Kimberly
I should have known it would end like this.
I mean, what did I really expect by dating the leader of the power rangers?
A man that was too busy saving the world to notice that I was slowly pulling away. It was okay at first. Phone calls every night, we'd buy dinner and eat together on the phone, pretending like it was just like it had always been. Maybe that was the problem. Pretending. Pretending that everything was okay, pretending that I didn't hear the rumors from a thousand miles away, pretending that him saying Katherine's name didn't hurt me.
The pretending didn't last long. I mean, how could it? I'm not an actor and no matter how hard I tried, my heart couldn't put up with the notions anymore. I gave him every sign that something was wrong and he never saw it.
Tommy has never been that observant, not when it came to things about our relationship. But it's not his fault. We were both new to this. We were both trying to find our place in a relationship that had naturally developed.
Do I have the right to be selfish? Do I have a right to want more out of my relationship? Yes and no. Mostly when it comes to matters of saving the world. But can anyone really blame me? I'm eighteen. I haven't known a heartbreak stronger than this.
The only thing that has come close to this was the boy that I dated right before Tommy. His name was Matt and I thought I knew everything about love when it came to him. I was wrong. I was this fourteen-year-old kid with no business dating a high school senior. When Matt dumped me before he went to college, I was heartbroken, but then I got my powers and Matt became a distant memory. Our fights had always been awful. He would belittle me constantly because of my age, he would pressure me to sleep with him —although I never gave in— and he would look down on me and my friends. I would spend hours crying over him every night. Looking back at it now, I realize how wrong I had been. God, he was so different than what I had built him up to be in my head. Then I met Tommy and he was the complete opposite.
At least I thought the was. Tommy and I had our moments when we clashed, but they were rare. He never did any of the things that Matt did. Tommy and I grew from our relationship, we built each other up, we learned what worked and what didn't. I thought we would make it… but then I left and things changed.
Tommy will go to the ends of the universe to save the world, but when it came to saving our relationship, he chose to walk away. He believed my lie about there being someone else so easily.
And then it got me thinking… about her. The girl with the same initials as me. The girl that wears my uniform, my color, and rides beside him on my zord. The girl that fell in love with him the moment that she saw him. I knew I lost him then.
I chose to ignore the whisper in my ear that leaving her with him was a bad idea. I thought I knew better. I thought I could trust them to be true to me.
I laugh now at my stupidity. I should have known he was lying when he said there was nothing going on. I should have known that he had seen her as more than a friend. I mean, she's beautiful. She has everything that I don't have.
I never thought I had to question Tommy or his feelings for me. But when I sent him that letter, and he didn't even respond, I second thought everything that I knew about him. How long was it before he started dating Katherine? Two months? How do you move on that quickly? How do you go from loving me to loving her?
"Are you coming, Kim?" Jason places a hand on my shoulder, drawing me back to the present.
I've been living in this weird limbo since we got back from the karate tournament the guys won…. oh, and being saved by those stupid space pirates. I don't even care anymore. I've just come to accept that this is my life. Weird shit happens to me and that has to be okay.
I've been sitting at the juice bar, staring at the empty space that used to have my balance beam. It was gone now, replaced by a ballet bar that can be wheeled in and out at a moment's notice. It was hers. Just another thing that she took from me.
It wasn't enough that she took my powers, friends, and Tommy. She had to take the one thing that has belonged to me longer than anything else. I'll never forgive her for that.
I gave my spot up at the Pan Globals, citing exhaustion, but that wasn't true. It was more so the motivation to continue had diminished. I was failing even though I was rising. My coach begged me to reconsider, but I couldn't. My heart was no longer in it. I think leaving Angel Grove was more to do with the fact that I had lost my passion for being a ranger and gymnastics was my one-way ticket out of here. I didn't want to be tied to this for the rest of my life. I wanted the freedom to venture out and try different things, even if I failed at it.
"Where to?" I sigh.
I look down at my near-empty drink in my hands and begin to feel the regret of my choice of drink. I'm on my third strawberry smoothie and I'm starting to get a tiny bit drunk on sugar.
