The safe house, the actual safe house, is a penthouse on the last floor of a tall building on the waterfront ; exactly the kind of place Lena would have chosen for herself before meeting Kara. It's spacious in an almost ridiculous way, the living area running from one side to the other and ending in tall windows that go from floor to ceiling. This space only would be enough to fit their entire old apartment, but with it comes a master bedroom twice as big as theirs, two guest-rooms with an extra bathroom, two private offices, and a secured staircase leading directly to the roof and a helipad. It's huge, impersonal, and Lena regrets having to say she felt safer in Lex's shabby kidnapping house. Here, she feels too exposed. There aren't enough nooks and crannies, not enough shadows to hide in. She knows she's safe here, or supposes she is, Alex wouldn't have chosen this place otherwise ; but for everything she said to Kara about homes, this doesn't feel like one.
Kara is in the kitchen talking with her sister, an oxygen canister abandoned at her feet along with Alex's emergency medical bag. Alex announced she was leaving at least an hour ago but hasn't moved a muscle since, rooted to her designer tool, eyes never leaving Kara unless it's to nervously glance around the room, looking for threats. It's quite possible she won't leave at all, at least not until morning, and Lena can't really hold it against her. For an entire week, Alex thought her sister was gone, possibly dead ; it's not something one just shrugs off. She's holding a colourless mug in her hands, its content long cold, and a can of that awful herbal instant tea sits halfway between her and Kara. Kara's own mug is her usual one, chipped and royal blue, and it's long been emptied of its hot chocolate. Somehow, it's been salvaged from the wreckage, along with an impressive number of the things that filled their home ; like the giant Midvale fair bunny Lena is now holding on her lap, clutching onto it a bit too tightly. It smells like smoke and is covered in dog hair, Krypto having adopted it in the week that they were gone.
"Are you...?" Sam starts asking before letting her question trail off unfinished.
"What ?" Lena asks, absentmindedly playing with one of her plushy's ears. Krypto, who's resting at her feet, raises his head at the sound of her voice.
"Never mind. I was going to ask if you were alright," Sam says, "but it's a bit of a stupid question." She's holding her own mug in her hands, off-white like Alex's, long emptied like Kara's.
"Yeah. It is." Lena doesn't really want to talk. She wants to scream, or go to bed, or both. But she's afraid that if she closes her eyes, she'll open them again in Lex's house, at ease in an unsafe place. "Thank you for getting our stuff," she says instead, motioning vaguely to the piles of cardboard boxes that clutter the wide space.
"I couldn't get everything," Sam replies, looking down at her lap.
"You did everything you could, and given the circumstances, that's more than I have the right to ask of you."
Sam sighs. "I still wish I'd done more." She stops for a second, her eyes briefly glancing at Alex. "I did what I could there and then Alex sent me to check on you and you-" her voice cracks. Lena lets go of her bunny to reach out for her hand. "-you weren't there. And I, I couldn't find you." She looks at Alex again, this time lingering longer when their gazes catch each other across the room. "She didn't sleep for three days. Kelly and I had to practically force her into bed. And I'm positive she only stayed there because I'm heavier than her and, um, refused to move until she'd gotten some sleep."
Lena takes note of the hesitation, files it away for later. Now is not the time to investigate this weird little threesome. "You did good," she says.
"I kept listening for you," Sam continues. "And listening, and listening, but you were nowhere and Alex was losing her shit. There was no trace of you, it's like you'd vanished from Earth. When I finally heard you... If we'd gotten here any faster, it still wouldn't have been fast enough for her."
Lena glances at Alex, at her sister. She's gotten up now, and is hugging Kara, tucked safely in her arms, face hidden against her shoulder. She thinks about what she would do, if Alex went missing, if Lex had her. The answer is very clear ; she would kill him.
"I think we're going to go now," Sam says, motioning to Alex then to the door.
"You're still sleeping at their place ?" Lena asks in what she hopes is a casual manner.
"Um. Yeah. It's easier for everyone." Sam blushes violently and for a moment, Lena allows her tomato red cheeks to distract her from everything else. "Right ?"
