A/N: Whelp, here we are. It's taken a few years longer than it should've, but we've finally reached the end.
Tensions were high in the totally not at all suspicious white, windowless van that was parked down the street from Spandam's house. In the cabin of the car sat Usopp in the driver's seat and Zoro in the passenger's. Crowded in the back sat Sanji, Nami, Franky, Luffy, Chopper, and Brook. Everyone seemed to hold their breath, except Luffy who seemed to be dozing, as they waited for Robin and Vivi to be invited into Spandam's house to discuss the contract for their illegitimate home security business.
Usopp, looking through his binoculars, chuckled and held his right thumb up. "They're in!"
"Good," Zoro huffed from the passenger seat. He dug through the bag of gear Usopp brought and tossed a small earpiece to Usopp, who scrambled to catch what was probably a five-figure piece of equipment. "Set that up for Nami, would ya?" Zoro asked in his it's not a request voice as he fiddled with the matching headset.
Usopp turned on the device and passed it to Nami, briefly explaining its volume adjustments and how to fit it most comfortably into her ear.
"Testing, one two, testing" Zoro said.
"Testing, I'm right fucking behind you, testing" Nami scoffed with a beautifully elegant roll of her eyes.
"Testing, but can you hear me through the damn earpiece, testing."
"Testing, loud and clear, testing." Nami giggled, and stuck her tongue out playfully, which only got a much less graceful eyeroll from the Mosshead in response.
After an agonizing crawl of time, Usopp glanced down at his wristwatch. "Okay, they went in about five minutes ago. We should probably get ready for the distraction soon."
"My time to shine!" Franky hollered and pounded his fist against the roof of the van in his excitement. "Yo, Sanji-bro. You gotta paper bag?"
"Paper bag?" Sanji was thrown by the sudden request, but fortunately it wasn't for anything too obscure. "I think I brought some leftovers home the other night. I keep the Tupperware to the right of the sink. Just put the food in there and you can have the bag."
"SUPAH!" Franky roared as he burst open the back door of the van.
"Wait, what the hell do you need a bag for?" Zoro asked, twisting around so he could glare directly at Franky.
"Don't worry Zoro-bro. It's all part of my plan to help distract Spandam!" Franky yelled before slamming the doors shut and racing down the street towards Sanji's house.
Zoro shifted his glare down at Luffy, who stared back at him blankly, and then over to Chopper. "What's he got planned?"
"I don't know." Chopper replied. His voice was youthful and anxious as ever, yet his eyes were more determined than Sanji had expected. "He just told us to get into position when he came back with his supplies and to run like H-E-double hockey sticks after he rang the doorbell."
"Well he'd better get his shit together soon." Zoro grumbled as he leaned forward in his seat, staring out the window to where Nami was sneaking around to the back of the house.
At Zoro's borderline threat, Luffy burst into a fit of giggles that only stopped when Sanji had to practically smother the idiot in the chokehold.
"He's getting his shit together right now, Zoro." Luffy smiled brightly despite the arm wrapped around his neck, and Sanji was forced to let the cheeky brat go when Franky exited his house, the paper bag full of something in his left hand.
Franky didn't bother to approach the van completely, stopping instead on the sidewalk across the street and gesturing for the remaining members of his team to come over in such a spectacularly obvious gesture that Sanji fully expected their ramshackle operations to be discovered on the spot. Thankfully the stupendously intelligent women inside had engaged Spandam fully, and no one happened to look out any windows to see a perverted engineer gesticulating and hip thrusting without shame.
Luffy and Chopper quickly headed over, and the three approached Spandam's doorstep at a crouch. Franky gently placed the bag down on the porch, directly in front of the door, and pulled out a lighter. Sanji was wondering if Franky had nicked that as well from his house as Franky lit the edge of the bag on fire and rang the doorbell. The three sprinted away from the porch and had reached the road by the time the front door had opened. Spandam, seeing the small fire, reacted as most would and immediately stomped on it to put it out.
It was then, that it all clicked together. Like placing the final piece of a puzzle into its spot.
"That absolute bastard." Zoro murmured, apparently having caught onto the scheme as well.
And so, leaning forward into the cabin of the van, Sanji watched as Spandam stomped on the miniature fire on his front porch and subsequently got his shoe covered in the literal shit once contained inside the burned paper bag. And, like with the fire, Spandam responded as most others would.
