Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
Alex saw disaster approaching from a mile away. And even from her seat near the porch railing, she was apparently in better view of Cat - or maybe just momentarily more perceptive - than her sister was. She recognised the tell-tale signs of a fright-or-flight response rapidly gaining momentum. The flitting glances, the frown, the slight widening of eyes and mouth. If she thought there was any chance of stopping what was about to happen she'd have made a run for it - but Kara's hand was already moving. And Cat had seen it, her grasp tightening on her sister's shoulder, her gentle swaying coming to a sudden stop.
Cat felt the hand move from the small of her back. Slowly as if to not arouse suspicion. And it all clicked into place. Suddenly she knew.
And she had to stop it.
"Don't move that hand." Cat hissed quietly, shocking Kara and halting her in her movement.
"Cat," Kara chuckled, not yet quite understanding that the mood was changing. "Let me-"
"No," Kara hesitated at the urgently whispered interruption and glanced back at the woman in her arms. "Please don't do this, Kara."
"Cat, I…"
" Please -" Cat threw in before Kara could finish her sentence- "do not make me do this!"
"I thought…I didn't…" Kara stuttered confused, unable to form a coherent thought.
"I cannot say yes," Cat pressed on. "And I don't want to say no."
"I don't understand?"
"I thought you knew," Cat pleaded while slowly letting go of Kara, her eyes flicking to the patio doors.
She hesitated, unwilling to run like a coward, but she felt her chest tightening with the weight of all eyes on them. Kara's crestfallen confused gaze on her, the way her head slowly tilted the way it did when the wheels in her head were turning. It was too much. She couldn't do this. She felt faint.
Without realising what she was doing, Cat let go of Kara's hand and moved past her, past Carter and past a shocked Alex, through the doors and all the way upstairs to their shared room. Before she knew what was happening she was leaning against the closed door and taking heaving breaths, desperately trying to keep the room from spinning.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Cat fought the urge to hit her head against the window pane. There was no way Kara wouldn't hear it and she'd come running no matter what had just transpired outside.
She watched Kara make her way towards the water, Alex following close behind, and kept asking herself where the fuck she had messed this up. She thought she had been so clear all this time talking about how marriage as an institution had just failed her. Had failed women in general. How it was a means for men to control and subjugate women. To acquire legal ownership of women. She thought it was obvious that she didn't want to marry again. That she was committed without some stupid paper.
Too committed, she realised. Or too open about her commitment? The harder she thought about it the worse the migraine starting behind her eyes was getting. She had been open about her disdain of marriage in general. But she had also been very open and quite clear about her feelings for Kara. About the way the girl transformed her into a stupid romcom cliché. About Kara making everything worth it in the end. About spending the rest of her life with her.
She had been very vocal about intending to spend the rest of her days with Kara.
And if that girl was good at something, then it was shoving down everything bad and latching on to the good.
And latched on she had.
The careful opening of the door interrupted her thoughts and when she turned around Carter was quietly closing the door and leaning against it.
"Are you okay, mom?"
"I'm sorry, Carter, I'm…" she took a deep breath not wanting to lie to her son. "I will be. I think."
She grimaced when he glanced at her open suitcase on the bed, a few of her clothes thrown inside without much care.
"Are we leaving?" He frowned. Of course, he would not approve of her running. She'd taught him to never run from a conflict without reason.
"I don't think I should stay." She simply argued.
"I'm sorry, mom," Carter sighed heavily, his eyes on the floor between them.
He had known. Of course, he had known. Kara had probably goaded him into the plans she had been making. And bless her sweet son, Kara had probably gotten him all excited. How could he have known?
"You didn't know. You couldn't have." Cat reached out to him and he quickly moved to hug his mom tightly. "I should have known better. I should have seen this coming."
"We were really sneaky," he argued and shrugged.
"Yes, you were." She smiled against his locks. "You don't have to leave, Carter."
She slightly leaned away from him so she could see his face.
"I know how much you like it here and how much you love Kara and her family. You can stay with them and return with Kara," She assured him as she gently put a stray lock behind his ear. "You made plans and I don't want to mess those up and maybe…" she swallowed glancing towards the window, "…maybe Kara would like it if you stayed."
