818 Threads

In Blackwater Woods by Mary Oliver

...

To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it

against your bones knowing

your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it

go,

to let it go.

His phone rang early in the morning, so early it had to be trouble. He had slept with his back to her. Kerry liked his back, broad and straight and strong. She didn't like the clingy smothering types but still…

When she decided to stay over, stay the night, it was not that he invited her. It was more that he acquessed. Perhaps she should rethink this whole budding relationship.

Sam was so embarrassed by Pete's incessant phone call. She was doing her job, doing what was important. And when her dad called her out on it, she realized she was hiding out and they were well aware of it. The Colonel, no, the General telling her to "Go, pick flowers" was humiliating.

Sam was taken aback when Jacob rebuffed Pete's attempt to call him 'Dad'. She realized her dad wasn't impressed with her young man but she hoped they would grow on one another. Who was she kidding, she knew her dad.

She so didn't want to fuss over this upcoming wedding. There were more important things to think about. And she was sent packing to select flowers when the fate of the world, even the galaxy was in the balance.

Was she grabbing on to Pete like a life preserver - the way to a normal life and all it entailed? Did she feel she needed to prove something by going through with it? What did she really want and did it matter who provided it?

Pete wanted to know if she was interested in writing her own vows. It seemed to be a thing many people were doing, he said. Sam had enough on her plate but it caused her to think through what they were embarking upon, think through what the vows she was about to make to this man.

First she would be asked if this was a free choice. Was it a free choice or grasping at her last chance for a normal life?

"Entering into marriage without coercion, freely and wholeheartedly?"

Wholeheartedly - hmmm.

"Forsaking all others"

Had she truly given up on the man she had loved for so many years. It seemed like forever.

She needed to know, she needed to know now, needed to talk honestly with him. And the house, Pete's surprise of the house, somehow made it all too real. Sam needed to know what O'Neill thought and what he felt. Did he still feel anything for her?

Sam sat in the car gathering up her courage, watching the smoke drift over his roof. She had been trying to gather courage for weeks now but circumstances kept getting in the way. It was best to approach him away from the base for so personal a conversation.

She found him on his deck grilling a steak. He seemed surprised to see her and looked wary.

Kerry slid open the door to the deck and saw two people in quicksand and her toes were on the edge of it. She babbled a bit but the only thing that broke the tension was the ring of Colonel Carter's phone.

There seemed to be a problem with her father and Carter extracted her feet from the quicksand and left. But Jack was sinking fast.

Staring at the spot Colonel Carter had recently vacated, he finally said "I've gotta go."

Kerry gave him a questioning look.

"Jacob's important to the program."

But Kerry was a lot more perceptive than that. She simply nodded to Jack's back as he trailed after his Carter. Kerry only had to see them together once. Sure she saw Lt. Col. Carter around the base. She might have even heard some of the scuttlebutt. Maybe there was some truth in it. But the Colonel was engaged to be married, wasn't she? That doesn't mean she wasn't carrying a torch. And what about him? And was she, Kerry, a shield or a buffer between these two?

"She looked in my heart one day

And saw your image there"

William Butler Yeats

O'Neill cranked the engine of the big F-250 super duty and immediately heard Bon Jovi proclaim "Shot through the heart and you're to blame. You give love a bad name." He nearly tore the knob off, turning off the radio. He wasn't sure who was the object of the song, if it were he or Carter, probably both. And anyway wasn't the Tosca CD playing when he drove home.

Kerry talked to Jack, who would now be General O'Neill to her. She gave him some advice and let him go as painlessly as she could and with much affection. Then she needed a quick word with Lt. Colonel Carter.

"I'll admit it was a bit of a seduction on my part and desperation on his. I knew there was possibly someone else. Maybe an ex-wife, there were pictures all over the house of her and the perfect family. He wouldn't talk about them. I knew about his boy. But...it had been so long ago. Then after that botched lunch I realized it was you. Everything is probably still on the table. I wish you both well." Kerry smiled and left.

Sam hadn't said a word and couldn't if she tried.

Jack had come back from talking to Jacob, actually it was Jacob who did most of the talking. Things had gotten so damn complicated he was sure how he'd accomplish Jacob's last wish.