I look up at Jason and shrug. What else can I do?
His arm is in a sling after the tournament they had today. Unlike when we were a few years younger, the punches don't really roll off of us anymore. Not only that but we don't have our powers to speed up our healing.
"Hotel," he gives me a sad smile, "everyone went home already. Ernie gave me his spare key and asked me to lock up for him."
And no one bothered to say goodbye? Well, of course they wouldn't… because I'm the outsider. I'm the one that broke the leader's heart, right? He broke mine first.
Tommy didn't even look at me. Not once since he got back from Muranthias. He took off his helmet, looked into my eyes, saved me, and then pretended like I was nothing. Did I mean that little to him?
When Tommy and Kat walked into the juice bar, the air in my lungs fled. My heart physically hurt. She walked in, her arm hooked around his while he ordered them a drink.
I saw myself just one year ago doing the same. Now he's doing what we did with her.
"Okay," I nod.
Jason ran around turning off the lights quickly and then appeared back to my side. He helped me out of my seat and I immediately wince as he puts an arm around my waist. I lift my shirt high enough so to see a large bruise on my hip. It's purple and splotchy and hurts as bad as it looks.
Great. I thought I was done hiding bruises and making up excuses about how I got them.
"We might have to have someone look at that."
"No," I shake my head, "They'll ask questions and I can't exactly tell them the truth, can I?"
We take a step and I nearly fall over to the floor.
"What is it?" Jason gets down on his knee once he sees I can't even hold myself up.
"My ankle," I wince.
I take a seat back on the barstool and pull off my right shoe. Heat is pulsing up my leg towards my knee. I place my leg up on the other barstool for support and take a hard look at it. My ankle is the size of a goddamn softball.
Fucking hell.
"Holy shit, Kim," Jason takes a step forward to better inspect it, "This thing is huge."
I groan as the memory of rolling my ankle mid-battle floods back to me. I had been so high off adrenaline that I hadn't even felt it swelling all night long. This… this was bad.
Jason stares at me and we realize that there is no way he can help me in the car when he is injured himself. This is one of those instances where I wish that still had the capability to teleport.
I need help… and I've come to realize that Angel Grove doesn't house the support that it once did for me. Zack and Trini are still out of the country with the peace corp, Billy is on an alien planet, Aisha is off somewhere saving the turtles, Rocky is out of commission, I don't know Tanya, Katherine won't even look at me, and Tommy… well, I don't think there's anyone on this planet that hates me more. Angel Grove isn't home anymore.
"It's okay," I wave him off, "Go back to the hotel. I'll give Adam a call or something. I'm sure he can help me out."
"I'm not leaving you," he shakes his head.
"Well, you can't exactly help me, can you?" I smirk. "Go back to your room. I'll hang here until the swelling goes down. If it's really that bad then I'll give you a call and we can pitch a tent Kindergarten style."
A smile curves up his lip. That's how Jason and I met. I was building a tent with Trini right here at the youth center when we were five and Bulk and Skull decided that rather than introduce themselves, they would destroy all the hard work we had been doing for the last thirty minutes. Once our blankets were puddled on the floor and Trini and I began to cry, Jason came to the rescue. He had just started martial arts and decided to show the two bullies just what would be coming to them if they ever messed with us again. It was then that our friendship and Trini's undying crush on him bloomed.
"Jase," I hear an old familiar voice behind us.
We turn around and find Tommy walking in from the back entrance. His hair is long and hanging past his shoulders and he has a little bit of stubble he hadn't been able to grow before. He looks more rugged than what I used to remember. Maybe Katherine likes that just-out-of-the-woods look.
"What's up, man?" Jason says, nodding at him, "I thought you went home."
Tommy nods and buries his hands in his jean pockets, "I forgot my gym bag."
He looks between us for a moment, with Jason's hand resting on my leg and I can see a million questions and accusations begin to form in his mind. It honestly makes me sick.
"Are you heading out?" Tommy says after a moment.
"We were trying to," Jason sighs, "but Kim here messed up her ankle pretty bad. I think we might just stick around here a little longer and see if maybe we can get it to go down or something."
