Shinji's Phone
A/N: Goofy one-shot alert! Special thanks to deathbringer374 and Glory-To-Our-August-King for giving me a couple ideas.
It has been 28 days since the disappearance of the Third Child, Shinji Ikari. During a struggle with the Fourteenth Angel, his ego barrier dissolved and he was absorbed into Evangelion Unit-01. Ritsuko Akagi, head of Project E, has been tasked with recovering him from the Eva, using notes left behind from a recovery attempt 10 years prior. The problem with this experiment was that it had ended in failure, so she was modifying the methods as best as she could.
Major Misato Katsuragi, Shinji's guardian, was also overseeing the recovery attempt. She sat in Ritsuko's office discussing the effort.
"I think we may be able to try and bring him back with what I've worked out here," said Ritsuko.
"Really? That's great!" Misato responded. "How soon?"
"I was going to schedule it in two days from now. Hopefully, this will bring Shinji back."
"I hope so too, Rits," said Misato. "What if it doesn't? Do you have a plan B?"
Ritsuko pondered that for a moment. "Hm. That wouldn't be a bad idea. Maybe use something personal to Shinji to try and coax him out of the core. What do you think would help?"
Misato crossed her arms and looked up to the left. "Well, he's got that little tape player. He sits in his room sometimes and just plays a tape on loop."
"Ehh, I don't know how well that'd work. If he's using it as an escape, that might push him further in."
"How about we look on his phone? That might give us something," the Major suggested.
Ritsuko tilted her head, then gave a nod. "Yeah, I think we might be able to find something. You go grab the phone, and I'll keep at it here."
Misato made the trip home to retrieve Shinji's cell phone. He had been issued one by NERV, but he never seemed to use it much. He had friends, but did not tend to call them. Upon his abrupt return to NERV, he had thrown his bag, which had his personal belongings in the locker room. After the battle, it was brought back to the apartment.
"I'm home," Misato said to silence. She walked into Shinji's closet-room, which was very empty. Shinji did not have a lot of possessions, even after the time spent in Tokyo-3, so aside from his cello, everything could be crammed into a sizeable backpack.
She grabbed the bag, opened it, and upturned it. The contents fell out onto his futon, and she raked through them. Oddly enough, there was no cell phone. Instinctively, she got up and entered Asuka's room.
Asuka laid sideways on her futon. She rolled over when she heard the door open. "What the hell do you want?" she asked sourly.
"I'm looking for Shinji's phone. Any idea where it is?" Misato asked.
"Uh, why would I? It's his perverted little cell phone. He's probably got upskirt pictures on that thing, so I'll keep far away from it. Maybe the penguin has it," she scoffed.
Misato shook her head. "Asuka, Pen-Pen can't operate a cell phone with his claws. I don't even think he can use a zipper to get the thing from his bag."
"I don't have it!"
"I didn't even ask if you did," Misato said knowingly.
After a beat, Asuka grumbled something under her breath and reached into a drawer on her nightstand. She pulled out one cell phone and hastily handed it to Misato.
She decided to have a little fun. "And why, might I ask, were you holding onto this? Could it be that you miss little Shinji~?"
"None of your damn business, Katsuragi! Take the thing and get out of here!" Asuka snapped back.
Misato chuckled, and slinked out of her room, leaving her staring at the door.
Asuka wished she still had the phone, just to hold it in her hands.
"Well, good job getting this for me," Ritsuko said, holding the phone in her hands. "Wow, no password to unlock. The kid's completely anti-social. What do you think is even on this thing?"
"Maybe some texts? Some nice photos he took? I'm not too sure, Rits. This might be a long shot."
The two sat in silence as Ritsuko perused Shinji's phone, looking for something that might help.
She looked through his photo gallery, but did not find much. There was a picture of the skyline, and a few shots of Pen-Pen, but nothing concrete. His contacts had numbers for his friends from school, Misato, and Asuka. He didn't even have games on his phone.
She absentmindedly opened his web browser "Hm. This might be a dead en-" she stopped herself. "Oh lord."
"What? What is it?"
She smirked. "It appears our Third Child has a different side to him."
Misato leaned forward. "What are you talking about?"
Ritsuko paused to light a cigarette. "He's never heard of clearing his browser history, Misato. For a quiet kid, he sure has an active mind. You should see some of the stuff. Like this," she said as she read through his history. "'Redhead bondage.' I wonder what that stems from." She heard Misato suppress a laugh, but she pressed on. "It doesn't stop there. I think he's looked at almost every category of pornography you could find. I'm honestly a little impressed."