Jack stood in his office. Rejection always hurt but Kerry was right, better now and that was one less complication in his life. Was she right about resigning? Yeah, he still had it bad for Carter but if he resigned for her and she still married the cop...what then?

Right now Sam needed support, everything else could wait.

Her father was dead. A monumental moment in one's life.

In one way our parents are like a shield against death – can't happen to me, I'm too young. Then all of a sudden you're not.

You are now on the front line, that flimsy border between the living and the dead.

Jacob and Selmak stayed together to get the job done, to do their duty. Something her father understood down to his bones. And obviously this thousands of years old symbiote understood that too.

However Sam was sure Jacob didn't let Selmak go because he needed her to solve the puzzle of the Dakara weapon but in fact Jacob didn't let her go because he loved her.

Was it possible outside of a Tok'ra situation to 'get the job done', 'do one's duty' while managing to love until death?

There was only one who could fill that role for Sam.

It certainly wasn't Pete. It was the man who sat with her in her hour of need.

They had come to take her father's body away. His last words to her - he told her that he loved her. Before that he said "You can still have everything you want."

O'Neill came into the room and saw her frozen with more emotion than she could process. He reached out to hold Sam's hand. She clasped her fingers around his. For now this was enough, he had more to think about than his own desires. It was her pain, her needs that came first.

"Way back, years ago, when we were at that reception for the Air Medal...what a disaster that day was." Sam said. That had been a day Jack would have liked to forget. "Dad tried to tell me the same thing. My father was dying of cancer then and he was thinking about me. He wanted to give me my heart's desire." A few tears leaked out.

Jacob had been aware of her dreams and as a loving father he too had dreams for her. It wasn't meant to be controlling but wanted all good things for his beloved daughter.

Jack told her "Jacob always wanted what was best for you, Carter. He loved you."

She smiled.

Whatever path she chose it would be her own. But she would heed good advice.

Pete walked away from the house and his hopes for the future. He had it all planned out - a beautiful bride, children and a dog playing in the yard. It was too good, he should have known. It all fell apart.

But only love can break your heart,

Try to be sure right from the start.

Yes, only love can break your heart

What if your world should fall apart?

Neil Young

Her father had died, she had broken her engagement with Pete and now the world was going to end, literally. The idle thought 'Couldn't this have happened last week' flitted through her mind.

Anubis had taken control of the weapon on Dakara and although they attempted to dial out to the Alpha site they were too late.

O'Neill was terse, no quips, completely serious. He was the General now, fully in command. He was ordering the self-destruction of the base. Jack knew war, knew it first hand. The gods of war demanded blood sacrifices and were endlessly thirsty. Here he was responsible for every one of their lives. When O'Neill commanded SG-1 he was basically responsible for four lives. Now the entire base depended on his decision and it weighed heavily on him. The auto-destruct meant death to all here, death to himself, death to Carter. All in the vain hope to protect Earth.

For months she had felt as though she was rushing headlong into disaster in her personal life and now it was disaster for everyone as the self-destruct counted down. Sam knew the self-destruct wouldn't be enough. The General thought it was throwing yourself on a grenade to save your fellow soldiers. She knew it was like throwing yourself on a million kiloton nuke.

Something intervened. They didn't know what or who, only that they were saved. Jack's money was on Daniel.

When the self-destruct code was rescinded and they could breathe again O'Neill called Carter into his office. He closed the door, his heart still hammering in his chest, and said "C'mere" and gathering her up in his arms, he hugged her tight and long.

A few weeks or so later

Sam was feeling good for a change. Anubis was gone, hopefully this time for good. Daniel was back. Pete was history. Dad had been laid to rest with full military honors which her brother and his family had attended and there was peace among the Carter family.

Sam knew that in times of crisis you shouldn't make life altering decisions. She had been ready to be married and to start a family before her dad died and before the near death of all life in the galaxy. Now that the crises were over Sam was sure she was still ready . But before she had the wrong partner in mind. Now she was thinking clearly and still wanted marriage and a family in her future.

