Chapter 5
Silver
The house is still extremely dark and quiet when I exit my room, dressed and ready for the day. I'm used to getting up before the sun even rises, but it's never as early as this. Today is a special occasion though, it's Choosing day. The day when all those dependents who turned eighteen before a set deadline are deemed adults and ready to pick the faction they wish to live and work in. That's really just a simplified explanation for how complex it really is and what it can mean for each individual.
Some families might see it as a somber day, full of tension and the worry that they will be leaving the ceremony one fewer than they went into it with. Not our family though, this is a day that we celebrate our loved one as they take their place in our society. Admittedly, there have only been three that have personally affected us. Those were the years when my older brothers came of age. Today another one of my brothers will have his turn and like the others did, he will be choosing to leave our faction, Erudite, for Dauntless.
I make my way to the kitchen being as quiet as I can be about it. Not that I'm worried about waking anyone. My brothers are deep sleepers and my parents have their bedroom on the opposite side of the house. Once I'm here, I start to prepare things for breakfast with the family as well as gather up the items I'll need for my picnic with my brother Gabriel, or Gabe as we call him.
Knowing that my parents will be making the traditional breakfast they've made for each of their kids on choosing day, I decided not to take anything too heavy. Rather, I stuck with a few snack-like foods that hold special meaning to us.
I smile as I work, even if it's tinged with sadness. Mom calls food like this comfort food because it's more about the memories associated with the foods than the actual items themselves. I know to get through this day it's going to take every bit of comfort we can wrap ourselves in.
Last night while my brother and his friend were out celebrating their impending adulthood, we started preparing things for this special meal. We probably made way too much food, considering there will be two fewer people here to eat it after this meal, but we didn't care. She and I both know that food never goes to waste in our home.
What we don't eat ourselves we share with those we love. Not even counting the fact that my older brothers will most likely drop in sometime tomorrow or the next day just to check how we're all holding up. This is one of the ways that I do take after mom, so I know they won't leave empty-handed if we have anything to say about it.
People often think that I'm a near carbon copy of my mother in both looks and personality but the truth is that I'm not. I can honestly, and now happily, say that if anything I have an equal measure of my dad and mom.
I didn't always feel that way though.
When I was younger, comparisons between me and my mom used to upset me. Not because I didn't want to like her, but because I didn't feel like I ever would be. I was a scrappy little thing, always covered in dirt and bruises from my adventures with my brothers or being outside playing. It used to upset me that I couldn't be the kind of daughter I thought she always wanted...a daughter that could be her very own perfect little princess. I felt even worse when I became aware of how different I was from other girls. I wanted to be just like them, hoping that could make mom happy.
I was four or five at the time and my twin brother and I wanted to start going to school like our older brothers did during the day. Until then, we went to work with our parents where there was a type of childcare set up for anyone who wasn't school age yet. By then we were at the age where we should have been going, not to mention that we were the oldest ones there. It began to become boring to us, being stuck with literal babies all day, every day.
However, there was a reason why my brother and I hadn't gone into the school system like our brothers did when they were that same age. We were intellectually more advanced than our ages, putting us at the same level of education as our brothers in a lot of respects. It was our emotional ages that were a concern and made it hard to place us. So, we were left to do homeschooling. Which was fine for a time, but as we got older we wanted to be around kids our own age rather than just each other.
You know that saying...careful what you wish for? Well, it became a saying for a reason, and that's because it's true.
I wished and wished for a way to go to school with other girls and boys. As soon as I heard about a program that would let me do that I begged our parents to let us go. They didn't give in right away, they did a bit of research and observed a few of the remaining classes for the school year. We finally wore them down and they allowed us to be entered into the program at the start of the new school year.
Things were mostly fine in the beginning.
I was happy to be around others and eager to learn. Elijah always had an easy time making friends but I struggled for a few reasons. The primary one was that I was used to playing with my brothers and the boys in my class didn't want to play with me as they did. The others would get mad when Eli insisted they let me hang out with them. I didn't want my brother to be upset or lose his friends so I told him to stop trying to make them like me and that I didn't want to play with them anyway.
The second reason was that I didn't know how to relate to the girls in my class so I hadn't even tried at first. I knew I wasn't anything like them and didn't know how to be, I thought it might be better if I avoided them just so I wouldn't make a mistake or upset them. Even when I started to try after being so firmly rebuffed by the boys I struggled badly enough that I finally just decided it was better to fade into the background.
I remember clearly the day it all changed.
The class was going to be having a party and the teachers said we all had to look our very best. They even showed us pictures of fancy dress parties and talked about how to behave at one. I was excited about the party itself, but not so excited about having to wear a frilly dress. Especially when I realized I didn't have any that would be nice enough.
I went to my mom and asked her if we could get me a new dress and if she could do my hair for school. Mom readily agreed to everything.
I couldn't help noticing her smile and how happy she seemed as she helped me with my hair. Then I went to school and all the teachers gushed about how pretty I looked, how proud of me my mom must be…and I remembered her smile and the shine of tears in her eyes when she sent me on my way that morning.
I remembered how she said she just had to take a picture of me in my dress in the garden before I went to school. I realized that by just putting on a dress and curling my hair I was finally like the other girls and how happy that made everyone around me...especially mom.