Tommy takes a few steps towards me, still not fully acknowledging me at all, at least not verbally. He takes a look at my ankle and his brows come together… he's not really giving me much.
He opens his mouth a few times and closes it back just as quickly. "You should head out, man," Tommy tells Jason. "Get to your room, shower, take a pain pill, get some sleep… You're gonna be feeling it worse tomorrow," he says, pointing to Jason's arm.
"I can't. How is Kim going to get back to her room? I can't leave her here by herself."
"I'll make sure she gets back to the hotel," Tommy looks at me and I swallow, suddenly feeling my mouth go dry.
"No, it's fine," I begin to protest, "You both can just leave. I'll be okay. This isn't anything that I haven't dealt with before."
It's true. I dealt with sprained ankles on the regular when I was a ranger but because our DNA was tethered to the morphing grid through our power coin, I healed in a matter of hours. It's probably why the rangers were able to brush off their injuries.
"Trini will kill me if she finds out I left you here," Jason shakes his head. "I'll just stay."
"Jason… go," Tommy replies, his voice hard and clipped. It was an order.
Jason looked between me and Tommy, a realization falling on his features. It didn't take a genius to realize that Tommy wanted me alone. Jason wouldn't typically agree to something like this, as it was, he played the role of overprotective older brother very well, but this was Tommy. If there was any other guy that he would trust with me, it was him. It didn't matter that things between us ended terribly, Jason knew that Tommy wouldn't let anything bad happen to me… and deep down, I knew that too.
Jason gave a defeated sigh, "I'll see you in the morning, Kim." He then turned to Tommy, "Take care of her, okay?"
Tommy replied with a nod.
The sound of the youth center doors closing was like clashing cymbals in my ear, followed by an immediate silence.
…and that's what it was. I didn't speak. He didn't speak. It was us existing and breathing. Now it was the countdown to who would speak up first.
He disappeared into the kitchen without a word, leaving me alone in the darkness, waiting for time to slip away.
I suppose this is my punishment. It's what I deserve, to be iced out of his life like I cruelly pushed him out of mine. Physically, we're close, but emotionally, we might as well be strangers. I was content on putting thousands of miles between us. I knew coming to Angel Grove would mean that I would see him again and that it would clearly be an awkward experience, but I thought it would be under my terms. He blindsided me.
He reappears after a moment with a bag full of ice and an ever colder expression. It doesn't take much to decipher that he absolutely hates my guts… but why stay? Why decide to help me if he can't stand me?
"This should help." He comes around and lifts my leg from the barstool and takes a seat. In an act that surprised me, he grabs my leg once again and rests it across his lap.
Our eyes meet for a moment and I notice a flash of something that was once there. Intimacy. But that was erased in the next instance once he places the bag on my ankle.
"Ahh," I flinch at the contact. The ice was stabbing at me like a million needles.
"Sorry," he mumbles, keeping his eyes on my foot. "You sprained it pretty bad."
"I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that this happened. I feel like I'm always the one that ends up with the most battle wounds."
He gives the faintest smirk, but still refuses to look at me, "Yeah, you do."
This was a regular when it came to us. We would always twist, bruise, or dislocate something. Tommy and I would go back to the medical bay and get into whatever we could find to help us feel a little better until our bodies healed. He took care of me and I took care of him. It was simple and unspoken. It was the way it was supposed to be… before we let distance become the biggest enemy we had ever faced.
An uncomfortable silence falls between us, one that hadn't really been there before. That hurts more than my swollen ankle.
His thumb gently strokes the surrounding skin of my foot, being careful to not hurt me. His touch is like rain to my fire.
The ice begins to numb my foot and I can physically see the swelling decrease. In all of this time, he doesn't look at me. I wonder if Katherine knows that he's here. I'm sure he told her he was going to head back for his bag but did she know that it would lead to us sitting in silence in a dark room? Did she know that it would lead to him touching my skin and driving me back to my room?
"It looks better…" He says, softly. "Do you think you can walk on it?"
