A/N: Continuing the retelling of the early part of Season 3, from Sarah's point of view. This time we're in S3E2, but will diverge part way through this chapter.
Thanks for the reviews. A number of you were upset with the dialogue in the last chapter. I'd pointed out that was unchanged from the show. I essentially gave Sarah's comments some context with her thoughts and feelings; just showing her perspective. She may be wrong about some things, but it will reflect what she is thinking and feeling. For those annoyed with her being that upset and thinking those things, well, that's how I would expect her to feel after the heartbreak she suffered. She's also not used to real relationships, so is experiencing this pain for the first time. In the state she's in, logical thinking is unlikely to happen. Be kind to her, she's heartbroken.
The reactions on the Chuck Fanfiction Facebook group were even stronger. Some quite upset me. Obviously everyone is entitled to their opinion. I just need to ignore the ones that upset me. So, I may not reply to all reviews, nor respond to comments on Facebook. Sorry.
I'll continue this story, as I promised I would to Rafa Silva, who suggested the concept of Chuck trying to win her back.
On a lighter note, another thank you to JohnnyRayChandlett for pre-reading and his suggestions on how I could improve it. Thanks to him, Sarah is certainly less angry than she would have been.
I have no beta for this, so if you spot anything I should correct, PM me on FanFiction.
Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck or make money from it. If I had, back then, none of this would have happened.
Prove Yourself
Chapter 2 - Talking
Sarah is standing at the bar in a night club, talking to her friend who has dropped by.
She says, "God, it feels like I haven't been off duty in years. How long you in town for, anyway?"
"I plan on getting out quick. Los Angeles has all the cultural panache of a Porta Potti."
Sarah laughs as she raises her glass for a drink. "I've missed you."
Carina asks, "So, why are you still here? How long can you possibly have to protect some doofus at a stereo store?"
Sarah is really trying to forget about work and particularly about Chuck. With a pained expression, she says, "You know, I don't really want to talk about work."
Carina immediately responds, "Ah, so you're sleeping with him."
Trying not to look sad, Sarah takes a sip of her drink and replies, "We have a very professional relationship."
Carina just looks at her for a while. "Oh."
Sarah looks at her, shocked that Carina would think that. "What?"
"Nothing. You're just really into him, that's all."
Sarah knows that Carina knows her too well to be able to fool her with the 'work' excuse, so she doesn't try. "Can we please not talk about Chuck?"
Carina looks at her, shocked. "Oh, my God, Walker."
Sarah can detect an undertone of worry in her friend's voice, in addition to her ever-present sneer. "What?"
"You broke the cardinal rule of spying, didn't you?"
Sarah knows exactly what Carina means by that. She looks away and slugs back her drink. Maybe coming out for a drink with Carina wasn't such a good idea!
Some time later, Sarah spots Chuck across the room. God! I can't get away from him!
Unfortunately, in no time, he appears next to them and immediately starts talking, "Hey! Hi… hi, Carina, long time."
Carina replies, "Wow, what a nice surprise."
He turns to face Sarah. "And Sarah, good to see you tonight."
He'll never becomes a spy with moves like that... wait, I don't want him to become a spy... wait, I don't care whatever he does.. as long as he's far away from me.
With these thoughts swirling around in her head, she also feels annoyed with him for being here. She just wants him to leave, so responds, "Chuck, what are you doing here? Are you spying on me?"
Chuck stumbles as he starts his reply, "I don't, uh, no. I'm just out here for an innocent evening with an old friend. Yeah, we're just out here soaking in the sights and sounds and whatever the evening may bring."
She replies, but without really meaning it, "Great."
A man grabs Carina from behind.
Carina tells them, "This is my fiancé, Karl."
Turning to Karl, she points at them and says, "Sarah Walker, my best friend. And Chuck, her boyfriend."
Chuck, puts an arm around Sarah's shoulders. It strangely feels good to have his arm around her. She admonishes herself for feeling that, because at the same time it brings the pain back.
He fumbles his reply, digging himself deeper and deeper. Sarah has to go along with it.
Karl eventually says, "Love really has made me a better man." He kisses Carina's cheek, then turning back to them, says, "What about you, Chuck?"
Chuck is obviously surprised to be asked, but smiles. "What about me? Oh, love! Yeah, love. Love is a powerful tonic." He looks at Sarah. "Is it not?"
