Time passes. At least Kara supposes it does. People come in and out of the house, Ruby goes to school, meals happen, she moves into the spare bedroom and goes to sleep when others go to sleep ; but she feels stuck, and for all intent and purposes like she's back in her fake memories, trapped in the Phantom Zone, lost in time.
For the first couple of days, she keeps an ear on Lena, thinking that she might go to her, but Andrea's heartbeat is never far and it makes Kara fear that she might do something drastic. Like tear her throat out with her teeth the way she distinctly remembers her "other self" doing once or twice. So instead she stays huddled in Alex's house, pretends to come down with a bout of the alien flu (thanks Rao for lingering prejudices) and doesn't even go to work. It doesn't help of course, she feels miserable, can barely breathe at times and finds herself rubbing at her chest often, like bringing in warmth will fill the space her heart's been carved out from.
In her most honest hours, she can admit she saw her break up with Lucy coming. There were signs, distinctive lies, late hours at work, calls taken from other rooms, whispers, fights. That's how she survived it, because deep down she knew it was coming, her heart and brain had time to prepare. What hurt wasn't so much Lucy leaving as what she said after she left, the insults, the words clawing at Kara's entire personality and demeanour, the sudden realisation that she'd never loved her as she was.
Breaking up with Lena is different. Breaking up with Lena is brutal ; it hurts in a more primal way, it buries in herself deeper, digging and digging until there isn't a single one of her atoms that isn't made of pure pain. It hurts, because Lena was supposed to be her forever ; her last first kiss, her last first date, her last love. Instead, their entire relationship feels like a big cosmic joke, one more hit, one more punch from the universe, maybe even the one that will finally bring her to her knees with no chance of rising again. Even if, truth be told, she could rise again, she survived the death of everything she knows not once, but twice, nothing can truly bring her down, she just lacks the will, doesn't want to fight anymore if it's not for Lena.
So she doesn't move, doesn't fight, doesn't try, and lets time crystallise around her, focusing on her breathing because it's what hurts less and she thinks her sister would be upset if she stopped breathing. She speaks when she's spoken to and goes through the automatic motions of life, one feet in front of the other from sunrise to sunset and then again the next day, and the next, and the one after that.
A beer is nudged in her direction and Kara grabs it absentmindedly. It's an old brand, label-less, a characteristic brown bottle from before the Alien Immigration Act and she takes a swig of it, letting the bitter taste linger in her mouth before she swallows. Her sister plops down on the couch next to her and she braces herself for an attempt at conversation but it doesn't come. Instead, Alex takes a sip of her own beer and starts meticulously pilling its black and gold label. Laughter spills out from the kitchen and when she raises her head, Kara catches Sam leaning over Kelly to grab something in a cupboard, her hand lingering on the small of her back far longer than is necessary. Despite Alex's silence and the way everyone seems to tiptoe around her lately, Kara's suspected it. After all, if she's taken the guest room and Sam isn't sleeping on the couch, that doesn't leave many other places where she can lay down at night and Kara knows for sure she doesn't sleep in Ruby's room.
"You want to talk about Sam, don't you ?" she prompts. Just because she's unhappy doesn't mean that everyone around her should also be miserable.
"I-" Alex takes a nervous swig. "No. Well yes, but no."
"You can, you know," Kara says. "I'm not going to break just because you're happy." Her tone, the way her voice does break, suggest otherwise, but she refuses to linger on it.
"I just." Alex sighs. "I just don't know where to start. How to begin to explain it."
"You could start by telling me you're still in love with your childhood best friend and the mother of your child," Kara says, a small smile stretching on her lips despite herself. It's strange to feel anything other than deeply rooted sadness and she takes a large gulp out of her bottle. "And that now you have two wives. It'd be okay if you explained it like that I think."
"One wife and one girlfriend," Alex corrects. She mirrors Kara and takes a swig of her beer but her smile is much much wider, her lips stretching with happiness, and a bit of the liquid trickle down, staining her jeans.
