A/N: Last chapter, Sarah had reluctantly attended a meal with Ellie, who she thought would ask questions that would unsettle the fragile state of her mind. When her fears were realized, she wanted to escape, but Chuck stopped her. Eventually they all had a good time, after Chuck showed he really did care.
We are now getting close to the end of the two-week training period. This is going to be a long chapter. Brace yourselves. It's going to have some ups and downs. Relationships are like that, but I expect some people won't like the downs. These two get through it, though.
Thanks for reviews of the previous chapter. Some people were angry with Sarah in the last. I don't get it, but they're entitled to their opinions.
Poor JohnnyRayChandlett had to pre-read a number if iterations of this chapter before I got it right. His insights and ideas made this so much better. Thank you, my friend.
As with the earlier chapters, no beta was harmed in the production of this chapter.
Disclaimer: I don't own or make money from Chuck.
Prove Yourself
Chapter 7 – Prior to Missions
The next morning, Sarah wakes with the knock on the door. She's decided not to try to catch Chuck, as it seems he isn't the one doing this.
She'd had a great time with Chuck and his family, almost like she used to, when there were no relationship considerations. Obviously, she and Chuck are not back in agent / handler mode, thankfully, so no 'cover' to hide behind, but she feels they are now both trying to move towards a real relationship. How he supported her last night felt so good. She did feel cared for, and even loved, after that. It seemed like a big step forward.
He'd never stood up to his sister before. It had quite surprised her. He was definitely changing. In hindsight, she wished she'd stopped him, as she didn't want to cause friction between the siblings, but she'd been so caught up in her own thoughts, that it hadn't occurred to her.
Of course, the negative part of her mind, that wouldn't go away, is telling her that he was only behaving like that to fool her and she still shouldn't trust him. After all, she herself acts on missions and can be very convincing.
Overnight, she had woken with another possibility in her head. Could he be fooling himself, having an infatuation for her that evaporates the moment serious decisions are to be made? He simply has a crush, thinks he loves her, but when a moment like Prague comes up, will back out again. That shook her. It also brought another negative one out. Chuck really loves her, but is unable to have a reasonable relationship. After lying there, sweating and feeling miserable, she eventually managed to squash those thoughts and eventually get back to sleep.
All this just reminded her that her mind is still a mess, swirling between positive and negative thoughts about Chuck. Yesterday, she had been positive, but her subconsciousness isn't letting her stay that way. Her conscious mind 'knows' the two new thoughts had to be false. He isn't like that, but that niggling doubt won't seem to go away.
As she lies in bed, she can't think what he will be able to do to fully solve this problem. A broken heart can't easily be mended, it seems. However, the last eleven days have, gradually, pulled the broken parts closer together. Maybe if they had another week, she would, once again, feel close enough to him to give up her heart again and completely banish the negative thoughts.
However, on Monday, the holiday period would be over and they would, once again, go on missions. This time, with Chuck as an agent. That thought still makes her shudder.
After their talk about completing his training, he was no longer keen on being an agent. Could they persuade the General to change his status to what he really excels at, being a tactical analyst?
The two of them will have to sit and talk this through. He may well have ideas that don't occur to a long-term agent. His mind often went off at a tangent, surprising them all, but he would then come up with something quite brilliant. Sometimes a very different strategy, sometimes more specific detailed changes to their plans. That's why he needs to be on the missions with them, or at least, communicating with them.
As she thinks about this, she reconsiders that last point. He does need to actually be with them. Much as she, and Casey, would prefer him to stay out of sight, often his technical skills are needed. Doing his wizardry firsthand.
So, a strategy guy, with great analytical skills and hands-on technical specialist. Hmm. More than just an analyst. Many roles wrapped up in one man. Almost a leader.
Well, that's for a later discussion between them. Right now, there's a note and a gift waiting for her!
After picking the note up, she decides to collect the gift as well.
Opening the door, she finds a small souvenir sized version of the Eiffel Tower. That really shocks her. After last night, she is surprised at him giving her this! It disappoints her. All the previous gifts have lifted her mood. This one makes her upset!
She opens and reads the note, not expecting anything good about it.
Paris still has some highlights
Being there with you would make it more special
She sits and considers the note and the gift together. She remembers him commenting that he would really like to go to Paris. See the sights. She realizes that he is trying to make her think differently about the city. Not just focus on the one awful event that happened in part of it.
