AN: Guess what everyone? I'm 20 now! Wow, 20 years old. Only one more year till I'm legally allowed to drink my troubles away! But enough about my personal life, let's get back to talking about children's cartoons that ended last year. I feel like this chapter might appeal the most to me in particular, given I was raised on cartoons with guest stars and pop culture references like The Simpsons, so this should be real fun.
Synopsis: Steven gets the Gems for take a load off after all they've done. In the process, Lapis & Amethyst get involved in a spy's mission against P.H.A.N.T.O.M (Power-Hungry, All-National Team Of Madmen), Bismuth dares Garnet to help solve a mystery without using her future vision, and Peridot & Pearl go to a comic book convention.
Cast:
Zach Callison as Steven
Estelle as Garnet
Micheala Dietz as Amethyst
Deedee Magno-Hall as Pearl
Shelby Rabara as Peridot
Jennifer Paz as Lapis Lazuli
Uzo Aduba as Bismuth
Noël Wells as Black Rutile
Featuring Pierce Brosnan as Bane Jones
Christoph Waltz as Francis von Bowling
David McCallum as G
Paget Brewster as B
Diedrich Bader as Lennie
Wayne Knight as Milton
Casey Robertson as Neil Michaels
Richard Horwitz as Christopher Cage
Andy Serkis as Neckbearded Collector
Neil Flynn as The Officer
And Larry Thomas as Soup Salesman
Steven Universe: Alternate Future
Part 3, Chapter 4: Gems' Night Out
Late at night in Beach City, the Crystal Gems were getting all dressed up for a night on the town.
Pearl pulled on some jeans over her pants and doffed her blazer in favor of a jacket colored in a garish mix of purple, dark pink, gold, and light blue.
Lapis snapped her fingers and replaced her standard attire with her baseball uniform, this time with a denim blue hoodie over it.
Peridot simply put on sunglasses over her regular glasses and made a pair of finger guns to no one in particular.
Bismuth once again put on a white button-up shirt and tied her hair up, much like how she looked on her rollerskating date with Pearl & Sheena.
Amethyst also tied her hair back in a ponytail, but unlike Bismuth she put on a plaid scarf around her neck.
Finally, Garnet decided on wearing one of Greg's old shirts for the night, one that had a design of a purple-skinned gargoyle with white glowing eyes bursting out of a stone statue, its wings spread as a show of dominance.
"It's so nice that you decided that we go for a night out Steven," Pearl thanked Steven while adjusting her jacket. "but why aren't you coming along with us? Surely you might need a break after all this time."
"Don't worry about me, this is all about you girls!" Steven assured Pearl. As much as it was a chance for the Gems to relax after thousands of years, it was also an excuse for Steven to try and control his powers on his own without anyone worrying too much about him. "So, where are you planning on going?"
"We're going to Los Diego, Calivada!" Amethyst announced excitedly while bouncing on the couch. "Home to some of the best conventions, casinos, restaurants, and all sorts of other touristy stuff in the country! Woo, Viva Los Diego!"
"I get you're hyped Amethyst, but please save some of that energy for the city." Garnet coolly stated while grabbing Amethyst by the arms mid-bounce and setting her down.
"I don't think I've been anywhere else on Earth since I started living here," Peridot stated.
"Yeah, me neither." Bismuth added. "' Course, that's mostly because I missed out on everything that's happened these past thousands of years."
"I've flown outside of the barn before after the Gems freed me from Malachite." Lapis revealed. "Though I don't think I've ever seen a city up close before."
"Well, you'll all be happy to know Los Diego can be reached via Warp Pad." Pearl declared. "We set one up in what would become Calivada during the Rebellion, and I think it's remained there ever since." She added before turning on her heel to the temple's Warp Pad. "Now come along now everyone!"
"Bye guys!" Steven bade the Crystal Gems farewell before they left for Los Diego. Once he made sure he was all alone, Steven took a deep breath and strolled into the bathroom. However, while he washed his face, Steven was unaware of an uninvited guest closing in on the beach house.
Los Diego, the capital of Calivada. A shining bayside city that has been called one of the biggest cities in the United States, home to some of the most famous landmarks in the country in addition to some very popular restaurants, casinos, beaches, theaters, museums, the works.
However, the Crystal Gems did not bear witness to any of those on the other end of the Warp Pad when they reached Los Diego. Instead, they found that the Warp Pad was located in a dingy alleyway that was equidistant to the main city and a homeless man petting some local vermin.
"Are we sure this is the right place?" Peridot inquired Pearl before accidentally stepping in something gross that she'd rather not talk about. "Ew, this is disgusting!"
"Oh, this is merely just an alleyway everyone," Pearl assured the other Gems before pointing to the homeless man. "Look, there's even a street bum right over there!"
The homeless man turned to look at the colorful women standing close to him and let out a loud scream. "AAHH, THE SUCCUBUSES HAVE COME FOR ME AT LEAST!" he yelled while dropping to his knees. "Please have mercy on me, I don't have that much life force to spare!"
"Weirdo." Lapis scoffed at the bum before the Gems finally left the alley.
"Well, if you don't want to bang me to death, then do any of you got change?!" the homeless man yelled at the departing Crystal Gems, shaking a Styrofoam cup around. "Aw come on, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!"
Compared to the dingy back-alley the Gems arrived to Los Diego in, the big city itself was glistening with big, shining lights all around. Massive billboards hanged above them advertising the latest blockbuster films, new specials at the restaurants, and an advertisement for Vesuvius Beach featured a couple of blonde lifeguard girls in tight red one-pieces. People of all kinds roamed the streets, traffic jams were essentially turned into car shows with how many fancy automobiles were impatiently waiting to start moving, and even the street signs were very flashy.
"Dang, why couldn't we have moved here instead?!" Amethyst exclaimed in awe. "No offense to Beach City, but this place has everything!"
"Don't get too excited Amethyst," Pearl advised the small quartz while handing her a wad of $500. "You all each get five hundred dollars, courtesy of Greg, and I have a set schedule for our activities tonight." As Pearl pulled a large planner from her gem, Amethyst let out a loud groan.
"Cheer up Amethyst, maybe we can find some way to make this night fun." Garnet assured Amethyst before Pearl began reading off the schedule.
