When Helena got home, she found Hunnigan on the couch, hugging a pillow to her chest as she lay down. Helena wasn't sure how it was even possible to tell exactly, but the only way she could describe what she saw was to say Hunnigan lay down grumpily, because there was something incredibly agitated about her demeanor, even when she didn't do anything. It was probably partly Helena's sixth sense about these things alerting her to the fact that something was wrong. That sense had been developed and fine-tuned very carefully by the majority of her life spent walking on eggshells around an alcoholic who was prone to violent outbursts.

"Hey. What are you watching?" Helena asked after unleashing Charlie and removing her shoes and jacket.
"I don't know, one of those cooking competitions," Hunnigan muttered.

"You okay?" Helena asked and took a seat on the couch as Hunnigan moved her legs to make room, then decided to sit up instead.
"Not really," she sighed and turned around so that she could rest her head in Helena's lap.

"You wanna talk about it?" Helena asked, resting her hand against the top of Hunnigan's head, using her thumb to massage a gentle circle on Hunnigan's temple.
"Not really," she said again.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Not really," Hunnigan repeated for the third time, a small chuckle accompanying the words as she grew amused by offering the same response once more.

"All right. Is it okay if I sit here with you and watch fumbling chefs singe their eyebrows, or would you prefer being alone?"

"No, I want you with me, I missed you, I haven't seen you since last night when we went to bed," Hunnigan said, took Helena's free hand into her own, and held it against her chest. "We don't have to watch this, you can change the channel if you want to," she then added.

"Nah, I don't really care what's on, it's just background noise," Helena shrugged.
"How was your day?" Hunnigan asked.

"Well, um...I got bit by a meth addict, but other than that my day was rather uneventful."
"Why did they bite you?"

"Don't worry, he wasn't a zombie, and he bit mostly just my sleeve, I didn't even get a bruise. I guess he just didn't appreciate being held down after he took a swing at a doctor."

Hunnigan suddenly began to laugh softly, and Helena frowned, then inquired what was so funny.

"Just your luck to run into a meth addict who still has teeth."
"You're right, that is so my luck," Helena agreed with a chuckle. "Hey, um...there's something I wanna talk to you about," she then said after a little pause.

"Oh, same, I've been meaning to ask you what you want to do for Thanksgiving. Seeley is gonna spend this year's holidays with Major and his family, so it can be just us if you want. Or, we could always go to New York if you insist on hanging out with my parents, Nolan, and Marisha."

"I think I've had enough of New York for a while. I mean, everything in the world is there and it's interesting but it's also...so noisy and big, I don't understand how anyone can live there," Helena chuckled. "And, frankly, I don't care about Thanksgiving. If anyone asks, I tell them it's because I think it's atrocious to celebrate the genocide of the Native American tribes. Saying that makes me sound smarter than saying it's really because Thanksgiving to me usually just meant having to dig mashed potatoes out from my grandma's nostrils so she wouldn't choke after passing out face first in her frozen turkey dinner," she then smirked.

"You could start your own tradition for the holidays, one that involves less passing out drunk and more...family fun and enjoying good food," Hunnigan suggested.
"I don't have any living relatives, remember? That I know of anyway."

"Family doesn't always mean blood-relatives."
"What about the whole blood is thicker than water-thing then?" Helena smirked and Hunnigan sat up.

"Actually," she began, holding her index finger pointed at the ceiling, "that saying means exactly the opposite of what people think it means. The complete version of the saying goes something along the lines of the blood of the covenant being thicker than the water of the womb, meaning you're more bonded to the people you've chosen as your family versus the people who you are related to by birth."

"Have I ever told you how much I love the fact that you just know shit like that off the top of your head?" Helena said, and Hunnigan smiled.
"My point being, if you want, we could just hang out with friends."

"It would really have to be just your friends because Hawke excluded, I don't have any, and when I asked about her plans for the holiday, she said, and I quote 'Bitch, I'm English', so I guess she's not big on Thanksgiving. It's kind of moot anyway seeing as I have already agreed to be at work for Thanksgiving."

"Oh," Hunnigan muttered.
"Is that a problem?"

"Well, no, because I didn't want to plan anything, but at the same time, I would've appreciated it if you'd told me earlier, you know, as a courtesy."
"I'm just kinda used to my comings and goings having little to no impact on other people's lives. I genuinely forgot that it might matter, and I've already agreed to work that day, so...I messed up, and I apologize, I'll try to remember that apparently I matter nowadays," Helena said with a lopsided smile.

