EOIN COLFER

Artemis Fowl, Book the first

Although she was enjoying the night air, Holly could taste traces of pollutants. The Mud People destroyed everything they came into contact with. Of course they didn't live in the mud anymore. Not in this country at least. Oh no. Big fancy dwellings with rooms for everything--rooms for sleeping, rooms for eating, even a room to go to the toilet! Indoors! Holly shuddered. Imagine going to the toilet inside your own house. Disgusting! The only good thing about going to the toilet was the minerals being returned to the earth, but the Mud People had even managed to botch that up by treating the...stuff...with bottles of blue chemicals. If anyone had told her a hundred years ago that humans would be taking the fertile out of fertilizer, she would have told them to get some air holes drilled into their skull. 50pg

"Well he's only twelve years old. And that's young, even for a human."
Root snorted, jacking a new battery out of his tribarreled blaster. "Too much damned TV. Thinks he's Sherlock Holmes."
"That's Professor Moriarty," corrected Foaly.
"Holmes, Moriarty, they both look the same with the flesh scorched of their skulls." 126pg

But Trouble had done a sound recognition in-service for his captain's exam and he was pretty sure the "Arrkk" had been caused by someone getting a chop across the windpipe. More than likely his brother had walked into a shrub. 133pg

Foaly unhooked what appeared to be a false bottom from the equipment rack.
"You're not serious! What does that do?"
"Nothing," admitted the centaur. "But it gets a great laugh at parties."150pg

The dwarf swallowed drily. Wasn't it just typical of the brotherhood? What do dwarfs hate? Fire. Who are the only creatures with the ability to conjure fireballs? Goblins. So who did the dwarfs pick a fight with? A real no-brainer. 165pg.

"Foaly, you there?' whispered the dwarf.
"No."The typical sarcastic reply. "I have much better things to do than worry about the collapse of civilization as we know it."
"Yes, thank you. Don't let my life being in danger interrupt your merriment." 179pg

"Juliet?"
"Receiving."
"Where are you right now?"
"In the kitchen. Wrecking my nails on this grater."
"Leave it, Juliet. Check on the prisoner."
"But, Artemis, the carrots will dry out!" 186pg

"Has anyone else been here? Anyone like me?"
Juliet chewed her lip. "There was one little man. In a uniform like yours. Not cute though. Not one bit. Just shouted and smoked a smelly cigar. Terrible complexion. Red as a tomato."
Holly almost smiled. Root had come himself. No doubt the negotiation had been disastrous. "No one else?"
"Not that I know of. If you see that man again, tell him to lay off the red meat. He's just a coronary waiting to happen."191pg

"There's more than one kind of hunger," Argon noted.
"Very true. Hunger to succeed. Hunger to dominate. Hunger to--"
Root snapped. "Get out! Get out before I strangle the pair of you. And if I ever hear a word of this repeated on an afternoon talk show, I'll know where it came from." 205pg

"If you're a good boy, I'll buy you a lollipop when I come back."
And when Holly was long gone, soaring beneath the hallway's ancient oak beams, Artemis said, "I don't like lollipops." 216pg

"Nooo! You big bully," she protested, hammering his back with her tiny fists. "Not now. Hogman! Hogmaaaaan!"
Butler ignored the objections, settling into a loping run. Who the hell was this Hogman person? One of her boyfriends, no doubt. He was going to keep closer tabs on callers to the lodge in the future.
"Butler? Pick up." It was Artemis, on the handheld. Butler jiggled his sister up on a foot so he could reach his belt. "Lollipops!" barked his employer.
"Say again. I thought you said--"
"Eh...I mean get out of there. Take cover! Take cover!"220pg

WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU

Gary: So, did you steal his heart?
Holly: No. Better. I stole his phone.
Gary: Holly, how could you?
Holly: What? It'll be a cute story to tell our grandchildren.

Rick: I just saw a bird.

Holly: Okay, I'll get you your coffee, cancel your calls, grab your lunch, and hack into Lauren's computer.
Val (gives her a skeptical look): ...
Holly: Fine. I'll just cut the brakes on her car.

Vince: ...when Tina and I...
Holly: Had sex? Go ahead. Say it.
Vince: Had sex!
Holly: Great! Now everyone in Mexico knows!

