807 Affinity

Everyone gave O'Neill grief, the CIA and the NSA in particular, but it was about time Teal'c got to live a normal Tauri life. It was something Jack had wanted for his friend for years and now he could facilitate it.

Teal'c drove to his new apartment listening to the radio, to Tauri music.

You don't tug on Superman's cape

You don't spit into the wind

You don't pull the mask off that old lone ranger

And you don't mess around with Jim.*

Teal'c parked and turned off the SUV, grabbed his groceries and smiled as he walked to his new place. Ah, he thought, words to live by. But this did not seem to be the everyday Tauri way. He had Tauri friends and had seen a lot of their movies and television. He thought he was ready but he was Jaffa and he would always be true to himself.

He was advised to not draw attention to himself. He was not self aggrandizing but friendly and helpful to those in need. Was he not to be true to himself? The Tauri confused him.

*You Don't Mess Around With Jim by Jim Croce

It was a surprise, a total surprise. She really thought they were still at the getting to know you stage, so the sight of the ring had her at a loss for words. It would be like kicking a puppy to give a blatant 'NO!', so she hedged her bets and let him know she'd have to think about it. He looked so hopeful.

That night Sam woke gasping for breath, her heart thumping in her chest. A dream from so many years ago echoed in her mind.

She could still feel the desperation in the Colonel's voice. "Leave me" he said "I'm dying. Take the supplies and go. Go, go save yourself."

Was that what she was doing with Pete? It had hurt to leave Jack then, and so she returned. There was nowhere else to go. She laid down beside him to possibly die with him. She had nowhere else to go. Is that the only reason why she went back to him? Is that the reason why she kept going back to him? Should she blame it on her job that filled every spare moment of her life or her infatuation with O'Neill?

Sam needed to save herself. Was she looking to Pete to be her life preserver?

The world was telling Sam she had two choices - to be alone or to have the perfect relationship. For her it was impossible. She was at an age where her chance of having a family was slipping away. She was tired of being alone and 'perfection' was beyond her reach. She was left with possibly accepting the 'just alright'. And coming to terms with accepting that was a hard decision to make. The black velvet box was gathering dust in her drawer.

Jack wore many masks, in battle, bravado. Sure occasionally he was scared but showing fear to the enemy or even your fellow soldiers was self defeating. So used to not showing fear or confusion on the battlefield, he got used to showing nothing at all. Some thought he felt nothing.

Unfortunately this bled over to his personal life. All threats were faced as a warrior, a warrior in mind and body. He protected himself, stern faced, with his emotions tucked deep within. Withdrawing emotionally was his default setting. It was the cause of the dissolution of his first marriage.

He was afraid this was destroying his relationship with Carter but it couldn't be helped. They were in an untenable situation.

It was late, very late and the lights were still on in Carter's lab.

The second Jack saw the black velvet box he became a combat soldier about to handle a grenade with the pin pulled. Did he fall on it and take one for the team? Or did he throw it as far as he could and hope not to get fragged. He inspected it, questioning whether it would prove lethal. Yeah this could inflict grave injuries but hopefully not kill him.

He tried to have a perfectly normal life - well normal outside of his work that he couldn't talk about. Outside of work he played cards with the guys, drank beer, ate pizza and watched tv, mowed his lawn. When he had time he took off to Minnesota and his cabin to fish and enjoy the country.

He wondered if it were all a facade. Was it all fake it til you make it? Often he had trouble sleeping. If so, he went to work early. He preferred living alone yet sometimes yearned for a family, a companion, a lover. The one person he wanted he wasn't supposed to want, wasn't supposed to think of her that way. Now she was seriously considering being engaged to another man. He'd get over it - fake it til he made it. Maybe find someone else. Meanwhile he'd work til he dropped so he'd have no energy to wallow in misery. He had a base to run and many fine men and women who depended on him.

Maybe he was just being a selfish bastard trying to hold on to her. He had had a life, had a family, a mate, a child. And he fucked it up royally. She deserved better than him. She deserved to have it all and happiness and fulfillment. He, the general, needed her skills, needed every talent she possessed to win this war. And if he were honest he wanted her - wanted to be her happiness and fulfillment. And he needed to step aside. She was not a woman to possess. Even with these stars on his shoulders he didn't see himself worthy of her, no man was, certainly not the cop. But if that's what she wanted…

Then she asked a loaded question "What if…". Yeah, what if, he thought, sure as shit I wouldn't be looking at another man's ring.