"I forgive you, and I get it, but yes, you do need to start remembering that you matter, because you really do, you mean the world to me."
"I'll work on trying to remember that in the future. And for the record, likewise," Helena smiled.

"Was that what you wanted to talk about?" Hunnigan asked before taking a moment to also apologize for having interrupted Helena earlier.
"Uh, no, it's nothing holiday-related, it's something that came up when I was talking with Hawke earlier."

"Which is?"
"We got to talking about babies and she asked if you and I had any plans of having kids, and I realized we never discussed it," Helena said.

"Ah," was all Hunnigan commented, and after a long, semi-awkward pause, Helena spoke again.
"...so, I was kind of wondering if we could talk about it now? As in, do you want kids?"

"Do you?" Hunnigan asked back, and Helena could easily tell she was trying to win time to come up with a justification or reasonable argument. She didn't know which side Hunnigan would be debating, though, but that was what made her realize the answer to the question Hunnigan had thrown back at her.

The crushing feeling of her heart imploding in her chest with disappointment she felt when she contemplated the possibility of Hunnigan saying no was telling, and ultimately it was that which made Helena realize she did in fact want a baby. That said, she wasn't sure if Hunnigan saying no would be a dealbreaker, because if she had to choose between her marriage and having a child, at the very moment she was willing to choose her marriage. Of course, that would run the risk of her growing resentful over time, but she supposed that was a risk she'd have to take. If Hunnigan said no, that was.

"Well, that's...not an easy question to answer."
"I know," Hunnigan said.

"I didn't think I would. But, I also didn't think I'd ever meet someone I'd want to raise a child with. I'm not..." Helena trailed off and sighed. "You know the type of women who grow up playing house and taking care of dolls like they're babies, and have picked out names for their future children by the time they're fourteen?"

"Yes, my mother and grandmother tried very hard grooming me into becoming one of those women. It didn't work."

"Deborah was one of those women. She knew for a hard cold fact that she wanted kids. And I was like, awesome, I'll be the cool aunt. And I feel that way about Seeley, like I'm the cool aunt-figure...not that I compare to cool aunt-Marisha, but..." Helena trailed off with a grin, and Hunnigan smiled. "My point is, I don't really consider myself a parent to him."

"Well, honey, you've only known him for a little while, excuse my boldness, but I'm relatively certain that over time you'll learn to love him like he was your own."
"That's not an issue, I already do love him, he's a great kid, but..." Helena shrugged one shoulder.

"But it's like renting something versus owning something, it's not the same. Okay, that was an incredibly clumsy metaphor, but I presume you know what I mean," Hunnigan chuckled uncomfortably, and Helena nodded.

"Yeah. I never really thought I would have kids, because I didn't think I'd ever meet anyone I'd have them with. But then I met you, and I started thinking that...maybe? But at the same time, I'm considering my general indecisiveness about a lot of things, like my future career, and..." Helena sighed, making a "I give up"-gesture with her hands and shrugged once more.

"So, you're saying that you don't know."

"I am saying I do and I don't. Right now? Yes, I want a baby," Helena said, and the subtle bob of Hunnigan's throat as she swallowed hard at the words didn't go unnoticed by her. "Ask me again tomorrow and I will tell you I think it's a terrible idea because what kind of a parent would I be, regardless of what I'll end up doing for a living, for the next few years I will be busy with school and work. Ask me again later and I will tell you that I'd figure it out, we'd make it work, and it might be difficult at times but still I also really want to have a chance to"— Helena interrupted herself and sighed deeply again, shaking her head.

"Well..." Hunnigan began slowly and reached to take Helena's hands into her own. "I did think about the subject a little, back when you joked about calling dibs on the breast milk the next time I got pregnant."

"Oh, God, I'd hoped you'd forgotten about that," Helena groaned and slumped to the side, burying her face into the backrest of the couch.

"And, truthfully, there won't be a next time for me," Hunnigan continued, and Helena remained still in her spot, thankful that her face was still pressed against the couch because she didn't want Hunnigan to see the obvious look of disappointment Helena could physically feel taking over her face.

