Kara wakes up with a warm comfortable weight on top of her ; and for a short blissful terrible moment, she forgets everything. Forgets where the ache in her muscles comes from, forgets what the hole in her chest is about. She forgets why she's surrounded by a crushing sense of doom and then, it all comes back in full force.
Lex. And the cave. And Lena. And how utterly useless she proved at stopping any of this from happening.
She feels watched, and her arms tighten around Lena out of habit ; she has to protect her. She has to protect everyone. She can't- she can't let them down again.
But her breathing is laboured, and her heart beats too loudly in her chest, and she's holding onto Lena too tightly, and she's going to do more damage than good, like always.
She opens her eyes, and it's just Alex.
Just Alex watching her sleepily from the armchair she's elected as her primary residence, fingers combing through Sam's hair, playing with the strands like her girlfriend is some kind of fidget toy. Sam's position, limbs folded awkwardly against her as she sits on the ground with her head on Alex's lap, can't be comfortable but she doesn't seem particularly bothered by it. In fact, she's fast asleep, a peaceful absentminded smile on her lips ; Kara envies her.
She envies her never ending resilience and the easy-going way with which she moves through life ; and the fact that though she's a Kryptonian, it's not her Lex is after. This green jealous lens through which she looks at her friend doesn't sit well with her. Kara refuses to feel like this when she knows Sam would throw herself between her and Lex to keep her safe ; just like she would willingly submit herself to torture a thousand times to keep anything from happening to Sam.
She catches Alex's eyes, her gaze carefully disinterested. Her sister nods towards the door, a question, a way out ; Kara nods back, and after disentangling herself from Lena and laying a soft kiss on her forehead, she exits the room after her sister.
She expects for them to go down to the cafeteria and grab something to eat, but instead Alex gives a good kick to the vending machine, grabs a pack of Chocos and leads them up, and up, and up, until they emerge on the roof in the cool air of the night.
"Didn't know I was allowed out," Kara comments, atonal. She takes a long deep breath, fills her lungs with clean air, and exhales slowly. She repeats the action a couple of times, mostly to keep herself from saying anything meaner, anything that'd make Alex think she's angry with her when she's not.
"I'm not-" Alex begins before thinking better of it and remaining silent while she makes her way to the ledge to lean against it. "You don't have to stay here if you want to go home. Do you want to go home ?"
"I don't know," Kara admits quietly. To be honest, she hasn't given much thought to this. Most of her brain power these days is focused on the very complicated act of taking her next breath, of allowing her heart to take another beat. "Is it safe to go home ?"
"I don't know."
Walking slowly, one careful foot in front of the other, Kara joins her sister at the edge of the roof and leans on the concrete barrier next to her. She bumps her shoulder in a timid attempt at reassurance, immediately feels stupid and awkward for doing it and wraps an arm around her shoulders instead, trying to keep her grasp light and harmless.
"I can up your security again," Alex whispers, "I can lock you inside a Nth metal bunker, I can sleep at the foot of your bed every night, but I'll never be able to keep you 100% safe. It's not a promise I can make, and it's a lie I have to stop telling myself." She breathes. Down below, an ambulance passes with sirens blaring. "You're never going to be safe," she continues, "even if we take down Lex. You've already died once Kara and I- I can't go through that again. I don't know what I would have done if we hadn't found you."
"But you found me," Kara says. She squeezes Alex's shoulder. "I'm here now and I'm alive."
"But did I find you in time ?" Alex asks, voice a little tight, weighted by emotions. "You're..." She gestures vaguely, lets the rest of her thoughts trail into the void. Kara doesn't need to hear more to understand.
"It's not your fault," she says. "You did everything you could. You saved me."
Alex coughs and sniffles. When Kara turns to look at her, her cheeks are wet with tears, her pale drab skin glistening in the moonlight. "I'm sorry." She clears her throat. "Some big sister I make."
"Technically, I'm older," Kara reminds her, squeezing her shoulder again, with a little more strength and intent this time. "It's okay. We're all in a bad place right now. And you can lean on me, always, even if I'm a little crooked."
"But you're- you're not okay !" Alex is sobbing in earnest now, snot leaking from her nose. Her body trembles as her breath comes out in short ragged puffs. "I need to- I need to support you. You need me !"
"I do need you," Kara says softly, discretely wiping her own tears. "But you're already here and you're already doing your best. That's all I can ask for."
"But you need more !"