"First order of business, going to the opera." Pearl stated. "I hear Carmen is at the Pagliacci Theater tonight. One of the greats, I've heard everyone say! Next up, we go on a sightseeing tour of the Renfield Zoo, then we go find some affluent celebrities to get their autographs from for Steven to admire. Anyone got that?"
However, Pearl realized a bit too late that Lapis, Amethyst, Garnet & Bismuth had left while she was reading from the schedule, leaving the ex-servant alone with only Peridot to keep her company. "Drat." Pearl snapped her fingers in defeat before turning to the smaller genius. "Well, at least you'd like to come with me, right Peridot?"
"Oh sure, I'm sticking by you." Peridot said to Pearl. "But there's something I want to go to instead." She then pointed towards another billboard, this time depicting three men playing a tabletop RPG. "The Los Diego National Nerds and Geeks Convention, or LDNNGC for short."
"I'm going to assume it's filled with nerds and geeks?" Pearl declared sarcastically.
"Oh, it's not just that!" Peridot replied eagerly. "Movie directors, comic book writers, cartoon creators, TV show producers, all that and even more come here to announce the hottest new shows, movies, and comics! We just gotta go!"
"But, my schedule!" Pearl tried to object, but Peridot's big puppy dog eyes proved to be too much for her. "Ah, how can I say no to a face like that?" Pearl chuckled. "Our combined total is a thousand dollars, so maybe we can spend it on souvenirs for you and Steven."
"Yay!" Peridot cheered before she raced off. "This is like a dream come true!" The little nerdy Gem was so eager to be among dorks like her, she didn't even care that she ran into a lamppost because she was wearing sunglasses at night.
"Whatever makes you happy." Pearl chuckled as she followed Peridot before her thoughts began shifting to the others. "I wonder what everyone else is getting up to?"
Lapis soared through Los Diego's skyline with Amethyst clinging onto her arms, looking for an attraction to explore.
"There are so many choices!" Amethyst gawked at everything she could see from above the city. "Maybe we could crash a fancy restaurant or go to the local parks! Maybe we could even sneak into Vesuvius Beach and go skinny d-"
"Or maybe we could go over there with the big lights." Lapis cut Amethyst off before she could make a rather lewd suggestion.
"Gonna have to be a bit more specific Double-Ell," Amethyst replied.
"I mean, I can see a big sign over there." Lapis reiterated as she spied a massive neon sign of a sharply dressed woman standing in front of a card table. "I think it says 'The Guessing Girl'."
"So, you wanna go gambling?" Amethyst asked with a smirk. "I mean, we got a full G between us, why not put it to good use?"
The two Gems landed at the front of the Guessing Girl casino, the biggest casino in the entire city. Patrons entering and exiting the establishment were in awe of the cute blue girl touching down in front of them with wings like an angel and her little purple friend eagerly flicking through a wad of half a G as they strolled into the joint.
"Wow, this is some place." Lapis whistled in amazement at the variety of seedy card tables, slot machines being used by people wasting their lives away, roulette wheels with beautiful waitresses over them, and many, many more.
"Well, what are we waiting for?! Let it ride!" Amethyst exclaimed as she raced off towards the nearest poker game, while a top-heavy bouncer glared at the two Gems.
"This is Agent Milton, reporting." The bouncer privately spoke into an earpiece. "The rabbit is in the warren. I repeat, the rabbit is in the warren."
"Excellent work Milton." The earpiece stated. "Now, allow Lennie to do the rest."
A suave man in a three-piece suit lit up another cigarette as he scored another hand at poker. "Good game my friends." He nodded politely in a silky English accent before noticing a new player racing up to the table. "Oh, here comes a new challenger."
"Deal us in." Lapis ordered while setting down her 500 dollars on the table in unison with Amethyst.
"Bodypaint enthusiasts I see." The man in the suit remarked at the Gems' appearances.
"It ain't paint, that's just how we look." Amethyst said while looking through her set of cards and made a call.
"Yeah, we don't come from around here." Lapis added.
"Small world, I'm not from around here either." The man replied. "The name's Jones. Bane Jones. And you are?"
"Thyst, Amethyst." Amethyst introduced herself, copying how Bane Jones said his name.
"And I'm Lazuli, Lapis Lazuli." Lapis tried to repeat and looked through her cards, having no idea what to do with them. "Uh, go fish?"
"This is poker, my dear." Bane stated before a waiter who looked like a sniveling rat stopped by the table with a plate of lasagna and a martini glass.
"Your order sir." The waiter said. "Vodka martini. Stirred, not shaken."
"Thank you, my boy." Bane thanked the waiter before he made a realization. "Wait, did I order the lasagna?"
"Doesn't matter, just enjoy." The waiter made an evil grin at Mr. Jones before he left with a snicker while rubbing his hands together.
"What's with Rat King over there?" Amethyst asked about the fiendish waiter before she heard a ticking sound. "And anyone else hear that sound?"
Everyone at the card table put their ears to their watches as the ticking sound got louder, and everyone realized that it was coming from the lasagna.
"There's a bomb in the lasagna!" Bane cried out. "Everyone, evacuate!" he commanded his fellow poker players to flee the scene, and the panicking caused everyone else in the casino to run away as well.
"Don't worry, I got this covered!" Amethyst declared before jumping onto the table and swallowing the lasagna in one gulp. The bomb soon detonated from inside of Amethyst, and the result was her burping out some smoke. "' Scuse me."
"Great Scott, they're onto me!" Bane Jones assumed about the exploding lasagna.
"Who's onto you?" Lapis asked.
"No time to explain, quickly now!" Bane replied and the three ran from the card table. "You may be wondering why I was served some exploding pasta?"
"Is it some kind of dinner special?" Amethyst asked while weaving her way through the nervous crowds.
"No, it was an attack!" Bane answered. "I am 00014, an elite spy for the World Defense Agency fighting the evil forces of the Power-Hungry All-National Team of Madmen in their repeated plots for world domination!"
"Wait, you're a spy?!" Amethyst shrieked elatedly. "Can you take us on your cool spy adventure, please please please?!"
"You sure Amethyst?" Lapis said skeptically. "I mean, we just met the guy and now we're running from exploding lasagna!"
