Chapter 14: Talk, Talk, Talk

Seifer stood in the hallway outside one of the second floor classrooms, looking imposing as he surveyed the sea of cadets rushing between classes. He didn't have to teach his own today, and outside of that one time slot he had no idea where Alexandra Heller might be — only that, as a cadet, she probably had a full schedule of classes to attend. He figured he would track her down here eventually.

This plan had the other plus side of allowing him to stand near Quistis's class.

Her voice filtered out into the hallway as she dismissed her students. The authoritative tone she took with them sounded genuine and lived-in now…not the artificially affected one she'd used when he'd been in her class. At the time, he hated that she'd been made an instructor at only eighteen. Hated too the power and acclaim it earned her. But looking back on it, he could see now the other, less enviable things her status as Balamb Garden's golden girl had saddled her with.

Among them, the Trepies.

He eyed a trio of students lurking outside her classroom door, waiting to pounce, and had to suppress a growl of irritation. He was about to walk over and move them on their way when a glimpse of his quarry stopped him in his tracks.

Alexandra Heller was walking alone, a stack of books clutched to her chest. When Seifer started toward her, the crowd parted and she glanced up in time to see him approaching.

Her face flushed pale.

Scared? His mouth twitched in a smirk. You should be.

"Cadet Heller. A word." He pointed to an empty classroom.

She hesitated only for a second. Then, flashing everyone around her a blinding grin, she purred, "Certainly, Mr. Almasy," and strode ahead of him.

Damn it. This already didn't look good. Fully aggravated, he grumbled a curse under his breath and went after her. Once inside the classroom, he wasted no time. "What the fuck is this I'm hearing about a rumor you started on the Garden intranet?" he demanded.

"Rumor?" She blinked innocently.

"The one about me."

"Mr. Almasy…I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes, you do. And you'd better stop playing dumb about it before I lose the last goddamned shred of patience I have left with you."

The mask dropped off her face, just like that, and the real Alexandra Heller shone through: ambitious, determined, and manipulative.

"It's not a rumor," she said tartly. "I heard you talking to Raijin and Fujin the other day before class. I'm just trying to find out all the facts."

"The facts aren't any of your business."

Cadet Heller let out a long, exasperated sigh. "Well, someone ought to make it their business because from what I overheard, this bitch is treating you like shit."

"Watch your language. And don't call her that."

"Why? It's the proper label."

"Cadet…" he growled in warning.

She huffed. "Fine. But I don't see why you should defend her. You could do way better than her, you know."

"You don't even know who she is."

"I have a pretty good idea."

Seifer crossed his arms. "No you don't."

"I keep tabs on you. I know who's been around you more than usual lately. And from the frosty bitch queen attitude, it's pretty obvious who the likely suspect is."

A hint of foreboding made Seifer shiver. Could she really know?

"I told you not to call her that," he snapped, trying to cover up the way she'd unnerved him.

Heller threw up her hands. "Ugh! Fine! But it's gross what she's doing to you. How she's using you and then making you keep quiet about it so that it doesn't affect her reputation. That's why I made the post. Because if she can't bring herself to publicly admit to being with you, then she doesn't deserve to be with you at all."

"She's not using me," Seifer replied. "And even if she was, it's got fuck-all to do with you. So keep your thoughts to yourself, quit watching me like some kind of stalker, and get a life. I don't want to see anymore of this shit connected with you in any way. Got it?"

She scowled at him in response.

"Good. Now get to class." He gestured her out with a sharp wave of his hand. She gave him a rebellious look that let him know this was far from over, then walked out with her chin held high.

Damn it.

Seifer dragged both hands through his hair.

That could've gone better…

He suspected that he'd only made the problem worse by confronting her about it. And, though he didn't want to admit it, she'd made a few good points. Not about Quistis being a bitch, but she was spot on about the secret nature of their relationship and how it reflected upon Quistis's opinion of him. Not to mention the fact that keeping it a secret was entirely unsustainable. Eventually, word would get out. And then she would either deny it completely or be forced to admit to it like some sort of horrific private shame. Neither scenario would leave his self-respect intact…or probably even his job.