"You can't fix me Alex," Kara replies, no matter how much it pains her to do so. She wishes, more than anything, that her sister could fix her, could make everything okay with a tight hug and a stern look directed at the source of her pain ; but that's not possible. "Just don't give up on me, please. Don't abandon me. We'll figure the rest out but please, don't leave me."
"That, I can do," Alex mumbles in between two sniffles. She wipes her face, seems disgruntled to find it so sticky and huffs loudly.
"That's all I need." It seems basic, an oversimplification, but for Kara, it's what it boils down to. If she's going to fight for herself, if she's going to keep going even when her lungs contract in pain and her mind spins with terror, she's going to need others around her to fight for her too. "Well that and a hug maybe."
Alex rolls her eyes, but doesn't further mock her and Kara doesn't need to ask again before she's dragged into a fierce hug, one that fixes nothing, but makes it a little easier.
When they break apart, Alex wipes her face once more, and extracts the packet of crushed Chocos from her pocket to offer one to Kara. It's mostly crumbs at this point, the biscuits victims of the sisters' hug and they pick their way through this chocolate mess in silence until the sun starts rising.
Kara tries not to look out the window. They specifically sat her in the middle, squished in between Lena and Alex so she wouldn't be able to see outside of the car. But the damage she's done is like a magnet her eyes can't help but be attracted to and the more of it she sees, the more she needs to look. Holes where buildings used to be. Boarded up windows and blown up roofs. Endless queues in front of shelters, people shivering under torched garlands. Is it Christmas already ?
They take the long way home, the driver very obviously avoiding passing through the alien neighbourhood ; but Kara doesn't need to see it to feel its absence. She's spent so much time here, unconditionally welcomed by its inhabitants, and now, now there's nothing left. Alex didn't even want to tell her the extent of the damage, just that J'onn had managed to prevent the worst of it. That's not what Kara is seeing. This is only the tip of the iceberg, and underneath it are lives destroyed, lights snuffed out, futures and destinies that will never unfold ; all because of her. And Lex. Her and Lex. His mind, her body. She needs to remember that. It was not just her. If she forgets, she'll never get up again.
Lena squeezes her hand and she glances down at their intertwined fingers, pale skin looking so fragile against the harsh metal. She'll get a new synthetic skin eventually but they need to access Lena's lab at L-Corp for that and L-Corp is currently another one of Kara's victim. The building is structurally unsound, and half of the employees are on mental health leave ; or at least that's what Kara garnered from listening in to stray conversations.
The car in front of them turns in the underground parking lot of their building. If people didn't yet know that Lena Luthor and Supergirl lived here, there's no hiding it now. Five DEO vans, three armoured cars, roadblocks and a small army are not exactly inconspicuous. There was a bit of a debate whether or not they should go to a safe house but Lena made a face Kara will call "interesting," and they chose to go back there instead ; it's the only home they have.
"They're not coming in with you," Alex reassures when Lena makes another interesting face at the sight of dozens of DEO agents spilling onto the concrete. "We're just going to establish a perimeter around the building."
Something flickers in Lena's eyes and Kara can see she's fighting hard not to say something untoward. She doesn't think anyone would really mind if she started swearing or even screamed a little but there's something to be said about her self control.
"I know piling bodies between you and Lex isn't going to stop him," Alex continues with remarkable lucidity, "it's mostly to protect you from the, um, other angry people."
"I know," Lena sighs, "thank you."
Kara is the one who squeezes her hand this time, delicately, trying her best to gauge the pressure from the electric feedback she gets from her arm. Lena squeezes back, hard. The rest of the cars pull up next to theirs. Sam, Kelly and Ruby exit from one, Eliza, Nia and Andrea from the other ; and Brainy lands gracefully a couple of feet away, his flight ring shimmering under the bland neon lights. He rarely uses it, told Kara once that flying messes with his sensory input ; but she's glad they had someone to take to the sky when it wasn't safe for any of the Kryptonians to do so. She nods his way, then remembers she's still in the car, her own senses confined to this small wheeled metal box, and gently nudges Alex until her sister opens the door and leads the way out.
The parking's ceiling is low, the lighting dull, and they're far enough below ground, having spiralled down a long ramp to get where they are now, that the exit is nowhere near Kara's sight. They're close to the seafront and the air is briny and damp, not quite like in the cave, but unpleasantly moist nonetheless, and it combines with the dust brought in by the cars to create a potent stench of burnt mould. She focuses on Alex's back as she leads them to the service stairs, keeps her ear trained on her heartbeat, regular if a bit fast ; she's not in the cave, she's not in danger.