"Do not worry Miss Lazuli, all shall be revealed in time." Bane said as the trio got to safety and he called up a sleek, dark gray Rumbakini Tormenta car with doors that opened by themselves. "Ladies first."
"Cool!" Amethyst gasped as she hopped into the backseat with Lapis. As soon as 00014 got behind the steering wheel, he tapped on the car's highly advanced HUD to mark his chosen destination and raced away from the Guessing Girl.
Far from the casino, Garnet and Bismuth were walking down the street, sticking out quite a bit from everyone else walking with them. Unlike Lapis & Amethyst and Pearl & Peridot, the two couldn't think of anything to do.
"You think we should've just stayed with Pearl instead?" Bismuth asked Garnet. "Don't think there's anything for us to do in this part of Los Diego." However, Garnet was a little too busy with something else.
"Hey, can I get your stylist sometime? That hair is so fleek!" a young woman complimented Garnet's cubic afro.
"Oh, I don't go to a stylist, this hair comes naturally," Garnet answered, a hand to her curls.
"Lucky you, babe!" the woman exclaimed. "I wish hair that amazing could come naturally for me."
"It doesn't matter how you look on the outside miss," Garnet told the other female. "the inside should be just as important."
"Hey Garnet, over here!" Bismuth called for the fusion while looking at the aftermath of a robbery being investigated. "Reckon we should check that out?"
"I'm not too sure." Garnet mused their choices. "I don't think this should really be our business, but it would be nice to solve a mystery."
While taking a drink of coffee, one of the officers, who had a mustache and a bit of a potbelly, turned to discover the two Gems debating and began waving to them. "Oh, howdy there!" he greeted Garnet and Bismuth. "Nice night we're having, huh?"
"Hello there, I'm Garnet." Garnet introduced herself. "This is my friend Bismuth. I suppose you must be one of the officers investigating this robbery."
"Nice to meet you guys, they call me The Officer." The Officer introduced himself. "I don't have a precinct; I just wander around the country checkin' to see who needs help. I don't suppose you might be needin' a left, do ya?"
"No, but I think you could." Bismuth answered. "What's happening here?"
"A string of robberies been going down these past couple of weeks." The Officer declared while gesturing to the crime scene. "Just now, there's been a break-in at the electronics store, and last week we found out someone's broken into a lab out of town. Everything's just getting curiouser and curiouser."
"That means you want us to come along, I assume." Garnet asked. "Okay, let's go."
"That's the spirit!" Bismuth chuckled while grabbing Garnet in a tight side hug.
The grand Los Diego Civic Center was filled with nerds, geeks, cosplayers, and many more of all shapes and sizes, each professing their love for their fandoms, and Pearl & Peridot were just about to blend right in with them.
"Look, all I'm saying is that if you dare like this problematic show, you are officially dead to me, and I wish the most painful death possible upon you." One nerd threatened a fellow nerd.
"Same to you, loser." the second nerd declared.
"I'm not saying I'm homophobic because I'm not a fan of your ship," a fanfiction writer said to a small group of angry fangirls. "I'm saying you can't queerbait if there's nothing queer to be baited with!" The fangirls then descended upon him like a pack of angry wolves.
"Your waifu is trash compared to mine!" an anime fan argued with another otaku while clinging onto an anime body pillow. "She has everything that turns me on! Curves in all the right places, glistening red locks, blue eyes you could get lost for days in, an absolutely shameless personality, incredibly confident in her hot bod, and above all else, she actually acts her age, unlike the deity who looks like a high schooler you profess your love to!" The fan's eyes then went wide with lust. "YES!"
"Wow, you're an idiot!" the other otaku declared, pointing a finger to the one with the body pillow.
"Humans find such fascinating ways to waste their time." Pearl mused as she looked around at the booths selling fandom memorabilia, cosplayers taking pictures with fans, and autograph hounds stalking their favorite celebrities to get their signature. "And I think some might be a little obsessed."
"They're just professing their love for their favorite media in a variety of ways, like how I adore Camp Pining Hearts!" Peridot explained. "The original minus Season 5, not that reboot."
"Oh em gee!" a young woman squealed at Peridot as she and another adoring woman surrounded the green Gem. "Look at this cutie and her costume! She's like a little alien!"
"That's because I am an alien!" Peridot declared before the two ladies picked her up to cuddle. "Hey, wait, hands off you clods! Put me down, I am the great and lovable Peridot! Pearl, save me!"
"You seem to be making friends here, Peridot." Pearl giggled with a wry smirk. "I think I'll just go and explore a bit." Just as Pearl was about to leave, she heard someone gasp loudly.
"I can't believe it, you're here!" a middle-aged Englishman dressed like a hipster twenty years younger than he's supposed to be exclaimed. "As I live and breathe, one of the Crystal Gems, here at LDNNGC! Never would I see the day!"
"Oh, hello mister." Pearl said while the man excitedly shook her hand. "My name's Pearl. And you are?"
"Oh, pardon me, Miss Pearl, allow me to introduce myself." The man dusted himself off to look more regal and visionary. "I am Neil Michaels, a world-renowned film director and artiste. You've watched some of my works before, like Morning of the Dead Living, correct?"
"I don't think I've even heard of you before." Pearl answered. "So, what's gotten you excited?"
"Why, you are just the Gem I need to review my latest upcoming film!" Neil replied. "Now then, are any of the others with you?"
"Oh, I did come here with Peridot," Pearl pointed to her green plus-one still being smothered by the amorous fangirls. "but she's currently got some fans to deal with."
Without even saying a word, Neil quickly walked over to the fangirls and plucked Peridot from their grasp by the collar, and dropped her at his feet.
"Oh thank you, I thought I would never leave me alone." Peridot thanked Neil before realizing who she was speaking to. "Wait, is that who I think it is?"
"Ah, I see one of your own is a fan of my work!" Neil said while kneeling to Peridot's height. "You must be Peridot, correct?"
"And you know my name!" Peridot squealed with delight.
"Are you kidding me? I've been following you ever since those Diamonds first came to Earth." Neil said while adjusting his scarf and fedora. "Now then, would you like a look at my upcoming masterpiece featuring your team?"
"DO I?!" Peridot shrieked even louder. "Come on Pearl, let's go see!"
"Okay Peridot, I'll come with." Pearl said as Neil led the two Gems towards his booth where a widescreen television and DVD player sat and let them be seated.