"Um… maybe." My foot lightly touches the ground and I push myself to stand. I haven't put any weight on it yet and I'm honestly afraid of taking a step. With a small exhale, I shift some of my weight to the other side.
It was an immediate mistake. I fall forward as I lose my balance and crash into his chest.
"Nope," I wince. "Definitely not."
His hands fall to my shoulders as he guides me back to the chair I was just sitting at.
"Okay, that's not going to work. We'll just wait a little bit longer, yeah? Not a big deal."
I throw myself further back into the chair and sigh. I just want to head back to my room and forget this trip ever happened.
"Okay," I murmur. "Can we at least turn a light on?"
"Can't handle the dark?" I hear a smirk in his voice.
Not with you in it.
"Not a fan," I return.
He travels across the room and flicks a light off in the distance, it's not very bright, but it offers us more visibility than before.
"Better?"
"Much better," I reply.
When he sits down beside me once again, I get the scent of him. It's woodsy and spicy, like the cologne I had gotten him for Christmas. It takes me back to that winter, where we sat by the fire at his uncles cabin and talked until the sun broke through the window. We nursed our sleep with coffee and talked some more, never imagining that for us, the spring would be colder than the winter. We kissed under the porch and danced amongst the first fall of snow. Does that smell bring back that memory for him too?
I need to get away from him. I can't handle being this close to him and not having him be mine. It physically hurts me.
"Can we go?" I ask him, suddenly.
He looks at me, "…you just said you couldn't walk."
"I know," I stand up and I bite the inside of my cheek to mask the pain, "But I'm fine and I really just want to get back to my room."
And get far away from you.
I take a step and I tiny grumble escapes me.
"Kim," he says, coming beside me. "You can't walk."
He's completely right, but my stubbornness overpowers any pain I have.
I simply shake my head and take another step because I fear that if I open my mouth, I small cry of pain might leave my mouth.
I look and feel like a damn idiot as I slowly limp away. I've taken maybe four steps in two minutes. I'm about two feet away from my original position… in about thirty minutes, I'll have made it out the front door.
Even if I can't see Tommy, I know he's rolling his eyes at me. I can feel the heat at the back of my neck and it burns.
I take a wrong step and I fall forward once again. I'm fully prepared to fall on my face, but once again, Tommy is there, catching me. I wasn't expecting that. He was just behind me. How the hell did he get in front of me?
I look up at him and his brows are together, boring at me.
"Are you ready to stop?" He growls. "What the hell are you trying to prove? You're hurt."
I swallow, "I want to go back to my room. I don't want to be here anymore."
He shakes his head at me as his jaw ticks. As quickly as he caught me, he releases me and he runs towards the light switch to turn it back off. He's back before I can even register that it's dark.
"Hold on to me, okay?" He says.
I'm left speechless for a moment and the next thing I know, he lifts me up into his arms. One of his arms wraps around my back and the other behind my knees.
I yelp in surprise and I throw my arms around his neck for support.
"You're okay," he laughs.
And there it was… a crack in his armor. I hadn't realized how much I missed it… or how it would awaken something in me that had long been asleep.
I laughed too, suddenly forgetting about the pain in my leg.
We make our way out of the youth center and I spot his car in the distance under a streetlight. The parking lot is empty except for his truck.
Once we get to the door, he puts me down and unlocks it.
"Do you need help getting in?" He says once he opens the door for me.
I want to say yes, but then I begin to say no when a fruity perfume begins to invade my nostrils. It was her. She had just been in here. She had just been sitting in the car and she left her scent behind.
I look down at the floor, her image coming into my mind. She had her arms around his neck earlier today, pulling him towards her after the tournament. He escorted her into the youth center and ordered her drink. He gave her a ride home just moments ago.
That could have been me. It used to be me. I had never been more disgusted with myself.
"I'm okay," I say quickly. "I got it."
He nods once and goes around his truck to get in the driver's side.
The engine roars to life and I roll down the window in hope of getting rid of the smell that has attached itself to the seat.
We drive down the street and I breathe in the fresh air. Fleetwood Mac is playing on the radio. It's like summer of '95 in here, back when we would drive with the top down, the wind in our hair, our hands intertwined while we blasted our favorite music.