Val: How was the party? By that I mean those aren't your pants.

Gary: I don't feel like the third wheel. I just think that the second wheel sucks.

Holly: Henry, Vince, Henry, Vince. Ahhh! Help me.
Val: Look. You're just going through a...a thing!
Holly: A thing?!
Val: Okay, you can't keep stringing Henry along if you're having these feelings for Vince.
Henry (walks in): WHAT??

Jeff (puts a tile on the Scrabble board): Me.
Val: 'Me'??
Jeff: Yeah. Me. Look it up in the dictionary. It means 'Jeff.'

Vince: Hey Val, this piece fell out and got separated from its group.
Val (looks at instructions): I don't see it. It's not there. Oh no, how could this be? (Runs off to the porch)
Vince (to Holly): It's a spare bolt from my bicycle seat. How long do you think it'll be until her head explodes?

Lauren: Trust me, I've had more than a few guys give me the old, 'Hey you.'
Val: Did it ever occur to you that maybe they just forgot your name?

Gary: Jeff? Either you're missing a lobster, or that's one freaky cockroach.

Val: An emergency? Thank god!

Lauren: How come when you drink you get a husband and when I drink I just get puffy?

Holly: I'm busy. I'm writing a list of Gary's friends to invite to his birthday party.
Tina: How hard is it to just write 'Holly'?

Gary: Don't worry, you can trust me. And who's Tina gonna tell? She ain't got no friends.

Vince: So am I still a doodoo?

REBA

Reba: Look what book I bought you, Barbra-Jean.
Barbra-Jean (reads from cover): Getting Rid of the Unwanted.
Reba: I saw it and thought of you.

Barbra-Jean: Oh, Reba. We should have play-dates more often.
Reba: That wasn't a play-date. I was hiding behind that tree when you found me.

Jake: Mom, running isn't fun. It's what you do to get away from girls.

Reba (gesturing at Jake's bucket): Oh, honey. You can't bring any more toys.
Jake: It's not a toy. It's for when I puke.

Reba: Oh, Barbra-Jean. You'll never feel lonely. There's always the voices in your head.

Barbra-Jean: Oh you're so wise. I'm gonna draw you as an owl. With Fabio behind you.

Cheyenne: Mom, hide. Barbra-Jean's coming over.
Reba: I'm not hiding in my own house!
Cheyenne: She got a job selling insurance.
Reba (plunges under kitchen table): Ahh! Lock the doors, dig a hole!

Barbra-Jean: In the end, she always saves me. She's like my redheaded guardian angel with a really mean sense of humor.

Reba: Jake, give me that gameboy, you're going to church.
Jake: But I need it, mom. It's for the ceremony of the gameboys.
Reba: Right. Leave it in the car.
Jake: Fine. But I'll play it in my head.

Reba: But one of you is off her rocker!
Barbra-Jean: Oh I know she thinks it's me.
Reba: Of course it's you! It's always you! No sane woman has four hundred beanie babies!
Barbra-Jean: Four hundred and twelve! And that doesn't make me crazy. It makes me the secretary of the Whole Bunch Of Beanie Babies club!
Reba: Oh and is this your password? (puts finger horizontally to lips and moves it up and down, blowing)

Barbra-Jean: Reba, I am perfectly aware the silly little things that I do. Why if I wasn't, I'd be insane!
Reba: That's your argument? I know I'm insane so I'm not insane?!

Brock: That's it, Reba. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Without breaking anything.

Jake: I'll keep him in my room. You'll never know he was here.
Reba: That's what Cheyenne said when she brought Van home.
Jake: Please?
Reba: Oh all right. But you have to keep him in your room and I better not smell anything.
Kyra: Hey. That's what I said when Cheyenne brought Van home.

Van: I want you to stop vomiting!
Cheyenne: If I could control it, I'd do it on you right now.

Brock: Go on, go tell him.
Reba: No, you tell him!
Brock: He's your boyfriend.
Reba: Well he's your best friend.
Brock: Exactly. We've known each other for twenty years. You've only been going out for two. He loves me.
Terry (comes over): There's the love of my life!
Reba: I'm here too!

