A/N: Last chapter covered days three and four of Chuck's attempt to show Sarah he does care for her. This chapter covers the following day. It's a longer one.
Thanks for reviews, folks. I'm glad more people are liking it. This will have a happy ending, so if you like those, stay with it.
Thanks again to JohnnyRayChandlett for pre-reading this. His thoughts are very helpful and some of his ideas appear here; thankfully, he is happy with that.
Still no beta. Mistakes are all mine.
Disclaimer: I neither own, nor make money from Chuck. No change there.
Prove Yourself
Chapter 5 – Reasons
The next morning, Sarah wakes with the door knock. She'd forgotten to set her alarm. Catching him out will have to be tomorrow's task. And when I catch him eventually, it'll be a lot of fun.
She doesn't rush to get up, knowing she'd not catch him. Instead, she thinks about him buying these gifts for her.
None of the gifts would have been expensive, thankfully. She knew he didn't have much money, although now Beckman was implying he was to be a spy, so he should be getting paid. She needed to make sure that was the case.
He deserved to be paid by the government. She had thought that before, when he was just an asset. An asset that willingly put himself in danger on missions and usually was the one that made the mission a success. She will have to talk to the General about that, too.
She also needed to talk to him about the gifts. He really shouldn't be spending money on her, no matter how much she enjoyed receiving them.
Having all these thoughts about him and how she wants to look out for him again, she thinks again about love. She does think she loves him, even though she has no real way of knowing, as she's never loved before. However, whether or not they have a future together, in love, she knows she cares about him.
For now, she puts those thoughts to one side, she walks to the door, bends down and picks up the folded piece of paper.
This time, she decides to sit and read the note before opening the door to find the gift. Maybe she could work out what the gift would be, once she'd read the note. She walks back to her bed and sits.
Opening the note up, she is surprised to see it is blank. She frowns. He's not written anything!
She is also surprised at how upset that makes her. She has come to like these notes, almost depend on them to make her day better. Depend on them after only 2 days! God, I'm a goner!
Trying to suppress her disappointment, she walks to the door and opens it. On the corridor floor, there's a fat, short candle with a single match attached to it. She bends and picks it up. On the far side of it, she feels some paper. Turning the candle, she sees the words
Light me
Hold the paper above me
She instantly knows what this all means. He's written her a note using ink that is invisible until warmed. This is typical of his views of being a spy. Naive, but sweet.
She quickly closes the door and takes the candle to the desk. She sits, lights the candle and hold the paper above it. Words start to appear. She's eager to read the words, but does not want to make any false assumptions about them. She waits until they fully form.
I wish I could have seen your
beautiful eyes light up when you read this
She put her hand against her chest. Her heartbeat pounding. Her eyes probably did light up. She felt her whole being light up. He's lighting my life up, like I lit the candle up.
It was such a simple phrase. Corny, like his often are, but true, she can't deny it. Hardly an expression of love, but somehow it felt like it did. She knew how he used to feel about her, before Prague. This felt the same. She feels the same, and she's beginning to really accept it.
He was telling her, in these small messages, how he felt about her. Not major, overwhelming announcements of love, but small, somehow more intimate, expressions of it.
The gift today was the message itself and she loved it. It warmed her heart and made her want to grab him and kiss him.
Thankfully, he wasn't here, so she couldn't do that. Hopefully, by the time she saw him, she would be back in control. In control of her body.
For now, she needed to shower and get ready for the morning with him.
Her showers always used to ease her pains. They had even helped with the pain after Prague. Soothing her tense neck and shoulder muscles. Today, a cooler shower will hopefully distract her wandering mind, cool her ardor. Take her mind off Chuck for a while.
Sarah looks at the man who was taking over her thoughts.
Being on leave was great for his training, but offered no distractions for her. If she wasn't with him, training him, she was thinking about him. When she would next see him, what he would say to her, what note and gift he would leave her, what he thought about her, felt about her and, the most common thought, how she felt about him.
God! I'm like a love-sick teenager!
She'd collected him as usual. He was waiting for her to arrive. He'd smiled at her as he opened the door and she had greeted him. "Hi, Chuck. Taking us to Castle again today."
He'd groaned, but she could tell it was all affected. He knew they would be doing some sort of training and as she'd said running every other day, going to Castle was really a given today.
They'd both been quiet as she drove. She'd been glad he seemed to be able to cope with silences, or was making himself keep quiet, if not. She'd known she should talk to him about that, but she'd been more relaxed driving in silence.