I smile comes to my lips but it fades like a distant memory when I realize that all of that will never happen again.
We don't talk for the entire ride up to the hotel and I'm thankful for that. I don't really even know what I would say. The last time Tommy and I had seen each other, we had never been more in love. It was unhealthy, quite honestly.
Now we don't have any word to say. We never discussed our breakup.
"We're here," he says as he shuts the engine off.
"I think I can walk," I return. I really don't need anyone to see him carrying me in.
I open the door to his truck and try to get on my feet. It hurts like hell, but not as bad as before. I limp forward and he offers me his arm for support.
I take it because it's better than having him carry me again. slowly, we make our way through the lobby and up the elevator.
When we get to my room, he follows me in and closes the door, sealing us in the darkness once again. I blindly limp towards the bed to sit down somewhere before my leg gives out and I splatter all over the floor. That's something I definitely don't want him to witness.
"Light?" He says.
"On the nightstand," I groan once I reach the bed. "I think… or there should be."
"Found it."
The lamp gives a soft yellow light across the room, illuminating the shadows.
We stare at each other in silence once again. I want him to leave, yet my heart is begging him not to go.
There are so many things I need to say, but I don't know where to even begin. I don't even think I know enough words to accurately describe what I'm feeling.
"I'll let you get settled." He buries his hands in his pockets, something I always noticed he did when he was nervous. No knuckle was seen when he met my parents.
"Yeah… umm, thank you for the ride."
He nods, slowly.
"When do you guys leave?"
"The day after tomorrow but I don't think you'll be seeing much more of me. I should probably rest my leg."
"Right," he clears his throat. "Make sure you keep icing it. It should help it all go down much quicker."
"Yeah. Thanks"
God this is painful. We don't even know how to have a normal conversation. It's like pulling teeth at this point. I just want to go back to sleep and wake up in Florida.
"It was nice seeing you… you know, without the whole Divatox thing."
I offer a small smile because he's doing a terrible job at the small talk. I think he wants to say more too but he doesn't know how to begin. It could be so easy for him to walk away but he hasn't.
"Yeah," I giggle, "I could have done without it. The scuba diving got a little too extreme."
"I hope your next trip to Angel Grove is a little more on this side of normal," he chuckles.
"I don't think there's anything normal when it comes to Angel Grove. At least nothing that I can recall, but if I ever do decide to come back, I hope I don't have to deal with any more space pirates."
"If you ever decide to come back? Do you not plan on visiting again?" He doesn't even hide the disappointment in his voice.
"Umm… I don't know," I answer. "I don't really see a reason to. Everyone is gone or planning on leaving. I mean, you heard Rocky and Adam, they want to head to New York for university."
"That's true.. but the rest of us are still gonna be here."
The rest of them? Tanya and Kat? Like I'd really travel all of this way to spend time with them. I'm sure Tanya is great, but I've literally spoken two words to her and neither of them were nice…
"To be honest, Tommy, I don't really know Tanya and Kat, so I'm not exactly going to be jumping on a six-hour flight to come visit them."
He laughs at my comment and then shrugs, "Well, I'm still here. Will you jump on a flight to visit me?"
My mouth is suddenly dry. Why did he ask me that?
"I…" and then I shake my head, "Do you want me to come visit you?"
"Sure," he shrugs. "I feel like we're good, right? We're over whatever happened. You've moved on. I've moved on."
His words are like a knife to my heart.
"Of course," I say but my heart screams no
He's moved on to Katherine. I knew that already. I saw it with my own eyes, but hearing him say that hurts so much more than seeing it… because at least before I could have argued that maybe what I saw was in my head. Now there is no denying it.
I've moved on are words that are coming out of his mouth, not being passed down from person to person, blurring its accuracy in a bad game of telephone.
"So you'll visit me?"
I can't. I can't see him because I'll never move on and heal. So I lie.
"I'll visit you."
He nods at my answer but I'm not sure if he believes me or not. I've never been a good liar, which is why I had to write the letter in the first place. My voice would have given me away.