As she looks at the small gift in her left hand, she tries to think about being there, seeing it. She can't. She never got to see it on that awful assignment. Maybe going there and seeing the place as a tourist, enjoying the environment and the people, would be a good way to exorcise her demons. Start thinking about the city in a different way.
Looking at the note in her right hand, she starts to think about being there with him. With Chuck. Holding hands and walking through the Champ de Mars. Then, standing in the Trocadéro terraces, looking at the stunning panorama, including the Tower.
She finds herself smiling as she thinks about doing that.
He's gotten through to her again. Shifted her negative thoughts of Paris to a slightly dreamy vision of a possible visit there, with him.
Well played, Chuck!
She picks up someone expecting to go to Castle for training. She smiles to herself as she drives away from that.
She looks over at a very surprised Chuck. She smiles.
Chuck looks at her and says, "Much as I like seeing you smile, Sarah, I would also like to know where we are going."
He always has said sweet things. Have I just tuned them out?
Sarah replies with a single word. "Beach."
That puts a smile on his face for a while, then he frowns. "What about training with Casey?"
"Day off," was her reply.
He scoffs at that. "Casey doesn't have days off."
She turns and briefly smiles at him. "No, but you do. Today."
"You're gonna have to tell me more that, Sarah." He sounds slightly peeved.
She knows she needs to come clean, so she sighs and starts, "I got in touch with Casey and told him you needed a break, before the missions restart in two days."
His smile widens. "So, a day at the beach?"
"Yep."
"Sarah, I don't have any swim shorts."
She smiles. "You're wearing boxers, aren't you?"
He splutters.
She grins. "Well, if you aren't, it'll be revealing, 'cos you're definitely swimming."
He looks shocked at the thought. She laughs out loud.
He huffs, "Well, I am wearing boxers and I have a spare pair for after training!"
Why do I feel disappointed? She thinks to herself, but says, "So, you're covered." More than I would want, it seems!
Sitting next to him on her beach towel, Sarah feels free. Free from her job, at least for a day; free from drug lords, extortionists, people traffickers, Fulcrum, Ring and even the NSA and CIA; she is free from guilt and pain, even the pain Chuck caused; she even feels free to express her self today.
She looks over at him. He is trying to look anywhere other than at her. Always the gentleman!
"Chuck." He looks at her face on hearing his name. He can't seem to talk, but raises an eyebrow.
He's also really shy! And will probably blush when I tell him what he's going to do!
"Chuck, you are going to have to look at more than my eyes."
"W-why?" is the response she gets.
"I need you to put sunscreen on my back for me."
He gulps.
"Don't worry. I'll still have my bikini on," she teases.
She lies down on her towel and waits for him. It is a couple of minutes before she feels his hands on her shoulders, covered in sunscreen carefully rubbing into her skin.
She has to hold in the satisfied moan that tries to escape. This is the first time he's ever touched her anywhere other than her hands, arms or face. Well, other than that shower to remove the toxin, but that was just stressful. This feels so good!
After he finishes her back, he offers to do her legs. She has to refuse. That would get too intimate!
When she finishes her legs and front, she offers to do his back.
He smiles. "My skin doesn't need it, Sarah." Clinically, she knows that's not true, but doesn't feel like arguing.
"Chuck, before we leave here, I want us to talk about roles for you. I'll help, but you need to decide what you want to be here."
He frowns, "Don't I just get told?"
"Ultimately, yes. But now we both know that you don't want to be a spy, so let's decide what you do want to be, yeah?"
He smiles and nods.
She springs up. "But that's for later. Now we're going in that ocean."
She reaches her hand out to him. He takes it and she pulls him up, then pulls him along, walking down to the water's edge.
"I love the water, Chuck. I love swimming," she confesses to him.
He smiles. "I love swimming too, Sarah. I love paddling as well. And I love …"
He has stopped, rather abruptly. She turns and looks at him.
He looks flustered. She has an inkling about what he was going to say, but doesn't really want him to say it. Not yet!
She shakes herself. Not yet? Where did that come from?
She decides to defuse this bomb and says, "Snorkeling?"
He looks relieved and nods. "Yeah. Snorkeling."
He is still distracted as they reach the water. She is still pulling him and they are soon waist deep in the water. Well, she is. Sometimes she forgets how tall he is. The difference in height, never seeming so great when on missions, thanks to the high heels she has to wear. When barefoot, he is over six inches taller than she is. She looks up at him. If she's honest with herself, his height was one of the things she really liked about him. Even though she never needed it, that made her feel safer somehow.
