Day 4 - Then
"Let's dance," Tommy said and I just stood there staring at him blankly.
"Huh?"
"Let's dance," he repeated, firmer.
It was like he wasn't even asking me at all. Was it a demand or a request?
He caught my curiosity when he extended his hand to me.
Dance? With him? Does he even know how to do that?
"Friends do this, you know," he gave me that sweet smile that reminded me of the simple Angel Grove days.
Friends? Oh right! I forgot that's what we were.
He took my hand in his and I felt an intimacy we haven't had in years.
His touch wasn't as soft as I remembered. He had rough working hands that have done more than I could possibly imagine… and I've never felt more protected.
There was an intermixed scent of salt water and summer heat in the air that was driving me mad. My hair was clinging to the exposed areas of my skin from the humidity. I'm sure I looked a mess, but Tommy held me like I was the most beautiful woman in the world.
All eyes were on us for a moment. I knew what we must look like. A happy couple to all but inside I knew the sick truth. We were a lost relationship. A forced friendship that could never truly be.
Tommy pulled me in closer to him, he used one hand to clutch mine to his chest and his other was placed on my lower back. We've danced like this before, at our junior prom, under the stars in my parents back yard, in the kitchen. All of it now was fading into a distant memory.
We were only alone for a minute before other couples joined us in the small courtyard.
I couldn't look up at him in fear of what I might find when I did, so I did the only thing that felt natural, I placed my head on his chest, over his heart, and listened to it. I found it pounding against my ear.
I was sure that if he listened to mine he would find the same.
Still, I moved with him and prayed that this was an everlasting song that would keep me here with him.
That's when I realized this was wrong.
I shouldn't feel safe in his arms, it should be Cole. I shouldn't want this song to go on forever with him, it should be Cole. Tommy was making me question everything with his presence and I was falling right into it.
Why do I feel this way about him still? Why can't I just let these feelings die?
This isn't right. I shouldn't be dancing with Tommy as the sun sets behind us. And I know he is thinking it too. What would Cole think if he found me this way? What would Giselle say? They wouldn't be happy because I know I wouldn't be either. If I saw Cole dancing with another woman, I would be crushed. If he felt for someone what I was feeling in my heart for Tommy, I would be destroyed.
I could feel the tears forming in my eyes and I closed them to try to keep them in.
"Oh, look," Tommy rubbed my back gently, "the sun is setting."
He released the hand that had been on my back, but he held on to the other that had been on his chest.
"Come on," he said and pulled me towards the ledge where other people had gathered to witness a real life painting.
He placed me in front of him and secured himself behind me like all of the other couples around us. Again, we were blending with the crowd.
I looked around to find children pointing into the distance, telling their parents about the colors that were melting into the sky. Blues, purples, and oranges so rich that they seemed unnatural.
I teared up again.
I teared up at the children, at the music that continued to play in the background, at the couples around us kissing as the sun descended deeper, and most of all, I teared up when Tommy wrapped his arms around my waist and dropped his head against my shoulder.
Was he thinking it too? Was he wondering where we went wrong? Why this couldn't be us? Everything in me wished that things could be different. That what we were doing was as natural as it felt… but this isn't the case.
We messed up somewhere along the way and I couldn't continue to do this any longer.
"Tommy," I tested my voice.
He mumbled into my shoulder, his breathing picking up again.
"Tommy," I tried again and unconsciously rubbed at his forearms around my waist.
Silence was all I received. I wanted this moment to last forever and forget that I had a boyfriend that was waiting at home for me, but as much as I tried to ignore that little voice, there was another one that was inside of me screaming even louder.
"This is wrong," I used all my strength to brush him off of me.
He looked at me, confusion glistening in his eyes, "What do you mean?"
I took a few steps away form him, needing that distance and the privacy from the tourists. He followed me, of course.
"We can't do this," I sighed, shaking my head.
"Do what?"
"This," I motioned between us, "All of this. It's wrong."
"We're not doing anything that friends wouldn't do," he told me and I wasn't sure if he was believing his lie.
"Who are we trying to fool?" I pressed, "Because I don't slow dance like that with my friends, I don't just let them hold me the way that you hold me, and I sure as hell don't feel about them the way that I feel about you!"
He doesn't meet my eyes, but rather avoids my gaze entirely and he looks down to the floor. I'm thankful for that because the tears that I've been at war with were beginning to win the battle.
"What are we doing?" I ask, desperate for an answer.
"I don't know," he says after some silence
"Then this ends… now. Cole will be here in a few days… Giselle will too. They are who we love. They are who we hold… not us. We had our chance and you threw it away. You threw me away and any future that we would have had together."
"You don't think I know that?" He growls before throwing a frustrated hand through his short hair, "You don't think that I don't think about how different things would be right now if I never got on that bus or signed my life away? I did this for you, okay?"
"What the hell are you talking about? Did what for me?"
"Set you free!"
We were like two dogs trying to out-bark each other.
"You mean dumping me? Leaving me to cry at a bus stop for hours until Jason finally picked me up? Not giving me a proper goodbye and letting me piece it all together by myself? You did me some fucking favor!
"No, you don't get to turn this back on me, alright? I know what kind of life you would have had if we would have stayed together."
"Oh, yeah? Like what?"
"A fucking miserable one! My parents went through this for years. I saw how difficult it was. I didn't want to do the same to you."