She is not in danger.
Kara could be up the stairs in a matter of seconds, even factoring in a lower speed to avoid giving Lena whiplash ; but her small army of bodyguards is much slower than she is and the ascension is excruciating, their booted feet on the concrete steps louder than thunder to Kara's ears. They pile up at the top of the stairs like idiots because none of them have the keys and they have to wait until Alex overturns all of her pockets before they can spill out in the hallway that leads to the door and take their positions, looking uselessly menacing with their guns propped like this is some kind of fucked up dick contest.
The apartment is already crowded, though the seven people that are already in it, courtesy of the elevator, only bring their grand total to ten humanoids and a dog and are relatively spaced out in the ridiculously big living room. Sam and Eliza are in the kitchen, busy getting some snacks together while Kelly is methodically emptying the fridge of everything that has gone bad. Ruby is playing with Krypto, sprawled on the carpet and Andrea is sitting in an armchair not far from her, absurdly stiff, her eyes never resting on anything for too long a time. Brainy is looking out the window, deep in thought, and Nia has undertaken the serious task of looking at all their salvaged knick-knacks.
Kara understands what they're all doing here, it's the same reason why she's barely been left alone since they recovered her and Lena from the cave ; but it's fucking oppressing, and she feels her breathing stuck in her throat, her lungs reluctant to breathe the same air as so many people in a confined space.
Alex unlaces her boots and arranges them next to the door. She does it slowly, almost makes a show of it and Kara knows why. Her sister never removes her shoes if she doesn't feel safe, she needs to be battle ready at all time and there were even a few occasions in her life when Kara found her asleep in bed with her combat boots on. Kara is reluctant to do the same, but she removes her sneakers and toes at them until they're neatly parallel with her sister's shoes, then stands there in her socks, immobile and overly conscious of her own body.
"I'm going to go," she begins then pauses. She casts a glance around the room. They're not looking at her, but they're also not not looking. "Change," she decides. "I'm going to go change."
Alex says something, probably affirmative and encouraging words but Kara doesn't listen, her ears too busy tuning out the loud heartbeats to single out Lena's. She makes her way to the bedroom, Krypto immediately abandoning Ruby to pad out after her, his paws soft and comforting on the wooden floorboards. The room is exactly how she remembers leaving it, the bed, too big for two people who can't sleep more than a foot apart, taking up most of the space, and their stuff shoved everywhere else in an effort to make the place less impersonal. Then again, the bedroom wasn't part of the collateral damage, and Lena hasn't really had an occasion to be in it either since then.
She makes her way to the walk in closet, the lights automatically turning on when she steps in. They're too bright, and the amount of choice is somewhat upsetting, nauseating almost, and certainly dizzying, the colours dancing wildly in front of tired eyes. She finds black sweatpants, soft, well worn, and that miraculously smell of her old laundry detergent and a hoodie that she isn't really sure is hers but smells good and is of a nice non-aggressive grey. She strips and dresses again quickly, her body feeling less gross and alien to herself once it's covered. She catches a glimpse of her face in the mirror. Scars, deep shadows under her eyes ; she can't even remember what she looked like before.
Back in the bedroom, she lets herself drop on the edge of the mattress, lays her head in her hands, and just exhales, releases the longest of breath, trying to clean herself from the inside out. Out, out, and in. Out. In again. The bedroom smells very faintly of Lena, but picturing her curled up in bed, all alone, makes Kara want to cry, and she doesn't want to cry. She's cried too much already, how does she even have any tears left ?
Krypto comes rest his head on her leg, nuzzling her until she frees one of her hand to pet him, running her fingers mechanically through his short fur. She avoids his stare, big brown eyes looking at her tearfully like he understands, like he feels her pain too, knows what's going on in her head when she herself is not quite sure of how she can make sense of her own mess. He sighs, filling the air with strangely comforting meaty dog breath.
"I'm sorry buddy," Kara whispers. "I'm really sorry."
She lays her forehead against his and, fuck it, starts crying.