"I'm sure it is."
Alex makes her way to them and before Lena can really process it, she's wrapped in a bone crushing hug. "I'm not going to forbid you from going on with your life," she says, taking a step back and holding her firmly by the shoulders, "but if you could not go to work tomorrow, or well, today, just so I have more time to check that everything is right..."
"Of course," Lena whispers. "Of course. I'll work from home today."
She refuses to let Lex win, but to protect her family, she might have to bend a little. She glances around, at Sam, tall and awkward and fierce, at Alex, strong and scared and relentless, and at Kara, hovering nearby sheepishly, seemingly too big for the space she occupies and that she loves so so much ; for them, she'll do anything.
The bedroom smells weird. Not in a "Lex has been there" kind of way, but in the sense that it smells too clean, not at all like what their old bedroom smelled like ; sleep, lavender, and sometimes donuts from the vendor down the street when Kara would forget to close the window. This room, this entire apartment, smells like bleach and sea salt. She'll get used to it, eventually, and she also knows her own scent is going to rub off on everything until one day, she'll come in from work and it will be like this place as always been hers ; but now, as she arranges her things on the fancy dresser, trying not to cut her fingers on the ruined snowball and desperately trying to ignore the fact that the only picture she has of her birth mother is charred on three of its corners, the apartment is the furthest thing away from a home.
"Would you...?" Kara pokes her head through the ajar door. "Would you like to eat something ?"
She's changed after their long joined shower, slipping on basketball shorts and an old soft henley shirt, Lena's favourite, the one with a hole in the collar and paint stains on the sleeves. She looks tired, deep shadows digging under her eyes and rendering her face ghastly and somewhat hollow in a way that reminds Lena of the battle she waged the previous year, of the hours she fought through and never truly managed to explain to anyone.
"The kitchen's fully stocked, I could make you some porridge. If you'd like."
Lena is the farthest thing from hungry. She can barely stomach the idea of food, but Kara is standing there, so tired and hopeful, the longer strands of her hair hanging pitifully in front of her eyes, Krypto's snoot poking from behind her and Lena, Lena is fucking exhausted.
"Porridge sounds," she starts, swallowing a lump in her throat. "It sounds nice."
Kara nods. "Okay," she says, low enough that it might just be for herself. "Cinnamon ? Or ginger ?" A beat passes. "Honey," Kara then decides.
"Honey's good," Lena agrees. She's still not hungry, at all, but there's something about the normalcy of Kara making food for her that makes her think she might be able to eat something, to do her part to make life as regular as can be.
Kara goes to walk away, and Lena all but leaps after her, causing them both to stumble over the threshold and into the hallway. Kara catches her quickly, reflexes sharp despite her exhaustion and recent poisonous encounter and she wraps her arms tightly against her middle, showing no restrain in the embrace. Lena buries against her shoulder, breathing in the clean slightly spicy scent of her usual soap. She presses a kiss at the juncture of her neck, biting back a sob of relief at the thought that she still has this, Kara, the easy comfort and love that she brings.
They remain like that, clutching onto each other with a mounting sense of desperation until Kara draws back suddenly, a hint of fear in her eyes.
"Did you hear something ?" Lena asks.
This however, does not seem to be the source of Kara's sudden worry, and after a moment of hesitation she asks, softly, "are we going to be okay ?"
"I," Lena sighs. "I don't know." Kara's question seems to run far deeper than a simple concern about their safety, and it worms into Lena, curling around her heart unpleasantly. "I'll do everything to make sure that we are."
Anguish churns sourly in her stomach and suddenly, she's hit with the desire to retreat on herself, to get away, to run far to someplace she'll be able to breathe, free of fear and constraints. Instead, she launches herself at Kara, catching her lips in an open mouth kiss and slipping her tongue inside when she reacts without missing a beat. She finds herself pressed against the wall in the blink of an eye and takes the opportunity of the added leverage to wrap her legs against Kara's waist, eager to evade panic before it can truly take a hold of her. Kara's hands are hot and firm on her skin, and though their embrace is not devoid of tenderness, a hint of force shines through its desperation. With three fingers deep inside and Kara panting in between her breasts, Lena gets the distinct feeling that they are running out of time.