Feeling like she wants to be swallowed up, because she is realizing that's exactly what she's suffering from, along with the broken heart associated with it, she smiles back at him with daggers in her eyes.
As Karl leaves, Chuck has obviously noticed something. Sarah sees him flash.
Carina turns back to them and Chuck immediately blurts out, "Carina, I hate to be the one to tell you this. Karl is not who you think he is. He's a bad man, he's a... "
Carina cuts him off. "He's an arms dealer. Yeah, my mark." She chuckles. "What? You think I'm an idiot?"
She looks at Sarah. "It's the cardinal rule: Spies don't fall in love."
Sarah is now really feeling her friend is stabbing her with these barbed comments. Carina knows how she is feeling and is both reminding her why it is wrong and having a dig at her whilst doing so. Doing it in front of Chuck as well!
Sarah can't believe Carina said that. She didn't want Chuck to know that. Why don't I want him to know that?
Looking at the both of them, Carina finishes, "Welcome to your new mission." With that, she walks away from them.
Sarah watches him turn to her, frowning. He's obviously reacting to that cardinal rule, "Spies don't fall in love."
One voice in her head is telling her, "But you do, Sarah." Another voice is saying, "And look what that got you."
Sarah, Chuck and Carina are in Castle, with Casey joining them. They're looking at General Beckman on the monitor.
"Agent Miller has been working undercover for the CIA, playing the girlfriend of suspected arms smuggler, Karl Stromberg."
Carina walks in front of them. "We've learned ten million dollars was recently wired into Stromberg's account. We don't know what this weapon is, but someone's willing to pay a lot of money for it."
Chuck chirps up, "Well, we gotta get it before it falls into enemy hands. "
Carina immediately replies sarcastically, "Thanks for being on the case, Nancy Drew."
Sarah can't see his face, but can imagine how he'd take that.
Carina continues, "My engagement party is today at Karl's house. Sarah and Chuck will enter as my best friend and her loving boyfriend, the cover that they established at the club."
The General has obviously noticed something about Chuck's expression. "Mr. Bartowski, that a problem?"
Sarah turns and sees Chuck shake his head. "I'm cool. No problemo."
Carina pats Casey on the shoulder as she passes him. "And Casey will pose as my father."
Sarah stops listening to their banter, she's thinking about having to behave like Chuck's loving girlfriend. She can act most parts, but that will be hard for her, after what has happened. In the past, she would have wished they were thousands of miles away, actually being lovers. Such wishful thinking is behind her now.. He ruined any chance of that in Prague.
To be honest, right now she feels that he not only forfeited his chance to be her real boyfriend, but also the option to act as her boyfriend in cover. She knows it's being unreasonable, but she feels the need to cut him off completely.
She listens as Carina talks about the mission objectives. "Karl's storing the weapon in a gold case inside a vault room adjacent to his bedroom. During Karl's toast, Sarah and Chuck will slip out, break in and apprehend it. He keeps the access key to the secured area in his pants, which I can easily access."
Casey snipes at her, "Oh, I'll bet you can."
Carina ignores him. "Karl also just installed a state-of-the-art security system in the vault room. So, I hope the two of you can handle anything you find there."
Chuck comments, "Uh, 'any' is kind of a broad word."
Sarah pretends to gaze at him fondly. "Chuck is just being modest. His recent training has equipped him to handle any security obstacle. There won't be a problem." Her words deliberately reminding him of his failure in training. His eyes show that he has received the message, which she takes with silent satisfaction.
Carina replies, " Better not be."
The General finishes the call, saying, "This whole mission rides on you, Chuck."
He mutters, "What a surprise."
Sarah has just checked with Chuck that he's going to be ready. She and Carina are putting on their clothes, secreting their knives on their legs before pulling on their dresses.
Sarah is trying to focus on the mission. She's never had a problem with this before, but going partnered with Chuck, now, is going to be hard.
She hears Carina behind her say, "Here. This charm bracelet looks like what some sucker in love might wear."
Sarah knows exactly what she's talking about. She does not want to wear that bracelet! "Uh... No, it's not really my thing."
Carina then says, "You want to talk about what happened with him?"
Sarah ignores that. It's the last thing she wants to talk about.
Carina comments, "When we wrap this mission, maybe you should come with me on my next assignment. I know it's not Burbank, but, uh... We can make the best of Saint-Tropez. Right?"