"I don't want you to be alone, mom." Carter hugged her closer again.
"I'll be fine, Carter."
"I know," he nodded against her. "But I still want to be with you."
"Okay then."
Dinner was awkward.
Kara had not come back from the beach. At some point Alex had staggered in, clearly not entirely sober, just filled two plates and left again. That left Cat and Carter alone with Eliza.
And it was terribly quiet. Cat lost in thought and worry, Carter awkwardly glancing between the adults and Eliza trying to decide if she should say anything. In the end she decided it wasn't her place and just smiled at Carter.
When Kara finally did show up again, Cat and Carter were ready to go. The suitcases already in the trunk after they had said their goodbyes to Eliza, Cat was about to step into her car when she noticed Kara hovering on the front porch.
"I didn't want you to leave without saying goodbye." She shrugged and with the light coming from behind her, Cat was unable to see her face.
"Kara…"
"I'm sorry." Kara quickly added before Cat could continue. "I didn't think. Or I thought too much. Or I thought all the wrong things. And I should have paid better attention. You keep saying you don't want this and I was stupid and thought I knew better, but…"
"Kara," Cat interrupted her rambling. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Take the days we had planned here anyway and then…I would like it if you came home, but I understand if-"
"I'll be there," Kara hastily replied. "I'll see you on Sunday evening and maybe…"
She sounded so hopeful it broke Cat's heart. There was no maybe. "We can talk then, but Kara-" Cat stopped to make sure the girl was looking at her, hoping she wouldn't hate her, "please don't bring the box."
Kara swallowed hard but nodded. It was a clear 'no' to a question she never even got to ask. It was a blow even after having spent hours dealing with it. But she could do it. For Cat. For Carter. For their little family.
The drive back to National City was quiet. Too quiet.
Carter had quickly fallen asleep, despite his claims of not wanting his mom to be alone, leaving her alone to her thoughts after all. And Cat wasn't sure if she preferred sitting in her hurt with her son silently sleeping beside her, or if she'd rather have his chatter distract her from the day's events.
In the end, she couldn't bring herself to wake him, so she turned the volume of the music slightly down and spent the long drive agonizing over whether she'd finally managed to push Kara away and how to fix this giant thing between them.
"Is it the money?" Alex blurted as she walked into Cat's office.
"Oh please, don't insult me," Cat hissed. "We both know Kara would sign a prenup signing away anything of value ten generations down if I asked her to. And I would marry her with paper rings if it came down to it."
"Is it the status then? The secrecy?"
"I'd never have gone public if any of those were the case. And being with me is not a stipulation for keeping her secrets. Super or not." As much as Cat loathed explaining herself to anyone, or having anyone question her motives like that, especially when it came to Kara, she recognised a protective sister and her need to be assured of Kara's emotional well-being. If only she could give Alex something that actually would reassure her. "It's not something I can easily explain, Alex. I thought Kara understood."
"Oh, she understands," Alex bit the inside of her lip, her gaze never wavering from the woman her sister loved so much. "She told me it was personal and not hers to share."
"I don't have a great track record. None of my marriages made it through the first year - even the ones I thought were forever. If it's of any comfort to you none of this changes my commitment to Kara." Cat was relieved that Kara seemed to understand but she desperately wished she could explain to Alex why she couldn't marry her sister. "I want to be with her. If I could just skip the whole newlywed, failing to adjust to each others' expectations phase and just be happily in the marriage, I'd do it instantly. Because she's worth it and if I can imagine happily ever after-" Cat rolled her eyes as if the notion itself was ridiculous- "with anyone, it's Kara!"
"I thought so, but I wanted to make sure." Alex nodded relieved. "You two really need to talk, because right now Kara thinks she may be losing you!" Tilting her head and squatting her eyes at Cat, Alex quickly added, "Personally, I think she couldn't be more wrong!"
Cat nodded silently and after a few moments of silence Alex thought Cat had gone back to working. She was about to turn around and leave when Cat looked back up at her.
"She is coming home, isn't she?"
"Of course she is, Cat," Alex reassured her, then realised that her showing up here may have caused the older woman to worry. "I'm just being overprotective."
"Okay."