From then on I would only wear dresses and I kept my hair all done up nice and neat. I stopped playing the games I used to play and refrained from roughhousing with my brothers. I refused to get dirty in the garden and tried to only play with the toys I knew other Erudite girls liked to play with. I signed up for dance classes and dropped out of the tumbling/gymnastic ones I had been in with Elijah.
Even with all that, I still didn't feel like I fit in. It wasn't enough. I don't remember how or why I got the idea, but I started to spend more and more time at school activities, and less and less time with my family. I can only vaguely remember the reason for this was that at the time I believed being around my brothers too much was holding me back from becoming who I should be...I just don't remember why I started to think like that.
I was completely miserable the entire time, but I was also stubborn as hell and determined to be the perfect girl no matter what...until it became too much for me and I got sick.
I literally made myself sick with misery and trying to be something I wasn't.
It broke my family's heart, especially mom, to see me putting myself through that when all along I hadn't needed to. She always accepted and loved me exactly as I was and always would.
It wasn't long after that when our parents officially pulled us from the school. Since I was already out due to being sick I just never went back. It was a relief to me that I didn't have to worry about trying to fit in anymore, especially since I was left with anxiety and other issues from that experience.
My parents didn't stop at just pulling us from the program though, and at first, I thought blaming the teachers and the program for what happened was a little overboard. I figured whatever went wrong was all my fault. No one else had the problems I did. I felt guilty that Eli was missing out but he pretty quickly assured me that he was just as relieved as I was about not having to go back there. I hadn't realized my twin had been having his own struggles, they just weren't as apparent as mine were.
I was still so young then and I didn't understand that they saw something happening that I didn't. It wasn't until a few years later that I found out the entire program was some kind of psychological and social exercise in conditioning young up-and-coming Erudite dependents so they could ensure they behaved exactly like the faction needed them to.
In my eyes, and in hindsight, the experience wasn't all bad because it brought our family closer as a result.
Afterward, our brothers made more of an effort and were around more often than they had been. They also started to take us along on their little adventures of exploring beyond our home.
Mom and dad found other ways for me and Eli to be around kids our own age again after we recovered and were ready for that. They also found ways to spend one on one time with their kids. I guess they believed if they had been doing that from the start then maybe I wouldn't have felt the need to go to the lengths I did just to make her happy.
But, the biggest, and most welcome, change was my relationship with my mom. It wasn't like we weren't close before then, because we were. It was just that most of our time spent together was also with the rest of the family too.
I was too young then to realize my mom hadn't been so happy that day because I was being more girly or anything like that. She was happy because she and I got to spend that special time together, just the two of us. Not only that, but for the first time in a long time, she felt like I needed her and that was what she longed for most from me. I hadn't realized it either, because I was usually dead set on being independent and doing things for myself, but I longed for the same things she did. Mom determined that that needed to change right away. She and I found stuff to do together for our bonding time outside of the things we already all do as a family.
She dedicated an entire day for just the two of us to spend together doing whatever I wanted to do. I was still slightly caught up in the need to be her princess, so I kept suggesting activities like tea parties and other things I saw or heard from the other girls that they did with each other as well as with their own mothers. Mom indulged me but she also slowly started to make changes to put different spins on my ideas. Her goal was to make them more and more like something I would truly enjoy and instead of just pretending to like because I thought that's what I thought I should feel.
Basically, as she informed me later, she had to de-program me from how I thought girls should behave.
The first time I suggested a tea party she agreed and let me arrange it just like I remembered from class, with only a slight change of scenery. Our tea party took place in the garden under our favorite tree on a small table big enough for two. We wore pretty sundresses and drank out of mom's nicer set of teacups. Afterward, she told me that she had a good time but that maybe we could make some tea cakes and sandwiches for the next one. Of course, I agreed immediately.
That week whenever we would all gather together in the living room after dinner, she and I poured over recipe books. It was such fun pointing out the things we might like, or the ones she already knew how to make, and then would explain the process to me. The rest of the family enjoyed giving their own input from time to time, of course, but it was mainly just the two of us.
I loved picking out the cakes and then making them together so much that I forgot all about my previous insistence that we had to get dressed up to have our tea and cakes. This happened a few more times until, eventually, I forgot all about the notion of a tea party at all and eagerly joined mom as we started to cook and bake different things with each other. We still sat down and enjoyed our creations with tea, but it was more relaxed and the dress was optional instead of required.
Even now we still get together like that, though as I've gotten older it isn't as often as we would like. Last month we were able to spend an entire morning together. We decided to go out into the garden and spread out on a blanket under our tree where we could talk and work on art projects each of us had.
I guess we had been feeling nostalgic about those first few tea parties together because we each turned up in the kitchen wearing comfy sundresses. We decided to just go ahead and make it a real tea party. She even had the idea to use the fancy cups for our tea again.
To go with our dainty cups and pretty dresses, we made a decadent feast of a smoked salmon tart, puff pastries filled with savory things like prosciutto, asparagus, and sun-dried tomato mixtures. Most delicious of all were the cheesecake parfaits that had strawberries and blueberries from our own garden.
For all the rich food and delicate dishware, it was still our own version of a fancy tea party. Which meant it was a more relaxed affair. One where we didn't bother with shoes or complicated hairstyles, as we prefer to leave our long hair out of the confining updos that we have to wear outside of the house. Then we spent the better part of the morning indulging in the tasty treats we prepared. All while listening to music, talking, and laughing; cocooned in the safety of our families' very own version of a secret garden.