Now in the ocean, looking at the man with her, all those feelings seem to be coming back. She is finding it harder and harder to be upset with him over Prague. He has been so good to be with over the last fortnight.
Glancing at him, looking so good next to her, she just wants to touch him, be with him, in every way possible.
Control yourself, woman!
His expression reflects hers. He wants me, too.
That's not what they are here for! She lets go of his hand, twists away and dives into the water.
She always feels so alive in the water. Like a fish. She has always been athletic, and loves to swim, but rarely got the chance to do that in seas or oceans, just pools. This is so much better than pools. If you open your eyes in a pool, if you see anything, It's human bodies. Here you can see sea life, be with it, part of it. Sure, some human bodies can be worth seeing, like the one with her, but most are not. The sea life is all beautiful, even the dangerous creatures.
Ignoring what Chuck nearly said, what she substituted would be great. She had brought masks, snorkels and even flippers, with her. Later, she'd get all that out, but for now, just a swim makes her happy. And swimming with the man she cares for, can only make it better.
She surfaces and looks for him. He is still standing where she left him. Looking at her. Mesmerized is probably the best way to describe his visage. That makes her smile, glad to have such an effect on him. This is how a lot of their time together had felt BP, as she will now call it. Before Prague. He had been so enamored with her back then and, to be honest, she was with him, too. Maybe that's all coming back.
Not wanting to spiral, thinking like this, she swims back to him.
She needs to get him moving. "Chuck, please swim with me."
He falters. "I- I- I can't swim like that. You're like a mermaid!"
Grinning, she replies, "Thank you, Chuck. Boosting my ego, like that. Let's swim together, on the surface."
He smiles. "I can do that."
Pulling him forward, she says, "Come on then."
They swim together in silence for the next fifteen minutes. Sarah is absolutely loving it. Swimming with him does add that extra something. She can't remember ever being so at peace. She knows this can't continue, but she revels in it, while it does.
Glancing at him, his face reflects the same. He looks relaxed and, currently, has his eyes closed and his mouth has a faint smile. He is obviously enjoying it too.
She taps him on his shoulder to get his attention and stops, treading water now they are in deeper water. He does the same.
"I'm loving this, Chuck, but we should get back and have that discussion."
He looks pained. Reminded of reality. She wishes she didn't have to do this, but it is important.
She smiles indulgently. "I do have the snorkeling equipment in the car, Chuck. Some other day, let's use that and see what's below us."
That brightens his face. "Okay."
She smiles to herself. The thought of another day at the beach with me, brightens his mood!
They swim back to the shore.
They have dried themselves and are sitting facing each other. Sarah has kept a towel over her shoulders, hiding her torso. Today has reminded her that her body is a distraction for him. It gives her a thrill, thinking about that, but it is not helpful right now.
She hopes, sitting cross legged, that her lower limbs don't also distract him, but she isn't going to cover up completely.
Looking at him facing her. She also feels distracted. His hairy chest is crying out to her hands, just like his hair always does. His body is now starting to develop muscles, which just enhances his attractiveness. She no longer finds "hunks" attractive, obviously now preferring taller, sleeker men. Well, this man. She can't keep denying it. She is now only attracted to this one man.
She has to stop thinking this. Fortunately, her training helps. Closing down her emotional brain, she becomes the focused CIA agent once again. Well, not completely true. Some emotion creeps in, but she controls it.
Looking him in the eyes, she frames the discussion. "Okay, Chuck. Possible roles when we start back. That will help us think about relevant jobs that encompass those roles."
"So, you want me to talk about the things I can help with? On missions?" he questions.
"Let's start there, but I also want to think broader than just missions, as well."
"Well… on missions I can provide the surveillance…" He looks at her and grins before continuing, "From the van."
That makes her snort.
He grins. "But I can do a lot more, if I get out of the van."
She smiles indulgently. "So, describe those things, Chuck."
He looks at her, obviously choosing his words carefully. "I often solve computer challenges on the missions, Sarah."
He is hiding something from me. I don't like that.
She looks at him and quietly says, "Chuck, please don't hide things from me. It will erode the trust you're building."
He looks a bit panicked for a few seconds, then seems to take control of his emotions. He replies, equally quietly, "I can hack into most systems."
She knows she shouldn't be totally surprised at that confession. She's seen him do it several times, but the "most systems" bit is an eye opener.
She leans forward and whispers, "You're a hacker?"
