Authors Note: I do not own any character. They belong to Kishimoto.
Warning: This story has mature themes including substance abuse, self-harm, depression, mental illness, etc.
Her bags were packed. Now she just had to wait till morning to be escorted to Suna. For the past hour, she had been pacing around her apartment. She glanced at the digital clock in her room. Not even close to midnight. She wasn't tired. It was the exact opposite. Even if she tried, she knew she'd just be laying in bed staring at the ceiling. Staying still meant more time for her mind to wonder. Sleeping was off the table.
Sakura could not shake the previous events of the day. She felt like the world was now crashing around her. Not only did she fuck up, but she also fucked up in the most fantastic way possible. From her old mentor learning, she was stealing drugs from the hospital to getting placed on leave, and disappointing everyone in her life. The shame was almost too much to bear. Sakura shook her head. It happened. She couldn't change it. So, there was no need to get stuck in that memory loop.
Sakura entered her bathroom and made her way towards the porcelain sink. She slid her hands under the lining till she hit her hiding spot and pulled out the military rations. She stared at the container that rested in her palm. Shizune wanted her to throw them away, but Sakura needed them. Constant distraction and working had been her silver lining, and now that was gone. Sakura held the pill case tighter in her hand visualizing emptying its contents. She replayed the act over and over, but Sakura could not complete the action. She opened the case and wondered what life was going to be like after the 4 remaining pills were gone.
As a doctor, she knew very well what the stages of withdrawal would be. It was after the withdrawal that she was worried about. What was she going to do when she didn't have the pills to lean on? Then the thoughts of if Shizune told everyone about what she did entered her mind. She would be coming back to living with people knowing all about her dirty secrets. Then they can look down on her more than they already do. At least it felt that way.
A knock at her front door caught her attention. The faucet was still running, and she realized she had been staring down at the pill case. For how long, she didn't know. Sakura closed the case and put it back in its secure hiding place. She turned the faucet off and did a quick mirror check before heading towards the door.
The knocking began to increase in urgency. Who could that be? What if it was Naruto?
"Coming." Sakura sighed. Her bare feet smacked against the cold wood floor as the knocking had now turned into banging. Could she not just be invisible until she left in the morning?
She took a deep breath and exhaled before opening the door.
"Billboard brow why didn't you tell me you were going to Suna!"
Sakura's face turned white as all the blood rushed from her face. She became frozen. Unable to move. They already knew.
Ino stood in front of Sakura, 5 months pregnant and holding a bag. Her face held a cheeky grin that gave her, now plump cheeks, a warm glow. She looked more mature since the last time Sakura had saw her. Modesty was not Ino's forte, but her knee-length violet dress paired with her hair in a bun complimented her. Sakura brought her attention to Ino's belly and seemed to be mesmerized. Before Ino had barely been showing and now it was evident she was carrying a child.
"Earth to Sakura!" Ino waved her hand in front of Sakura's face.
"Who told you?" Sakura managed to get out. Moving her gaze from Ino's stomach to her eyes. Her seriousness caught Ino off guard. It made Ino shift her weight, now grasping the handle of her bag with both hands.
"Temari told Shikamaru you accepted the training position at the hospital. "Ino said, a hint of confusion in her voice.
"Are you okay?" She asked. Ino stepped forward, placing a hand on Sakura's forehead. The contact caught Sakura off guard. The gesture felt so foreign to her. It made her uncomfortable. She took a step back, making Ino retract her hand.
Ino eyed her curiously. "you're a little warm."
Sakura nodded her head. "I'm fine. Just been a crazy week at the hospital."
Ino shifted her weight from heel to heel. A silence growing between them.
" ughh.. are you gonna invite me in?" Ino asked raising one of her platinum blonde eyebrows.
Sakura sidestepped, letting Ino come in. The smell of flowers hit Sakura as she followed behind the blonde. Ino made her way to the couch, rotating methodically before she sat. Placing a hand on her belly, Ino guided herself to the cushion. She placed the bag she had on the coffee table.
"I brought you some food. I made way too much for dinner tonight." She giggled.
Sakura thanked her, but she was preoccupied with what exactly Ino knew.
"So, what did Shikamaru tell you exactly?" Her eyes fixated on Ino.
"That you took the job in Suna…" Ino eyed Sakura curiously.
"Sakura you're being weird, are you sure you're feeling, okay?" A hint of concern in her voice.
Maybe Ino didn't know anything. If she did, Sakura was sure Ino would come in and address it immediately. Sakura half laughed trying to appear reassuring. She just needed to be normal for a bit. Fake it. Redirect Ino she told herself. Redirect her before she started to pry.