Another one of the notions I got from my time in that program was the belief that the perfect little girl would love music and art. This was something else she went along with, but just as she did with my tea parties, Mom added her own twists to this idea. She made it so that we explored together what we each liked the most about both art and music, although she already had some of her own preferences.
We quickly discovered that I had just about as much talent in drawing and painting as she did, which was hardly any at all, but we both loved taking pictures. While mom mainly loves to take photographs of flowers, trees, and just anything vibrant she can find in nature; I like taking pictures of anything and everything that happens to catch my eye and developing them mostly in black and white.
In music, I found out how much I love playing almost any instrument I can get my hands on while mom primarily sticks to the guitar. She gladly taught me everything she knew about that instrument, but when I expressed to know about more she just as happily decided we would learn those together as well.
That experience, the learning and discovering new things with her, brought us closer together than ever before.
Nowadays, more of my time has to be dedicated to my independent studies or mandated faction projects. That means we don't get to spend as much time playing music together or going out and taking pictures of whatever might take our fancy. So we try to dedicate at least an hour or so a day indulging in our other shared passion of cooking, or finding a new recipe to try. We even take advantage of the time needed for the task of preparing lunches and other things the family can all grab and take with us on our busy days.
Yesterday, I knew mom needed that time together again just as much as I did. She made it a point to leave work early then the two of us took a trip to Amity and visited their market to pick up items for the things we wanted to make later that day and this morning.
It was a good day and I'm smiling at the memory of it as I finish up doing my part to help for the family breakfast later on. It doesn't take me long after that to pack up everything I want to take for my picnic with Gabe.
By the time I'm done and have everything ready to go, it's no longer the dead of night but dawn is still a ways off. I move through my too-quiet home, reflecting on how empty this big house has felt since one by one my older brothers have left it. I try not to let sadness overwhelm me as I stand in front of Gabriel's bedroom door.
Today he will be leaving us as well.
I should be happy he'll finally get to join Nate, Luke, and Sam...and really I am happy. This is the dream that all of us have had since we were young, to leave Erudite so we can make our place in Dauntless. I just wish this didn't hurt so bad.
I love all of my brothers dearly but I seem to share a special connection with three of them.
Elijah is a given, considering we're twins and all. We've always been close and have a way of being able to communicate with each other without ever saying a thing.
Honestly, he feels like an extension of myself. Especially when it comes to sparring against our older brothers. Together, we became virtually unbeatable. That's why our dad decided it was time to separate us. Now when we get the chance to go against one of our brothers during their visits, we do it individually. Since they can't always be here though, dad started to make us face off against each other. We're still having a hard time with this. It just feels wrong to us, but we know it has to be done.
Nathaniel, the eldest of us, is another brother that I share a special connection. From what my mom tells me, it started when Elijah and I were still in the womb. He loved to put his head on her stomach to try and hear or feel us moving around. He also used to read stories to us or would just talk about his day. Mom joked with him that she hoped he would still want to do that kind of stuff once we were born, and he promised he would. He kept that promise and became mom's helper as far as we were concerned.
Even as he's gotten older that hasn't stopped. Not even being in another faction keeps him from seeing us as often as he can or talking to us via emails and such when work doesn't allow him to get away. Then there are our private weekly get-togethers where we go to a spot he found for the two of us to meet up in person. Before he transferred he made me a promise to find a place like that for us and he kept it. He always keeps his promises.
Finally, there's Gabriel. He's older than me by four years but that hasn't stopped him from becoming as close to me as Eli is...maybe even closer. While my twin feels like an extension of myself, Gabe has always felt like the sun in my sky.
Something that very few people outside my family know about me is that I still struggle with anxiety after that traumatic experience earlier in my life. It's worse when I have to be around a bunch of people, or at least ones I don't know well. Eli and I...well, we both have this same condition but for some reason, I seem to have it worse than he does. I've gotten better at managing it as I get older and a lot of that is because of Gabe. Out of everyone, even Eli...he's the one I can talk to about anything no matter how bad it is.
He's always been there for me and I know that leaving today is hurting him much worse than it is me.
So, for Gabe's benefit, I decided to put on a brave face and pretend to be happy today until I can make myself really feel that way. I'll put aside how much it's going to hurt to lose the presence of my brother in my day-to-day life. I have plans to enjoy the last bit of time we'll have together and not even his very likely hangover is going to stop this from happening.
Around two in the morning I heard Gabe and his best friend Eric stumbling into their rooms. Going by the overly loud whispers they used to say their goodnights to each other, I'm pretty sure they drank at the party they attended last night. That was really only a few hours ago but my brother made me promise that I would wake him up no matter how little sleep he got the night before.
I hesitate before I get to his room.
Right next door is where his friend is sleeping. The room is one that once belonged to my oldest brother Nathaniel, but remained empty after he left for Dauntless. It stayed that way until my parents decided that Eric could use it as his own anytime he spent the night here.
I didn't react well to that development and it still makes me cringe when I remember how I behaved when they first told me.