Now they were in the work out area. She should get started straight away, but had decided to talk first. Talk about the notes.
She takes his hand and pulls him down to sit on the mat.
She looks at him and says, "Chuck, before we start, I want to talk a bit. Is that okay?"
He looks a bit panicked at first, but then tries to look calm and nods.
She knows what his look meant. In the past, either of them saying they needed to talk was because they were going to say something that upset the other. She smiles, but knows that he probably sees some sadness in her expression. "This is not a bad talk, Chuck."
He looks relieved.
"Your note today was a very touching gift, Chuck."
He looks into her eyes and smiles. "Did it work?"
She knows exactly what he means, but decides not to answer straight away. "Work?"
His shoulders slump a little and he starts to look away. She didn't mean to upset him, so she grabs his hand. He looks back at her and obviously sees she is looking a bit apologetic.
"Sorry, Chuck. I don't know why I felt the need to answer your question with a question. Yes, it worked. My eyes probably did light up when I read the note." She knew it was probably too soon to say more, but what the hell.
She holds his gaze and says, quietly, "I really like these notes and gifts, Chuck. I shouldn't encourage you to do this. I look forward to them and they do brighten the start of my day, but you really shouldn't be spending money on me."
She knows her expression probably shows that she is tentatively starting to open up to him again. Tentative being the operative word.
She looks down. "I'm not trying to prolong this, Chuck. It'll take me a while to trust you again. To trust my feelings for you, too." That's what this is all about. I need to make up my mind.
He grips her hand and she raises her head. As he looks at her, she can see his eyes are starting to water. "I'm so sorry for the hurt I caused you, Sarah. Nothing was further from my thoughts."
As she thinks back to that platform, she's not angry anymore, but sad. Here was a guy who certainly seemed to truly love her, and he had hurt her worse than anyone else. How could he have not known how he had hurt her? Were men and women that different?
She smiles sadly at him. "We've already discussed this, Chuck. Your reasons for not coming with me were all good reasons for you. You just didn't think about how walking away without telling me made me feel."
A tear ran down his right cheek. "I know and I'm so sorry."
She grips his hand. She is trying not to close down as she would have done during her first year with him, when she was the completely cold assassin. She was finding it easier to be more open, even after Prague. Just another way he'd changed her. She keeps looking at him and says, "Thank you, Chuck. That's a start towards where I think we both want to be."
He nods. He obviously would like to say more, but doesn't.
Thinking this is getting a bit heavy, she decides to start the training. She gets up off the floor and pulls him up with her. "Come on, Chuck."
Once he's standing, she smiles affectionately at him. "Today, we're going to fight without weapons. Something I know you can do, but not sure if you might be a bit rusty."
Chuck frowns. "Rusty?"
She nods. "Kung fu."
He starts to back away from her. "Oh no. I don't want to hurt you, Sarah."
She gives him a disapproving look, which stops him. "Chuck, you have to prove you can do this for the General. Prove to me that you can, first. If that means you have to flash again, then do it."
He winces. She can almost see the cogs turning in his head! "Prove…prove."
He finally nods. "Okay, Sarah. I'll try, but you have to know that if I do hurt you, I may not forgive myself." He looks down with slumped shoulders. Looking defeated.
She watches him, but can't move. His words had frozen her. She had gotten a tingling feeling all over her when he finished saying them. One of those moments when she really felt that he did care for her.
She shakes her head, and her shoulders, to dispel this paralysis.
They face each other and start to fight.
After an hour of fighting, they are both sweating and both have bruises.
In spite of Chuck agreeing to flight, and not hold back, it had taken her constantly goading him to do so, for it to actually happen. For five minutes, for God's sake! She hit him and floored him several times, with him only making cursory attempts to hit her, just defending, poorly. She'd had to threaten to walk out and not to spend any more time with him for the rest of the training period before he eventually flashed and started to resist her more significantly and then fight back. They both knew she couldn't actually leave or the General would explode, but he obviously could see she was becoming angry with him and didn't want her to feel that way. Maybe he just didn't want to be the target of my anger. I need to reign that anger in. I care about him and don't want him scared of me, anymore!
When he did properly attack her, she actually enjoyed it. He was suddenly better than her and she had to defend herself, unsuccessfully sometimes, hence the bruises. It became a really good work out for her and her enthusiasm for continuing encouraged him.
Before they stopped, he looked like he was really enjoying it too. She knew that wasn't how it would be out in the field, at least she hoped not, but his confidence and willingness to attack was good to see.
