She doesn't go after Kara. She thinks about doing it of course, but she doesn't. She can't. If she does the red dot on her chest, tinged with green on its edges, will turn into the deadly Kryptonite bullet Lena knows it was meant to be ; and she can't let that happen. She just saved Kara's life, but it doesn't feel even remotely good.
Her phone rings in her pocket and she answers it without thinking.
"Bravo," Lex claps over the line, "bravo. Quel spectacle ! Would you happen to have recorded that ? I would love to watch it again. Maybe submit it for an Oscar ?"
"Fuck you Lex."
"Now now Lena, that's not very polite," he pauses, clicks his tongue annoyingly. "You have a week to uphold the other part of our little agreement or a bullet might find its way to Miss Danvers anyway."
The string of broken expletives that she releases falls on deaf ears ; Lex hangs up the phone before she can start shouting at him.
As if her sorrow splits the sky in two, a torrential downpour breaks upon on her, leaving her drenched from head to toe, hair plastered to her face, in a matter of seconds. She stands underneath it for a long while, even when Krypto hesitantly pokes his snout out of the staircase' door, looking for her. She deserves every bit of it, the chilling cold taking hold of her bones, the freezing rain mixing in with the tears and snot dribbling from her face.
No matter what happens from now on, she doesn't think she'll ever forget the look in Kara's eyes, the absolute betrayal dulling her blue irises. There's no scenario in which they'll ever be okay again. She thinks back to what she said ; "I would have let you go." Could it have really been that simple ? But no. No matter what Kara thinks, that wouldn't have been enough ; Lex wouldn't have settled for it.
She half expects someone to pop up on the roof to try and knock some sense into her. Definitely not Alex, but maybe Sam, or even Kelly. She doesn't know whether to be grateful or not that no one comes to her. When she starts shivering, really shivering, teeth chattering and bones rattling, she makes her way inside, almost breaking her neck when she trips down the designer spiral staircase.
The big empty apartment is bigger and emptier without Kara in it and because she can't fathom doing anything else, Lena simply stays prostrated at the bottom of the stairs where she's fallen, Krypto whining at her feet. It feels like hours before she moves, muscles tight and aching from her shivers and the fall. She progresses inches by inches, first making sure nothing's broken before she half staggers half drags herself to the guest bathroom, the thought of being anywhere near a space that is somewhat Kara and hers absolutely unbearable. There, she strips off her clothes, leaving them on the floor, a puddle of water slowing seeping from the ruined fabric, and steps under the scalding stream of the shower. She stays underneath it until the water turns tepid which, in a building of this standing, is a bit of an accomplishment, and only when she starts to shiver again does she reach for the soap, a big creamy bar with rough edges that smells of beeswax and milk. It doesn't lather as well as her usual soap, but it doesn't smell like Kara and it's all she asks of it.
After she manages to extract herself from the shower she stands naked and cold on the increasingly wet bath mat, her feet tingly from the humidity and her skin itchy from everything she's put it through tonight. As steam starts dissipated, she takes stock of herself in the mirror. A dark bruise is already blossoming somewhere on her lower back, wrapping itself around her to reach her left hip. A lighter companion is spreading on her left arm from where she tried to grab the railing to slow her fall. She probs at it, pressing her fingers against it until it hurts and then releasing it, her cold hand a sharp contrast on the tender skin.
She wonders what Kara would think of this, if she would kiss her injuries better even in the ruins of their hearts. Lena shakes her head dismissively at her own reflexion ; probably not, Kara is gone now, and it's for the best. Rain lashes relentlessly at the tall windows. She knows Kara is technically waterproof, but she still hopes someone picked her up. Alex probably did, braving the elements to get to her sister with the same energy that fuelled her when she launched them into space to get to her.