I came as close to throwing a tantrum as I would allow myself to. The only comfort I have now is at least no one else but my parents saw me acting like that. Especially since I wasn't really being truthful about my reason for being so upset that he took Nate's room. Nate had long since taken away anything he wanted or given the rest to the others. The room had been sitting empty, devoid of anything that would show anyone had ever slept there. So, it had stopped being Nate's room to me almost the moment he left and became just another room in the house.
What bothered me the most about Eric being given the room, was the fact that it was going to be awfully hard to avoid someone who would be essentially living in my house. Over the last few years, I've tried to avoid spending long amounts of time with Eric Coulter.
Frowning, I lift a hand and gently touch the door of the room, knowing this will be the last time he's ever going to be in that bed so near to me again. I always hoped that if I limited the time I had to spend with him, that I could stop the massive crush I was developing for Eric from getting even worse than it already was.
That didn't work out for me so well. This last week, as the reality of Gabe leaving set in for me, I realized that meant Eric was leaving too. It made me start to regret my decision to keep away from him. It hurts that I never used all that time I had available to me to really get to know him myself, and not just through what I saw or heard from others. Despite this, I can't help wondering if it would be hurting me even more than I already am if I had really gotten to know him, only for him to leave like I always knew he would.
Movement in my brother's room has me jerking away from Eric's door just in time for his to open and find me standing there.
"I was just about to wake you up," I whisper as quietly as I possibly can and hope he doesn't notice how flustered I'm feeling.
Luck seems to be with me because Gabe is looking more than a little worse for the wear right now.
"I didn't really sleep." He admits, shrugging sheepishly and looking bleary-eyed. "Do we have time for me to get cleaned up?"
I bite my lip and look at my watch then nod. "Yeah, as long as you make it quick. We have to be back here before everyone else wakes up."
"I will, I promise." He leans forward and plants a kiss on my forehead.
I smile before I wrinkle my nose and playfully shoved him away. "Ugh, you smell like a brewery. Definitely go get that shower. I'll make sure we have everything and wait for you by the door."
My brother grins while winking at me then hurries back into his room to go to the bathroom he shares with the room next door. I turned to head where I left the backpack. I already know I have everything but I figure that I should probably add something to help with Gabe's hungover state.
Even though I can hear Nate in my head telling me he deserves what will be coming to him, I love my brother too much to let him suffer, not if I can heal it in some way.
**** L&L ****
I've always loved the fact that our home is about as far away from the main parts of Erudite as my parents could get and still be considered living in the faction's section of the city. It only made sense for them to need to be close to nature, seeing as how their roles and jobs focused solely around it. Especially since the lab, greenhouses, and biodomes, they work in are all nearby. Because of their jobs within the faction they, and a few other people with families like them, were given leave to build right at the Erudite/Amity border.
This removal from the city and faction center is probably a big part of why I've never really felt like I'm even part of Erudite. Until recently I never had the desire to wander too far from home, especially into the urban parts of the city. I hadn't seen the need when there were so many fascinating things nearer to home. But lately, I've started to branch out by myself. During these times I take my camera with me so that I can capture the interesting things beyond my home turf, hoping to find a hidden gem for myself like my older brothers did before me.
It was during one of their explorations that Nate and Luke found the building where Gabe and I are having our early morning, rooftop picnic. While the building itself became a hangout spot for them, as well as the rest of us as we got older, it's really the roof where we seem to always end up spending the most time.
From here we have a perfect view of the city even though that isn't the main reason we all love it so much up here. No, the thing that drew us to this spot was because it was the last place the train passed by as it headed out of the Erudite section of the city and into the wilds that made up a good part of the Dauntless sector. In fact, Luke rounded up a map of the city once and found out that this same building technically straddles the two sectors though neither one claims it.
There was something poetic about it when they found that information and made it the deciding factor for them to lay unofficial claim to it. Sam once summarized it best when he said that the building is just like us; its foundations are in both Dauntless and Erudite. But unlike it, we are free to declare and claim where we belong for ourselves.
Sunrises are spectacular from up here. I just can't help dreading it when I see the night sky starting to fade while the first shades of the rising sun are being brushed into place instead. Any other morning I would be in heaven seeing this with my brother beside me and a small feast laid out in front of us. Despite my resolve to enjoy the morning, there's no stopping the sadness that's grown inside me from the moment we left the house and made our way to this rooftop.
Gabe must be feeling it too since other than the water and medicines I packed, he hasn't made a move for any of the food either. This is saying something...because none of my brothers are ones to turn down food, especially anything that I've made.
He sighs beside me, then reaches out and wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer until I'm tight against his side. "You know that being in Dauntless won't stop us from doing this anymore, right? It'll just be on a different rooftop. In fact, I already asked Nate to find one for us since I knew he wouldn't want to share his meeting spot with me."
"You know about that?" I ask, frowning and more than a little surprised. I mean, it wasn't like we were purposely keeping it a secret really. I guess I just didn't want the others to feel bad or get upset.
"Of course I know, we all do. He's always made it a point to spend at least a few hours alone with you two and we knew that wasn't going to change just because he went to Dauntless. Besides, he isn't quiet about those visits. Especially when he shares the food you send back with him. The only thing he refuses to tell anyone is where you guys meet. He told Luke and Sam a while ago that they would need to find their own special place and when I asked him he told me the same thing. The only difference is I also asked him to help me find one for us to meet since he knows the area better, and he did."