He gulps, but obviously has decided to be completely open with her. Which warms her heart.
He whispers back, "Yes, Sarah."
She needs more than he has told her so far. "A famous one?"
He hedges, "I don't know about famous. I haven't done much since Stanford."
She hardens her voice, "Name?"
He looks down. "Piranha?"
Her gasp brings his eyes back to hers.
She whispers again. "Most agencies have been hunting you for years."
He looks a bit surprised at that, but just nods and says, "That's why I keep it secret."
She leans back, thinking about this revelation. They can't let the agencies know this. "We'll have to keep this a secret, Chuck. We can't let anyone know."
He nods, then smiles at her a little sadly. "I'm sorry I haven't told you before, Sarah. I've always known I could trust you."
God! Trusting me with this is huge!
She shakes her head. "If you'd told me too soon, I would have felt it my duty to report it, Chuck. You were right to keep it from me."
He immediately replies, "But now you won't?"
Her cheeks color and she looks at him sheepishly. "No, I won't, Chuck. I should, but I don't want them to take you away into a bunker. A bunker with other hackers. Forced to work for the government."
He looks shocked. "But I'm an agent now, or at least, almost one."
She grips his hand. "This might make them think differently about that, Chuck. We don't want to chance it."
He looks down at their hands, then looks back at her. "I like the 'we', Sarah."
She lets go of his hand, not wanting to go there at this point. Trying to get back to the point of the discussion, she says, "So, we'll just remind Beckman about what she knows of your IT skills."
He smiles, but just nods.
"What else?"
"I have suggested some alternatives to gun blasting missions. Ones where no one gets killed."
She smiles. "Yes, you have. This evening, pull together a list of those. She will know them, but needs to be reminded that they were your ideas. Can you also add where you modified the mission plan part way through? That shows your initiative, as well as the ability to think quickly."
He looks surprised, but agrees.
Sarah counts off. "So, strategic advisor, analyst, planner, field tactical advisor, field support." She looks at him. "But not field agent."
He frowns, "What's the difference?"
"No guns. No killing." Then she thinks for a minute and smiles. "Maybe a tranq pistol?"
He grins.
He looks at his watch. "Have we finished?"
She smiles to herself. He has to make all those purchases at some time. She looks at him innocently. "Shopping?"
He blushes and nods.
"You know I tried to catch you leaving the notes and gifts."
He nods again. "Maybe you'll catch me someday."
She laughs.
Sunday, the last day before the call from Beckman that would mark the end of this holiday / training fortnight.
Sarah had woken an hour earlier. She'd visited the bathroom, had a shower and brushed her teeth, but decided to wait for today's note and gift before making breakfast.
She now sat at the end of her bed, thinking about the last two weeks.
While she had always wanted to be kept busy, on missions, with no breaks, for all her time with the CIA, the last two weeks have been a reminder of a different life. She could let go and enjoy time off and, if the previous day was anything to go by, she could really enjoy it. All it took was to have the right company.
Oh, St Tropez with Carina would have been good too. Their CATS days had been a mixture of missions and partying, but she had never been into the constant search for meaningless sex that drove Carina. Yes, she'd gotten drunk occasionally and had one-night stands, but she had always woken the next day feeling dirty and regretting it. Since meeting a certain nerd in Burbank, she'd not wanted any of that. Oh, the sex, yes, but not the one-night stands with strangers. That was partly why she'd turned down Carina's offer, The other part, well…
She had to admit to herself that being with Chuck again, even though it was painful at the start, she still felt drawn to him, even then. As soon as she had seen him in that club, it had started. She had been hurt and thought she even hated him. Well, she had a bit, but more she hated his actions. She still found him attractive, but the pain and hurt squashed that down, back then. Was it really less than two weeks ago?
She had thought she needed to get away from him, and that probably would have been the sensible thing to do. "Move on" was the phrase. Well, "move well away" had been her thought. It might have worked. She might have forgotten him, if she kept busy, in places he had never been with her. She's not sure, though. Yes, the job would help, as it had for years before coming here. However, since coming here, she wants more from life than just the job. What she wants now is a man she can give herself to, all of it, not just her body, to be loved, to love him, and wake up next to him with joy in her heart. And though her mind won't agree with itself that Chuck is that man, she knows with absolute certainty that she does not want anyone else.
He had found a place in her brain and another in her heart and he wasn't going to leave. Seeing him again did bring the pain back, but it also brought back the longing. She had focused on the pain and, as she had all her life before, bottled away the rest as something unachievable. Bottled it and stored in a deep dark cellar in her mind, never to be seen again.