It could be comforting, knowing that through this Kara won't be alone ; but the sentiment is slightly dampened by the fact Lena herself has never felt so lonely. By pushing Kara away, no matter the reason, she's also forsaken her right to her family. Once upon a time, Sam might have chosen her, but now she'll surely side with Kara because of Alex ; and so will Kelly. And in any case, Lena doesn't want any of them to come to her. If they do, if they show even a modicum of care and love for her, Lex might target them too, use them as bargaining chips so she'll do his bidding. She couldn't bear it, if anything were to happen to them and though, distantly, she's aware that by isolating herself like that, she's already let Lex win, she won't backtrack on it.
When she finally emerges from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel of that same impersonal cream colour that characterises everything here, she finds her phone at the bottom of the stairs, the battery is low, the screen cracked, and the notification panel overflowing. She dismisses the two calls from Alex and the three from Kelly, swipes away the text from Ruby, what can she answer to "?" anyway, and focuses only on the seven missed calls from Sam, the most likely to barge in once she'll be done picking up Kara's pieces.
I'm fine, she texts ; and because it's the most blatant of lies, she adds, please don't come, I'll explain when I can.
Sam's phone dings with a notification right next to her and when Lena raises her head and allows her eyes to focus on the room, she finds her right there, in the middle of her kitchen. And because even the most terrible of situations can get worse, Andrea is here too. Lena freezes when she sees them suddenly feeling quite stupid, barefoot and wrapped in her gigantic towel. They're sitting across from each other at her kitchen counter, silent, and pointedly not looking at each other.
"I made you some tea," Sam says casually.
"You can't be here," Lena whispers in horror once she's gathered her bearings enough to speak.
"Well I'm here anyway."
"It's dangerous."
"And you better have a fucking good explanation," Sam continues as if no interruption has taken place, "as to why you shoved your tongue down your ex's throat because Kara is in tears in the middle of my living room and I have very conflicted emotions about what happened between my best friend and my sister." She marks a brief pause, points at Andrea rather impolitely and continues, "so I don't know why she's here, but I'm not leaving until you speak."
"I sort of feel responsible," Andrea says in a small uncharacteristic voice. "I should have said no."
Now would be a good moment for Lena to come up with another lie. Instead, she starts crying.
Big ugly sobs rack through her body. With no recollection of falling, she finds herself on her knees, towel pooling around her. She must look pathetic, naked on her expensive floor, but she can't bring herself to care about it ; plus, it's not like both Sam and Andrea haven't seen her naked at some point before.
"Fuck," Sam mumbles, crouching before her. "Fuck. Lena, what's going on ?"
Lena tries to take a deep breath, ends up choking on her own spit and whatever else must have made its way into her mouth, tears, snot, rage.
"It's Lex," Andrea says matter-of-factly, like Lena hasn't made her promise she would tell absolutely no one.
Blindly, Lena grasps at Sam's forearm, her grip made strong by despair. "He- He was going to kill her," she cries. "I had to."
"I can think of half a dozen solutions to that that don't involve snogging Andrea Rojas," Sam says blankly.
"Clearly," Andrea says drily, "not all of us are as clever as you are."
"Now really isn't the time Rojas."
"You started it," Andrea replies point-blank.
Sam sighs. Through her tears, Lena can see her pinching her nose. "I'm going to carry you to the couch," she says after breathing in deeply. "You can't stay like that, it's ridiculous."
Before she can find it in herself to protest, Lena is lifted clean off the ground, towel miserably left behind. She doesn't hang onto Sam, doesn't cling to her neck or buries her head against her shoulder like she would do with Kara. Instead, she remains limp in her arms until she deposits her on the couch and lays a blanket on her. Before Sam can walk away, she grabs at her again and repeats, "you can't be here."
Sam huffs, but Andrea interrupts her quickly. "I think she thinks Lex is monitoring the apartment."
"Then why doesn't she wants you to go ? If Lex is monitoring her we are all in danger. I don't like you, but that doesn't mean I want you to die."
Andrea shrugs, silhouette blurry against the setting sun. "I suppose I'm expendable."
