Kara's got the headache of the century. White lights flash in front of her eyes, the ground is unsteady beneath her feet. Her skin feels clammy, itchy and gross under her suit, and she thinks she must have thrown up at some point because something tastes funny in her mouth. She walks out of the hospital, Lena in her arms, Lex's body in a bag following right behind them. They're going to put him in the DEO's morgue for now and then... Well it'll depend on Lena really, whether she wants to give him a funeral or not. Otherwise maybe Kara will chuck is body into the sun.
The hospital's parking lot is crowded, half with staff and evacuated patients, who cheer and clap when Kara walks out, and half with nosy reporters, who yell for her attention. Someone tries to grab at her ; she hears their bones snap when Alex pushes them away. A couple of vans are waiting for them, Sam, Kelly and Andrea already inside. They make themselves small when Kara steps in and buckles Lena beside her ; maybe because Lena's barely contained grief makes her seem much larger than she really is. She curls in on herself immediately, makes herself small, but her presence sucks up all the air in the car, and once Alex's climbed in too and has closed the door behind her the inside of the van feels constricting, suffocating.
The ride to the DEO is short, the streets have been cleared out save for the ambulances transferring patients from one hospital to the other, their blue flashing lights confounding with the Christmas garlands as their van rushes past. Once there, getting Lena out of the car turns out to be more difficult than foreseen. Between the hospital and the DEO, she's begun clinging to the belt, her knuckles white around the black strap. Kara unclenches her fingers one by one as delicately as she can manage and then carries her out with gentle hands and a gentler grasp. They take the elevator up instead of the stairs and it makes her feel terrible and stuck, but she doesn't really care.
In the med bay, she lays Lena on the bed she sleeps in more often than her own, drags an armchair closer, and settles in next to her. She takes her hand in her own, slowly intertwines their fingers, and focuses on her breathing for a minute or so. She didn't think she'd get to do that, didn't think she'd be here with Lena, and frankly, not being dead after the "big fight" feels a little anticlimactic. Is that it really ? No big sacrifice, no painful separation, just blood and grime on her hands and an empty feeling in her chest ? It's not right. How can it be right ? She was ready to die for Lena and now she's alive and she doesn't know how to deal with the consequences.
Alex says Lena is in shock. It's nice of her to point out the obvious, to attempt conversation to breach the divide between Kara and everyone else, but really, she kinda figured that one out on her own. They bring in doctors, antiseptics and medications ; Kara spends an inordinate amount of time cleaning Lena's face and removing her shoes, tasking herself with keeping the laces intact, then requests sleeping pills and knocks herself out for a good portion of the day.
She doesn't feel better when she wakes up, even marginally so. First of all, she fell asleep in the suit, and is seriously wondering if she's going to manage to get out of it, the smart material so tight and clingy it seems fused to her skin. Then there's Lena, who's still completely out of it, eyes wide open and glued to the ceiling. She hasn't said anything at all, hasn't cried, and has been meticulously avoiding everyone's eyes since they arrived here. Kara desperately wishes there was something she could say, but nothing seems appropriate. It's not the right time to say I love you, it doesn't seem like nearly enough to fix everything ; and, sorry your mother killed your brother, is exactly what Kara imagines salt rubbing in a wound sounds like.
She squeezes Lena's hand softly. It doesn't get her attention, but she didn't really think it would. She slides off her armchair then, sorts of wobbly gets to her feet and makes for the locker room on the other side of the floor, hugging Eliza tight before she goes and entrusting her with Lena. Her mum closes her eyes when they switch places. She looks tired, grief stricken, the shadows underneath her eyes as dark and deep as when Jeremiah died. Kara wonders if this is what she looked like when she died too, then decides she doesn't really want to know.
The locker room isn't empty, but the few agents hanging around are quick to scuttle off ; Kara figures it must have something to do with the fact that she's still covered in blood. She struggles to get out of the suit, first attempting to peel it off of her like regular clothes before she remembers the release mechanism hidden in the crest and waits impatiently for the second it takes to fold back into a flat box. She abandons it on a bench, along with the sleepwear she was wearing underneath, and steps into the only unused shower stall, the tiled floor mercifully dry under her sensitive feet. It's one of thing she's most thankful for, the quiet ways the people around her take care of her ; this one shower stall, always clean, her favourite biscuits, always stocked up in the cafeteria and in a good number of her coworkers' pockets for when she's having a hard day.