"Okay," she mumbled into the cushion.
"There won't be a next time because I will never put myself through the harrowing experience of being pregnant again."

"I get it, you don't need to explain," Helena said and sat up straight.
"I think I do, because what I'm saying is that just because I refuse to go through it personally, I'm not saying no to the concept. I'm just saying that if you want a baby, you will have to carry it yourself."

"I was thinking of adoption, to be honest. I might not even be able to get pregnant. At least not the simple way."
"Oh?" Hunnigan raised her eyebrows, and Helena sighed. Yet another conversation they had never had because there hadn't been an obvious reason to. She wondered how many there'd end up being.

It was weird. She felt like she'd known Hunnigan forever, and right now she couldn't imagine a day without her, but the fact still remained that they hadn't been together for very long, and before that they'd only known each other professionally and superficially.

"Yeah, it turns out that having your cervix violently and repeatedly bruised with foreign objects leaves behind scar tissue which complicates things. Just another thing that Good took fr"— Helena swallowed the rest of the sentence and bit on her lower lip, her mouth twisting into a tight line as she went from being okay to suddenly unable to stop the tears from rising to her eyes. Hunnigan gently pulled her into a hug, and she gladly eased into the embrace.

It was the strangest cry Helena'd had in her life; there were no sobs, just the tears and a sudden feeling of deep sadness. And then it was over, just as quickly as it had started, like she'd just been quickly dipped into a pool of sadness and then pulled out before she actually got sad.

"That was weird," Helena sniffled as she retreated from the hug.
"Maybe those feelings needed airing more than you'd realized," Hunnigan suggested.

"Maybe, I don't know, I'd never really thought about it, had no need to, didn't matter," Helena shrugged and wiped her eyes. "Ugh, I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to apologize for."

"I just feel so stupid."
"You're not stupid, and everything's okay," Hunnigan assured gently, and Helena nodded, a rueful smile on her lips. "As for adopting a baby...I am not against the idea, I just think we should not do it right now?"

"Oh, no, no, I didn't mean right now or anytime very soon either, more like...maybe in the next five years or so we could look into it?" Helena said, the pitch of her voice rising higher and higher toward the end of the sentence.
"That sounds okay to me," Hunnigan smiled.

"Well, good. I'm glad we had this talk, as odd as it was," Helena said.
"Me too."

"Can I ask you one more thing?"
"You can ask me as many things as you want, my love," Hunnigan said gently.

"It's a bit awkward so I'm just gonna blurt it out. Why haven't we had sex since the first time? Was I...terrible at it or..?" Helena mumbled, twisting her hands in her lap nervously.
"No, no, no, that's not it at all, it's kind of the opposite, actually," Hunnigan hurried to correct her and Helena frowned deeply.

"What do you mean?"
"You were very good, with a few adjustments to accommodate my personal preferences, you will be... perfect. But that's the thing. You're inexperienced yet at the time, you knew exactly what you were doing, and I got to thinking why you're so good at it. I may have kinda felt a little bit guilty about enjoying it so much."

"Oh, no. Please, don't. It's bad enough that monster ruined sex for me, don't let her get into your head too."
"I won't, it just occurred to me when I was thinking back on it, and I felt bad about it, but then I figured what we have is not even remotely similar to what was done to you, so I'm getting over it."

"Exactly. So...you were thinking back on it?" Helena grinned, and Hunnigan smiled and rolled her eyes a little.
"I think back on it frequently. What do you think I do all day now that I'm suspended and have all the time in the world?"

"Wow, you really are a wanker," Helena teased, and Hunnigan laughed.
"I prefer the term 'masturbation enthusiast', thank you very much," she corrected.

"Can I put my head between your legs?" Helena then asked and Hunnigan raised an eyebrow.
"I'm gonna need a little more foreplay than you just politely asking."

"No, I didn't mean like that, I meant like I want to use your thigh as a pillow, but you totally don't have to wear pants," Helena elaborated, and Hunnigan let out an amused scoff. She moved to lay back on the couch and let her left leg rest on the back of the couch to make room so that Helena could go lay on her side and rest her head on Hunnigan's thigh.

"This is officially my favorite place in the world."
"Well, I do recall dramatically proclaiming something along the lines of you always being welcome betwixt my breasts, might as well expand the area to betwixt my thighs," Hunnigan said and Helena laughed softly.