"I didn't mean for it to be a secret, you know. I just didn't want anyone to feel like they should be doing the same thing just because Nate is. I know how busy they all are with their jobs. Besides, it's not like I don't ever see Luke and Sam outside the weekly family dinners. Whenever Sam can get away we meet up and spend time together. Last week he met us in Amity and we went fishing. Luke is a bit busier but as you've seen yourself, we can always count on him to show up at least once a week to have dinner and watch a movie."
Gabe smiles and nods in agreement as I reach out for the thermos I packed, finally feeling a need for the drink I prepared. I pour him a cup first before making myself a cup then inhale it with a sigh of pleasure then take my first sip. I hear my brother doing the same thing as well. For the next few minutes, we just savor our chai with espresso in silence.
"God, I needed that. Too bad I'm not going to be able to take any with me. I'll probably need a lot more of it to get through the day." He groans and lowers the cup once it's empty.
"You're going to need more than just caffeine to get through what's in store for you," I can't help smirking over at my brother as we finally dig into the food I brought along. "I thought you would know better than to drink the night before once Nate promised to make your first week hell if you showed up hungover."
"Ugh...yeah, I know. I didn't even plan to go out until I saw how upset Eric was after his dinner with his parents last night. I knew he wouldn't want to talk about it and just tried to help him take his mind off it as best as I could."
There's so much I want to ask Gabe right now...but I'm afraid if I do I'll give away how worried I am about Eric after hearing this. I might avoid being around him for too long but that hasn't stopped me from either watching him or learning things about him over the years.
The easiest one is his relationship with his parents. Mainly that he doesn't have one to speak of with them. More than once I've heard my mom ranting about them to my dad when they didn't think I could hear them talking.
Some people in Erudite have called my mom an ice queen. I guess due to the fact that she can be cold as ice to anyone she just cannot stand. Not that there are many people my mom genuinely hates. She still has enough of her Amity upbringing that she generally tries to get along with everyone, or find at least something good about them to tolerate. For those not in her close circle of friends, she remains cool and slightly aloof without being disrespectful.
However, if someone earns her ire or hate, she does it with every cell in her body. Even though she might not show them how she really feels about them. Anyone that she dislikes or truly loathes...she can quite literally ice them out. Especially if that person has wronged one of her kids...and she has long since counted Eric among our brood.
So, saying Steven and Patricia Coulter are pretty high on her shit list in an understatement. Patricia seems to be above her husband for some reason. I think that might be because my mom just can't understand a mother willingly abandoning her child like she's done Eric.
"Did it work?" I finally made myself ask Gabe while trying not to sound too worried about his best friend.
Luckily, Gabe is looking away from me and at the train that is passing by us.
I turn my head to watch it too with an ever-growing well of sadness knowing that very shortly he's going to be on that train heading to Dauntless. The fact that Eli and I will be here later, watching him as he's taken away from us makes me curse the same train I usually look at with longing.
When it passes out of sight and it gets quiet again he shrugs his shoulders.
"I dunno," He mumbles around a mouthful of the last of his pastry. He brushes his hands together to rid himself of the crumbs even as he eyes the next thing that might appeal to him. "He wouldn't say what they wanted with him but later on he muttered that he didn't know why they decided that they all of the sudden cared about him leaving. Oh, and he also said much later that he didn't know what to do. Of course...he was well and truly drunk by that time so I don't know how he's going to wake up feeling about things."
"You're thinking he might stay in Erudite?" I ask in disbelief with wide eyes.
Gabe shrugs again then leans back on an elbow and looks up at me still sitting up. "I want to say that he won't...but as much as he says he doesn't care about them...they are still his parents. If he thought his staying would make them actually start acting like they are for once…"
He trails off when I let out a snort of disgust. "You've heard what mom says about them. They care for nothing but themselves, not even each other. They don't really care if he stays."
"Then why do you think they would have asked him to stay?" Gabe asks, frowning.
"You said it yourself that you don't know what really happened so we don't know that's what they did for sure. But... with everything I've heard about them? I honestly wouldn't put it past them to have done whatever they did just to upset Eric or mess with him. They probably don't want him to stay...but they don't want him to leave either. Because that would definitely be a black mark against them, and if there is one thing they do actually care about it's their appearances and standing within the faction."
My brother's response would most likely have both my mom and dad proving he isn't too old or big for a proper spanking considering the litany of curse words that come out of his mouth. In another instance I would have been taking notes at the fascinating combinations he's coming up with.
Right now, though, I think he couldn't be putting it any better what despicable people the elder Coulter's are.
"Fuck," He finally winds down and flops back onto the blanket beside me. "God, I hope he doesn't fall for whatever crap they're pulling."
"Gabe…" I pause and swallow hard as I look at my brother and fight back the momentary elation I felt at the thought of Eric staying. "Do you really think that would be enough to stay here? Even if he really believed his parents wanted him in Erudite...would he really stay in a place he knows he doesn't belong and would be miserable just because of the small chance they had a change of heart?"
"If he really believed they would finally be the parents he always hoped for? Yeah, I think he would. Being around us for so long probably made that hope worse for him. I think there's always been a part of him that's jealous of the closeness of our family. It's not as bad as it was at the very beginning but I think some of it still lingers. Did you know that at one point mom was going to request guardianship of Eric?"
