Day 3 - Then

I don't even know who I am anymore.

How is it that in a span of a few days everything I thought I knew about myself was turning on its axis? Thoughts and feelings that I thought I had buried so long ago were beginning to resurface. I was questioning my values, my sanity, my relationship.

Was this all really because of Tommy? I didn't know him any better than I did the night before, but unlike last night when I wanted to put oceans between us, I wanted to find out who he had now become.

What did he like to do for fun? What was his favorite meal? Did he still love watching those awful B-horror films? Did his parents still travel to Montana for the summers? He'd promised he'd take me one day. Is that where he takes Giselle now? Did his mom share the apple pie recipe with her that she had taught me how to make?

Tommy's parents had moved over to Reefside not long after Tommy had left for boot camp. When I had seen them after everything had happened, they were surprised to hear that Tommy hadn't told me about his decision to leave. Him following in his father's footsteps and join the military was never anything we had discussed. I didn't even know that was a thought in his head. That's when I wondered how much I knew him at all.

I wasn't quite sure why he couldn't confide in me. I spent a lot of time looking in the mirror wondering what I did wrong. Why I wasn't good enough. What could I have done better or different? It wouldn't be until a couple of years later that I would realize that it wasn't me… I was never about me. It was him.

I thought he'd come back, maybe apologize, explain himself. I had hope that one day we could be together again, that things would work for the third and final time. There was something sick in my mind that would take him back… all he had to do was ask, but he never did. He never returned. I thank him for that now. He saved me from another heartbreak.

Then I dated other men. I found myself in a pool of options that I had never even considered before. I accepted free dinners, danced with a few strangers, had my share of first and last kisses with a few rejects, but there was never that spark. That something or other that made me bite my lip, blush in the dark, or sing in the shower when I thought of them.

Not until I met Cole.

I knew when I met him that he would change my life. We were both waiting for an elevator to open up. It was his first day and I noticed him right away. He was tall, his head of blonde hair was perfectly styled, his eyes were like sapphires, and he fit into his tailored suit like it was made for him. Oh, yeah. No one in the office looked like him.

One white smile from him later and I was his.

This is where the dilemma comes in. I love Cole. I want that future that we planned… but Tommy… he's here and he's making me think things that I shouldn't.

It's not like Tommy is doing this on purpose. This is my fault. It's my head that's insane. Tommy has never even hinted at there being anything there between us. He asked to be friends and nothing more, and I'm sure it has everything to do with the fact that he has a girlfriend that I'm sure he loves very much. Tommy isn't available, and even if he was, it would make no difference because I have Cole.

I searched the sky as I sunk deeper into the water of the hot tub. It was at the top level of the catamaran, overlooking everything down below. We had finally all sat down and had dinner earlier. I think this is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life. After dinner, I went back to my room and rested for a moment. I'd had a busy day, and truth be told, I wanted to create a little bit of distance between Tommy and me. I ended up missing the sunset, but it's not like there won't be more to come in the next couple of days. While the rest of the group was inside drinking the night away, I snuck away to do some star gazing. It's no hot spring, but it'll do.

"Drink?" Tommy offered me a glass of wine as he came towards me.

The boards beneath his feet creaked with each step.

I stared at the drink in his hand and then back at him, seriously considering his offer. But I knew better. I knew that I had been drinking all day, that I had wine with my dinner, and that if I accept another drink, I might not be able to have full control over my actions. That wasn't a safe combination when your boyfriend is thousands of miles away and you're within feet of your ex-boyfriend. It also doesn't help that he's a shirtless Hercules that's coming to greet us mortals.

"I better not," I shook my head, "it's late."

"Didn't stop you last night," He grinned and I wanted to disappear.

I wasn't a big drinker, truthfully. It only started when some jerk told me that I was too rigid and that I needed to loosen up a little bit. What he really wanted was for me to get too intoxicated that I would lower my standards. There was not enough alcohol in the world to do that. He tried to make a move on me and I sent him to the emergency room.

I drank last night so that I could forget that Tommy was there.

I can handle my wine, it doesn't do much for me, but I don't want to risk it.

"And that was enough for the trip," I smiled. "I think I want to be sober for the remainder."

He shrugged and set the drinks on a table nearby. The water shifted slightly when he got in and sank down.

"I probably should have asked before I raided the bar," he laughed.

"It's fine. I've just never been that big of a drinker… although you probably wouldn't believe that since I've had a glass attached to my hand the entire trip."

"The mimosa that first day did surprise me," he smiled and I returned it.

"I just haven't had many good experiences. I try to drink in moderation, but I've needed it to get through the last couple of days. Things seem better now."