Lena wants to protest, tell her it's not true, but that would be a lie. Andrea isn't expendable to her, but she isn't not expendable either. She's already lost her once, knows what it feels like, and, foolishly perhaps, thinks she could survive it again. Or at least it's what would wreck her the least. Her own reasoning disgusts her, but she's run out of other options.
"I don't mind it," Andrea continues, almost like she's lost in thought, "as long as I'm needed."
Silence befalls them for a long moment. One of the couch cushion digs into Lena's bruise but she figures she deserves to feel uncomfortable right now. She tries to get her breathing and tears under control ; she's made enough of a mess without adding a never ending supply of snot to the mix.
"That's really fucked up," Sam whispers eventually.
Andrea shrugs again ; Lena exhales longly.
She shuffles to sit up, covering her breasts with the blanket in an access of modesty, and casts a glance around the room ; it reeks of Kara's absence. Her mug is drying by the sink, her shoes are aligned next to the door, she's left a hoodie on a stool, and her satchel has been abandoned at the foot of the couch. Without needing to think much about it, Lena can picture her coming home and sitting there, head between her hands, heart already wrecked without either of them needing to speak a word.
"Are you ready to talk ?" Sam asks.
Though she knows that what she's going to say and what Sam wants to hear are two different things, Lena nods.
"Good," Sam says gently, reaching out to push a wet strand away from Lena's forehead, "then please explain."
Lena almost leans into the touch. She almost does a lot of things, almost curls in on herself and cries again, almost begs Sam to take her to Kara ; instead, she schools her features, making herself as cold as she can, and says, "I need you to go back to Kara. Take her side, defend her against me, publicly if you must. We're going to have to feud, Lex can't think I have any remaining allies." She stops, swallows an ache that has lodged itself in her throat. "Just- Kara doesn't sleep well alone. And she's taken to almond chocolate bars lately. Leave some in her pockets for when she's sad. And she gets grumpy if she doesn't eat a second dinner. And-"
"Lena," Sam cuts, "Lena. I can take care of her if you want, but that's not what she needs."
"Someone has to protect her !" Lena shouts, straightening up abruptly. Andrea puts a hand on her bare shoulder but she shrugs her off. "You-" she continues in a calmer, defeated, voice, "you know how she is, I don't want her to do something stupid."
"You know there's no guarantee Lex isn't still going to try to kill her, right ?" Sam interrupts.
Lena looks at her for a moment, long, short, she doesn't know ; she should have known better than to keep Sam off the loop, Kryptonians are so stubborn.
"Please," she whispers, "please, I have to try."
Sam sighs. "This is really fucking stupid. What am I supposed to tell her ? She knows I came to see you."
"Tell her Andrea was there."
"What ?!"
"She can't know there's a chance for her and I. I- I can bear this. If she's alive and away from me, I can do it. But if she dies... If she dies again Sam I won't survive it."
Sam's face hardens. "Fine," she says, "but when we get our hands on Lex. I get first dibs. I've never seen her like that, even Alex doesn't know what to do."
Lena chokes on her next words but it's better that way. "I'm sorry," isn't nearly enough.
Sam gathers a few of Kara's stuff, her satchel, a few shirts, jumpers and chinos, the hoodie in which she slept the night before, the baseball shorts she had on when she pinned Lena against the wall. She takes her shoes, her books, and after a moment of hesitation, leaves her favourite mug on the counter.
She stops at the door, pitiful cardboard box in her arms. "I really hope you know what you're doing," she says with an indecipherable expression. She leaves without saying more, and then it's just Lena, and Andrea.
Lena crashes for ten hours. Despite her reticence at entering her own bedroom, it's where her body guides her when it deems itself tired enough to sleep and, wrapped in bedsheets that smell like Kara and with her arms wound tight around the awful Midvale fair bunny, she falls into deep slumber, mercifully free of dreams.
She doesn't feel one bit better when she wakes up.