She remains in the shower for a long while, long after the water has stopped running red from the blood that's slipped into every nook and cranny of her body. It's too light to be her own, too dark to be just Lex's, it's a perfect mixture of both of them and it sticks to her viciously, like a last hurrah, until she's scrubbed herself raw, her skin bubblegum pink and tingly. She doesn't really mean to, and absolutely doesn't want to, but she starts crying somewhere along the way, the water masking both her tears and her sobs. It feels wrong to cry before Lena has even begun to unravel ; she's not the one who lost someone today. But she can't help it, and so she does cry, curling in on herself under the hot stream, breathing shallow, and letting her tears fall and fall and fall, sobs tearing themselves out of her wrecked body, until she hears the door open immediately followed by the sound of Alex's distinctive gait.
She waits until she's heard Alex sitting on the bench, soft fabric ruffling against the metal, before she straightens up, cuts the flow of the water, reattaches the tap after she's twisted it too hard, and steps out of the shower. Alex averts her eyes when she joins her in the room, not so much because Kara is naked, it's nothing she hasn't seen before, but because she's littered with cuts and bruises, her skin marble-like and frightening. She hands her a towel, worn and grey, one of her own Kara realises when she wraps it around herself and catches a whiff of her sister's sharp perfume. Kara sits down next to her, carefully, but the bench still creaks under her weight. No matter what she does, it seems she's never gentle enough for the world around her.
Alex grabs her chin, tenderly, the pressure of her fingers barely there on Kara's skin, and makes a low disapproving noise.
"I'll go take a nap under the sun lamps later," Kara grumbles, attempting to turn her face away from her sister's prying eyes. Alex's grip however, turns unyielding, and Kara doesn't resist for fear of hurting her.
"Let me take care of you," she says. "You did your part, now it's my turn."
Alex ruffles in the bundle of clothes at her side, extracts a small first aid kit, and starts dabbing alien-grade antiseptic on Kara's forehead. It's not particularly useful, a short stint under the sun lamps will take care of anything that's fixable, but still, a knot unwinds in Kara's chest at the small act of care. She hisses at the prickly sensation on her wound, inhales sharply, and pouts.
"Don't be a baby," Alex grumbles good-naturedly.
"Well excuse me, but it hurts. I'd like to see you in that position."
Alex snorts, wiggles her gloved fingers in front of Kara's eyes. "Pretty sure that shit would make my skin melt so I'm gonna pass on that one."
She finishes cleaning the wound quickly, rolling her eyes every time Kara winces, then applies a thick coating of cream and a clean strip of gauze. "There," she says, laying a soft kiss on top of the bandage, "all good."
"I'm not a kid," Kara says, smiling nonetheless.
"You're my baby sister. That grants me the power to fix everything for you."
"I'm an immortal cyborg who went on several murder sprees, got tortured and experimented on on two separate occasions, and just took great joy in beating down a madman. What do you have in store for that ?"
Alex sighs, rubs at some imaginary dirt on Kara's cheek. "Fresh air and some Chocos ?" she offers.
Kara looks down at her bare feet. For a second, they appear separate from her and she focuses on that, on this feeling of alienness, on the impression this body is not hers, that she's not tethered to anything and could just vanish into the ether at any point with no consequences, then, she forces her mind back to Earth and nods. "That'll do."
By fresh air Alex means the roof, which makes Kara smile if not much else. She feels dizzy, a little out of sorts, and struggles to eat her Chocos, the biscuits thick and gluey, their filling sticking to her palate. They gaze at the city in silence for a long time. It's colder this high up, but Alex doesn't complain, just hugs her cardboard coffee cup to her chest. Kara wouldn't be able to say what time it is, just that by the position of the sun, it must be far past noon. Most of the sky is obscured by a low covering of light clouds, casting the streets in shadows, and in several places, the lights have already been turned on to fight off the dreary afternoon. There are garlands and multicoloured lights on almost every building as far as Kara can see. She takes turns singling out certain colours, counting how many garlands are in a particular shade of blue, then following someone with a jacket of that exact colour, letting her vision blur in between. Some people carry bulging bags, others large boxes, and absolutely all of them rush everywhere, overtaken by a cheerful hurry that hasn't reached Kara or anyone inside of the DEO. People watching is not a particularly productive activity, but it's calming ; at least it is until it brings a question to her mind, one that she absolutely has to voice.