"You haven't had good experiences?" His chin dipped like he was studying me, "What do you mean?"

"It's nothing," I waved him off, "Just some idiot trying to get me drunk."

The crease at the corner of his eyes faded and out came the wrinkle on his forehead. He bore at me with darkened intensity, watching my face as if I had just said the worst thing imaginable. Is this the last thing his enemies see?

"Someone tried to take advantage of you," He continued to stare at me, a grit to his voice as he spoke.

"A long time ago," I half-smiled because it wasn't that big of a deal to me anymore.

I could see the bob of his neck when he swallowed, his nose flaring.

I've seen this face before.

"I handled it," I felt the need to add. The atmosphere shifted between us and I could feel the monster inside of him wanting to beat his chest. I don't know what overcame me, but I reached towards him and placed a hand on his shoulder, "Nothing happened, okay?"

His muscle twitched beneath my hand, making the water boil over.

My hand was permanently fixed in that position. I couldn't move it. I tried.

I'm not sure how long it was, it seemed like an eternity, but he offered me the faintest of smiles. Then, what I think surprised both of us, he covered my hand with his.

My eyes narrowed slightly as I tried to read what was going on in his mind. I couldn't. He was still this man of mystery that I wanted to solve. He brought our joined hands under the water but didn't let go. And that's how we sat.

It was like our own little secret. We didn't acknowledge it, we didn't try to break away. We simply held hands under the simmering water and forgot the world around us.

Moments later we were laughing under the stars. The same stars that had never been so bright before. Light pollution in Angel Grove was a real thing. I couldn't see anything beyond a few outliers.

"And how do you like Pearson Media?" Tommy asked.

"It has its ups and downs. I love what I do and the pay is great, but nothing is perfect."

"What don't you like about it?"

"Probably that I've had to work twice as hard as any man in there to get to where I am today," I shook my head. "It took me a long time to be taken seriously. You have no idea how many unqualified men walked in after me and were promoted before I even had the chance."

His head dipped, "I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be," I shrugged, "I'm their boss now."

"I'd consider that a win," He laughed and took a sip of his drink.

"I'd also call it that."

"Do people take you seriously now?"

I thought about it for a moment. "They did… but then Cole and I started dating and people naturally assumed that I slept my way to the top. No one really cared to notice that I was already a manager by the time he came in."

Tommy remained silent and I took that time to imagine what he was thinking.

"Is he good to you?" He asked after the moment passed.

His question surprised me because we've never taken the time to discuss our relationships. We've mentioned them in passing, like the pool incident on our first day, or how he threw that favor in my face last night, but this was the first genuine question about my relationship… and I didn't know how to answer it.

"He is," I chose to say the truth. "I haven't had a lot of luck in the relationship department. Guys are usually after one thing and when they get it, they decide they want someone else. Cole was never like that."

He gave me a small smile. "He sounds like… a nice guy."

My head dipped to hide a smile. I heard the strain in his voice to get that out.

"As the official ex-boyfriend, I'm contractually obligated to hate him."

"Naturally," I smirked.

"It's in the ex-boyfriend handbook," he cleared his throat, "Right after the article about who gets to keep the television."

"Right," I smirked, "So you have to hate him even though I just said he's amazing?"

"Did you say that, though," He rubbed his chin, "I don't think I heard those exact words?"

"He's amazing," I clarified.

"And what makes him so?"

I never thought I had to explain my boyfriend to Tommy before, but weirder things have happened.

"Well, he's very patient, loyal, always happy to see me, makes me smile when I'm sad—"

That's when the laughter erupted from Tommy's chest. I don't know what was so funny.

"Why are you laughing?"

He couldn't get a word out. His head was thrown back in laughter and it was starting to become contagious. I smiled as he continued.

"I'm sorry," he shook his head as he tried to tame his laughter, "but you just described a dog. You're dating the human equivalent of a dog."

"Tommy," I giggled, splashing him with some of the warm water. "He is not."

"He's not?" His laughter was still filling the air around us.

"No!" I tried to fight my own laugh, "He just has great qualities!"

"Right. I bet he's a good boy?" He laughed, again.

"You're terrible," I splashed water at him. "He's the best boyfriend I've ever had."

"Ouch," he winced, "I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

"Oh, come on! You don't seriously believe I'd choose you after the way you dumped me, do you?"

There was no ounce of bitterness in my voice and I truly felt that in my heart. This was nice, talking to Tommy like a friend instead of an ex-boyfriend.

"I figured I wasn't in your top five," He rubbed the back of his head, the smile on his lips never once faltering.

I pretended to think about it for a moment, "You're definitely above the serial cheater, but below the nudist."

