"Looks like the experiment is a failure," Howard said. "We'll never get Sheldon the perfect girlfriend."
"Hey, there is still time," Raj argued.
"Oh come on," Howard said. "We need to face the facts. The puzzles were too hard."
"There is still plenty of time for the perfect woman to knock on that door," Sheldon insisted.
"Is there?" Howard asked.
"Seven seconds," Raj said, checking his watch.
"That's plenty of time."
"Five," Raj counted down. "Four, three, two-"
A knock on the door stopped him.
"No way," Howard whispered.
He went to look through the peephole.
"It's a girl," he said. "And she's… wow."
"Well go and answer it," Raj urged Sheldon.
"All right."
Sheldon rose from the chair and walked to the door.
It was indeed a female. She had short blonde hair with hints of black inside of it. It was put up in a wavy style. The girl was roughly his height and was wearing a blouse with a flower pattern, black pants and a black jacket.
"Can I help you?" Sheldon asked.
"Uh… A-Are you the physicist that placed the ad on Craigslist?"
"Yes," Sheldon confirmed.
"Oh great," she said. "I was afraid I was too late."
"You are right on time. But you weren't waiting for dramatic effect, were you?" he asked.
"Oh no. Who do you think I am, Jennifer Lawrence?" She chuckled.
Sheldon couldn't help but smile as well. "For a moment, I feared so."
"No, no, I would have been here earlier, but I was stuck in this boring symposium on atomic spectroscopy. And then-"
"Boring?" Sheldon's eyes narrowed.
"Well it was given by this woman, Dr. Leslie Winkle."
"Ugh," Sheldon said. "Did you know she prefers loop quantum gravity over string theory?"
"I know. That's why I had to get out of there. And that's when I saw your ad and it saved my night. I knew I had to meet the man responsible."
"Well, here I am," Sheldon said.
"Yes you are," she smiled again. "The puzzles were really interesting. I've never had to translate Klingon into ancient Sanskrit before."
"Careful," Sheldon said. "It's addictive."
"Chija''e'vlKub je."
They both chuckled.
"Or, as they say in Sanskrit," the girl continued. "Ahm asman matey-bee ta-teyva."
"And just like that, you're a junkie." For some reason, his eyes wouldn't leave hers.
"Anyway," she said. "My name is Vanessa Bennett."
"Dr. Sheldon Cooper."
"I know. I'm a big fan of your work, Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper."
"May I offer you a beverage?" Sheldon asked.
"Certainly."
He moved aside so she could enter the apartment.
She stopped when she saw Raj and Howard.
"These are my friends," Sheldon explained. "Dr Rajesh Koothrapolli and Howard Wolowitz."
"He's not a doctor?" she asked.
"He's an engineer."
"Hm."
"Who went to space," Howard quickly added.
"Right. Of course. Howard 'Froot Loops' Wolowitz."
"Okay, we're leaving," Howard said.
"Hey, I want to see this," Raj complained.
"Come on," Howard said. "Let's give them some privacy to do… whatever Sheldon does with girls."
The two of them left the apartment, leaving Sheldon alone with the girl.
"So what would you like?" Sheldon asked.
"Sparkling water."
"Ah. A special occasion."
"Indeed. It's not every day I get to meet someone like you."
"True."
He handed her a glass of sparkling water.
"So," Sheldon said. "What do you do?"
"I'm a model."
"Oh."
"I know," she said. "It's silly. But…"
"Yes?" he urged her.
"Well it's a job that allows my mind to do other things while I'm working. And it pays very well."
"Huh. I never considered that," Sheldon said. "I suppose it would be great to get paid more and still think about physics all day."
"And it doesn't have to be physics. You're not bound by any university rules or stupid collegues. You can just do whatever you like every day."
"That sounds amazing. But what if you want to publish?"
"Oh I publish everything under a fake name. Dr. Ramona Zolynsky from Russia. No one ever bothers to check the authors. Did you know there was one guy who put his cat as a co-author on a physics paper?"
"F. D. C. Willard, 1975."
"Of course you knew," she smiled.
"I had a couple cats once. Long story, we don't need to get into it right now."
"If you say so."
"So," Sheldon said. "Before we take this any further, I should probably warn you."
"Oh?"
"I am very strict. I like rules and structure. If you can't handle that, it's best you leave right now."
"I like rules," she said.
"Are you sure? Because my last girlfriend couldn't handle it."
"I can handle it," she assured him. "But can you handle me as well?"
"What do you mean?" he asked, a little apprehensive.
"There is something you should know about me as well," Vanessa said. "I am a very… physical girl."