Which meant, of course, that he should put and end to the whole thing before it got that far.

Even so, he found himself crossing the hallway, strolling over to her classroom, and peeking inside.

She was sitting at the big desk in the front of the room, squinting through her glasses at her screen while she chewed absently on the end of a pen. It was a different room than the one she'd taught in when he'd been in her class, but the decor was the same, and she looked just as she had back then — absolutely stunning in her dark uniform.

It was little wonder she'd developed a fan club.

He'd loathed the Trepies for so long that for a second he struggled with the idea that he agreed with them on something. But there was one big difference between him and them…

He could kiss her.

And it suddenly became incredibly imperative that he do so. Right here. Right now.

With Cadet Heller's words still ringing in his ears, he strode into Quistis's classroom.

She glanced up with a look of surprise and he braced himself for what would follow. It was the middle of the day in an open classroom. No one was around anymore, all the students having gone to their next class. But still…this was miles away from her dorm room in the middle of the night. If she rejected him, it would answer a lot of his questions.

"Seifer." Her gaze darted to the door, then back to him. "Do you need something?"

Her expression wasn't giving anything away yet, so he walked all the way up to her desk and leaned against it with both hands.

"Yes, actually. I do."

He reached out and took hold of the tie on her uniform. Her blue eyes went wide and her lips parted in the second before he pulled her forward in her seat and leaned across the desk to capture her mouth with his.

She let out a muffled squeak, and then…she softened. Her eyes drifted shut and she let out a pleased sigh. Seifer tilted his head, slanting the kiss, pushing deeper. His thighs pressed against the side of the desk and she rose up partway off her chair until, at length, he finally pulled back.

Quistis licked her lips.

"Is that what you needed?"

He grinned, pleased with her response. "Yeah."

"Any particular reason why?"

He shrugged. "I was outside in the hall and heard you dismiss your class. You've shown up after mine enough times now. Figured it was my turn."

This was all a bit warm and fuzzy for them, and she must have sensed it because when someone walked by outside, Quistis suddenly remembered her professionalism.

"It's good that you're here. I wanted to talk about the mission."

"The mission?"

"The secret one."

"Oh! Right. What about it?"

She sat back in her chair and folded her hands primly upon the desk. Seifer was viscerally reminded of standing in just such a position with her regarding him in the exact same way when he was her student. The power dynamic between them then — her promoted to SeeD years ahead of him, then given direct authority over him despite the fact that they were the same age and had previously been peers — had contributed a lot to his dislike for her and he didn't care for the reminder.

That imbalance was gone now though. To prove it, he walked around the desk to lean against the wall behind it as she talked.

"I've been thinking about it," she said, swiveling in her chair to track his progress around the desk. "And I've decided to request you as my third for the team. It will be you, me, and Squall."

Seifer stuffed his hands in his pockets and tried to look casual rather than hugely relieved. "You were dead set against it yesterday. What made you change your mind?"

"You made some good points. And I'm not so stubborn that I can't admit it. Put simply: I would feel safer with you there."

Was that some kind of admission? Was she trying to tell him that she liked having him around? That she felt safe with him? Or just that she admired his skill as a mercenary?

He couldn't tell.

"When would we leave on this mission?" he asked.

"I touched base with Zell this morning. Things are going well, so we should be able to start the day after tomorrow."

"That soon?"

She nodded. "I'm hoping to have time to do a little more research before hand. But it's hard to get time with the Research Center computers. Zell's trying to squeeze me in, but the timeframes are tight. There's a lot of other stuff going on besides this mission."

"Then maybe Cid should save the damn thing for later," Seifer pointed out.

She frowned. "You don't think we should go?"

"Just saying, it's an awfully dangerous thing to do on short notice with zero intel."