There was a knock on her door and Sam Carter, intrepid traveler of the stars and galactic warrior froze. She was spending the morning divesting her home of all traces of Pete Shanahan. She held a small box of things to mail to him, and a waste basket for the rest. Sam really did not want to see him again,

She made her way to the front door thinking 'Please God, don't let it be Pete'. She didn't think she had the strength to go through all the emotional turmoil again. She'd just shove the box in his hands and lock the door.

And there to her total amazement was General O'Neill. Well if civies counted it was Jack.

"Whatcha doing Carter?"

"I'm a..." She put the box on the floor and kicked it under the table.

"Look I know this is kinda sudden but whatcha say we go to Vegas and get married."

She didn't reply, she just stared at him, her mouth gaping open.

"You know the other day when I said 'always' I meant it."

Totally flummoxed she didn't know how to respond but her brain was running through all the possibilities and complications at light speed. 'This is insane. Not a few days ago we were both in relationships with other people.' she thought.

Jack, seeing the deer in the headlights look in her eyes, was ready to bail.

"Bad idea?" He queried.

But she has no words.

She wanted to, has always wanted to love him.

She has been afraid.

Afraid of her feelings,

Afraid of the consequences,

Afraid of her failures in relationships,

Afraid of using him or failing him,

She has felt like she was using him as a shield.

A shield against being hurt,

A shield professionally, against getting command.

A shield against making life and death decisions.

She has been more comfortable in the world of theoretical science.

She has a fear of being overwhelmed by emotions, of not being in control.

She had come to his house that awful day to see if he still cared about her – to see if she was messing up her life with Pete. What she found rocked her to the core.

After her father's passing Jack had told her about Kerry and her advice. Kerry had known the minute she saw them on his deck that they were fools not to be together.

He had not pursued Sam any further until now. Except for the comforting support of his strong encircling arm and the confusing promise of always.

He had been kind, comforting and supportive all week. He helped with arrangements for her father both with the Tok'ra and here on Earth. Sam had wondered if he still loved her. But isn't that what people who love you do? That didn't exactly answer her question - was it platonic love or was he 'in love' with her?

Sam desperately tried to organize her thoughts but before the words were formed he stopped her.

Jack saw the confusion and whirl of emotions on her face.

He has experienced this too but today he had made the decision to fish or cut bait.

"Let the past be the past." He said "The future, our future is what matters. So Vegas?"

And all the turmoil was suddenly lifted and gone and the future was spread bright and wonderful before her. She smiled for the first time that day and Jack's nervousness melted away.

"Vegas? I don't know?" Her tone was light and playful.

"Marriage is a bit of a crap shoot."

"How about somewhere more serene?"

Jack had the perfect suggestion. "A cabin in the woods near a pond?"

"But I think maybe we should take a little time."

"A few months?" Jack asked tentatively hopin 'a little time' wasn't a 'maybe' or a 'someday'.

"Yes. Meanwhile" she said and smiled as she took his hand and drew him inside "we can get started on getting to know one another better. Careful, don't trip over that." as she further kicked the box out of the way.

"Shouldn't we make plans for the future?"

"Plans? You know what I think about plans." Jack said.

"Usually a plan and a backup and a backup to that."

"Well, that's for a mission."

"What if we wind up on Plan F?" Sam asked.

"Never going to happen."

"But what if…"

"We'll go on to Plan G." Jack said.

"Best laid plans of mice and men?"

"Let's plan not to have any plans."

"But don't we need to do something about chain of command?" Sam saw her future coming together.

"Definitely. Then the wedding in the cabin in the woods near a pond?" He asked.

"That's a plan but yes." She said "Yes, sounds simple and perfect."

"You know I may be simple but I'm not perfect, right?" O'Neill said.

"I'm well aware of that." Sam said.

O'Neill was surprised at her snarky comeback and then he laughed. "I guess I deserved that."

"Well I'm not either." Sam admitted and smiled.

"I know." Jack said with a smile, "You're a wise ass but I love you anyway. It's hard to live with someone who's perfect. Do you think you can live with me, with my imperfections and all my faults?"

"You love me?"

"Always have Carter.

Always will.

Always."