment will be left at the performance site

Diminishing Quality Rule to the Percussion Won't Travel Principle:
At any festival one piece of percussion equipment will be switched with that of another school
Corollary: The one you take back will be of lower quality

Law of Lost Drumsticks:
Percussionists will lose sticks
Corollaries:
Percussionists always claim the sticks were stolen
The lost sticks will be found the day after new ones are bought

Stidman's Law of Doors:
The largest of the timpani is always four inches wider than the door to the auditorium

Murphy's Law on Instruments:
An instrument always breaks at the worst possible time
Corollary: The instrument will belong to a first chair player

Baldwin's Law:
Instruments are easier to break than to fix

Wyszkowski's Law:
Anything will work if you fiddle with it long enough

Principles of Instrument Repair:

- The screwdriver of the correct size will be missing when it is needed to tighten a woodwind key
- When replacing a woodwind pad, all available pads will be the wrong size
- When a pad is accidentally dropped it will roll to the least accessible part of the bandroom

Law of Diminishing Repairs:
After restoring one key on a woodwind instrument, three others will malfunction

Mouthpiece Inertia Principle:
Brass mouthpieces are easier to jam than to dislodge

Halbrook's Axiom:
A stuck key will work perfectly when the repairman tries it

Law of Selective Operation:
Brass valves will stick on contest days
Corollaries:
They will not stick when the conductor tries them
They will stick again when the student resumes playing

Richard's Complimentary Rule of Ownership:
If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away
If you throw anything away, you will need it the next day

Communication Principle:
When a conductor gives students letters for parents, 15 will be left on music stands, 25 will be inside the music, 15 will rot in instrument cases, 15 will be left in lockers, 15 will crawl under the student's bed, and 15 of the parents will receive the letter.

Tillis' Organisational Principle:
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is

Left-Right Principle:
At least one person is out of step in any one march
Corollary: It is usually the same person

Reeley's Principle:
Any piece you select as a closing number will have a final note one step higher than the first trumpet can play

Small Band Dilemma:
The drum major is always the best trumpet player

Bogan's Law of Bus Trips:
Bus breakdowns always occur on the longest trips

RT 1 Principle:
The scheduled return time of any trip will be one hour earlier than the actual return
Corollary: This happens even when you pad the return time with an extra hour

RT 3 Principle:
You will have to wait at least another two hours for the last parent to pick up a child

Blind Leading the Blind Principle:
Band members playing correctly will always follow the players who are playing incorrectly

Murphy's Law of Small Band Sight-Reading:
Invariably, the melody will be in an instrument you do not have
Corollaries:
Cues will not be provided
If they are provided, they will be in the parts of your weakest section

Murphy's Music Stand Principle:
The music stand you get will wobble

Reely's Adaptation of Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction:
If you take a music stand down and put it up enough times, eventually you will have two of them

Two Principles of Diminishing Concentration:
Secretaries always interrupt rehearsal when concentration levels are at their peak
Players late for rehearsal are always those who sit in the centre of the band

Horn's Law of Teachers' Meetings:
After-school meetings always occur on the day of an important after-school rehearsal

Missing Mute Principle:
At least one mute will vanish from the brass section at any rehearsal

Extended Rest Theorem:
The longer the rests, the less likely a section will enter after them

Contest Pronunciation Principle:
If a name can be mispronounced as the programme is being introduced, it will

Two Recruiting Ratio Principles:
For every student wanting to play clarinet, there will be six who want to play alto sax
For every student wanting to play alto sax, there will be seven who want to play snare drum

The "There's Another Hole in the Dam" Principle:
Fix one spot in the music and another spot falls apart

Alternate Amnesia Axiom:
Any alternate fingerings taught will be promptly forgotten

Lost and Found Principle of Music Folders:
At least one music folder will be left on a music stand after each rehearsal
Corollaries
It will usually be the same player. If it is not the same player, there will be no name in the folder

Say It Again Sam Law:
Even if everything is explained perfectly, there will still be a question
Corollary: You will have just answered the question one minute before it was asked

Beginning Players Concert Law:
There will be one video camera for every three beginning musicians

Premature Deafness Ratio
A conductor's hearing loss is directly proportional to how many percussionists are started each year.

McMurray's Programme Principle:
At least one name will be left off the concert programme
Corollary: It will be the child of the head teacher

McMurray's Second Programme Rule:
If there are two ways to spell a name, the wrong one will be selected

Murphy's Law of Clapping:
If the audience can clap at the wrong time, they will

Two Principles of Cymbal Cuing:
Cue the cymbal player or he will not enter
Cue the cymbal player and he still will not enter

Law of Selective Acoustics:
The percussion section always sounds loudest where the judges are sitting. It cannot be heard from the podium

Hatch's Law of Clarinet Squeaks:
Clarinet squeaks always occur in the most exposed sections of the music

Fillmore's March Law:
If a march can be rushed, it will
Corollary: A march rushes in proportion to a band's inability to play it quickly

The Play It Again Sam Axiom:
At concert festivals, three other bands will play your toughest piece
Corollary: All three perform before you do, and play it better

Surprise Symphony Principle:
At least one section of the music which sounded perfect in rehearsal will go haywire

The Punctuality Paradox:
Give a strongly-worded lecture about punctuality and you will be late to the next performance

Bidewell's Transition Principle:
You are never as good as the previous conductor

Anderson's Solution:
When in doubt, blame problems on the previous conductor

The Least Credible Sentence in Conducting:
One more time

A man went to a zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shitzu.

Since the beginning of time, man has looked with awe at the majesty of birds in flight and thought, "If only those bastards were on fire, man, that'd be awesome."

Me: It...it looks like it would HURT.
Van: A lot of penis are badly drawn
Me: It just goes forever and he's LIMP.
Van: Oh. One of THOSE badly drawn penises. "Is that your g-spot, hun?" "NO, DAMMIT, IT'S MY LUNGS!"

A piece of cheese is like a puppy. If someone doesn't experience at least a bit of love for it, well. They're a bit off. --Nic