Sarah would love to go to Saint-Tropez, but only with the right company. That would have been the man who broke her heart! If she wasn't a spy, and he wasn't aspiring to be one, would he have wanted to go there with her, or even be with her at all?
Looking at her friend, she asks, "Do you ever wonder about a different life?"
Carina looks at her strangely. "You mean, like... if all this was real? If we were really getting ready for my engagement party?"
Sarah nods, "Yeah."
Carina cocks her gun and replies, "No."
Sarah needs to stop thinking things like this. She is never destined for such a future and certainly not with him.
Sarah is standing next to Chuck at the venue with Carina and Karl in front of them.
As she expected, she is finding this hard. She wants to just take Chuck away from this and talk to him. Really talk. Maybe get the real answers. Maybe then she'll be able to either move on or, as she'd really like, forgive him and get together with him. For real.
She looks at the pair in front of her and, while mentally gritting her teeth for having to do something like this, says, "Congratulations. You two are going to have the most amazing life."
Chuck chips in, "You are a very lucky man, Karl."
Karl smiles and replies, "Thanks, Chuck. I'm sure you're going to be next at the altar."
While both Sarah, and Chuck, chuckle at that, it still hurts her. What makes it worse is Chuck's reply. "I'd be the happiest guy in the world."
So, why didn't you come with me?
Sarah actually says, " He really would be." They all laugh, but, but Sarah held back the rest of the sentence that she would like to say to Chuck, ...but now you'll never find out!
To Sarah it really is not funny. Heartbreaking!
Sarah is scanning the room and spots where to go. She tells Chuck, "Master bedroom access point is at your 6. We'll move when the room is distracted by the toasts."
Chuck obviously isn't listening. What he says is nothing to do with the mission. "Sarah, listen. I feel like there's been this- this thing... hanging over us. You know, ever since Prague, and I mean, I miss you."
Sarah can't listen to this right now. They're on a mission, for God's sake!
But he's off in his own world, and not mission focused at all. "I miss us. I miss this."
Sarah is trying to keep focused.
"Yeah. Look, what I'm trying to say is that even though we're on a mission, it feels good to hang out together, to talk as friends. You know, kind of like we did before."
He looks at her expectantly. "Well, what do you think?"
She coldly replies, "It's just a cover, Chuck." She walks away, upset again. Why can't he be professional for once? And why do I wish it wasn't a cover?
She notices Carina going to him and obviously telling him off. He is ruining this mission with his lack of focus. Sarah then sees Carina walking away from him and him looking stunned. Oh God! What has she said to him?
Chuck comes rushing up to her. "Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Carina said something to me, and I know it's not the best time, but I really need to talk to you."
Sarah really does want to know what Carina said, but if they screw this up, they'll be in trouble and the mission will fail. "Chuck, we need to focus on the mission." She turns away, wishing that she could do more than turn away; start a new life far away from it all, and particularly him, like in Australia. That might stop these unrealistic wishes that keep coming into her head.
As she walks, she reaches back and grabs his hand, pulling him along with her. "Carina's getting the key. Come on."
Carina is hugging Karl as Sarah walks passed them. Carina passes her the key. Sarah doesn't slow down.
They get upstairs and are walking across the bedroom floor. Sarah is ahead of him, but hears him start up again, "Please, can we talk for just a quick second?"
Always wanting to talk at the least appropriate time!
She quickly snaps, "No time."
This has already taken longer than it should. Talking to Carina, she says, "Carina, we just got to the vault. We need more time."
On opening the door to the vault, Sarah sees a room with red lines wavering around. Sensors. Shit!
Chuck says, "No way. Sarah, there's no way… I can't get around all these beams without setting the alarm off. It's impossible."
Sarah tries to calm him down. "Okay, you can do this. The Intersect can do this. Just focus and don't think of anything else. Just relax."
He starts to ramble. "Okay. Relax. Okay." Then he seems to give up. "I'm not flashing, Sarah. Maybe if we could just talk for a second..."
Take a deep breathe. Another of his inappropriate moments. I'll get him to focus.
"Okay, Chuck. I am right here, and we can talk about whatever you want to talk about, later. We just have to get our hands on that weapon first. We'll talk, I promise."
He flashes and she then watches with amazement as he makes his way across the room. He gets to the case and slides it across the floor. He then does the amazing move back and picks up the case.
Swinging the case, he says, "Okay. Now we can talk."