Her eyebrows lifted. "You're not usually afraid to jump straight into battle."

"Yeah, well…risking my own life is a lot different than risking yours."

The statement hung between them and he saw Quistis's throat work as she swallowed hard.

"I…I'm not sure why that would be," she muttered quietly.

"Don't you? I'm not a total hard-ass, you know."

That flustered her even more. When a new message alert chimed on her computer, she was only too eager to turn and read it.

Seifer frowned, miffed.

"I'm sorry," she said. "Can we talk more about this later? I've got quite a few exams left to grade and post before our shift this afternoon. I've got a couple of students for whom this is make or break and they are understandably anxious to get their scores."

"Sure. Later."

He walked out, certain that he knew exactly what "later" would entail, and it wouldn't be talking. At least, not on her part. She'd never been particularly comfortable with bedroom talk. He, on the other hand, couldn't seem to shut up. Especially where she was concerned. And all his big mouth ever seemed to do was dig him a deeper grave.

Feeling like he'd only half-succeeded at everything he'd set out to do today, he went back to his room, hoping to lay low and perhaps get some sleep before his Deep Sea Research Center shift.

He'd only just closed his eyes when the phone on his nightstand rang.

Groaning, he reached out for it.

"What?" he growled into the receiver.

"Hello to you, too, Almasy," came Xu's wry voice. "I love how you always treat your superiors with such courtesy."

"I'm not a SeeD, so you're not technically my superior."

She sighed. "I am today. Come up to my office. We need to talk."

Damn it.

"Be there in a few," he replied and slammed down the phone.

Fifteen minutes later, Seifer flopped down in the chair across from Xu's desk. He made a big production about it — floofing out his coat, spreading his knees obnoxiously wide, and generally taking up as much space as he physically could.

Xu wasn't thrown. She turned her computer monitor toward him and pointed at it with the end of her pen.

"What the hell is this?"

He saw the Garden intranet forums and cursed his luck.

"Did you ask me to come up here to read it for you? You know, you'll never make any progress if you keep relying on other people to do the work for you. Try sounding out the words, one at a time."

"Oh, knock it off. You know what I'm talking about. You're the one who flagged this post."

"I'm assuming you mean Cadet Heller's?"

"You assume correctly."

"And the problem is…? I think it should be pretty damn clear why I flagged it."

"It is. What's got me concerned is the rest of the thread. Did you read it?"

He hadn't. But he could guess what was there.

"Is there something going on with you and this cadet?" Xu asked.

"Hyne, Xu. No! What the fuck do you think I am? It's just a stupid rumor."

"I don't know what you are, Seifer. But everyone else in Garden sure seems to think there's something to it."

"They're wrong."

Xu arched a doubtful eyebrow. "It says here that this girl has been flirting with you for months. That she often stays after class. That she's bragged to other cadets about doing 'extra training' with you. And that you often single her out for special attention."

"If I single her out, it's because she's a mess when it comes to combat and needs constant correcting."

"Not according to her transcript. All her previous combat instructors gave her good marks."

"Then they're idiots who should be fired. Or maybe they lied to pawn her off on someone else. But there's no extra training going on. And when she tries to stay after class, I send her on her way. I'm not having an affair with her. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a goddamned child predator."

Xu leaned back in her chair and gave him a long look. "If she's been trouble in your class, why haven't you reported it?"

"Because I didn't want to make it look like I couldn't handle it and end up losing my job."

"Guess that worked out well for you." Xu sighed. "Look…I'm going to pass this issue on to Squall. He's the one overseeing your position. And I'm going to advise him to keep an eye on this. On you."

"I'm not—!"

Xu held her hand up for silence and Seifer clamped his mouth shut, his teeth gritted.

"Believe it or not, I'm on your side here. I've known you for a long time, Seifer. And you're awful. But I don't think you're this particular brand of awful."

"Uh…Thanks?"