I hate that we're skirting around the subject of our relationship. We haven't truly acknowledged what happened and it's eating at me.
'Tell him the truth about the letter,' my subconscious screamed at me.
"I'll hold you to that promise," he said.
'Tell him before he leaves,' it continued, stoking me.
"Maybe next time I can come with Trini and Zack. I know they've missed it here."
We're talking empty promises and we both know that, but we hold on to that pretense because we know damn well how to play the part.
"I've missed them too." He stands up and walks slowly towards the door. "Take care of that leg, yeah? Ice. Rest."
'Tell him now. He's leaving.'
"You got it."
"Catch you later," he says and I can tell there is something else on his mind, but he won't act upon it.
I have to be the brave one. I hate to speak up before I let him walk right out of my life again.
When his hand reaches the door, the shut my eyes and let the last drop of courage I have left in me speak.
"Tommy…" I let his name leave my lips, remembering how many times I said it in admiration. "I haven't been completely honest with you."
"About what?"
This was my moment. The moment where I would tell him the truth about how there was no one else, about how I lied because I felt our relationship slip away, and saw no other option because I was emotionally immature.
"I lied," I said simply. Somehow the words were easier to say than I thought it was going to be.
"You lied?" He repeated, his brow raised.
"Yeah," I cleared my throat, "when I wrote you that letter… there wasn't anyone else."
I looked down to the floor as my heart drummed against my rib cage. Every second that ticked by and he didn't respond felt like an hour. I know I should look up and face him, he at least deserves that, but I can't. The shame that I've carried with me for the last several months hangs too heavy.
I expected many reactions from him when I rehearsed this in my head… I expected him to yell at me, throw something, call me every name in the book, but instead, Tommy remained silent, like he was at war with his own truth.
Finally finding the courage, I looked up and my shamed expression matched his own.
"I know," he said softly, burying his hands in his pockets.
If I thought my heart was beating out of control before, it had nothing on it now. It was like a steady hum.
"What?" I whispered, not believing his words.
He nodded. I recognized his stance, his slumped shoulders, his regret fixed on his face.
"Kim, when I got that letter… I went through a roller coaster of emotions. I was angry, I was sad, I was heartbroken, I was surprised, I felt betrayed… it was everything. Everything hurt. You left me with no explanation other than there was someone else." His breathing picked up. "Did you know me at all? Did you think I would just take your letter for face value and that be the end of it? We went through so much together."
I simply stared at him as I began to piece together everything.
"I went to Florida to find you," he said, surprising me, "I was going to go over there, kick the guys ass for taking you from me, and find a way to convince you to take me back. I had it all planned out."
I couldn't breathe.
"I found you," he swallowed. "I teleported there every single day for a week and found no trace of another guy. I looked. I asked. I felt like a goddamn creep spying on you, but I couldn't talk to you. Then I realized the truth… and that hurt me more than the lie you wrote on that piece of paper. There was never anyone else… you just didn't want me… and for some reason I still can't comprehend, you thought lying about it was your only option."
Tears burned my eyes as I sat still listening to him.
"I didn't reply to your letter because I figured you just wanted out," he ran a hand through his hair, "You know, it might have just been easier if there had been someone else… at least that way I would have known that it was because someone fooled you into loving them… instead of you falling out of love with me on your own."
His words hurt me more than anything I have ever felt in my life. He knew. He knew. He knew. All of this time, he knew!
"You knew this whole time?" The tears leaked out of me.
"I can't lead the rangers into battle every day and be an idiot," he growls. "I've always known."
My hand covers my mouth as I openly weep. I've cried in front of Tommy a handful of times, but not like this, never like this. This cry was for a loss. For the loss of our friendship. For the loss of our relationship. For the loss of what could have been.
"Why did you do it?"
I don't know. It seemed like the right thing at the time, but my own insecurities and immaturity wheeled my hand as I wrote that letter.
"We were growing distant," I sniffled.
He rolled his eyes at me. It was like we were finally having the breakup we were always meant to have. This is the moment I'll know. What happens in the next few moments will form an image of Tommy that I will remember from now on. I'll see who he truly is. Because only at their worst do people truly reveal themselves.