Andrea is still here, dressed in yesterday's clothes in her kitchen ; the sight is strangely bittersweet. She's ignoring Krypto at her feet and gazing at the coffee maker like it's the most complicated piece of technology in the world and even if she's facing away from her, Lena has no trouble picturing the tight frown knitting her brow.
"You're still here ?" she asks in lieu of a greeting, bending to pet Krypto when he makes his way to her, tail wagging hesitantly.
Andrea looks over her shoulder, indeed frowning. "I figured you wouldn't want to wake up alone."
It's true, but Lena isn't about to be honest about it. Instead, she says, taking a seat at the high counter, "you do know you have to turn it on for it to work ?"
"And how exactly," Andrea says slowly, the telltale sign of a sleepless night showing in her voice, "do I turn it on ?"
Lena shrugs, the motion tugging at her bruises. "No idea. I've been living here for three days."
Andrea whirls around and leans back against the counter, her eyebrows twitching.
"There's some instant stuff somewhere," Lena says, slipping off her stool to make herself some tea. "Don't look at me like that," she snaps, feeling Andrea's gaze on her, "I don't drink it, Kara uses it for cooking."
The last few words devolve into an almost whisper and when she looks down at her hands, she finds them gripped tight around the counter. Behind her, Andrea sighs.
"Fine," she says, "I'll drink the instant crap."
"You don't have to be here," Lena snaps. "I'm not holding you back, the door is right there." She points at it angrily, feeling her arm tremble pathetically under its own weight. "Just because my life has gone tits up and you're all I have left doesn't mean I have to tolerate your shit."
Andrea blinks, silent for a moment. Lena hopes it's because she's taken aback and not because she's about to laugh in her face. If she hears Andrea's laugh right now, if it's still bell-like, loud and clear like a cool water spring, she thinks she'll lose it definitely.
What Andrea has to say is somehow worse. "I would laugh, but that's actually quite sad."
She marks a pause, takes a step forward almost like she's going to reach out, like she's going to hug her, fold her in her arms like she used to do. Lena wonders what she would do if Andy were to kiss her on the forehead and lie like in the good old days. "I love you," she would say, and "everything is going to be okay."
Fortunately, Andrea does neither of those things. "Do you want eggs with your tea ?" she asks instead, sticking her head in the fridge to analyse its content. "Organic ketchup is disgusting, I don't know how you eat that."
Lena wants to tell her she's not hungry, that she's not even sure her stomach is where it's supposed to be anymore. She wants to tell her she can't fathom eating when each and every one of her organs feels like it's been turned into a miniature black hole and she's swallowing herself, her body feeding on her own body and her pain feeding on her own pain. She can't tell her that, because she doesn't know how to begin to explain it, doesn't know if "I feel cold, and sick, and I want to die," is enough to explain the absolute wreckage she's created, doesn't know if there even are words to describe the barren wasteland left in Kara's wake.
So, "eggs sound good," is what she says, and she leaves it at that.
Andrea, who is literally incapable of cooking anything simple, prepares a gigantic omelet with bits of bacon and tomato and an array of spices Lena didn't even know she had in her kitchen. She doesn't put on the radio like Lena suspects she wants to, but keeps a steady stream of one sided conversation, mostly mumbling about eggs and whether or not they have to be kept in the fridge. It's an age old debate between them, one that reminds Lena of simpler times, when they were held in detention in the kitchens for causing havoc at their boarding school and Andrea would take the opportunity to cook incredible things while Lena was stuck doing the dishes and keeping an eye out so they wouldn't get in trouble. For how annoying Andrea is, Lena is somewhat glad that she's here now.
The week that follows the break up is terrible. It's not the worst of Lena's life, nothing can ever compare to these weeks and months during which Kara was dead and each breath was a battle of its own ; it's not the worst week of Lena's life and somehow, that makes it worse. After the first night, she hardly sleeps at all, and when she does succumb to a few hours of fitful slumber she's plagued by horrifying dreams and often wakes up drenched in sweat having just seen herself killing sometimes masses, and sometimes just Kara. Her hands are raw from all the scrubbing she does during the day for every time she blinks, she sees specks of blood appear on them and has to wash them again.