Somehow, with these almost innocent gestures, he had worked his way down into that cellar and found that bottle. He'd brought it back to the surface and exposed it to the daylight. Shown it to her again. He'd not yet popped the cork and sampled the contents, but she knew she was weakening and that it may not be for much longer.
The familiar knock on the door brought her back to reality. This would be the last before work restarted. What would be his last message, last gift?
Grinning, she hops off the bed, but then stops. There is no paper pushed under the door. Is this not what I'm expecting?
She looks at her clock and, yes, it is the right time.
She picks up her pistol and walks to the door, holding it behind her, in her right hand.
Looking through the eye hole, she sees a smiling face she hadn't expected.
She puts the gun down and opens the door with a smile. "Chuck!"
He grins. "That's me!"
"B-but, you never come."
"Well, after our chat last night, I decided I would today."
She steps back to let him in, but he shakes his head. "No. I'm not coming in. I wanted to hand you these in person. And… see what you think of them."
She realizes he has his hands behind his back. He brings his left hand around and give her the note.
Sarah takes it from him and unfolds it.
Today, I want to just say how much I enjoy looking into your beautiful blue eyes.
They are what drew me to you from the start.
More words than normal.
She knows he likes her eyes. He's told her before, but somehow seeing it written down, warms her heart. She smiles. She knows she feels the same way about his golden-brown eyes.
She looks up into his eyes and, yes, she is drawn into them.
Then he brings his right hand around and hands her the gift. A photo frame. She takes it from him and looks at it. The photo in it is one with the two of them looking at each other. Smiling.
Looking at it closely, she can see two people completely in love with each other!
Two weeks ago, that would have panicked her, quite a lot, but today she feels a wave of affection for him wash over her.
Of course, there are things to worry about. Who took the photo? Were their feelings that obvious? Who else has seen it? Would the General find out?
This had been taken some time ago and no one had said anything about it. About them. Well, other than his sister.
She looks closely at the photo. It's at the beach. The same one they had visited yesterday, but this wasn't taken then, thankfully. She remembers going there with Ellie and Devon. One of them must have taken the photo. That's fine. The cover was that they were in love, so whichever one of the other two took the photo, the cover was secure.
She relaxes and allows herself to just enjoy looking at the photo. She sees that she loved him even then.
She holds the photo and its frame against her chest. She has a huge smile on her face. This is a lovely gesture. She knows she loves him. This is just the personification of that love.
Looking at him again, she can see love in his eyes now, too.
To hell with caution!
I'm a girl, he's a boy. That has worked for eons now. Why should it not do its magic on us?
Dropping the note, she grabs his left hand with her right and pulls him into the room, kicking it shut once he is in.
She pulls him behind her as she takes the photo to her desk, then she turns around to face him.
He's looking a bit shocked at how she is behaving.
Not as shocked as you are going to be!
She stands on tiptoes, places her hands either side of his face and kisses him. Her tongue presses against his lips, demanding entrance and he comes to his senses and opens them, while wrapping his arms around her, pulling her closer.
Sarah's tongue explores his mouth and tangles with his, whilst she's also reveling in the feel of his arms around her, his body pressed against her.
When she finally needs air, she pushes back, overwhelmed with her feelings.
Chuck is looking dazed, so he obviously feels it too.
She is about to kiss him again, when he finds his voice, "W... why?"
"Because that's us," Sarah replies, as if that answers everything.
"B-" he starts.
She doesn't let him say any more, but, with her arms around his neck, she pulls his face down to hers, and kisses him again, hard.
This time, he wraps his arms lower around her back and lifts her off her feet, swinging her slightly.
With the first kiss, she had been feeling like she was floating on air, but now she really is suspended above the ground.
They had kissed many times before, for the cover, and had kissed for real too, but this felt so much more.
She knows why, of course, it's because she is finally admitting to herself that she loves him and wants him.
As he lets her down onto the floor, she takes her arms from him. She grabs the hem of his t-shirt and pulls it off him. Then does the same with hers.
He looks shocked again, probably at the speed with which she achieves this.
She is now standing in front of him with just her bra , shorts and panties. He has his shorts and, presumably boxers, but also socks and chucks.
She points at his feet. "Off. Now."
She feels no guilt at commanding him. It will lead to what they both want, after all. He is always so cautious, fearing she will say no. She can't blame him for that, but they both need this now. She has to drive this, especially after what they have been through together, both recently and in the two previous years. He certainly won't.