"You could have two wives," Kara points out, trying hard not to think that she doesn't even have one girlfriend anymore and her sister's got one for each of her hand.
"Polygamy is sort of frowned upon around here."
"But not on Krypton. I mean, kinda by the time I was born but they never changed the law which means that since according to article 13 of the Alien Immigration Act, Sam is allowed to follow the customs of her own planet, you could marry her."
"I didn't know that," Alex whispers, glancing at the kitchen where Sam and Kelly are slicing vegetables in perfect tandem.
Kara scoffs. "All American Clark doesn't exactly advertise this part of our culture."
"Maybe someday then," Alex says softly, "I think I'd like that. If they agree of course."
"I don't think they'd be opposed to it." Kara nods towards the kitchen. "How did that even happen anyway ?"
"They bonded over how much they love me ?" Alex suggests with a laugh. "I- You know Kelly told me Sam had a crush on her but I- I think they're falling in love with each other."
"And how do you feel about that ?" Kara asks, her heart squeezing painfully in her chest.
"Happy. Warm. Loved. I never dared to dream of it," Alex confesses in a whisper. "What I saw when I, when I took the-"
"The Black Mercy pill," Kara fills in at her hesitation.
"Yeah," Alex breathes, "that. It doesn't even come close. I never thought I could have it all, but I can."
Kara leans to put her empty bottle on the coffee table and when she settles back against the cushions, she wraps an arm around Alex's shoulders, kisses the side of her head and says, "then I'm happy for you."
Alex exhales in relief. "You are ?"
"Did you really think I wouldn't be ?"
Alex rubs at her neck, stares at her beer bottle for a moment then turns to look at her. "No ? I mean, I'm not really sure."
"You deserve all the love in the world," Kara says, "and if both Sam and Kelly can give it to you, then I think it's wonderful. And I-" she stops, mulling over her words for a second. "I will always support and love you. I will always be happy for the good things that happen to you, regardless of what's going on in my own life. Always. You hear me Alex ? Always."
"I'm very happy."
Kara kisses her temple again, tightens her embrace. "You deserve it."
They lapse into light silence, and Kara rubs at her chest with her free hand, trying to pour in a little bit of the warmth radiating from her sister. After a minute or so, Kelly and Sam exit the kitchen, a bit like they waited for the sisters to finish their conversation before they intruded on them.
"Pizza's in the oven," Kelly says, placing crackers and dips on the table while Sam crouches down with a large platter of sliced carrots and turnips.
Ruby, who's got an over-tuned food radar comes bouncing down the stairs happily and snatches a couple of sticks before shoving them in her mouth. "Thanks Mums," she mumbles around the food, crumbs spilling all over.
"Ruby," Kelly scolds, beaming, "don't talk with your mouth full."
The teenager rolls her eyes but apologises anyway and Kara chuckles. "Since when do you eat vegetables ?"
That night, like all the nights since Lena's betrayal, she cries herself to sleep.
The chair Kara is sitting on stinks. The fabric smells like the sweaty combination of several nervous butts and she should really not be sitting on it but she got the impression that all her pacing around made Brainy nervous and so she sat down. Contrary to her, he's doing his actual job and she feels a bit bad for bothering him but Alex is on an extended lunch break with her other thirds, J'onn is on a conference call with the president and Ruby has loud friends over ; she didn't know where else to go without being a complete hindrance to everyone. To his credit, Brainy doesn't snap at her, doesn't say anything really. He remains placid, focused on the data he's cross-referencing to predict where Lex might pop up next.
She swivels around on the chair, feeling restless and cold. She hasn't been spending much time alone with Brainy lately, and doesn't know how to talk to him anymore. She misses her friend, but he also reminds her of Brainiac and she doesn't know how to approach the subject without being very rude about it. She cares deeply about him ; but she's also been tortured and brainwashed by his ancestor and she has yet to get over it. She probably never will, is no doubt doomed to forever live with both the knowledge that it happened and the fear that it might happen again but she'd been doing well, and now that Lena isn't here anymore to sooth her nightly anguish, she's been doing worse.