"You mean you like physics?" Sheldon asked.
"I'm talking about coitus. And coitus related… activities."
"Oh. Well that won't do. I don't do coitus or those… activities."
"Hm. Would you be open to trying some of them?"
"No."
"Interesting," she said. "You're not the least bit curious? You are a scientist, aren't you?"
"I have no desire to experiment with yucky fluids," Sheldon insisted.
"Look, Dr. Cooper," she said. "I'm willing to do anything you want me to. I'll follow all of your rules, even if I think they are crazy. But I do want something in return. If you don't compromise a little bit, I'm afraid I will have to leave. Just like your last girlfriend."
He sighed. "I suppose that's fair. How often would you like to engage in these… intimate activities?"
"At least once a day."
"Every day? Are you out of your mind? How about once a year?"
"Three times a week," she countered. "And I will shower before we start."
"Two times a week," Sheldon offered. "With the showering. Obviously."
"Two times, plus one extra on every holiday."
"Does that include Star Wars day?"
"Obviously."
"Okay then," he agreed. "But I get to decide what kind of activities we do."
"I agree on two conditions."
"Which are?" he asked.
"At least one of us must orgasm during the activity."
"Seems fair."
"And you promise to keep an open mind," she added.
"You've got yourself a deal."
"Shall we get started right away? That way, we'll be able to address any issues early on."
"All right." Sheldon got up. "Please get up and remove your clothing. I want to take a look at your body."
"Yes, Sir."
With a smile, she rose from the couch. Sheldon watched as she took off her clothes. She neatly folded each item before placing it on the couch. Eventually, she was fully nude.
Vanessa walked to him and stopped right in front of him. Then, she spread her legs and laced her arms behind her head so he could take a good look at her.
"What do you think?" she asked.
"Hm," Sheldon said. "I have to admit, I can see why man would be attracted to your body. Your… biology is very interesting."
"Thank you. Would you like to touch me, Sir?"
"No."
"No? Oh, right. I'm sorry. Shall I take a shower first?"
"Yes. The bathroom is the door on the left. There is a pack of spare toothbrushes on the second shelf on the right. Please come back here when you are squeaky clean."
"Yes, Sir."
She hurried off to the bathroom.
Sheldon was sitting on his spot on the couch, wearing a bathrobe. He could not believe he was about to do this.
His heartbeat was elevated and his palms were getting sweaty. The usual signs of nerves.
Or maybe it was excitement?
Vanessa had piqued his curiosity. While he knew all of the theory around coitus, he had never actually engaged in any of it. Would it be different from-
The door opened. The front door.
"Hey, Sheldon do you-" Leonard froze. "What are you doing?"
"This is not a good time, Leonard. I'm about to engage in coitus."
"You what?"
"Well, a coitus related activity."
"With yourself?" Leonard asked.
"No with-"
"Dr Cooper? I am ready."
"One moment," Sheldon called back.
"You really like to keep me waiting, don't you?" she said.
Leonard was standing there, frozen.
"If you would please leave the premises," Sheldon said.
"Uh, right. Sorry."
Sheldon walked him outside. Then, he locked the door with the chain.
Alright.
He returned to his spot.
"I'm ready."
Vanessa walked into the living room. She was completely naked.
"I love your Dark Vader shampoo," she said.
"You used my shampoo?"
"Well I wasn't going to use that dandruff shampoo."
"Oh, yeah that belongs to Amy. I still have to throw it out."
"Don't worry," Vanessa said. "I'll make you forget about her."
"I doubt it, I have a photographic memory."
"No, I mean I can let your beautiful mind stop thinking about her."
"Then why didn't you say that?"
"Shall we get started?" Vanessa asked. "What kind of activity would you like to engage in?"
"Well I've been thinking," Sheldon said. "Once every week, I engage in… semen removal."
"Removal?"
"If a man does not ejaculate for a period of time, he begins to get nocturnal emissions. Which disgusts me."
"Understandable," she said.
"It would ruin my laundry schedule. So to prevent this, once every week, I manually remove the buildup semen."
"I see. And how exactly do you do this?" she asked.
"I sit in the bathtub, put on a physics lecture to drown out any noise my body might make and then I use my hand to expel the semen from my body. Then I obviously start cleaning up and I take a shower."
"And your roommate has no idea?"
"Oh no. No, he thinks I take a relaxing bath. As if I would ever take a bath. Soaking in my own filth." A shiver went through his body.
"I see."
"Anyway," he said. "I would like to start off slowly. So I suggest that we do my weekly release right now. With your hand instead of mine."