He comes to his sense and rushes to do what she's asked.
While he does this, she drops her shorts. As he rises, she reaches for his shorts and pulls them down too.
She pulls him to the bed and pushes him down onto it with her body dropping onto him.
"S- Sarah…" he stutters.
"Chuck, it's been over two years. Shut up and kiss me!"
Their kisses get more passionate and they both start moving beyond the other's lips.
When she removes her remaining clothes, Chuck freezes, looking at her body, obviously enjoying what he sees.
Much as she loves the look on his face seeing her naked, that's not what she wants right now. "Chuck, it's not just for looking at. I need you now."
Looking at his boxers, she adds, "And I think you need me now, too."
What he does next confirms that.
Sex with him was amazing. Each time. Several times. It was the best she'd ever had. He had been gentle with her when they started, but when she demanded it, forceful too.
He had also done things that she'd never experienced before. Pleasured her in ways she had not let anyone before. Thankful that she had showered before he arrived, she had let him do more than look, but taste too. More than once.
Looking over at him, lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, he looks exhausted, but also deliriously happy. That was just how she feels as well. He seems to be drifting off to sleep, at 10:30 AM! She's not surprised he is so exhausted; she is too. That was one hell of a workout!
It has also confirmed she will never want anyone else. Ever.
Yes, it has been over two years since last time, but it's more than that. It wasn't just sex; they were making love. Two people in love, like in the photo, but now here on this bed. Lovers.
It was all wonderful.
She knows they have to work out what this means, going forward.
She wants to be in a full relationship, not just have a one-night, or a one-morning, stand. She wants to be with him as much as she can. She misses curling up on the sofa with him, watching his movies. She misses meals with his sister, too. She certainly wants more times like they just had, lots more. She thinks he will want all of that, but they have to discuss it. Plan how this goes forward, how they go forward.
Not only that, they need to discuss what it means for missions.
She only wants to go on missions as a couple and certainly does not want any seduction missions again, but they need to discuss this together and then convince Beckman. That might not be easy.
All that is for later. Right now, she just wants to savor what has happened. She lies on her side and just looks at her lover. She drifts off to sleep as well.
"Chuck, I want us to move in together, too, but we have to work out how everything is going to work, not just where we are going to sleep!"
This conversation only started ten minutes ago, but she is already getting frustrated with how he can't focus on planning. At all.
"But, Sarah, where we sleep is the foundation of a relationship," he insists.
She looks at him, saying nothing. He slumps down, then says, "Okay. I know that's not true, but it's important, Sarah."
"Why is it important, Chuck?"
He looks away and suddenly doesn't seem to want to talk about it.
She takes hold of his chin and pulls his face back towards her. "Tell me."
He sighs, then confesses, "It's a commitment."
She is speechless for a few seconds, then, trying to control herself, says very quietly, "Commitment? So, are you taking some responsibility and want to show commitment? Or are you implying I don't?" Mentally, she almost dares him to say the latter.
He gulps and she has her answer.
Her ire is rising. He wants commitment FROM her! The man who didn't show commitment TO her!
She gets up and start to pace the room. Trying to keep the anger in. Trying not to lash out at him.
Chuck gets up and finally starts to talk. "Sarah, I…" She holds up her hand and he stops talking.
After a minute of pacing, she finally can talk, rather than yell. She sits back down and waits for him to join her. When he does, she starts to talk, controlling her voice. Keeping it monotone and quiet. "So, you want me to show commitment to this relationship going forward? Me, the one who was giving up everything for you. To save you from being a spy, a job that would have killed you, one way or another. I was giving up my job, my reputation, my life for you. I think that's commitment, but you obviously don't agree."
Chuck opens his mouth, but she doesn't let him speak. Still in that same tone, she continues, "No, Chuck. This time you listen."
She looks him in the eyes. "Then there's you. Someone who agrees that we should be together and seemed to want that. Look forward to it. Made a commitment to it. Then you change your mind. Valid reasons, I now think, but chose not to talk with me about it when you broke that commitment and just walked away."
She has managed to control her anger and is now just disappointed. It feels like he only wants her on his terms. Not a partnership at all. She feels like all the good that he's done since returning has all been a lie.
A tear starts to escape her right eye and she quickly wipes it away, but more follow. "We've just made love, Chuck. I thought we were making a commitment to that love. I never thought you would do this to me, after we had done that."
