Author's note:
Here's the latest chapter! WARNING: Suicidal and self-harm themes. Read at your own risk.
Enjoy!
"Hey, Brook," Kenji says, walking in through the Monell's front door.
Brooklynn lifts her head from where it was nestled in her arms and knees. "Kenji!" she exclaims with relief.
Her sleep had been interrupted by nightmares of her friends finding out her secrets through Leah. When she would wake up, suicidal thoughts would prey on her fear, and make her feel worse. She tossed and turned in bed all night, hyperventilating from fear and the effort of resisting the urge to kill herself. In the morning, her parents had engagements at work, and Milton had planned to go meet some new friends before school. Brooklynn had been nervous to ask someone to stay home with her, since she didn't trust herself alone. It had caused an argument among her family over who would stay home. Eventually, they decided that her parents' work was important, and Milton would stay behind with her. Brooklynn felt bad about causing an argument—even though all three of them were volunteering to cancel their engagement and stay with her.
Milton seemed on the fence; he did care about Brooklynn and he did want to stay with her, but he also wanted to go meet new people. It didn't help that when she sat down on the couch and curled into a fetal position, she had an anxiety attack and Milton didn't know how to help her. He awkwardly sat next to her and rubbed her back.
While she was grateful for her brother, he wasn't helping. When Kenji heard of the plight, he offered to come over and stay with her.
Milton refrains from glaring at Kenji as he walks in, but the sentiment was still there.
"You can go meet your new friends," Brooklynn says. While she was happy that Milton wanted to stay with her, she didn't want him fighting with Kenji for no reason. And she felt bad about it, but she didn't want to hang out with Milton. Kenji felt more like a brother than Milton ever had, and he knew how to help her better than her biological brother.
Milton was hesitant, but sensing her eagerness to see Kenji, he leaves. Not before giving the boy a death glare, though.
Kenji sits down next to Brooklynn and wraps an arm around her. She curls into him like a little child. "Thank you for coming over… Sorry you had to miss church."
"To be honest, I didn't really want to go," Kenji yawns. "It was mostly to impress Sammy's family."
"Didn't they say to be yourself?" Brooklynn murmurs.
"... Eh?" Kenji blinks in confusion, taking a few seconds to process her sentence. "Oh, yeah… But today's the last day of the trial."
"Well, that's good!" Brooklynn giggles.
"Not with how things went last night," he grumbles.
"Oh?"
"Holly told everyone about me secret…"
"Oh…"
"They got all suspicious, and Abuela told them off and stuff… but I'm still nervous. They're acting suspicious… of me… It's like they're judging my every move. Except for Sandra and Shelby. Mrs. Gutierrez and Abuela have been acting sympathetic, too… Like they know I'm going to fail…"
"You're not going to fail," Brooklynn assures him.
"But they're the perfect family, how can I join them?" Kenji groans. "Well… not perfect, but they're so much better than everyone else I've seen… actually, the others have such good families. They're so lucky."
"Yeah, they really are," Brooklynn nods. "And I can tell you, no family is perfect. On my Youtube channel, I pretended like we were the bees knees. At work, my parents act like we're all perfect and loving. But you guys have seen what we're like. It's an act."
"But the Gutierrez's aren't acting," Kenji argues. "That's just them. Sure, they have their scandals as Abuela told me last night, but they still stick through it! They're all there for each other and protect one another… and right now… they're protecting Sammy from me."
"I think you're overthinking it," Brooklynn smiles. "I'm sure you'll pass with flying colors."
"Those colors will be the blood spraying from my body as they shoot me," Kenji retorts, making her snort with laughter. "How about you? How are you feeling?"
"Uhhh…" Brooklynn sighs. "I'm mostly worried about Leah revealing my secrets and contemplating ending my life cause I'm so over this crap?" "I'm good."
"Soo… you're depressed," Kenji says, smiling dryly. "Cause that's what everyone depressed says."
"But if you're actually feeling fine, you say that, too," Brooklynn points out, smirking.
"Right, but you're pretty much never fine after you've been curled up on the couch having an anxiety attack," he smirks right back.
"Yeah, dealing with the same old crap," she sighs. "Sometimes I just wonder if it's worth dealing with. Like, what's the point of fighting? Is it even worth it…?"
Kenji takes a second to process what she had said. "No, it's not! I mean, it is… wait…" Kenji sighs and sputters. "Wurds… not my thing today."
Brooklynn laughs.
Kenji takes a few seconds to think through a response. "Brook, there's always something worth fighting for. I hope you know that me and the others will always love you and we'll never leave you. If you need a reason to live or be happy, you can think of us. I know you've said that sometimes my antics are the only reason you go on sometimes… or was it me and Sammy being a cute couple…?"
"Both, honestly," she giggles.
"Well if it keeps you happy, I'll be the biggest knucklehead," Kenji grins. "And you can find many reasons to live. I get that it's hard for you right now, and I understand that when your loved ones are being… difficult, it's hard. But we will never leave you, and you can always come to us."
Brooklynn nods, leaning her head on his chest.
"Did that make sense?" Kenji asks. "My brain is at three percent right now."
She laughs. "I totally get that, though. It made sense… I'm tired, too. You wanna just take a nap?"
"Sure, that I can do," he nods. "I'll protect you from nightmares."
Kenji lays down on the couch horizontally up against the cushions, and Brooklynn lays down in front of him, curling up close. The older boy sleepily lays his arm over her and holds her close, cushioning his head with his left hand. Brooklynn nestles her head underneath his chin. "I miss cuddles like this when we were on the island."
"Yeah, but here, we don't have to worry about being eaten if we fall asleep," he mumbles.
"Yeah… but they felt more special on the island…" she murmurs. "Maybe because… they could be your last…"
"Yeah…" he mumbles.
With him holding her close, Brooklynn felt a lot safer and calmer. The thoughts were still there, whispering in her ear, but the anxiety had melted away. But the talk about cuddles made her sad… in a yearning way. She missed her friends, wishing they could stay together forever… never leaving each other's side. At least the wishing distracted her from her self-loathing thoughts…
Brooklynn turns on an instrumental version of her favorite sad songs, and softly sings along, letting out her feelings through music. Under normal circumstances, she wouldn't sing in front of other people, too scared of their opinion. But all her friends thought she had an angelic voice, and she trusted Kenji… plus, by the end of the first song, he was snoring semi-softly. She chose to believe her voice put him to sleep, and it wasn't because he had stayed up all night worrying…
Eventually, Brooklynn sings herself to sleep, and she dozes off. Next thing she knows, her mother is gently shaking her awake. "Hey, do you want lunch?"