Later, when the sun is beginning to rise over the horizon and a bowl of thick porridge sits heavily in Lena's stomach, they find themselves on the roof, sitting side by side on an uncomfortable bench Kara dragged closer to the edge. The overall atmosphere is far from their well loved hideout ; no worn out bricks, no bright green moss growing in shadowy corners, no abandoned beer bottle that Kara swore she would throw out eventually. Lena wonders where this bottle is now. If it crashed down in the street below or simply tipped to its side and gently rolled over to another corner where it will lay until the building is inevitably brought down to make space for something bigger, higher, a tower or another, ecological and responsible, and completely impersonal. The only trace of life on this roof is a plant that has been left in a corner, looking sorry for itself, with leaves burnt by the sun and sea air.
Kara holds her hand lightly, her grasp achingly tender, and they gaze upon the sea in silence, each caught in a peculiar state of loneliness that rarely strikes when they're together. Lena has so many things to say but they all boil down to one frightening thing. I love you. No matter what happens I love you. And, please don't think less of me. Because for all her talks and promises, Lena knows the only way this will end, the only way they'll be free, is if she seeks out Lex and takes him down herself ; and there's no scenario in which this doesn't turn out extremely ugly.
Kara nudges her with her shoulder, leaning on her briefly and softly to get her intention. When Lena turns to look at her, she squeezes her hand, then lifts it to her lips to lay a soft kiss on her knuckles. "What's going on up there ?" she asks cluelessly, kissing her again, this time on the temple. "You're awfully quiet."
This is an open door, a hand reaching out with the opportunity to be honest, to ask for help ; Lena pushes it away, and locks herself up. "Nothing," she whispers, turning back to look over the edge. "Just, everything's going to be different now."
Kara clenches her jaw, forces herself to relax immediately. "I know," she says. "I know."
Her simple words float around them for a minute and Lena dares to hope that will be all, that she won't have to face anything else, be it naive hope, or a well deserved breakdown. Her wish isn't granted.
"But we're together, and we're unbreakable, and I like to think that it's enough to win."
Faced with this sudden burst of optimism, Lena says nothing more. She doesn't have the guts to lie.
The rest of the day is horrendous. When the sun is fully up, they retire down for a nap, their new bedroom completely dark thanks to brand new black out curtains. Kara is out like a light, though Lena suspects it's entirely due to the pills Alex gave her before she left, and she herself tosses and turns relentlessly, both too hot and too cold, suffocated by Kara's embrace yet never close enough.
She ends up getting up a little before noon, fixing herself a light snack before she sets to unpacking the rest of their salvaged belongings. Getting the boxes from one side of the apartment to the other is a bit of a hassle and she ends up dragging them one after the others down the long corridor leading to both their offices, ripping them open to determine where exactly they're supposed to go. Her boxes are heavier than Kara's, courtesy of all the books she's been hauling around for years. These, for the major part, stay in the living room, where they will go fill the empty bookshelves along with dented knick knacks, cracked Kryptonian memorabilia and broken picture frames.
Sam did a good job with packing, and if not for the persistent absence of Lena's abdominal muscles, putting everything away would be a quick job. She works with a manic efficiency, storing things with neat precision and she doesn't stop working until Kara emerges from her nap, hair tousled on one side, eyes bleary from too little sleep. This however isn't the reason why she stops, but because of what she finds in a box annoyingly abandoned on the kitchen counter when Sam and Alex left. It's not one of theirs. It hasn't been packed by Sam, isn't even a gift from Alex, though the note stuck on top of it is from her, or Kelly or anyone else that might be poorly trying to hide their pity ; it's from Lillian.
The box has been wrapped in kraft paper, a little crookedly which brings Lena to think her mother might even have done it herself and a card in a thick beige envelope has been left with it.
Lena,
I heard about what happened - Lena scoffs at that, who hasn't ? - I know this isn't much, that I can't begin to understand what happened to you nor can I fix it with a snap of my fingers, but if there is anything, anything at all that I can do, please, reach out.
