Chapter 14: I Get to be a Kid?

Ember POV:

I submitted my last assignment for the night digitally, thankful I was returning to school Monday. I was starting to feel antsy being cooped up since I was used to a lot of movement in my day and I was very ready to return to normal activity. I was still probably not going to be cleared to dance for another week and the season was at an end anyway, which meant I missed Nationals. My team understood I had an "accident" but it still left them short a dancer. Samantha had kept me updated and they placed 5th overall, which was respectable, but not what I would have hoped for.

I pushed my chair out from my desk and stood up, stretching my arms and neck as I did. I sighed and looked around my room, jittery. I still had to have a talk with my parents about the consequences of my little…adventure. My inner monologue convinced me to go to dad's office myself to get it over with about 20 times a day, but it also immediately talked me out of it every time. He had just medically cleared me this afternoon, so I figured the talk was soon.

I paced, picked up my book, put it down, paced, checked my phone, put it down, did light stretching, and eventually I just sighed and stood in the middle of my room.

Ember, you have survived so much worse than whatever they might do. Just GO.

Before I could talk myself out of it again, I started for my door. It was about 8pm on a Friday, so my siblings were out. Now was as good a time as any.

The cool air outside my room rushed around my face as I exited. I made my way to the office door and knocked twice before I could chicken out.

"Come in." Was my father's automatic response. When I entered, I saw Esme sitting on his desk leisurely. I looked between the two, suddenly aware of the fact that I might have just prevented them from enjoying some…alone time. I blushed automatically and began to apologize.

"Oh I didn't realize-I didn't mean um it is not important. Sorry." I turned and my mother laughed.

"Nonsense dear, please come back here. Your father and I were just chatting" Her voice patient and kind as always.

"Are you feeling alright?" My dad asked, concerned as always.

"Yes, I'm fine. I was more hoping that I could talk about um well…" I trailed off, now unsure of my decision to do this.

My father beckoned me to sit in one of the chairs in front of him while my mom hopped off the desk and took the other.

"Please, continue. What's on your mind sweetheart?" Esme spoke gently as I took my seat.

I let out a slow breath and reminded myself that I was not in danger here.

"I just wanted to speak with you about the repercussions of my actions." I started, both of them looking at each other in understanding and what seemed to be hesitation.

"Dad, you have cleared me medically and I am returning to school. I am ready for this conversation. I understand you both might be a little hesitant as any time before this that I have been in trouble was a horrendous experience for me, but I trust you both. I also don't want you to think that I am avoiding this or acting childish." I started and before they could interrupt I continued, "I understand the gravity of what I did. I have thought a lot about it and I understand how it looks. My actions said that I will do what I feel is best, regardless of what you say. That I believe I know better than you, my parents. I want you to know that this is not the case. There may not be a case that is so extreme in the future anyway, but I assure you I will follow what you say in the event of something serious happening. I never meant my running away to be disrespectful or a show of disregard for your place in my life as a parent. I want you to understand that, while my judgment was misguided, I felt you didn't have the full story and were in danger because of me. I couldn't bear the thought of me being the reason any of you were hurt. I want you to just imagine what you might have done in my place. I had just gotten a family." My voice became a bit unsteady as I started to explain my feelings. "Before this I had always been nearly entirely on my own for survival. I had to be an adult for as long as I can remember. I was the sole protector of myself. That all changed so suddenly and I found myself with more than myself to worry about. It is a strange thing for me. I have never felt so protective because I have never had anyone care about me. So I did what I was used to by making the survival decision that would benefit me. I know that sounds strange since I basically invited Adrian to kill me, but that thought was much easier for me to take than the thought of him harming any of you. Once again, I know now I was wrong. I know you could have protected me. I can't…I don't… I have never asked for help. I have always just had to make split second decisions to save myself. It was what I was used to."

My dad looked like he wanted to speak so I said, "I am almost done. I promise."

He nodded for me to continue.

"Regardless of my reasoning, I understand it was wrong. I understand that I behaved in a reckless way and that broke a major rule. I understand that I lied to you, maybe not directly, about where I was going that day. Whether or not I said the words, my intention was to deceive, breaking another rule. I also got myself into a situation in which an elaborate story had to be made up for my injuries, which could have raised questions about this family. Maybe not breaking the exposure rule, but definitely pushing it. I know that nothing I have done was trustworthy and I don't expect you to trust me anymore, but I just want you to know that I am well aware of why you are so disappointed. I am fully prepared to accept any consequences you deem appropriate. I am so incredibly sorry. If I could go back and ask for your help, I would." I finished quietly, looking into the eyes of my father, willing him to see my sincerity.