"Okay then," Alex smiled awkwardly and turned to really leave. "Oh and-" she stopped when she was almost out the door- "Kara asked me to stop by and check on you, because you'd be in the office working on a Sunday."
It was late when Kara finally did show up. Late enough that Carter was on his way to bed, but just early enough, that he could see her and say goodnight.
"Hey Kara," Carter's voice carried through the penthouse, "I'm glad you're home."
"Me too, buddy. Goodnight." Cat smiled at the easy exchange between her two favourite people. Even from her position on the balcony she could clearly sense the bond between them. "I'll see you in the morning."
Kara had tried to put this talk off as long as possible, knowing that it could epically backfire and that her whole plan of making this as easy as possible had been a colossal fuckup.
She found Cat on the balcony with a glass of scotch and briefly wondered if Cat had even heard her come in. Or if it was her first glass. If Cat was as apprehensive about this talk as Kara herself, it probably wasn't.
Without saying anything Kara sat down on one of the loungers and waited for Cat to acknowledge her. She had been free to choose when to show up, it was only fair to let Cat choose when to start talking. And it turned out she didn't have to wait long. After only a few moments, Cat swirled the ice in her tumbler and let out a deep sigh before turning towards the younger woman.
She hesitated, something Kara had rarely seen her do and a clear sign that she was nervous. But she tapped two of her fingers against the glass as if to spur herself into action and finally pushed from the railing towards Kara., surprising her when she took a seat right next to her, putting her tumbler down and reaching for one of Kara's hands.
"Before you say anything," Cat started looking at their joined hands, her thumb gently running over Kara's knuckles, "I need to apologise for the way I reacted."
"Cat no…" Kara tried to stop Cat's apology but was halted by a squeeze of Cat's hand.
"I need to say this, Kara. You are amazing, extraordinary. Despite me encouraging you to do so, you never willingly ask for anything. Not for yourself anyway. But the moment you dare and ask I don't let you." Kara opened her mouth, but Cat didn't let her interrupt again. "No, let me say this. I need to apologise and you need to let me. I know I try to give you everything I can possibly think you deserve and sometimes I fall short, and I know that's okay as long as I try. But this time I didn't even try. The moment I realised what you were going to ask, I thought of nothing but myself and I bolted and that wasn't fair to you or to us."
Cat stopped and let her gaze wander beyond the balcony, seemingly lost in thought and Kara waited for her to continue.
"The truth is it's never been about marriage for me. I have no positive views of marriage, my parents' was strained and I'm pretty sure my mother was just in it for the image and my father, well, I don't know if he really loved my mother, if he stayed for me or if divorced just didn't align with his values." Cat swallowed the clump of emotion welling up in her throat before she continued, "I tried getting that sense of belonging and acceptance, of being a family, I tried that four times. You know better than anyone that I'm not easy to be with, and for a long time I thought getting married would make people stay. But marriage…in the past, it hasn't been in my favour and I think maybe being married instead of just being with someone changed me . Maybe I put too much pressure on myself, my partner, the whole relationship - I don't know what exactly it was, but none of my marriages fared well during the first year and I'm pretty certain it was the actual getting married that ruined it."
"But did you ever consider that you didn't change?" Kara couldn't help herself but ask, suddenly not caring if Cat was finished. "Maybe it was your partner's expectation that with marriage you would suddenly turn into this other being? Some stay-at-home mom or trophy wife?"
They didn't really want you. echoed in Cat's mind, despite knowing that that was not how Kara meant it. "Frankly, I got tired of thinking about it, of asking myself where I had failed, and just accepted that it just wasn't for me. It wasn't necessarily something that I needed. I was enough. Carter and I, we were enough. I didn't really miss anything. I mean, until you showed up and…yet, that didn't change me ."