Now, resting and drinking the water they'd brought through, they look at each other. Both deep in thought. Sarah's thoughts are somewhat confused. I'm a sweaty mess! I wish he didn't have to see me like this.
Then, contrasting those thoughts, an unbidden thought about him springs into her mind. God, he looks good like that!
She wonders what's going on in his head, sitting silently, gazing at her. Why not ask?
"What're you thinking, Chuck?"
He flushes and looks away. "N-nothing."
She chuckles. He's thinking the same about me!
He looks back at her on hearing her. He raises his eyebrow. "What?"
It now is her turn to flush and look away! Then she thinks, why not talk about it?
She looks back at him. She, somehow, finds a way to mix the tone of her voice with the cool assessment of the agent and the hopeful anticipation of the woman. "Chuck, we're both attracted to each other. There's no point denying it. We're as bad as each other trying to hide it."
He looks shocked. "W-what are you saying, Sarah?"
She smiles and stays silent for a minute. "Chuck, we both want to be with each other. In a real relationship. You know it. I know it. I'm just not sure how much you want it. How important I am to you. In Prague, I didn't seem important at all."
He starts to interrupt, but she holds her hand up. "Please let me finish, Chuck."
He nods.
"I've been let down and rejected before, Chuck, on more than one occasion. I know I walked away from my mom, to go with my dad, but she never tried to fight for me. That felt like a rejection. I know it shouldn't, but it did. My dad always focused on his cons and I was only important to him if I could help. Not interested in me for myself. Bryce walked away and rejected me at the end, but before that would go off with other women, claiming it was for the mission, but I knew it wasn't.
"I had to stop being emotional and just accept that I would always be alone. A spy, An assassin. No one caring about me. Not caring about anyone else, either. I succeeded, until I came here. You broke through my defenses. I fell for you. I let myself be vulnerable.
"I trusted you not to hurt me. Then, you did."
A tear runs down her cheek. Somehow, that tear makes it easier to continue. Letting him see her emotions makes it easier to talk, letting him hear.
"Being rejected hurts. You know that. I closed myself off after that. Now you're back. Breaking down my walls again. I don't think I can cope with that hurt again, Chuck."
She's surprised at how easy and liberating it has been to talk with him, but now she is becoming overwhelmed with this topic.
She looks away. She is crying now. She knows she shouldn't. She recognizes that's another way she's changing. She hopes they can talk about this more, sometime in the future, but right now, she can't overcome the hurt he caused.
She can't look at him. Can't stay here. She gets up and heads for the showers.
Eventually the only water flowing down her face came from above her head. She feels completely drained.
She dries herself off and dresses.
Walking through to the work out area, she sees that Chuck is still sitting where she left him. Looking down at the ground between his legs.
He looks up. She starts to talk as soon as she catches his eye. "I'm sorry, Chuck. I can't do any more today. Please look after yourself, entertain yourself, until Casey joins you early afternoon." She turns to walk away.
She doesn't manage to get away before Chuck starts talking. "I'm sorry too, Sarah. Really, really sorry. I only knew some of that. I understand it now. I didn't back then. I wish I could turn back time, behave differently."
She looks back at him and sees the tears and the absolute conviction in his eyes. "Thank you, Chuck, but unfortunately you can't." She closes her eyes, to hold back the tears again.
She opens her eyes. He's now standing in front of her. She's not sure how he got there so quickly.
She looks into those watery eyes. If only…
She turns and rushes out to her car and drives away. Back to her room. Her lonely room. Lonely, but safe.
He'd called a couple of times. She'd not answered.
The texts all said "Sorry."
She knew she was being stupid. Selfish even. Hiding from him. Trying to master all of these emotions, while away from him. Just like the other days, he'd done nothing wrong today. In fact, everything he'd done was perfect.
Yes, he'd hurt her today, but that was the physical hurt that she'd encouraged. From their fighting. He'd not emotionally hurt her at all, today. Those were scars from the past. Before tomorrow, she needed to bottle those scars away. Compartmentalize, like she did with everything else in her spy life.
She had to move on. Not away from him, as she had thought when he first arrived back, but working with him.
If she could stop feeling the pain, they may both get what they both wanted.
Like she'd said, she thought they both want a real relationship. They could have it, if she let them.
She'd given him no ideas on how to help her trust him again, Hell, she didn't know herself, but he'd found his way. It seems he's trying to mend her broken heart, as well as his own. It's now up to her to do the same.
She thinks about her reasons for wanting to run back in Prague, other than because she'd fallen for him.