"You want me to jerk you off?"
"I suppose you could put it like that. Is that acceptable to you?"
"You're in charge," she reminded him.
"But do you think my mind is open enough?"
"Well I guess I expected we'd start out slowly. This is acceptable."
"Very well. Then let us relocate to the bathroom and you can proceed to… jerk me off."
"Perfect." She smiled broadly.
They went to the bathroom. She noticed he had adhesive duck stickers on the floor of the tub. Probably to prevent him from falling down.
Sheldon removed his robes and sat down on his usual spot in the tub.
"You do it like that?" she asked.
"I'd like to reduce fall risk."
"Of course. By the way, your genitals are aesthetically pleasing."
"Thank you. Please come in with me."
"Uh."
Vanessa got into the tub. She knelt down in front of him.
"Like this?"
"Perfect. Now, do you have any experience with… hand intercourse?"
"Not really. Guys usually prefer my mouth or my pussy. Or my ass." She winked.
"You engage in sodomy?"
"Oh don't worry. I do not expect you to do that with me."
"Okay. Well, let us begin. One moment."
He closed his eyes.
"What are you doing?"
"I need an erection to get started," he explained. "Don't worry, I have a specific visual for this."
"May I ask what it is?"
"You may not."
"Dr Cooper. If I may. Why don't you take a look at me instead?"
"Very well."
"Do you think I'm hot?" she asked.
"I can't deny that your body is aesthetically pleasing."
Vanessa put one hand on her pussy. "You're getting me wet."
"I need that hand," he told her. "Please don't get it dirty with your juices."
"Don't worry. I'm ambidextrous."
"Very well then."
"Does this get you excited?" she asked.
"It does," he admitted.
"Good." She put two fingers into her pussy. "My pussy can't wait to feel your cock."
"It will wait as long as I say."
"Yes, Sir." She bit her lip.
"Hm. It's odd. I never thought I would like 'Sir' above 'Dr Cooper'. Very strange."
"Your cock likes it too."
"Ah yes. It is starting to get erect."
"Perfect."
"Let us begin then," Sheldon said. "Please wrap your hand around my penis."
The slender fingers of her left hand wrapped around his cock.
"Gently squeeze and pull upwards," he directed her. "Feel the rim of my glans. Use your index finger and your thumb."
"Like this?" she asked.
"A little more. Yes, that's good. When you're at the top, release the pressure and move back down. Be careful when you go back down. The foreskin tends to stick slightly to the glans. Pulling it down too roughly can cause pain or injury."
"Fascinating. Most of the guys I've been with were circumcised, so I never really knew."
"Well my genitals weren't mutilated. My mother may be crazy, but she's not that crazy."
"Let's not talk about your mother right now."
Vanessa continued to jerk him off. Her other hand was still playing with her own pussy.
"You are doing very well," Sheldon said. "This sensation is quite pleasant."
"Thank you." She pushed two fingers inside. Fuck, she couldn't wait to get this beautiful cock inside of her.
For a moment, it was silent. Then, all of a sudden.
"Vanessa?"
"Call me Ness," she insisted.
"But your name is Vanessa? Why would I call you Ness?"
"I don't like Vanessa."
"I prefer Vanessa. It refers to Venus, the goddess of love. And Phanessa, Pandora's daughter. Ness just refers to the Loch Ness monster."
"I suppose goddess of love is quite appropriate," Vanessa admitted.
"Well then," Sheldon said. "Goddess. I must admit that I am rather curious."
"About what?"
"The movements of your hand on your vulva. It looks fascinating. Of course I know all the theory, but to see it in practise."
"Do you want to try?" she asked.
"Oh I don't know."
"It would be fair to return the favor," she pointed out.
"But yours is so yucky," Sheldon said. "There are all these fluids."
"Which provides lubrication," she said. "Besides, you're going to shoot out liquid as well when I'm done."
"I suppose so. Very well then."
"Don't be shy. Here."
She took his hand and placed it on her vulva. He was reluctant at first, but slowly, he got into it. His fingers entered her-
"Oh my," Vanessa gasped.
"Fascinating," Sheldon said. "I can actually feel your pelvic muscles contract."
"They are desperate for your cock."
"I'm afraid they will not be receiving my penis tonight."
"Why not?"
"Because I am about ten seconds removed from orgasm."
"Already?"
"Surprisingly, yes. Please speed up your movements."
She did as he asked.
"Oh yes," he said. "Vanessa, you are a vixen."
"Are you ready to cum for me?" she asked.
"It's coming. Oh my."
