Day 6
I wish things could have always been different.
I look out to the scenic view at the top of the island. The same spot that Tommy had brought me when I agreed on starting up a friendship again. Back when he first brought me here, I was hopeful that things could go back to the way they were. But I left this place knowing that things could never truly be.
Thinking back on it now, I think I always knew things would end up here. It's always just been me and Tommy, anything other than that has been a lie that I have made for myself.
We're sitting on some grass off to the side of the hidden trail, the guilt inside of me eating me alive. The beauty of this place still resonates, but I can see some dark clouds in the distance rolling in.
"Tell me a little bit about her," I say and Tommy's brows come together.
We haven't spoken about the future. What we will say to Giselle or Cole. How we're going to handle this moving forward.
I haven't really thought about what I was going to say. How do I end things with a man that I still have feelings for? They aren't romantic feelings, though. I love Cole, but I'm not in love with him, not like how I am with Tommy.
He pauses for a moment as he looked into the horizon. His face was mixed into an expression I couldn't read.
"Well," he releases a breath, "I told you she's the sister of one of my buddies I lost. She's twenty-six, so she's a bit younger than us… she's… nice."
I give him a small smile, "She must be important to you… if you've been with her for this long."
He grabs a small rock below him and he chucks it over the hillside. "I guess," he sighs. "I don't even know how we started dating, but it just kind of happened naturally. She grew up in the military life like I did, so she understands in some sense of what I was going through."
I nod. Tommy had told me as a teenager how hard it had been for him to make friends. He moved around a lot because his dad had been in the Army. It must have been tough to never set roots in one place. That was until he finally made it to Angel Grove.
"I saw her a few times because her brother and I grew close. Whenever we were on pre-deployment leave, I would go with him to Chicago to visit his family. She was always just his kid sister. Then we lost him and when I saw her again… I don't know, she was just grown up."
I nod again, absorbing this information.
"She's great… I…I do care about her," he runs a hand through his hair and I sense a small tinge of regret that pangs at my heart.
"And you?" He changes the subject quickly, "How did things with Cole happen?"
"Um…It was kind of sudden," I think back on it, "He just showed up in the office one day and charmed me right out of my fit. He just has a way of making me smile. There are times when I think that I don't deserve him… now I know I never deserved him. He sure as hell didn't deserve what I did."
We let a silence go by. It was like the magic from this morning had disappeared and we were beginning to realize the severity of our actions. I don't regret Tommy, I don't regret my decision to be with him last night or this morning, but I wish it didn't have to come at the cost of hurting Cole, who didn't deserve to be betrayed like this.
The time is ticking to call him. I don't know how many times I've thought about what he was doing right at the moment. I'm sure he's sleeping away in that king-size bed of his, the same one where we laughed and talked about how fun it would be once we both shared the space, where we confessed how nice it would be once we could go to bed every single night together.
The only way to get rid of this sour taste in my mouth is to come clean to Cole, to tell him what happened and end things the way that they should. Doing this over the phone is never how I planned or wanted to do this, but I can't wait until he was here, that would be worse. And I don't exactly know how he would react.
"Are you okay?" Tommy says, breaking me from my thoughts.
"No," I swallow. "There's something that I have to do."
He nods, understanding what I mean.
"We're gonna be okay. You know that, right? It's you and me," He smiles and my heart melts.
"It's you and me," I repeat.
Even if Tommy had decided to wake up in the morning and regret every decision that he had made leading up to it, I wouldn't have gone back. I wouldn't have been able to keep things with Cole and pretend that nothing happened. It was over.
My life has been full of decisions and I stand by all of them, both good and bad. They made me who I am today, but I came to realize that loving Tommy has never been one of them. It has never been something that I've had control over. If I did, I wouldn't have put myself through the hell that I did. I would have loved Cole and seeing Tommy wouldn't have done a thing for me, but that wasn't my decision.
Loving Tommy isn't a choice, it's a part of me.
We decided to head back to the hotel room to deal with our actions like adults.
We didn't talk all the way up there, each of us too consumed in our own thoughts. I know things will be different once we speak to Cole and Giselle.
He walks me to my room and gives me a tender kiss on my lips.
"One hour, okay," he whispers. We didn't need to say more. It was almost like we were slowly becoming in tune with each other again. I could read his thoughts and he could read mine.