She didn't want him to be a spy. It would change him or, if it didn't, he would die. Quickly. She knew, Casey knew, even Beckman knew, if she'd admit it, that Chuck Bartowski could never be a real agent. A merciless agent. A killer. If he became that, he wouldn't be Chuck Bartowski anymore.
She needed him to understand that. Understand that he would have to kill or he wouldn't become a spy. Tomorrow was another running day. She would talk to him about this then.
She should get something to eat this evening, then retire to bed.
A knock on the door pulls her out of her thoughts.
Grabbing her gun, she goes to see who is out there. As she does, a note slides under the door. Chuck!
"Chuck, I'm not good company this evening," she calls out.
He calls back, "But you need to eat."
God, he's brought me food!
"Okay, I'll open the door." She does so. He's standing there holding a pizza box.
She was going to just take what he'd brought and ask to be alone, but realizes that would be cruel and uncaring. He's gone out of his way to buy and bring this. He probably hasn't eaten, either.
"Come in, Chuck. The place is a mess. I'm a mess, but thank you for coming and bringing this." She moves back against the wall to give him room to enter the room.
He briefly looks at her face and walks in, saying, over his shoulder, "You're not a mess, Sarah. You could never be a mess; you don't have the ability to be a mess."
And that's it. He breaks down her walls with such a simple speech. For a minute, she is totally speechless. She had nothing to offer to his words, but to stare at him.
She finally does get her ability to talk. "Thank you, Chuck. I am a mess, but it's good of you to say otherwise."
He places the pizza box down on her desk. She looks at him with a raised eyebrow. He looks back and says, "Vegetarian, no olives."
"Of course, it is!" She smiles. "Thank you, Chuck."
They sit quietly and eat the pizza. Looking at each other, but saying nothing. Thinking.
He's good for me. He's good to me. I want to let him back into my heart. Can I? Without getting hurt again?
She knows she needs to stop thinking about this and have that talk about the spy life. She can do it here. Then, tomorrow, the run can be just that. A run.
When they finish the pizza, they clear it away. Well, Chuck does and Sarah sits anxiously waiting to talk to him.
After washing his hands, Chuck walks back to where he'd been sitting. He looks at her and frowns.
She realizes she is wringing her hands. She drops them and looks away.
"Sarah, what's wrong?"
She looks up at him. "Chuck, can I talk to you, About being a spy?"
He bristles, visibly.
She rushes in. "I'm not going to try to stop you. I just want to tell you about my first days and how it made me feel." She'd never talked to him about this. She'd never talked to anyone about it.
Looking both relieved and interested, he sits down and nods.
She takes a deep breath before starting. "I was sixteen when I was recruited."
He gasps. "Sixteen?"
"Yes, Chuck, sixteen. I didn't finish high school. You know the one I mean, we went there. One of my Dad's cons went wrong and he was arrested. Graham persuaded me to join the CIA, to keep my Dad safe. That's how he put it. I was taken straight to The Farm, the CIA training facility. I was the youngest there. By a long way.
I went through the full training, just like everyone else. I passed every test."
"I heard you were the best, Sarah."
Ordinarily, she would probably react to a comment like that from him, but she's too caught up in what she was going to explain to him, so just nods to acknowledges his words. "I was. At least, that year."
She looks at him, wanting him to not only hear the next part, but also see her as she tells it. "The final test is the Red Test. You have to go out in the world with a target. Mine was a woman in Paris. You have to kill that person. Assassinate them."
He looks shocked. "As-assassinate them?"
She keeps his eyes locked. "Yes, Chuck, assassinate them. It was the worst day of my life. I can't think of Paris without that awful memory returning." She makes sure her eyes are piercing his. He has to know she means this.
He stutters, "W-will.. I have t-to do th-that?"
"Yes, Chuck. You will have to do that to become a spy."
"I…I can't kill somebody, Sarah. I can't do that."
She grips his arms. "That's why I didn't want you to become a spy, Chuck. If you actually did manage to do it, it would change you. You wouldn't be the loveable, friendly guy I know. You'd become a heartless killer. It changes you. You have to stop caring about people and just keep killing, whenever you are told to. I don't want you to become like Casey and I. Killers. Heartless assassins."
He interrupts, "But…you're not heartless, Sarah."
"Maybe not when I'm around you, Chuck, but I'm still a killer. I hate myself. And I have nightmares about the deaths every night. Every. Damn. Night.
"I don't want you to get like that, Chuck." She looks away, but continues, "You wouldn't be my Chuck anymore."