"Oh God," he sprayed the beer that had been in his mouth all over himself. He fought the cough in his chest to clear all of the liquid that had gone down the wrong pipe. "A nudist?" He laughed as he fought against what I was sure was a burning in his throat. "I need to hear this story."

The hours slipped away as we shared more than we had shared in the past couple of days. Sometime in the night we had gotten out of the water and sat on the couch that was on the deck. The noise from inside the yacht had died down, leaving me with the realization that everyone had already gone to bed. I had no idea what time it was as we drifted in the water.

Tommy told me all about how his parents had moved permanently to Montana and had been living there for the last three years. We talked about some of his hobbies, which he told me had been playing the guitar. He had never been into music, so it was nice learning that he had picked up something new. We promised to play a song together one day and I hoped that it was a promise we could keep. But as the hours passed, the bottles of beer that Tommy was drinking began to stack like a poorly sung road-trip song.

When his hand began to graze my thigh, I knew it was time for both of us to head inside. Nothing good ever really happens this late at night.

"I think we should call it a night," I stood up and offered him a hand.

I wasn't sure how steady he was on his feet right now. He took it with a sigh and I waited for him to regain his balance once he stood up. Both of us were wiggling. The boat itself had been rocking back and forth the entire trip, it didn't matter if it was anchored or not. It was like the equivalent of trying to walk on a waterbed.

"You okay?" I asked him. His hands were gripping at my forearms, his eyes closed as if he were trying to sleep a thought away.

"I think so," He groaned and brought one of his hands to his forehead, rubbing at his temple. "I'm seeing two of everything."

He gave me a small chuckle.

The wind that night had been chilly, making the air around us freezing for a California girl. When I shivered, Tommy rubbed at my arms to create that friction.

I wasn't sure how to feel about that. I appreciated it, but it wasn't his place.

"Let's head inside," I said, breaking us from this trance we have created.

When I tried to leave, he held me in place.

"Tommy?" I whispered, unsure of where this was going.

I could see the faint open and closing of his mouth under the moonlight. His alcohol-addled brain was trying to form a thought and couldn't spit it out, I was sure of it.

His touch burned me as he dragged his fingertips from my arm to my cheek, tenderly stroking the skin beneath him.

I swallowed, "What are you doing?"

He said nothing for a minute, simply touching and breathing me in, his face nearing me. I wanted to fight him off, to create as much distance between us, but I couldn't. I was rooted in place in fascination and longing at how good it felt to be near him again.

"I'm remembering you," he whispered and I could taste the alcohol on my tongue. He was that close.

We had been fighting something or other from the moment we had first seen each other. It was there. It had always been there. It had been waiting for one of us to get intoxicated enough to act on it.

"You're drunk," I whispered back, eyes closed.

His nose brushed up against mine, our foreheads pressed together as the waves crashed against the sides of the yacht. We were a mess. A beautiful broken mess of dreams that were lost.

This is where I wake up from my dream. It's where I run into my room and lock the door. It's where I think of Cole and hide behind my morals, but I didn't do that. I didn't think of anything besides this. The regret, the failure, the potential of what was and what could never be. I craved his touch more than my next breath.

Tommy was drunk, but I wasn't. I hadn't had a drop of alcohol in hours and knew exactly what I was doing. If anything happened, it would be because I allowed it to and I wasn't okay knowing that. So with all the strength that I had, and some that I didn't, I pulled away from him.

It was then that I realized that he wasn't letting me move. He had me. He was here, breathing me in, consuming me.

"What would you have done if I had come back," He asked, his lips trembling so close to mine that I could feel them. "If I would have explained myself to you? Would you have come back to me?"

Breathe.

"I don't think any of this matters anymore," he released me enough to see his face.

"Please," He stroked my cheek, "I need to know."

"Why?" The knot formed in my throat.

"Because I love to torture myself… and I need to know if I'm right."

The tears formed in my eyes, "What do you think?"

It was every question that I wanted to know.

"That I pushed you too far. That you hated me the moment I stepped on the bus. That you would never have taken me back, even if I begged."

Is that what he thought all this time? It was never that simple. It took work to hate him because I couldn't. It wasn't natural to me.

"You're wrong," A tear slipped from my cheek, feeling my heart speak, "I would have run to you… I would have loved you, even if everyone would say that I was crazy…" I swallowed, feeling the heat from his breath on my lips, "and I never would have looked back."

I saw every emotion filter through his face in an instant, but I couldn't stay and watch any longer. When I pulled away this time, he let me go, and I took two stairs at a time back to my room, leaving him with every regret we both had.

Author note: More to come! Thank you for your kind messages :)