She's closed the door behind her, doesn't know exactly how much time passes before someone comes after her but when someone does and the door opens, sliding into the wall almost silently, it's Lena. She smells like the DEO, concrete, sweat, cleaning products and heavy soap but also, somewhere underneath all of that, so much like herself that it prompts fresh tears from Kara's eyes. Lena takes Krypto's place, gently nudging the dog aside until she's the one standing between Kara's legs, allowing her to press her face to her stomach, the soft flesh here muffling her sobs.
They stay here, Kara's arms wound tight around Lena's waist and Lena's fingers dancing in Kara's hair, until her tears subside and she draws back, freeing one of her hand to wipe her cheeks clumsily. Lena crouches in front of her and takes over the job, pulling a sleeve over her hand to gently rub her skin with the soft cotton. She's been crying too, her eyes red and her pale skin blotchy in places.
She smiles, hesitant and tender, frames her face with her hands and kisses her forehead, her Claddagh ring digging slightly into Kara's cheek. "Do you want to eat ?" she asks. "Your mum's made mac and cheese."
This is not exactly what Kara expected her to say and it makes her laugh, her throat producing a single choked chuckle.
"You don't like mac and cheese."
"But I like you," Lena replies without missing a beat, her smile a little mischievous, out of place in the midst of all this pain. "And I'm hungry."
Kara laughs again, another single choked sound. She tries smiling too, feels her face contorting to pull her lips up. Lena nods towards the door, Kara nods back. Maybe this is how life goes on. Food, family, a burning love turned timid but persistent in spite of everything. Kara gets up, holds out her hand and Lena takes it. Her palm is a little rough, but it's familiar, grounding. She lifts it to her lips, kisses its back once, twice, then makes her way to the door. They're not okay, not really, and maybe not ever, but for now, they go on.
It's weird to be home. Not just because "home" right now is a glorified hotel room in which they shoved all of their things to make it feel like theirs, but because Kara is beginning to feel safe again and the battle this singular spark of hope wages with her crushing anxiety really makes her want to scream. Her heart is in one place, her body is trying its hardest to pull her in the other direction.
Her family and friends stay for the major part of the day, sustained by her mum's stress cooking and premium access to a streaming service Kara thinks Lena might own. It's overwhelming at first, Kara wishes she could retreat to her bedroom or even her office without anyone worrying about her ; but she gradually relax into it, melting against Alex's side on the couch, Lena's head on her lap, until she's half asleep and even Andrea lurking in an armchair doesn't bother her anymore. She doesn't understand why she's here given that she absolutely refuses to interact with Lena, but she doesn't question it.
Brainy is the first one to leave, early in the evening after a lead on Lex's whereabouts calls him back to the DEO. Alex is fast asleep on the couch by then and he doesn't wake her up, promising to call if anything serious comes up. He looks at her with brotherly tenderness before he leaves, then jumps out the window and takes flight, Nia hitching a ride piggyback style. Then it's Andrea, who shadows out of the apartment with a tupperware full of cookies and an expression so dismayed Kara almost invites her to stay. And finally, Alex wakes up long enough to announce the Dansenarias unit should go home too and Sam, trying not to beam too hard at the slurred portmanteau, hoists her up bridal style and leads her family out of the apartment. Only Eliza remains, she'll be sleeping in one of the guest rooms. Alex could stay too, but she needs to be with her family for a while, Kara can see it in the way she sleepily reaches for Kelly's hand while Sam carries her away.
Eliza watches as they walk out, shakes her head and smiles softly. "Never thought I'd see that day." She turns around once the door closes, makes her way back to the kitchen and starts getting clean plates and glasses. "Your sister's always had a lot of love to give," she then answers to Kara's silent question. "I just hope it'll work out this time, they're lovely together."
"Sam isn't going to make the same mistake twice," Lena says. "If she does, I'll kick her ass myself."
Eliza rolls her eyes. "I don't know what I did in a past life to end up with such a bunch of fiery daughters, but I'd do it all over again."
Lena makes a strange choked sound, and buries her head between Kara's shoulder blades, hugging her from behind and moulding her front to her back.
"I'm gonna go take a shower," she mumbles. "I think."
"Want me to come with you ?" Kara asks, glancing over her shoulder.
Lena shakes her head, kisses the back of her neck. "Thank you. I'll be fine."
It takes her a good minute to let go of Kara, she seems reluctant to disentangle herself from her and Kara is as reluctant to let her go, grabbing her hands to kiss her knuckles when she starts moving away. Lena mouths something against her skin, something that suspiciously feels like "I love you," and Kara mouths it back, painting it silently on the palm of her hand before she gives it one final kiss and lets her move away.
