This was, to the naked eye, just a boy getting on in his teenage years, getting interested in real girls and not the pornographic ones on the TV. Boys of fourteen and fifteen were expected to follow high-rise skirts with their eyes, rake over naked, pliant legs with imaginary hands, too pussy-footed to touch real skin, lest wrists draw back bloody stumps and future endeavors become null. To the naked eye, this was a boy going on a date with a cute girl, teenage anxiety be damned.

The reality, perhaps, was a tad darker.

Because dating other people was what somebody did after a breakup, right? Hah, not that there was a relationship to break apart. It was more like molasses; he stuck to the hand he wanted to hold, came back and held tighter whenever the person on the other end furiously shook their hand to be free of him. Some people, like Morel, would say he was resilient; most people, like his grandfather, like Kurapika, and yes, even himself, would say it was pathetic. And it was, he was. For holding on even when he wasn't wanted, for following even when he wasn't needed, for loving him even when it was a useless, hopeless, one-sided struggle. Gross, it was so gross. The him of 3, maybe 4 years past, before he struck his mother and descended the tunnels of the Hunter Exam, would have rolled his eyes at him. Even a fool could see your devotion is meaningless. What good is it to waste time on petty infatuations if you don't even get anything out of it? Yeah, he could hear his own voice clearly, echoing, distant and cold under long-dug-up-and-filled dirt, knocking against the shallow grave like knuckles against a door.

And there was some sense to it. He had friends that weren't him, he had Alluka, he had crazy powerful abilities that few in the world could even hope to combat. He was worth something, worth a lot to the people he'd surrounded himself with. He was so far above harping on some ridiculous crush when there was no chance of… no chance of his feelings being returned. Gon himself had made that more than clear, already. You have it easy, Killua. Since this means nothing to you. I'm more important to you than you are to me, Killua. If he was hanging on hopelessly, it was because Gon was simply so enamoring that he couldn't help but love him, not for some misguided false sense of hope that Gon would ever, ever feel the same way.

This was simply the way they were. He loved, adored, would do anything for Gon; Gon cared about him. Simple as that. He wasn't bitter about it. He held no ill-will for the difference. But he'd be lying if he said it didn't hurt. Especially recently. Especially earlier, in the hotel lobby with girls crowding Gon, drooling at his arms, his chest, his smile. He let them get closer. He let them touch him. He seemed to enjoy it, whatever meaningless conversation they'd drummed up. He wasn't looking at Killua, wasn't thinking that the sight of his hands on a girl with sensuality in her eyes might hurt him. Gon might have known why they'd crowded him? After all, he'd been on dates, before, had probably done things on those dates Killua had only ever- er, watched? Imagined? Fiery, smoking, smearing green coiled in his stomach.

But, then again, Gon was equally as likely to be oblivious to anything but the attention itself. He might have thought they were being friendly, or maybe they were fans.

Killua'd had Alluka under his arm; if any of those girls thought about it, they were likely dissuaded by the presence of another girl.

He'd grabbed the room keys and left Gon to his own devices, eager, maybe desperate, to get away from the way he smiled at girls who weren't him.

It was that feeling of which disgusted him so vehemently, the pity he felt purely for himself and his own forsaken love, that drove him out the door to their hotel room no more than fifteen minutes later. Because he was Killua Zoldyck. He was a master strategist, a star martial artist, a Pro Hunter, and he was not going to sit around feeling sorry for himself while he waited for Gon to come home (to him, his friend) like some puppy-eyed housewife. He was not his mother. His world did not revolve around Gon anymore, dammit. He was pretty attractive, too, and he knew it! Pretty was synonymous with his family (Milluki excluded, maybe, definitely). If Gon could catch flies with his honey eyes, maybe he could pull even more tail with sweet, creamy sugar.

He decided he'd get over him.

He'd patted Alluka on the head, smiled at her and told her he was going out to buy some groceries. They'd need the usual twenty packs of ramen, cookies, chocorobos, beef, chips; they'd be in this town for a while. Alluka, innocent as she was, smiled at him and purred when his hand met her head and messed her hair. Hopefully, if she saw anything in him, she saw the renewed fire in his eyes. He waved goodbye, one hand in his pocket, and took the elevator down to the lobby. He tried not to think about how he hadn't crossed paths with Gon on his way out.