"Just curious. How have things been at the flower shop? "Sakura could feel the fakeness in her voice as she spoke. She hated small talk, but she was good at it.
Ino began to unload on Sakura. For as long as her and Ino had been friends, Sakura knew how to avoid topics with Ino. She just had to focus the conversation towards Ino, and viola. Successful deflection.
Ino began jumping from how busy they have been to Sai being Sai. Sakura would nod and give the occasional mhmm. Even if Sakura wanted to contribute to the conversation, she wouldn't be able to get a word in edge-wise. That's just how Ino was. She wasn't a bad person; she always leaned more towards self-centric discussions.
Sakura began to mentally check out when Ino began talking about her pregnancy. It had been part of the reason why Sakura had tried her best to avoid Ino. All she could talk about was what she was going to do for her baby shower or what names she and Sai were thinking about. The last time she went to dinner with Hinata and Ino, the conversation was centered on motherhood or why Sakura needed to hurry up and settle down. It was too much for Sakura to sit through. She avoided any scenario where she couldn't have an excuse for why she couldn't be there.
"Sakura! Hello!"
Sakura brought her attention back to Ino.
"What were you saying?" Sakura asked.
Ino scoffed, shaking her head. "I was asking when you are leaving for Suna. Have you been zoned out this entire time?"
"I'm just tired Ino. I was listening. I promise." Sakura gave Ino a reassuring smile.
"When are you heading out?" Ino asked.
"Tomorrow." Sakura replied.
"What?!" Ino shouted
Sakura was confused by Ino's response. She nodded her head." I'm leaving in the morning."
Ino sat up, visibly upset." So, you can't help with my baby shower this weekend."
Shit.
Sakura didn't even realize it was so close. She was planning on using the excuse of working to get out of going, but now she couldn't weasel her way out of this.
"Ino, I'm sorr." Sakura couldn't finish her sentence before Ino stopped her.
" Oh shut up Sakura!" Ino hissed.
Sakura was taken aback by her outburst. Ino glared at Sakura. Angry wasn't the word for it, she was absolutely pissed. Ino clenched her jaw, exhaling hard through her nose.
"You know what Sakura? You always flake anymore and I'm sick of it! I'd much rather you just tell me you don't want to do it instead of leaving me hanging last minute."
Sakura looked away from Ino's harsh gaze. What could she say?
" I'm sorry." Sakura murmured.
"Sorry?!" Ino screamed.
"That's all you have to say! You're missing your best friend's baby shower and you can't even give me a proper apology." Ino stood. She struggled to contain her emotions. Her cheeks were tinted with a faint redness.
"I swear Sakura, you're so selfish!" She snapped.
"Ino that's enough. we'll talk about this some other time." Sakura understood where Ino was coming from, but this reaction felt dramatic. Frankly, considering everything, Sakura was not in a good mental state to deal with it.
Ino rolled her eyes at the comment. "When you aren't working?" she asked in a sarcastic tone. Ino folded her arms, searching for what her next words would be. Her eyes focused back on Sakura.
"What is it Sakura? You never talk to me anymore." She asked.
Sakura could hear a bit of sadness in Ino's tone. She couldn't put into words a way that Ino could understand.
"Ino I'm just ..busy."
Ino bit her lip. She opened her mouth and closed it just as fast. She was unsure if she should let the words come out. She let out a sigh and spoke.
"Sakura, are you upset that I'm pregnant?"Ino asked
"What?" Sakura asked in disbelief.
"Are you jealous that you are the only one in our friend group not married or pregnant?"
Ino's words punched Sakura in the gut. She sat mouth agape. She stared back at Ino questioning if she really just asked that. Ino stood firm in her stance. She was serious. Soon the shock turned to hurt, then to anger.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Sakura's eyes narrowed at Ino.
Ino put her hands on her hips, not backing down. "Well, it must be it! You never hang out with anyone anymore."
"Ino" Sakura warned.
"Well billboard brow, sorry your precious Sasuke isn't here. So, you're pouting about it."
Sakura gritted her teeth. "Ino what the Fuck?" She growled.
Ino huffed. "Is that it? You're still stuck on some childhood crush."
"Ino that's enough. You don't know what you're talking about." Sakura stood, standing a few feet in front of Ino.
"You need to grow up Sakura!"
Sakura made her way to the door, opening it. "Out. Now." She demanded. Her hand firmly gripped the knob, slowly bending the metal in her palm. She squeezed. She held the grip as if to anchor her in that moment.
" Oh, you can't just run away from your problems! You're going to listen to what I have to say." Ino demanded.