Kara waited a second to make sure Cat was finished before speaking as well. "First off all, Cat, I love you and I wish I could say this changes nothing, but…" Kara swallowed and for a moment Cat was afraid that she had ruined everything after all. "But things have changed between us and we have to deal with that. I have to deal with that. But what I mean to say is…" Kara trailed off as if to gather her thoughts into something that made some sense to herself and to Cat. "The truth is, I had not considered proposing. I knew marriage wasn't…isn't…I never even thought about it. But then this thing happened and suddenly it's like all I could see were those little things you said or did. All of a sudden I was so keenly aware of us and how well we fit and how comfortable you were in this and how you weren't holding anything back. And I started to consider things I had known better all along. And I am so sorry, Cat. I know you or I thought I did and then I went and did this stupid thing just because of something my mother did and I know it's inexcusable because I made this whole mess…"
"Kara," Cat interrupted what had slowly transformed into a full blown ramble, "it happens to the best of us. You don't think I ever made a reckless decision because of something my mother said to me?"
Kara grimaced at that because she had experienced first hand some of the stupid decision Cat had made out of anger or frustration at something her mother had let casually slip.
"The important thing is, was that something you wanted? Even before your mother said it?"
"I didn't. Not consciously, I don't want to or I don't care either way. It just never occurred to me, because it was off the table even before we were on the table." Cat had to suppress a grin at the furious blush quickly covering Kara, because damn, they had been on the table. A lot. "In here-" Kara laid her free hand over her heart-, "you belong to me. There was never any question. I've known you in here longer than I was ready to admit. You have been a part of me for so long, I didn't need anything else. I don't need a piece of paper to prove that you're my family."
"Oh Kara," Cat sighed, half relieved, half heartbroken at everything Kara was saying. She wondered what Kara's mother could possibly have said to rattle the young woman so much that suddenly what they had had not seemed like enough anymore. "What exactly did your mother say to you?"
Kara squirmed a moment, eyes glaring down at their hands, gathering the courage to speak.
"I thought I'd be telling you this under different circumstances," Kara started nervously fidgeting, "and I swear I didn't know before. I mean not until my mother asked and then I didn't know what to think, but you kept saying those things and I thought maybe you had changed your mind and this seemed like the best way to approach this and I see now that it was stupid and I should have talked to you, but…"
"Kara," Cat interjected, sensing Kara wouldn't stop rambling anytime soon. "What did your mother say?"
Kara bit her lower lip and avoided Cat's eyes. "Well, she asked howmarriedlifewastreatingmeandifthebondhadformed." Everything came out in one big rush and all Cat could make out was the word bond.
"The bond?"
"It's not there," Kara admitted although Cat still didn't have any idea what she was talking about, "yet," was added hesitantly, with a hint of hope.
"What bond, Kara?"
"I didn't know about it, I swear. I thought the ceremony was all there was to it, but that's just the official side. Apparently it's not strictly necessary though?"
"Kara," Cat's tone held a clear warning, "What exactly are you saying here?"
"We've been married for a year."
"Excuse me?" Cat squeaked, "I think I would remember exchanging vows with you."
"Under Kryptonian law-" Kara explained- "we've been married for a year."
"I think I'd know if I had married you, Kara." Cat's tone clearly expressed her displeasure at where this conversation was going.
"I swear, I'm not making this up." The crinkle and the deeply apologetic and insecure look on Kara's face convinced Cat that the younger woman was trying to tell her the truth. Or what she thought was the truth. Cat was still not convinced.
"How did this happen?"
"It's not customary to drag it out the way we did, but it seems the ceremony was concluded when you declared your intentions and commitment in the presence of my mother."
"The only time I have spoken to your mother was last May." Cat remembered.
"When apparently you told her that you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of your life with me." The way she pressed her lips together told Cat that Kara was trying really hard not to smile.
"Okay, let's rewind this a little." Cat stood up and paced in front of the couch. "What exactly does this Kryptonian wedding ceremony entail?"
"Bonding ceremony." Kara corrected.
"Details." Cat snickered and dismissed the comment with a finger, clearly expecting an explanation. And now.
"The partners declare their intention to each others' families and openly accept their partner as their family and into their house," Kara explained and Cat thought back to the day Kara had stood up to her mother when Katherine had walked into their quiet Saturday afternoon with Carter and demanded that Cat end this public charade once and for all. Kara had flushed with anger and exploded in the older Grant's face when she insinuated that Kara's age made her a more suitable partner for Carter than for Cat. Cat had sent Carter - shock in his wide eyes - to his room and grasped Kara's hand to keep her from getting too close to Katherine. You need to leave our home. Right now. The threat in Kara's gravel voice had been unmistakable and Cat's mother had huffed indignantly but been wise enough to storm off.