"Now then, brace yourselves, my friends." Neil announced while preparing a rough cut of his upcoming movie. "You are about to witness cinema history."
When Neil inserted a disk labeled "THE BEES", what Pearl saw as the TV powered on was not cinema history. Instead, she saw a pretentious, nonsensical mess where the Crystal Gems weren't actual Gems. Rather, they were turned into very sexually provocative humans played by A-list actors who unfortunately took a backseat to a leading man who seemed like a mix of too overdramatic and too boring.
"My God!" the lead actor of Michaels' new film declared as he discovered a murderous swarm of honeybees flying over him, and the two words he said after that formed the film's title. "THE BEES!"
"So, how do you two like it?" Neil asked Pearl and Peridot as he took the disk out of the DVD player. Before Peridot can give Neil her glowing praise, Pearl forced her mouth shut to allow some less than nice words.
"So this piece of cinema history starring us just has us reduced to sex symbols taking a backseat to that maniac?!" Pearl shouted at Neil.
"I'd rather not make fun of Christopher Cage if I were you!" Neil declared. "The two of us are thick as thieves, it's because of me that Cage has become very profitable in the last decade!"
"How can one act so deranged yet make so much money?!" Pearl bickered with the director. "And you! Oh, what can I say about your work?! It's an utterly pretentious mess!"
"Pretentious?!" Neil shouted, horribly offended by Pearl's insult. "I am a visionary, and you cannot speak to visionaries this way!"
Soon, the bickering escalated into a shouting match between the Crystal Gem and the arrogant filmmaker, one that Peridot decided that she didn't want a part in as she hopped off her chair and strolled away from the arguing duo.
"I think you just should be left alone for a bit." Peridot said to the pair, but they were too busy arguing to notice her. "Whatever, I think I'll just explore the rest of the con. Maybe get some souvenirs for Steven!"
On the topic of Steven, he was still in the beach house getting some Cookie Cats left over from long ago from the fridge, still fresh despite being in cold storage for more than two years. "Maybe I should make some of my own one day. But right now, gotta find a way to get myself under control."
Just then, the door squeaked open and Steven heard a pair of footsteps. And he has just received a guest he'd rather not invite at all. "Black Rutile?!"
"Steven Universe. Long time no see, old friend." Black Rutile greeted the half-Gem like a good friend, but she was no doubt the same monster beneath that genial smile. "So, Gems leaving you home for the night. How does that feel?"
"A little strange, but I think I can manage." Steven answered. "So, why are you in my house? Have you finally decided to change your ways and come to Little Homesch-"
"NO!" Black Rutile suddenly roared in defiance, only to put on her mask of politeness back on just as quickly. "I just came here to talk." She said. "I just came here to talk about all that's happened to you recently." Black Rutile then sat down on the couch and motioned for Steven to sit next to her. "You may not realize it, but I've been watching you. And although my hatred for you burns hotter & brighter than WR-102, the hottest known star in the universe by the way, I can't help but feel sorry for your pathetic self at the same time."
"Pity me how?" Steven asked nervously while seating himself next to his taller archnemesis.
"Think of it boy, nothing has gone right for you lately." Black Rutile added, snatching up Steven's Cookie Cat and reclining on the couch. "Your girlfriend ditched you, that obese moron you call a father never once took you to see an Earth doctor before, and now your so-called guardians have abandoned you to slack off while leaving me to find you."
"You leave my dad out of this!" Steven yelled angrily. "And as for the Gems, it was my idea that they go have fun while I try to keep my powers under control!"
"Oh please sport, you and I both know that no one ever really cared for you." Black Rutile purred before taking a bit out of the Cookie Cat. "You know, I don't see why you were so obsessed with this snack food."
"People care for me!" Steven objected. "Everyone in Beach City loves me!"
"Then why are they leaving you without even a goodbye?" Black Rutile continued. "Like those so-called Cool Kids, for instance, Sadie Killer and the Suspects? They're breaking up and didn't even tell you until that silly little graduation ceremony from your prison camp. Or that Lars boy and his band of Off-Colors. He suddenly decides that living in space forever while leaving everyone here to just rot since he's basically immortal now, and you didn't even learn that until also the graduation."
"Because they're all moving on with their lives." Steven corrected Black Rutile, who groaned loudly in response. "Though I really wish I was given a heads up beforehand. Still, there are others who won't leave me."
"Do you have the slightest idea how little I care?" Black Rutile growled with a roll of her eyes. "Eventually, they're going to ditch you too! That Meema-swag-oon kid is going off to higher learning and that My-Dad is most definitely going to have the sands of time take his life one day! And what of the Gems? They're probably going to keep dumping all their problems onto you! If no one truly cares about you as a person anymore, then why should you keep doing the same?!"
"Just stop it already!" Steven yelled as he slowly began to turn pink. "Yeah, I'm still sick of the Gems leaving me to solve everyone's problems because Pink Diamond happens to be the source of all of them! Sometimes, I'd rather live a life where Gems never existed and I'm just a normal human boy with a normal human life!" When Steven came back to his senses, he realized what he had just said to Black Rutile. "I'm sorry, I don't mean all that, honest!"
"Oh, don't be sorry sweetie." Black Rutile said with the fakest affection she could muster while uncomfortably stroking Steven's face to further rile him up. "I know a liar when I see one."
Back in Los Diego, Bane Jones pulled his Rumbakini Tormenta up to an embassy with the letters WDA hanging over the entrance. "Welcome ladies to the World Defense Agency headquarters. Now then, right this way."
"This is just like in the old spy movies I watch!" Amethyst exclaimed as Bane led her and Lapis into the embassy. "Cool guy in a cool suit with a cool car, and I bet there are some cool gadgets on the way too!"
"Indeed, the gadgets I use are most impressive." Bane responded before he and the Gems boarded an elevator. "You can thank G for that."
"He's the guy who builds stuff for you, right?" Lapis asked the secret agent.
"Exactly." Jones replied before the elevator stopped and the doors opened to reveal an elaborate laboratory where a man in a labcoat with greying hair was hard at work on his latest invention, while a middle-aged woman in a suit checked on his progress.
"Ah, Mr. Jones." The woman said upon seeing Jones and walked over to him, Lapis and Amethyst. "I trust that your investigation went swimmingly?"