With love,
Your mo
Lillian
There isn't much in the box, apart from a well loved copy of Wuthering Heights that Lena has seen her mother carrying around for years, a couple of family pictures and staged photographs, a small box of tea, not Lena's favourite but still a delicate attention, and worst of all, a packet of glowing stars. They're wrapped in cheap recycled plastic and a pink price tag has been half scratched off with what appears to be keys. The thought of Lillian Luthor in a dollar store is so laughable that for a moment Lena wants to do just that, laugh. Instead, the sound that escapes her throat is closer to a borderline hysterical cry and she's barely registered that Kara is awake that she's already tightly wrapped in her arms, her next sob muffled by the sleeve of her cotton sleep shirt.
"Fuck !" she screams into the garment. "When did everything get so FUCKED ?!"
"It's okay," Kara whispers, even though things haven't been so not okay in a long time. "It's okay. Let it all out. We don't have neighbours anyway."
"We don't have neighbours because my brother BLEW THEM UP !"
Kara tenses at that, and for a fraction of a second, Lena regrets voicing it like that. She knows Kara feels guilty about it, knows anger is not the way to go, but rage burns her stomach like acid, it bubbles all the way up to her throat and for once, she just wants to let it out.
"I'm so angry," she says, her voice deciding this time to rise up in a squeal as a big fuck you. "So angry."
"I know baby," Kara says as she rocks her back and forth, the little used pet name slipping out with ease. "I know."
For a moment, that "I know" is all Kara has to say makes Lena furious, and she feels like screaming again, unleashing an unhealthy rage on the person closest to her but she understands, after a beat passes, that maybe this is all Kara can say.
"You're so calm," she whispers, "so calm."
"Oh," Kara says, tone suddenly threatening, "I am angry. I'm furious. And scared. But if I let it out now I'll never stop screaming, and that's not what you need right now."
Lena forces herself to exhale slowly to the sound of Kara's low voice, attempting to melt her own anger away with her reassuring lilt. It doesn't work, but she'll give herself a pat on the back for trying.
"Come one," Kara continues, grabbing the glowing stars, "let's go decorate."
She lets go of Lena, unwinding her arms from around her but immediately extending a hand for her to cling to. They tread towards their bedroom slowly, Krypto following distractingly, and the rest of the afternoon almost feels normal.
They hang stars in their bedroom, Kara lifting her up so she can reach the ceiling like they did when they moved in together what feels like ages ago when they couldn't bear to be apart and Kara never slept through the night. They take a bath after, in a giant tub that doubles as a jacuzzi and Lena lets Kara wash her hair for her, strong fingers running delicately in the wet strands. There's tea for dinner, along with an industrial size can of tomato soup and grilled cheese, goat for Kara and cheddar for Lena.
Around 8pm, Alex shows up with two guns strapped to her thighs and endless fond complaints about Kelly and Sam watching a reality TV show she can't stand. She walks Krypto for them, the dog both excited to stretch his legs and hesitant to let them out of his sight and when she returns she gives them both another medical check up and two cheap chocolate bars from a corner store that is definitely not anywhere near their building. Just like the night before, she hesitates when it's time to leave, hovering awkwardly before she hugs Kara tight enough to hurt anyone else, ruffling her hair with sad affection. She has no update on Lex, the investigation of the charred house having led to nothing at all, and she finally leaves after laying on the kitchen counter two boxes of sleeping pills, one for Kara, and one for Lena. Kara eyes her for a long moment but Lena disregards them entirely. She loathes sleeping pills ; they always leave her drowsy and with a cottony feel in her mouth. The last time she willingly took some, Kara was dead, and nothing else mattered.
"I have a bit of work to do before bed," Lena says, "if you don't mind." With how little she slept since the prior day, she knows she's stretching her capabilities too much, but there is one thing she needs to check away from prying eyes. The DEO didn't find anything, but she might.
"Of course I don't mind," Kara replies, squeezing her forearm and kissing the side of her head. "Can I stay up with you ? I'll be quiet."