"Did I ever tell you how I realized I'm a lesbian?"
"I don't think so."

"Well, it's kind of a long story, you wanna hear it?
"Of course I do."

"It starts with grandma's books. She was a lot of things; mostly a mean, cruel, bitter asshole, but she was also an artist, and not a bad one either. At least not when her hands weren't shaking too much from drinking. As such, she had an interest in the subject and she had a bunch of books about art, and sometimes I would look at them, and I think I was like nine or something when I came across a painting that made me go 'okay, this is stirring something', you know what I mean?"

"Yes, for me it was Fried green tomatoes. I wanted Ruth and Idgie to kiss so bad," Hunnigan commented.

"Right, you get it. Anyway, I don't remember whose painting it was or any other details, I think the title was something about the world, I just very clearly remember a woman lying back with her legs spread, but it wasn't explicit. I mean, yes, it was, technically, but it wasn't gross porn-kind of explicit."

"Sounds like it might be L'Origine du monde. "
"I don't know what that means."

"It's a piece by, what's-his-name, hang on," Hunnigan said and grabbed her phone. "The origin of the world by Gustave Courbet, this it?" she then asked after looking it up and held the phone toward Helena.

"What a brilliant title for the subject," Helena said and looked at the screen. "Yes, that's exactly it! I gotta tell you, I never expected to see it again. I mean I could've tried looking it up but without a title, what do you think I'd find with the only search parameter I had," she smirked.

"I only made the connection because I saw it in person once."
"Of course you did, you're the sophisticated one," Helena chuckled.

"It was less about that more about me getting to go with grandma-Ingrid when she started checking things off her bucket list. After she was diagnosed with cancer, she decided to spend her money on doing fun things rather than on treatments that she didn't think would work anyway, so, she took her savings and started touring Europe, and she took me along. We went to Italy, Scotland, Greece, Iceland...and France, of course, which is where I saw the painting."

"That sounds like a wonderful time. I mean, if you ignore the cancer-part of the story."
"It really was."

"Why didn't Nolan come with you?"
"He spent that summer sailing with mom."

"Your mother sails—what am I saying, of course she does," Helena interrupted herself upon realizing what a stupid question it was to ask about a woman who was anything but subtle about how much she revered her pirate-ancestors.

"Welp, I didn't go to museums but I had pictures. I used to look at the one I mentioned rather frequently, but Frances must've noticed me looking because one day, the page had been torn out and I never saw it again," Helena said then.

"So, the painting made you realize you're a lesbian, what does that have to do with you sticking your head between my legs, aside from the proximity to my version of the origin of the world," Hunnigan asked.

"Well, when I saw it, I felt...right. Like, what it made me feel was exactly right for me, only I didn't know at the time what it meant exactly, I didn't figure that out until later when other girls were talking about having crushes on boys and I couldn't relate because I was too busy realizing that watching Shakira and Britney Spears's music videos made me feel funny inside, and then I learned about this cool thing called lesbianism."

"In your defense, those music videos had that effect on a lot of people," Hunnigan interjected.

"My point is, when I went down on you, I felt the same way; I felt right, I felt like this is where I belong," Helena said and moved her hand to rest on Hunnigan's abdomen, stroking the skin lightly with her fingertips, her action causing Hunnigan to inhale and exhale deeply and slowly.

"Oh, I see."
"Yeah," Helena shrugged one shoulder a little and smiled. "I could spend days here."

"I might just take you up on that," Hunnigan grinned. "I just had an idea," she then gasped.
"Does it involve you putting on a blonde wig and doin' a lil' 'Whenever, Wherever' for me?" Helena grinned, and Hunnigan laughed.

"Well, no, but that can be arranged, however, I will not crawl in mud, not even for your entertainment."

"Okay, I'm getting distracted, what's the actual idea?" Helena said after taking a moment to allow herself to get lost in the mental image she'd conjured up based on the times she'd seen Hunnigan dance before, her movements so smooth it was like watching honey flow from a dripper.

"I can't tell you, it'll be your Christmas present. But I need you all to myself for a couple of days at least, preferably longer if you have the time, so if you can manage it, don't take any shifts for the holidays."

"I'll see what I can do but I would really rather know what you're planning, I don't like surprises."
"What kind of person doesn't like surprises?"

"The kind who has almost never had a pleasant one."
"All right, fine. I will take you to Paris to go see the painting responsible for your sexual awakening, surprise."