He lifts his right hand to her chin and pulls her back and quietly says, "I wouldn't let it change me, Sarah."
Her eyes flare. "I thought that, Chuck, but it does change you, whether you want that or not!"
He takes on a resolute look. "I'll refuse to do it, Sarah. I won't kill anyone."
"Then you'll never be a spy, Chuck. God, I don't want you to be a spy!"
Tears are now forming in her eyes. She can't stop herself from telling him. "I just want … my Chuck to stay the same."
He wraps his arms around her and pulls her to him. He hugs her and kisses the top of her head. "Thank you for telling me all this, Sarah. I didn't know."
She pushes herself away from him and sniffs. "What do you mean?"
"I didn't know about the Red Test." He pauses for a few seconds. "And I didn't know how you felt about it. About me."
She goes very pale. Almost white. "I've told you too much. "
He frowns. "Why?
"I shouldn't have told you about my feelings."
"Why not?"
"If you still choose to kill, to become a spy, you'll know that it will hurt me again."
She thinks about the message this is giving him. "God! It feels like I am blackmailing you."
"Sarah, if I have to kill, to do a Red Test, to become a spy, I don't want to be one."
She just nods.
"I can still help, though. Can't I?"
"Huh?"
"I can help you and Casey. The real spies. As an analyst?"
"Oh, you're more than just an analyst, Chuck. You're often the brains behind a mission. Directing what we do. But, you're right. They should recognize that you are an analyst and pay you for what you do."
He quietly says, "They are paying me, Sarah."
She isn't really surprised. "They should be, Chuck! I was going to check, now I don't have to. That's great news. As what?"
He looks sheepish. "I haven't checked. I just assumed, Trainee Spy, or something like that."
She rolls her eyes with an affection she can't hide. Clueless, as usual!
"Well, we'll find out tomorrow, Chuck." She nods to herself.
He holds her gaze for a while. "Thank you, Sarah."
The way he says it, makes her feel special. She's not really done anything, but he makes her feel that she has.
Then he surprises her. "I love you, Sarah Walker. You may not think it right now, but I do."
Her heart soars on hearing him say that, but she also feels shaken, unnerved.
She's known he had strong feelings for her before Prague. Known that for a long time. He's not said this before, but she shouldn't feel surprised. That doesn't take away the feelings she gets, hearing him actually say it.
She knows she needs to say something in return. She could just say. "I know," or "Thank you," but both would be a cop out.
She has to tell him how she feels. But how does she feel? She knows she loves him too, but his rejection of her so rocked her, so upset her. Can she really risk it again?
She reaches out and takes his hands in hers. She looks into his gorgeous chocolate eyes. Time to open up a bit more.
"Chuck, I've already acknowledged that I'm attracted to you. I may be in love with you, too." She silently curses herself for being unable to say those decisive words. She looks down. "I've never been in love, Chuck." She looks back at him, wanting him to know this point. "I thought I was once, but I was wrong."
She is silent for a few seconds, waiting for him to realize what she means. He nods, so she knows he does.
Feeling bolder, she continues, "I've never felt like I do around you, Chuck. It probably is love, but that is mingled with fear. Fear of failing and fear of rejection."
He looks sad at that. "I'm sorry, Sarah."
She nods. "I know you are, Chuck. But I'm still stuck in this limbo. Feeling torn." She looks imploringly at him. "Please be patient with me, Chuck."
His slightly sad smile is part of his answer, but he also quietly says, "If there's a chance of being with you, Sarah, I'd wait forever."
That gets her tearful. "Thank you, Chuck."
She leans forward and places a kiss on his cheek.
That surprises him. He lifts his hand to touch where she kissed, looking stunned.
She smiles. "It's only a kiss, Chuck. We've kissed more than that as part of the cover."
He shakes his head. "True kisses mean so much more, Sarah. I'll treasure this tonight." He smiles. "Treasure it and not wash my face tonight!" He then looks at his watch. "Which is an important thought. I need to head home."
She nods. If he stays much longer, I'll give up my principles and drag him to my bed!
She can't resist teasing him, though. "Got to prepare the gift for tomorrow?"
He just grins and gets up. "Goodnight, Sarah. I'm glad we've had this chat."
She smiles. "Me too, Chuck."
A/N: In this chapter, Sarah has opened up, a lot. She's explained why the rejection hurt so much and the reason she had wanted to take him away, before he became a spy. It's a lot of information for him to take in.
So, what do you think? Let me know in a review or PM on FanFiction.