"No," I reply, shaking my head and feeling stunned. "When was this….and why didn't she follow through with that?"
"Mom and dad talked to him about it before they actually did anything. By that time we were already thirteen and they knew he could technically be declared adult enough to live on his own. Dad said if he was old enough for that, then he should make his own decisions about his life. They told him if he wanted to live on his own, then they would sponsor him for emancipation. But they also offered to get guardianship and have him come live with us. He thanked them for the offer and said he would think about it...but he never brought it up again. I think he didn't want to be emancipated or come live with us because if he did, then the small ties he had with his parents really would be gone."
My mind is still reeling, mostly because I can't wrap my mind around the fact that Eric almost legally became part of our family...and how much more confusing it would have made being around him for me. But there is something else I can't really understand and I decided to voice that to my brother.
"How could he want to be there when he knew he had a place with our family?"
Gabe sat frowning in silence for a minute or so before he looked at me and heaved a big sigh.
"Because they're his parents, his blood, and that still means something to him, Sylvan. People think they know the real Eric and that he's just as cold, calculating, and downright nasty as his parents are, but he's not. I mean...don't get me wrong...he can be a mean and seriously scary son of a bitch if someone crosses either him or anyone he cares about. There aren't many people that he truly does feel that way towards but when he does...when he gives his loyalty to someone...he goes all in; even putting his own plans, wishes, or desires aside. Right now his parents still have a hold on him, even if it's tenuous and strained. They haven't crossed any of the mental lines he's drawn and until they do, I don't think he'll ever give up on secretly hoping they'll be a real family. That hope might just be enough to make him stay, even though he would be miserable if he does."
I sigh and lean against Gabe when he puts his arm around my shoulder. "Is there anything we can do then….to maybe help him make the right choice? Or just make the decision easier on him?"
"The only thing we can do is pray to every deity out there that they don't finally realize how much family means to him. Other than that...it's honestly all up to him. He has to make the decision on his own, just like we all do when it comes time. But if he does end up staying...then we'll be there for him like we've always been before. Being in a different faction won't stop me from being his friend any more than it's going to stop me from being your brother. We just need to make sure he knows that." I nod and pretend like I understand what my brother is saying, or that I agree at the very least, but that's not the case at all.
Inside I'm feeling more confused and unsure of myself than I've ever been. Usually, this is exactly the kind of problem I can go to my brother with and talk it out. If Gabe wasn't available for whatever reason, or I just didn't feel like I could talk to him about that particular subject, I could turn to my mom or dad.
Except, my family can't help me with this particular problem. They would probably be disappointed that there's part of me secretly hoping Eric does stay in Erudite. Hell….I'm disappointed in myself for even thinking about it for the spit-second that I do.
I make myself push that thought out completely. I actually make myself drive any thought of Eric at all out of my mind for the rest of my alone time with Gabe. It's not as hard as I imagined it would be, because my brother always has a way of drawing me out of my funk.
"So, who did you decide to work with? I know you and Eli had several people requesting you to be on their projects." He changes the subject to get me talking about the project I selected to work on this year.
I can't work with mom or dad anymore. Eli and I are being required to work with people other than our parents now. He's right that we did have several people requesting us, many of them are colleagues of our parents though. Gabe knows that I've been torn between sticking with what we are more comfortable with, like continuing to work with people our parents are friends with or at least know fairly well...or pushing myself out of that comfort zone and branching out on my own.
As much as I love my parents and their passion for nature sciences, as well as their love for the outdoors in general, I've found myself craving something else. My problem is that I have too many things I'm interested in and I haven't been able to decide.
I sigh and shrug at first. "I still haven't made up my mind. I have narrowed it down to either working with Shannon for one of her Biotech projects or Wayne in Biomedical."
"Well, how about you tell me what drew you to their projects, and maybe I can help you decide?" He says this as he leans forward and grabs one of mom's danishes, breaks it in half, and hands me part of it with a smug knowing smile.
I roll my eyes and take a bite of the pastry to hide my own smile. Despite knowing exactly what Gabe is up to, I take the bait and allow myself to be distracted by talking over my choices with him.
The rest of our time together goes by too quickly. Before I know it we are heading back to the house to wait for the others to wake up.
**** L&L *****
Refraining from thinking about Eric lasts until he sits down at the table for breakfast. Once he was in front of me there was no way I could stop myself from watching him like I normally do. Just because I avoid interacting with Eric doesn't mean I haven't taken opportunities to observe him while he's here. Usually, I do this from a distance but mealtimes have always been different. They're the one time I feel comfortable enough to be close to him anymore.
Mainly because I usually could count on one or two of my brothers to act as a buffer for me. Today Eli and Gabe do this instinctively, probably responding to my unease, not that I believe either of them at all thinks they need to protect me from Eric. Because I know if they thought for a second that was the case Eric would suddenly find himself very unwelcome here.
That's never been an issue I've had to worry about. Even though no one has ever told him why they are so protective of me and my twin, Eric must have sensed the slight underlying tension we have when we're around people we don't know well. Because from the start he has been nothing but respectful and goes out of his way to not intrude on our space. His deference is a big part of why I started to avoid being around him much when he's here. I didn't want him to feel like he had to walk on eggshells around me.