"Alex," she asks, "what day are we ?"
Alex doesn't answer right away. She briefly glances at the ant-like crowd below, then finishes her coffee and puts the cup on the ledge. "It's," she starts before stopping abruptly and picking up her cup again so she can turn it over and over in her hands at a maddening rhythm. "I think it's Christmas Eve." She lets go of the cup again to retrieve her phone from her pocket ; the screen is cracked. "Yeah," she breathes, "yeah it's Christmas Eve. Fuck."
"Fuck," Kara echoes. There isn't really more she can answer to that.
"I- I lost track of time," Alex mumbles. She looks genuinely distraught, looks up at Kara with deep despair in her eyes and whispers, "we didn't even put up a tree."
"It's not too late," Kara says, which for some reason doesn't feel appropriate.
"I know," Alex says, rubbing a weary hand down her face, "I know. It's just- It's Christmas. And there's Ruby and I- I'm just tired, I think."
Kara puts a light hand on her shoulder. It again doesn't feel quite appropriate, but her sister looks so fragile right now that she's afraid a hug would break her. Humans are so breakable. After a moment, she settles instead for wrapping her arm fully around her shoulder. She makes it a little heavier, but not too much, just enough to be grounding. It stands for all the words she can't manage to say right now like it's okay, we're okay, and see I'm alive, please never let me die again, and I'm here, I'm always here, I'm never leaving you.
"Can I ask you something ?" Alex probs after a moment, interrupting Kara's tired train of thoughts.
Kara hums noncommittally then, because Alex raises an exhausted eyebrow, says, "yes. Yes you can ask me a question."
"Why didn't you kill him ?" Alex asks, and then, though this question requires absolutely no clarification and they both know it, she adds, "why didn't you kill Lex ?"
Kara's whole brain comes to a halt, and she thinks she must look a little bit like a deer caught in headlights, eyes wide open and scared, because Alex quickly adds, "it's okay if you don't know. Or if you don't want to talk about it. I was just- Just wondering, that's all."
"Is it because I've killed before ? Should it be easy for me ?" Kara asks, keeping her tone deliberately neutral. She doesn't want Alex to think she's angry, because she's not. It's just a bit of a shitty question.
"No I-" Alex stutters. "That's not what I meant." She extracts herself from the side embrace, steps fully in front of Kara and takes hold of her shoulders, searching for her eyes. Kara averts her gaze to the ground, starts cataloguing the dust by size, and only answers when she feels she can do so without breaking down.
"It's one thing," she says, "to kill when it's out- when I think it's out of my control. It's another entirely to want to do it myself. When I'm not- When I-"
"When you're not yourself," Alex prompts gently.
"When I'm not myself," Kara echoes, "I feel cold. Detached. I can take a step back, or at least attempt to. I'm not saying it's easy or anything just- Just when we talk about it afterward, when you come and pick up the pieces and tell me it wasn't me, I can try to believe you. Not this time. This time I wasn't cold, or removed from myself I-" Kara forces herself to look up deep in her sister's eyes ; she wants her to understand, needs her to understand. "This time, I felt this burning warmth in my chest, white-hot rage, and if he hadn't started taunting me I would have killed him. I would have killed him willingly. No more excuses. Just me. And I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be a killer Alex. Or any more than I already am."
Alex remains silent for a long moment, but Kara isn't afraid, not really. She needs time to process and there's not much more than Kara can say anyway, or nothing that will make it better. Alex has always been there for her, she deserves honesty, even if that honesty is painful, so Kara remains calm, doesn't fidget, and waits until Alex exhales all at once and wraps her in the tightest of hugs.
"You're not a monster Kara," she whispers, "you never were."