"Indeed B." Bane nodded. "However, my progress was halted when I was nearly taken out by some exploding lasagna. Luckily, one of my new friends here was able to save me." Bane then looked to Amethyst and gestured his head towards B, beckoning the Gem to introduce herself.
"Oh, my name is Amethyst." Amethyst stated. "You may remember me as the gal who survived eating the bomb in the lasagna."
"And I'm Lapis Lazuli." Lapis added. "Nice to meet you, miss."
"I am B, head of the World Defense Agency." B introduced herself to the Gems. "And this is the head of our Research and Development department, G."
"A pleasure to meet some potential allies." G said as he got up to greet the Gems, but quickly got sidetracked by their appearances. "My word, are you real-life alien lifeforms?!"
"Uh, yeah." Lapis answered snarkily.
"I can't believe it, real-life extraterrestrials in our offices!" G yelled eagerly as he began taking notes on the pair. "Tell me, could you explain the origins of your species?"
"Pay attention G!" B scolded her subordinate.
"Oops, my apologies." G sheepishly apologized and put on a more serious face than the eager dork he passed off as seconds ago.
"So, who are you investigating?" Amethyst asked.
"I'm glad you asked Ms. Amethyst." G answered and pressed a button to reveal a hologram of a man dressed like a standard spy movie antagonist, complete with stroking an animal on his lap. "This is Francis von Bowling, one of the most diabolical masterminds in the world and leader of P.H.A.N.T.O.M, the Power-Hungry All-National Team of Madmen."
"I know where this is going." Amethyst said. "He wants to take over the world or something?"
"Not quite." B answered nervously. "We have reason to believe he plots to unleash a pathogen into the atmosphere that will control the minds of all breathing creatures, thus allowing him to conquer the Earth."
"However, there is a way to stop this pathogen." G added. "Now pay attention 00014, and Gems. I have built a special air freshener device to combat this pathogen, but it has unfortunately gone missing not too long ago."
"So now we gotta find it before the bad guys do, correct?" Lapis asked.
"Exactly Miss Lazuli." B declared. "Good luck you three. Hopefully, von Bowling doesn't have the same idea."
"How could anyone survive eating a bomb?!" the ratlike waiter from the Guessing Girl casino complained, pounding on a wall in a hidden room with his fist while the bouncer played with his phone. "It seems Jones has acquired some new friends, friends that could ruin our plans!" However, the bouncer wasn't listening and continued laughing at his phone. "Milton, are you even paying attention?!"
"Sorry Lennie, just lookin' at funny rabbit memes." Milton apologized to Lennie before going back to his phone.
"I swear, we have got to set up times for when you can use your phone." Lennie growled like an irritated parent of a teenager before a nearby television turned on. "Milton, over here! It's the boss!"
"The boss?!" Milton yelped and put down his phone. "Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" The two men stood at attention as the television static faded and revealed their master Francis von Bowling on the screen.
"Mr. Lennie, Mr. Milton." Francis greeted his two minions while stroking a wolf in his lap. "How has your progress been on locating the freshener?"
"Not very good boss," Lennie answered with a bow. "Bane Jones nearly got in our way, and I tried to eliminate him with a bomb in some lasagna, but then this little purple girl swallowed the dish whole and survived the explosion."
"Purple girl?" von Bowling asked, a pinky finger to his lips in contemplation. "Our P.H.A.N.T.O.M spy cameras have detected the exact same girl entering the Guessing Girl, along with a taller blue woman who can fly."
"She can fly!" Milton exclaimed joyously at the security footage of Amethyst and Lapis arriving at the casino.
"Yes, that she can." The leader of P.H.A.N.T.O.M humored his massive subordinate while rolling his eyes. "These two may possess abilities far beyond our comprehension, abilities that the WDA could use against us. Find that air freshener at once and return it to me ASAP. There should be no room for error."
"We shall do as you command Mr. von Bowling." Lennie bowed to Francis as the television faded to snow and then suddenly short-circuited, ending the message. "Come now Milton, we must find the air freshener posthaste."
"But where can we find it, Lennie?" Milton asked while scratching his head.
"My precious." A neckbearded convention-goer admired his latest find at the NNGC amongst a pile of many other pieces of merchandise. It was a highly advanced air freshener that seemed to clean all surrounding air, and it was now his to keep.
"Excuse me sir, do you perhaps want to trade a part of your collection for one of my purchases?" Peridot asked the collector while covered from head to toe in convention memorabilia. "Maybe that air freshener you're admiring." Unfortunately, the collector wasn't easy to agree with.
"No, these are all my precious!" the neckbeard hissed like he was possessing something needed to save the world that he refused to let go of. "Go get your own precious!"
"I was asking politely, sheesh." Peridot groaned as she walked away from the creepy collector. "Seriously, what could possibly be so precious about a simple air freshener?" she muttered to herself while imitating the collector before she found a man taking autographs, and he wore a Camp Pining Hearts T-shirt with his lanyard. "Oh my stars, are you a writer for Camp Pining Hearts?!"
"Uh, yes I am." The teen drama writer answered. "You looking for your mother, little girl?"
"For your information, I am thousands of years older than you." Peridot corrected the writer of her favorite show. "But enough about me, let's talk about you!" She then put the shopping bags hanging from her arms down before pulling a large stack of storyboards from her Gem. "Let's discuss that Camp Pining Hearts reboot and how I would change it!"
Outside the civic center, Garnet, Bismuth, and the Officer now stood before the Bank of Los Diego, now a victim of a recent robbery as other police officers investigated the building.
"Now who could've possibly caused this?" the Officer wondered aloud.
"It was a robber." Garnet answered while adjusting her glasses. "They must still be on the run, and we have to catch them in their tracks."
"Took the words right outta my mouth." The Officer turned to Garnet. "Anyways, we gotta-"
"Investigate the bank and see if we can find any leads." Garnet continued, which started to annoy the Officer a bit.
"You okay there Garnet?" the Officer asked the fusion.
"It's my future vision." Garnet answered. "I use it to multiple possible outcomes to certain events."
"She can basically see the future." Bismuth put it in simpler terms for the Officer to understand. "And I think using your future vision might be taking the fun out of solving a mystery." She then turned to Garnet. "I mean, most good mysteries are supposed to keep you guessing until you find out the answer."