"You haven't been sleeping," Brainy says out of the blue, barely raising his head from his work.
The statement, delivered flatly and absentmindedly, almost makes her angry, and she has to take a deep breath lest she says something she'll regret. "No," she says after she's managed to get herself under control, "I haven't."
Brainy doesn't reply anything to that and only after the silence has stretched for long minutes does Kara realise he doesn't intend on saying anything at all.
"Alex gave me pills," she says when she can't stand the sound of her breathing anymore, "but I don't sleep well without-" she cuts herself short, the thought of saying Lena's name suddenly unbearable.
"I do not sleep well without Nia either," Brainy comments, still looking at his data. "Such are the throes of love."
Kara eyes him silently for a minute, unsure exactly of what she's supposed to answer to that. It's not like it's unlike Brainy to say extremely weird things, but this one seems a little too far fetched.
"Are you reading Nia's romance novels ?"
"I am. They are rather interesting from an anthropological standpoint."
"I'm sure they are," Kara whispers, not thinking a word of it.
"I am studying heartbreak and romantic anguish so that I can help you better," Brainy continues, so matter-of-factly that for a second, what he just said doesn't really register in Kara's brain.
"You what ?"
"I am studying heartbreak and romantic anguish so that I can help you better," he repeats.
"No I got that," Kara says, rising from her stinky chair, "I meant why ?"
"You are in profound despair and need help," Brainy says, finally lifting his eyes from his work. He looks tired, sad on her behalf.
"Can't you just wiggle into my brain and make me forget ?" Kara asks before she can stop herself, the question bypassing all filters to burst out of her desperately.
"I cannot," Brainy says softly, his blue forehead creasing in sorrow. "Well I could. If your understanding of Lena is housed in your non organic parts it would even be easy. But I won't. It would not be fair, neither to you nor to her."
"It wouldn't be fair to her ?" Kara echoes angrily. "To her ? I'm not the one who's parading in plain sight snogging my ex-girlfriend !"
"It could be a misunderstanding."
"A misunderstanding ?" Kara scoffs. "I don't see how the love of my life shoving her tongue in Andrea Rojas' fucking mouth could be anything close to a misunderstanding."
"She might be trying to protect you from Lex," Brainy says calmly, "by pushing you away."
"That's got to be the dumbest thing you've ever said." A flicker of hurt passes on Brainy's face but Kara ignores it. "But have you been in touch with her ?"
He shakes his head, his expression morphing into one of apology. "I haven't." He extends his hand into the gap that separates them and his limb seems to stretch on and on before it reaches Kara's shoulder who almost recoils from the touch. "You are going to be okay Kara."
"I'm not so sure I will," Kara whispers, "but I don't exactly have a choice, do I ?"
He squeezes her shoulder gently. "This too shall pass."
It does nothing but make Kara want to cry more. Thinking about Lena hurts, but she doesn't know who she is anymore without her and she can't fathom a day when she won't be thinking about her at all. She won't lie and say the concept isn't attractive, but the fear of what could become of her the day Lena's memory doesn't rouse anything in her, not even pain, balances it out efficiently.
"My life's not a romance novel Brainy. Turning the page isn't going to make it all better."
Brainy ends up taking her to a small pizza parlour a couple of blocks away from the DEO for lunch where he orders them a couple of apple and olive pizzas. The combination isn't exactly good, but Kara's been having trouble with food lately anyway and she doesn't want to make a fuss about it. She feels stupid for not reaching out to him sooner, his silent companionship now like a balm on her broken heart ; and she's grateful that he doesn't seem to resent her at all. She supposes this is just the way he is.
After lunch, she elects not to go back to the DEO but to instead walk home. Home home, not home at Alex's place. Lena's heart is steadily beating at L-Corp and she seems to have left Krypto back at the apartment, the way is clear for Kara to spend a bit of time with her dog and maybe pick up a few more of her things ; most notably her old gooey armour. There will come a time when she needs to be Supergirl again, and she can't do that in the suit Lena made for her.