"You're here and I'm there and we were just two ships passing by."
"Then tell me that!" He paced the room. "We could have worked on it. Jesus, Kim. I wanted you! I couldn't fathom what was so fucking bad that you wanted out but whatever it was, I would have worked on it to be with you. I can't fucking read your mind. I thought we had an open and honest line of communication. Was I busy? Yes! I had a lot going on. I was in the middle of transitioning my powers, my parents are hounding me about what's going to come after I graduate, I had to start thinking about my future! I had everything else to worry about but I thought we were stronger than that."
"What about Kat! You can't tell me there was nothing going on. You moved on so quickly!"
"Kat?" He shook his head, "What the fuck does Kat have to do with anything that happened between us?"
"Don't," I stood up, no longer feeling the ache in my ankle. "Don't make me out to look like an idiot. I knew too. I knew you were growing closer together."
His brows came together like he really had no idea about what I was talking about.
"She was my teammate, of course we were growing closer together… but not like how you think. I didn't see her like that."
"Don't lie to me," I pressed a finger to his chest. "We're being honest here."
"I'm not lying to you. Why would I lie? Why would I look to her when I had you? Kim, I didn't care if you were in Florida or fucking Neptune… I only ever saw you."
We were like water to a grease fire, one splash away from burning the world around us. Did I really fuck things up this bad? He has to be lying, doesn't he? I didn't screw this up for myself.
"I heard rumors…"
"So you took everyone else's word but you didn't bother talking to me?"
"I didn't know if I could trust you!" I yelled.
The silence in the room is one that I will remember for eternity.. because only then could I truly hear his heart shattering. As soon as the words were out, I regretted them. That was pain etched on his face. Real. Raw.
"You didn't think you could trust me?" He whispered. His eyes turned red from unshed tears.
While Tommy has seen me cry a few times, I have never seen him cry. If he ever felt the need, he never did it in front of me. This… knowing I was the cause of it, killed me.
"What did I ever do to warrant that?" He looked at me and I wasn't sure if he recognized who he saw.
My lip trembled, "Nothing."
"And that's my punishment for loving you," his nostrils flared.
"And you being with Kat is mine, right? I broke things off, you knew this whole time, you knew I was alone and you still chose her!" I threw the pillows on the bed at him, feeling a rage overcome me.
A darkness clouded his eyes as the pillows bounced off of him, "Yes! I'll fucking admit it. I used her to numb the pain. She was here wanting me, and I was there wanting you. We were too people loving someone that would never feel the same way back. So stone me to death… I'm already in purgatory."
I beat at his chest with my fists as my tears continued to fall and his solid frame didn't move an inch. "Screw you, you asshole! This… all of this… you're equally to blame…it's not all me… screw you…" my voice cracks.
I cried all there was to cry in that moment. I felt it in my heart. In my lungs. In my head. It was everywhere as the pain consumed me.
Tommy pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me so that I couldn't bang at his chest anymore. Not that it was hard to do considering I was already too weak to even move. But his act surprised me. I wasn't expecting it at all. I hadn't felt his arms on me in months, not since the last time I had visited during Christmas… and as they came around me, I felt that shame deepen. Because I felt something and I know I shouldn't feel like this about him. Not while he has Kat. If he had done this with her while we were dating, I would have died.
But neither of us pulled apart or pushed the other away while I cried. His heart beating like a drum against my ear, playing my favorite song.
His arms moved into my hair, cradling my head. We just held each other, breathing each other in, crying at our failure. It was us.
If it was over, it wouldn't hurt this much still.
His forehead rested on mine while his thumbs wiped away my tears and mine wiped away his. His fingers were rough against my skin and I leaned into them, hating the intimacy in my small and dark hotel room.
"I'm not dating Katherine," he says softly. I breathed his words in. "We went on a few dates and we hang out but we're not together. I don't feel anything for her. She's just some girl that will never measure up to you."
My chin trembled. I fucked this up. All of it. I sabotaged everything because I couldn't handle a long distance relationship. And the worst part of it all is that I know I still can't.