"YOU FUCKERS!" Spandam roared and tore down the porch after the three cackling idiots who took off down the street. The moment they turned the corner onto Logtown Lane, Brook slide open the van door and stepped out.
"Remember," Sanji warned him. "She is, well, she's a lot, okay? Just keep talking and you should be fine."
"Thank you for the advice," Brook replied, so genuine in his gratitude that Sanji felt like absolute scum for sending him in.
"Be careful," was all he could find it in him to say before sending the poor man to the wolves, or rather, to the cougar. Sanji slid the van door shut and watched through the driver's side window, his stomach heavy with empathy, as Brook knocked on the door, politely greeted Bethany with his excuse as a door-to-door pastor looking for donations, and was dragged in. Perhaps affected by the ruse they'd invented for Brook, Sanji saw fit to send a little prayer to any higher being that Brook would make it out unscathed.
The van sat in a tense silence for a minute before Usopp, whose earpiece connected to Brook's, gave the go-ahead with a thumbs up. Zoro nodded and activated his headset.
"Nami, Spandam is out, and Bethany is occupied. You are a go."
Sanji watched as Nami disappeared behind the corner of the house, likely heading for the back door.
Zoro sat back in his seat with a sigh, but his fingers drummed a rapid rhythm against the armrest. Sanji didn't tease him for this, his own foot tapping anxiously against the floor of the van and his fingers itching to pull out a cigarette and light up. He settled for chewing on one, a small portion of his mind bemoaning the waste of tobacco all the while.
The three sat in the van, each trying to find was to pass the time without distracting themselves too much from the task at hand, until an agonizing ten minutes had passed.
"Nami, are you almost done yet?" Zoro asked, his quiet voice coming across more as a boom in the suffocating silence around them. "I don't know how much longer Spandam can chase Franky and Luffy. We're not exactly dealing with a paragon of fitness here."
Desperate to be kept in the loop, Sanji leaned in close and practically touched Zoro's cheek to his as he tried to hear Nami's response.
"Don't worry, Zoro. I'm nearly finished. Just gotta check and make sure he didn't hide anything under a fake- whoa, what the hell is this?"
"What? What did you find?" Sanji asked, thinking they may have struck gold with the ultimate evidence. The pièce de résistance of blackmail, if you will. Zoro tried to elbow him away, but Sanji latched onto the seat so he could continue to listen in.
"Well, either it's a new Hunter x Hunter OVA I haven't seen yet, or it's some twisted porno involving a clown, a young boy, and- Jesus Christ what are they doing with that vacuum? Is that even legal?"
"It definitely isn't in my country," Vivi added, her voice notably shaken by the horror she was witnessing.
"It's certainly…inspirational." Robin added with what sounded like a sly grin. Sanji took a moment to send his thoughts and prayers to Franky and whatever hell Robin was going to be "inspired" to do with him later.
"Oh my God, how are they even fitting-"
"Nami!" Zoro cut in, the tip of his ears a bright red, Sanji was amused to note. "Focus on the mission! Remember?"
"Aw, but Zoro, this is some Avant Garde shit. Weird and disturbing and gross, but I just can't look away. I mean, the production value alone is-"
"Nami, I will give you $100 to shut up right now."
"Ha, you wish you had that much." Nami snorted.
"Then how about the rest of my Jameson?"
"Throw in your Beefeater and you got a deal."
Zoro thunked his forehead against the passenger window. "I shouldn't be making deals when we've already got a plan." He muttered, but Sanji doubted Nami heard him through the laughter he picked up through the headset.
Sanji ignored the buzzing phone in his pocket as he tried to listen in on both the argument Zoro was having with Nami about whether it was worth digging around for Spandam's online banking password and the conversation Usopp was now having with Brook about how he absolutely needed to keep distracting Bethany. Sanji had gone so far as to take today off; he even made sure someone had come in to cover his shift. And with all his friends currently located here, there was absolutely no reason anyone other than a spam bot could be calling him.
Unless…
He yanked his phone from his pocket and saw it was Franky calling. Walking with an awkward hunch backed hobble, Sanji headed towards the rear of the van so he wouldn't distract Zoro or Usopp with the call. He managed to answer just before it reached voicemail.