However, his lack of focus is back again and he swings the case into one of the beams of red light. The door shuts between them and the alarm is set off.
Sarah cries out, "Oh, no! Damn it!" She can't believe what he'd done.
I know he's no agent, and a civilian could make mistakes under pressure, but he's a smart guy. How can he just forget everything and do something so stupid?
She knows she has to save him, but to her own amazement she finds she WANTS to save him.
She hears Chuck panicking. "I don't like small spaces!"
She's trying to open the door with the access panel and says, "Just keep breathing, Chuck. You're going to be fine."
He shouts, "Gas, gas, gas! There's gas in here! Sarah, I'll be taking exclusively short breaths from here on out!"
Sarah can't get the access card to work and looks around. She sees a panel in the ceiling. "Hold on, Chuck. I'm going to get you out of there."
She climbs up and pushes the panel up, then pulls herself up into the space above.
As she pulls herself up, she can hear Chuck rambling. "Sarah, I don't want to regret not telling you everything I need to tell you. Look, I'm... I'm not a normal spy. You know that. I know..."
She hears no more after that. Why can't he just shut up and take those small breaths he said he would? Then he'd take in less of the gas!
This causes her to release an exasperated sigh. Even a civilian would know that much!
She sees the gas tank at the end of the narrow tunnel and moves along to it as fast as she can. She finds a lever on the pipe and turns it. It's very stiff and very hard to turn, but, wincing, she continues until she's turned it off.
She gets back to the hatch and sees two men, one keying in the sequence on the pad that will open the door to the vault.
She drops the first thing she finds and the men look down.
Dropping down, she kicks both men and finally has them both knocked out.
Looking at the pad, she hopes the sequence has been completely keyed in and presses enter.
The door opens and Chuck falls into her arms saying, "Sarah... I love you."
She's shocked at this admission and, for a while, just stands there, with an unconscious Chuck in her arms. Does he really love me?
They're back in Castle. Chuck is asleep in the room by the side of the Conference area.
Sarah is trying to keep busy and not think about what Chuck said. She doesn't believe it, but it has unsettled her. Again.
The general is on the screen, talking to them as they work. " Good job recovering the weapon. How is the asset doing?"
Sarah replies, "He'll live."
Casey starts asking questions, but Sarah tunes that out. Concentrate!
Carina calls to her and she turns to her friend. "Hey, Walker. I'm leaving tonight for Saint-Tropez. Did you think about my offer?"
It would be good to get away. Clear her head. Being with Carina would be fun. The life she leads would be full of drinks, dancing, boys and fun. No sadness, forgetting everything in the past. Him.
Why don't I just say yes?
She says, "I'm still considering it."
When Casey and Carina have left, she contacts the general again.
"Agent Walker? everything okay?"
Sarah says, "It's about Chuck's safety."
"I thought he just needed some sleep."
Sarah nods and continues, "Well, it's about me managing Chuck and keeping his emotions in check, so that the Intersect can work. I'm beginning to think I'm more a part of the problem than the solution. And I think a different agent might have more success in training him."
Beckman's face takes on a stern expression. "Let me be clear, Agent Walker. I don't know or want to know what happened between you two. But this is your job, and Chuck's safety depends on you. So, get over it and teach him how to be a real spy."
The call ends abruptly.
Oh God! That's just what I don't want him to be! I want my loveable, sweet, innocent nerd!
She knows they'll have to talk. She had said they would. She'd wanted them too, earlier, about what he did in Prague. Maybe now also about what he said as he fell into her arms.
Trying to prepare herself for the conversation with Chuck, she forces herself to think about how she had felt, at the station.
He had hurt her so badly. No one had hurt her more. Leaving her standing on that platform, bereft, crushed, heartbroken. She had cried herself to sleep for days afterwards.
Now she's been ordered to stay and continue his training to be the very thing she didn't want him to become.
Trying to be honest with herself, she knows that, although continuing the missions had seemed easy, her heart wasn't in it anymore. She now felt dirty when on enticement missions and felt she was a monster when on assassination missions. Chuck had done that to her, changed her.
However, thinking that also brings back the feelings of betrayal, abandonment, heartbreak.
She should be training him. To fight, if nothing else, but instead, she pulls him off the bed, where he was obviously listening and pretending to be asleep. She pulls him upstairs, out of the Orange, Orange and to her car.
As she pulls him along, he says, "Sarah, what's going on?"