"I see," Cat murmured more to herself than to Kara. They had definitely declared their intention very clearly. Both of them.
"And the partners share a dwelling." Well, that had happened long before that incident.
"That's it?"
"It's pretty straightforward," Kara shrugged. "The ceremony involves some actual bonding with a ceremonial ribbon, but apparently that's just symbolic for the bonding."
"And your mother asked if this bond had already formed?" Kara only nodded, waiting for the question she knew was to come. "So this bond is supposed to form after the bondage ceremony?"
"I don't know if it will happen for us. It may not."
"Because I'm human." Cat stated matter-of-factly.
"Yes, but it could also mean it will be one sided. That I will feel it but you won't."
"It sounds like something positive, so I hope it'll happen for us." Cat assured her. "And I don't ever want things to be one-sided for you, Kara. I may not need the bond to know that I love you with all my heart, but it's something from your culture, your home, and if there is any chance you can have it, then that's something I want for you."
"You mean that?" Kara still sounded insecure, as if she thought Cat could still bolt at any moment.
"Of course, I do. And you were right, I am committed and the way I acted must have been confusing to you. Hell, it was confusing to me." Cat sighed half in defeat of herself. "Kara, darling, I want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, there's no question about that. And I spent the first months half out of my mind with fear that I would ruin this and lose you. The only reason I did not want to marry you was exactly that - my fear of losing you. I'm not good at this, you know that. You make so many concessions to make this relationship work - and don't say it, I know I try as well - and I was scared that once this would become legal it would become blatantly clear I couldn't be enough for you."
"You've always been more than enough for me. I may not have seen it at first, but from the moment I first saw you, there was ever only you."
"You're saying I'm too much for you?" Cat couldn't help but smirk.
"Never," Kara breathed, "Only ever the right amount of overwhelming."
"So I've been your ball and chain for over a year and didn't know?" Cat smirked.
"No," Kara recoiled as if the words physically attacked her, "You've been my anchor and my home!"
"It was a joke, darling."
"It wasn't funny," Kara pouted.
"So," Cat started again after a few seconds, "your brilliant plan was to propose and then what? Tell me if I say yes? Or wait until after the wedding ceremony to tell me that we already were married?"
"Well, uhm," Kara fumbled for words, clearly caught, "I was going to tell you once you said yes. That was the plan more or less."
Kara went silent then and Cat didn't push sensing that there was more to come.
"Cat, this…" Kara gestured between them, "you're not bound to this, you know that right? Not by any human law at least. You can leave whenever you want. I mean, you can't ever marry another Kryptonian."
"Shame," Cat shrugged nonchalantly, "I've always had a thing for Clark."
"You did not." Kara stared at her mouth agape.
"I did actually," Cat chuckled at Kara's comical reaction, "way back, but I think it may just have been because Lois was interested. And Kara," Cat waited until she had Kara's full attention, "I am bound to this. I have been since long before we apparently married by accident. I'm not going to simply up and leave just because I can."
"Good," Kara breathed trying not to choke on the emotions Cat's admission provoked in her. "On the plus side, we don't need a big ceremony."
"We could still have one though," Cat argued, "Make it official on Earth as well."
"Cat?"
"The media would go bonkers," Kara giggled at the word Cat had clearly used to amuse her, "It would be good for sales."
Kara gave Cat a blinding smile. Of course she would feel the need to hide her own desires and needs behind something logical, something that deflected from herself. But Kara knew her. Kara understood that now that Cat was no longer afraid of losing her, she could allow herself to want something she thought she couldn't have.
"I love you," Kara simply said in response knowing that Cat would understand everything she didn't say.
"I love you, too." There was no hesitation on Cat's response or in the way she leaned into Kara to finally put their lips together into an all too familiar kiss.
They were fine. They always had been.
It had been a few emotionally tolling days for both of them. But they had talked until the candles had burned down and they belated realised they were cast in darkness. It was Cat's yawn that made them realise how late it had actually gotten. And with all the facts and all their feelings out in the open, they had decided to just crawl into bed and deal with everything else later. There was no way to make it undone anyway, so the only thing they could do was look and move forward. And they had all the time in the world for that.