Kara doesn't protest.
They stay on the roof for a while, just hugging, the only sound Kara allows in her ears her sister's calm heartbeat, until Alex's phone starts ringing. She takes a step back, wipes her cheeks, clears her throat, and picks up.
"Director Danvers speaking."
Kara refuses to eavesdrop, turns to the city instead and lets her eyes drift over the hundreds of thousands of lives. She can see her apartment from here, and if she pushes past the wall, can see Krypto napping in Lena's office. He's dragged the Midvale fair bunny with him and is resting his head on it ; Kara wants to go home.
Behind her, Alex hums, probably in agreement then says, "alright. Thank you for calling. I'll let her know."
Kara turns around when she hears Alex slip her phone back in her pocket, asks a silent question, but requests no answer.
"That was the hospital," Alex says nonetheless. "They couldn't get a hold of Lena so they called me. Lillian is out of surgery." She pauses, scratches her head thoughtfully then continues. "They're not quite sure what happened yet but the alien infusion Lex gave her shrunk the tumour enough that they could remove it. They had to give her a full blood transfusion and it's not going to be easy, but she'll live. Do you want to go tell Lena ? Knowing her mother's okay might help."
Kara isn't so sure of that. Neither that it'll help Lena nor that Lillian will be okay ; she did just kill her son after all. But she still nods, and lets Alex lead her off the roof and down to the med bay, hand held in hers like she's a little kid and her big sister really can protect her from everything.
In the med bay, Lena hasn't moved one inch. The only indication that time has passed at all since Kara left to take a shower are the shadows under her eyes, darker, almost abysmal. Someone's tried to make her drink. Recently ; the front of the suit she's still wearing is drenched in water, and there's rose diluted blood on the collar of her shirt. She doesn't acknowledge Kara's presence when she enters the room but the uptick of her heart lets her know she at least noticed she's here.
Alex nods towards the door and the med bay clears out in a flash, leaving Kara alone with Lena. Both Eliza and Kelly squeeze her shoulder on their way out, a silent show of support that she hopes is enough to get her through the storm. She approaches slowly, steps deliberate and quiet, and lowers herself into the armchair closest to the bed. She reaches out then hesitates, draws back, reaches out again and threads her fingers with Lena's. This is ridiculous.
"The hospital called," she says. "They, um, they called Alex. I don't know where your phone is. Lillian is out of surgery. I don't know if she authorised it beforehand or if they just went with it. I- Anyway, she's alive. They'll probably let you see her if you want to. I can take you there anytime you want."
"I don't think I-"
So focused on saying the right thing and not expecting Lena to say anything back, Kara doesn't realise at first that she's spoken. When she does, and raises her eyes from their intertwined hands to her face, she finds her looking as surprised as she herself feels. Her eyes are wide open, too shocked to be filled with tears yet though her bottom lip quivers with the premise of it. She inhales sharply through her nose, attempts and fails to settle her face in a neutral expression, and Kara is so enthralled by her, by the way she attempts to roll back her grief into herself, that she forgets to say anything helpful.
"I don't think I realised he would actually die," Lena whispers. "I wanted to kill him," she croaks, words catching in her throat as the first sobs start to break through, "but I didn't think he would die. Kara. What am I- What-" She inhales abruptly again. "What am I going to do ? I lost him so long ago but now, now he's really-"
She doesn't get to finish her sentence, doesn't get to say what she needs to say ; her body seizes in a spasm of sorrow, she gasps for air, and tears, fat and round, childlike, starts spilling from her eyes. They seem to be drawn from so deep within her, appear to be tied to a sadness so old and so heavy, that Kara knows there isn't much more she can do but climb in bed next to her, and hold her.
Once Lena has stopped crying long enough to eat something and hydrate willingly, it's time to go home ; even if home is a bit of a loose definition right now. There's no real point to staying hauled up in the DEO now that Lex is no longer in the wild and, according to Brainy's algorithm, there's no other imminent threat on the horizon ; so they climb into one of the vans the DEO seems to have an endless supply of and let themselves be driven back to the apartment. In a turn of events that is becoming increasingly familiar, they're not the first one there.