Brooklynn blinks her eyes in the bright light. "Yeah," she yawns, stretching as she sits up.
Kenji snorts, his sleep disturbed. "Huh?" he yawns.
"What time is it?" Brooklynn asks, getting up.
"Twelve thirty," her mom answers.
"Oh, church should be over," Kenji says.
"You go ahead and meet up with Sammy," Brooklynn encourages. "You'll do great today."
"You sure? You don't want me to stay with you?"
"Yeah. Milton and I are going to sleepover at Darius and Brandon's house, anyway. We'll leave after lunch."
"Oh, all right. Thanks for the nap."
Brooklynn chuckles and gives him a hug goodbye. "Same."
Kenji heads out of the house and begins to walk to the ranch, as it was about five minutes away from the Monell's. Brooklynn sighs and flops down onto her couch, yawning as she checks her phone. The sickening feeling returns as she finds that Leah had finally texted her back. "Last chance. Choose your path. Apologize, come back to me and leave Yasmina, or disappear off the Internet for good. Remember, your secrets aren't the only ones on the line. I know Yasmina's, too. And you know I have people in many places. You d*** well know, I could find out your other friends' secrets."
Brooklynn leans back against the couch, closing her eyes. She felt like crying. "What do I do?! I can't tell anyone, cause then they'll want to know what Leah is threatening me with! But I can't just stand up to Leah now… I can't do that to Yaz! It's horrible enough that she's threatening me, but now Yaz?! Yasmina has been so nice to me… she's my older sister… I can't repay her by allowing her secrets to be on display! The only thing I can do is disappear off the Internet… which might not be too bad… Craving the Internet's attention left me on a downward spiral, so it might not be a bad thing…"
"But what if my friends leave me?!" the voice wails. "My family won't be there for me. Who will! If I leave the Internet, no one will care for me! Plus, how can I be so sure that Leah won't just reveal everything, anyway? I should just end everything right now… Then Leah won't have anyone to threaten… she can't threaten Yaz, that's for sure. She'll end up at the bottom of a lake…"
"But then I've hurt my friends… they'll be so sad…" Brooklynn counters.
"They'd be better off without me…" the voice hisses. "Yaz wouldn't have had to run into Leah… There's so many things that would be better if I had never met all my friends…"
"Brooklynn, do you want to help me make lunch?" her mother asks from the kitchen.
"I don't want to do anything," she thinks in her head. Instead of saying that, she sighs. "Yeah, I'll help."
"Do you want to cut up the onions and peppers for the omelets?" her mother asks.
"Yeah, I can do that," she nods. She chuckles sadly in her head. "At least the onions give me an excuse to cry."
As she cuts up the onions, the war rages on in her head. Leave the Internet? Or leave life in general? She wished she could say that giving up on life was never an option, but with the world as it was, sometimes it felt like the only sane option.
Brooklynn is so caught up in her thoughts, she isn't paying attention to her task at hand. "Ouch!" she yelps, pulling her hand back. With her absentmindedness, she had accidentally cut her finger with the knife. The cut starts bleeding.
"Run it under the sink," her mother says, turning her attention away from the eggs. "You don't want onion juice in it."
Brooklynn does as she is told. The pain of the cut—however slight—took her focus off of her mental state and Leah's threats. It almost silences the thoughts… almost. Immediately, another negative voice jumps on it. "What if I cut myself again? The pain will go away…"
"No, no, no! I'm not going down that route again!" Brooklynn argues with herself, fighting back against the urge to cut herself again.
"Does it hurt?" her mother asks, helping her bandage it up.
Brooklynn bites her lip. "No," she lies. It wasn't the physical pain that bothered her… more of the urge to make it hurt more that bothered her.
"It'll take away the pain of depression and suicidal thoughts," the voice insists. "I've done it before. I'm happier… I feel better… Come on, just one more cut, it won't be that bad…"
Brooklynn feels like she's on the verge of another panic attack when her mother asks her something. "What?"
"Is Leah bothering you anymore?" her mother repeats.
Brooklynn tenses up. "Uh, a bit…"
"Yeah?" her mother asks. "Is she still insisting that you and Yasmina attacked her?"
"Yeah… although, yesterday, she came out with a video saying that I never attacked her," Brooklynn bites her lip. "She said that people misunderstood her in the original video. She claims that only Yaz physically attacked her, and I never did that. I rewatched it… She never explicitly said I attacked her physically, but it was implied…"
"Hmm, that's odd," her mother says nonchalantly, bandaging up Brooklynn's finger.
Brooklynn narrows her eyes. "What do you know?"
"Well, when Milton showed us the video where she claimed you and Yasmina attacked her, we contacted you and Yasmina's sponsors," Mrs. Monell explains. "Claiming that you two physically attacked her is libel and defamation. Unfortunately, Jurassic World is dying between Masrani's death and the incident, they'd rather not do anything serious until absolutely necessary."
"So, I'm not necessary?" Brooklynn asks, her lower lip wavering.
"No, that's not it at all," her mother says, putting her arm around her shoulder and kissing her forehead. "They're struggling to stay afloat and would rather suing be the last option after everything else has been exhausted. Plus, with you and Yasmina being close to public figures, the situation might not even qualify as libel and we might not be able to sue."
Brooklynn sighs, the news weighing heavily on her heart.
"But, that doesn't mean things won't get better," her mother continues. "Your father, the Fadoula's and I contacted Leah's parents and explained the situation. They're giving Leah three weeks to come out with the truth and apologize publicly to you."
"Wait… what?" Brooklynn says quietly. "Her parents… believed us?"
"Well, apparently they were already reprimanding her for… things," Mrs. Monell says vaguely. "She was already getting in trouble for trying to impress people on Youtube, and they were starting to see signs of bullying other Youtubers. This was the last straw. She's fifteen, and wants to be older than she is. But she doesn't want the responsibility. They're giving her the chance to be responsible, own up to her actions, and make things right. If she doesn't, well, they'll step in."
Brooklynn is shocked. "Woah… honestly… I thought her parents wouldn't do anything. You know, 'My little angel couldn't do anything like that! Your daughter must be lying!'"
Her mother chuckles. "Yes, there are certainly those parents. But remember, they've already seen what Leah did to Yasmina years ago. And they had to have seen some of the things she was posting and doing on Youtube. She couldn't have been that sneaky."
"You'd be surprised," Brooklynn thinks to herself, remembering the amount of things she got away with when her parents weren't paying attention. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?" "A.K.A. WHY WAS I ALLOWED TO PANIC FOR DAYS?!"