She doesn't see or hear from Kara for the entire week and her absence from even the news makes her restless. She was expecting, well Lena doesn't know exactly what she was expecting, but not for Kara to simply disappear. Now, she knows she should have expected this. Though it might have seemed reckless, she did what she did very carefully, there was intention in her betrayal. She knows Kara, has been paying attention, knew exactly what she had to do to push her away definitely and though her own behaviour sickens her, she has to admit it was remarkably effective.
It's not just Kara however that has dropped off the surface of Earth, but also Supergirl. Maybe this is what Lena was expecting actually, for Kara to throw herself in her superheroing duties to forget her ; but there is no daring rescue, no ambulance carried to the hospital on her broad back, not so much as a cat plucked from a tree. Wonder Woman is left alone to battle a hydra that's decided to take a walk through Paris, causing damage to priceless historical buildings, and Superman, notorious slacker in Lena's personal opinion, is forced to assist in the emergency landing of a spaceship twice L-Corp's size lest it crashes in the middle of Canada.
As a side effect of this, Lena's car gets pelted more than once by mouldy fruits and Andrea shows up to half of their fake dating outings with a distinctive stench of rotten egg clinging to her after being attacked by "Supercorp" fans. People insult her on live television for being a cheater, the entire facade of L-Corp is graffitied with a very graphic picture of her and someone flies a banner in front of the conference room's windows during a board meeting demanding that she take Kara back.
She keeps her head low ; what can she answer to these accusations anyway ? She did publicly cheat on Kara, albeit for good reasons, and she won't go back on it ; the repercussions from Lex would be disastrous. She can't tell the truth to the public when she can't even tell it to Kara ; or to Alex when she storms L-Corp the morning after the break up. She doesn't get very far, and Lena is strangely grateful when Eve -cuntface- Teschmacher lies and manages to keep her out by stating that she's been banned from seeing L-Corp's "very busy CEO."
Instead she works until she can't stand or think and then works some more, often falling asleep at her desk for a few hours before she gets back to work. She manages to get a few of her employees of outer-world origin out, sending them and their extended families on all-paid holidays far far away. For those she can't protect this way, for those who refuse to abandon their work for something as trivial as vacation days, she works day and night on preemptive cures, slipping pills and serums in their coffees when she visits under the guise of checking on their work. Many find her increased visits suspicious and she finds herself stacking lies upon flimsy excuses and masking this precarious construct with bonuses.
In the end, it proves useless, and she thinks maybe she should have seen it coming.
/"You're useless," Lex snaps. "I don't even know why I bother with you."
Involuntarily, Lena freezes. Her brother is in a bad mood again. To be fair, he's been in a bad mood for a long time, but it's been more noticeable since their father died. He's always been a bit hot tempered, but Lena's always regarded it as simply one of his less endearing traits and left it at that. She isn't so sure she can ignore it anymore.
Some days, she would like to distance herself from him, but she can't. There's the fact that he's running for president of course, and that they have to present a united front, appear as a flawless family ; but more importantly, he's her brother, and on his better days, when he's not spouting bullshit about alien invaders, he's still so loving and caring that she can't bring herself to leave him behind.
She clenches her jaw, forces herself to give a measured and polite answer. "I'm not that well versed in pathogens," she says, glancing down at the notes she's been taking.
"Well study harder," Lex says harshly.
No mention of the PhD she's just gotten, in chemical physics, or the one she's just started, on biomedical engineering.
"I'm trying," she says, "but you know with my new thesis, I don't have much time and Ruby was sick last night and I've fallen a bit behind but I'll be up to date for our next meeting."