"That's a really sweet idea, but"—
"No buts, we're doing it," Hunnigan said and was already typing something on her phone.

"But I don't know if I'll have time off from work," Helena said quickly. "And didn't you say the city stinks?"

"It does, but I don't plan on us spending much time out on the streets. As for the tickets, it's okay, we'll just change the flight to when you can go if these dates won't work," Hunnigan shrugged, still typing, apparently determined to make this happen right now.

"That costs extra."
"Not if you buy first class tickets."

"Well, yeah, but those are ridiculously overpriced to begin with."
"Not a problem," Hunnigan muttered as she scrolled through something.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but weren't you suspended without pay?"
"Don't worry about it."

"Ingrid."
"Don't ask me about my business, Helena," Hunnigan said, the sudden stern seriousness of her voice causing Helena to pause and blink in surprise.

"Excuse me?"
"...you haven't seen The Godfather , have you?"

"No..."

"Oh. Well, in that case, have you ever made a reference to something only to realize the other person has no idea what you are referring to, and it's very uncomfortable and awkward?" Hunnigan then laughed, and Helena rolled her eyes.

"Why are you avoiding the subject?"
"Because talking about money is vulgar, the only important thing about money is that you have enough of it. We have enough of it, I will tell you if you need to start worrying about money."

"Wow, what year is it? Nineteen-fifty-something, and you really are the husband."

"Hush, or I will not give you your allowance this week."
"Fine, I'll just dip into the grocery-fund to buy a hat," Helena pretended to pout, and Hunnigan laughed. She then informed Helena she'd purchased the tickets and Helena made a note to try and get those days off from work. They sat silently for a long moment after that, the only sounds in the room were the noises coming from the television and a brief, quiet whine from Charlie as he yawned.

"Ingrid..." Helena began and turned to face Hunnigan.
"Yes?" she asked, turning her attention to Helena.

"Would we need to start worrying about money if I got into med school?"

Hunnigan looked up into the ceiling, her lips moving as she silently mouthed words, wiggling her fingers a little as she pretended to do math.

"...carry the one..." she muttered, then laughed. "No, if you want to go to med school, all you gotta worry about is getting in and studying."
"I'm not sure how I feel about this."

"Yes, I can see how your wife being supportive of you would be confusing and upsetting," Hunnigan teased, and Helena rolled her eyes.

"I don't know how to do this. I grew up poor, and by the time I started making any money, most of it just went to finance Deborah's schooling or her lifestyle in general, or paying off her student loan, so I'm not used to not needing to count my pennies whenever I want to buy a pack of smokes, you know?"

"All right, but like I've told you today and before, don't worry about money, don't worry about my spending, and definitely don't feel guilty if I spend it on you."

"I never understood how Deborah did it. She had absolutely no problem letting other people pay for her things, she downright expected it sometimes, like the world and everyone in it owed it to her. I don't know how to be like that. I wouldn't even want to be like that because if I am given something, I feel like I'm in debt to the other person, I gotta give them something in return, and most of the time, I can't do that, and I am just left feeling useless and guilty," Helena said.

"Hey, all I ever wanted was for someone to routinely iron my shirts for me."
"Be serious."

"I am! Look, I don't need specific things or favors in return for anything. I just want you to be happy and able to do what you want to do, if going to med school is one of those things, then I'll happily do anything I can to help you get there, either by just being your personal cheerleader or by paying the tuition. I don't know what you expect me to do, give you a chore list?"

"Well, that's a bit childish, but I will iron your shirts for the rest of my life," Helena smirked, and Hunnigan scoffed amusedly.
"Okay, let me try a different approach. Why are you with me? How do you feel when we're together? If I may be so bold, I do assume you like being with me."

"Of course I do. You make me feel happy, and like I have someone I can rely upon. You make me feel better, in general and about myself. You make me laugh in the best way, you make me feel loved and taken care of."

"And that is how I feel about you, and all those fuzzy warm feelings are what I'm getting in return, and imagine just how happy it makes me to do something that helps you or makes you feel good. I don't need anything, and I don't want anything else, just be by my side, allow me to try to make you as happy as you make me. It really is that simple."

"How do you always know just what to say?"

"Improv classes, and growing up listening to my mother practice closing arguments," Hunnigan smiled sweetly.