She certainly can't stop the tears now.
He tries to explain. "I have insecurities…"
She knows this, but just thinking about himself again is not acceptable.
Somehow, she stops herself from yelling, "YOU have insecurities! What about me?"
Once again, she keeps her tone quiet and controlled. "Chuck, you are not the only one with insecurities. You rejected me when I was giving you everything! Don't you think I might be terrified you might do that to me again? I have real insecurities about us, about you, but I am trying to plan how we can make this work, not just how we can have sex when you want it."
She knows that won't be what he is thinking, but he's got her so upset, just thinking about himself again; not considering her at all, not talking about it, as a couple. It felt like that platform all over again. So, she's said what first came into her head, because she feels like their time this morning didn't seem to mean anything to him. Some bastards would want to control their partner like that. Probably not him, but he has made her feel that her wishes are unimportant.
He sits quietly, obviously realizing how much he has upset her. How much he's screwed up, again. Then he starts to get up. "I should go."
Sarah hadn't thought this through, she had been so upset. However, she doesn't want to break up, just wants him to think beyond his own needs. Care for her. Can he?
Sarah pushes him back down and huffs. "No!"
He looks at her, questioningly. "No?"
She sighs and sits by him. "No. If you leave now, we are over. We will both have had the sex we've wanted, but you will have turned it into a one-morning stand."
She turns and looks him in the eyes. "I don't think either of us really want that, Chuck."
He shakes his head, obviously frightened of speaking, making another mistake.
She continues, "I just wish you could think 'we' instead of 'me, me, me,' Chuck."
He blushes, but stays quiet.
"I thought you were thinking about me, Chuck, over the last two weeks. That's not really good either, but did make me feel important to you. Your comment about commitment, and thinking I need to demonstrate that, makes me feel you think so little of me, like you think I am a possession, not a girlfriend, Chuck."
He looks shocked, hearing that. "I certainly wasn't thinking that, but I am so sorry I've upset you again, Sarah."
She looks at him. He does look sorry.
She takes his hand getting him to look at her. "I'm sorry it upset me so much, but I'm sensitive at the moment, Chuck. Probably oversensitive and overreacting."
He grips her hand. "I know you're sensitive at the moment, Sarah. I've caused that and I keep saying things that make it worse."
She knows he needs to understand what he is doing, probably unintentionally, but still doing it.
She quietly says, "It's not just what you say, Chuck, it's what's making you say them."
He raises his left eyebrow.
She tells him, honestly, "You're very self-centered, Chuck. I know your past has been hard, but our relationship can't work with you just thinking about your needs and not mine, or more importantly, ours."
He nods and looks ashamed. "I've had to be like that, Sarah. Life has taught me to look out for myself because no one, other than Ellie, looks out for me. I know that's no good for us. I am going to try to think 'us' but it is not natural for me."
"But you are always trying to help others, Chuck."
Then she suddenly has a terrible thought. One that makes her feel shaky. She looks at him. "Which is the real you, Chuck? The one that helps others because he wants to help everyone? Or is it the one who helps others because that makes people like him more, or dislike him less? Or the one who does it to make himself look like a hero?"
He looks shocked, but then thinks about it. It looks like he's never done such self-evaluation. After a minute, he says, "I'd like to say the first one, but I think it might be a mixture of the first two. Certainly not the third."
"And in a personal relationship?" she asks, genuinely curious.
"I guess in the other situation, there is little personal interest at risk. In this, us, I can really be hurt, so I overcompensate."
She considers what he has said. "Chuck, we have to change that, somehow. I also have my walls that I hide behind to shield myself from harm, or from thinking about the horrible things I have to do as an agent."
She takes a deep breath. "I'm no expert on relationships. You know that, Chuck, but even I can see that this will only work if we both break down our walls and insecurities and work on making this a success. Don't you think?"
He nods. "I agree. I am going to try to make changes, think more before saying things that could hurt. Now you've made me more aware of how my walls and insecurities are affecting you, us, I am going to try to be less insular and think about what I am doing to you."
This feels so good. "Thank you, Chuck."
She knows she needs to change, too. "And I'm going to think about your challenges, your insecurities, and not just hear what you say, but think about why you're saying it. I also need to tell you my thoughts rather than just assume that you will understand from the few words I do say. I am already trying that. And hope it is working."
Chuck nods. "It is. Thank you, You're right, we have to talk to each other. Like this. What you've done, opening up and telling me so much, has been so good, Sarah. I can't express how much it means to me."