There's also the fact that I started to worry he would see me as a little girl who needed to be protected. Someone that couldn't even talk to other kids without needing her brothers around her. If there's one thing I hate more than anything, it's for anyone to think that I'm weak just because I'm a girl and have five protective brothers who are never far from me.
It especially rankles that Eric could ever think that about me, though I can't really explain why his opinion matters so much.
There isn't much talk between us as we all sit around the table. It's not tense really, it's more just a slightly sad but comfortable silence as we enjoy the food together. We can't linger too long over breakfast since there's a bit of a drive to get to the hub where the ceremony takes place. My parent's work vehicle can't fit more than four people at a maximum, so we'll need to take Erudite's public transport to the ceremony and that can add time to our journey.
As eating starts to wind down, Mom asks Gabe and Eric how they're feeling. It's pretty clear to us that they're hungover. Eric appears to be less affected but it's easier to figure out by Gabe's very rumpled appearance and the way he's wincing every once in a while. Despite that, they both reply that they're feeling okay.
She accepts that answer with a knowing and sympathetic smile. My Dad snorts in disbelief at their placations. Then he takes on a look we know all too well, one that says he's about to hand out a stern lecture but stops when she glares at him. Eli and I exchange smiles when he changes tactics and grunts out an order for them to be sure to take some aspirin and drink plenty of water while mom smiles at him lovingly.
I'm sure that my mom at least could sense something was bothering Eric, which is why she stopped my dad from saying anything about the boys drinking. Other than that one inquiry they otherwise didn't pry. Although, mom did do what she always does when something is bothering one of her kids by offering any comfort she could with a simple smile or kind word or two. This was also accompanied by producing a few of the treats she knows Eric is fond of. He accepted her attention with small smiles and a few faint blushes of embarrassment.
I grip my cup of tea and eye him through lowered lashes while he and mom are talking. Right now he's smiling at her as she indicates another batch of chai and espresso is ready for him should he want another cup before we go. He thanks her softly, his tone as polite as ever but a little strained. His smile is also a bit tighter, and when she turns her attention to Gabe offering him to make him another cup as well, Eric's smile falters slightly making him look a cross between wistful and sad.
That's only one of the signs that all is not right with him, that there's something bothering him besides being hungover. The other indication isn't as noticeable because even Gabe seemed to miss it when Eric finally joined us this morning. If I wasn't so worried about him after that conversation with my brother, I would be embarrassed about the fact that I noticed anything amiss at all, that's how small the signs are.
At first glance, he appears to be just as meticulously dressed and groomed as he always is. Anyone who didn't know him, or hadn't spent years watching him, would miss the smallest of signs that would suggest otherwise. Since it seems that lately my favorite hobby is observing and analyzing anything about my brother's best friend, even the little things stand out to me.
Over the years there have been things that I've noticed change about Eric that I believe have been influenced by our family. For instance, the fact that Eric adopted the same penchant my dad and brothers have for wearing the more practical versions of the faction's clothing requirements that we all have to adhere to. As he's gotten older he's moved away from directly copying them to creating a style all his own. One that isn't quite the formal, stiffness of Erudite or the casual, ruggedness of Dauntless. It's more like a mix of the two.
He wears his hair in a manner that's a cross between a buzz cut and a longer crew cut. Not quite severe as the close-cut Nathaniel prefers but definitely shorter and neater than Gabriel's casual and tousled style. I can clearly see the tell-tale signs that he recently had his hair cut again, making it look even sharper than his preferred style usually makes it.
His face is normally clean-shaven with not even a hint of the stubble my brother likes to sport but this morning there is a definite texture to his cheeks and chin. Not enough to make him look as rough as Gabe does right now, though it definitely hints he is hungover at the very least.
As far as clothes go, despite today being a day that most Erudite's will dress up in suits and dresses, he stuck to wearing what he would be seen in any other day.
Both Eric and Gabe are wearing dark blue slacks that are made of a lighter, more practical material that is suited for the active lifestyles they live. My brother likes to pair that with a polo shirt and sneakers. Eric, however, has always preferred to be less casual and thrown together looking, so he usually wears the same button-up shirts other guys wear and cap-toe leather boots. The difference is that he adds his own touch by wearing his sleeves folded up to just below the elbow.
Not rolled, or shoved up there...but folded so precisely I've always wondered if he irons them that way. Today they have a half-rolled look to them that suggests maybe he started to fold them but decided not to bother too much with it. Those things might not seem like big deals to anyone else but I know how important his appearance is to him. It's armor to him and the small lapses today are like chinks in that armor.
The Eric that I know would normally never let that happen, which is worrying, but we haven't left the house yet. Maybe he plans to take care of that before we go like I plan to do.
"We need to head out soon people," My dad gruffly informs us as he stands and starts to clear the table with Eli.
I slip away so that I can tidy myself up. Once I'm in my room, I stand in front of my floor-length mirror for the usual inspection I submit myself to anytime I venture out of my home. I would like to say I don't care what other people think of me, and if I'm dressed correctly, but the truth is that I do care. I don't like the attention I get on a normal basis, so doing anything outlandish that could draw even more my way is out of the question.
I always have my hair up in a bun or ponytail. Although sometimes I do a different design by adding in braids or a few of the pretty clips gifted to me by my family and my friends from Amity. The main goal is to keep it out of my face and look tidy. Though I will admit part of the reason I keep it up is so that it's one less thing to make me stand out or draw attention. The silver color does enough of that for me.