"Still, these rumors aren't going to go away. It needs to be handled before anyone higher up hears about it. Squall might go to bat for you, but I think we both know what little good it would do."

Because everyone else wanted him gone. And this nonsense with Cadet Heller would give the faculty heads just the excuse they needed to dispose of him.

"I'm working on it," he assured her.

"Work harder. Don't ever be alone with her. Be on your best behavior. Don't give anyone the slightest fuel to use against you."

"Got it."

"Good. In the meantime, I'm going to move her out of your class."

"Wouldn't that look bad?" Seifer asked. "Like there might be something to the rumors? A lot of people will just see it as confirmation."

"Leaving her with access to you seems even worse to me."

"Not if I handle it right. Squall can monitor my class to confirm nothing is happening. And then everyone will see it's bullshit."

"Squall could come by sometimes, but not every day."

"Okay then. How about Quistis?" Seifer asked.

Xu's gaze sharpened. "Why Quistis?"

"Because she's been dealing with the Trepies for years. She'll get it."

His explanation did not ease the keen expression on Xu's face. She regarded him for a moment, then said, "Quistis would be a great choice, but your class falls into her prep period. Tell you what. How about I do it myself?"

Seifer cringed inwardly at the thought of Xu attending his every class to watch over him. "You really think that's necessary?"

"I do. In fact, I insist."

He groaned and sank deeper into his chair. "Fine."

Xu brought up her calendar on the computer and blocked his class off on it. "There. Now, I suppose you'd better go get ready for your Deep Sea shift."

Seifer heaved himself up out of the chair. "Yes, Ma'am."

"Actually, wait. Before you go—" Her voice made him pause on his way toward the door. "I've got one last question."

"What?"

"Cadet Heller seems awfully convinced that you're involved with someone in Garden." Xu's eyebrows drew together and she fiddled uncomfortably with her pen in one hand. "So…are you?"

"That's none of your business."

"It is if it's someone inappropriate."

He crossed his arms. "I'm not breaking any regulations. That's all you need to know."

Xu stared at him for a second, her look calculating, then nodded. "All right. That'll do then. For now."

That for now sounded as foreboding as anything Seifer had ever heard, so he wasted no time fleeing Xu's office and anything else she might want to talk about.

Quistis genuinely liked Rika Sato, but she dearly wished her teammate would stop talking. Her head had already been buzzing long before their shift and she didn't have any room left in it for Rika's confused and fumbling relationship with Nida. Not that they had anything else to do while they stood sentry on the third floor of the Deep Sea Research Center except for chat. Rika seemed determined to fill the void.

Across from her, she saw Seifer rub his temples in an irritation that mirrored her own.

Warmth suffused her at finding them both, for once, on the same page.

Kind of like this morning, when he'd walked unexpectedly into her classroom.

For a few seconds as he'd leaned down and kissed her, it had been like nothing between them had changed. His lips on hers had been easy and warm and surprisingly comfortable. He'd acted like they were a real couple. And, for a few brief moments, she'd believed it.

She still didn't know what to make of it. But those seconds had been wonderful. And now that she'd gotten a taste of what her life could be, she couldn't stop thinking about it. Imagine: someone to come back to at the end of a day, someone who was more than a friend, who would always be there with love and passion and care. She'd never had anyone in her life like that. Her birth parents had died. Her adopted parents had abandoned her. And Garden had only valued her insomuch as she earned her keep.

But Seifer was different.

Maybe…

She sighed, wishing she could be sure about what was in his heart.

A shout from Zell startled her out of her reverie.

"Yo, Quisty!" He waved her over toward the console he was standing at. "Want some computer time?"

She turned to her team to make her excuses but Seifer waved her away before she could speak. "It's fine. Go. We got this."

Tossing a quick smile of thanks over her shoulder, she rushed over to Zell.