She tries not to linger in too long. The apartment smells like Andrea Rojas and she doesn't want to think about what has been going on here, right in front of the pictures of Lena and her still hanging on the walls. She rips one from its frame as she walks by, trying not to think too much about how fast they built a homey nest for themselves in this big glass cage. She dashes to her office, Krypto hot on her tail, stashes her armour in a large duffle bag, and then starts making her way out again. Krypto doesn't seem to want to let her go however and she's thinking about simply stealing the dog from Lena, when her ears zero in on her again and the entire world comes to a halt.
She doesn't think twice before she acts, doesn't think even once. Lena is in danger, and before Kara can fully wrap her head around it, she's ripped her bag open, slammed her armour on, and jumped off the balcony.
She flies fast enough for a few windows to burst in her wake but as she takes sharp turns after sharp turns on her way to Lena, property damage is the last thing on her mind. She'll deal with it later, or not at all. A flurry of questions burst into her comm device, most of them from Alex and when she blasts through the window and lands into Lena's office, the name that tumbles past her lips is both a desperate cry and an answer to her sister.
"LENA !"
She's not in her office, but Kara expected that, her heartbeat having vanished a couple of seconds ago, and if Kara wasn't sure that she'd heard her, it would be like she hadn't been here at all.
The room is almost pristine. There's no blood, no sign of a struggle save for her chair laying sideways on the floor and a couple of papers that haven't finished fluttering to the floor. Fear churns in Kara's stomach. The office smells distinctly of Lena, white flowers, and the potent scent of burnt metal that seems to follow her everywhere, but also of a sickening citrus detergent. Lex. Lex has been here.
She tilts her head to the side, trying to force her hearing to pick up a trace of Lena. She has to be here somewhere, Lex can't have taken her far and she can't be dead. She can't be dead. Kara is absolutely convinced that she would know if that were the case, that she would feel it deep in her soul. Lena can't be dead. She cannot be dead.
She rips her comms off to clear her hearing of all the shouts on the over side and finally, she picks something up, a distant and muted beat deep below the Earth, but before she can act on it, the door bursts open and she comes face to face with one of the last persons she wants to interact with right now.
It's Eve. She looks cheerful as always and has a gun aimed directly at Kara's face. At this point, it's not even that surprising.
"You do know I'm bulletproof, right ?" Kara scoffs.
Eve rolls her eyes. "I've got a PhD. I know my hair is distracting, but I'm not that dumb."
Kara's got less of a fraction of second to decide between firing a snarky comment or saving her ass. Out of sheer instinct, she raises her arms to protect her face, her wrists crossing in front of her in the nick of time so the Kryptonite bullet ricochets off of them instead of embedding itself between her eyes.
"Alright," Kara concedes, "I misjudged you. Happy ? Because I really don't have time for that today."
"Well no," Eve says airily, "I'm not happy actually. See I-"
"Where's Lena ?" Kara cuts, taking a step forward.
Eve shoots again but Kara deflects it carelessly with a flick of her wrist. She can already feel the bruises forming underneath her armour from where her metal arm slammed against her flesh after the first bullet.
"I'm afraid I can't tell you that. Lex really wouldn't be happy if I snitched on him."
Kara sees red. She's passed fear and she's passed anger, and she charges forward at full speed, too fast for Eve to see her coming. The part of her that knows she shouldn't has been completely disconnected, intentionally stashed too deep to be reached and if this cheerful PhD owning betraying blonde assistant is what stands between her and Lena, she'll make sure she can't stand anymore.
She doesn't reach her. Instead, something smashes hard into her side, sending her straight through two walls, her body digging a deep trench in the expensive floor until she comes to a stop in Lena's favourite conference room, her back slamming hard against a tall pillar that snaps in two and collapses to the side. She blinks, her brain still spiralling away even if her body has stopped moving and she feels the world sway around her as she tries to make sense of what just happened. Dust slowly flutters down all around her and Sam's face appears inches from hers.