"So I guess you want me to stop using my future vision for this mystery." Garnet said.
"Exactly!" Bismuth exclaimed. "If I win, you gotta help in the forge for a week when we get back."
"So that must mean if I win, you'll have to do something for me." Garnet responded.
"Which is?" Bismuth asked.
"You'll see." Garnet smirked.
"Uh ladies, can you save this bet for later?" the enigmatic lawman asked the Gems. "We still got a case to work on."
"Right, let's get to work." Garnet declared and the two Gems joined the other police officers in investigating the bank robbery.
"If you think everything in this film has a deeper meaning, then why are we reduced to sexual objects that only serve as props for the main character?!" Pearl continued bickering with Neil Michaels, an event that many visitors to the NNGC found very entertaining as they watched the pair go back and forth at each other.
"I did it as a commentary on the sexualization of women in the media!" Neil declared. "There truly is a deeper meaning to these provocative characters!"
"Or maybe you're just a misogynist hypocrite!" Pearl argued back, which caused many members of their audience to cheer and laugh at her insult.
Neil was left speechless at this and gazed around the assembled crowd, many of whom had their phones out to record the whole argument. If one of them were to post a video online, it could ruin his reputation, and all because of a woman who likely didn't know how the Internet worked. He needed to do something to save face, but how?
"Oh, of course, I'm not a misogynist, I love all kinds of people!" Neil declared while putting an arm around Pearl's shoulder. "As a show of goodwill, how about we get some soup from over there? My treat!"
"Oh, I don't need to eat as I don't require sustenance like you humans do," Pearl stated as the director led her to a soup stand run by a chef with a mustache and a fierce look in his eyes. "Nor do I really want to. But I'm sure Amethyst would want a meal to go." The people in line to get soup immediately allowed Neil and Pearl to cut to the front of the line out of reverence for Neil, and Pearl was allowed to order first. "Hello there good sir. I'd like to have the medium crab bisque to go please, with some bread."
"Medium crab bisque with bread on the side, two dollars for the bread." The salesman said while handing Pearl a takeout container of crab bisque.
"What, but everyone here seems to have gotten their bread for free." Pearl responded confusedly. "What's the big idea?"
"Okay then, three dollars!" the salesman raised the price of the bread.
"That is utterly absurd!" Pearl bickered with the chef.
"You want absurd? Then no soup for you!" the chef responded hotly while snatching the soup away from Pearl.
"I don't think your bad attitude should be allowed!" Pearl stated. "Where is your manager?! I want to speak with him at once!"
"Sorry Karen, I am manager!" the salesman shook his head. As a result of the insult, Pearl began to blush a bright blue while Neil gazed at her with a self-assured smirk and everyone else in line began to laugh.
"Walked right into that one." Pearl groaned in defeat. "Wonder how Steven must be doing?"
"What makes you really think no one ever loved me?" Steven asked Black Rutile during their confrontation at the beach house.
"Let's review some of the bad things that happened to you these past few years." Black Rutile replied while projecting several images from her visor. "Let's see, the Crystal Gems constantly toss you into harm's way regularly, a lot of their problems always trace back to you and Pink Diamond, that human girl abandoned you after your first trip to Homeworld like an ungrateful brat for no real reason, and so much more. Yet, you let them off the hook out of a foolish belief that they still care for you even after all that. Trust me kid, and I'm saying this from experience, everyone has the potential to be completely irredeemable pieces of dirt."
"Let me guess, Pink Diamond hurt you back in the day?" Steven growled as he slowly turned pink again.
"Well, yes, but actually not quite." Black Rutile answered. "Pink Diamond didn't hurt me, I hurt her. You know how much I despised that brat for always getting what she wants despite acting like a petulant organic lifeform? Well, to make matters worse, whenever the Diamonds were too busy acting like the conquerors they were supposed to be, they always forced me to babysit Pink! All the planets I conquered for them, she tried to protect, and her arguments as to why always made me sick to my nonexistent stomach!"
As Steven's body fully turned pink, Black Rutile took notice of this and smiled. "So, still trying to keep a lid on that condition, eh?" she grinned. "Well, why not use that for something other than whining like your mother and face me one-on-one?"
"Fine, but let's take this outside." Steven snarled as his left eye began twitching from trying to keep a cool head despite the insults slung at his friends and family. "I don't want anyone coming home to worry about me like always."
"It's a deal." Black Rutile stated and the two shook hands. "Now follow me!" She then backflipped out of the front door and Steven followed behind, eventually stopping on the sand where she stood, turned away from Steven with arms folded behind her back. "Shall we dance?"
"If you want to get crazy," Steven began before launching himself at Black Rutile with a fist ready to punch her with. "we can get crazy!"
However, Black Rutile dodged the punch by bending over backward with the flexibility of a contortionist before striking him in the back with a punch of her own. However, Steven suddenly generated a pink forcefield that slowed everything down except for him, and he used the opportunity to headbutt Black Rutile into a stone hand on the beach.
"When can you do that?!" Black Rutile yelled before brandishing her sword and clashing it with Steven's shield. "Seriously, even in all my countless hours of research, I have no idea what that's supposed to be!"
"I have no idea what any of these new powers are either!" Steven agreed with his opponent. "But I'll use them to stop you for good!"
"Then what are you waiting for Steven?" Black Rutile offered Steven. "You're strong enough! Go ahead and shatter me if you like! Prove to me that you really are a monster underneath!"
"NEVER!" Steven yelled and began charging at Black Rutile with his shield again, and she did the same with her sword.
Back in Los Diego, Garnet, Bismuth and the Officer continued working together to find the culprit behind the string of robberies, and their latest clue led them straight to the civic center.
"So our crook could be here?" Bismuth asked while looking at the National Nerds and Geeks Convention in front of them.
"That's right, I'm sure it could be any one of these nerds." The Officer stated while looking around at the various groups of geeks surrounding them before pointing to one. "You there boy, seen any felons with a giant pile of stuff 'round here?"
"I wouldn't say anyone here is a felon, that I know of," the gamer said while playing on his handheld console. "but this weirdo is running around with this huge pile of collectibles, and he gets all super protective of them like Gosmeal from Emperor of the Bands."