He was no stranger to stalking; in fact, it was the one thing left over from his days as an assassin that still felt real and right and natural. Walking the shadows with his hood pulled over his head, watching ever-inconstant faces pass him by, carrying on. Picking a target was new, but finding them in a crowd was not. Good thing was he already had an archetype to draw on- a busty girl, cinched waist, red lips with a lot of headroom (in more ways than one), maybe purple hair if he got really lucky. A smile inched across his face, and he nodded his head, yes, this was a good plan. Lots of girls passed him by, too young, too mature, too stuck-up, too loose. Some girls bounded by with flat chests, while others had the chest but reminded him so thoroughly of Bisky that he nearly upchucked into his mouth. And when he found the girl, it wouldn't be too difficult to ask her out on a date, probably, maybe. He'd seen enough movies to know the basics, right? A hand boxing her in, a smile, bedroom eyes, a purr in her ear- Let me take you out and show you a good time.

… Ah, there was steam boiling out from his ears. Maybe not that exact approach.

It took maybe an hour to find his target. Maybe a little flatter than he'd have liked, but she was still all curves, and hey! Her hair was purple, which canceled out the not-exactly-but-pretty-close-to-brown lipstick she wore. He'd taken a moment, before he stepped out, to think about what he would say. Ask her to the movies? Was there a theater around here? How would he introduce himself, should he drop his own surname and hope it's more of a turn-on than a turn-off that sent her trembling as she ran away? He bit down on his bottom lip and walked into the dimly lit streets of the city. What was he going to do?

Turns out, not much, because he no sooner tapped her on the shoulder than she turned around and went pink. "O-Oh, hello!" He'd… already had her smitten?

Yeah, that'd been what it was, all right. She cupped her hands in front of her, upper arms pressing up against her breasts to make them look all the rounder. From side to side, she shifted, glancing up at him from under her eyelashes. Oh yes, he'd nailed his selection. Perfect execution, as per usual when it came to him. He asked her for her hand the following night, smirked at her and gave her the slited, narrowed eyes that he'd seen the protagonists in the movies do. She'd accepted, too flustered to give him any other answer.

Well, the reality was that he'd fumbled over himself and chuckled nervously through his attempt at the bedroom eyes, which apparently endeared him to her enough that she pressed a hand to his chest and told him she'd love to take him around the city.

"You were gone for a long time," Gon was up waiting for him, perched on the windowsill with one arm wrapped over his hunched knee. He'd nearly paused upon entering the room, mapping the furrowed contours of Gon's face, the way his eyebrows pinched and his lips grew thin. He seemed to eye the bundles of plastic bags in either of his hands, almost like he didn't believe he'd been shopping. Had he been at the window for the whole two hours he'd been gone? Inwardly, he smiled at the thought.

"Ah, sorry about that," he shrugged, not at all sorry and not at all surprised the time had slipped by so quickly. He took careful note of the way Alluka snuggled into her bed, sheets pulled up and over her chin as she squirreled away heat. He set the groceries down slowly, calculatedly lowering them so the cans and glass products would clank. "I met a girl while I was out, and we got to talking for a while."

"EH?!"

He shushed Gon with one finger to his lips, gesturing animatedly to Alluka, who had stirred at the noise but not awoken. He almost reveled in the dumbstruck, mouth-open stare Gon was giving him- actually, not almost. No, the way Gon leaped from his spot at the windowsill, rigid at full attention was so incredibly satisfying. Sure, girls hit on them sometimes, not one ever successful, of course, but they'd never flirted back. (That wasn't true. He'd seen the way Gon set a hand on a girl's shoulder, the way he crookedly smiled at them and the way his voice dipped to be more man, less child. It'd hurt him, so bad. It made him sour, made him withdraw in himself, made his teeth grind because he couldn't say anything, and even if he did, there was nothing to say. Because Gon wasn't his to lose). So of course, the outlier of a situation would stump Gon. They didn't even usually talk about girls, it simply wasn't a desire either of them had chosen to voice. They didn't need to. Interest in girls was kinda obvious, right? Not like either of them would really settle down somewhere, not with Gon's taste for adventure and danger and his attachment to Alluka. He grinned and shrugged, let the smugness seep into his narrowed eyes, his tone, his stretching mouth, "Yep, her name is Adalet, and she's totally cute. Maybe I'll introduce you to her tomorrow before I take her out."