He slapped the console with a solid thwack. "This should give you access to everything you need. We've got most of it online now. The interface is touch screen, but that's not working so you'll have to use key commands. We've got a cheat sheet up on the wall." He pointed to a large poster sized sheet of butcher paper with command lines written on it in thick, black marker.

"That doesn't look too difficult. I think I can handle it," Quistis said.

"All right. You can stay as long as you need…or until we're done," he told her. "We'll be wrapping up today. This last bit was less of a mess than anticipated. So we're still totally on track for your mission to start the day after tomorrow."

One day to do all her research, plus whatever she could fit in before the end of the day today. Considering the size of the Deep Sea Research Center's archives, it wasn't nearly enough. But she'd have to make do.

"Okay. Thanks, Zell."

He nodded. "I'll leave you to it. Let me know if you need help."

With that, he left her to work.

Taking a deep breath, she looked at the screen and wondered where to begin. So many of her questions remained unanswered, and she could hardly decide which to tackle first. Concrete details on the blue magic monster seemed the most pressing, so she set out in search of them.

Time passed by in a blur as she dug deeper and deeper into the database.

About the blue magic monster, she found little solid intel. Only one researcher who saw it lived to tell the tale, and as a scientist rather than a soldier the details she noted were not particularly useful for battle. She described it as "not exceptionally large" and "pale." In terms of body shape, she reported that it was dragon-like, though without wings or scales — which Quistis felt left very little that could possibly be dragon-like about it.

Spell-wise, she said that it cast something that caused "bright flashing lights" and smelled "otherworldly and foul." She speculated that the magic involved might be similar to an ultima spell but was adamant that it was not anything she had ever seen or heard of before.

The rest of what the scientist detailed concerned taxonomy. The researchers had been trying very hard, it seemed, to organize the world's monsters into family trees, hoping to untangle the mysteries of their evolution. The scientist that saw the monster believed it belonged to the dragon family — along with ruby dragons, hexadragons, grendels, and Bahamut (whom she termed "king of dragons"). Another rival scientist however thought it was probably more closely related to the malboro/ochu family and the two of them had apparently spent an awful lot of time and energy debating the point.

Grumbling in frustration, Quistis skipped past yet another dragon vs malboro argument that came up in her search results.

When her team's shift ended, Seifer came up behind her, briefly touched her shoulder, and murmured, "Find anything useful?"

"Not really. Unless you're interested in the evolutionary history of the development of scales."

"Uh…is it relevant in any way to how difficult they are to hack through with a sword?"

"That's not something they take into account. No."

He frowned and glanced at her screen. Behind him, everyone else on her team was leaving, their replacements flooding in. Seifer looked uneasy for a moment, then asked, "Do you need any help? I could stay…"

"You want to stick around here and read through files?" she asked in surprise.

"Hey. It's my neck on the line, too, you know."

Quistis desperately wanted to ask him if there was any other reason he might want to linger. If it had anything to do with her. But out of the corner of her eye, she saw Xu come down the stairs and pause, taking in the sight of them standing together with a vaguely suspicious glint to her eye.

"No. I've got this," she told him. "You and Squall can both help tomorrow once we shift into full mission prep mode."

He gave her a long look, then nodded.

"All right. See you tomorrow then."

He turned and left. For a few seconds, Quistis watched him go, wishing that she was walking along side him, heading off to get lunch together and enjoy the rest of the day rather than standing in an underwater bunker, trying to dig up thirty year old data on a monster that might not even exist anymore.

The direction of her thoughts surprised her considering that she and Seifer were still somewhat at odds. They hadn't talked about their argument. Hadn't discussed what it meant, what they were to one another, or how to move forward. Nor had they talked about the fact that they continued to show up at one another's doors every night.

Quistis knew eventually they would have to. They couldn't keep going on like this.

But she was also afraid that if they talked, she might have to really end it.

And she didn't want to do that.

Giving herself a mental shake, she tried to re-focus on the task at hand. None of the uncertainty around her and Seifer's relationship would matter if they both ended up getting killed trying to track down new forms of blue magic.