Sarah doesn't look at him, but says over her shoulder, "I'm driving us to somewhere we can talk."
They get into the car. As she drives, thankfully, he is deep in thought and sits quietly. Probably thinking about her wanting to leave.
She drives them to the beach where she asked him to trust her all that time ago and to the spot where that happened. She sits and, after standing for a minute, Chuck sits next to her.
She wants him to tell her what happened at the station.
She looks at him and speaks, "Chuck, tell me what happened in Prague."
Chuck must know what she wants to know. He must also know how hard it is for her to ask.
However, he sidesteps that burning question. He starts to tell her about the training and how he was sent back as a failure.
Maybe he's playing for time, surprised that silent Sarah Walker suddenly wants to talk it out, or maybe he doesn't want to talk about the problem at all.
Sarah cuts him off. "No! On the platform." She isn't going to allow him to talk about anything else. He has to explain why he abandoned her. Rejected her without any explanation.
Chuck swallows hard and looks down. "Sarah, I really wanted to go with you, but it wouldn't have worked."
This really hurt. Not only had he rejected her, but also thought her plan was no good. To make it worse, he wouldn't look at her. "If you can't look at me while talking this crap, then we are so over."
Chuck looks up at her. She knows he will see a face that is hardening, even if her eyes are full of hurt. He grabs her hands. "Sarah, it's not crap. Please let me explain."
She wants to yank her hands away, but refrains and just nods.
Chuck looks into her eyes. She feels her heart start to thump in her chest. How can he do this to me?
He starts, "Sarah, if we had gotten on that train we would have left everyone behind. We'd never be able to see them again."
This is actually true. She hadn't been thinking about his need to stay with his family, his friends. He is dependent on them, unlike her with her family. However, she had been trying to save him, for God's sake, and he had made her feel wanted when he said he wanted to go. Now she feels unimportant, irrelevant, discarded.
She just sees red and glares at him. "So, they were more important than us being together. I should have requested reassignment straight away." She starts to pull her hands away, so that she can get up.
Chuck holds onto her hands, refusing to let go. "That's not what I said, Sarah."
She snaps, "That's what it meant, Chuck. Let me go. This conversation is over."
"No. I won't let you walk away. You have to hear me out," Chuck asserts.
That really gets her mad. She tries to stay calm, but her ire is rising. In a very cold voice, she says, "So it's okay for you to walk away without explaining yourself in Prague, but I'm not allowed to leave when you are pissing all over me again?"
Chuck eyes go wide. He is obviously realizing he's messing this up. "No… no. I'm not trying to upset you."
Sarah snarls, "Well, that's exactly what you are doing!"
"Please. I'll explain better." He looks her in the eyes again.
The pleading expression on his face, takes the wind out of her sails. She is not sure why, but she decides to let him. Be fair to even the one who has been so unfair to me?
She nods again.
"Thank you, Sarah." He pauses, presumably trying to collect his thoughts so that he can explain better.
He tells her, "If we had run then, we would have been on the run forever. Never completely free. We would always have to look over our shoulder for people after us. What sort of life would that be?"
Sarah opens her mouth to reply, but he holds his hand up. "That's not all, Sarah. Please let me tell you everything." Sarah closes her mouth and nods.
"You would be giving up your career to become a wanted person. I didn't want you to do that." He looks at her and can obviously see she wants to reply. He doesn't let her, rushing on. "They may want me back because of the Intersect, but they didn't need you. They may just kill you to get to me. I couldn't allow that, Sarah."
He looks down and takes a breath, then looks back at her. "I couldn't see a way for us to both be safe and certainly couldn't see us being happy."
He frowns, then continues, "You always told me that I could do anything. When I downloaded the Intersect 2.0, I could do more than I could back when you said that to me. I could help people. I couldn't abandon people like that. I needed to become a spy to help them."
Sarah waits to see if he wants to say anything else. As he doesn't seem to, she asks, with an edge to her voice, "Can I talk now?"
This was Chuck's turn to nod.
What he has said made sense, from his perspective. If he had told her this on the platform, they could have discussed it, maybe she could have convinced him why they should go, maybe he could have convinced her why not, but he didn't. He just decided not to do what they had both agreed, tightened his lips and walked away. Hurt her in his silence.
Sarah looks him coldly in his eyes. "So, what you are saying is that you made a unilateral decision that we couldn't leave and have a life together. A decision that was the opposite of what we'd discussed and agreed before."