Brock: What's up with all the stickers?
Reba: Oh, that's just my kids' way of claiming all my stuff.
Brock: Damn, I should have thought of that during our divorce!
Jake: Mom. Are you gonna die?
Reba: Oh, of course not, sweetie.
Jake: Good. Because if you die, I won't have a place to sleep. Van put a sticker on my bed.
Reba: Van, take the sticker off Jake's bed!
Van: Fine. I'll just have to get a job, get rich, and buy my own racecar bed!

Barbra-Jean: I can't trust you anymore, Reba. In fact, you know what, I'm not talking to you. Here are my last words to you: Ha. Ha. And since my last words to you were 'ha,' and 'ha,' I also got the last laugh. And now, I'm locking my lips, and throwing away the key. (does just that and leaves Reba's kitchen)
Brock: Listen, she really means it.
Reba: (searching frantically around her kitchen floor) Not now, Brock. I need to find that key and bury it.

Barbra-Jean: Hey everybody, Brock Hart wears a leopard thong!
Brock: Now it's not special!

Van: Do you realize the way you look at Cheyenne's pep squad is the exact same way you accuse them of looking at you?
Kyra: I don't like this Van. I like the dumb Van.

Barbra-Jean: I'm in your head.

Cheyenne: Van. Prevent her.
Van: Prevent Kyra? Can't I just stick my hand in the blender?

Reba: Jake, did you see your father?
Jake: You mean, Mr. Hhhhhhhhhhot?

Brock: I still don't know why I married either one of them!

Barbra Jean: Hey, Reba! I can see you from this bathroom window too!

Brock: Oh, come on. Don't I get my turn? You try being married to the frying pan and then the fire!

Van: Cheyenne, is this your bottle? (holds up an empty bottle of wine)
Cheyenne: What? Why would you think that is my bottle?
Van: Well it's not mine. And if it's not yours, then our three-year-old has a major problem.

Reba: I think it's time to start searching for your third wife.

Kyra: And, there is no scarf museum.
Jake: There isn't?
Brock: And even if there is, NO!

Reba: Barbra-Jean! How did you get in here?
Barbra-Jean: Oh, I climbed in through your bedroom window. (silence) Well I couldn't knock on your door at three in the morning. That would be rude.

Kyra: (after finding two cheerleaders jumping up and down in front of Van in his room) You hold them down, mom and I'll whack 'em with the mallet.

Van: I got my A double S kicked.
Reba: Too bad it wasn't a spelling test.

Cheyenne: What was your favorite part about talking to me?
Krya: All the words you mispronounced.

Reba: I'm jealous! There! I said it. I'm jealous of Barbra-Jean! (grabs a towel and starts to wipe her tongue) Bleagh bleh leaheha.

Brock: Come on, Reba. Barbra-Jean took me from you and you weren't half as mad.
Reba: I lived with you for twenty years, I should have sent that girl a basket of muffins!

Reba: Yeah, but for all I knew, we were gonna work things out and have more kids!
Brock: Come on, Reba, you didn't want any more kids.
Reba: Back then I didn't want any more kids. But now that I know it wasn't even an option, I bet I'd have wanted more kids!

Reba: Look Brock, I know the rules of marriage have always been a bit shaky for you, but you can't be married to two women at the same time! They even made a law about it!
Brock: Yeah, see, here's the thing. I talked to my lawyer, and he says if you sign this form, Barbra-Jean and I can get married before our divorce is final.
Reba: You want me to sign a permission slip????
Brock: Please? It would really help me out.
Reba: I'm done with helping you out. You wanna get married, you just gotta wait until your divorce is final like all the rest of the cheating husbands!

Reba: You've gotta stay together in a relationship. If you spend too much time apart, you'll start to have some problems. And that's when you sprout a barb-a-jean.

Van: I am honored today to be honored...with this honor. And I think about all the other players you could be honoring but chose me instead. For that I am truly and deeply...honored. I would like to thank my coach, Mr. H, Mrs. H, and most of all, the most important woman in my entire life...my mom.
Cheyenne: That's not what I wrote...

Brock: She needs me!
Reba: My kids needed you!
Brock: And they still have me. But, come on, Reba, you don't need me. I mean, you can make toast, Barbra-Jean can't.
Reba: ...Is 'make toast,' code for something?

Reba (laughing): What kind of a moron can't make toast?