His cum spurted out of his cock. That was not an expression, it was actually spurting out. The first shot went all the way up to her tits. The second one hit her belly. Smaller droplets rained down on the floor of the bath.
Then, finally, it subsided. One more drop dribbled down over her hand and then it was over.
"My apologies," Sheldon said.
"No need."
With a smile, Vanessa scooped up his cum with her finger. Then, she licked it off.
"You taste nice."
Sheldon looked at his own hand. It was soaked with her juices. Very slowly, he brought it to his face.
It had a weird smell he couldn't quite place.
His scientific curiosity got the best of him. His tongue flicked out for a brief second.
"Hm," he said. "You taste nice too. Salty and sweet. A hint of metal."
"Thank you," she said.
"Well I suppose we should clean up. Would you like to go first?"
"We can shower together," Vanessa said.
"That sounds like a safety hazard."
"I'll be careful," she promised.
"Very well then. Let us bathe together."
The next morning, Sheldon was watching Doctor Who when suddenly, someone stormed into the apartment.
"What the hell, Sheldon?" Amy yelled. "I waited four years and you had sex with that skank on day one?"
"Can this wait? I'm watching Doctor Who."
"No, it can't wait."
Amy grabbed the remote and turned off the tv.
"Hey," Sheldon complained. "You're being unreasonable here."
"I am being unreasonable?"
"Yes, you are," he said. "You ended your relationship with me, so you have no right to storm in here demanding explanations. Let alone turn off Doctor Who."
Amy took a deep breath. "Why did you have sex with her?"
"We did not have sex. She jerked off my penis."
"And you just let her?"
"Well," Sheldon said. "She negotiated it as part of the relationship agreement. It's not my fault you didn't think of that."
"What?"
"Well if you had negotiated that as a part of date night, I suppose I would have considered it. But you didn't."
Amy was completely stunned.
"Also," Sheldon said. "Vanessa is considerably more attractive than you."
"Excuse me?"
"Well I'm still a man. I respond to attractive women. Just like you responded to Zack that one time."
"I can be attractive too," Amy argued.
"Really? I've never seen you with a neckline, or makeup or a short skirt, or with your hair put up, or-"
"Oh screw you. I don't need to be sexy."
"Well if you want coitus, it can be very helpful to make an effort. If you want, I can ask Vanessa to give you some tips."
"Go to hell."
Amy stormed out.
Huh. Had he done something wrong?
Oh who cares?
He put Doctor Who back on.
Meanwhile, Amy was going to Penny's apartment. Bernadette was there as well (they had sent Leonard to the comic book store).
"How did it go?" Penny asked.
"I'm going to need wine," Amy said.
"That bad huh?"
"You'll never believe this."
Amy repeated what he just told her word for word. It took her two glasses of wine. When she was done, she held out her glass again.
"More wine please."
"I think you've had enough," Bernadette said.
"I'm having a crisis here," Amy argued. "Sheldon has gone crazy. His mom was right, she should have followed up with that expert in Houston."
"Look, Amy," Penny said. "I hate to take Sheldon's side, but you have to admit you didn't really make much of an effort."
"What? I waited four years for-"
"Exactly," Penny said. "Why did you wait for him to make the move? Put your foot down. Demand that he put some stuff in his stupid contract. You can't let Sheldon walk all over you."
"And put on something sexy," Bernadette added. "You're not gonna seduce anyone wearing that curtain. Let alone Sheldon."
"Sheldon doesn't care about sexy clothes," Amy argued.
"Oh please," Penny said. "Of course he does. He's just better at pretending he doesn't."
"Like how he pretends he doesn't have emotions so he can be a jerk," Bernadette added.
"Well now it's too late," Amy said.
"Too late?" Penny said. "What are you talking about? This is perfect. Vanessa will get him more comfortable with intimacy, and then you swoop in and steal him back."
"I don't know."
"It's perfect. You won't have to do any of the work. Do you know how long I had to train Leonard before he was even remotely good in bed?"
"Really?"
"Yes. But now all the hard work is done and I get to enjoy his glorious tongue on my-" she turned red. "Uhum, anyway, that's not important. The point is, Vanessa can teach him some basics and then you can take him back."
"But don't wait too long," Bernadette added. "Or he might get attached."
"But in the meantime, we better get started. Amy, it's time for some slut training."
"Ugh."
"Getting comfortable with dirty talk is lesson 1," Penny said. "Now tell me you're a slut."
"I'm not a slut."
"So you don't want Sheldon back?"
Amy bit her lip. "Imaslut," she mumbled.
"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that."