But this words played in my ear over and over again. He isn't dating Katherine. But then, what did I see?
"You're not dating her?"
He looks at me and I see guilt. "I know what it looked like earlier today… and maybe I'm a jerk for purposely making it look like there was something more, but we're not. I just wanted to hurt you like you hurt me."
He looks down at that floor and I understand his regret. I can feel his shame. "I'm sorry for being that guy."
While I don't condone what he did, I understand it completely.
"I thought I was doing the noble thing by letting you go, but I never forgot about you," he said. "I never got you out of my system. You're a part of me and you will live there until my last breath… And that's my life sentence. Knowing you're out there in the world, not loving me."
He released me that moment, breaking whatever trance we had and I felt the immediate distance between us. We might as well still be on the opposite sides of the country.
I stood in front of him, my walls crumbled to dust at my feet. I love him still. I always will… but now isn't our time… I have every faith that we will find each other some day. This isn't the end for us. It can't be. We are fighting a one-sided war.
"That's not true," I say softly. "I'm not out there not loving you. I can't turn that part of me off. I don't know how… believe me I've tried. I love you, Tommy. After all this time, I still love you."
His eyes still scream pain but he finds the strength to curve a side of his lip up. It's so subtle, almost invisible, but I saw it. It was there.
In a breath, we're moving towards each other, our lips meeting in the middle. We're a mess of tears, heavy breathing, and tangled limbs in hair. His lips are smooth against mine while his stubble scratches at my skin. He feels new but familiar. The hurt and pain are elevated knowing that this kiss isn't a goodbye… it has to be, and deep down, we both know that.
I might love him more than I have ever loved anyone before, but that doesn't mean were right for each other, at least not for this moment. Loving someone means sometimes letting go before everything crumbles in place. There is no doubt in my mind that Tommy is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with but forever doesn't have to start now. It can't. I'm not ready for forever. So for now, this has to be the end.
A tear slips down my cheek as I realize tomorrow will be a lonely day without him.
His tongue brushes against mine and I pull him deeper towards me. I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss the taste of him. I'm going to miss how he makes me feel because I know I'm never finding this with anyone else.
We pull apart once the need to breathe becomes unbearable. Our chests are heaving as we struggle for air.
"We need to go through with this, don't we?" He asks
My reply to him is my muffled sob. We do need this. We need to end things now before we end up ruining what hope we have.
"This isn't over," he says and I nod against him.
"I know."
I kiss his lips again and again, needing to lock his taste into my memory.
"But it has to be for now."
Nothing has changed about our situation. We are still in an impossible situation in our lives. We could always try again, but as it's written, we're destined to fail. I know that once we are in the right place, we will come together and things will finally be how they're supposed to be.
"When you're ready," he whispers a promise.
I hate to think of when that will be. I'm still trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be.
I nod against him, "I'll find you."
He swallows thickly, "And I'll be waiting."
His lips fall on mine once again, losing ourselves into a moment that we want to hold on to for a minute longer.
I wish things could be different, but we both have obligations on opposite sides of the country. We both have to fulfill those before we can finally come together. Being mature is knowing when to walk away, and knowing that the universe will right its wrong.
I'll come back for you, I silently promised myself. I won't forget you.
Without another word, he releases me and leaves out the door. I stare at the frame for far too long, wondering if I just let the best thing to ever happen to me walk out of my life. This was never what I planned on happening once I decided to come to Angel Grove, but I'm glad that it did. It not only offered me the closure I didn't know I could get, but it opened up a window to a possibility I thought had long been gone.
Author Note: Hey guys! New story from me… kind of. I don't have another chapter planned, this is what I wanted to write. It's bitter-sweet but just a different take on the breakup. I haven't read anything like this before on here about Kim's reasoning and Tommy's knowledge about the situation, but I could be wrong. I'm marking this as complete but I'm not going to completely rule out a follow-up in the future. If the inspiration strikes then maybe I'll add to it, but for now, this is it! Hope you enjoyed. In my mind, I have hope that they would have found each other in the future, but what's your interpretation?