"We had trouble finding a way to contact them and communicate all that Leah was lying about," her mother explains, turning her attention back to the eggs. "We were waiting until we could give you a definitive answer."
Brooklynn is close to tears. "I thought I was alone in dealing with Leah…" she thinks in her head, relieved that she was wrong. "She's paying for her actions…"
"She still knows your secret…" the voice hisses.
"Things never get better…" another bemoans.
"If I clean the knife…" yet another starts.
"Darn these onions," Brooklynn sputters, wiping away tears, laughing bitterly.
"Is something else bothering you?" her mother asks in concern.
Brooklynn is embarrassed by her self-harming thoughts. "Yeah, these onions," she chuckles, trying to brush it off.
Her mother purses her lips. "Yeah, contacts help."
"And having a blind eye probably doesn't," Brooklynn jokes, deflecting from the war going on inside her.
"If you're going to school tomorrow, are you going to shower?" Shelby asks. "Cause you still stink!"
"Naw, I still hate going under the water," Sammy shakes her head. "Even if it's a shower."
"A washcloth works," Miriam suggests.
"Or baby wipes," Holly adds, making Shelby laugh.
"That probably doesn't work as well," Sammy sighs. She sighs even louder. "I guess I'd have to take a shower then. Don't want to smell like a farm on my first day back at school."
"I can't think of any other suggestions," Abuela says.
"You could… go into the yard and get hosed down like a dog?" Kenji hesitantly suggests. He immediately cringes. "BRUH! YOU JUST CALLED HER A DOG!"
Mr. Gutierrez and the uncles give him a thoughtful, judging look before continuing the conversation.
Kenji gulps and looks at the kitchen clock. "Seven thirty…" he thinks. "The day's almost done. They've silently judged me all day… What's the verdict? When is he going to tell me yay or nay?! Can we just get this over with?!"
Thirty minutes later, Kenji feels like he will go mad. The anticipation was driving him insane, and the silent, judgemental stares he was getting weren't helping. "Just tell me whether or not I'm in! Am I worthy or not?!" he shouts in his head.
He goes over everything he had done that day and everything that they might put against him. He critiques everything he's done, even the small, miniscule things. His mind is in a constant battle between losing hope and arguing that he still had a chance… The Gutierrez faces didn't give him much hope, though… even Abuela seemed to be hesitant to give him encouragement. "Have my past mistakes made her less certain that I'll join the family? Am I going to get kicked out? Never be able to see Sammy again?!"
Another thought enters after another round of judgmental stares. "Am I unworthy of Sammy's love?"
He wasn't afraid of living without her and never seeing her again—although he would be quite sad about it. His greatest fear that had started on the island was coming back: what if he hurt Sammy? "What if they're right to distrust me?" he asks himself. "What if I haven't changed? What if I end up hurting Sammy? What if I manipulate her and hurt her emotionally? What if I take advantage of her and traumatize her further?"
Scenarios of him hurting Sammy out of selfishness and narcissism begins to plague his mind, making him feel sick to his stomach on top of the feeling of failure. "If this goes on longer, I might throw up…"
A few minutes past eight o'clock, a car pulls up to the ranch. "That's my Dad," Kenji mumbles as he looks out the door. Were they kicking him out? Was this the end?! Was he heading home, never to see Sammy again?
Mr. Gutierrez sighs heavily and stands up. Kenji knew this was the verdict. "Aight, I've made my final decision."
Behind him in her wheelchair, Sammy buries her face in her hands, almost unnoticeably shaking. What little confidence that Kenji had cracked and crumbled at her reaction. "There's no way that I can ever hope of joining this family," Kenji despairingly thinks. It takes all his effort to not turn tail and run as Mr. Gutierrez approaches him, opens the door, and gestures for him to walk out. Kenji does, and turns to face him on the porch. The uncles and older sisters give Kenji a distrustful glare, and he just knows that he has no chance of winning Sammy's heart.
"Welp, it's been less than a week of testing you out, and the decision is clear," Mr. Gutierrez sighs, leaning on the door frame. "You seem like a good kid, Kenji. You seem nice and laid back. My younger four daughters enjoy your company and you seem to meld well with my brothers."
Kenji nods, hardly able to take in his compliments. "You don't trust me. You don't like me. I'm not good enough for Sammy. I'm a danger to her…"
"But your past makes me question you," Mr. Gutierrez says. "I'm doubtful of how you will treat my daughter when we're not around. When you're safe and don't need her for survival. I don't trust you."
Kenji can't meet Mr. Gutierrez's eyes; he can barely keep his head up out of shame. He can feel his heart slowly, agonizingly breaking into a thousand hopeless pieces. "I'm doubtful of how you will treat my daughter when we're not around," Mr. Gutierrez's words echo around in his head.
"I don't trust you, and I don't want you to marry my daughter," Mr. Gutierrez states. "I don't even really want you with my daughter as a friend. Who knows what you can influence her with? For the good of my daughter, I wish you would stay away."
Kenji closes his eyes, feeling sick.
The man sighs. "But, ultimately, it's Sammy's choice. She's the one who would have to live with you. And she loves you. I don't trust you with my daughter and I don't want you around, but if she wants to fall in love with you, I won't stop you or Sammy. I just won't give you my blessing or my trust."
"And we'll all end up saying, 'I told you so,'" Holly pipes up from her spot next to Sammy.
Kenji glances at her. Sammy barely lifts her head and peeks at him through her fingers. He could see tears in her eyes, and he knew it. There was no chance that her father would ever change his mind.
His past mistakes had defined him.
"What's Mass going to be like?" Yasmina asks nervously, hissing at Ben in the back seat. Due to it being Sunday, the Pincus's were going to their church for Mass. Naturally, Yasmina was obligated to come along; not for religious purposes, but because she had separation anxiety and the Pincus's weren't about to leave her alone.
Now, she was forced to meet three fears: religion, people, and noises. Church of any kind made her nervous. The idea of being in a church surrounded by religious people—who may or may not try to make her convert, in her mind—was not something that sat well with her. "Shouldn't have read about cults last night," she mutters to herself. This was also a social gathering of new people she didn't know. Not to mention, people who believed differently than her. Her social anxiety told her her odds were not in her favor.
Another fear she had was having her sound sensitivity triggered at Mass. In other social events, there was always at least one person who brought food or chewed gum, and they were almost always behind her. She had come to carry around headphones and ear plugs to cope. "Are there rules?" she asks Ben.
