"I don't know what I'm doing here," Kara said, clinging to the blanket wrapped around her shoulders as she stared out the window of her apartment. She let her eyes wander back and forth, taking in the skyline she missed so desperately. It looked exactly as it had before the Phantom Zone, but it felt so different.
"What do you mean?" asked Kelly, who was sitting at Kara's kitchen island, glancing at the mug of tea that Kara had abandoned there.
"I know this is real. I know where I am. But I've been so many places and I never seem to be able to stay. I don't remember what this place is supposed to feel like. I don't know what I'm supposed to do after the - after …" Kara trailed off, her voice breaking as she wrapped herself tighter in her blanket.
Ever since she made it back to Earth, Kara had felt like she was going to float away at any minute. She craved the pressure of a blanket wrapped around her, of someone's arms, of anything that made her feel like she wasn't going to be ripped away again. She was almost relieved that her powers showed no signs of returning any time soon, because the thought of flying, of letting her feet leave the ground, was terrifying.
Kara had been able to leave the medbay in the Tower two days prior, under strict orders that she wasn't to be left alone. Kelly gave her the first day to get reacquainted with being in her apartment, and to let Alex be alone with her sister, but today was the first day of her sessions with Kara. To Alex's chagrin, Kelly convinced her to let her do these sessions with Kara one on one, so Alex and Eliza were waiting at the Noonan's next to Kara's building, pretending to make casual conversation while staring at their phones in case Kara needed them.
They'd been talking in Kara's apartment for almost an hour, Kara trying to get away with just exchanging fake pleasantries and trying to convince Kelly that she's okay. Kelly was impossibly patient, asking simple, open questions and letting Kara answer in her own way at her own pace. They were eventually going to have to get into the details of Kara's time in the Phantom Zone, but Kara wasn't ready. Kara, who usually loved being around Kelly, couldn't even make eye contact with her for longer than half a second, scared that she'd break down if anyone saw how scared she was. Kelly knew better than to push harder than absolutely necessary. This would be a slow and likely painful process, but rushing it was out of the question. Kelly let Kara maintain her space and spoke gently and quietly. She had loved Kara even before she had started dating Alex, and seeing Kara like this broke her heart. She didn't know how she was going to be the strong and objective therapist Kara needed, but she was determined to do it for the woman she thought of as her little sister.
"Kara, you've been through something extremely traumatic," Kelly said. "Nobody can expect you to feel like everything's back to normal just because you're home now. I know it's hard, but things are going to feel different now. You're different now. That's okay."
"I'm different now," Kara whispered. "What am I supposed to do?"
Kelly gave Kara an empathetic frown. "You lean into it," she said. "There's no right or wrong way to be feeling, but you have to let yourself feel it. You have to try and let yourself talk about it."
Kara took a deep breath and turned to face Kelly slowly, her eyes still darting around to avoid locking on Kelly's. Kara walked slowly to the kitchen island and sat down, staring into her tea as her shaking hands clung to the mug. On a normal day, the mug would crumble under the pressure of her hands, but today wasn't normal. Maybe there was no more normal.
"When I was in the Phantom Zone, all I wanted to do was get back home," Kara said after a few moments of silence. "It looks the same, I know Alex was keeping it clean for me. I keep trying to remember all the times I felt safe and happy here, but I just keep remembering the visions I had in the Phantom Zone of my friends, of everyone I love getting hurt. Here, at the Tower, on the streets of National City. I haven't even been to CatCo yet, but it's the same. I can't shake the feeling that everything that used to be safe isn't anymore. You're not safe, Alex isn't safe, I'm .. I'm not … it's not safe… it's not, it's -" Kara felt her heart thumping in her chest as she started struggling to control her breathing. Her head felt heavy, and her ears started to ring. Kara's vision started going black, and she held onto the island for dear life.
Kelly saw the rising panic attack and crossed over to Kara, wrapping her up in the tightest hug she could manage. They stood there like that for what felt like an eternity and yet somehow not long enough. Kara's breathing eventually evened out, and she clung to Kelly's arm, not ready to lose the contact. "It's okay," Kelly said. "You're okay. I'm right here."
Kara nodded as a tear fell onto the granite countertop in front of her. She took a shaky breath and let go of Kelly, who shifted to sit on the stool next to Kara, keeping a hand on Kara's shoulder the whole time. She knew that Kara needed to let her feelings out, but she also needed grounding. Kara needed to feel like the world wasn't going to crash down in front of her yet again, and Kelly's calming and steadfast presence was helping more than Kara could have imagined.
Kara took another deep breath and continued. "Everything that's happened to me before … Krypton exploding, losing my family, learning to live with these powers, Astra, all the times I've been hurt or almost lost someone else, everything with… with Lena, I never really stopped to feel it. And in the Phantom Zone, I just kept reliving it all over and over again, each time with worse and worse results. I'm not even sure I know how those stories ended anymore. And I feel them so much deeper, so much worse than I ever did. I can't stop thinking about them. About what's going to happen next. How am I supposed to live the life I had before?"
"Kara, I don't think you can. I think, with work, and with time, you can get back to feeling safe here, but what happened isn't going to go away. We have to help you live with it. And we can remind you when you don't feel like you're remembering things clearly. I can, all of us can, help you learn to ground yourself when you feel like you're spiraling. Everything is going to be okay again, but you can't force it," Kelly said, never letting go of Kara's arm.
"The only way out is through," Kara whispered. "What's that?" Kelly asked. "Something Alex always says. I can't get out of this until I go through it." Kelly gave her a half smile, both sad and hopeful. "She's right about that one. We're going to get you through this. All of us. Together." Kara looked up at Kelly, her eyes swimming with sadness and fear, but Kelly could have sworn she saw the corners of her mouth twitch ever so slightly into a smile. "I think that's enough for today," Kelly said. "I want to thank you for telling me those things. I know it wasn't easy." Kara looked down, nodding. She rubbed her eyes with one hand, stopping to pinch the bridge of her nose between her thumb and her middle finger, hiding her eyes. "Are you … are you gonna go home?" she asked, scared to ask Kelly to stay.
Kelly rubbed Kara's back lightly. "Not if you don't want me to," she reassured. "How about we call Alex and Eliza back up and watch a movie?" Kara nodded, appreciative that Kelly could anticipate what she needed without her having to ask. Kara and Kelly curled up on the couch and waited until Alex and Eliza showed up with dinner. They turned on the Wizard of Oz, and as Kara watched half-heartedly and moved the food around on her plate, Alex met Kelly's eyes from across the room. Alex arched one of her eyebrows, silently asking her girlfriend for an update. "She'll get there," Kelly mouthed. They weren't out of the woods yet, but Kara's willingness to try and talk made Kelly feel like there was hope that they'd get their hero back, one step at a time.