I thought of this concept while rewatching Itachi and Kisame's appearance in Konoha, so I decided to give it a try!

It's my first Naruto fic, but I might write some more in the future since this one was pretty fun.

Itachi strolled up to the guard, activating his Sharingan and snaring him in his sleep genjutsu.

God he loved his eyes.

Sure, he was about 8 more Amaterasus away from permanent blindness, but he could find solace in the fact that even without the Mangekyou it was broken as shit.

Enhanced perception? Natural genjusu talent? The ability to copy any Jutsu?

It was a wonder why the Uchiha didn't rise up and take over the village…

Oh wait - he knew why.

He killed them for being foolish enough to try to rise up and take over the village.

They had the most busted Dojutsu in the Shinobi world, sure, but they were also incredibly short sighted, as ironic as the phrase was.

They looked over one key factor when wanting to enact their coup d'etat:

There was a Senju alive.

Sure, Tsunade wasn't as broken as Hash…

Hahshshs…

Hashirroooor…

"Itachi, you're shaking."

The Uchiha broke out of his Senju-induced fit.

"Thank you, Kisame."

God - he couldn't even say Lord First's name without his spine rattling in his back.

But the point still stood. Tsunade wasn't as overpowered as that man, but as shown by Lord Second, the Senju could kick their asses even without that fancy Wood-Style Kekkei Genkai.

Tobirama was honestly pretty normal if it wasn't for the fact that he honed himself and managed to develop an outrageous amount of Jutsu just to counter the Uchiha.

Flying Thunder God? Enhanced perception is useless when the user can literally teleport.

Bringer of Darkness Jutsu? The sharingan can't do shit if you can't see.

Absurdly powerful water affinity? That threw all of the famed Uchiha Fire-Style Jutsu out of the window.

Then there was that goddamn Shadow Clone Jutsu.

That wasn't even meant to specifically counter the Uchiha - it was just a monstrously powerful technique. Fancy eye magic isn't too useful when you're getting jumped by a shit ton of people.

…Come to think of it, he heard a rumour that the nine-tails holder was proficient in the technique.

Then again, the rumour also stated the brat could make hundreds of them, so he chose to blissfully ignore it on the basis that it was impossible.

Entering a stall, the Akatsuki duo ordered some drinks and took a seat at a table.

"Hey, isn't your brother still lounging around the village?"

"We need not worry about him."

Mainly because Sasuke was a foolish little bitch.

Apparently the kid was still a Genin, despite having Uchiha blood running through his veins.

Was he mentally challenged? Did the Tsukuyomi screw up his head a little too much? That had to be the only explanation why the boy wasn't a Jonin already.

Itachi was S rank at his age, and he didn't have much driving him to get stronger. Meanwhile, he gave Sasuke the perfect reason to crave power, yet the little shit still hadn't hit Chunin.

If he didn't step up his act, Itachi was seriously considering actually taking his eyes for the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan.

"Oh, well your mini-me is standing outside the shop with 3 Jonin." Kisame nonchalantly stated as he drank his tea.

"Oh." Itachi turned, catching a glimpse of the group.

Asuma Sarutobi, Kakashi Hatake, and…

Holy fucking shit.

Was that woman an Uchiha?

No, it couldn't be. He was Itachi fucking Uchiha. There was no way in hell he missed one of his clan members.

Her eyes didn't have any tomoe, so it was likely just her natural colour, much like Lord Second's.

…

Hold on.

Was there a chance she was a Senju?

That had to be impossible, right?

The only living Senju was Tsunade, and she was notoriously infamous for letting nobody in her pants. The only man that was still even pursuing her was Jiraiya, and there was no way she'd ever cave in and hand herself over. If his memories of ANBU rumours served him correctly, she even once stated she'd sooner sleep with that pedophile Orochimaru before touching the white-haired sage.

There was also no chance that Orochimaru went in to pipe Tsunade. The man tried taking Itachi's body at the age of 13, so he very much doubted the woman fit into his abnormal sexual preferences.

That meant this dark-haired, red-eyed woman had to be a random shinobi with no affiliation to a major clan.

"Kisame, we're getting the fuck out of here."

That didn't mean he was going to stick around to find out if she could whip out some Senju magic.

As it turned out, fate didn't want to follow his plan.

"Hold it, both of you."

The pair of Akatsuki stopped in their tracks as the two Jonin appeared before them.

"Asuma Sarutobi. I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you, but I'd be lying." Itachi replied cooly.

"You know this guy?" Kisame inquired.

"Yes - son of Lord Third and a former member of the 12 Guardian Ninja." He explained, before pointing towards the female Jonin. "Though I have no clue who this is meant to be."

"Oh, I know!" Kisame clicked his fingers. "You're Anko Mitarashi, right?"

"No." The woman replied frustratedly.

Itachi decided to try his luck at the guessing game.

"Yugao-senpai?"

"Fuck you."

"You gotta be Might Guy." Kisame attempted. "I've heard rumours that this 'Guy' has terrible dress sense and is built like a bull, so it has to be you."

