Steve had been waiting for Bucky to say something, anything, but he remained silent. He thought he had made valid points and his friend should understand and support him. He should want Steve to find happiness. That's not the feeling he was getting from him.
Steve finally cracked. "Surely you can understand my reasoning, right?"
Buck glanced at him, shrugged, and said, "Of course." Then resumed staring at the lake in front of them like he expected the waters to part.
Finally, Steve lost it. "Okay, I'm not sure if you're mad, happy, apathetic, or just bored at this point. I have told you something that is a majorly important decision about my life and you have said two fucking words. Say something goddammit! Anything! String more than two words together."
After a few moments, Bucky looked at him emotionlessly and said, "To the end of the line. Was the end of the line when Thanos snapped his fingers? Or now? I mean, I get it. You have a woman you love in the past, but Steve, that's the past. Peggy lived her life completely and died a natural death. She loved people, accomplished things, and had a family in her time on Earth. It's unfair that you two were never together, I get that. But how many lives do you want to destroy to go back to her? Have you thought about the life she has lived in this reality? Or that while you only loved her… she loved another and you have never implied she was unhappy with him. She was with him for ages, his wife and mother to his children, and she only knew you a couple of years."
Steve glared at him, but Bucky pointed out, "You wanted me to string more than two words together. Don't blame me if you don't like the words I use. It's the truth."
"I cannot believe you are being so selfish," Steve shot back. "I honestly thought as my friend you'd support me."
"Let's talk about your friends, Steve. Wanda had to kill the man she loved, turned to dust, then was resurrected with no one to come back to. Thor is really a mess still. I don't even know what happened with him. Understandable though, since he lost most of his people that didn't come back because they died before the Snap. Clint did some very immoral things during the five years that he now must deal with. Sam, T'Challa, Rhody… everyone is still reeling over what has happened. The world is trying to pick up the pieces and put them back together. And you're just like 'Peace out'. Captain America is abandoning this time period when it's on it's shakiest ground." Suddenly, he stood. "Natasha sacrificed her life to get the soul stone. Tony sacrificed his life to kill Thanos. But I'm selfish for pointing out that you're needed right here, now. And you're leaving on purpose."
The two men just stared at each other for a long time before Steve dropped his head. "I have nothing left to give. I just can't anymore. Five years ago, I lost 'that kid from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight', Bucky. Maybe it is selfish or maybe its just necessary. I need to leave Captain America behind and go back and find Steve Rogers again. And he's in the past," Steve said in a voice of defeat that Bucky didn't know if he'd ever heard before from him. "Take the shield, Buck. You still have that fire in you, I can see it in your eyes even now. You can still tell right from wrong and know when to fight and when to make peace. You can be Captain America."
Bucky thought about his fight to reclaim his identity and felt a bit more generous about Steve's decision, but still shook his head. "I won't sully the name of Captain America. Whether or not I was brainwashed, I was a Hydra assassin. It doesn't matter who's fault it was. I ended lives, some very innocent ones."
"Every soldier ends lives, including some very innocent ones. Do you think all the people we killed in the war deserved death? How many Hydra soldiers were there voluntarily and how many were there because they had no choice? We didn't ask, we just killed. No one comes home from war without blood on their hands," Steve answered. "Take the shield, Bucky."
Bucky looked away for a few minutes, staring into the lake again. Finally, he shook his head. "That 'fire' you see is anger. I'm angry that I lost almost ninety years of my life in a walking coma before I was snapped to dust. I'm angry that my mind is free from brainwashing, but I still can't sort things out enough to know what I am responsible for and what I was the victim of. You have no idea what its like to be a hostage in your own mind. To not be able to stop yourself from doing things you knew were wrong. And I ignorantly thought once I had my mind back, I would be able to just start new."
"I know I don't understand. But I know you. You're too hard-headed to give up on yourself. You'll figure it all out and come back stronger than ever. James Bucky Barnes does not quit," Steve argued.
Before he could ask him once again to take up the mantle, Bucky said, "You're leaving me, the only person who has known me longer than a few years. The one who pulled me back from The Winter Soldier, protected me from Tony and the government at the risk of his own life. The only person who never doubted me, is abandoning me in a world where I don't even know what the next step is. But I do know the next step is not becoming Captain America. Give it to Sam. You've always said he's a better man than most. Don't offer it to me on friendship seniority. That's a shitty gauge. Sam should be your successor, not me."