He splutters, "That was before I'd thought it through."
She is getting angry again. "You had wanted it, just like I did. Then you 'thought about it' and decided not to go with me. Right?"
He couldn't argue with that. "Yes, but-"
"No buts, Chuck. That's what you decided. I haven't finished, so you need to keep quiet and let me talk. For once."
He nods and sits quietly, waiting for her next comments.
"Actually, before I continue, I'm going to ask you a question. How did you think I would feel?"
He blusters, "I- I- I"
That tells her a lot! "You didn't think about my feelings at all, Chuck! What did you think I was doing?"
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"Why do you think I was there, Chuck? What was I doing there?"
"You were taking me away from the spy life."
She was, but she was also taking them to a new life. Together. Where's the 'we' we've talked about?
"So, you didn't even think about me, what I was doing for you, what I wanted. I was giving up everything for you. My job, my career, everything I have, for you. My choice, not yours. I thought we, WE, were worth it. I had it all worked out, they would never have found us. We would be together, Chuck. It's what you have repeatedly said you wanted, and I wanted it too, but you just threw that away. You threw it in my face on that platform, Chuck."
"N-no," he starts.
She angrily snaps, "Yes, you did, Chuck. Don't insult me by denying it!"
He obviously wants to respond, but she continues, "You rejected me, Chuck, but it was worse than that. You rejected me with no explanation. How do you think I felt then?"
Chuck looks puzzled and goes quiet. He can't have thought about this. She was right, he'd just thought about what he wanted with no consideration for her desires. He had decided what needed to happen and just done it without talking to her about it first. Fait acompli.
She is still waiting for an answer. He eventually says, in a subdued voice, "I guess you felt rejected. Hurt even."
Hurt even! What a shit he was being!
"Damn right I did! I gave you my heart, Chuck, and you threw it back in my face. You hurt me more than anyone had ever done before. What's worse, you are only thinking about this because I've confronted you about it. So, you 'guess' I felt rejected and maybe even hurt. You complete shit!"
She yanks her hand from his and stands up. "I thought you cared for me, Chuck. How wrong I was! That was all one way. You just wanted me how you chose to have me, with no compromises and certainly no consideration for my feelings or what I wanted. Well, that's not going to happen, Chuck! Keep your selfish feelings to yourself. I hope you're happy together!"
She starts to walk away, then turns back. "No, I don't. I hope you're as miserable as you've made me feel, Chuck."
He's jumped up by this time. "B-but what about the reasons it wouldn't have worked? You're ignoring that."
"It's not that, Chuck! The reasons, now you have told me about them, are good reasons. Ones that you should have mentioned on the platform because I hadn't thought of some of them. You didn't do that. You just decided and didn't even think I might want to hear the reasons. You just walked away from me, with no explanation at all! Now, on top of that, I find you didn't even consider my feelings. That hurts even more, Chuck! You don't care for anything but your own feelings. I need to get away!"
Chuck had done exactly what she said. He may have realized this, or it may just be him focusing on his needs again. With tears rolling down his cheeks, he quietly says to her, "Sarah, please don't leave."
Sarah snarls, "Why not, Chuck? Unlike you, I've explained why I have to leave! I will demand reassignment when I get back to my car and can calm down."
"You're leaving me on the beach?" Chuck asks, incredulously.
She shouts at him, "That sums you up, Chuck! That's what you get from this! How it affects you!"
"B-but what about the Intersect?"
"I thought we both felt the Intersect is not the only thing that matters, but I'm obviously wrong. I'll call Casey to come and get you. He'll be the only one doing that after today."
Chuck pleads, "Sarah, how can I fix this? I do care, I'm just no good at showing it. I will do anything to prove it."
If only he could do that. Care about me.
That thought stopped her in her tracks. Where did that came from? I don't want that, do I?
She is so confused. So messed up. By him.
She feels the need for him to understand. She sighs. "I don't think I can ever trust you with my heart again, Chuck. You've destroyed that trust. Proved why I should never trust anyone but myself."
Chuck stands straighter. "I'll prove myself to you, Sarah."
Sarah scoffs. "How? I don't want flowers, chocolates, meals out. That's all commercial crap. It doesn't show you care."
Chuck has to be thinking what Sarah really means to him. Can he live without her? Can he live without Ellie, Morgan if he had to make that choice again? His face hardens. "We'll run. Leave everyone behind."