She hadn't found anything else worthwhile though by the time Xu announced that it was time for everyone to head back to Garden.

"You're looking aggravated," Xu said to her as she switched off the screen at her station with an unnecessarily hard button jab.

Quistis spun around to face her friend. "That's because I am. Do you know what Cid has asked me to do?"

Xu looked somber. "Yeah. The blue magic mission? I heard about it from Squall."

"Well, I've been trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to be walking into, but there's absolutely nothing useful here."

They started up the stairs together. "It wouldn't be the first time you've tackled an enemy without knowing exactly what to expect. Felt like we were constantly careening from one disaster into another during the war. I'm sure if you can take whatever Ultimecia had to throw at you, then this thing will be no problem."

"I hope so."

They arrived at the ladder that would take them back up to the surface. Xu grabbed hold of the rungs to go up first. "So," she said conversationally as she climbed, "who did you pick?"

"Huh?"

"For your team."

"Oh! Squall and Seifer."

Xu's steps faltered on the ladder and she paused to cast Quistis a sudden glance. "Really? How'd you come to that decision?"

"It makes sense. They're the two hardest hitters in Garden."

"Yeah, but…isn't taking Seifer along just asking for trouble? This seems like a big mission to put on someone who historically has been pretty damn unreliable."

Xu reached the top and Quistis followed her, climbing out into the shattered remains of the containment vessel that had once housed Bahamut. "That was a long time ago," she said, dusting off her hands. "Seifer will do fine. I…I trust him."

"Oh?" Xu said placidly, her mouth smoothing into a tight smile. "When did that happen?"

Apprehension tightened like a claw on Quistis's spine.

"Since we started working together," she answered quickly, hoping to quell whatever suspicions her friend was developing. "He's on my squad."

"I see." Xu trailed after Quistis as they started back up the path that would return them to Garden. "Is that what I saw you two talking about when I started my shift? The mission?"

"He wanted to know if I'd found anything relevant in the database."

Xu let out a soft snort. "Didn't look much like a mission briefing."

"What do you mean?" Quistis asked, trying hard to keep her voice level.

"Well, for one, he was paying way too close of attention. Used to seriously piss me off when he'd ignore me all through the briefing on his field tests, then be surprised when he failed."

Quistis looked up at Garden, looming above her. "A lot has changed since then."

"I guess so. He actually looked interested."

Not sure how to respond to that, Quistis made a non-committal noise and continued on, up through Garden's gates and out of the brisk, sea breeze.

"Did you know that he's seeing someone? Like…romantically?" Xu blurted out as they passed the directory.

"What? Who?"

"Seifer."

Quistis suddenly wished for the sea breeze back to cool the flaming of her cheeks. "No. Why would I know that?"

Xu stopped dead in her tracks. "Oh my God. Is he—" She dropped her voice low and tilted her head so that her chin nearly touched her chest. "Is he Training Center Guy?"

"What?!" Quistis said shrilly. "Why would you—?"

"Holy crap. He is!"

"No! I didn't say that!"

"You don't have to. It all makes sense now. He's teaching his class in the Training Center. That's where you ran into him? And then why you were so desperate to write off the attraction as a side-effect of the aura spell. Why you have been so weird about trusting him…"

Quistis crossed her arms tightly over her chest. "So now do you understand why I reacted to his stupid list the way I did?" she asked. The cat was out of the bag; she figured there was no point trying to shove it back in.

Xu didn't seem to hear the question though, her brain still stuck on coming to terms with her revelation. "It's Seifer," she whispered in astonishment. "Sweet Hyne. You've been sleeping with Seifer."

"Xu! Would you mind not saying that in the middle of the hallway?"

She shook her head, seeming to snap out of it. "You're right. We can't talk about this here. Plus, this requires tea and a place for me to sit the fuck down. I mean…oh my God! C'mon. We'll go back to my room."