Kara steps inside, Lena in her arms, right in time to see Sam attempting to shove a pine tree, so big there's no way it'll fit inside even under their cathedral-like ceiling, through the balcony door. Eliza is in the kitchen with Patricia, cooking up a storm, and Ruby is ruffling through half a dozen boxes of decorations all neatly labelled in Kelly's handwriting. Krypto comes barrelling in from Lena's office and Kara puts her down, extremely grateful for the moment of reprieve their over excited dog is giving them. She watches for a moment as Lena buries her head in Krypto's fur and holds onto him tight enough that the dog raises his head to her and stares, pleading and contrite.
"Sorry buddy," Kara mouths before turning around under the guise of retrieving treats from the shelf next to the door but mostly because she needs to have a word with her sister. "What exactly is going on ?" she asks, keeping her tone overly cheerful.
Alex looks down at her shoes then up again with a hesitant smile. Behind Kara, Sam swears loudly.
"I think I'm gonna leave that on the balcony !" she shouts from wherever she is, in or behind the tree.
A beat passes, then Kelly shouts something back, words a little muffled by the soup she's tasting at the same time. Kara thinks it might be along the line of, "good idea babe !" but she isn't sure.
"So, what's going on ?" Kara asks again.
"It was my idea actually," Andrea Rojas, of all fucking people, says, pushing past the both of them to make her way inside. She's wearing a Christmas sweater, jeans, and sneakers ; Kara thinks she might be having a stroke.
Andrea doesn't really stop to explain herself further, simply marches into the kitchen and lifts onto the counter two enormous grocery bags. "Got what you needed from the store Mrs Danvers."
"Thank you sweetie. Would you mind cutting up some vegetables for me ?"
Andrea beams, rolls up her sleeves, and proceeds to washing her hands meticulously. Kara is definitely having a stroke.
"It was Andrea's idea," Alex confirms, "but we all agreed it'd be a good one. We- I'm not trying to get you two to move on right away, or pushing for things to be normal, or anything really I just-" Alex sighs. "It's Christmas, and I think we all deserve a bit of rest and respite, even just for now."
"It's a good idea," Kara reassures, squeezing her sister's shoulder. It's not a lie, not really. As long as everyone knows this little nugget of normalcy is temporary, everything will be alright.
Lena rises from her position on the ground, brushes a couple of dog hair off the suit she's still wearing, and smiles weakly. "I'm going to go change," she says, nodding towards the bedroom. "Come with me ?"
Kara toes her shoes off, aligns them next to the door, and follows wordlessly, missing a step when Alex attempts to wrangle the sound system into submission and accidentally starts blasting Christmas music loud enough to cover the sound of a small explosion. In the bedroom, Lena is already naked, suit and underwear discarded on the floor thoughtlessly, and Kara may know that she's in relative good shape, compared to what could have happened, knows that her head has been stitched up and her body x-rayed and she's as fine as can be, but she's still not prepared for the sight.
Lena's body is blue. And yellow. And purple. And black. Every single inch of her back is covered in bruises, the newest ones vibrant against the olds, and when she turns around, her torso is a nightmare too, her usually pale skin now closer to some kind of ugly abstract painting. She cocks her head to the side when she notices Kara staring, begins to smile then thinks better of it and schools her face.
"Lex wasn't known for his gentleness," she says, voice a little scratchy from all the crying she's done. "Don't worry, it doesn't really hurt, I just bruise easily. And I'm on a lot of painkillers."
"Don't worry ?" Kara echoes with a scoff.
"Alright, worry a little ?"
Kara doesn't dignify that with an answer. Lena is probably still in shock, and there's no point in arguing with her. Instead, she crosses the room in quick strides, and wraps her in a light hug, careful not to press her body too hard against her sensitive skin.
"I should be feeling more," Lena mumbles against her shoulder, "shouldn't I ? I feel like now that I've cried I'm just empty and numb and- I don't know. It doesn't feel right. I should be angry. Or happy that he's gone."
"Kelly would say it better than me," Kara says, gently combing her fingers through her hair, "but there's not a right way to grieve. Especially in your situation."
"Why didn't you kill him ? You had the perfect opportunity."