"Well, you want to dress your best and be polite," Ben shrugs. "And you can't bring in food or anything like that."
"What about gum?" Yasmina asks.
"No, that's disrespectful," Ben says.
She sighs. "Well, that cuts out most sounds…" she mutters.
"You can sing along with the hymns if you want to," Ben says. "You can't partake in Communion, though, cause you're not Catholic."
"Fine by me," she smirks.
The four arrive and enter the church. Ben had told her that they should be respectfully quiet as they entered and passed by certain things. "I was planning on being quiet anyway," Yasmina snarkily replies in her head.
Mass passes and confuses the heck out of Yasmina. The hymns were strange to her. And the switching between standing, sitting, and kneeling was the most confusing thing to her. Just when she got comfortable in this uncomfortable social event, they moved again! The Exchange of Peace handshake outright freaked her out. Instead of giving the others a polite smile like Ben had gently instructed, her social anxiety kicked in and she stared at them as if they had two heads. Communion was a nightmare; she sat down on the floor between her seat and the pew in front of her so that others couldn't see her. "Why did I come here?" she asks glumly, climbing back into her seat as Ben and his parents come back.
Once she got past the oddities—ritualistic in her mind—it was… okay… The priest read a couple passages from the Bible. She didn't understand anything they were saying, but it intrigued her. The stories they read, however strange, caught her attention. "Wouldn't be the weirdest thing I've heard," she muses, thinking back to the… odd… things she had researched and read about. "I should ask Ben later what they were saying and maybe find a more comprehensive version of the story."
"Nah, then he'd think I'm interested in his religion," she disregards that last thought.
To her relief, Mass ends and Yasmina thinks that they will head home. They got to the parking lot before Ben's parents stopped to talk to some friends, trapping her by Ben's side until they could head to the car. "Come on," she groans, resting her head on his shoulder. "Let's go."
"Hey, this is my second Mass since I've gotten back," Ben says. "All my family friends want to see me and talk to me."
"No," Yasmina groans, somewhat whiny.
Unfortunately, there was no getting out of it. To her horror, Ben's grandparents were there… the particularly traumatizing ones. "Benjamin!" Nonna exclaims, pulling her grandson into a hug. "And Jasmina! Ah," she moves to hug the athlete, but pulls back just in time, "you don't like hugs, right?"
Yasmina forces a small smile, glancing at Ben out of the corner of her eye. "Just ignore that I'm here," she thinks.
"I didn't know you were Catholic," Ben's grandfather says.
"I was forced here against my will," Yasmina says quickly.
"She's dramatic," Ben's mother laughs.
"So, are you a Christian?" one of their family friends asks. "Or an Atheist? Or Muslim?"
"I'm confused," Yasmina answers, before realizing how that sounds. "I-I mean Atheist…"
"Well, you can always ask questions if you'd like," the woman smiles. "I'm Cara, by the way."
Yasmina stares at her outstretched hand, refusing to shake it.
"Okay… Well, praise the Lord that all six of you made it out alive," Cara says, changing the subject. "It's simply a miracle that you guys survived all that. I was praying day and night for you children while the rescue mission was being amassed. You know, Emma, my sister told me that prayer doesn't work. I mean, how do you explain the crazy survival-against-all-odds story they have, then?"
"Exactly as you described it?" Yasmina suggests in her head. "People survive crazy things all the time, this isn't some crazy, spiritual phenomenon…
"It was an extremely close call, though, with my leg and Darius's injuries…" she admits in her head.
After listening to them discuss their survival and blab on and on about their God—it was nauseating, their hyper-spirituality in Yasmina's opinion—the Pincus's finally headed home. Relieved to be alone, Yasmina lays down on the bed on her stomach, sighing. Ben sets his Bible down on the bed next to her as he takes off his tie. His mother calls him to the kitchen to help with lunch, and he leaves Yasmina alone in his room.
Yasmina turns her head and stares at the Bible. She had to admit, she was curious about the stories she had heard. Something about water and wine, if she was paying attention correctly. She felt the compulsion to pick up the book and read it, just to see what the whole thing was about. "What's so convincing about this book that thousands upon thousands believe it?" she wonders.
"No, if I read it, they'll try to force me into joining," fear pops in. "I'll be stuck in their religion. I'll be abused and tormented, and when I try to leave, they'll make me think I'm the one in the wrong. They'll try to scare me into joining by telling me I'll go to Hell. But then, every mistake I make will send me to Hell. I'll be forced to conform and become perfect and be tormented and abused!"
Yasmina shakes her head, fighting against the fear. "No… the Pincus's would never abuse me. And they're not trying to force me to join… right? Ben really wants me to join… No, they'd never abuse me… and these guys aren't sexist against women like my father was… Okay… maybe Catholics aren't SO bad…"
"But cults make things seem so good when you first join…" the fear hisses.
"No, they're not in a cult," Yasmina snaps back. "They are nice… strange… but nice. Peaceful. They truly seem to want to do good, even if they are on the weird side."
"How can I be so sure…?" the fear asks.
Yasmina thinks for a second. "Well…" she whispers to herself. "I'm pretty sure whatever they believe is peaceful… but the only way to find out would be to learn what they believe."
"Test them," a voice gently whispers. "Let's see what's actually in this book. If it's wrong, it's wrong and I don't have to join. If it's right—"
"No! I won't join!" fear shouts. "I don't need some God ruling over my life! I don't need some 'holy' priest telling me everything I did wrong and that I'm a terrible person! I already know that…"
Yasmina twists her head and buries her face in the covers, concealing the hot tears that suddenly came on. "It's my fault Darius got injured. Who knows what else my limb loss affected… Was it my fault that Brooklynn lost her eye? Would they have made it to the plane faster if they didn't have me? Maybe they wouldn't have even ran into another dinosaur if I had just died…"
Feelings of guilt and condemnation overtake her mind and she sobs, wishing that she had died on the island… Things would be better for her friends… She regretted living. She regretted surviving. She wished that she had been defeated and that she had given up.
"I am unworthy of their friendship," she sobs as condemning voices turn on her. "Unworthy of love. Unworthy of sympathy. Unworthy… Impure… Ashamed… Why would their God accept me? It's my fault that Darius is hurt… It's my fault that Brooklynn is hurt… I was a jerk to her and Kenji… I hurt Sammy… I'm a horrible daughter… I'm abused… Why would God accept me?"
Yasmina recalls when she lost her leg. "Am I going to die?" she asked Ben.
"I believe you're going to make it," Ben said calmingly.
Yasmina started to cry. "Will I go to Hell?" Her voice quivered at the idea of what would happen to her after death.