This is exactly what Lena doesn't want, but she can't find it in herself to say no to her, and knows also, that having Kara close to her might boost her dwindling concentration.
They make their way to her new office, the room almost empty compared to the cramped space she occupied before everything she owns got blown up. Much like at L-Corp, her desk has been set up with its back to the window, a long work bench lying perpendicular to it under the other window. The sole wall devoid of windows is occupied by a floor to ceiling bookshelf, the wooden construction interrupted only to leave enough space for a comfy looking couch on which Kara settles with Lillian's battered Emily Brontë. Lena sits behind her desk, pretending to test the comfort of her chair until she's sure Kara is absorbed in her reading, one hand absentmindedly combing through Krypto's fur. Only then does she unearth from her pocket the chip she ripped out from Lex's wall.
She makes quick work of hooking it to her computer, first ensuring that the connection only goes one way. She wants to look into Lex's shit, not give him more access to hers. This little piece that she nabbed at random turns out to be mostly infuriating. Her venture into its depth is surprisingly easy, Lex has always been tidy and organised and since he clearly wasn't expecting her to plunge into a fire to steal from him, he took no precaution in covering his tracks ; the path however, leads to L-Corp once more. And more precisely to a server in the basement, a rather basic one that houses employees files. Based on the serial number, she'll have to enforce greater security around all workers with last names in S, T and U ; just in case.
She tries to work her way up from there but it leads nowhere. There's nothing, not even a backdoor, a trail to pick behind a familiar line of code and when she grows tired of wondering how Lex got into something has innocuous as employees files, she rips the chip out of her laptop, slams it shut and only resists banging her head on her desk when she notices Kara looking at her.
"Ready for bed ?"
"Absolutely not."
Kara rolls her eyes in a tender incongruous way. "I'll go lock up."
Lena follows her out, keeping a couple of paces behind. She stops to check that the balcony door is locked, gazing upon the city for a long minute. She understands what Alex's aim was with this big, too big, apartment. Had they gone there directly after the explosion instead of being led astray by Lex, they would have been hidden in plain sight.
In the bedroom, she finds an old band t-shirt, one that she hasn't worn in a long time, and slips on a pair of Kara's boxers, ones with a loose waistband that she doesn't wear dinosaur print is mildly ridiculous, but they're comfortable, well worn, Kara's. Kara joins her a minute later, and after stripping down to a black tank top and bright red boxer briefs that run down mid-thighs, she slips into bed next to her, instantly warming the sheets.
"I've thought about it," she says after a long moment of silence, filled only by Krypto shuffling on the carpet at the foot of the bed.
"Thought about what ?"
"What I asked earlier. If we're gonna be okay ?"
"And...?"
"I think we are yeah." She reaches out across the vast expanse of the bed, the mattress bigger than what they're used to, and she brings Lena closer, tugging tenderly until she folds against her, head tucked under her chin. "I won't allow anything else to happen."
With this promise in mind, Lena barely sleeps at all.
The next morning arrives both too fast and with an unnerving slowness. Up until her alarm rings Lena would swear she can hear every second ticking by every time her eyes are open ; the moment she's out of bed, she barely blinks before she's buckled in the back of an everything-proof town car and on her way to work. Kara has been advised not to fly unless absolutely necessary and they both have to resort to more earthly means of transportation. At least it's not the bus, but Kara's always been squeamish about enclosed spaces and this car is not exactly spacious, courtesy of its hull being thrice as thick as a regular one. The driver is also not Lena's usual one, but another DEO agent burly and grumpy from having been plucked from another probably more interesting assignment. With little interest for the actual answer, Lena wonders how many people's lives have been disrupted just so she can keep her own.
They arrive at L-Corp quickly, thanks to the early hour ridding the streets of the usual traffic, and because their new apartment is closer to the business district. When Kara sees the building in the distance, she has the car circle the block twice.
"I haven't really checked the news," she says, briefly glancing at her untouched laptop in her bag, "so I don't know how bad it is out there, but I'll do my best to block anything too damaging."