"I guess that must be him over there." Garnet said while pointing to a neckbeard who was hauling around a giant pile of collectibles that seemed to get bigger and bigger. Turning to face the trio, the neckbeard jumped up the pile and snatched the air freshener from the very top before running away.
"There he is, get him!" Bismuth yelled and began chasing the neckbeard around the civic center.
"No, stay away from my precious!" the neckbeard cried, protectively holding onto the freshener as the two Gems and the police officer followed his trail.
Meanwhile, the convention has now received a few more visitors. Lapis, Amethyst, and Bane Jones entered from one side of the civic center while Lennie and Milton entered from another, both planning to find the air freshener.
"Sources tell me a thief was seen with the air freshener in his possession." Bane stated while gazing at a device given to him by G that seemed to trace the freshener's location. "Once we get it out of their hands, we can take the fight to von Bowling and stop his plans."
"Our spies from within this gathering of basement dwellers say the freshener is around here somewhere." Lennie stated to Milton. "Once we find it, it's as good as destroyed and the boss can move on with his plans!"
Just then, a chubby blur speeded past the two groups, followed by Garnet, Bismuth, and the Officer in hot pursuit. As soon as they all had time to recover, the two opposing teams quickly joined the chase.
"It's the bouncer and the waiter from the Guessing Girl!" Amethyst pointed out Lennie and Milton's presence.
"von Bowling's cronies, Lennie and Milton. I should've known." Bane muttered.
"HAND OVER THE AIR FRESHENER AT ONCE!" Bane, the Officer, and Lennie all shouted at the neckbeard.
"No, these are all my preciouses!" the neckbeard yelled back. "You cannot have them, you can never have them!"
"Well, looks like you'll have to answer to me!" Amethyst said while pulling out her whip and using it to steal the air freshener from the collector's collection, before tossing it straight into Jones's hands.
"Milton, now!" Lennie commanded, and Milton obeyed by bodyslamming Bane into the floor and snatching the freshener from his hands.
"We did it Lennie, we got the air freshener!" Milton celebrated the duo's victory. "The boss will be so happy about this!"
"Quite. And it seems we got a package deal here." Lennie smirked while using an energy cage to round up Lapis, Amethyst, Garnet, Bismuth, the Officer, and the collector. "Now then, to headquarters!"
The two henchmen then raced off with their prize and captives in tow, while the surrounding congoers gazed in awe of what just happened.
"Did we just witness a real-life spy movie?" a movie buff asked aloud.
Lennie and Milton quickly returned to the headquarters of P.H.A.N.T.O.M at the top of the highest skyscraper in Los Diego and awaiting them was their malicious boss Francis von Bowling, sitting in an office chair while stroking his wolf.
"Ah, Mr. Jones." Francis greeted his archenemy while turning around in his chair to face the captive group. "I see you and your new allies have acquainted yourselves with my two associates. And you even brought some guests along for the ride."
"We got Jones and his new buddies, boss!" Milton bounced up and down with a big smile. "What do we get?"
"My respect, that's what." Von Bowling said, getting up to give Milton and Lennie a handshake each.
"So, you captured us now." Amethyst said to the leader of P.H.A.N.T.O.M. "You gonna tell us why you want that air freshener gone so bad?"
"As a matter of fact, yes." Francis answered. "You see, humanity has a strong love of being incompetent and violent, which more often than not leads to wars that take the lives of others, many of whom are equally stupid." He explained before putting his pathogen under a microscope and connecting the microscope to a projector. "With this pathogen that I shall unleash into the atmosphere, I shall create my own brand of world peace by controlling the minds of all breathing lifeforms and thus, taking over the world."
"I see, pretty basic world domination junk." Lapis remarked.
"You won't get away with this von Bowling!" Bane declared fiercely.
"I believe that's where you're wrong Mr. Jones." Francis replied.
"Let me guess, you got a shark tank?" Amethyst asked while she, Jones, Lapis, Garnet, and Bismuth were let out of the energy cage and forced into another cage that was dangling over a shark pool. "This is all so cliché, I'm loving it!"
"And to ensure that I know you have perished, I shall leave my pet wolf Alphonse to watch your demise." Von Bowling said while gesturing to his wolf. "She shall serve as my eyes and ears to your demise, as I have surgically installed a video recording system into her nerves. Now then, I bid you all adieu."
Francis then left the office with his two cronies, and the Gems & spy were left to hang over the pool of sharks while the Officer and the collector were still in the energy cage and Alphonse stood watch.
"So this is your idea of having fun in Los Diego?" Bismuth asked Lapis. "Going on a spy mission with What's His Face here?"
"Jones, Bane Jones." Bane introduced himself to the blacksmith and the fusion.
"We need to find a way to break out of this cage and stop that madman from taking over the world!" Garnet exclaimed.
"Don't worry guys, I got this covered!" Amethyst replied before she began shapeshifting her hand. "Ha, key hand!" she declared and used the key hand to open the cage, setting everyone free. "That was way too easy."
"You are correct Amethyst." Bane replied. "Now come along, we must stop Bowling!"
"Right." Garnet said. "I don't know how we got roped into this, but we're coming with." Then she turned to the Officer. "Officer, get this man to the proper authorities."
"You got it Garnet!" the Officer boldly responded and brandished a pair of handcuffs to trap the collector with while Bane and the Gems raced to stop Francis, taking care to knock out Alphonse along the way.
Meanwhile, down below at the Nerds and Geeks Convention, everyone continued laughing at Pearl for the soup seller calling her a Karen while Neil decided to turn and leave, at least until Pearl grabbed the director by the collar.
"So Pearl, how does it feel being on the other end of the insult knife?" Neil grinned. "You know, maybe my next film after The Bees should be a horror-comedy about the life of some overly entitled woman, and the real horror should come from how it's even possible for this person to fit into normal society! I'm gonna call it 'Seeing the Manager'!"
"Why can't you just accept that sometimes, you aren't the genius visionary that you think you are?!" Pearl yelled at the director's face. "What would your mother think about this?"
"Oh, bringing my mother into this, I see." Michaels declared. "Well, she'd say yo mama so fat, that Lord Boxman would look like an Adonis in comparison!"
"I'm sorry, what?" Pearl asked.
