Alex can acutely feel Kelly's eyes on her. Her gaze bores into her, stripping back the layers of her soul down to her naked fearful core.
"You don't have to say it," her wife says softly. Her lithe hand comes rest on her jaw and she wipes away a tear that has escaped the tight confines of her emotions. "I understand."
"Of course I have to say it !" Alex exclaims surprised by her own outburst. "It's not fair to you," she adds, quieter, "or to Sam."
Kelly sighs deeply. She smells like cookies and hand sanitiser and almond shampoo and Alex hates herself for slipping that way, for not keeping a tighter grip on herself ; her wife deserves better. What Kelly walked in on was fairly innocent, a hug, Sam's arms around Alex's body after she'd broken down completely on their way back from Kara's. But it's not just this one hug, it's the frequent increase of them, it's the ease with which Alex has fallen back into Sam's orbit, the need she has to be near her all the time.
"I'm in love with her," she whispers, looking at her wife. "And I don't want to. I never wanted for this to happen. I tried. I-" she gasps, has to take a deep slow breath before she continues, Kelly's thumb running up and down her cheek soothingly. "But I love you too. This doesn't change how much I love you and I- I never wanted to hurt you. Please. Please believe me."
"You haven't hurt me," Kelly says softly.
"I- What ?" Alex gasps out her question in surprise and it comes out as more of an onomatopoeia than anything audible.
"I mean, I'm sad and afraid because you're sad and afraid, but you haven't hurt me. I-" Kelly stops, mulling over her words for a second, the low hum that usually characterises her thoughts rumbling in her throat. "Have you ever considered polyamory ?" she asks.
"I-." This hits Alex completely out of left field. "No," she says. "I mean, I know it's a thing, but I've never thought about it for myself. Why ? Have you ?"
"Actually I have, yes." Kelly shifts a little on the couch so she's in a more comfortable position. "I was in a polyamorous relationship in college. It didn't end well."
"You've never told me about that."
"People tend to react negatively to these sorts of things," Kelly replies with a sad smile. "Plus, I've never been confronted to this again. Until now."
"You mean... Sam ?" Alex's voice rises in hope as she struggles to ask her question.
"I won't lie and say I've never thought of it," Kelly says easily. "Sam is, she's something."
"That, she is." A little chuckle escapes Alex. "Have you...?"
"Talked about it with her ?" Kelly guesses. "No. I'm fairly certain she at least has a little crush on me, but she's very shy."
"Sam ? Shy ?"
"Your girlfriend has the emotional maturity of a three years old."
"Not my girlfriend," Alex grumbles mechanically.
"But she could be," her wife says gently, "if only you asked her."
"Really ?"
"Of course really. That girl thinks you've hung the moon. And I want you to be happy and you're not happy right now."
Alex sighs, a weight suddenly lifted off her chest. "I don't know what I've done to deserve you."
"There's no such thing as 'deserving people'," Kelly says. "I'm not a pay check or a cookie. We don't deserve people, we're all just wandering through life hoping to meet someone who understands us and that we understand. I understand you, that's all this is."
"Then I'm lucky you understand me." Alex grabs Kelly's hand, kisses her palm and breathes in deeply. "God I love you."
"I know." Kelly gently wiggles her hand out of her grasp to replace it with her lips on Alex's. She presses a soft kiss there, lingering for a moment before she draws back. "Your love is the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Alex follows her before she can move back too far, kissing her in earnest and revelling in how easy it is to love Kelly Olsen. She tastes tears on both their lips, wipes them off with her tongue and presses, almost rolling her eyes when Kelly presses back and she's the one who welcomes her in, tongue slipping in her mouth, warm and familiar and loving.
"What happens now ?" Alex asks sometime later when they're tangled on the couch, Kelly's fingers idly playing with the collar of her flannel shirt.