"You're going to be okay," Eliza says once Lena is out of earshot.
Kara looks up at her mum, unsure of where exactly this is going.
"The two of you. You're going to be okay. She loves you more than anything and you love her too. Once this," Eliza says, vaguely gesturing in a way that is laughable compared to what she's trying to designate, "is over, you're going to be okay."
"I hope so," Kara whispers. "I hope so."
She starts setting the table. It seems they're going to eat pasta again but it's fine, it's the only thing she can stomach right now and Lena's human and fragile digestive system needs time to readapt.
"Do you have," she begins to ask, aligning the cutlery so it's perfectly parallel on either side of the plates, "um. I left a bracelet at your place. Did you find it ?"
Her mum hums. "I gave it to Lena. She's keeping it safe for you while you think about it."
"Okay."
Kara rubs at her wrist. She was so angry when she ripped it off, but now she feels naked without the cuff. It would be easily fixable, she could just walk up to Lena and ask for it back, or even just go through her things and find it ; but maybe they need to talk about it first, give themselves a bit of time. They're not in the cave anymore, things are different out here, in the real world. And it would be weird, wouldn't it ? To ask Lena to marry her now when they could be dead tomorrow ? If it were a movie, she'd do it of course. They'd get engaged dramatically in the middle of the final battle and the world would stop to let them kiss passionately, maybe even in slow motion. Her life isn't a movie though and if it were, she'd spare herself the anguish and wouldn't watch it.
Dinner is a quiet affair. Eliza leads a quiet non-controversial conversation about the last seeds she got for her garden then excuses herself to bed while Kara and Lena partake in the terribly normal activity of doing the dishes then retreat to the balcony for a late cup of tea and a bit of fresh air. Lena's hair is still damp from her shower and she's loosely braided it to keep it out of her face, a few stray strands framing her hollow cheeks. Even like that, even bruised and hurt and exhausted, she's the most beautiful woman Kara has ever seen. She wraps a blanket around her shoulders, carefully, mindful of the fragile bones covered by the large hoodie Lena is wearing. She can feel something in the front pocket while she adjusts it, knows it's her bracelet, but doesn't mention it. It's reassuring, to know Lena is keeping it safe for her until they're in a better place.
It's cold outside, for National City at least, but the view is beautiful, hundreds of stars shining down on them, and on the horizon the bright burning light of the last rays of the setting sun. It feels cleansing in a way, like tomorrow really will be another day, and not the continuation of the nightmare Kara has been living in for weeks now. She lifts her eyes to stare at the night and realises, heart stuttering painfully, that she can't find Krypton. She's always been able to find it before, no matter where she is but tonight, it's just not there, and it can't be gone already, can it ? It hasn't been long enough for its dead light to stop reaching Earth, has it ? Her breathing catches in her throat, her arms tightens around Lena. This can't be happening. Not now, not yet, not today. Hasn't she been through enough without losing this last tether to her planet too ? Do things like this have to keep on happening to her again and again and again ?
"Kara ? Kara love are you okay ?"
Kara forces her arms to unwind from around Lena, takes a step back.
"Krypton's not there," she whispers. "I can't- I can't find it Lena. It's gone."
"That's not possible."
"It's not there Lena," Kara repeats, voice shrill with anguish.
Lena looks up too. "That's not possible," she says again. "How long has it been since-" she cuts herself off ; Kara wants to scream.
"Forty years," Kara says, looking down at her feet, "give or take. I'm not sure I- Human years- Krypton years-" She looks up again then immediately lowers her gaze. She can't bear to stare any longer at something that isn't here anymore. Rao is here, shining like always but Rao feels like a joke right now and it's her dead planet she wants to see.
"How far away is Krypton from Earth ?" Lena asks gently.
"37 light years," Kara says, "it's 37 light years away." And as she says it, as she utters these few words, she understands. Rao, she understands.
And her god may have forsaken her, but the irrepressible need to pray washes over her like a tidal wave. She falls to her knees, the balcony cracking under her weight, and prays. She prays that she's seeing wrong, prays that this isn't true and that her heart isn't going to crack in two in her chest and she prays, Rao she prays, that Lena won't say what she knows she's going to say.
"Then," Lena begins, turning over and crouching down in front of her, blanket slipping off her shoulders.
"Please," Kara begs, voice too low and too hoarse to be heard, "please don't say it."
"It's been 37 years."