Brock: Some people want to go away for college. In fact, if there was a University of Antarctica, it'd have a waiting list!

Brock: Maybe I should go camping.
Reba: What would Barbra-Jean say?
Brock: Oh she wouldn't mind. She's not like you; she wants me to be happy.

Doctor (after Cheyenne rushes to the hospital): False alarm. No one's having a baby today.
Barbra-Jean: Um. I think my water broke.
Reba: Oh no! You're sitting on my purse!

Reba: BJ. I understand you're feeling no pain right now. That's wonderful. Now get my kid away from your birth canal!

Brock: Reba, we won't be there for them forever. We've gotta let them make their own decisions.
Reba: But I'm so much better at it than them!

Brock: Oh god. We've gotta get to the hospital before BJ names the kid Jesus.

Reba: His last words to me were, 'I'll never get over you, Reba.'
Brock: You were lucky. His last words to me were, 'Unlock that car door.'

Reba: I hope she knows that with a middle like hers, she ain't got no chance in hell of winning.
Brock: Yeah...But look on the bright side. It's prom night, and we don't have to worry about our daughter getting pregnant.

Reba: Come downstairs. You've got a parenting class to go to!
Van: No! I've already got two hard-to-pass classes. If I take another one, it could seriously damage my GPA!
Reba: Van, they don't grade you in this class.
Van: Sure. That's what my counselor said when he tricked me into taking Math.

8 SIMPLE RULES

Kerry: A bake sale? That's what we can do to help the sick people at your hospital?
Cate: Yeah. A bake sale.
Kerry: Gee, that's great. Then, maybe we could create world peace by opening a kissing booth.

Kerry: Ha, good luck, Rory. Dad didn't let me group date when I was your age.
Bridget: Yeah, but to be fair, you had to be part of a group.
Kerry: Um, I had friends.
Bridget: Yeah, they were one foot tall and stuffed.
Kerry: Shut up.
Bridget: And you kissed them.
Kerry: Shut up.

Bridget: I like the sad face.
Kerry: Thanks, it's new.

Kerry: Dad, why would you think we hated you?
Paul: Because you said you hated me.

Grandpa: You wanna see a neat trick? Where's my cane?!
Cate: Now, dad, what did we say about hitting C. J. with the cane?
Grandpa (grumbling): Not to do it.
Cate: And C. J., what did we say about taunting grandpa?
C. J. (puts hand over face and sighs): Not to do it.

Kerry: She didn't need a boyfriend after all.
Bridget: She just needed C. J.

Bridget: How could she do this to me? I mean, do you know how long I've been dreaming about this?
Paul (thinking): Uhh, let's see. That cheerleader was injured on Monday, so...since Monday?
Bridget (nodding): Yeah.

Cate: Fine. Just tell me his initials.
Bridget: C...and J. That's all you're getting out of me.

C. J.: Are you wearing space pants?

Kerry: Get back here!
Bridget: DAD! Help me!
Paul: Girls, don't kill each other.
Kerry: Oh Bridget, you are soooo dead.
Paul: Well, at least I said it.
Cate: Paul! Kerry, what's the problem?
Kerry: Bridget taped through my video project.
Bridget: Well I had to see how my new pants would look at Sabrina's party next Saturday.
Kerry: Take a look at this. (puts on video)
Bridget: I am so at that party.
Paul: Well Kerry, can't you just tape it over again?
Kerry: Yeah, I'll ask god to recreate that meteor shower I filmed. It only occurs once every hundred years or so but maybe he'll make an exception for, you know, Bridget's butt.

MY WIFE AND KIDS

Michael: All right, Claire. I want you to distract them whenever they start fighting, you got that?
Claire: Don't you think I look prettier every day?
Michael: Hey, you're good at this!
Claire: ...Good at what?

Jay: Soap on a rope! Who doesn't need soap on a rope?

Junior (tripping): Ow! Who put that stair there?
Michael: How does the boy fall upstairs? His stupidity defies gravity.

Michael: Hello, mistake.
Junior: Good morning, father.

Claire (tumbles down the stairs, head first): Woah. Gravity's crazy, y'all.

Junior: What are we looking for?
Franklin: Your common sense.

Junior: And as we all know, there's no 'e' in 'team.'