"Well Sam is going to come home early," Kelly says, "because I asked her to. And I'm going to take Ruby to her therapy appointment. Then we'll get burgers. Whether you take that opportunity to talk to Sam or not is up to you, but whatever happens, I'll be home in time for Dancing with the Stars and I'll still love you."
"That show sucks," Alex groans, "I can't believe it's still on TV."
Kelly shrugs, a devious glint flashing in her eyes. "Sam loves it."
"That," Alex says sternly, "is not fair."
Kelly laughs, eyes crinkling at the corner in the loveliest of ways. "Listen," she says, "the fact that I'm open to polyamory and you dating your ex-girlfriend and maybe me dating your ex-girlfriend if she gets a handle on herself doesn't mean that I'm not going to give you shit about it."
"Are you sure you're okay with it ?"
Kelly's fingers still on the collar of her shirt. "I am," she says, laying an innocent kiss in the crook of her neck. "I've seen too much darkness to let love pass me by."
Alex isn't drunk. Despite the appearances, she's only had one glass of wine. Sam is the one who drank the rest of the bottle, but this wine has no effect on her.
Alex isn't drunk, but she is very, very nervous, and she keeps on looking at Sam's lips which is the mother of all mistakes considering that they have exchanged very few words since Sam came in after work. She lit a couple of candles, broke out the good wine, and proceeded to not have the conversation she's supposed to be having.
So yes, Alex isn't drunk, and Sam isn't drunk either and yet they're standing awfully close, too close for it to land anywhere near an innocent situation, breath ghosting on each other's lips.
"I think I'm going insane," Sam whispers.
"You're not," Alex says. Suddenly, she finds her forehead resting on Sam's forehead, thumb smoothing her high cheekbone. She doesn't remember intending to do it, feels like she's missed something, like she blinked and during that fraction of a second her eyes were closed, an entire world unraveled around her. "Or if you are, then so am I"
They need to talk. They really really need to talk, but suddenly Sam's lips are on hers, and nothing else matters. They're soft, and familiar, painfully so, but they also come and go in a moment so brief Alex thinks she hallucinated the whole thing. Not two hours before, it would have been better if she'd hallucinated it ; but not anymore.
Sam is already sputtering and apologising and before Alex can devise a better plan, can put together the words she desperately need to say, she closes the gap to kiss her back.
In this instant she's seventeen again, kissing her best friend in a world free of pain and she feels her chest expend and expend and expend to fit all this love inside her heart. It feels like their first kiss all over again, and in a way, it is a first kiss. A kiss of reacquaintance, of new beginnings ; clumsy for an instant before it isn't and they find their rhythm, before they remember each other and mend the very last rift.
Sam's lips are so warm, they've always been ; and Alex coaxes them open with her tongue, ready to fall into her, ready to come home, ready to-
Sam isn't here anymore. She stands several feet away, chest heaving and ragged breaths filling the air around her. "I'm sorry," she coughs. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. This is too much. You're married. You're..."
Alex's heart cracks open. Not in pain, not in heartbreak, but to shove Sam in it, right next to Kelly. "She knows," she whispers, knowing damn well Sam will hear her no matter the volume of her voice. "She knows I love you and she's okay with it."
"How," Sam sputters, "how ?" Then, "Alex, no. No, Alex. I've. I've hurt you too much, I've-"
She's shaking, trembling like her skeleton is trying to divorce from the rest of her body and with no hesitation, Alex crosses the distance between them to frame her face with her hands, forcing her to look at her. Sam could step away with no issue, could shake herself away from her grasp with no effort. She doesn't.
"And I've forgiven you," Alex whispers. "I've forgiven you a long time ago."
"Kelly..."
"Kelly knows. She knows Sam. She's okay with it, more than okay. But I can call her, you can ask her yourself. Or you can kiss me again. Or you can walk away and we can never talk about this again. The cards are in your hands. But Sam," and God, Alex hates the way her voice cracks, "I love you."
"You love me ?" Sam whispers, a flash of something Alex hasn't seen in a long time flickering on her face.