One hour. One hour to break his heart. One hour to pull yourself together. One hour to decide if this is what you really want because once that hour was up, we were going to go downstairs and make our new relationship known.
Was it fast? Yes. Could something go wrong? Absolutely. But Tommy is the risk, he is the leap untaken and I am ready to jump.
I stare at the phone in my hands for two solid minutes, thinking back on the laughs that I've had with Cole. No one ever wants to do this. No one ever wants to end a relationship and break someone's heart. This isn't easy. This isn't fun. There is no prize at the end.
With a deep exhale, I scroll through my contacts and come across his name. I press it and pray he doesn't answer.
I don't have that kind of luck.
"Good morning, gorgeous," Cole says, and I can hear the tiredness in his voice.
I open my mouth to say something but nothing come's out. My words are blocked by the knot forming in my throat.
I tried swallowing it but it doesn't budge. All I can give him is my painful silence.
"Hello?" Cole says. "Kim?"
Fucking hell, say something!
"Hi," I croak.
In the time we have been together, Cole has learned so much about me. He knows my simple mannerisms, my quirks when I'm fidgeting, the tone of my voice when I'm upset, my breathing when I'm anxious. So I know that he knows something is wrong when I don't immediately respond.
"Baby, are you okay?"
Fuck, don't call me that.
I close my eyes to hold the tears in but they flood out.
"Cole," I whimper, "I'm so sorry."
Those are the only words that come to mind. I need to apologize, I need to tell him how badly my heart hurts for him because it's the truth. I'm sorry for what I'm about to say because it's going to destroy every memory that you have of me. But I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry that I did what I did because I will never be sorry about that. I can't. I won't allow myself to feel it.
"What's wrong?" I hear him jump out of bed and begin to ruffle with something. "I'm hopping on the first flight out of here and getting to you."
"No," I shake my head, the tears continuing, "I haven't been completely honest with you."
"About what?"
"About my past."
He goes silent for a minute and I can feel the questions building up inside of him, "Kim, your past is your past. Whatever it is we can get through this together."
I still hear the sound of something shifting on his end of the phone and I'm panicking thinking that he's packing up for something that isn't waiting for him.
"Cole, please stop what you're doing and sit down."
"No," He says, defiantly, "You're upset and all I want to do is be with you and take away anything that is doing this to you."
There's someone else. I swallow my words, feeling them burn my throat. I can't say it like that.
"Will you please listen to me?" My voice cracks and the noise in the background stops. I've cried only a handful of times with Cole. There has never really been a reason when all he does is try to make me happy.
"I haven't been honest with you about someone from my past," I sniffle.
The silence as he listened on was painfully loud.
"I never talked about him because… because it hurt me too much to think about him. He left… me… to go to the military. We were so young. I thought I had forgotten all about him. I thought I had moved on from him… but…"
I didn't say more because I knew that he knew what I was trying to say. He could fill in the missing pieces.
"He's there, isn't he?" Cole's voice is low.
"Yes," I nod and I feel the build-up of tears once more.
"Who is he?"
My mouth goes dry. I've never spoken his name to Cole before. "His name is Tommy."
I wait for him to say something but all I hear is his sigh. "Of course… Jason's friend that is never around but is somehow always mentioned whenever you're not in the room," He whispers like it was all coming to him.
I let him come to the painful realization as my muffled sniffles flow out of me.
Cole didn't immediately respond to my tears, but I could hear his heart breaking thousands of miles away. "Please tell me you didn't."
I cry because I don't know what else to do. My tears are his answer.
As much as I wanted to not hurt him, it was inevitable. If I could take his pain away, I would. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve any of it and I hate that I'm the one causing it. Cole is a great man. One that deserves a woman that will be faithful to him through anything. If I had never met Tommy, I know that Cole would be the man that I would spend the rest of my life with, but the sad truth is that I did meet Tommy. I loved him first and I will continue to love him until my last breath.
"Can you say something," His tone is hard. "I feel like you at least owe me a real explanation."
"I know," I whisper, "I want to tell you everything, I want to explain what happened, but I can't."
"What the hell do you mean you can't? You can tell me what happened. You can tell me the truth. How can you go from loving me to being with him in a matter of days?"
"Because it's always been him," the words float out of me. "I've never stopped loving him. I've only fooled myself into believing that I had."