"Sanji-bro!" Franky shouted. "He wasn't mad enough to keep chasing us! He's heading back to you guys!"
"What? Spandam?" Sanji asked, as if they could possibly be talking about anyone else.
"Luffy just tried to tackle him, cuz he's a minor and can't get sued for assault-"
"Technically he can Franky." Sanji interjected as he headed back to the cabin of the van and peered out the windshield. He didn't see any sign Spandam yet, which was a good sign.
"-but Spandam dodged him. Now Luffy's too hungry to chase him, and Chopper tapped out a mile ago." Judging by the huffing, Franky was currently the only one still pursuing the man.
"Where is he? What street are you guys on?"
"Dressrosa Drive, but he's about to turn onto Whiskey Peak."
Shit. That wasn't far. "Franky said Spandam's heading back, he's almost on Whiskey Peak." Sanji announced to the others.
"Fuck!" Zoro snapped. "Nami! He's like three minutes away. Close everything up and get out of there."
"Hold on, I just found his account history. I'm printing out a purchase he made July 5th for a new pair of swim trunks. Awfully convenient timing, if you ask me."
Meanwhile Usopp was babbling with Brook about getting out of the house now. "I don't care how rude it is Brook, you need to leave…no you can't wait for her to-no don't worry about your shirt I'll get you a new one…I DO SO HAVE ENOUGH MONEY!"
"Nami. Get out." Zoro ordered through clenched teeth. "…leave his passwords alone…look I know it's funny, but you can't get caught!" Zoro huffed and rapped his knuckles against the dashboard. "Wait, Bethany's where? Just what in the hell is Brook doing?! Never mind, just a different way out of the house."
"I'm being serious Brook, I am a director…seriously…have you ever seen The Merry Go…yeah that was me…sure, of course I can sign it for you after this…well I'm always happy to meet a fan."
Usopp chuckled bashfully and Sanji could tell by the tone that he was gearing up for a patented Usopp Tall Tale. Normally Sanji indulged Usopp in his unashamed bragging, but since they were sort of on a time hack, he decided to gently remind Usopp to stay focused with a kick to the seat strong enough to send him crashing into the steering wheel.
"Shit," Usopp wheezed. "Right, Brook, get out of the house now and I'll sign your movie for you. Promise."
The van rocked suddenly as Zoro practically kicked open the passenger-side door and jumped out of the van. He sprinted towards the house and Sanji followed his trajectory until he noticed Nami dangling out the left side second story window.
He'd left his headset on the seat in the rush, and Sanji gingerly picked it up and passed it to Usopp, who'd finally convinced Brook to leave. As much as he'd love to stick around to see everything play out, he figured someone ought to head to the street corner and keep an eye out for Spandam.
Exiting the van via sliding door, Sanji jogged to the intersection of Whiskey Peak and their own street –East Blue Bay. He searched the street, but due to the winding nature of the road he wouldn't see Spandam until he was about 100 yards away. He glanced back at the house to see Zoro gesturing at Nami and was distracted by someone approaching from the intersection of East Blue Bay and Little Garden Avenue. In a few seconds, the figure's pale lavender hair and familiar gait revealed the identity of the person and Sanji took off at a sprint, cursing Franky for giving him the wrong fucking directions.
"Mr. Spandam, I have a question about our, um, about the mailbox colors." Sanji blurted out the moment he was close enough for Spandam to hear.
"Later." Spandam snapped as he continued to stride towards his house with long, angry steps. Sanji quickly placed himself to block Spandam's view.
"No, but um, it's really important!"
"It can wait, Mr. Black."
"It really can't, Sir. It's about Zoro!"
"Roronoa?" Spandam rumbled, pausing briefly at the mention of the menace.
"Yes, exactly, he um, he repainted his mailbox and I was wondering if that was allowed. When I asked him, he said he could do whatever he wanted, and that you couldn't stop him. So I thought it best to-"
"That miserable wretch. If I had my way that odious cretin wouldn't even be allowed to work in this neighborhood, let alone live in it." Spandam spat, positively fuming as he began to stomp towards his house again. Sanji held his ground though, refusing to let Spandam see past him.
"Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Spandam hissed.