I felt my hand be taken by a cool one and turned to gaze at my mother who had unshed venom tears.

"So sorry." I repeated, looking at her. She leaned forward and kissed my forehead and rubbed soothing circles on my hand. "I know." She responded.

"Well, Ember, it is clear you have given a lot of thought to this, which I appreciate." Dad started, bringing my eyes back to him. "It is not usual that my children bring up my points before I do." He gave a small smile and then became serious, letting out a sigh. "Ember, I want to start by saying I am honored to have gained your trust. It means a great deal to me and no matter what, I will not break that trust. Regardless of how much trouble you get in, you will not have to worry. Your wellbeing will always come first, I will always forgive you, and I will always love you. Do you understand?"

I nodded, my heart warmed by his statement. I could tell this was a preface by the tone, so I waited for him to continue.

"Good. Now, even though you covered the major points, I'd like to put in my own thoughts. As far as trusting you, we already do trust you. One mistake doesn't erase the image of the responsible young girl I know you are. That being said," He took on a stern look, which caused me to tense. "You are right on the other matters. It was incredibly reckless what you did. You put yourself, willingly, in a position to be harmed. Your scheme obviously took some planning, so tell me, when did you decide to leave?" He asked.

I stared blankly for a moment, completely unused to his harsh tone. He raised an eyebrow and my brain caught up with my mouth. "I - I decided the night you told me he escaped. That was why I was crying that night, because I thought I was going to be saying goodbye forever." I answered truthfully, not daring to lie.

"Days. You had this planned and deceived everyone for days. This was after we had assured you of our ability. We responded to your concerns and were aware of any dangers. We didn't need the entire story to know we could handle what would come. Yet, you still went against us. You claim to trust us and then show the complete opposite. More than that, you behaved recklessly even after thinking the entire plan through. That is what I am most concerned about. You completely understood the danger and still ran to it. It was not just reckless, it was borderline suicidal."

I opened my mouth to speak and was quickly cut off.

"I know you are sorry. In fact, the grasp you have on why we are disappointed speaks volumes to how much you have already learned from this experience. That doesn't change the fact that it was wrong and as your parent, I must correct you. This cannot and will not happen again. You are too important." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair before seeming to think something over.

"Part of the reason I correct my children is so that they really think about their transgression so as not to repeat them in the future. As you have appeared to have thought about it in length already, I feel it would be inappropriate to not be a little lenient- especially since the circumstances are incredibly unique. You used the freedom you had to deceive and run head long into danger, so I am going to take a bit of that freedom. You will be banned from driving for two months. Anywhere you go will have to be cleared by me or Esme and you will be given rides. Do you understand? "

I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest. I had such a sinking feeling in my stomach and my throat felt tight. I was confused as to why because he wasn't even yelling. I never felt like this when I was in trouble with Adrian, just fear. This felt worse, somehow. The disappointment stabbing me, the stern tone was showing me just how sensitive I actually was. I may have stopped crying with Adrian as a survival skill, but now that the floodgates had been opened I was having a hard time not tearing up over a scolding I absolutely deserved.

"Verbal responses, Ember Idalia." He spoke, firm and demanding.

"Y-Yes." I whispered, my voice seeming to fail me.

"Second, you are grounded for one month. Your devices will be turned into this office by 9 each night and can be picked up before school the next morning. This way we can talk about any missed calls you have from the day, which should be zero. You are never to be unreachable. We must know where you are and if you are safe at all times. You will go to school, dance, and come home. You were not reachable and it resulted in you being harmed. You were given the responsibility of transporting yourself to your different activities, which resulted in us being hours behind in saving you as you took advantage of our trust. That will not happen again. Understood?" His voice raised a fraction toward the end.

I didn't respond right away as my throat was too tight to make a sound. I hadn't realized how long it had been since I had taken a breath before mom placed a hand on my shoulder.

She softly spoke, "Breathe, baby."