Alex laughs, it's more of a choked chuckle really but warmth and happiness are blooming in her chest and she doesn't care much about what she sounds like. "You're so dumb."
"I never stopped loving you."
And with that, Sam bends down, and she kisses her again.
Alex is dozing off on Sam's chest, getting accustomed to her searing warmth again, when her living pillow starts sitting up, stopping the soft scratching at the base of her neck.
"I swear if you move to put Dancing with the Stars on I'm breaking up with you."
Sam smiles a big dorky smile, kisses the crown of her head with an ease that makes Alex feel like she never stopped doing it. "I'm not putting on Dancing with the Stars," she says, rolling her eyes, "I mean I will later, but Kelly's car is about five minutes away and I don't know about you, but Ruby might have questions that I'm not ready to answer."
Alex sighs, straightening her hair and the collar of her shirt. "She's gonna know eventually."
"I'll tell her," Sam says, infusing her voice with that hint of reassurance Alex has missed so much, "just not tonight. There's so much going on already..."
"Do you think we're being selfish ?" Alex asks tentatively, averting her eyes to her lap. Lex Luthor is on the loose, her sisters just got blown up and set on fire ; shouldn't they focus on that first ?
"No," Sam says, gently taking her hand and huddling it close to her mouth before she lays a kiss on it. "I think there's no better time than this, and I'm glad you have more guts than me."
"We don't know if the world will be there tomorrow," Alex points out anxiously.
"Exactly. And I would hate dying without giving us another go." She pauses, frowns, her delicate tan forehead crinkling in thoughts. "When Lex flooded the atmosphere with Kryptonite and I fell," she continues slowly, "I could only think about you. And I was so sure I was going to die, I'd never been more sure of it, not even when Brainiac tried to turn me into Swiss cheese, and I was okay with it because I'd gotten to see you again. I didn't feel great about it when I woke up, but while I was dying, I felt at peace."
The key turns in the lock and Sam springs up from the couch in the least inconspicuous manner, finding herself standing tall, awkward and unoccupied just when Kelly and Ruby step inside. The teenager eyes her mother curiously but it's Kelly Sam is looking at not in guilt, but with an air that makes Alex think that Kelly is right, and her girlfriend has a bit of a crush on her wife. The fact that she didn't notice this before is frankly embarrassing.
Ruby discards her jacket and shoes by the door, briefly hugs Kelly, and then stalks upstairs to her bedroom, mumbling something about maths homework. Said homework will probably take her less than ten minutes and she will spend the rest of the night chatting with her friends but for once, Alex is willing to let her get out of family time.
Once the door has closed on Ruby upstairs, Sam approaches Kelly with measured steps, stopping at a completely ridiculous distance. She looks down at her feet, then up again, scratching sheepishly at her red neck. Alex comes behind her, presses a hand between her shoulder blades. "I feel like I should um, thank you ?"
Kelly smiles, cocking her head to the side. "You're a bit of an idiot Sam Arias."
"I'm not !" Sam exclaims vehemently.
"Maybe a little ?" Alex says, rubbing her back in comfort.
"In my defence this," Sam says, pointing between her and Alex, Alex and Kelly and then, very slowly, like a question, between Kelly and her, "is kind of a novel and strange situation."
"A good one though ?" Kelly probs, looking uncertain for the first time since Alex broke down earlier.
"Yes, I think so," Sam says slowly. "So again, thank you."
"Thank you," Kelly replies. "You make Alex happy."
"You make Alex happy."
Kelly rolls her eyes and Alex feels warmth rising on her cheeks. "We make Alex happy." She steps forward, raises herself on her tiptoes and kisses Sam's cheek. "Come on, I assume you haven't eaten yet ? Pizza ?"
In lieu of a reply, Sam nods frantically and as Alex watches her trail after Kelly into the kitchen and warmth blossoms in her chest she knows all three of them are going to be alright.