Sanji shot a glance backwards at Zoro, who was still standing below the side window urging Nami to just let go of the ledge while Brook was standing in the threshold of the front door as he was desperately trying to peel Bethany off of his body. He was noticeably shirtless. And with a flash of movement, his attention was back to Spandam who was in process of stepping around him.
Spandam couldn't look. He couldn't see. They needed to keep Spandam distracted otherwise this entire plan could be ruined! Spandam could not know who acquired this evidence and he definitely couldn't know how, otherwise he'd – reasonably— countersue for trespassing and theft. He could not know that this was all planned. But what could they do? What could he do?
Right before Spandam could finish moving, Sanji grabbed him by the shoulders.
And kicked him in the balls.
In the end, it all worked out. Sanji dodged Spandam's responding vomit and sprinted away with the frantic prayer that Spandam would be so traumatized from the pain that he'd forget all about Sanji's involvement and –technical— assault. He saw Nami falling from the windowsill into Zoro's arms right as Brook escaped from Bethany's clutches and raced past Sanji towards the van, the sliding door to which Usopp had open and was ushering Robin and Vivi into.
Zoro had been, at best, vague about what exactly came after this master plan of his. So, assuming he'd done all he could do, Sanji ran into his house only to realize that there might be some kind of rendezvous after the fact at Zoro's house and subsequently entered it via the back door.
He turned out to be half right, as the team came into the house piece by piece. First Zoro carrying Nami over the threshold like some kind of messed up wedding night. Then Franky came in through the backdoor with a cheerful whoop of victory. Next came Luffy, who climbed in from the guest bedroom window, and Chopper who came through the backdoor looking equal parts terrified and exhilarated. Finally came those who had to return the rented van. The four entered with a round of raucous applause from all gathered: Usopp (looking shaken but equally elated), Brook (still shirtless), Robin (head held high), and Vivi (who rushed into Nami's arms with relieved laughter). Drinks were quickly distributed, and everyone was abuzz with the adrenaline of a plan carried, if just barely, out.
"I just wanna say something real quick," Zoro said as he stood in the living room. Everyone was sprawled around on couches and chairs and tables and floors. They looked up from their respective conversations and drinks, but didn't seem to mind the interruption.
"Every single person in this room is fucking stupid and I'm happy to know you. I'll be calling Smoker tomorrow morning with the goods, so keep an eye on the target between 8 AM and noon for the show!"
And what a show it was. Sanji woke up as early as he could the next day, thankfully without a hangover but damn near close to one, just in time to butter his toast and watch the police cruiser pull into Spandam's driveway. As he sat on the porch, munching on his light breakfast, Sanji took in the spluttering protests and the pinched face near violet from the anger and the wild gesticulations that became frantic shoulder spasms when his wrists were cuffed.
Spandam spit and roared threats about his connections to a secret government organization or some crock of shit. Sanji didn't bother to smother his laughter when Spandam's head rammed into the doorframe of the police cruiser as Smoker, none too gently, shoved him inside.
And already the wheels in Sanji's head started turning. A way to thank everyone for their contributions. A barbeque for Luffy, and plenty of cola for Franky. He could pull out his ice-cream maker from storage to make a special treat just for Chopper. There was a new co-op with imported coffee beans that he was sure Robin would love, right down the street from a fish monger that served tuna suitable for making Usopp's favorite poke bowl. Some fresh fruit would be needed to make the elaborate cocktails that Nami and Vivi deserved to enjoy, and while he didn't know Brook long enough to be certain, he had a feeling the man would enjoy a nicely brewed cup of tea with finger sandwiches. As for the oaf who managed to put the entire thing together, well, Sanji supposed he had enough money squirreled away to afford a spectacularly expensive bottle of sake.
Even if this entire escapade was technically a birthday gift, Sanji couldn't help but feel like he owed it to the others. Because finally, after nearly a year of this bullshit, the war against the HOA was finally over.
Good fucking riddance.
A/N: I just want to say thank you so much to everyone who has read this. Thank you if you've been reading it since 2016. Thank you if you started reading in 2020 when I picked this back up. Thank you if you just read it for the first time now. My writing has changed since I first started this fic, if not in style than certainly in subject, but it was important for me to continue this because this story, at its core, is about what I love most about One Piece: the connections made between each other.