"Because Giselle sounds fucking miserable to me!" I didn't even hide the bitterness in my voice.
I was jealous, thank you very much.
I shoved past him to the alley that leads back to the hotel. I couldn't continue having this conversation. It was pointless. I didn't care for his stupid reason. I didn't care that he thought about me. I didn't care about any of it!
"You know nothing about my relationship with her," he jumps in front of me, forcing me to face him. "You think it's fun that we see each other once every couple of months? You think it's nice that I put my job and duty above her? Do you think she doesn't notice that when I'm with her all I do is think about you?
When his words leave his mouth all I want to do is cover my ears.
"She knows about us?" I whispered.
"Of course," he looked at me and I could see the question forming behind his eyes. "Doesn't Cole?"
My silence was his answer and my reply from him was his painful realization.
"Oh," was all he could say and I tried to ignore the hurt in his eyes.
I don't know why I had an innate need to apologize, but I fought it. He was the one that owed me the apology, not me. I'm not responsible for his hurt feelings.
"Our relationship happened, you know. We can't just ignore or forget it, no matter how badly you wished you could… So I did think about you. I still think about you."
"Stop," I tell him when he takes a step towards me. "You don't get to say that to me. You don't get to feel or think about me."
"But it's all I do! I know you know!" His voice softened, "I mean, you must. You don't think that you've been on my mind since the day that I stepped on that bus?
"No!" I say and turn away from him. My legs begin to move back towards the direction of the hotel.
He chases after me and pulls my hand so I can face him, "Don't walk away from me."
I can hear his breathing getting deeper.
"Why not? It's what you did to me."
He grew silent. "It's a mistake I live with every single day."
"Then why did you? Why did you throw everything away?"
That was the unanswered question I've held on to in private. What went wrong? What did I do to push him away? What did I do that made him leave me in such a cruel way?
"Because I was drowning with no way out! Everyone knew when it was their time to give up their powers… but I didn't. I wasn't ready. I couldn't just sit back and watch the other teams go out and do the good that I wanted. I should have been out there too. I was forced to give up my powers before I was ready and I regretted every moment of it. I was a kid and I was stupid. I went about things the wrong way, but I didn't know how to tell you. My shipment day just got closer and closer."
The pain in his voice broke me. I don't know what he was feeling when he made the decision to leave, but it still didn't excuse him for leaving the way that he did.
"You lied to me day after day. We planned a future together!"
"I know."
"Life with me didn't satisfy you enough?" That was all I took from that conversation.
"It wasn't that—"
"—but it was. You wanted to go out there and head into battle, knowing that I didn't feel the same."
"You had already done your service. I wasn't done with mine."
"You think I wouldn't have supported you?" My eyes glossed over. "We could have gone our separate ways if that's what you truly wanted, we could have done things right and found our way back to each other, but leaving me with no explanation is something I don't think I'll ever get over."
He shook his head, "I've seen shit… I've done things that I'm not proud of…. but the hardest has always been leaving you behind."
I pulled my hand from his grip, "I don't believe you."
"Why?"
"Because you never once tried to reach out to me!" My voice breaks but I don't care, "You think I just got over you the minute you left? I didn't! I waited for you like an idiot! I waited for you to comeback for me! I was ready to pack up and move to wherever they shipped you off to, even after you left, but I heard nothing for weeks, months, years! How long did I have to wait? Because I would have, but I just didn't know if there was something waiting for me."
I saw the thick swallow in his throat, "I couldn't have asked you to do that."
"You didn't have to ask," I wiped at the fresh tears with the back of my hand, "I would have anyway, but you didn't give me a choice. "
"I would do things differently now," he whispered, rubbing small circles to the back of my hand with his thumb.
"But now it's too late."
"It can't be," he shook his head and he grabbed my other hand. "We can still have all the things we wanted, Kim. Do you not remember? The house, the marriage, the two kids! We wanted this… we can still have it, but you just have to give me a chance."
"No… we can't."
"Why not?"
I tried to find every excuse but I didn't know which one to choose. I had moved on, I was finally happy with someone that loved and respected me, I was ready to move forward with my life without him haunting me. But as I looked at him, all I saw was the eighteen year old boy I had been in love with. If he was anything like that old Tommy, he would stop at nothing to get what he wants. The only way to get through to him was to hurt him. Hurt him like he hurt me.
"Because I want that with someone else now."
He stared at me for a moment too long, his breathing growing deeper and deeper.
"Don't say that. It can't be too late."
"Too late? We're past too late," I sniffled, "Too late was six years ago when I finally found some self respect and stopped waiting for you, it was when I finally changed my phone number because I knew you were never going to call, and it was when I realized that you didn't deserve me."
"I never deserved you. Never. Not when I had you, not when I lost you, and not even now… I know that. But I can't change the way I feel about you… and I don't want to." His right hand reached out to touch my cheek. His touch was warm and I found myself leaning into it.
"You don't know it, but you saved my life," he whispered. "You've led me through war in the pitch of night when I was alone. You've guided me through the desert… and I did it all just to see you. To see the smile that you give to everyone except me. I know I don't deserve it, I know you have something so much better now, but I want you."
My heart was being torn in too many pieces. This is what I wanted from him from the beginning, but I have fallen into a hole and built a new life in it, one that didn't include him.
With all the strength and regret in my soul, I pulled his hand away from my cheek, "I wish I could say the same."
Author note: Hope you enjoyed! More to come soon!