And yet, Kara couldn't sleep. Head on the pillow she had turned towards Cat when her breathing had started to even out. The urge to reach out and touch her wouldn't leave her alone, but not wanting to wake her, Kara had refrained and had instead spent what felt like ages, just looking at the rise and fall of Cat's chest, the relaxing over her features as sleep overcame her, the gentle shadows the moonlight cast over her face, the small scrunch of her nose when the slight breeze from the open window would move a strand of her over her face and tickle her.
Kara zoned in of the sound of Cat's breathing and her heartbeat and tried to let it lull her to sleep. She couldn't remember the last time Cat's quiet noises could not calm and ground her like this. The infinitesimal smacking of her lips when she parted them in her sleep, that ever so tiny gaspy hum she emitted whenever Kara touched her, the ruffle of her pillow when a dream caused her to frown - a sound that only Kara could ever hear. All the quiet sounds that belonged to them and only them.
Kara felt her own lips starting to curl at the corner with a content smile.
And then it occurred to her that the bond HAD formed. Because it was there. The lack of doubt. The secure knowledge that they belonged to each other, would be part of each other. They were a family unit no matter what anyone else said or thought or wanted proof of.
Kara couldn't remember a single moment in the last year when she had even had the slightest bit of doubt of Cat's devotion or commitment.
She thought it would be something big, some sudden change that she would feel intensely. But it was there, all this time. The quiet and peace. The absence of needing to search for something, missing something.
Cat was her home and her peace.
At Kara's small gasp, Cat was pulled from the edge of sleep and without opening her eyes her hand found Kara's arm and gently squeezed it.
"What is it?" She mumbled into the dark of their bedroom.
"I just had a revelation," Kara reverently whispered back, her breath hitting Cat's shoulder and causing goosebumps.
"Another one?" Cat was too tired to actually chuckle, but it was there in her tone and Kara had to grin.
Kara moved her hand to intertwine their fingers and squeeze Cat's hand when she quietly explained her late night musings. Somewhere between Kara's lack of doubt and Cat being her home and peace, the older woman had opened her eyes and turned her head towards her wife with a smirk.
"It's so typical that (you) Kryptonians would have a special word for something that is *supposed* to be there in a healthy and secure relationship." Cat rolled her eyes.
"So you felt it too?"
"Kara, darling," Cat rolled into her side to have a better look at Kara, her hand gently sliding along the younger woman's jaw, fingers settling into the soft hair at the nape. "I have never had any doubt about your commitment. So many people wanted to work for me or be with me to use me as a ladder, but you…" Cat took a deep breath face visibly softening with memories, "you have always genuinely cared. The moment you just sat back down at your desk and continued to work when I fired you the first time, I knew I was screwed."
"You didn't really fire me," Kara giggled, "I was conveniently there for you to vent your frustration."
"But you saw that, Kara. Don't you see? Anyone else would have run scared, intimated or thinking it wasn't worth it. Many people have - in my professional and private life. But you stayed because you saw me and you thought I was worth it. And you've been navigating through my bullshit ever since, oh don't give me that look, I know perfectly well when I'm being a royal bitch to people around me."
"I just always understood that part of my job - making your life easier - was to shoulder your anger when you couldn't let it out and the person who really deserved it. It was much safer for all of us if you insulted my clothes or my hair than telling POTUS you'd cut off his ..., you know, if he dared wink at you one more time. I get it, the power you hold, the influence you have? It means being very selective over where, when and how you can let your emotions show."
"You can say dick, darling, we are all mature adults here."
"Hmmm, yes, very mature, indeed." Kara said cockily as her hand slid up from Cat's hand up her waist to cup a breast.
"Kara?" Cat gasped as pulled her closer so she could reach her with her mouth.
"Hmmm?" Not even caring to look up, the younger woman moved her lips along soft skin, leaving goosebumps and shivers in their wake.
"We never had a honeymoon." Cat's voice was getting decidedly rougher and Kara smirked with glee.
"Oh well," Kara replied against the tender skin of Cat's neck, "we'll have to rectify that."