"She was smoke and he was a disintegrating clod of Earth."

Salman Rushdie - Two Years Eight Months and Twenty-Eight Nights

As he walked away down the hall back to his office, with the snap of the velvet box ringing in his ears, Jack felt as though a force field fell between them. And he wasn't sure if he should stand fast. Should he leave her and run? He needed to save himself.

O'Neill hated cliches so he didn't want his life and Carter's to be reduced to a tragic tale of star crossed lovers. Or an equally tragic tale of unrequited love. He had to let go. He thought he had been doing a fairly good job of it - until now.

He had a pain in his chest and wondered if he was having a heart attack. It was like one of Ba'al's knives or his acid burning through him with no hope of an antidote. If he could face reality he'd know he was heartbroken.

Later that week Daniel told Jack of Sam's acceptance of Shanan's proposal. Jack hated the engagement ring although he'd never admit it. He thought the gold band might kill him.

Outwardly Jack took it stoically, the inner turmoil visited him in the night.

Jack dreamt of 1969 that night. They walk through the Stargate and find themselves back at the mountain only the gateroom transforms into a missle silo. The countdown, he hears a countdown. They are about to initiate a test burn which would incinerate all of them. He's frantic, pounding on the door, yelling on the top of his lungs "Abort, abort". He covers Carter's body with his own, still screaming. Then a flash of light and he wakes vibrating with terror, his throat raw.

He didn't think he'd be able to sleep, his nerves jangling, so he got up. He thought about going to his aerie but the sky was completely socked in. He paced around the house and thought - How do you stop caring about somebody? He still cared about Sarah but he was no longer involved in her life. He still cared about Charlie, dead and in his grave these many years. He cared about Sam - it would have to be strictly professional now. It should have been since the day he met her. Nothing was on tv, he didn't want to start drinking so he went back to bed.

He's in Nirriti's little shop of horrors. One of the mutants opens the cell and tells him to hurry, bring the woman. He lifts Carter into his arms and she,dying, looks to him for salvation. He climbs the stairs, almost there, almost there and she dissolves in his arms. He's failed again, he's not fast enough, too late, too damn late, he's lost Carter. His arms are empty, his heart's pounding and Nirriti, or is it Pete, is laughing at him.

He woke again in a state of terror and abject loss. Was he worried about losing her or being a failure? He had thought they had a future and it had dissolved like a dream.

Sam was happy. Daniel was safe, oh and Krista too. And Teal'c was exonerated and it was Pete who facilitated it all. He saved her friend through his expertise as a detective and his bravery in the raid on the rogue NID warehouse. In the elation she said "yes". Finally a successful mission where she could celebrate thoroughly both body and mind. She could celebrate with someone who loved her and showed it, not the remote O'Neill. So "yes" bubbled up.

Daniel helped Teal'c pack up his apartment. He had a lot of books. As Daniel boxed up Homer and Hesiod, two whole series by Bernard Cornwell, and nameless others he asked Teal'c "You buy all these?"

"Many are gifts from O'Neill."

"Really." Daniel said as he picked up the biographies of Sherman and Tecumseh. It made him smile at the pair. "Ya know, sometimes I just don't get him."

Teal'c took the biography of Tecumseh and quoted "Sing your death song and die like a hero going home" and said "This man, I know only from a book, I understand. Yet you do not understand O'Neill?"

"Well not completely." Daniel admitted.

"He is a human."

"Grouchy, impatient, incurious…" Although the last word trailed off as Daniel lifted a series of books of the Greek playwrights."

"You only see the warrior, he is much more." Teal'c realized they were not just talking about the books but Colonel Carter's recent engagement.

"I know, I know…"

"Honorable, self-sacrificing… Do you not think he is intelligent?"

"I forget he's not merely clever but intelligent." Daniel admitted.

"Do you not think he has human feelings? Do you think he is not capable of loving her?"

"If he does, he hides it well."

"He does not easily let his guard down. He does not allow others to see his weakness or vulnerability. In that he is like Colonel Carter."

"Yeah."

"He trusts Colonel Carter but does not wish to burden her ."

"Sometime I'd like to give both of them a good swift kick."

"Indeed."