She tries to push her away but Sam takes hold of her wrists and slams them down on the floor, hard enough to break through whatever was left of the floor. They tumble onto the next level, crashing into a mercifully empty room, a large wood table snapping under Kara's back. She tries to get up immediately but her friend slams her on the ground once more, cracks spreading from the impact.
"Stop it. You're not thinking clearly."
In a flash, Kara is up again and, not fully conscious that she's doing it, she lets her fist connect with Sam's face. Her head snaps back with a loud crack and Sam staggers away, leaving ample berth for Kara to fly away and find Lena. The noise however, and the feeling of supple cartilage breaking under her fist have brought back some clarity to her fuzzy mind and she freezes, breathing laboured, as Sam's hand comes to cover her nose and she groans.
"Fuck. Kara !"
Sam says something else, words too jumbled to really be audible but Kara gets the gist of it ; she lost sense of herself, like she used to, but this time, it's entirely her fault.
"Lex has Lena."
Sam pops her nose back into place. "I know," she groans. "But you can't do things like that."
Someone shouts above their heads. A gun goes off once, then twice and they hear a scuffle before Alex's distinctive voice rises above the mess, a string of profanities resonating down the hole they created in their fall before the dull sound of a body hitting something solid reaches them.
"I need to go help," Sam says, briefly looking up "Do you know where Lex took her ?"
Kara shakes her head. Sam's heartbeat roars in her ears and she tries to push it away, to make space for Lena's. She picks it up again, the muted sound coming from below her feet.
"Fuck," Sam mumbles. "Fuck. She could be anywhere."
Kara listens, listens hard until she can pinpoint the location of Lena's muffled heart, beyond several layers of concrete and Nnth metal. She has no idea how Lex got them down here so fast but finding her is absurdly easy.
"Evacuate the building."
Sam frowns. "What ?"
"I'm about to do something stupid that will compromise its structure."
"You...?"
Annoyed, reckless, afraid, Kara dispenses herself from further explanations by jumping straight through the floor.
Spinning on herself, she barrels through level after level, course correcting minutely to avoid casualties, and lands in the middle of R&D in a shower of dust. The effect of her arrival is immediate, people scattering away from her in a hurry, clambering over desks and fallen equipment before they realise it's just her, and all freeze halfway through fleeing.
"You need to evacuate the building !"
A beat passes, a single second stretching beyond what is acceptable.
"Now !" she roars.
The scuffle for the exit resumes and paying it no further attention, Kara marches to Lena's private lab, rips its door open, and steps in.
"Ah Supergirl. You're late. My poor sister here thought you wouldn't come."
Kara's body reacts before she does and in a blur, she's got Lex pinned to the wall, his head thudding against it with a satisfying sound.
Lex sighs, not the least bothered by her interruption, even when Kara presses harder on his neck. He clears his throat. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
She whirls around, holding him in place with a forearm pressed to his neck and surveys the room. Her grip on him gets weaker when she realises what she's looking at.
Lena is hunched over her work bench, like Kara has seen her many times before, but this time, she's not working on a technological marvel. This time, she's got her hands buried in what appears to be a mangled body, its skin bubbling and its features almost unrecognisable. Just as urgent of a situation, is the fact that someone is holding Lena at gunpoint. Her sleeves are rolled up but her white shirt is still stained with blood far past her elbows and she looks terrified, tears rolling silently down her flushed cheeks.
"Please," she whispers, "please Lex I need help."
"Well I can't really help you if your bodyguard is detaining me, can I ?"
"Kara," Lena pleads, "Kara please let him go. He's done something to Jack. Please. I can't do it on my own."
Her desperation hits Kara with the strength of a mountain and without meaning to, she lets go of Lex, watching uselessly as he dusts himself and walks to his sister.
"I haven't done anything to Mr Spheer," he says condescendingly, "he volunteered."
"You forced him to volunteer !"
"Semantics. Move aside Lena."
"I can't move aside !" Lena exclaims. "My hands are the only thing holding him together !"