"I need you to be up to date now !" Lex shouts and Lena startles, taking an unintentional step back. "This research," he continues, cold and slow, "is of the utmost importance. Don't you want me to succeed ?"
"Of course I want you to succeed," she whispers, pressing her hands to her thighs to keep herself from fidgeting. There was a time Lex didn't care about her most annoying habits, but she won't take her chances now.
"Well it doesn't look like it. And if I'm going to be president, I can't have a bastard useless sister weighing me down."
Lena recoils again. She knows he's not really mad at her, that he's mostly annoyed and dejected at having been bested by Olivia Marsdin during the last televised debate, but it still stings, and she feels tears pricking her eyes.
"Oh for fuck's sake Lena don't be such a baby."
She doesn't see the slap coming, and most of all, she doesn't register herself slapping him back until the ring she's taken to wearing on her thumb has cut an angry line on his cheek. She looks, befuddled, at his blood coating her fingers, then slams her head so hard on the table that she blacks out from the pain./
Lena is ripped away from her involuntary nap by a scream and a tight feeling around her neck. She chokes, and when she opens her eyes, her face is inches away from Lex's face and her feet are barely touching the ground.
He throws her down and she lands on her chair, spinning away from him until he grabs the armrests and stops her whirlwind course. He's extremely close again, his breath smells of expensive whiskey ; there's no escape.
"Where," he whispers angrily, almost foaming at the mouth, "is the blood ?"
"I," Lena stammers, "I don't know what you're talking about. I gave you the blood."
"Don't lie to me ! I want the Kryptonian's blood. I want Sam Arias' ! Where is her blood Lena ?!"
"I-"
"Oh well," he says, suddenly freakishly calm, "we'll have to do without. Don't come crying to me when there's human casualty."
He grabs her by the wrist and hauls her up ruthlessly, his grip iron-like and unshakable. For one foolish second, she hopes Kara is going to come for her, that she's going to materialise in her office and rescue her, take her away someplace they can hide until the storm has passed. The next, she's gone through the portal Lex opened in her office and finds herself in her stupidly soundproof laboratory where she knows no one will find her. What she sees on her workbench turns her stomach.
All of her work has been swept aside, beakers lay broken on the floor, their contents spilled amongst wires and hours upon hours of research, to make space for a body, bruised and battered, chest heaving up and down in a wheeze, tightly strapped to the surface, feet bound together and wrists brought over the head to liberate the torso. The face has been beaten to a pulp, but she would recognise Jack's eyes anywhere, having often been on the receiving end of his inquisitive gaze.
He parts his cracked lips, lets out a mangled sound but it's another noise that catches Lena's attention. On the other side of the room, her former assistant is tied to a chair, the rope digging harshly into her flesh, leaving the skin raw in places. Without meaning to, Lena takes a step towards her. "Jess ?"
Jess' eyes widen and she struggles against her restraints, a warning contained by the cloth gagging her mouth. It's no use, though Lena does appreciate the sentiment ; barely a second later, a gun makes contact with the back of her neck.
She raises her hands slowly. "Really Lex ?"
"It's always been too easy with you," her brother says, rounding the table, "you're too emotional." He smiles, and clearly he's not the one aiming a gun at her so who is ?
Lena whirls around quickly, vaguely conscious that if the person holding her at gunpoint wants it, she won't even have the time to complete the motion. Thankfully, the woman takes a minute surprised step back and Lena doesn't get shot through the head. She might as well have been however, for the way she staggers back at the sight of her captor. She knows her, knows her well. In fact, they've been working together for so long, Lena having picked her up from the ruins of her previous job, that she's almost certain that Beth Breen is one of L-Corp's oldest employees.
"I'm sorry Miss Luthor," Beth says with not one ounce of regret, "I didn't have a choice."
The grip of the gun comes at Lena fast, and she doesn't have time to avoid it before it connects hard with her temple, pushing her head to the side with a snap that sends her out of balance. Her last thought before she blacks out goes to Kara ; she wishes she could apologise.