"Have you accepted Jesus?" Ben asked.
"No," she shook her head. The idea was strange. Of course she would accept Jesus… But would the deity accept her? "Will… Will he accept me?"
"He died on the Cross for you," Ben explained. "He died for your sins, and he took all the pain you've felt and ever will feel on there with him for you. His salvation is a gift; you just have to accept it."
Yasmina chuckles sadly. "It can't be that easy. Why would a God die for us? What do we have to do in return? What type of religion are you believing, Ben? God doesn't owe us anything, why would he come and save us by dying for us? I'm not worthy of this love your God gives…"
Yasmina wipes away her tears and sits up. "Come on, Yasmina," she sputters. "God isn't real. You're kidding yourself, stop crying over not being worthy of a fictional being…"
"Am I sure he's not real?" a thought enters. "Why did I accept him on the island in the first place?"
Yasmina barks out a laugh. "I was weakened then. I was vulnerable. I don't need a God ruling over my life. I don't need Him. I can take care of myself! I don't need his protection from the Devil! I've got it!"
A noise from Ben's closet startles her and the door cracks open. She yelps and slips off the edge of the bed and onto the floor. She turns over on her stomach and stares at the closet. "Object? Monster? What was that?!"
Not wanting to tempt fate more than she already did, Yasmina opens the door and crawls out of Ben's room. She finds an open door and crawls through it. It was an office room and she hid under the desk. Paranoid, she peeks around the chair and looks at the door, wondering if something had followed her. Was it her imagination, or was a creature standing just out of sight behind the door?
Yasmina was sure she could hear breathing, and she curled up in the back of the desk, shaking. "It's just a hallucination, just a hallucination. You've had this monster come around before…"
The breathing disappeared and her hallucination disappeared. Curled up under the desk—which was smaller than most—she felt comforted. At peace. There was something about the room that made her feel safe. Maybe it was because when she was younger and her father was being abusive, she would run and hide around the house. She always felt safer hiding, especially in small, tiny places. The smaller the hiding spot, the more she felt like it was giving her a hug. Her mother had called her Kitty as a child because she could hide in the smallest places.
"Yeah, that's probably why I feel safest here," she thinks. "It's small and comforting…"
"And lunch is served," Ben's father announces.
"Where's Yasmina?" Ben frowns, looking around the living room.
"At this point, assume she's in your room," his father jokes.
Ben chuckles and looks in his room. "Yasmina?" he asks, looking around the empty room. He opens his closet door to check and finds that one of his shelves had collapsed. "Okay, you're not in there…" he frowns.
Ben knocks on the bathroom door, then looks inside the office room. He finds Yasmina curled up under the desk. "Yasmina?" he asks, crouching down.
"Had a flashback," she mumbles. "It's peaceful here…"
Ben smiles. "Yeah, I always found it peaceful here, too. My parents and I would always come in here and pray. This was our family prayer room. Lots of good memories in here… lots of tears as well…" Ben chuckles. "Speaking of, what did you think of church? The actual church, not my Nonna trying to interrupt your personal space."
Ben's curious smile disappears as Yasmina glares at him. "What did I think?" she snaps irritatedly. "I don't get why you believe in that crap! I didn't see any love of God or anything useful for life. It was all ritualistic and cultish! Stand up! Sit down! Kneel down, get up! Sing, pray, read some abstract passages no one can understand! Makes no effing sense!"
Ben leans back in shock. All he had asked was what she thought about church…
"You can kiss my behind," Yasmina growls, "cause I'm not joining your weird religion. Jesus makes as much sense as Allah to me, and I don't need some mythical deity ruling my life. It's stupid, mythical, and aboslutely fake! I can take care of myself. I don't need some divine help in my life, and I don't need people pressuring me into joining!"
Ben looks awkwardly at the floor before leaving the room. Doubt starts to enter as he closes the door. "Will she ever come around? Did the Catholic church turn her off completely? God, I can't bear the thought of her going to Hell… God, what is going to happen?"
"I don't trust you. I don't trust you. I don't trust you…" Mr. Gutierrez's words roll around in Kenji's head. The boy didn't know what to do… "I knew it… I could never have changed… I'll just end up hurting Sammy…" doubt choruses.
"Well, yer ride is here, what's it gonna be?" Mr. Gutierrez prompts.
Kenji lifts his head to look the man in the eyes. By now, tears were threatening to spill out. "No," he says, barely above a whisper.
"No?" Mr. Gutierrez quirks a bushy eyebrow.
"No, I won't stay with her," Kenji says, trying to keep his voice steady. "You… I love Sammy so much… And I thought I changed… I thought I was better… But y'all care so much about her. You guys have her best interests at heart. And if you guys don't trust me… Maybe I was kidding myself… Maybe I was being selfish. If being with her means she's hurt and abused, then how could I stay with her? How… How could I do that to her?"
Kenji closes his eyes and takes in a shaky breath, tears slipping out. "My worst fear is hurting her… My worst fear is hurting my friends! Abusing them… Selfishly using them… I would rather take on Isla Nublar alone than hurt them… So, if I have no hope of changing and being a blessing and a joy to her… Then I can't stay."
He looks up at her. Sammy was crying; she could barely look at him. "I want you to be happy," Kenji sniffs, "but more importantly, I want you to be loved and taken care of. And if that means leaving you and staying friends and watching you fall in love with someone better… Even if that means leaving for good and never seeing you again… If that's what is healthier for you… That's what I'll do. So…"
Kenji bites his lip, trying not to sob. "I… I hope we can stay friends… I wish we could fall in love… But I don't trust myself with you… And I wouldn't allow someone I don't trust with you to stay… so…"
Kenji turns away from the doorway. He can hear Sammy, Mrs. Gutierrez, Abuela, and possibly Miriam and Sandra crying inside the house. But he doesn't look back. Shakingly, he walks down the steps, ready to go home with his father for the first time.
"Hey, boy, wait," Mr. Gutierrez says, putting his beefy hand on Kenji's shoulder.
Kenji turns around, a bit scared and confused. The man was smiling, almost chuckling as he gently guided him back to the house. "W-what?" Kenji stutters in confusion.
"You passed the final test," Mr. Gutierrez says. "That was a test," he repeats as Kenji stares at him, befuddled. "You passed."
Kenji is flabbergasted, and can barely process what he was saying. He looks over at Sammy, who was giving him a smile through her tears. "But… I… I thought you didn't trust me because of…" he shrugs, knowing that Sandra and Shelby were in the room.