Lena sighs. This is Kara at her best and worst simultaneously. "Don't worry about L-Corp. Sam held down the fort in my," she pauses here, careful with her next words, "absence," she selects eventually, "I'm sure we can withstand whatever comes next."
"You know I'm going to worry anyway, right ?"
"I know." Tenderly, she kisses the bottom of her jaw, letting her lips linger there on the sharp angle. She presses hard against her skin, inhaling her clean scent and trying to remember where the bone stops and gives way to alien self-regenerating metal. "You think too much darling," she says, wiping the lipstick mark she left behind.
"C'est l'hôpital qui se fout de la charité."
Lena bites back a laugh, turning the sound into a mildly clumsy snort. "French, really ?"
Kara hums quietly, mirroring Lena's previous gesture by pressing a kiss to her cheek. "Felt like being fancy. Which you can't really berate me for because as previously stated, that would be the pot calling the kettle black."
This time, Lena doesn't bother restraining herself and laughs in earnest, effectively countering Kara's accusations. Well maybe she is a little right, as Lena is after all wearing a tailored plum Italian three piece suit.
"We should go there sometime," Kara continues, "Alex went once and really liked it."
Lena rolls her eyes. "Alex likes France because she spent her entire trip shagging Sam in museums. And yes, this was a very traumatic conversation and Sam isn't allowed to drink Aldebaran rum anymore."
"Well, don't you want to 'shag' me in a museum ?"
Kara nuzzles her cheek, then trails kisses down her jaw and neck, stopping to nibble at a patch of skin just before it disappears under the starched collar of her shirt.
"I'll shag you anywhere you want darling," Lena whispers after a sharp intake of breath. "But not here and not now. I'm not sure I can be late to work today."
"You're the boss."
As if on cue, the car comes to a stop in front of L-Corp and Lena sighs regretfully. "I know."
Kara presses another kiss to her skin, higher this time, on her temple. "I'll see you tonight then. I'm not sure I can stop by for lunch but..."
"Do the best you can," Lena says, turning her head right on time for a soft kiss on the lips. "You know my office is always open if you need to escape Willy Dey."
Kara laughs sharply. "You know that's not why I visit you, right ?"
"I know. Keep Krypto with you today."
"You're sure ?"
"Positive." Gathering her briefcase, she unlocks the car door. There's already a bodyguard waiting for her on the other side. "I love you."
Kara smiles a little sadly. "I love you too."
Lena remains on the pavement until the car disappears at the end of the street and only when she can no longer see it, a tight unsettling feeling settling somewhere in the vicinity of her heart, does she whirl around and marches inside L-Corp, the shadow of her bodyguard falling over her.
It's still too early for most of her employees to have arrived and the lobby is empty save for security and a couple of secretaries discussing amongst themselves behind the welcome desk. The ride up to the last floor is quick and soon, she exits the elevator to find Eve Teschmacher eagerly waiting for her with a tall coffee and a taller pile of paperwork.
"Good morning Miss Luthor !" she greets shrilly. "I took the liberty of showing your 8am inside. Last minute meeting. Mr Melmoth was very insistent and I thought it might be better to get it out of the way so you can work undisturbed for the rest of the day."
Eve announces all of this in a bright cheery tone, completely ignorant to the fact that she just wrecked Lena's plan for a quiet return to work. She glances down at her schedule. Between the time she checked upon leaving her apartment and now, an S. Melmoth has requested a meeting. The name is not unfamiliar but she struggles with placing it. Maybe someone from accounting ?
"Fine," she mumbles. "Thank you Eve."
She gathers her files, her coffee, and after taking a scalding sip, steps inside of her office. She pauses immediately, the door closing soundlessly behind her. If someone is already inside, shouldn't the lights be on ? Just as the thought comes to her, light floods the room and she blinks back dizzying spots at the sudden onslaught. Someone is sitting at her desk, on her chair, and when Lena makes eye contact with him, the coffee escapes her fumbling hand and clatters to the ground, rolling away from her and spilling its content on her pristine floor.
"Ah. Lena. You're late. Come on in. We have a lot to catch up on."