" Ino, leave my home." Sakura was struggling to keep her cool. She could feel her patience begin to wane.
"Now." Sakura said coldly.
Ino met Sakura's eyes. Sakura could see the pure venom in her blue orbs. Ino nodded her head.
"That's your problem Sakura. " Ino's eyes locked onto her.
"You never take accountability. You're always up your own ass and think that you're the only one that has problems! The war affected everyone Sakura! It fucking sucked!"
Tears began to brim Ino's eyes. She took a moment then spoke again.
"I watched my Dad and so many people I loved die in front of me. The difference between us is that I didn't let that define me. I didn't stop living my life." Sakura felt like Ino was looking into her soul. Ino looked down then brought her eyes back to Sakura. A look of disdain plastered on her features.
"That's probably why lady Tsunade doesn't associate with you anymore."
Before Sakura could stop herself, she was in front of Ino. Her palm had already made contact with her cheek. The slap echoing in the silence of the room. Ino looked into Sakura's eyes and was met with a look so feral it terrified her.
"YOU DON'T KNOW A GOD DAMN THING!" Sakura shouted pointing her finger into Ino's face.
"Did you ever think for one fucking second maybe the reason why I don't spend time with you is because your fucking insufferable! It's not because of Sasuke or jealousy." Sakura continued to get closer to Ino till she had backed Ino to the wall.
"Sakura." Tears began to fall from Ino's eyes. She had one hand on her cheek and one on her stomach. She was scared. Scared of who was standing in front of her.
"You think I'm jealous of you?!" Sakura's eyes narrowed.
"Who was it that always cared more about their appearance than training. Who was it that decided to stop taking missions? Huh? Sakura asked
"I didn't throw in the towel after the war because I had the choice. There are so many people, just like me, that will never be able to wash that experience off of them. I'm sorry I can't play house and forget what happened! "Sakura's voice cracked.
Sakura felt the familiar lump in her throat. She looked away from Ino. "There is so much you don't know about." Sakura's chin trembled. Hot tears began running down Sakura's cheeks. She began sobbing letting her pain consume her. She couldn't hold back. Ino had broken that dam Sakura had tried so hard to keep up. Now it was all bubbling to the surface in the messiest way. It was going to pour out of her, and she couldn't stop it.
"I'm a fucking doctor Ino. Not because I want to be, but because I have to be." Sakura was so close to Ino She could feel her breath. Sakura was out of control. Almost spiraling. She was so angry. Angry for not having control. Angry for Ino pushing and pushing. Angry that she made her this way.
Sakura clenched her jaw, holding Ino's gaze for more than it was comfortable.
"And you think I'm jealous because the highlight of your life is laying on your back and letting Sai cum in you."
Ino stood wide-eyed at the person in front of her. For a split second, Sakura could see her own reflection in Ino's blue orbs. Just like Ino, she didn't know who she was seeing. Sakura backed away still fuming.
"Get the fuck out of my house." The venom in Sakura's voice had subsided, but a hint of it was still present. She wasn't okay. Sakura already regretted blowing up at Ino. She should have bit her tongue, but she was angry. You can only be pushed so much until you snap.
Sakura knew she should apologize. The words wouldn't come out. She didn't have the energy to fix it.
Ino was in tears. She was still in disbelief at what had just happened. Her hand that cupped her cheek fell, revealing an angry-looking handprint on her pale skin. Her lip trembled. Tears were free-flowing, and the look she gave Sakura. God the look. It spoke for the silence.
Ino caressed her belly and hastily made her way out of Sakura's home. Ino didn't even try to close the door as she began sobbing. The sobs could still be heard until it eventually disappeared, leaving Sakura in the miserable silence of her home.
Sakura made her way to the door and closed it.
She placed her back against the wood, filled with regret. Why could she not stop herself? She wanted to justify it. But she could not. She felt like she was overflowing. The words Ino had said kept playing over and over in Sakura's head along with that look.
Unable to contain it any longer, Sakura began striking the wall in a flurry of punches. She found herself punching till the wall was full of holes. She howled as she hit harder. She wanted to be numb. She wanted the hurt gone. Her knuckles were on fire. Each hit into the drywall seemed to make the burn intensify.
The skin on her knuckles had opened up and began bleeding. She extended her left arm one last time in a hooking motion. All of her anger was loaded in that one punch. Her arm disappeared into the wall. Sakura's immediately felt a brief sting, then a wetness covered her arm. She pulled back, revealing a vertical gash along her forearm that was bleeding heavily. She examined it seeing the fatty tissue exposed and realized how deep it was.