"We all make mistakes, we're not holding it against ya," Abuela says, grabbing a tissue and blowing noisily into it.
"You were pretty much approved last night," Mr. Gutierrez smiles. "Despite the argument and all. Normally these trials to allow guys and girls into our family goes on for a few weeks. But yer a good kid, Kenji. Kind, selfless, caring. A true gentleman."
Kenji blinks at him in disbelief. Kind? Selfless? A gentleman? Were those words really being used to describe him?
"We figured a bunch a weeks weren't necessary to approve ya," Uncle Cesario butts in. "So after a bit a arguin', we decided to speed it up and give ya the ultimate test."
"We wanted to see who was truly more important to you," Mrs. Gutierrez kindly says, accepting a tissue from Shelby. "You or Sammy? We were sure of what your answer would be, but we couldn't waive the test. It's the standard."
"Sorry about acting suspicious of ya and all," Miriam smiles, taking the tissue Shelby offers her. "We couldn't spring this thing out of the blue, otherwise you'd catch on that it was a test."
"Wait, wait," Kenji stutters, covering his face with his hands and rubbing his eyes in disbelief. "You guys trust me? I gave y'all the right answer? I was supposed to give her up?"
"Well, the right answer isn't concrete," Mr. Gutierrez chuckles. "It's not like a textbook test. It all depends on what you say and who you are."
"You could've begged for another chance to change and prove yerself," Jorge explains. "You still would've gotten in."
"But you walked away without hesitation," Carlos's gravely voice inputs. "I ain't never seen a boy or girl walk away. The good ones beg for another chance to prove themselves. They would walk away if they weren't worthy, but they weren't about to give up."
"But you put her safety above yer happiness, and even her happiness," Mr. Gutierrez strokes his beard. "Not 'ready to walk away,' you did walk away. As much as you wanted to be with her, you cared more about her. It scares you that much that you'd give up?"
Kenji can barely comprehend their words. "I… She… You guys think she'd be safe with me? I'm… I'm worthy of loving her?"
"I wish you didn't have to go through this test!" Sammy exclaims through happy and sad tears. "Thank ya, Shelby," she accepts a tissue from her younger sister, who had taken it upon herself to hand out the paper to those who were crying. "You. Are. Amazing, Kenji! You weren't even as bad before the island as you thought you were, Kenji! Yer acting like you would commit a crime against me! The most you would'a done pre-island was not commit to a relationship! You wouldn't have hurt me or abused me or manipulated me! You've changed so much from the old Kenji, yer hardly recognizable. Yer sensitive and kind, hardworking, selfless, laid back. It's… I wish you didn't have to be told all that for the test… It's sad to watch… Sad to see you feel unworthy…"
"I think you stole my title of 'best future son-in-law,'" Justin pipes in with a chuckle, resting his arm on his fiance, Holly's shoulder.
Kenji was having difficulty closing his jaw. "I… I… I'm in? … I thought for sure I was going to fail…"
"Yer approved, Son," Mr. Gutierrez smiles, putting emphasis on 'son.' "Welcome to the family."
"We can get married as soon as I'm old enough," Sammy smiles with a chuckle.
"Please don't," Holly snorts.
That was the final straw that broke the waterworks, although this time, it was tears of joy. "I'm overwhelmed…" is all he can comprehend in relief as he begins to weep with joy. His knees give out in relief and he slumps to the ground.
"Steady, boy," Mr. Gutierrez chuckles, grabbing his arm to catch him. The man was tearing up from this emotional scene, as was the rest of the family.
Kenji moves his knees to a criss-cross position and weeps with joy on the floor. "I'm worthy… I'm worthy… I'm trusted… I'm not going to hurt her… I'm part of the family… I can marry Sammy when we're older… Oh my God, I made it… I made it!"
"Tissue?" Shelby offers.
"Thank you," Kenji sobs, taking the tissue and pulling her into a hug.
The front door opens and Kenji's father enters. "What did you do to my son?" he asks, looking between Mr. Gutierrez and a weeping Kenji on the floor.
Mr. Gutierrez relays a summarized version of Kenji's speech and the test, and Mr. Kon's eyebrows raise. The man kneels down next to his son to whisper in his ear. "You said all that?"
Kenji nods, wiping his eyes with the clean part of the tissue.
"You're a better man than I was at your age, son," Mr. Kon whispers, slightly embarrassed. "Heck, you're better than I am now. I don't know where you learned that from… certainly not from me. I'm proud of you, Kenji."
The joy of finally, finally being approved to marry the love of his life in the future was overwhelming. But on top of that, his father had just told him that he was proud of him… The same father that all his life, Kenji had tried to impress and earn the approval of, had just told Kenji that he was a better man than him… The combination of joy and relief and happiness just might make his heart give out.
"I have to hug Sammy… Oh God, I can hug her. I can finally hug her!" Kenji thinks with jubilation. He had been nervous to hug her or even come too close while the trials were going on… didn't want to appear like he was advancing on her.
Getting to his feet, he crosses the living room and envelops Sammy in a strong, relieved hug. "I can't believe I made it through… I can't believe I can love you," he sniffs, wiping his eyes.
"I always knew," Sammy smiles.
"Then what was all this sobbing and crying and looking all sad for!" Kenji exclaims, flopping down on the couch next to her wheelchair. "I'm looking for hope cause everyone's judging me with their stares, and I look at you and you're crying and all and giving me this look like, 'Oh my God, he's not going to make it! I'm never going to see him again!'"
The family starts laughing. "No, I was crying because you're insecure and it was breaking my heart to watch yours break!" Sammy protests.
"Pffffffffffffffffffffff," Kenji sputters as he leans back against the couch and comically slides off of it onto the floor. "Me? InsEcUrE? Never! I don't know what you're talking about! I am deeply offEndEd!"
"Y'all, Kenji's back to normal," Sammy laughs.
"You sound like a leaky faucet," Sandra laughs.
"What's really embarrassing is when you sound like a leaky faucet NOT on purpose," he mutters, reseating himself on the couch. Mr. Kon settles down next to his son and the two join the Gutierrez's for a family hangout. Now approved, Kenji could sit back and truly enjoy the hangouts and jokes without worry or fear that it would reflect on him.
Because they were family now.
"What's wrong, Ben?" his mother asks. "Did you and Yasmina have a fight?"
"You could say that," Ben shrugs sadly, picking at his lunch. Yasmina had decided not to join them. She had been skipping a lot of meals recently out of depression or anger…
"Was it about church?" Ben's father asks.
"Yeah…" Ben mumbles. "She basically snapped at me that Catholisicm is stupid and that she would never join."