That question again, and even if this time Kara is prepared to answer, has a modicum of practise when it comes to this, it's still painful.
"I was going to," she says, "if he hadn't started talking and taunting me, I would have. But I- I'm glad he did, in a way. It's one thing to kill when it's my hands but not my brain, it's another when it's all of me that wants it."
Lena exhales. "Okay."
"Are you okay with that ?" Kara asks tentatively.
"I don't know," Lena admits, lifting her head from Kara's shoulder to look her in the eyes. There's something sad in her green irises, something that speaks of deep heartbreak and an absence of words to name it. "But I think I understand what you're saying."
They remain in their soft and loose embrace for a moment longer, then hop in the shower together and get dressed, Kara picking up her most atrocious sweater and Lena a tamer one, deep red with specks of cream. Dinner is served late, and Sam has to make a quick trip to a different timezone to pick up a very specific type of cream Eliza absolutely needs for her yule log. There are few presents under the tree, which's been set up on the balcony, mostly trinkets they bought in advance, before their collective lives went to shit, and books. Andrea gifts everyone extremely expensive chocolates then retreats to a corner of the living room to sulk in her eggnog.
Kara isn't really sure what compels her to leave her warm place at Lena's side and approach her. Maybe she's starting to find her more tolerable, maybe exhaustion has impaired her judgement, either way, she presses a kiss to Lena's cheek, and makes her way to Andrea. By virtue of having not thought this through at all, she doesn't know what to say when she finds herself standing in front of her, but it doesn't seem to bother Andrea ; she has no trouble doing all the talking herself.
"You don't have to thank me," she says after taking a surly sip out of her mug.
"I- Okay."
"I'm doing that for myself more than for any of you really," Andrea continues, unprompted. "I want to see Lena happy before I go."
Kara refrains from pointing out that Andrea hasn't spoken to Lena all evening and instead asks a rather useless question. "You're leaving ?"
"Yes," Andrea deadpans, "I am."
"Why ?"
Andrea arches a sharp eyebrow, but her face softens much too soon for it to have a real impact. To be fair, the sweater is not helping either.
"I want to spend Christmas with my father," she says with a smile. "And I need to be away for a while." She juts her chin towards Lena, her smile turns a little sad. "Let water flow under the bridge." She drains the rest of her eggnog, wipes her face on the sleeve of her sweater, and sighs. "Can you do me a favour ?"
"Um- Yeah ?"
"Well two," Andrea corrects with a laugh. "Don't ever let her go and," she ruffles in her pocket, extracts a slip of paper that she presents to Kara with no flourish, "when you ask her, ask her there."
Kara unfolds the piece of paper, finds a confusing set of coordinates on it but before she can ask for clarification Andrea is already walking away.
"She always said she wanted to go back there but for some reason, never did. I think a fresh start will do her good. Will do you both good," Andrea says, without looking over her shoulder. She steps out onto the balcony, a gust of wind entering the apartment in her wake. "Oh," she adds, leaning on the railing, "I've transferred all but one of my shares of L-Corp to you, you'll receive the paperwork in two days."
"Wait, what ?"
She glances down at the paper, then up again but it's too late, Andrea's already shadowed out. Sam walks up to her instead, leans against the wall next to her with a disapproving look.
"She really left without saying goodbye ? Typical Rojas. What did she even want with you ?"
Kara discreetly pockets the paper. "Nothing," she says. "She wanted nothing."
Sam purses her lips, takes a swing of her beer then asks, rather abruptly, "what's your stance on polygamy ?"
Kara laughs. "I'll get ordained," she chokes.
Lena raises her head towards her at the sound and smiles a little absentmindedly. Kara smiles too, pushes herself off the wall and makes her way to her, ignoring every other attempt to get her attention. She smoothes her hand down her thigh before she sits, trying to hide the paper in her pocket. Realistically, she knows no one can see it, but it feels searing to her, like a brand. Lena buries against her side immediately, shivers, and smiles sadly. Kara closes her eyes. They've walked so many miles already, jumped other canyons and burrowed under mountains to get to where they are now and yet, the road ahead appears just as long as the one behind.