"And your hands are about to be swallowed by nanites," Lex replies matter-of-factly. "Move Lena."
For the first, and hopefully only time, Kara and Lex Luthor's interests align and she hurries to get Lena away from the body, setting her next to Jess on the other side of the room and replacing her hands with hers.
"What did you do to him ?" Kara snaps, feeling Jack's insides ripple around her hands.
"I did my sister a favour by testing a faulty product before she could mass market it."
"I wasn't going to mass market it," Lena says, briefly looking up from where she's untying her former assistant.
"Shut up Miss Luthor."
"Shut up Miss Breen," Lex snaps.
Hands still buried into Jack's writhing body Kara looks rapidly between Lex, Lena, and Beth Breen, feeling a piece of the puzzle wonkily falling into place.
"You're a bit dense aren't you Supergirl ?" Lex remarks casually, removing an inch long piece of metal from the gap in Jack's stomach. "But I'm afraid the villainous speech will have to wait, I have to go."
With no further comments, he removes his hands entirely and starts walking away, right when Sam, Alex and Brainy drop down on the other side of the busted doors. Panicked, Kara frees her right hand to grab him before he's too far and in a completely incomprehensible gesture he turns around and shakes it, squeezing it hard enough that she can feel her metal limb reacting to it, the pressure making her synthetic skin crawl.
"I'll be in touch," he says before disappearing back first in a portal.
Alex, of course, jumps after him but she doesn't make it in time and Kara watches in horror as Beth Breen tries to make a run for it and part of her hand disappears into the closing portal, leaving her body mutilated and glowing an unnatural colour.
For a moment, they all remain still, frozen in tense silence before the room explodes around Kara, Brainy rushing to her, Sam rushing to Lena, and Alex helping a stunned Beth Breen to her feet and struggling to put handcuffs around her mangled limb.
"You can let go now," Brainy says, gently prying her hand out of Jack's body. "I will help him."
"I think nanites are trying to eat him," she whispers, finding her own words desperately comical. "I don't think anyone can help him."
She takes a step back, letting Brainy take over anyway, and finds herself stranded, alone in her own head, covered in blood and dust. Her right hand itches and she absentmindedly scratches it, her fingers running over a small cut at the centre of her palm.
On autopilot, she walks to where Lena is, sitting on the ground with her head pressed over her knees, Sam rubbing large circles on her back. Lena raises her head at her approach and Kara thinks back to what Brainy said. Maybe this really is a vast misunderstanding, maybe Lena does truly love her and is trying to protect her. She smiles, and Lena smiles back, the sight sparking hope in Kara, the feeling rising in her chest like a balloon.
Andrea materialises at their side.
"Lena ! I came as soon as I heard !"
Lena's face hardens. In fact, her whole body hardens, and the wall Kara was tentatively peering over shoots higher than any of them can handle. "You have to go," she says.
She doesn't deign looking her way and for a moment, Kara dares to think she isn't talking to her ; but she's fooling herself, and barely a second later, Lena proves it.
"I want you to go."
She looks up at her briefly as she says it and it's enough for Kara to want to fight back.
"No," she says firmly. "I'm not going anywhere."
"You have to go," Lena repeats, and this time she looks at Andrea. She looks at Andrea Rojas for love and support and strength and this, Kara thinks, is what definitely breaks her.
Kara tenses with hatred, her body buzzing with destructive energy. "Alright," she says, managing to unclench her jaw for this one word.
She whirls around with no further demand ; she won't beg for Lena's affection. Her cape flutters behind her and, ignoring her sister calling after her, she shoots back the way she came, flying up and up until she bursts through the roof, the building is ruined anyway, and then pushing herself some more until she pierces the clouds. She stops when she's far enough above the Earth that the rarified oxygen makes her dizzy and there, tethering herself to the planet's orbit, she catches herself wishing that she'd never known Lena at all. The feeling is violent, it hurts, but she lets it burrow deep inside her, allowing it to worm its way inside until rancour and pain is all that she is.