"No," Kara mumbles, shaking her head vigorously. "No." Her ears ring from the aftershock, she doubles over, hand clutching her heart, and narrowly avoids Lena's feet when she empties her stomach on the tiled floor. "No."
Lena wipes her mouth clean with the sleeve of her hoodie, wraps her arms around her without asking and starts rocking them, the motion slowly unlocking the sobs stuck in Kara's throat.
"I'm sorry darling. I'm really sorry."
"Why-" Kara chokes, "why now ? It's too - too soon- I- Why ?"
"Physics," Lena answers simply.
And well, Kara knows she's right, knows it was only a matter of time before the light reflecting of a dead planet finished its journey to Earth, it's been a constant thought in the background of her mind since she first set foot on this stupid planet. But this simple answer, this one word, "physics," doesn't seem like enough to explain the irreversible gap that has just teared itself through Kara's soul.
"It's not fair," Kara mumbles, coughing and sniffling. "It's not fucking fair." She'd like to scream it, shout it loud enough that even Rao would hear her, but her voice refuses to rise above this pitiful whisper.
"I know," Lena says, relentless in her gentle rocking motion, "I know. It's okay."
Lena doesn't know, she can't possibly begin to grasp the depth of what is happening right now, and it's not okay, far from it, but Kara understands what her aim is, what she's trying to do. Faced with the enormity of grief, humans and aliens alike both fall back on insignificant sayings.
"Let's get you inside alright ?"
Kara shakes her head. Quite violently she supposes since Lena draws back abruptly to avoid getting her skull crushed.
"Come on. It's freezing out there. There's no point being outside."
Kara wants to point out there's no point being inside either but instead lets herself coaxed to the bathroom and out of her clothes with minimum noise and damage to her environment. Her mum is fast asleep, breathing steady and reassuring and somehow in between the balcony and the bathtub, the need to let her rest takes precedence over Kara's distress and she makes herself absurdly quiet.
The water is warm. She knows it because steam rises from the shower stream, but she doesn't really feel it on her skin, too consumed by the 37 years old fresh wound gaping open in her chest. Lena steps in with her, naked and marvellous, and washes her hair, her face, her body for her in tender rhythmic motions, all the while humming a low melody that sounds as old as the Earth. Kara's heart quiets, her breathing settles, and without much warning, her legs give out from under her and she collapses on Lena, limbs piling in an awkward embrace.
Her lips land on her pulse point and she lets her world narrow down to this, pain, grief, everything else receding to the background in favour of the familiar feeling of Lena's heart pumping her blood in her body. Everyone on Krypton, her family, her friends, they're gone, they have been for 37 years and no matter how much she loves them, no matter how hard she tries, she can never bring them back. Krypton no longer shining is the full stop she's been waiting for. They are gone.
They're gone, but Lena is here, and Lena she can love. Lena she has to love before she too is taken away from her.
The feeling takes hold of her like a vice, squeezing and displacing her organs until her heart is burning low in her body and her hands, somehow, are on Lena's hips. She presses a kiss to her neck, then draws back, careful to maintain her strength and speed within the limits of human perception. Her question, her need, is clear on her face, but she puts it into words anyway.
"I-" She chokes, swallows, berates herself silently, then starts again. "I need to- Can I touch you ?"
Lena looks at her with an intensity that consumes Kara to ashes and whether it's the rawness of her expression, or because Lena needs it too, she closes in on her in barely a second, uttering a small strangled "please," just before she kisses her.
They haven't kissed in weeks, for a series of rather obvious reasons, and Kara almost cannot cope with the reunion, the wave of desire that sweeps through her reducing her to a puddle of pure lust instantly. Lena backs her up against the wall and she goes willingly, what little breath she still has rushing out of her when she hits the damp tiles. For the part she played in initiating this moment, she has little control beyond that and it feels so good to relinquish control of herself to someone who means no harm that for a moment she thinks she's going to cry again. Everything Lena wants, she gives willingly. She deepens the kiss at her request, letting her mouth open to welcome a warm and pliant tongue, carries her out of the bathroom at her request, climbing on top of her when she tugs on her biceps with feverish hands, and it's at her request, that she buries inside of her, stretching herself and Lena beyond where they've been in a long time and giving more than she ever thought would be wanted of her. She loves her so much. She loves her and she loves her and she loves her, and she knows that when the time comes, she'll march into the arms of death willingly for her and she will kill Lex.