"Well, she's a stubborn girl," his mother chuckles. "We can't force her to like it, nor are we trying to."
"I know, I'm not trying to force her to join," Ben says. "I can't force anyone to join, especially not her. I just… I'm hoping she will… It's like when your friend doesn't like the same movie as you. You want them to like it. You can't force them to like it, but you still hope that one day they can turn around and you can talk to them about it without annoying them… you know?"
"Well, maybe she will come around, who knows," his mother shrugs. "Pray about it."
Ben sighs and gets around to eating his lunch. Afterwards, he talks to Darius on the phone. "Yeah, she seemed really angry about it," he says quietly, hoping Yasmina wouldn't overhear from the other room. "It's just really disheartening to hear her talk like that."
"Yeah, I get that," Darius says. "It's hard not to lose hope, especially since she's sooo stubborn about everything. It's hard to change her mind when she's set in her ways."
Ben sighs. "I mean, that would suit her well if she did come around… but it makes it harder to make her open up… to anything, really. She's always either super stubborn or apathetic."
"Yeah, but she's usually super stubborn about something that bothered her in the past," Darius reminds him. "Religion damaged her… well, her father damaged her through religion. She's got a strong opinion on it. Don't leave her feeling pressured to join. It won't help anything."
"Yeah, I think that's how she was feeling when I talked to her," Ben sighs. "I didn't think I was pressuring her, but maybe she was already feeling triggered and I caught the explosion…"
"Think about how she was with Sammy," Darius says. "She was adamantly against letting down her walls. It took some time, and she gradually opened up. She saw the rest of us enjoying Sammy's company and slowly began to warm up to the idea. That seems to be how Yaz works with these sort of things. Don't lose hope."
Ben thinks for a moment and sighs. "I'm not going to give up. On hope, not forcing her to join. She can join if she wants, I'm going to be standing in faith. Things take time, especially with her. It may not look like it… but you know, I can't read her mind. I have no idea what's going on in there. She may not be open right now, but that's not going to deter me."
"Good for you," Darius laughs. "I'll stand with you. I… Ehh? I'm in a cast, I can't do a Tik Tok challenge right now, Brook."
Ben can hear her talking on the other end. "Okay, guess I gotta go watch Brooklynn and Milton do some Tik Tok challenge," Darius laughs. "Talk to you later, Ben?"
"Yeah, talk to you later," Ben chuckles. "We're moving down to Texas Friday, so I'll see you then."
"Awesome! Bye!" Darius says, hanging up.
Yasmina skips dinner as well, shunning the Pincus's quietly. She finally comes out at night time to go to bed. Ben and Yasmina stare at each other uncomfortably before both trying to speak at the same time. They chuckle. "You go first," Ben says.
"No, you go first," Yasmina tells him.
"No, you," Ben insists.
"Ben, you go first," she says.
Ben takes a piece of duct tape and puts it over his mouth.
"Where did you get the duct tape?" she laughs.
"Mmm hmm homm fffmm," Ben mumbles. He takes it off. "Had a small project and didn't put it back yet." He puts the tape back over his mouth and gestures for her to speak what was on her mind.
Yasmina sighs. "Look… I'm sorry… about snapping at you back there. I don't like your religion, but… I shouldn't have snapped like that… I was just feeling pressured to join by your friends at the church. And… I was ready for you to do the same. So I snapped first."
Ben takes the duct tape off his mouth. "It's okay. I'm sorry if I made you feel that way. I was just asking what you thought about it since you were nervous about going. I didn't mean to make you feel pressured."
"You weren't, I was just ready to be attacked," she sighs. "As for what I thought… it was weird, I'll say that."
"You said quite a lot before," he laughs. "I don't hold it against you. I've grown up in the Catholic church, but… I'd prefer to go to another church. Like the one Sammy goes to. Catholic church feels a little more works based to me. I believe slightly differently from my parents and the church. Just haven't told them yet… I figured I'd try going to Sammy's church when we go to Texas. It's more laid back and less… ritualistic."
"Wait, what?!" Yasmina exclaims, shocking that Ben felt the same way.
"Catholics… there's a lot of… steps in the church?" Ben sighs, trying to figure out how to explain it. "It's a work based ethic. You have to work to go to Heaven… or Purgatory. And I… don't exactly believe in that. There's no way that we'd ever make it to Heaven with the sins we do. And we can't repent for each and every one of them… how can we remember all of them? It's by the grace of God and the sacrifice of Jesus that we go to Heaven. That's what Sammy's church teaches… I want to go there."
Ben looks over at Yasmina who was chewing on her lip, almost irritatedly. "You want me to shut up about religion, don't you?"
"Yeah," Yasmina chuckles.
"How about we talk about you disappearing everytime you're angry or sad?" Ben teases.
Yasmina kicks him under the covers, and he kicks back. The two start kicking each other while laughing. "Okay, okay!" Ben finally says, turning his back to her. "Even with one leg, you're still better at creating pain."
She laughs and curls up behind him, putting an arm over him. "Good night," she murmurs.
"Good night," he says back. "You are in the perfect position to kick me off the bed, should you do so in your sleep," he thinks. But instead of protesting, he settles into bed, just happy that she wasn't angry at him anymore.
"Well, what's your choice? I got secrets I can publish," Leah's text reads.
Brooklynn shuts her eyes tightly, then opens them and looks to her side. Darius was lightly breathing next to her. Her brother had protested to her sleeping in the same bed with a boy, but Mrs. Bowman had thought it was okay. Darius was a pure, innocent soul with no bad intentions, and Brooklynn and Darius were just friends.
Sighing, Brooklynn gets out of bed and heads down to the kitchen. She sits down and leans against a cabinet. The girl takes a deep breath in. "You don't need help. Leah is bluffing. Her parents are punishing her. She can't hurt you, and you don't have to feel threatened by her."
"No," Brooklynn sends. "You cannot control me. I'm not doing what you want me to. You have no right to tell those lies about me, and you have no right to threaten me. I know your parents are reprimanding you for this. Come out with the truth and leave me alone. This doesn't have to be a fight."
Brooklynn is pretty proud of herself for handling it pretty maturely.
Unfortunately, Leah didn't return those feelings. "Oh, sure, I'll come out and say that I'm a liar and that you're an angel. Hey, why don't I tell them the whole truth? Tell them that I'm threatening to reveal your secrets and say what the secret is? Be completely transparent, you know?"
Brooklynn shakily sighs. "No, just tell them that we didn't attack you. You're already in trouble with your parents, you don't have a leg to stand on."