"No way!" Misato said between laughs. "So little Shinji's a pervert after all!"
"It doesn't stop there. We've got Google searches too. 'How to stand up to a girl.' 'How to tell a girl she could be a mother without sounding weird.' 'Is she flirting when she calls me an idiot?' 'Do girls find choking hot?'" She took a long drag of her cigarette, ashed it, and lit a new one. "I'm not religious, but Jesus Christ, Shinji."
Misato got a hold of herself, but giggles kept coming up. "I gotta-heh-sit him down and talk to him. He was too damn quiet. I should've seen this coming!"
Ritsuko grinned. "Misato, I think we found our backup plan."
Two days later, the recovery effort was taking place.
Unit-01's core had cables running in and out of it. Technicians initiated ego reconstruction and plug ejection, in hopes that Shinji would come out.
After the process completed, there was a flash of light, and all that fell onto the catwalk was an empty, LCL-soaked plugsuit.
It made Misato emotional, but she stopped herself from tearing up. Ritsuko walked away from the Eva cage and handed her the phone. "Do what you need to do."
With purpose, Misato strode onto the catwalk, stopping at the centre. She looked up at Unit-01 and steeled herself.
She cleared her throat. "Well, Shinji, you wanted to be difficult, so we're going to have to do this the hard way. I didn't want it to come to this, but you leave me no choice!" Misato unlocked the phone and went to the browser history. "Wow, Shinji! You sure do have some interesting ways to pass the time! Like this! 'MILF Gangbang!?' 'BBW?' 'Bondage?' 'FFM Threesome?' 'Sloppy deepthroat blowjob?' You sure do get busy, Shinji Ikari!"
Within the core of Unit-01, Shinji was oblivious to the outside world. He was being defeated by the angel, and the next thing he knew, he was in this weird place. Scenery seemed to change at the blink of an eye, and he was reliving memories, but also experiencing things he didn't recognize.
Currently, he was walking down a corridor. He was half-certain it was a hallway from his school, but it was empty and a little bit dark, as if the lights were off and the sun was setting. He came to a stop when a room caught his eye.
He could not see inside the room, but a white light was being emitted from it.
Slowly, Shinji approached the room. As he did, he heard a familiar voice slowly get louder.
"-and look at this! 'MILF gets all her holes filled?' how about 'Redhead takes every inch?' that's rather lewd, don't you think, Shinji?"
"Wait a minute," he said to himself. "That's Misato's voice..." Shinji's eyes snapped wide. "Oh no, she found my phone!"
Immediately, Shinji broke into a full sprint, entering the room and following the light.
"Shinji, you're really into some interesting stuff! 'Bondage with pegging and wax play?' I never would've-"
Misato was interrupted by the sound of fast footsteps. She looked up, and Shinji, fully naked, was sprinting towards her.
Before she could react, he ripped the phone out of her hand, throwing it with all of his might.
The phone soared out of the Eva cage.
NERV staff watched as a cell phone whizzed past them, through hallways and somehow making turns. A few times, it ricocheted off of corners, but somehow lost no momentum.
It got through every doorway, all of which were conveniently open.
At the entrance to NERV, a lone guard stood, rifle slung over his shoulder.
The past month had been really quiet, with the absence of any angel attacks. At times it made his job rather boring.
The guard did not even see the rapidly approaching cell phone. Where it came from, he would not know. It connected directly with his head, killing him instantly. He dropped his rifle and hit the floor.
Shinji put his hands on his knees and panted, recovering his breath from such a throw.
Misato crossed her arms, a smile on her face. "Shinji?"
His eyed widened again. He looked up and her, and immediately collapsed on the catwalk.
"Get a team of medics for the Third Child!" she called out.
Shinji slept soundly in his hospital room. Outside of it, Ritsuko looked over a clipboard, Misato at her side.
"Well, Misato, good idea with the phone. You got us a pilot back," she said, smiling.
Misato smiled back. "I'm glad it worked. I rewatched the security footage afterwards. The throw was one thing; I didn't realize how he leapt out of the core before hand. That kid was on a mission, Rits!"
The ladies chuckled. "The wonders of being a horny teenage boy. I can't believe he's seen that much porn," said Ritsuko.
"That's not even the craziest part," Misato retorted.
Ritsuko looked up from her clipboard. "What's the craziest part?"
"All the women in every single video were redheads."
A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this stupid and funny little idea I had. Once again, special thanks to deathbringer374 and Glory-To-Our-August-King for giving me ideas for this thing.