"You fishy motherfu—"

"Now, now Kurenai, let's not get too pissy at the rogue ninja." A voice called out, with Kakashi appearing not too soon after. "Yo, Itachi. Been a while, hasn't it?"

"Kakashi Hatake." Itachi greeted in return.

"Wait, this is Kakashi the copy ninja?"

Itachi felt like pointing out that any Uchiha could be called the copy ninja, but considering only 3 were currently alive he supposed Kakashi could keep his monopoly on the moniker.

"So you recognise him and Asuma before me?" The woman now introduced as Kurenai huffed. "What kind of bullshit is this?"

"To be fair, Kakashi and I are both guys, so it's not too surprising."

"…what's that supposed to mean?"

Itachi wasn't too experienced with women, but even he was smart enough to stay out of whatever hell Asuma was going to endure.

Apparently, Kakashi was either a fool or had balls of chakra metal considering he actually spoke up while Asuma was stuttering his way through a response.

"What Asuma means to say is that there aren't as many S-Rank women as men, so most ninja choose to keep up to date with male A-Ranks out of fear that they'll grow stronger." He explained sagely.

"I…suppose you're right." Kurenai relented.

"That just means you'll have to show the world what Konoha's Wood-Style mistress can do, eh?" Kakashi nudged her lightly with an elbow.

Itachi couldn't help but respect his former senpai even more. To take the time to motivate a peer when—

Wait a fucking second.

Wood-style?

"Huh? But I'm a Genju—" Kakashi cut her off with a hand to her mouth, though Itachi wouldn't have heard anything she said anyway due to the storm brewing in his mind.

Kakashi said Wood-Style.

This woman had Wood-Style.

What the hell was that beating sound? Was it his heart, or was it the sound of his Sharingan about to explode in his eye sockets?

He heard a bedtime story from his father about how Lord First was able to make the eyes of Uchiha burst in their heads just from the sight of his Jutsu, and in his foolish youth he thought it was bogus.

Now, when actually faced with what was apparently a Wood-Style user, he was beginning to see some truth in that statement.

"Wh—w-w-what's yo—your clan name?" Itachi stammered, his legs practically screaming at him to evacuate.

"Yu—"

"Senju!" Kakashi interrupted her. "This woman's the last remaining user of the wood-style, and a direct descendant of Lord First! Impressive right?" He finished with his classic eye-smile.

"Itachi, your eye is bleeding." Kisame pointed out in concern. "Are you doing okay?"

Itachi raised a hand to his cheek, verifying that his right eye was indeed leaking red liquid.

Holy sage this was bad - his eyes were actually going to explode!

(Had Itachi been paying more attention, he would've realised that his Mangekyou activated in response to his fear and set fire to an overhead bird, which was the real reason behind the bleeding.)

"Anyway, stop shaking dude. There's no way the bitch can actually wood style, even if she was a Senju." His partner reasoned. "It's probably just a bluff to throw us off."

Itachi tried to clutch at whatever nerves he had remaining to recompose himself.

Kisame was right. There was no actual proof Kurenai was even a Senju, let alone a wielder of the lost Kekkei Genkai.

His eyes must've started spontaneously bleeding without reason - there was always a chance that he might've missed that side effect under the Mangekyou's terms and conditions.

"A bluff, huh?" Kakashi challenged, before leaning into Kurenai's ear and whispering something unheard to the others.

"Alright Kurenai, get 'em!" He commanded.

"Uhh, right!" The woman fumbled through a few hand signs, none of which Itachi recognised. "Wood Style: Big…uhh—big fucking forest!"

Much to the Akatsuki's stupor, trees began sprouting out of the ground, with some branches snaking their way towards them.

"Woah, they weren't kidding!" Kisame exclaimed with a grin. "I've never fought a Wood-Style user before, and I ain't gonna miss out on—"

"Tsukuyomi!" Itachi interrupted him, snaring Kisame in his genjutsu and forcing him into a state of unconsciousness before picking him up and bolting out of the village.

He wasn't about to get his eyes melted by Senju magic because of Kisame's fight boner.

There was no way in hell he was ever going to return to Konoha either. He might even need to contact Orochimaru and get him to recruit Sasuke. As evil as Itachi may have seemed, he wasn't ruthless enough to leave his brother in the same village as one of Hashiriririririri—

Goddammit!

"Really Kurenai? 'Big fucking forest'?" Kakashi questioned.

"H-hey! It's not my fault! You should've given me an actual Jutsu name to use!" Kurenai looked to the side, her face crimson from the embarrassment.

"So…does anyone wanna clue me in on when Kurenai learned Wood-Style?" Asuma asked.

"Oh - she didn't." Kakashi simply stated. "Tenzo owed me a favour, so I asked him to help me pull off this plan to get rid of Itachi. Years later and the little shit is still terrified of the Senju." He chuckled, strolling off before looking over his shoulder. "Enjoy sleeping on the sofa Asuma! Kurenai's gonna bust your balls for the shit you said about Kunoichi."

Now all Kakashi had to do was kick back and relax. Even if Itachi went directly after Naruto, he'd likely have a heart attack after seeing the amount of Shadow Clones the brat could produce.

Hope you enjoyed the one-shot!