"And yet I still haven't heard anything about these threats, so obviously, you must be scared to tell someone about it," Leah replies with smiley faces. "And Yasmina hasn't gone on another tirad, so you must be keeping this a secret."
Brooklynn drops her phone into her lap and covers her face, crying out of frustration and stress. Unable to think of any other approach, she decides to be completely honest. "Please just stop! I can't take this! You know I'm depressed and suicidal! You're lying about me and turning the Internet against me! You're sending trolls to me! They're telling me to kill myself! I'm starting to believe them…"
Brooklynn wipes her nose on her sleeve before continuing. "Your bullying isn't helping these thoughts. Your threats make me want to cut myself. Your torment makes me want to leave, and my friends are the only reason I'm staying! You pride yourself on being inclusive and understanding for your channel and raising awareness to others struggles… Can you stop turning on me and making me feel worthless? It would really cut down on depression and suicidal thoughts… Can you please be understanding?"
Thirty minutes pass by. Then an hour. Then another hour. Brooklynn is just about to give up and go to bed, when Leah finally texts her back. This time, her attitude was different. Instead of the cool headed, in-control diva Brooklynn talked to before, Leah's tone was more accusative and attacking. "Oh, yeah, of course I'm the bad guy! It's my fault that you have depression and want to commit suicide. Definitely my fault! Yep! Everything is my fault! Maybe it's not just because you're annoying and bratty and ugly! I'm sorry, Princess Brooklynn. You're the angelic little white girl everyone has to treat perfectly! No one can offend you or hurt you and every bad thing is someone else's fault! You're the little star of Youtube with your little inquisitive personality and perfect friend group and tragic backstory. Everyone loves you! How dare plain Leah possibly insult you!"
Brooklynn lets out a tired, hurt sob.
"You know what? Fine. I'll tell the truth," Leah rants. "And of course, my parents are grounding me for a month after I do. Enjoy a month of having Youtube all to yourself. Go ahead. Say whatever you want to say. Just know that I'll have my revenge when I get back. You might want to watch what you say. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Enjoy your March, Brooklynn. I'll be back in April."
Brooklynn drops her phone again and starts sobbing. "No, no, no! You were supposed to apologize and stop! You were supposed to change your actions! Not leave me nervous and anxious for an entire month, then put me through Hell for your 'revenge'! Please, no! What did I do to you to deserve this treatment?!"
Self-harming feelings and thoughts hit her like a freight train. The urge was stronger than in the morning, and now with Leah's ominous revenge threat in her mind, Brooklynn's resolve to not cut herself is severely weakened.
Sobbing, Brooklynn searches through the kitchen silverware, and finds the smallest, sharp steel knife. Sitting back down, she stares at it. Her mind was in so much turmoil; she was under so much mental anguish. Her life felt like it was spiraling out of control. She wanted to get out of her mind… She wanted to feel something other than emotional pain!
"Don't do it, don't do it, seek help," the calm conscious side of her mind said.
"Nothing will be able to solve the pain! Death is the only escape!" the pained, troubled side of her mind cries out. "Don't cut my arms, cut my wrists and end it!"
Brooklynn sobs. The tormented side was winning out… She didn't want to give in, but the battle had been so long… It was so drawn out… She was starting to lose sight of the end… Starting to lose sight of the victory… She wanted to accept defeat…
Someone comes downstairs. Brooklynn looks up. Through her tears, she can see Brandon look at her in shock. He sees the knife. "Brooklynn!" he hisses, quickly moving towards her.
"It hurts…" she cries. "It hurts so much…"
"Where did you cut?" Brandon asks, checking her arms and moving them to glance at her chest. He thought she was trying to kill herself.
"I haven't done it yet," she cries, shaking her head. "I want to. But I don't… It hurts so much… I can't get out of my head… All these thoughts… I want to escape them… I want to feel something else for a change… I want to give in…"
Brandon nods, understanding what she was saying. "Brook, depression and self-harm and all this… it's a war, not a battle. You win some battles, you lose some battles… but it's a war. Cutting yourself… it allows the enemy to gain more territory in your heart and mind."
Brooklynn nods, getting the analogy.
"Just like in a war, you can gain allies," Brandon continues. "Your friends, your family, other people who care for you and uplift you. Those who give you tactics to fight back, those who help fight for you and with you. But… it's not our war, you know. While we're fighting, it's not our motherland. If the country isn't willing to fight for their own land, what can their allies do?"
"I have to want to fight for my life, don't I?" Brooklynn sniffs.
Brandon nods. "If you don't want to fight for your life… What can the rest of us do for you? There's only so much we can do… we can take away the knife now… but you could find another way later. I know it's hard to fight back and it would be easier if someone else can fight for you… I can take away the knife. But you have to want me to… I understand hurting yourself."
Brandon pulls up his pajama shirt sleeves. In the dark, Brooklynn can just make out scars on the sides of his wrist. "After we lost Dad… I cut myself for the first time… It got worse when I thought Darius was gone… Mom found out. She helped me find other ways to deal with expressing the pain and emotions I was going through."
Brooklynn wipes her eyes. "Really?"
He nods. "If you don't want to fix the problem… Taking away the knife only prolongs things. It's like taking away technology from a bully… it might stop them one way, but if they aren't changing their ways on their own, they'll find another way to bully."
Brooklynn starts crying again. The analogy hit a little too close to home. "Leah's just going to find another way to bully me, things haven't gotten better!" the voices in her head cry.
"Brook, I can take away the knife," Brandon promises. "But you have to give it to me… You have to want to fight. We're going to fight for you no matter what your decision… but if you're going to end things… it might be pointless… You're not pointless, you're always worth the fight. But if you already know that you're not going to make it, we're not really making a difference, you know?"
Brooklynn nods, tears slipping out.
"Not cutting is a battle, but cutting is defeat," Brandon says. "I understand both paths…" He bites his lip. "I understand the turmoil in your head, and sometimes cutting feels like the only path to healing… It's not, but I get your pain… The question isn't should I cut, it's do I want to give into these feelings at the moment and slide down that hill… Do I want to go backwards in my progress? And… It's not my decision. It's yours… Are you… Are you willing to fight for your life?"
Brooklynn stares at the knife, turning it in her hands. It was her decision… would she accept defeat… or fight… Cut… or give the knife away… Relieve the pain… or ride it out…
"Is the pain so bad that I want to cut… that I want to end it…? Or am I worth it to fight…?" Brooklynn asks herself, weighing the options… flipping back and forth between them… "What do I do…?"