I tried to do as she said but the breath wouldn't come. Instead, I squeaked out a "yes" in response to my dad. I clenched and unclenched my fists, trying to control the overwhelming urge to cry as I was so unused to it. I absolutely deserved this, so it didn't make sense to me that I wanted to cry when I had faced much more unfair circumstances without so much as a tear.

His stern expression softened into concern once again. He made his way around his desk and lowered himself in front of me so he was eye level, taking my hands in his.

"Honey, I need you to breathe. I understand you are unused to me being harsh with you, Ember, but I promise I mean you no harm." His voice returning to its soft concerned tone is what allowed my throat to open enough to draw a shaky breath.

"I am sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me. I am normally better about keeping my emotions in." I get out with much difficulty.

"I don't want you to hold in your emotions, sweetheart. I just want you to not suffocate. You are unused to feeling real guilt that is associated with punishment. All of my children have cried and I have never required them to hold this back. Do not feel like you have to hold back."

I nodded as awareness came to me. Guilt. That is what this heavy feeling was. I disappointed the only people who have ever unconditionally cared for me. Of course I was feeling guilty. All of the other times I had been in trouble I had not felt guilt due to the fact that it was never warranted. I had to endure, but I didn't have to feel regret, shame, or guilt. This was almost opposite. I felt my parents were entirely justified as I had disappointed them and broke several rules but I knew I would not be brutally punished. I was safe and I was guilty. Fear is an all encompassing emotion, with it not present I could focus on what landed me here.

Since my breathing went back to normal, dad continued. He touched on how they all felt knowing what was about to happen, the fear they experienced, and the sorrow they felt over the harm that had been done to me. By the end of the scolding, I had misty eyes. I bit into my thumb to stop myself from making noise, letting tears fall, and interrupting him, but quickly felt my hand pulled away.

"Do. Not. You are allowed to make noise and cry. Stop hurting yourself." My Dad's voice sounded exasperated.

That was it. I let the first tears fall at that point. I tried to bury my face in my hands, but I found myself pulled into cool, comforting arms. My face immediately burrowed into my dads shoulder as I struggled to compose myself.

"I….I'm s-sorry." I stuttered out, trying to reign myself in again anyway. "I - I" Breathing was so difficult.

"Shhhh. I know. We forgive you, sweetheart." My dad assured me as my mom rubbed my back. They both soothed me until I had calmed down.

I pulled away once I had collected myself enough and my mom wiped the remains of my tears away with tenderness. I looked down at my hands, thinking.

"I don't understand. I know I am allowed to cry but I don't understand why I am. I didn't think guilt would feel so….so heavy" I quietly spoke, bothered by my sudden inability to control my emotions, even though I knew they were allowed to be expressed.

"Ember, you had to hold it back before. You know, at least subconsciously, that crying does not mean danger here with us. You also must learn to understand that you do not have to be the adult anymore. All the weight that was once on you is not for you to carry anymore. You are our child, and you can act as such." My mom spoke in a gentle tone, confirming my previous thoughts.

I gazed at her unsure but eventually nodded. It was a weird experience to think about having, being a kid.

She gave me a loving look and then my dad spoke, "And as our child who is now grounded, please go collect your devices and bring them here, its after 9." He said in a somewhat light tone, which caused me to scoff quietly, slightly amused.

"Yes, dad." I responded

I returned to my room, gathered my electronics, and made my way back. When I returned, only my dad was in his office, most likely waiting to collect my things before joining mom wherever she was. He stored them and then gestured for me to lead the way out of the office. I paused for a moment, causing him to raise an eyebrow.

"I just wanted to…well to thank you. I realize thanks are not needed for being a decent person, but I have never been in trouble before and left unscathed."

In response, my dad frowned. He looked like he wanted to utter threats of violence toward my father, but held it in. Instead, he sighed and pulled me into a close, tight embrace. He held me protectively and seemed to be partly comforting himself with the hug. When he let go, he held me at arms length.

"I will never let anyone harm you ever again. No one touches my children." He spoke soft but fierce. The threatening undertone, clearly not aimed at me, almost made me scared for whoever might try to test him. I was briefly reminded of a lion protecting cubs.

I simply nodded in acknowledgment. He then led me out of the office and to my room where he kissed the top of my head and wished me goodnight.

AN: Here's the next chapter. Please review 3