"Lord Boxman, he's a character from a video game." Neil explained. "I'm basically doing a yo mama joke! Now you try!"
"Okay then." Pearl rolled up her sleeves and took a jab at yo mama jokes. "Your mother is so obscene; she'd make the most foul-mouthed comedian look squeaky clean in comparison." The crowd gathered around them laughed loudly at Pearl's insult.
"Yo mama so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning!" Neil retaliated, inciting more laughter.
"I believe your mom is so perky, the only time she went low was at limbo!" Pearl fought back.
"Get 'em Bird Karen!" a cosplayer cheered Pearl on. Being called that name again of course made Pearl blush.
"Low, eh?" Neil chuckled arrogantly. "Well, how's this for low?! YO MAMA SO FAT, SHE-"
Neil's joke was then cut off by a loud explosion coming from a skyscraper across town, and a helicopter that Garnet, Amethyst, Bismuth, and Bane were clinging onto while Lapis flew after them.
"I will not let you foil me this time!" Francis von Bowling exclaimed while protectively holding onto a beaker containing his mind-controlling pathogen.
"On the contrary von Bowling, this game is over!" Bane declared while holding up the air freshener. "Gems, now!"
"On it!" Lapis answered while snatching the air freshener from the secret agent's hands and using it to spritz the pathogen into nothingness, ending Francis's plans once and for all.
"No!" Francis cried before turning to his two minions piloting the helicopter. "FUBAR you two, FUBAR!"
"Boss, watch your language!" Milton exclaimed while taking his hands off the chopper controls.
"Milton you dolt, the helicopter!" Lennie cried to his larger partner as the helicopter flew out of control & crashed to the ground, leaving the fates of the supervillain and his minions uncertain while Bane and the Gems managed to land safely on the ground.
"Just take a deep breath Francis." Bane quipped as Francis, Lennie & Milton emerged from the wreckage to find themselves surrounded by the police.
"Looks like it's behind bars for you three again." The Officer declared as he emerged from the horde of cops with the collector in handcuffs behind him.
"You fools may have won, but I'll be back!" von Bowling vowed revenge as he and his two henchmen were carted off to prison while Pearl & Peridot raced through the crowds to see their friends.
"Are you all okay?" Pearl asked worriedly.
"Okay? I'm great!" Amethyst declared. "That was the most fun night I've ever had!"
"Glad you had a good time Amethyst." Bane Jones thanked Amethyst. "If you ever want to find me again, you know where to go."
"Exemplary work Mr. Jones, as always." B congratulated her subordinate through an earpiece. "Return to base at once. And give those Gems my regards."
"Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but duty calls." Bane said before he summoned his Tormenta to drive away in. "Till we meet again."
The Tormenta drove off into the dark city streets, leaving the Gems behind while Neil Michaels raced towards them.
"Hey, we haven't settled things yet!" Neil declared.
"You know what, this was all so silly to begin with." Pearl smirked while tapping Neil on his nose. "Kind of like many of your movies."
"Yeah, I'm just beat after tonight," Amethyst added. "I'd rather just turn in for the night when we get back and never get up."
"You're right Amethyst," Garnet agreed. "I think it's time we go home."
"Leaving so soon? But I just met you guys!" the Officer said, then he started looking around before whispering to them. "But that reminds me, someone's gonna need a big hug soon."
The Officer soon left the Crystal Gems with that cryptic warning, one that none of them knew meant at the moment but would soon be very critical.
Back outside the beach house, the battle between Steven and Black Rutile continued long into the night. Although Steven's pink form was very powerful, Black Rutile eventually found her way around it through some strategizing, and it quickly became a mere annoyance for her, eventually resulting in the two becoming evenly matched.
"Why can't you just stay down?!" Steven roared at Black Rutile before grabbing her by the back of her head and smashing her face into the sand.
"Because at this rate, I'm starting to pity you more and more!" Black Rutile confessed, forcing Steven to stop in his tracks and return to normal. "Seriously, think Steven think!" she yelled with fingers to her temples before making grand sweeping hand gestures to prove her point. "The reason why everyone is drifting away from you is not just because they're all moving on with their lives, but because you're such an outrageously toxic creature who thinks everything should revolve around him!"
"How is that pity?" Steven said tersely.
"What I'm trying to say is that you should grow a spine for once." The evil Rutile stated. "Kindness is a mere concept that can easily be exploited and turned against you. That is why I prefer power through fear and control. And you should start doing the same. When you think someone is deliberately doing something selfish without thinking of you despite you being dragged along, you must fight back! Got it?!"
Steven kept silent despite Black Rutile getting incredibly close to his face. "Ugh, I can't even with you." She groaned before deciding to walk away. "But then again, I've already broken you enough. What's the point of talking to you for any longer?"
Black Rutile soon finally left Steven alone at the beach to contemplate her words. Was he truly as toxic and controlling as she claims he is, or was it just more lies to further drive him off the deep end? Those questions would have to wait as Steven raced back to the beach house just as the Crystal Gems finally returned from Calivada.
"What a night." Pearl moaned in relief that they were finally back in Beach City. "I think I'm ready to just fall on the couch and never get up."
"Ditto." Amethyst said while eating some mulligatawny from the soup salesman. "Oh hey Steven, how was your night?"
"Oh it's fine, everything went okay!" Steven lied to keep his encounter with Black Rutile a secret from the others. "No uninvited guests coming to turn me against you!"
"That's a little oddly specific." Garnet lowered her eyelids before sitting down on the couch with a loud sigh. "What do you say, Steven, you need to sit down?"
"Do I ever." Steven exhaled loudly before falling on the sofa next to Garnet, and the two were soon engulfed in a cuddle pile with the other Gems, who were simply too exhausted to do or say anything else. However, Steven still had some nasty thoughts racing through his mind. "She's wrong, they still love me." He muttered while quietly shedding a few tears. "They still love me."
Well, that ending got intense real quick. And this was a real long chapter, four plots in one! I think my favorite to write out of all these was the Lapis & Amethyst in James Bond one, especially since I got the idea from watching most of the Pierce Brosnan era and some of the Daniel Craig films on Netflix. Anyways, next chapter will return to the big city, but it'll be more consistent in tone with the appearance of a certain other friend of Pink Diamond. That's all folks!