(But he was Gon's for him to lose, and he would).

"Ada-?" Gon blinked once, twice. He could see the cogs struggling to churn in his head. It was almost insulting, really. Was it so hard to believe he'd snagged a hot date? He scoffed and turned his back to him while he got to putting the groceries away. Maybe he needed more time to process Killua on a date with that peabrain of his. He was almost done staking the packs of ramen in the shelf when Gon had finally processed enough of his brain power to speak again, "Killua, you're going on a date?"

"Mmhm."

"Killua!" Gon was radiant with excited energy, fists bunched, wide smile. Another dart to the chest. He almost wished he was back there with a thousand of them in his skin. It would hurt exponentially less. He was immune to the poison of a thousand cuts, but he'd soaked himself in Gon's virulent elation even though it cut like apathy. "Tell me more about her!"

"What else is there to say? She's cute, and we're going on a date."

"Right, right, but where are you going? It has to be romantic! Make sure you buy her something pretty, okay? Oh! Or cook for her!"

"With what kitchen?! We have a microwave and a bathroom countertop, you idiot!"

"Ah, hah hah! You're right. Definitely buy her something, then. Ooh, and take her to see that big lake at sunset, okay? I heard the fireflies really come out, wouldn't it be perfect?" Like his date with Palm. Like the dates he probably went on with a bunch of women. The dates he would one day (soon) go on and spare not a thought about Killua because Killua was Killua, and he didn't care about him like that.

"Like I need your help," he prayed that sounded like his regular snark, not the hurt, bitter words they really were. "I don't even need to do all that mushy stuff for her. She's already suuuper into me! We've already kissed, you know! She was all over me!" And he was teetering into lie territory- crashing into it headfirst in an explosion of deceit, really, but it didn't matter. "She'd probably let me do whatever I wanted without putting in all of that effort! Stuuupid!" And that was also a lie, because he just wanted a normal date, something sweet, maybe a dinner. But he couldn't stop spouting vulgarities, like Leorio drunk on three bottles of wine. He didn't think this stuff! Of course not! He'd kill the man who ever talked about Alluka like that, so why was he talking like this, now?

"Killua," Gon mumbled, and the face he gave them then almost looked mad. Mad? About what? But he was definitely mad, with those down-turned brows, the scrunch of his button nose, that way he glared up at him with his head tilted down, "... it sounds like this girl isn't really special to you. You should treat her properly."

"Does she need to be special?" And he hadn't meant to say that out loud. Those were his true thoughts, how he really felt about this girl, about this situation. It didn't matter the kind of date they went on, the things they did, what they ate, what was said. What mattered was that she kept his mind off Gon, who didn't really need him. Gon, who talked a big talk about him being his best friend, just to be okay with letting him go. Gon, who would eventually realize he could have any girl he wanted and blindside him with a whirlwind romance and leave him stranded in his Just Married taillights. Stupid. How stupid. Such a heartless thing to say and it's because it came from a burrowed-out heart.

Gon seemed aghast at the idea, confused, smoke seeping from his ears as he struggled to wrap his brain around the idea that maybe this girl wasn't special to him. But she could be. If he played his cards right, maybe he'd fall out of love. He sighed, turned his back on Gon, again.

"Look, I only brought it up because I might need you to look after Alluka for the night. I could be away until the morning, ya know."

"The… morning? Huh? Why would you be gone…?"

He rolled his eyes, "Stupid."

It wasn't until he laid in the futon at the end of Alluka's bed that he realized exactly why he'd spouted fantastic, crude lies- some foolish, spiteful part of him wanted to make Gon jealous. And it hadn't worked.

Author's Note ~ Another angsty piece where Gon's gonna have to do something if he doesn't wanna lose Killua! I wanted to write something to reflect what things might be like when Killua and Gon get old enough that there is an interest in girls, because in current canon, they're not quite there yet, though Killua arguably may be lol But we already know Killua's feelings are more developed than Gon's are in the romance field, so is that really surprising anybody?

But what happens when Gon catches up and actually starts seeing girls for being girls? Well, jealous, in-unrequited-love Killua would absolutely see it as a challenge. But that in and of itself would trigger something in Gon, wouldn't it? Because at the end of the day... that's another person to share Killua with, and he can't have that.

There are four parts to this, but you can find a link to the second part two weeks early on my tumblr at iamwhelmed