What I wear on any given day is usually influenced by two things, my mood and what I'll be doing that day. I long ago got over those ridiculous preconceptions about what a girl should or shouldn't wear, and now I'm likely to wear a dress just as often as I do pants. When I'm at the lab working on a project or at school, I stick to the more traditional clothes of our faction. When I'm not there or working in the garden or greenhouses, I can indulge in the cute and downright quirky clothes I've accumulated from different sources.
As I was getting ready this morning I was torn between wanting to wear a dress and needing to wear pants. For some reason, I had a strong urge to wear a nice dress so that Eric could see me in something like that at least once before he goes away forever. I find myself debating that once again. When I catch where my train of thought is going I huff and scowl at myself through the mirror.
"Get that thought out of your head this instance, Sylvan Bryant," I scolded myself in a growl then began to rework my hair from the ponytail I had it into a tight bun. When I have it secured enough I give my clothes a once over.
It's just a pair of navy blue ankle skinny pants and a white boat-neck cotton shirt with sleeves that stop just above my elbows. So nothing fancy. The pants are a bit form-fitting and the shirt is tucked in allowing my slim leather belt to show. I paired that with sneakers this morning. That was all fine for my outing with Gabe but might be a bit too casual for the Choosing ceremony. Frowning, I quickly kick off my shoes then move over to my closet just as someone knocks on my door.
"It's not locked," I call out without looking away from the closet. I've already exchanged the tennis shoes for a pair of cute red flats that will still allow me to go back to the rooftop with Eli after the ceremony.
"Hey, are you almost ready?" Eli asks as he walks up behind me. "You're not going to change are you?" I hear the frown in his tone and know he's probably thinking this is going to be one of those times it takes me forever to get dressed because I can't stop looking for faults.
"No, just grabbing my blazer," I murmur, stil without looking at him as I rummage through the side of my closet with my faction-appropriate clothing until I find the one I want.
It's the same navy blue as my pants and the style is that of an open-front blazer with tuxedo style lapels. It could be stiff and formal if it weren't for the fact that the front has a pointed hem. It's become one of my favorites to wear when I'm required to go to the school or Erudite's main complex. Mom has a similar one and after I mentioned how much I liked it, she brought one home for me. It wasn't my size, of course, but she quickly solved that by breaking out her sewing machine and altering it to fit me.
"This will work perfectly," I smile as I turn back to my brother. He grins ruefully and shakes his head at me, but I see he did the same as me and is now wearing his own blazer over his polo shirt.
He throws his arm over my shoulder and guides me out of the room to where everyone is waiting for us in the hallway. He gently squeezes my shoulders and lets his arm drop when we get closer to the group and I realize it's because Gabe was waiting for us so we could walk out together.
We stick close to our brother the entire time until he has to join the other dependents in their section. I felt guilty that Eric slipped off by himself when we got there. As we shared those last moments as a family, I couldn't help that I often found myself looking over to where Eric sat as I thought about what Gabe and I discussed.
Whatever he's thinking, however he's feeling...he does so well at not letting it show.
Gabe's name is called and Eli grips my hand tightly in his at my slight gasp. We unconsciously move forward in our seats, sitting right at the edge. I watch our older brother stand while saying something to Eric with a smile before walking away. Eric's erudite public mask cracks when he tries to smile in response, but it comes out more like a pained grimace.
I follow Gabe's progress as closely as the rest of my family, and we all see when he looks our way before he proceeds to the bowls to make his choice. We see the hesitation in the way he grips the handle of the knife when he raises it to make his cut.
"It's okay, son," I hear my dad murmur softly. Mom sniffles but is nodding her head with a smile. His eyes move over to me and Elijah and I mimic my mom as I nod my head and beam at him, ignoring the cracking in my heart.
When he makes the cut and holds his hand over the bowl for Dauntless we all let out a sigh that's tinged with a myriad of feelings. The cheering starts and I bolt to my feet, Eli right beside me as we shed all the prim and proper Erudite behaviors for just one moment to cheer along with the Dauntless. I can barely see through my tears as I watch Gabe be welcomed by the Dauntless. I laugh and smile when I notice that Nate is the first one to my brother, but he's quickly joined by the other two.
I'm elated for my brother and distraught that he's really gone now. Those warring emotions are wreaking havoc on me, so when my mom opens her arms, I don't hesitate to go into them. I don't care what people in our faction might be saying or thinking. I don't care that I've completely blown my normal code of conduct for when I'm in public.
I just need my mom right now.
She holds me tight and murmurs words of comfort, saying she knows how hard it was to let him go and how proud of me she is. When I feel like I can, I move back to my seat.
That's when I see Eric again and his expression when he looks at our family gathered in joy and commiseration. The depth of feeling he has when he glances over at us when he thinks no one can see him stuns me. The hurt I can see when his eyes turn away and pass over his own parents leaves me breathless with all the pain I know he won't admit to feeling over them.
As I watch him, I push away all the thoughts I entertained earlier about him staying. It doesn't matter that it will definitely hurt when he leaves, what matters is that he goes where he wants to be...where he'll be happy, and that's in Dauntless.
So I do the same thing I did for my brother, I let him go with a smile and an ache in my heart as he lets his blood drop into the burning coals.