"And you fooled me into believing that you love me," I can hear his breathing picking up, "We're all just a bunch of fools in your life."
"I do love you—"
"You can keep your love," he scoffs, "I don't want it. If being loved by you leads to this then I feel sorry for the next guy."
My heart is pulverized by his words. I knew I would feel awful. I deserve it, but this just hurts. Simply put.
"I never wanted to hurt you."
It was the truth but I also didn't want to stop my actions. I wanted Tommy more than my next breath. I wanted Tommy more than I wanted to not hurt Cole. It's always him. He wins any battle in my heart.
"You didn't think about that when you were with him, though, did you? Because if you had then you wouldn't have gone through with it. It never would have crossed your mind," He swallows, "And to think that wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't even know you."
I sucked in a breath and then brushed the tears from my eyes, "I'm sorry."
I can say it a million times but I know it won't lessen the hurt.
"So you're with him now? Are you coming to rub it in my face that he can make you feel something I never could?"
"I don't know," I whisper. And the truth is that I don't know. I don't know how things will go with Tommy and his conversation with Giselle. What if he decides it was a bad idea and things were better with her? "He has a girlfriend."
He lets out a puff of air, almost like a chuckle in disbelief, "Wow… You two are one and the same. I guess you two do deserve each other."
His words are coming from a place of hurt, so I try to not let them hurt me.
I wish more than anything for this to be different. I want for Tommy and I to have gone through the motions the right way but that wasn't in the cards for us.
This Cole… this hurt Cole isn't the one that I know. It wasn't the one that I loved. He's in there somewhere and all I can do is hope that I haven't messed him up enough for him to find his true happiness.
"Are you going to be alright?" I say after a moment. "I know I don't deserve to ask you, but I just want to make sure that you're going to be okay. I need to know that you're going to be okay."
His silence hurts me to my core. I'll remember him how I left him. Happy. Cheerful. Laughing. Not how he is now. Not how he is after I broke him.
"Honestly? It's killing me to know that you were with him… like that," He clears his throat, "but I'll be fine. I have to be."
I stare at a spot on the wall, listening to him breathing. I know this isn't the last time we'll see each other. I mean, we work together, but this will be the last time that we'll be like this. It's not us against the world anymore. There's him and now there's me.
"I'm sorry," I tell him sincerely. I want him to believe me. I want him to know how much my heart hurts for him.
"I'm sorry too," He replies and the line goes dead.
My eyes close one final time as I let the last of my tears fall.
It's our goodbye.
After taking a few moments to collect myself, I take a look at the clock near my bed. It's almost been one full hour. I'm not sure if one hour is enough time to rid myself of the hurt but I know that I need to make my way downstairs.
I hope that Tommy had had a better experience than I did, but I mean, how much better can it really get? The situation sucks any way that you spin it. I've shed my tears. I've made my peace. I've said goodbye to an amazing man that I hope finds unrelenting love. It's my time to go downstairs and face the unknown. To start over with something new that isn't guaranteed.
I don't know how things with Tommy will go. I know how I want them to, but I can't really say. He's still leaving. He's going to be gone for another couple of months, leaving me behind to pick up the pieces. Don't know what to expect. The uncertainty is what's driving me crazy.
As I make my way downstairs, I can hear my friends in the lobby. I can't miss Zack's loud voice or Rocky's exaggerated laugh. Somehow that's all I need to feel alive again.
I turn just in time to see everyone there. It was like my first day here. They were all by our usual table. Trini and Aisha snickering to themselves, Rocky and Jason chugging a beer, Zack flirting with the waitress… but the smile that was slowly creeping up my face falls when I see Tommy… because he wasn't alone. He wasn't waiting for me. He was sitting down, staring at nothing, and there was a beautiful woman with her head on his shoulder.
Our eyes met and I could read his desperation. It was her. She was here.
Giselle. The island paled in comparison to her beauty.
Her chocolate hair flowed like a river, her high cheekbones were accentuated by her flawlessly bronze skin, and her left hand held a diamond on her ring finger.
My heart shriveled inside of me and I felt Karma's sweet revenge coming to say hello.
What have I done?
Author note: I apologize for the long wait. Hope you enjoy. Also, just for my own personal research, what do you guys read FF on? On the computer? Mobile webpage? App? Just curious. See you next time.