Xu grabbed hold of Quistis's hand and speed walked all the way back to her dorm. Quistis had the nagging idea that she ought to be embarrassed at having been found out, but all she felt as her friend dragged her along was relief. Finally, there was someone from whom she didn't have to keep the secret. Someone she could talk to.

When they arrived at Xu's door, she waved it open and then proceeded to go straight over to flip the switch on her electric kettle. From one of her cupboards, she withdrew a bottle full of clear liquid that had the label peeled off.

Quistis eyed it speculatively. "What is that?"

"White rum."

"I thought you were making tea."

"I am. But this conversation requires something with a little more kick."

Quistis stared at her in amazement as she proceeded to steep two cups of black tea. "Can you do that? Just add alcohol to tea?"

Xu shrugged. "I don't see why not."

She poured a liberal helping of rum into both tea cups, followed by a bit of honey, then handed one of them to Quistis. Flopping onto one of her large, overstuffed chairs, Xu took a sip of her own and demanded, "All right. I'm ready. Tell me everything."

"You already know everything up to when I found the list."

"Okay, then start there. What happened after that?"

Quistis shrugged. "We just sort of…kept seeing each other."

"So, you're still a thing?"

"I don't know that we were ever a thing. I mean…" She sighed and looked down into her tea. "It's always been just physical."

Xu scoffed into her tea. "Just physical? Please. Last I heard you were scared to death of getting hurt because you were seriously starting to fall for him."

"Not for him. More for a performance he was putting on."

"I still maintain that's a bullshit argument."

"Even now that you know who I'm talking about? Surely you can see why I have my doubts."

"Yeah. I can. But you're still going back to him anyway. And you told me that you're putting him on your special mission team because you trust him."

"I trust him with my life, not my heart."

"Are you sure about that?"

Quistis shook her head. "I don't get it. Why are you on his side? You don't even like him."

"I'm not on his side. I'm on yours. Trust me, I find it just as surprising as you do that Seifer might have soft, fuzzy feelings underneath all that bravado and bull. But from what you've told me, once he realized that you were interested in him, his response was to sit down with a bunch of books about love, do some research, and then woo the shit out of you. That's pretty romantic."

"I guess so…" Frowning, Quistis took a sip of her tea. The taste made her scowl and set it down.

"Not a fan of the rum?"

"The rum's not the problem. It's the honey."

"Ah. Right. You don't like it sweet. I can make you another one if you want without the honey, but don't think that I'm going to let you change the subject."

"I'm not trying to. I'm just…" Quistis tossed herself back in the chair, throwing her arms out beside her. "To be honest, I don't know what I am anymore."

"I do. You're afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

"Judgement, for one. That's why you've kept all this a secret. Because he's a washed up sorceress's knight who is only tolerated here because he has nowhere else to go, and you're a widely admired war hero with a fan club and a sterling reputation as a good girl. I know you, Quistis. I know how hard you worked to get where you are and how much you fear even the perception of failure. You're afraid of what will happen if you attach yourself to him."

Quistis wanted to deny it. She didn't want to think of herself as that shallow or that concerned with her own self-image, but she'd made a literal career out of avoid missteps and managing other people's perceptions of her. Old habits die hard, and despite herself…Xu was right. She worried what other people might think of her…what they would say behind her back…

"But that's not the primary thing you're afraid of, is it?" Xu continued ruthlessly. "What really terrifies you is the possibility that you might get hurt."

Quistis put a hand over her poor, lashed heart. "Well…shouldn't I be?"

"Not so much that it stops you from living your life. You can never be one hundred percent sure of someone else's intentions. At some point, you just have to decide whether or not to take the risk. Every guy you've ever dated could have broken your heart. That's not something unique to Seifer."

"No, but—" Quistis stopped, realization crashing into her.

"But what?" Xu pressed.

"But I knew that there wasn't actually any risk of those other guys breaking my heart because I wasn't in love with any of them."