"I'm a slut!"
"Really? You? You're still a virgin."
"You're just humiliating me," Amy said. She grabbed her coat.
"Amy, wait."
"Go to hell."
She slammed the door behind her.
A few weeks later, Penny's doorbell rang. When she opened it, she found Amy standing there.
"Hey," Amy spoke softly.
"Hey," Penny replied. They hadn't spoken in weeks.
"I uh… I've been thinking. And I guess… Well, there is no other way. I… I need to seduce Sheldon."
"Hm."
"So will you… give me some… slut training?"
"Of course," Penny said. "But you don't have to call it that."
"No, I should be comfortable using those words. How else will I get confident enough to seduce Sheldon?"
"I guess so."
"So where should we start?" Amy asked.
"Well let's start with a makeover. It will be much easier to act the part if you look the part."
"Well you're the actress," Amy said, smiling.
"One second." Penny took out her phone.
"What are you doing?"
"Calling in the heavy guns," she said. "Hey, Raj? I need some help. Oh and bring Bernadette too."
Amy looked at herself in the mirror. She had to admit, she did look good. Her hair was brushed into lazy curls. Her glasses were now a stylish black. And she wore a blue dress with a modestly deep V-cut and a black belt. On Raj's suggestion, she had put on bright red lipstick, but no other makeup.
It was a nice mix of professional and sexy. Just wearing it made her feel more confident.
"Alright," Penny said. "Now all you have to do is go seduce Sheldon."
"I don't know," Amy said.
"You need to hurry, before he gets used to Vanessa. It's been weeks and the two of them are getting pretty intimate."
"Yesterday I saw them holding hands," Raj said. "You need to move, now."
"I guess you're right. But I don't even know where he is."
"Yes you do," Raj said. "It's Saturday night."
"Laundry night," she realised.
"Go get him," Bernadette urged her.
"Okay."
Amy went to the laundry room. Sheldon was there, along with Vanessa. She was sitting on one of the washing machines.
"Dr Cooper," she purred. "I think my clothes need to be washed. They are so dirty."
"They seem fine to me," Sheldon said.
"No, they are dirty," she insisted. "I better take them off."
Vanessa removed her jacket.
"Surely you aren't suggesting intimacy right here?" Sheldon said.
"Two times a week, Dr Cooper," she reminded him. "And I showered an hour ago."
"But I'm doing laundry right now," Sheldon argued.
"Sheldon, don't you think it's time to move on to real coitus? You're getting more and more comfortable. I think you're ready."
"I know," Sheldon said. "Intimacy has been getting easier. But…"
"But what?"
"Well…"
Amy entered the laundry room.
He spun around.
"Amy?"
"Huh?" Amy said. "Oh, don't mind me. I'm just doing laundry."
"R-Right."
"Am I interrupting something?" Amy asked.
"No, no. Not at all."
He turned back to his laundry.
"Come on, Sheldon," Vanessa said. "Let's take this to the bedroom. Don't mind that boring girl over there."
"Wait," Sheldon said. "Vanessa, I- I can't do this."
"Why not?"
"Because… Because I can't imagine my first time being with anyone but Amy."
Amy gasped.
Vanessa looked stunned.
"It's been happening for a while now," Sheldon said. "My mind keeps wandering off to Amy. I can't deny myself anymore. I want her. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Vanessa said.
"I think we should terminate our relationship. I wish you the best of luck."
"You too, Dr Cooper."
Vanessa placed a chaste kiss on his forehead left the room.
"Sheldon," Amy said. "Did you mean that?"
"Yes. I want you, Amy."
"O-Okay. Okay, hold on," Amy said. "Why don't you finish your laundry and then meet me at my apartment tonight?"
"Okay."
She gave him a gentle kiss.
"I missed you," she admitted.
"I missed you too."
Amy left the room. Outside the building, someone was waiting for her.
"Well that went better than expected," Vanessa said.
"It did," Amy said. "You're a great actress."
"No problem," Vanessa said. "You're pretty good at acting yourself. Did no one realise?"
"Nope, no one."
"Unbelievable," Vanessa said. "As if anyone but you could solve those puzzles."
"Oh well." Amy smiled.
"Well if you need any other jobs, you have my number."
"Actually," Amy said. "Could you go on a date with Raj? I owe him one."
"Sure. No problem. I think I'll go as a redhead this time. How do you like Isabella Ramona for a name?"
"Sounds great," Amy said. "I have to go. My boyfriend is coming over."
"Good luck," Vanessa said.
"I don't need luck," Amy replied. "I make my own luck."