That makes her mad again. "That's what we agreed to do before and you just changed your mind. You'll only do that again. I can't let you hurt me like that again, Chuck!"
He replies, "You are more important to me than anyone. I'll miss them, but I realize now that not being with you would be so much worse."
"No, Chuck. That's about you again. What you want at the moment. No consideration for what I might want. Anyway, if you give them up for me, thinking as you are now, you'll grow to resent me. You're right. It won't work with a one-way relationship."
"Sarah, I would give up my life for you. I love you."
"No, you don't. You want me, but you don't love me. I thought you did, but I was wrong. So very wrong."
"Sarah, please give me a chance to prove myself," he pleads.
Sarah realizes that he'd taken her hands again and is now kneeling in front of her, begging. She looks at his face. Tears are pouring down his cheeks.
She knows this is stupid. She should get out as fast as possible. Tell the General that she is leaving, not just request it. If Beckman refuses, she could just resign on the spot.
If she can go back to the CIA, she'd reestablish control over her life. That's what she should do, but she realizes it's not what she wants. She wants a life with this man in front of her. She will give him that chance.
It is a risk, she has already opened herself up to being hurt once and was, but the reward, if he really does care for her, as he claims, is the chance of a life with man she loves. How can I say no to that?
"I should leave and find somewhere where I can learn to forget about you, Chuck. I hate myself for being so fragile right now. How hurt I feel. Seeing you brings that all back. Every time."
She shakes herself, "I can't believe I'm telling you this." Both what I just said and what I am about to say.
"I'll give you that chance, but I don't think you do care, so it is probably pointless. Whatever happens, I can't let you hurt me again, Chuck."
He smiles hesitantly. "Thank you, Sarah."
"I will have all my walls back in place, to stop you hurting me, Chuck. Be prepared for that."
He nods. "I understand."
Sarah looks at him for a while, wondering if she is being foolish doing this. She probably is, but if he is really being true to himself, and to her, then it's worth a try.
She then says, "Okay. Come on. I'll drop you at your apartment."
Chuck looks tentatively at her. "Ellie has a meal prepared for tonight. Will you come with me?"
Sarah shakes her head. "No. That's too much right now. Ellie will probe about the status of our relationship. She'll push for us to be back together. I can't cope with that. This has to be our choice, together, not forced on us by others."
She stares at him, making him understand HE has to do this, not rely on someone else to make this happen.
He nods.
Thinking about what others will need to believe, Sarah says, "We will tell the general that the cover is back on, though. And you need to work with me, not against me on missions."
"Okay, Sarah."
As she lies in her bed that night, she wonders again whether she had made the wrong decision.
In a way, this seems like the easy option. No fighting with Beckman to leave. She retains her job. After all, the CIA may not want her back. However, it is much harder for her emotionally. Not only does she have to be around Chuck, the heartbreaker, but she will also have to suffer whatever he decides to do to "prove himself".
Thinking about it, she will have to give him more constraints. One particular one is essential. On missions, no personal chat, just mission focus. Since his return, he has already nearly ruined two missions with that crap.
Beckman had told them that they would have a fortnight break from missions. Ostensibly to train Chuck, but Sarah knew it was also for the tensions to ease. For them to become a working team again.
Whatever else happens during this period, and beyond, Chuck will, at some times, try this "proving" thing.
There is a voice in her head, that wants him to succeed. However, she is still too angry and hurt, so doubts she will be able to forgive him.
The voice won't go away, though, reminding her, "If you can trust him again, you might have a future together. Wouldn't that be wonderful?"
She shakes her head, disappointed in that voice rattling around in her head.
Maybe the voice is her heart speaking, but the hurt is also in her heart. The anger, her head reacting to it. God, I'm a mess!
Now, she must train him and he has to do this "proving".
As she drifts off to sleep, she smiles for the first time in ages, thinking she might actually enjoy whatever he does to prove himself.
A/N: This chapter stuck with canon up to the point in S3E2 where Chuck falls out of the vault. Now in AU territory. Somehow he manages to get her to give him a chance to show he does care about her. That's the subject of the rest of this story.
Now that we are starting to diverge from canon, please review or PM on FanFiction. I expect more anger at her thoughts and comments. I'll try not to let that put me off continuing what is a Charah story, with a happy ending. Stopping now would not give that. Maybe those that aren't enjoying this should stop reading it.