"Ah." Xu took a long sip of her tea. "Well. There you go."

The attraction in all her "relationships" had always been one-sided. First her, with Squall. And then her with a string of admirers who she'd allowed to take her out more to get her friends off her back and seem like a normal person than because she found them appealing. Dating had never been a risky endeavor to her because after Squall she had always been in the position of heart-breaker. This thing with Seifer was the first time that it went both ways, and while that made being with him all the more vibrant and exciting, it also left her exquisitely vulnerable.

Because she loved him.

"Damn it," Quistis muttered, rubbing her eyes.

Xu gave her a sympathetic look. "I think you need to talk to him."

"About what?"

"Your feelings. And what you want out of a relationship. Do you know what you want?"

"Yeah. I do."

"Then you need to tell him. At least find out if he's on the same page or not. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache by having that conversation sooner rather than later."

Not if he wants something different than me, Quistis thought to herself. If that was the case, then talking it out would end their relationship forever. But Xu was right. They'd have to discuss it eventually.

She sighed.

"Just so you know," Xu said slowly, twirling a finger around the rim of her teacup, "you don't need to worry about what other people will think. The ones that matter — your friends — will all get behind you. Whether it works out or not. You can trust us. All right? No one is going to abandon you."

Strangely reassured, Quistis reached across the space between them and took Xu's hand. She gave it a tight squeeze. "Thanks."

Xu smiled at her, then twisted her expression into a mischievous grin. "Do you have any idea how hard this is going to hit the Trepies when news gets out? Seifer! Of all people. He used to write them up all the time when he was head of the DC, you know. There's not a person in the world they'll hate you being with more than him."

"That definitely adds a little something his appeal," Quistis admitted with a laugh.

The conversation got lighter from there, and by the time Quistis left to go shower and head down to dinner, she had actually started to believe that it might work out. Talking about the possibility of dating Seifer had transformed it somehow in her mind from wild fantasy to an actual potential reality. It no longer seemed so far-fetched. And she was vibrating with excitement as she got ready for bed that night, certain that he would come.

He did. But not until late. So late, in fact, that she was pulling on socks in order to go to his room when he finally knocked on her door.

Breathless kisses and urgent hands brought them back into her room, over to her bed.

She threaded her hands through his hair with a new sense of wonder. Now she knew: she didn't just desire this man, she loved him. And her newfound awareness changed everything. It made every kiss sweeter, every touch more meaningful. She couldn't bring herself to interrupt it with difficult conversation.

Seifer seemed loathe to disrupt the moment, too. Quieter than usual, he moved with slow, gentle insistence — so carefully controlled that Quistis wondered if he'd noticed a change in her and was responding to it. Could he tell what was in her heart? It was screaming so loud in her chest, she could almost believe that he could hear it.

When he finally went to roll off of her, she held on and followed him instead. They ended up on their sides, facing one another, and Quistis knew this was the perfect opportunity to tell him how she felt and find out if he felt the same.

"Seifer…" she started.

"Hm?" He'd relaxed and sounded hazy with satisfaction.

The words were on the tip of her tongue. But her tongue, it seemed, had things it would rather do than talk. So she kissed him, long and slow. She kept him there until their kisses grew so lazy that sleep threatened to take them both.

Seifer roused himself. "I have to go."

Quistis would not have minded if he stayed, but she didn't stop him. It was terribly late, and she was terribly tired.

Tomorrow. They could talk tomorrow…

Or, on second thought, maybe she should wait until after the mission, just so that they could keep their heads clear.

Yeah. That sounded reasonable.

Only half-awake, she watched him dress and move toward the door. He was almost there when he paused, turned around, and walked back over to her. He swept a bit of hair back off her forehead, then cupped her face in his big hand.

"Goodnight," he murmured, his thumb stroking her cheek.

Not exactly the talk she'd intended to have with him, but in her sleep-addled state she thought that the affection in his tone said a lot.

And for tonight, at least, it said enough.