"Maybe you're right. He's a good man, which is why Erskine chose me. But you're a good man too Buck…"
"The world won't see it that way. Sam came back from overseas a hero. He's always been a hero. I never came back from our war. I went to Hydra. Even if I ever get pardoned, I won't be thought of as a hero. I'll either be a villain or a victim. And I'm not sure which I hate worse. You want me to take the shield because I was given the serum but so was Red Skull. It doesn't make either of us a good man."," Bucky said walking away from him a few feet, keeping his back to him because he needed to not look at him to say what he had to say.
"It wasn't your fault. You had no choice. Stop blaming yourself. How many times do I have to remind you?"
"I guess that one final time since you're leaving tomorrow." He didn't even turn around as he said it.
In the time since Germany, this is what their relationship had come to. Steve had been his defender, his cheerleader, never letting Bucky take any responsibility for his actions. It was black or white to Steve. But Bucky could never heal his heart or soul as long as he couldn't face what he'd done without reservation. Steve would never understand that whether he committed those acts under Hydra control or his own, he had to confront them, process them with real feelings instead of the numbness of the Winter Soldier, sort out his feelings, and acknowledge that they happened. It would be cowardly to just say that it wasn't his fault and put Hydra as the scapegoat. They controlled his mind but his hands committed the action and it was something he had to meet head on. Now he had to be brave enough to send Steve on his way to his future, and his past.
"Bucky, take the shield…"
Turning around, he saw Steve looked miserable, so he gave him a smile. "Give the shield to Sam. He'll do you proud and will be popular with the flying villains. I'm not really a red, white, and blue kind of guy, anyway. I prefer to wear black, so I can lurk easier. I hope you and Peggy have the life you're hoping for, the life you deserve, buddy. Who knows? Maybe I'll find a wife too. I'm going back to Brooklyn if I get this pardon. Or maybe I'll go be a farmer in Wakanda." When did he get so good at lying as himself? He thought that was a Winter Soldier trait. Steve grinned and Bucky felt at least it was worth it. His friend deserved happiness, even if he wasn't being honest with him.
They discussed Sam and next steps, then Steve went to meet with some other Avengers. Bucky stared at the lake for a while before he heard a noise behind him. Turning, it did not surprise him to find T'Challa.
"He's leaving?" he asked, but obviously suspected.
"He's leaving." Bucky confirmed.
"You're going to be fine, Bucky. You never give yourself enough credit for having the fortitude to get these things," he said, thoughtfully, as he normally spoke. For someone so young, he had the emotional maturity that exceeded Bucky's one hundred and six years.
"Shuri got me through it. And you," Bucky argued. "But I…"
"We gave you the tools to use. You had the strength to wield them. You've lived, actually lived, so little of your life, and for a few years, you had to fight every day to come back from seventy years of hell. Even before Shuri and I helped you. And you did it without Steve most of the time, too. You lived in hell for more years than most people that were born in your generation lived. So many people wouldn't have been able to get out of bed in the morning after what you lived through. You talk about facing your past honestly. Give yourself some honest credit for what you've managed." T'Challa clasped his shoulder. "Don't make me send Ayo with you for intensive therapy. She went easy on you in Wakanda. You might lose the other arm."
Bucky chuckled. He was glad to have T'Challa to remind him to get real. He didn't look at Bucky in an unrealistic light.
"Are you coming back to Wakanda until you get a pardon? You know you are welcome," Shuri said as she walked up to the two men. "Besides we always need a one-armed, broken, white boy farmer. I'm pretty sure your last workplace was destroyed but we could find you another."
Bucky smirked at her, then grew thoughtful again. "No, I have to be there tomorrow when Steve takes the stones back. Then I have to find someone overseas, I think. I need to tell her about Natasha in person. I owe her that much at least." He turned and gave Shuri a tight hug. "I'll see you soon, I'm sure. Don't change the locks." He and T'Challa embraced, then Bucky started walking away.
Bucky hadn't gone far when he heard from behind him, a solemn voice, "Wakanda forever," and his eyes got misty. He turned and crossed his arms over his chest, then nodded to both of them before he turned and left.