He looks at her with complete conviction, "I'm going to try to think 'us.' What do 'we' want or need?"
This makes her so happy and wants to tell him that, but before she can say anything, he declares, "But more than that, I'm going to try to think what you want, Sarah."
No, no, no! Don't slip back now, Chuck!
She shakes her head. "Oh, no. Don't do that. If you get it wrong, it will only cause problems. You instinctively make those assumptions. Talk to me, Chuck. We will make decisions together. Or we will fail."
He looks a bit shaken by already getting it wrong. "Okay. Whenever I feel my insecurities taking over, I'll really try to talk to you, rather what I usually do, assume/decide/act without talking. AND I won't try to guess what you want, I'll ask."
She is happy that he seems to understand. She continues, "Insecurities are a part of our problems, Chuck, but assumptions are, too. We both frequently make wrong assumptions about the other. We have to stop that, Chuck. Do you agree?"
She waits for him to acknowledge that, then says, "If we work on this together, as a team, as a couple, we should be able to make it work. I AM committed to this and, if you are too, we WILL make it work."
She pauses, thinking there is more to it than this. "There will be a lot of hurdles for us to cross, Chuck. Neither of us have been in a successful relationship, so we will make mistakes, but if we talk about them and work on them together, I think we will be unstoppable."
She then thinks of one of their challenges. "Chuck, about those insecurities we both have; one of the first thigs we need to do is talk about them; make sure the other knows all about them; the causes, how embedded they are in our beliefs, behavior and our actual personality; what triggers them and most importantly how the other person can trigger them. I think, if we can crack this problem, many others will be avoided."
Chuck nods and looks enthusiastic about that prospect.
She now feels that they are making progress.
After a minute of just thinking about all this, she remembers something else they need to discuss. "We also need to decide what we are going to tell Beckman, about us, and how we can get what we want."
He nods.
This is going to be hard, but they have to be prepared.
After a takeout for lunch, they had spent the first part of the afternoon discussing what to say about their relationship to Beckman.
In the end, they'd decided to be open about it. He was no longer her asset. She was no longer his handler. He wasn't an agent, but he was a fellow government employee. They worked as a team, with Casey, A damn good team, before Prague.
However, that would wait until the first item, persuading the general that Chuck wouldn't be an agent. That was going to be hard, as she wanted an operational Intersect that could work independently. She already knew Chuck wasn't right for this, but had instructed Sarah and Casey to make it happen.
Sarah had arranged to talk with Casey that evening about this. Now, Chuck had agreed to be part of that discussion, so she'd asked Casey to meet earlier, late afternoon in Castle. Casey had agreed.
As soon as they walk down the steps into Castle, Casey could obviously tell something had changed. He grunts. "You're together."
Chuck as usual didn't see the signs like Sarah did. "Yeah, we came in the same car."
Sarah winces, which gets an amused grunt from the older man. "Bet you did!"
Sarah cuts off any further discussion like this. "We need to talk about Chuck and Beckman's desire for him to be trained as a spy."
"Never gonna happen," Casey states.
Sarah smiles. "We agree."
Casey looks at her. "We?"
She stares him down. "Yes. We."
Another grunt, then, "Good."
Chuck is obviously still not fully understanding what is being said, so Sarah grabs his hand. He looks at her, surprised.
Sarah turns to Casey. She stares at him and says very slowly, "But only today."
"Hmm."
Chuck has finally grasped what Casey meant with his first question and why Sarah had just made that final comment. "You okay with this, Casey?"
The seasoned NSA agent looks at him. "Your dancing around each other before your training in Prague, drove me mad. What I saw when you returned was even worse. Hopefully now you can both focus on the missions, rather than what's in each other's pants."
Chuck looks shocked. This isn't helping, so Sarah tightens her grip on his hand. He looks at her. She makes a slight head shake at him. He nods and keeps quiet.
Casey chuckles, but says nothing more, thankfully.
Sarah looks at both men and says, "Let's plan what we are going to tell Beckman about this non-spy."
A/N: This was a long one, but I decided to get the whole day in the one chapter.
That was quite a change, wasn't it? Well, she had been falling for him more and more over the previous two weeks, and had been desperately in love with him for the previous two years, so maybe not sudden. Even after that, their insecurities still caused problems, but they will be working on that together now; another significant change.
Next chapter, the call with General Beckman.
Please leave a review, telling me what you think of this chapter.