For some reason, she felt a strange rush seeing the crimson liquid flowing down her ivory skin. Sakura looked at where she had previously hit and saw a nail jutting out. She examined its sharpness. The metal dripped with her blood. It was calling out to her. She imagined what it would feel like.
Without thinking, Sakura brought her right wrist to the nail and began to push in. The metal pierced the skin. She could feel it begin to probe deeper as the blood began to flow freely down her arm. She winced at first and then found herself enjoying what she was feeling. Her pink locks fell as she tilted her head back. A sigh slipped from her mouth as she felt a rush wash over her body. For a moment. This moment. She felt like she was in control.
She stayed like that until the high of her emotions dwindled down. Instantly she came back into herself. Her living room wall was demolished. It was decorated with various black holes and a mixture of blood. Chips of the wall were scattered all over the floor, including a good amount of her blood.
What's wrong with me?
Sakura took a seat on the floor, scooting the broken bits of the wall out of her way. She started healing her wrist, then turned to the large gash on her right forearm. It was taking a while and she could feel that her chakra was getting low. Her skills weren't as snappy as they had been during the war. Back in those days, she could have an abdomen wound closed in 20 seconds. The war. Sakura's mind began to replay the images of those she couldn't save. How helpless. No. She shook her head. She wasn't going to relive those memories. She focused on healing the gash and her knuckles to the point they were closed, but they still were visible, leaving a scar.
Sakura examined her home. What a mess.. Sakura took a deep inhale and pushed off her palm to stand. She couldn't wait for the escort in the morning. By then news will have spread of what happened with Ino. She didn't want to stick around for when it happened.
Sakura made her way to her bathroom. She didn't know how long she stayed in the shower, but it felt like an eternity. Her hair would just have to air dry. She opted for her black-out gear instead of her usual outfit with the Haruno clan symbol. She didn't want to be recognized. The last thing to do was to twist her hair and pin it under the beanie. What's the point of wearing all black when your hair is a neon light in the darkness?
Sakura doubled checked her bags. She felt like she was forgetting something when she remembered the rations. The rations. Immediately Shizune's words entered her mind. She'd be keeping tabs on me. Sakura went to her hiding place and retrieved the container. They were still there. That brought a sense of comfort to Sakura.
Sakura closed her eyes, concentrating hard. Fuck it. She opened the case and popped a pill into her mouth. She stood there rolling the pill around her tongue and then swallowed it. She could finish the pills and deal with the rest later in Suna she told herself. Everything would be fine.
In a swift motion, she grabbed her bags. Her boots made a crunching sound as she stepped on the drywall scattered across her home. The mess would just have to stay. She could fix it when she came back. Hopefully, the night terrors stayed here with the mess. Part of her was hopeful it was just being in the leaf village that brought them on.
She made her way down the empty streets of Kohona. Everyone was preparing for bed, while Sakura was going to spend her night traveling. Why did the village feel so different tonight? Like she was leaving forever? It felt somber walking down the dimly lit streets. She felt like a stranger in a place she had once called home.
Kohana was truly beautiful at night. The cool breeze caressed her skin, while the aroma of the late-night food places filled the air. It reminded her of her Team 7 days. It made her smile. How naïve she was back then.
She made her way towards the gates. For some reason, Sasuke entered her mind. She didn't know why, after all this time. Maybe it was the situation of Sakura leaving at night that reminded her of him.
The Uchiha hadn't entered her mind for years. He was a distant memory. Hearing Ino say his name felt like she was talking more amount at myth than someone they used to know. To Sakura, he had died long ago.
After the war and his last battle with Naruto, Sasuke stayed in Kohana for a few weeks. He awaited his trial with the elders who offered him clemency in exchange for his allegiance to the Leaf village. He left that night without a word. Sakura couldn't blame him. Why return to a place that killed everything you ever loved with no remorse. Since then, no one had heard a thing about him. It was assumed he died.
Sakura found herself at the gate. She nodded to the guards, making up a BS reason she was leaving now and not in the morning.
"Are you sure Haruno- Sama?" One man asked.
Sakura nodded. "They need me there immediately." She reassured.
She bowed to them and found herself running. Maybe it was her energy being restored or her just getting away for a while. She liked this feeling. Even if it was just momentary, she felt free. Free and in control. Soon her form disappeared as she jumped from branch to branch into the night.
Author Note: Thank you for reading this chapter! I have enjoyed writing this story and planning it out! I have an upload schedule and play to put a chapter out every week or so. The next chapter should be out by the end of this week/ beginning of next week. Thank you for the support. Be sure to check out my Tumblr where I post art/drawings for the series! I go by ghostiep00 .